ConFused 2021

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ARIES (March 21 - April 20) Look it’s just a board game, it’s not politics. There is no reason to play dirty, it's not like you’re gonna win anyway. So stop cheating and eat a bar of chocolate. TAURUS (April 21 - May 21) You should change your home screen today. It’s ok to change it up a bit and it’ll be good for you to do something a little different. It’s just your home screen, it shouldn’t be too hard. GEMINI (May 22 - June 21) Take a minute to just stop being so busy and take care of yourself for a minute. Just try to relax and stop thinking so much, you’ll thank me later. CANCER (June 22 - July 22) Try not to get angry the next time the restaurant gets your order wrong, just take the food, as long as it tastes good then it does not matter if it’s what you ordered.

LEO (July 23 - Aug 23) You are absolutely gorgeous but being an underwear model and eating rabbit food is not a good life. Maybe try being a lawyer, you’d be surprised with yourself. VIRGO (Aug 24 - Sep 22) Look you don’t always need to put things back on the same shelf that they came from, sometimes it’s ok to put it in a different spot. LIBRA (Sep 23 - Oct 23) Next time someone takes you to Starbucks, do the world a favor and choose your drink before you get there. It’s just a drink, it’s not your soul mate. SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 22) It’s ok to like something that your friends have, but there is no need to get jealous and go out and get it for yourself too. That is copying and can be kinda rude sometimes. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 - Dec 21) Your ambition drives you and will take you far, but you may need to step back and see if what you want to do is even possible, you may want to be a little less ambitious sometimes. CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Maybe try being a little more optimistic sometimes. It makes life a lot more enjoyable. Plus, you can be a real drag, Karen. AQUARIUS (Jan 21 - Feb 18) Just a warning that your most recent amazon order is going to come in late. This will be a good time to practice your patience, you’ll be ok you just have to VIRAL DAWG 2 wait.



Plunger - Flipping League You have probably heard of Flip Plunge, as it is North’s biggest sport. Everyone loves it, it makes the fans go absolutely wild. In school all you see are students and faculty wearing shirts that say, “I love Flip Plunge.” During lunch, all anyone can talk about is how amazing this sport truly is. We have coaches from all over the world begging to work here. (Unlike IU’s basketball team). Flip Plunge is so influential that Hodson has decided to give all of Football’s funding to the plunge league. They have received brand new jerseys (one for every game) because these players are too good to wear a jersey more than once. Our team is so amazing that they will be competing in the 2024 Winter Olympics. You may have noticed the new pool and weight room, but there is also a new Plunge Room. It is around 2,000 sq. ft. The whole room is full of exquisite marble and it has been professionally decorated by HGTV. (Only the best for our Plunge Team). The administrators are so proud of them, so they decided to have a solid gold trophy case in the atrium dedicated for the Plunge trophies. This all may seem so amazing and eloquent to the average person, but Plunge Flipping is, in fact, a vigorous sport. Our student athletes have been through so much to be where they are today. For example, Mr. Aiken has “dedicated his life” to plunge flipping. And Mr. Adams has shed “blood, sweat, and tears” throughout his sports career. 5







SENIORITIS DECONSTRUCTED Not completing school work has consequences in real-time

When absent, it’s because they’re hopping

Yay, prom! Commencement! Woo-hoo!

Checked out after first semester. Call me when it’s over, mhmkay? 

Could expire from the coronavirus

Online school/hybrid school/full-on school

Online school allows for peculiar freedoms: every day is pajama day 

Misses more school if they need to quarantine 

Prom? Never heard of her STRAWBERRY RASCAL


THE KING’S MANIFESTO They call me the Trash King. Everyday at lunch, many students sit in the gym to eat, and many of them don’t know what a trash can is as they toss their scraps and wasted under the bleachers. Although it annoys the staff, I love it! This year, I accumulated around 724.63 lbs of trash/treasures from beneath the bleachers. I, the original American Picker, call it my Trash Kingdom. I love my trash more than anything else in life, in fact, trash is my life. Everything about it is amazing. The smell… divine. *Chef’s kiss* No one will ever infiltrate my precious trash space as I care and nurture it with my whole heart. You see, I used to be a student here until one day I was bitten by a wild raccoon. Ever since that incident, I have been dumbfounded by trash. If given the chance, I would never change a thing or go back to being human. Over time I have transformed and now I have reached my full potential.I am amazing. I am unstoppable. I am Immortal. I am the Trash king.



New Online Business Class A look in to the new class and how it’s teacher’s success motivated him to become an educator. BIGGIE KATZ

Please welcome our new faculty member, Ralph Woods, who will teach online business here at North, during the 2021-22 school year. Woods said that he was motivated to become a teacher by his “own experience starting an online business.” For many years prior to starting his business, Woods had a frustrating retail job. “I was stuck in a boring, normal old nine-to-five job,” he said. “I hated it. It felt like my life was not going anywhere, and I was making very little money.” Everything changed when he quit his job to start an online Business. “It was great. I watched it grow and grow and soon I was making six figures a year, while working only seven hours a week,” he said. Woods declined to share what his business actually is. It was this success that drove him to become a teacher. “I want to share everything I have learned about operating an online business with my students, so they do not end up in a dead end job like I did,” he said. Woods’ class will focus on his seven key principles to success in online business. He claims that if you follow these seven principles you could easily make up six figures a year while working a little as

five to eight hours a week. “I am not like other high school business teachers who attract students to their class with rented cars, mansions and the promise of becoming a playboy. I like to let my success speak for itself, and if you follow my seven principles you can be just as successful,” he said as his teeth gleamed. He refused to share what these principles are, but he assures us they do, in fact, exist. The class is one semester long. It only requires a seven hundred dollar cash deposit, a credit card on file, and your social security number. The class is already full for the fall semester of 2021.

Ralph Woods, our new Online Business teacher for 2021-22, refused to describe the ticket he has for us. 10

GEN Z vs M Tik Tok has created many things that have no value or no actual importance but the “war” between two groups of generations has to be one of the more entertaining ones. Due to millennials feeling old, because they are, they are now coping with it by making fun of children on the internet that did nothing to them. Millennials tried defending their rights like the freedom to wear skinny jeans, having side-parts, loving Disney a little too much, having at least one sign that says “live, laugh, love” but most importantly listening to Eminem. They felt this was important to defend because teenagers made fun of them a few times and they felt threatened. Teenagers responded to the complaints of these whiney adults. They said that they really don’t care what the millennials do and to just leave them alone as they were just making jokes. Millennials decided that that was not good enough and told Gen. Z that Eminem’s song Tone Deaf was written about them losing the battle between them, even though it was written last year. Due to the clear importance of this battle lets look into the relics millennials were defending. 11


MILLENIALS Honestly, I haven’t heard anyone make fun of skinny jeans but they are alright.

Side-parts are also fine, teens just said the middle parts look better. They said this because they do.

These signs, however, are the bane of everyone’s existence. They are ugly, and most often are just thrown into the living room to make families seem closer than they are.

He is also just cool. He made some pretty good songs but he got old, just like millennials. It is really just time for adults to realize that it may be time to be an adult. 12

TOP 10 MOST AVERAGE CARS The world of cars is one of rich history. From the late 1800s to now, cars have been designed, produced, and driven everyday. There have been thousands of companies that have tried their shot at automotive production. Now this competitive field has produced some legendary cars, but it has also produced cars so average it hurts. Here are the most average cars that have ever graced the road. 1. Toyota Corolla - The only

thing the Corolla has going for it is reliability, but that comes standard on all Toyota models.

2. Nissan Altima - Nissan’s ren-

dition of the affordable family friendly sedan is just as boring as the rest. There is legitimately nothing that makes this car stand out. 3. Chevrolet Malibu - There’s

a chance you know someone who owns a Malibu and that same person is just as boring as the car, sorry to break it to you.

4. Honda Accord -

Honda’s basic reliable sedan, ‘nuff said.


5. Ford F-150 - What’s classified as

American’s best selling truck is just as boring as ever. Sure it’s a truck and you can haul stuff, but it doesn’t go vroom vroom. My 2002 Pontiac Grand Prix was faster. 6. Toyota Camry - The Camry

is the Corolla’s smaller, faster, and more attractive brother, but that doesn't save it from the boring genes that seem to run in mid-sized 7. Chevy Silverado - Another

truck that fails to make anyone go “hmm”. The Silverado is victim to what makes the F150 boring. It just doesn’t go vroom vroom. 8. Ford Fiesta - Now it looks like a

really cool name, but this car is far from cool. You may have never even heard of the Ford Fiesta, but that's for a good reason. 9. Volkswagen Golf - Now I

may have you scratching your head in confusion. I only put this car here because it’s the 2nd most popular car in the UK, making it pretty average over there. It’s okay, I almost forgot British people existed as well. 10. Toyota RAV4 - What would this list be without Toyota? The RAV4 is just plain. It will get you from A to B with no trouble. The gas mileage is great for a SUV. Anything that you want is pretty much available in the RAV4, but it still is a pretty average vehicle. VIKING iKING










PANDEMIC EDITION This year has been very _______________ (adjective). Living in the middle of a _____________ (word that starts w P) makes _____________ (noun) sad and bored. If you want to go anywhere in public you must wear a ________________ (clothing item) on your face and douse your ________________ (body part) in sanitizer. My go-to sanitizer smells like _______________ (smell) Mhhmmmm, how ________________! (adjective). School this year is _____________ (adjective). All classes are online. I do them from my ______________ (place). I can’t wait to go to __________________ (place) and see ______________ (person). Thank you ________________ (celeb) for getting me through these tough times. 21

WORK OUT ADVICE: Working out can be a pain. Literally. You always feel awkward, you don’t know how to motivate yourself, and it’s hard to not just lay down and relax. Here are some top tips recommended from celebrity trainer I.B. Sweatin who worked with the Kardashians, several NBA players and Jabba the Hutt. You know that annoying bell tower I.U. spent last year’s tuition increase on? Make use out of it by running up and down the stairs. Listen to the Mario Kart theme song to motivate you. Seriously; shake a leg, Bowser. Weight lifting sucks, and gravity is a killjoy. So, do a group project with the laziest people in your class so you can carry the weight of the work all by yourself. Win win! Carrying a water bottle while working out can be annoying. I recommend getting out that old beer hat in Uncle Chad’s garage that he wears to baseball games and replace the cans with water bottles. He won’t miss it; the Cubs haven’t played well since 2016. I know that you feel awkward when you jog by yourself, as you should. Jog in a public place and pretend you are being chased by a monster. Multiple people will be sure to join you. FLUFFYFROGGY6


Making Fun o Bernie Sanders is looking mighty comfortable in his mittens. His mask might be crooked but at least he wearing it. How can someone make fun of a man with such good vibes. He is just chilling.

Honestly, Joe Biden doesn’t look the worst for his age. What a glare he has in this photo, like he is focused on something else. It reminds me of a grandpa on his lawn, just watching and waiting. Anyway it goes, where is the college money, Joe?


Tell me why Mike Pence looks so round in this photo. The man also looks so tired. Your time in the White House is over; take a nap, bruh. He is so concentrated in this photo; what are you staring at?

of Politicians Mitch McConnell looks like he is always on 1% battery. That paired with the fact he resembles a turtle in every photo of him, dude can’t catch a break. He reminds me of kids who only breath out of their mouth.

Ted Cruz looks so confused but disappointed all the time. Come on, buddy, you can figure it out! You got this! There is no reason to be so disappointed went. You just went to Mexico! :)

Andrew Cuomo also looks distressed and toad-like in every photo. This guy also seems like the type of person to try and fix his handshake after messing it up just to mess it up again and again. 24 WROM

MEET THE CON Shout out to O.G. BEAVER, our adviser for allowing this all this mayhem to become an issue.

WROM: Hannah Arroyo is a sophomore and this will be their first year writing for Fused. You will be seeing many articles from Hannah this year with a range of different topics. Outside of school, they love to listen to music, do traditional art, watch Twitch and play video games. You can typically find them with their beagle puppy, Scout. They are a Gemini that loves history and hopes to go into that or an education major after high school. This year they hope to learn more about the world and people around them.



Isaiah is a junior and this is his second year on the Fused staff. Isaiah is a large fan of music. Some of his favorite musicians include Pink Floyd and Rage Against the Machine, but that just scratches the surface of his love for music. Isaiah is also a basketball fan. His favorite team is the Indiana Pacers and his favorite player is Russell Westbrook. Isaiah's other interests include video games, cars and politics. Isaiah's hobbies include cooking, playing basketball and hanging out with friends.

NFUSED STAFF BIGGIECATZ: George Balas is a sophomore in his first year on the Fused Magazine staff at North. He was motivated to join the Fused staff after having taken the journalism class last year as a freshman. In school his interests include social studies and the Fused Magazine. Outside of school he enjoys sailing, listening to music and is an avid Formula 1 fan. He has lived in Bloomington for seven years, a city where he feels very much at home.

FLUFFYFROGGY6: Callie Ashby, senior, Editor-in-chief Ayooo I hope you liked my content!!! I loved creating this issue so much. I’m excited to graduate and go to college, but I will North so much. This is my first year on newspaper and my second year in yearbook. Mr. Beaver’s classes have inspired me so much, so I will major in media/ journalism in college. Fun Fact: I am a Gemini, so I love being around people. I also play tennis and go camping a lot.

Thank you to the journalism students who contributed to this issue: Nora Collins, Viral Dawg (Alex King) Strawberry Rascal (Mazie Scott) and Roudra Chatterjea for her social/emotional support.


Art work by: Ben Greenfield and Connor Bowman.