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The Mutton Grumble Edition


It was the 3rd of July, 1967. Ronnie Lane and Steve Marriott were strolling along desperately trying to think of a follow-up to capitalise on the success of Small Faces‟ recent single “Here Come The Nice” and drawing blanks. “S,naa good, Mate, can‟t fink ov nuffink. Wot abaht you?” “Nah, me old China, bin rackin‟ the old crust f‟days an‟ can‟t cam ap wiv naffin‟” They happened upon a field in which a farmer had put his herd of prize Friesians to graze and noticed the animals appeared to be in some discomfort. They were rubbing themselves up against fences as though to stay some persistent irritation. The boys noticed an old gentleman in a kilt leaning up against a tree and wandered over to him to ask if he had any idea what the matter was. “Woss gahn on „ere, Geeza? Woss ap wiv this lot, then?” said Steve. The old Caledonian scratched his sporran, hooched up his claymore and fixed the two of them with a withering stare, “Och! Ez et noo plain tae see, Jimmy. Hoots, thess ez Etch‟i Coo Park”

My Chemistry Teacher—May 1968

Excuse me?


Jan 15 Day off. Went to pub at midday………………. Jan 16 Phoned in to say I‘d got ‗flu. Haven‘t, but have most of symptoms. Race meeting on at Ludlow. Thought it might be therapeutic. Went. Perg there. Had to keep out of sight. Horses all lost. Bad day. Put twenty quid on outsider in last. Fell during parade. Perg won £250. Git. Jan 17 Went to church. Vicar slept throughout service. Vicar thick. Organist drunk. Played ―Blaydon Races‖. Poetic justice for me. Vicar‘s wife tried to intervene. Fight. Went in evening in hope of replay. Wasn‘t one. Went to pub after. Eight pints of Guinness and fourteen Jack Daniels‘. Tipsy. Borrowed Bert‘s pushbike to go home. Lost it. Heap of junk anyway. Jan 18 Bert phoned to ask why his pushbike hanging from lamp post in High Street. Told him kids broke into shed and nicked it during night. Asked if I‘d reported it to Police. Told him I was the Police. Asked if I‘d reported it to myself. Said yes. Lied. Jan 19 Man came in to report loss of time machine. Very distinctive. Purple and pink, shaped like kumquat with plutonium hydroxide veneer and stegosaurus in back seat. Furry dice and ―amusing‖ stickers. Suggested he might visit GP with view to being certified. Jan 20 Stegosaurus came in to report loss of barmy professor. Made late resolution to lay off Jack Daniels in future. Clobbered Clodhopper for drawing picture of me on bog wall with rude remark. Decided to book holiday. Couldn‘t decide where to go. Got brochures for Thailand, New Zealand, Iceland, Tahiti, Martinique and Albania. Probably end up in Llandudno again. Mrs Phaggit‘s Boarding House. Awful but cheap. In by ten. No women in rooms. Bed like ploughed field. No laughing. No Scrabble. View of fire escape. Teapot doesn‘t work. Food uneatable. Weather crap. Full of Welsh. Don‘t think I‘ll bother. Jan 21 Inspector called from New Scotland Yard regarding dope pushing case. Told him the only dopes we had were Potato and Slop but if Home Office liked to provide pram and case we‘d get one of them to push it. Verbal warning for being smartarse. Inspector miserable. Ugly. Bet his wife is too. Nyaah!


Festrin Poomantroll's Fat Twat Restaurant presents Onanised raw capsicum stuffed with badger bogeys and thawed-out woolly mammoth Previously used picture because ankle pate served on a postage stamp and I‘m too bone idle to do a new one drizzled with cauterised mercury droplets - only eight thousand pounds a nanogram. Please book fifteen years in advance and ensure you attain the status of insufferable non-event oik famous for being famous before even thinking of picking up the phone. Thank you


E Embossed

Promoted

Encounter

Farm worker employed specifically to record numbers in the poultry shed

Endometriosis

Unfortunately I don‘t think we can use this: Lamentation by Barry to the Gibb‘s female sibling, Linda, the day after Maurice snuffed it Better not.....

Estee Lauder

Consignment of perishable goods which has been delayed due to ―leaves on the track‖, ―wrong kind of snow‖, ―driver forgot his fags‖ etc., and gone off

Expert

Result of over-enthusiastic dunking of ―bread soldiers‖

F Fanny Hill

Mount of Venus

Farcical

Brian Rix‘s bike

Fecundity

Short Irish song or poem

Felix Pappalardi

Overweight, incontinent cat

Fertilisation

Semen‘s Mission

Finery

Magistrates‘ court

Finisterre

Inevitable result of fish having no eyelids

Flashpoint

Hampstead Heath

Fork lift truck

Large commercial vehicle manned by Messrs Richard, Michelmore, Thorburn and Morgan

Francis of Assisi

Patron saint of very very small motorbikes

Next Time—The Equine Section The Gs


Jan 22 Went to pub. Jan 23 Hangover. Half inch coating of fur on tongue. Paracetemol job. Bathroom smells. Curry stains on bedroom ceiling. Poppadom powder in jacket pocket. Soggy naan bread in sink. Double vision. Poorly. Seventy quid light. Overtime likely. Jan 24 Went to church. Communion postponed. Verger legless. Groped vicar‘s wife. Vicar‘s wife kneed him in nuts. Collection stolen. Sneaked out so not to get involved. Jan 25 Potato‘s birthday. Pretended to forget. Nobody else forgot. Swiped Mop‘s card before he wrote it and gave it to Potato. Fight between Potato and Mop when Potato called him tosser for forgetting birthday. Went out. Can‘t do with bickering amongst lower orders. New WPC starts tomorrow. Jan 26 Noticeable change amongst cops. After shave. Amplex. Clean teeth! WPC attractive. Sent everyone else out with hair dryers to nick speeding motorists. Asked WPC out for drink. Reply disappointing involving taxidermy and allegations about solo nocturnal activity. Jan 27 Asked by Clodhopper to make up numbers for snooker match tonight. Haven‘t played for ten years. Obvious. Lost 97-4 (opponent went in-off). Others all won. Would have gone top if I‘d won. Others ignored me afterwards. Last time I help them out. Extra beat-pounding for that lot tomorrow. Jan 28 Decided to risk buying paper again for crossword. Crap. Threw it away. Vicar‘s wife in court for attempted castration of verger. Verger not in court. Hospitalised. Took him some ripe plums. Cardiac team rushed in. Went to pub. Jan 29 Alright, come on, you bastards...I‘ll take the lot of yers……… Jan 30 Better this morning. Yesterday a blur. None of neighbours speaking. Perg wants to see me in office Monday first thing. Bill from Star of Punjab for new carpet, four tables, six chairs, waiter‘s shirt, five bottles house red and toilet door plus extensive laundry charges. Jan 31 Cut up credit cards. Went to church. Different vicar. Chorister sick during sermon. Back row of choir fell off bench. Old woman next to me kept breaking wind. Congregation pointing at me and holding noses. Left early. White rabbits tomorrow………..bloody hell!


Profeesor Emmental Headcase, head of Cheese and Exotic Vomit-fodder at Nitt-Town University conducts and experiment to find out if there’s any point in conducting experiments that only serve to prove what people already know

To determine whether or not sheep really need to be worried upon finding themselves in Wales Equipment: Wales, 1 Sheep, assortment Welshmen, few, a Method: 1) Go into pub in Wales and call the customers sheep shaggers 2) Run like **** Conclusion; Draw your own


you that resumed with mmediate effect so bogies

bumholes

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Note to all chickens If they are that important to you, why not just join the library?


WHAT?

I’m sure you can make your own caption up for this one


Dear Sir or Provisions I write to take issue with the fact that you seem to be in the habit of censoring anyone who writes in to you to complain about having their letters cen

WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP SNOOKER– SHEFFIELD 2012 Ticket Sales: Ronnie O‘Sullivan v Judd Trump refereed by Jan Verhaas—Tickets Available John Higgins v Neil Robertson refereed by Eirian Williams— Tickets Available Two players you‘ve never heard of who are crap refereed by Michaela Tabb—Sold Out

What's the big deal about death and the great unknown. We've all been there already in the billions of years before we were born. It can't be all that bad - I mean we all came through it alive

They have a new horse knacker at Aintree. He is, I believe, an Italian gentleman. His name? Topo Gigio

Town and Country ComparedExample 1—Taxis


Toenails have no relevance to Romantic Poetry


Loofah Van Dross

Redbeard the Pirate had changed beyond all recognition since his crew captured the beautiful Mingzhu in a raid in the South China Sea. She had a passion for honey so he kept several hives on board ship just to please her. They were tending them one day when there was a strange noise and Redbeard drew his cutlass. But Mingzhu recognised the sound immediately and stayed his hand “It okay, Captain, Bee fart�

Plus


Asorted Bilge 5