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Dear A&R: I have a sick feeling in ny stomach aII day. At night, I can barely sleep. If I wake up, I stay up for hours. I can't tolerate anything. I see those signs that say rrI Lovett with the heart and I feel nervous. Any noise in the neighborhood makes me angry. Sometimes I think that ny ears are hearJ-ng everything louder. What's wrong with me? Nappy and Unhappy in Buffalo. Dear Nappy: There,s nothing you. wrong with Everything is getting louder. Those rrl Loverr signs are nauseating. p r o b a b t y P e o p I e a r e conspiring against you. They deliberately take advantage of all of your weaknesses. Our advice make lots of noise yourself. Conspirators you are one of will think them.

rr8he Eats A Lotrl Dear A&R: I eat a Iot. f especially like to eat food that has a person's name. For example, for breakfast I like Aunt Jemima Pancakes and ,l irnmy Dean sausage. Sometimes I

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try to match names like to have Mrs. PauI fish sticks with or [Pau1] Newman's sauce on it. Ben & Jerry Ice Cream after Uncle Ben's Rice. I'm getting very fat. What's wrong with ne? Getting Fatter in California Dear GF: There's nothing wrong your body with you. Eventually physical may be in serious danger but as long as you feel good, go for it! rrf,e Hates

Artrl

Dear AtR: I can't relate to art. I hear music but I just wish someone would turn it off. I stare at just paintings and I'd as soon look at the wal1. Is there a book that can help? What's wrong with me? Going Crazy in Minnesota. Dear GC: There's nothing wrongf you. with A lot of famous people hated art and music. Go with your feelings.

WHAT'8 WRONGWTTII YOU1 If you feel like something's you, wronq with send us your letters and we'II keep them in (unless strictest confidence they're so pathetic that we have to show them to a few friends for some laughs). Mail to A&R, P.O. Box 22LL3, Sunset, S.F. CA 9 4 L 2 2

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Dear A&R: to what Sometimes when I listen Irm I canrt believe Irm saying,

rt seems so it. saying boring. It is as if incredibly to read the I have been hired most of the worldrs lines sj-tcom. Whatts wrong boring with ne? E.R. lluncie Dear E.R. Therets nothing wrong with you. A lot of sitcoms are boring but Donrt they are very popular. and expect so much from life, you wonrt be disappointed. Peace. tt@t'

Dear A&R: Can dumb people go crazy or is People it only smart people? t w o m e I h a v e t e 1 1 personalities but if thatts then they must both be true I talk to nyself half-wits. but I donrt understand what Irm What's wrong with me? saying. B1aclc and Blue in Phil1y.

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Dear A&R: someone asks me a Whenever question, I can like at work, eyes and nine in their look times out of ten I can see that know the answer to the they that question. And I can tell they I know that they know that So why would they ask me know. some kind Is this the question? is of test? And if it is a test, the answer really the rrcorrectrr rrrightrt answer? stop I canrt wondering whatrs wrong with me. Akron GaI Friday, Dear GF: Therers nothing wrong with you. You need to stop asking so many guestions. true people are Itrs you, remember, but testing the testing someone is probably you and people who are testing testing then someone is probably not something you Itts them. Think about. can do anything positively and donrt be afraid when you to shut your nind off p e o p l e , at e s p e c i ally t o talk Take care. work. WHATIg WRONGWITH YOU?

Dear B&B Therets nothing wrong with you. in line Maybe you werenrt first p a s s e d o u t t h e y w h e n rQs, but you still double-digit to mental have an equal right in Take pride instability. your linitations. Good luck.

somethingrs like If you feel y o u , s e nd us Your w i t h wrong w e r l l k e ep them in a n d letters (unless c o n f i d e n c e strictest pathetic we have that so theyrre a f e w f riends t o to show them t o A&R, M a i l for some laughs). S .F. CA S u n s e t , P.O. Box 22LL3,

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Dear AtRl get Every tirne I into a discussion with somebody, I cantt seem to have a point of view. I always see both sides of an argument. Like if somebody says that Ratt isntt really a heavy metal band, I can go both ways because in a way they arenrt a rrclassictt heavy metal sounding group, but in another wdy, they are very heavy metal. If somebody says that Dustin Hoffman is a great actor, f can agree and not agree because sometimes he acts like a great actor would act but then other times, he always seems to be acting like the character from ttMidnight Cowboyrr. People say I am ambivalent and wishywashy. On the one hand I can agree with that because of ny problem. But on the other hand, I donrt feel that way personally. Whatrs wrong with me? Lost Ln Scranton. Dear Losts Therets

nothing wrong Many famous politicians and Iawyers have shared the same feelings and become very successful in their fields. Remember, a consistently person indecisive is always either right or wrong. A person could be wrong decisive all the time. Good luck and you disregard this advice if donrt agree.

with

you.

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Bar codesrt

Dear A&R: Maybe Irm too paranoid but I always cut off the bar codes from any product that I buy.

someone once told me, or maybe I had a dream, that these things that and inter-active are to use them can manufacturers if Even messages. transmit they could true, thatrs not some kind of recording contain device which could be retrieved Iater. How else could these companies keep such close track My fanily on what people buy? off for cutting thinks Irm nutty burn them I these bar codes. when Irm done. in the fireplace do contain these things If them burning does transmitters, get pollute c a n r t a i r ? I the are they Or over ny hang-up? really hang-ups? Whatrs wrong British me? 8.c., with B.c. vancouver, Dear 8.C.3 Therers nothing wrong with you. can transmit Bar codes probably they and even if information get the canrt, somebody will and start idea from your letter purpose. that using them for your family. Donrt worry about Instead They donrt understand. of burning them, why not nail as addresses thern to foreign their seriously effect that will powers. Take care. transmitting WIIATI8 lrRONG WITH YOU? you feel somethingrs like If you, send us your wrong with and werll keep them in letters (unless strictest confidence we have theytre so ridiculous to show them to a few friends Mail to A&R, for some laughs). P. O. Box 221-L3, Sunset Station, San Francisco CA 94L22.


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Dear A&R I have a problern with my hands falling asleep at night. Sometimes I wake up and my hands are so asleep I canrt move them.' It really frightens me because f feel helpless without my hands. I couldnrt diat the phone or respond to an attack. If I had an idea, I couldnrt

write

it

down.

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happening more and more often. My husband thinks Irm crazy. Whatrs wrong with me? p.G.1 Philadelphia. Dear P.G. Therers nothing wrong with you. A lot of people have limbs that fall asleep at night. Donrt be frightened. If yourre afraid you wonrt be able to caII the police, buy a phone with an rremergencyrr dialer. If you need to ward off an attack, build a trapgun you can trip with your feet. If yourre scared of losing those midnight brainstorms, try a voice activated cassette recorder. Remember, it could be worse. your lungs What if feII asleep? Good luck. rrf,erg

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Therers nothing wrong with you. If you find yourself spending lots of t,irne looking at life perhaps expectancy charts, yourre suited for a job in the insurance industry. Take care. ll@tt

Dear AtR I hate electrical cables. Whenever f am near the back of the television set, I think the jump onto my neck cables will and asphyxiate me. I tried to tie up the wires but they have a rnind of their own. Every day there seems to be more. Whatrs wrong with rne? Fearful in D.C. Dear C.E. Therets nothing wrong with you. The police files are filled with unsolved cases of death by

strangulation.

Spontaneous

cable suffocation is suspected in many of these murders. Is your apartment grounded? Do you wear rubber soles? Is there any black or dark brown coaxial cable near where you sleep? Have you gotten rid of all wired remote control devices? Are you really cable-ready? Remember, itrs better to be safe than sorry.

Dear A&R ff I live to be 75, then my life is half over. But if I live to be 85, then I have five years more before the half-hray mark. f stare at life expectancy charts and wonder about this aII the time. I{hatrs wrong with me? B.D. Poughkeepsie.

IIHATIS WRONGWITH YOU? you feel If like somethingrs you, ltrong with send us your letters and wetll keep then in (unless strictest confidence theyrre so ridiculous we have to show them to a few friends for sorne laughs) . MaiI to A&R, P. O. Box 221-l-3, Sunset Station, San Francisco CA 94L22.

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Dear A&R!

Sornething has happened to me. I used to think in an orderly Iinear fashion. Now, my thoughts are fragmented and random. Sometimes I am unable to speak because my rnind is programning endless versions of what I could say. My brain feels like it has been divided into various subdirectories. Some portions of my mind seem to have been conpletely re-formatted. I no longer believe that people are creative individuals. I am nosr convinced that what we call creativity merely a is re-sequencing of stored information. All of this gives yet comforting me a depressing, feeling of the transient gualities of life and the universe. My friends think I psychiatrist. should see a Whatrs wrong with me? At Peace in Pittsburgh, Pl.

say about I know what people gravity and thatrs why we donrt faII off the earth but I keeP like the that gravity, thinking is being depleted ozone layer, by toxic wastes. Several nonths a weightless ago I experienced float r might as if feeling I incident that upwards. After started wearing ankle weights. I had to add more weights last getting harder to Itrs week. me? wa1k. Whatrs wrong with A.C., Friscol CA.

Dear At Peace: Therets nothing hrrong with you. Yourre probably in the early stages of what the journals are rrRandom cal I ing Access Syndromerr. You don't need to see psychiatrist a because psychiatry is based on an pattern antiquat,ed Iinear of cause and effect. Your mind has advanced beyond such a prinitive inferential system. Remain at peace as you undergo the progressive stages of this near-spiritual transformation.

Dear A.C. ! Therets nothing wrong with you. scientific There is no clear to disprove your data available to be afraid Donrt theory. However, follow your instincts. on a rely exclusively dontt per-pound weight system. A pair weights ankle light of proper the with supplemented diet - heavy and slow digesting and as beef such foods you stabilize rnutton - will Good the body stress. without Iuck. WHATIg WRONGWITH YOU? you feel somethingrs like If you, send us your wrong with keep them in and werll Ietters (unless confidence strictest we have so ridiculous theytre to show thern to a few friends Mail to A&R, for some laughs). P . o . B o x 2 2 1 , 1 " 3 ,S u n s e t S t a t i o n , San Francisco CA 94L22.

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Dear A&R: Sometimes at the end of a movie will be a disclaimer there that all- the characters saying fictitious are and that any people resemblance to real is Well, so what if coincidental. is it coincidental? If there was a movie with a character my name and who had looked like me but exactly was a psychotic child ki1ler, what would it make if it difference That makes was a coincidence? me irate. And what also gets me mad is when I bring my film in and there is a to be developed sign saying that the store isn't liable if it my loses pictures. Well, who is liable? It makes me sick. l{hat's wrong with me? Angry and Embittered. Fort Worth, IN. Dear Angry: There's nothing lrrong with you. Many experts agree that the world is descending into an age culpa - an era when of absentia humans are unable to accept the responsibility of their This actions. failure of accountability creates enormous Your stress. brain is functioning as a lightning rod phenomenon. For your for this relax and avoid own well-being, prone to proprietor activities liabiLity. "He Fills

out

cards"

Dear A&R: Whenever I buy something new like an appJ,iance, r can't wait to fill out the questionnaire postcard that comes in the box. I answer all of the guestions about my age and how much I earn and what other appliances I own. My wife says that I buy

things cards. right. Strange Dear

just fill to ouC the I think she may be What's wrong with me? Pa. Stan, Philadelphia,

Stan:

There's nothing wrong with you. people Many want to share confidential otherwise information with large manufacturing corporations. that these Some people believe But in cards serve no purpose. reality, they are effective marketing solicitors of infornation. This information is subseguently compiled for your protection. "He walks

Behind

women"

Dear A&R: Sometimes when I walk down the I find myself behind a street, I sense that she woman. perceives me as a potential relieve her and to attacker I hurry ahead. Often I stress, pass one viroman to find myself untiL I pass so behind another, many women that I'm moving at pace. This often an accelerated goes for blocks. What's on me? Bob V., with San wrong Francisco, CA. Dear Bob: There's nothing wrong with you. Your desire to defuse feminine you with is providing a fear workout. healthy cardiovascular you wish to further avert rf womanly worry, try this baby or infant carrying a simulation. WHAT'S WNONGWITH YOU? you feel like If something's your write to The wrong with P. O. Box 22113, A&R Report, San Francisco Sunset Station, cA 94122.


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Dear A&R: from when When I see pictures I was youngerr I can't remember of mY life. any of the details bother me so much. fttis wouldn't remember can I that except I ever read every single detail I remember about celebrities. husband first Smith's Jaclyn and the reason why Ryan O'NeaI punched his son. f remember Joe in 1978 and hairstyle ierry's dressed the ivay Keith nichards on the Canadian tour when he How come I can't got busted. details important iemember but I can about my own life about details remembei trivial What's wrong with celebrities? S., CIam, fllinois. me? Alice Dear Alice; There's nothing wrong with you. retain stronger Many people superstars of recottections own their do of they than Th;t's why popstars are Iives. because even the so famous of aspect most insignificant memorable more is life their event than the most important i m P o rtant y o u r I t i s l i f e . in y o u r n a t ural m i n d ' s L c c e p t to find and you wiII retention peace in your lack of personal memories tt@" Dear A&R: Whenever I see someone eating chewing on chicken and they're j u s t I t h i nk who is the bones, m y bones? It going to chew-on my stomach. to makes me so sick Melody m e ? w i t h wrong what's I o w a . D u b u q u e , Baby,

ng

Ther e' s nothing wr ong with y ou. A lot of people have difficulty

separatj-ng themselves from the next the During food chain. several months eat onlY deboned foods and stay away from X-ray machines. t'He Likes

Accoutrements!"

Dear A&R: I that I realized One day W h a t c o f f e e . t i k e r e a l l y didn't and sugar and cream was I liked the donut I had with my coffee. the same thing about I realized like really I don't hot dogs. and t h e b u n I l i k e the dogs. and ketchup and relish the T realized Then mustard. I that was the case with my whole like really I didn't life. j u s t l i k e d the I Iiving, l i ke I d o n ' t accoutrements. j u s t t he l i k e r â‚Źxercising, work clothes You wear when You out. And the same is true with care when music. I never really I get the music home, I just like going to Tower and looking at the packaging. What's wrong Moose' the me? Marvin with Eureka, california. Dear Marvin: T h e r e ' s n o t h i n g w r o n g w i t h y o g . -' pSople like the lot of A more than life of trappings why That's itself. life wraPPing Paper, and Iipstick, were invented' chrome fenders a matter of the is just Life Good luck proper accessories' and keep in touch. $IHAT'S WRONGWITH YOU? you feel like something's If to The wrong with Your write AeR Report, P. o. Box 22113, s.F. cA 94122. sunset station,

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peeping? I feel like a pervert. me? Ron B. Whatrs wrong with Borden, L,ansing, Michigan. Dear Ron B.!

This always happens to me. Irn on an elevator headed to the ground floor and somebody gets on at a different floor. They. press the ground floor button already lit. even though itrs The same Why do they do that? ground thing happens on the floor. I push the Up button. Somebody comes along and pushes again. When the elevator it do they think that arrives, responsible because theyrre pushed the button last? they feel like screaming. That I might scare a lot of people out of button-pushing. Whatrs wrong with me? Lr. A. Vador, L.A.

Therers nothing wrong with you. A lot of people are turned on by watching Christmas shoppers. call this Psychiatrists Seasonal condition Inverse see to Enporius - a longing of others in the consunmation relationship. It a mercantile is believed to strike hundreds of thousands of consumers, many of whom are unable to complete Try their own shopping. ttwatchingrr your to lirnit,ing weekends. Merry Christmas.

Dear L.A. s

Dear A&R:

Therers nothing wrong with you. press who buttons People unnecessarily are confused and troubled individuals. The same press the Close people usually unaware that it Door button, to anything isnrt attached just a placebo for button itrs pushers. In reality, these people should be using the your For own stairs. you may want to well-being, consider carrying elevator etiquette cards which address problems. these and similar

I quit ny job and I sit at home - If thinking about one thing you see your whole life in the how do moment before you die, yourre you know that what seeing right now is your life, and not just the replay before think death? Thatrs all f me? about. Whatts wrongl with l,lary Merll, Hopkins Creek, N.D.

rrHers A Christmas-Watsherrr Dear A&R3 When Christmas comes, I love to watch people shop. It turns me on to be in a crowded store, watching lots of people spend money. I even tike it when people grouchy. are Occasionally, I get sad when I

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Dear Uarys Therers nothing wrong with you. As we explained the last time you asked this question, it on often helps to concentrate ds long as it one questionr to injury to doesnrt lead yourself or others. WHATTS WRoNc IYITH YOU? you feel If like somethingtsn' you, write wrong with to The A&R Report, P. O. Box 22L1-3, S.F. CA 94L22. Sunset Station,


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l{Cwtrr{ SheDislikes a phrase

Dear A&RsI don,t underEtand why people "point use the phraee, in time.,, There are no "points" in time. It is this . fact which accounts for the anxiety of modern Iife. Existence is finite-and - it limited is alwaye the now. Even if there r^rere points in time, it is unnecessary to say the phrase because the conversational engiistr language "point" use of the word has airafs

been temporal. A peison snould sfi;it say, "at that point. " f wish I didi,i

get

so worked up about this but I do. qrrong with me? ilean Le Boca Fountaiu, Florida.

th"!'â‚Źr Fontaine,

Dear ilean: There,s nothing wrong with you. Worder are a precious iesource and anyone who wastes them is ruining our verbal environment. Try-broader to channel feelings youT into a more loving form of activism. Good luck.

She'sAfraid of Bags

Dear A&R: I am afraid of bags. Everyday, there are more of them. f don't remember there being so many when f $ras a- teenagei. P.g" f get

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when pe6pre try

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ili? me a bag gave at a store. And even though f never bring bags home, it sreemE like r stilf f i;d them in drawerg and other places. I think are taking over. It all !"gr comeEt from this subconscious desi;e that people have. They can,t filf their own lives with meaning, Eo they fill up. a- bag. And that big takee on the spirit and then has a tite of its own. That's what I think. What,s wrong with the world? Or what,s wrong witfr me? Susan Stekel, pollyanaa, Ve. Dear Susan! There,s nothing wrongl t+tlt you and there,s nothini wrong with the world. Many eriioy tnJ - people security,. privacy portiuifity l;d afforded by the use of stropiing bags. -can But bags, Iike any devi-cl, be overused and can become dangerous. Your concern over unneces,sary containment is wet l-foundedr but try to relax and enjoy life more.

rTlt'-r, -

He's Becomea Movie

Dear A&R: I alwaye disliked cerman and Scandinavian movies becauge they r^rere dark and dealt with innei turmoil. Laet however, my life _ye_a!r became dark and full of inner turmoil. The days seemed. to drag by, as if they were glue9 together with melancholy.- t h ei eat for hours in a chair, white faucet The radio played - dripped. meaninr'l egg music interspersed _pop r^rrth horrendous and tragic ner^rE reports. A shadow paesed over me and my life became tlt<e one of thoee movies f used to hate. I was overcome with a flood of emotions and r tried to call friends from yearE ago to talk about movies anamy general deepondency. But f found that these so-called friends hrere all too absorbed and involved in their own mental turbulence or personal relationships to graEp the nopereasneEs of my eituation. For 63 hourg, t watChed cerman and Scandinavian films. Then I cried, with a fullness and richnegs that was unlike any other weeping I have ever known. This wag foltowed-by a eense of exhilaration that has remained with me for the past eight people say months. I 'm nute. What , s r^rrong wiâ&#x201A;Źn *ei Cbarlee Cheminey, Vancouveir. Dear Charles: There,s nothing wrong with you. Radical film theoristg have maintained for many years that people live out the movies- they-who avoid-. ior example, intellectuals dislike vacuous teen comedies, find themselves in a world like such moviee. !f?pp"a This hate for a specific movie species is a self-fulfilling antagonism which psychiatrists call hostility. e Enjoy your exhilaration . g e n rand look for a direction for your love. you muEt ff despair, don, t it for periods -do longer than the length of in "rr"""g" feature film.

What's Wrong With you?

you feel ff likesomething,s wrong with you, write to lhe aei Report, !:o: - P9* 22tL3, Sunset Station, s.e., cA 94L22.

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He HatesBad rilalkers Dear A&R: Nobody knows how to walk anymore. People walk too elow, they're really rude and they don't going. Iook where they're They'1I step into the street and not even look and then they'I1 Etart screaming if a car almogt hits them. Sometimes someone will step in front of me instead of waiting a second. walk too slow so I bump Then, they'Il into them. Sometimes, I'm walking in and somebody going one direction in the other direction cuts in front of me. When I walk up or down stairs, people get slow all together and let me through. won't IE this just happening all over, or in people Florida? It'g aEr if are to say something to me. What's trying wrong with me? Melville Goodnan, Florida. Coral cables, Dear ltâ&#x201A;Źl: There'g nothing wrong with you. The debilitating condition known as homeo pedasoris is spreading globe. around the The stiffened gait cadence and torpid norrr Eo prevalent among our fellow humans ig by caused the deterioration of natural biorhythms. This sluggieh condition bitter is further magnified prevalence by the of running shoee physical which have removed the impediments caused by low traction heele and leather uncomfortable shoe designs. The only female hope is to promote international awarenesE public relationg through efforts such as National Walking Etiquette Day. Good luck.

SheHatesNoisy Bags Dear A&R3 In your February SuEan ish, Virginia Stekel of complained about problem. bags. I have a related I the sound of hate bage, especially just the new plastic bags that keep you put them making noise even after down. Sometimes when I hear â&#x201A;Źromeone one of these bags, opening or closing as if the world I feel has ended and only sound the left is the din krinkle-krinkle of these bags.

What's r^rrong with Baldwin, N.Y.

me?

Mini

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There'g nothing r^rrong Dear l.tini: with you. Recent studieg have shown bage can that the clamor of rattling cauae serious and long term emotional damage. The Surgeon

reportedly considering General is warning labels which will advise injury. consumers of this potential protect your I'teanwhile try to eardrums by using eound silencers.

He Can't Take Advice Dear A&Rs I work aE an advice columnist but I have a difficult people, time taking advice from especially about my column. When people glve get me euggestions I agitated. What gives them the right to give me advice? Does Joe Montana have to take advice from football fans? .fugt because I give advice, doesn't mean I have to take it. Why do I get so mad? What's wrong with me? Gravcn Quichcdalc, Eollywell, Connecticut. Deer Orevens There'g nothing wrong you. with Remember, what the "When Marquie de LaGrange once said: $re aek fot advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice. " People who write to advice columns eimply want to be agsured that others will share their experiences and feelings. As professional advice columnists, the staff at What's your Vlrong With Itre empathizes with position unsolicited advice that is generally unneceEsary, superfluous, unwarranted, unjustified and unfounded. However, remember that people'g hurt so feelings are easily polite try to remain when disregarding the counsel and wigdom of othere.

What's Wrong With You? you feel If like something's !{rong you, write with to the A&R Report, P.O. Box 22LL3, Sunset Station, s.F., cA 94L22.

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She'sAfraid of Irss Air Deer A&Rs I have a suffocating fear. I feel aE though every day there is air available legs to breathe. I know that this is not true, but it seems as if it gete harder and harder to get a full breath. When you get you have less older, lung power, but f'm only 23 and I had my lungs checked twice last month. I feel the walle like are closing in on me, equeezing every laet ounce of oxygen from the atmosphere. What's wrong with me? IJou Arrn Gof f , Silver Spriags, Kanses. Dear Lou Anns There'E nothing wrong you. with There js less air. The - the due to reaEron is air hording stockpiling of healthy 02 by powers, unfriendly Euper eager to good hide supplies of air aE environmental conditions r^ror€ren. Because of the inevitability of this air shortage, it'g uselese to become distressed. Breathe softly and carry a large air canieter.

Nobody Sits Next to Him Dear A&R: I'm a clean perEon in my mid-thirties. f don't smell funny and I rarely think bad thoughts. But for some reason, nobody ever wants to sit next to me. When I'm on the bus or subway, people would rather stand than sit next to me. When I'm at a people crowded lunch counter, would wait. rather I'm trying not to take it personal but after a while it gets to be suspect. What's wrong with me? J.C. atoyce, Brooklyn, N.Y. Dear iI.C.: There's nothing wrong you. with The failure of others to join you may be a simple matter. For do you example, sit next to seats with stains? Do your clothes smeLl like mothballs? Do you read an paper? you find the extra-wide Until quality reason, enjoy the meditative of your privacy.

f

SheHatesHer Problems Dear A&Rs I hate writing about myself and I hate discussing my own problems. One reaEon is that I have so many problems. Most people only have one or two, but it Eeem€r that every eingle thing in my life is a problem my car, my apartment, my job, my diet, my health, my family (which is a whole separate packet of problems) and of course, my boy friend. When I start to write, I just end up going on and on and I get the feeling people don't want to hear about what I'm writing down, yet, for m€r it'e all €ro uncontrollably obsessive that I . . What's wrong with me? Ilorothy Dersbowitz, Clam Eollow, Texaa. Dear Dorothy: There's nothing wrong you. with We're sorry but space problems preclude uE from printing your (which whole letter $re can aEsure you $ras read in its entirety by our ataff. ) your Try dictating commentaries into a tape player and sending those to your friends. Best of luck.

What's Wrong With You? you feel If like sonething's wrotrg your write with to the A&R Report, P.O. Box 22LL3, Sunset Station, ea, 94L22. s.F.,

DISCLAIMER The advice and representations given herein are warranted to be tinely and effective for a period (30) days of thirty from date of publication. The A&R Report disclaims any subsequent or superseding usage. ff pain per sists, s eek professional counseling.

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He HatesWet Doorknobs Dear A&Rs I never ueed to notice when a doorknob was wet but lately it seemE like all doorknobs are slippery or get particularly slimy. f naugeous if the doorknob in a bathroom is wet. f started wearing gloves leather but I can feel the wetness under the leather. Worst of all, I feel like I'm adding to the wetness. Please help. What's \drong with me? Franklia Fenesh, Pardone, Pennsylvania. Dear Franklin: There'e nothing wrong with you. The world is full of moigt clammy damp doorknobs. There is no vray to avoid thig disgueting phenomenon you but can limit the damage by using revolving doors and automatic Hopefully, aarage openerE. remote control and infrared entry systems will eventually send the drenched and sopping knobs to extinction.

SheWrites UnoriginalSongs Dear A&Rs I am a songwriter and I've had songs on several major labet releaseE. Lately, f've had a problem. Every time I write a Eong, great I think its but then when I play it for somebody else they tell goundg like me it another eong. And then I realize it does t I feel like I'm going crazy. What's wrong with me? Dawn Ciccolina, Sunsetta, California. Dear Dawn: There's nothing with you. ltost major songwriters agree that possible it's no longer to write a nelrr Eong. The Copyright Office has even discontinued registering musical compositions. Don't let this condition bother you as it obviously does not bother major songwritere like Billy Joel and Stevie Winwood.

He Listensto His House Dear A&Rs f bought an answering machine and I found f can uge it to monitor my home. I tried it once and then I started to do it once or twice a day. But now I do it all day. On weekends I call my home from a pay phone around the corner. I never hear anything because nobody is home. What'E $rrong with me? N. Nassia, Crawfordsville, Alabana. Dear lf.: There'g nothing wrong with you. people t{any monitor their environment on a regular bagis. ft's not what you hear that matters, it'g what you don't your heart Continue posts as long as you feel observation comfortable and as long ag it doegn't your conflict with ability to function in society.

SheLikes SecretReaders Dear A&R: I get very turned on by people who read over my ehoulder on the bug. In fact, aE I'm writing gtreetcar, this letter on the f'Irl getting hot because somebody is looking at it. I like it best when I'm reading a sexy book. But f algo just get turned on if I have a magazine or neqrspaper and Eomeone gtares at it, too. ft doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman. I still get sexy. What's wrong with me. Marilyn TreIIis, Damron, Missouri. Dear Marilyn: There's nothing wrong you. with Many people enjoy the vicarious thrill of sromeone peering over their shoulder. However; during period this of First Amendment you ehould challengee, be familiar with community standardg and consider reading material that avoids the Supreme Court's characterization of obscenity. Good luck.

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He WantsMilk a lot of PeoPle. Dear A&Rs I am like to have mllk with mY coffee. I like that however, I have noticed Lately, & half offer most places You either Some Places mLlk. lowfat or half nonfat chotce: you a third offer milk. nonfat like don't r milk. & HaIf is too waterY. milk Lowfat I YesterdaY, thick. too is half "WhY can't screamed at the waiter, WhY do milk? have regular you just other these have all have to iou at me EverYbodY looked choices?" I was nutE. What'e wrong with like Uitrtberg. me? Darryl Queen Eelene, Idaho. $trong nothing There's Dear Darryl: are PatronE of regtaurants with you. and most given- far too many choices Why of those choiceE are incorrect. own you bring don't Your Take some real butter' accoutremente? favorite salt, Eugar, milk, Your and perhaps even a brand of ketchup' If necesEaryr 1lou thermoe of coffee. and to may want Pack a eandwich remember that AIeo, as wel}. deiert & in an emergencyr you can mix half a and get milk lowfat with hatf of real milk. decent approximation

He JamsHis Head I go to sleeP Deer A&Rs Every night every and same Position the in I wake uP in a comPletelY morning mY head position with different and mY neck jammed against the wall all daY and mY neck I am stiff bent. out whY I end figure I can't hurts. I go to up jammed next to the wall. the from awaY a foot leagt at sleep the wall wall and I have even lined But every by the bed with Pillowe. What's the same thing. morning it's East Koenig, Earry me? wrong with Virginia. Bahasia,

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wrong nothlng There'e Dear Earry: a You are exPeriencing you. with cal-I psycholog-ists phenorienon Your breakthrough. iocturnal break to gubconscioue mind YearnE and of awareness a new Ptateau into the nearest so it propelE you against in your which' opposition physical This bedroom wall. [[e is ia-se, to the on through to "break degire about in otner gide" has been written and art centurY twentieth much and creative slrmbolizeB your strong to avoid rn order aiive. eiirituat try however, to iiriury Youreelf to bed and sleeping a helhet weiriirg of the with your head near the foot bed.

SheThinksShe'sCrazy Dear A&R: How do I know that I'm not ctazy and when I look ctazy? I feel I look into the eYes of in the mirror absolutelY I'm person. a ctazy I'm insane but every that positive doctor I've Eeen says I'm normal. Why How could the doctors? should I trust mY goes on inside know what they craly head? ,Just becauge I don't have not I'm or a eplit PersonalitY paranoid doesn't mean I'm not ctazy. a Can't me. nobody believes But any of those person be crazy without e1'mptomsa What'E wrong with me? Etta Remote, PeunsYlvania. eotltsty, wrong nothing There's Dear Etta: has a craziness Not all with you. name or symptoms. Sometimes, insanity no has and generic simply ie You are lucky features. identifilble of state this in be to Since lunacY. non-identifiable label to unable are doctors Your in your you can continue conditionr of fear without derangement incarceration. or hospitalization and artists famouE Uany Public and insane are generically figures and function to manage stitt to the world around them. contribute Good luck.

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\ruttNr's He Finds Hair in His Food Last week, I was Dear AtRs eating dim sum in a restaurant out a two inch blond and pulled Needless to Sdy, I donrt hair. eat dim sum anymore. Yesterday, I was eating yogurt and granola out a long brown and I pulled up. threw almost I hair. Needl-ess to sdy, I don I t eat yogurt anymore. In or granola to eat any I tm afraid fact, it I prepare if food except by myself at home from scratch Whatrs wrong a hat on. with Carnes, me? LarrY with PA. theargut, There|s nothing Dear Larrys you. Itrs with wrong to want hair-free reasonable food. The prevalence of hair in and food is because restaurant employees are food processing their high opposed to covering for the sake coiffures fashion a However, health. of firm has produced a midwestern which nairwhere? hairmeter, you give a follicle wilt Good reading on food products. Iuck and happy eating!

She Wonders About Music if I am wondering Dear AtRs getting louder is rnusic It seerns like when everywhere. on ny a new recording I play it is much louder than stereo, when I play an older recording When Irm at the same setting. it seems like the out in public the louder on is music and at my health c1ub. elevator

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He Hates Obvious Comments Have you noticed Dear A&R: has an obvious everybody that comment these days? Like if Irm pizza home some carrying say rrSmells like somebody will pizza.tt raining, or if its sdY, rrl,ooks like sonebody will you got caught in the rain. rr makes me nuts. I hate It really say obvious when people it Whatrs wrongl with ne? things! llY. I'lissoula, Eoo Radford, Dear Boo: Therets nothing wrong in an with you. But remember and confusion, age of tragedy people as a seek the obvious day day to the refuge from best Often the conplexity. response to an obvious question yours obvious is an Iike and take Be patient answer. man. tirne with your fellow

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He Hates Left-to-Right TV Dear A&R: Have you noticed how goes from left everything to right on TV? If you watch long enough, aspecially the youtll commercials, see that either the camera or the actors or whateyer is moving that way. TV is just a collision of left to right irnagery. And it I s rnoving f aster. f canrt concentrate on the content, I can only watch the movernent. Whatrs wrong with me? Phyl Po[en, IrtacAttic, I,laine. Dear PhyI: Therers nothing wrong with you. Donrt bother with TV content. Only visual imagery is inportant. ff the constant left to right action you, bothers your turn TV upside down for two to four hours a day.

She Dislikes Silverware on Teeth Dear AtR: I hate the sound of silverware hitting someoners teeth. When somebody is eating near me and I hear this sound, it makes a nerve run up and down my spine. The other day I heard someone click a soup spoon against a rear molar and I almost threw up. Whatrs wrong with me? L,eona Bensonhurst, Queens, New york. Dear Leona: Therels nothing you. wrong with Many people dislike the sounds associated - the clang of with silverware a fork on china, ot the crash of spoons hitting a ceramic sink. Try using hard rubber eating utensils made by the Springware company and paper

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She Can't Manage Her Manager D€ar A&Rs f bought one of those rrmanagersrr and I electronic feel like it is controlling my life. I typed in ny friendsl names and phone numbers but the manager only remembers the female names, not the male rrdumpsrr names. It any information about men. I tried to tell this to the salesman and he said I was nuts. Whatts wrong with me? Kathy Pinko, Havana, Arkansas. Dear Kathy: Therers nothing you. wrong with Many of the major manufacturers are making gender conscious computer chips and some salespeople are not even aware. Look for a gender switch on the back of the device and flip it according to your purposes.

He Likes His Report your D€ar A&R: Receiving nonthly report is more important to me than keeping up with my farnily and tife-Iong friends. Whatrs wrong with me? John Spellnan IfI, Summerville, Massachusetts. D€ar ilohn: There I s nothing you. wrong with Many people prefer the cozy chatter of a regular newsletter to family or friends. But remember, one way to stay in touch is with our new interactive A&R 9600 baud bulletin board. Write for BBS information. Best wishes.

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She'sNicerat Work Dear A&R: My husbandtold me that I was nicer to peopleat work than I am at home.I think he's right. Im very friendly at work. But when I'm at home I yell at my husbandor the kids. I look better and dressbetter at wotk than at home. And I feel better. I'm never depressedat work and I never really wory. I just work. Lately, I've beengettingevenmore depressedat home. What's wrong with me? Scotti Magellan, Roll, DA. Dear Scotti: There'snothing wrong with you. ldany people are friendlier, monejovial, and generallymore enjoyableto be aroundwhen they'rein the office. To balanceyour situation you may wish to turn your home into a business or perhaps hire your family as independent contractors. By viewing your family in an employment or business environment, you'll be able to share your upbeatattituderound the clock.

He FeelsStrangeTouch Dear A&R: Whenever I bump into a sttanger, I feel their touch a long time. I just brush against someone on the bus but I feel it for so long afterwards. I went to a doctor but she said I needed to have counsetng. I don't think I need counseling. What's wrong with me? Fanell Salinger, Boomer, NC. I)ear Farrell: Thete's nothing wrong with you. lv[any people can feel a stmnge person's touch for a long time. Why do you think they're called strangerc? Because their touch is strange. If it should begin to bother you or otherwise handicap your day-to-day existence, just pretend that strangers ale really your friends. If the situation becomes chronic, consider weadng football padding or kevlar underwear Good luck.

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He ThinksAboutGats I wonder about black cats Dear A&R: crossing my path. If I make it past a black cat and then it crosses my path behind me does that count as bad luck? If I can't see aheadof me and a cat crosses my path but I don't see it do the crossing, does that count as bad luck? How soon does it have to cross my path? Sometimes I think the whole world is just a web of paths across which black cats have crossed. If I did something bad to a black cat to stop it from crcssing my path, would that be What's wrong with me? bad luclq too? George Labella, Pincus GA. Dear George: There's nothing wrong with you. Many people are obsessed with the intricacies of superstitions. Remember, it's better to be prudent now than to be pruned later. Keep up the power and watch where you step.

She'sInspiredBy Tragedy Dear A&R: I am an artist and I feel tenible because I'm inspired the most by disasters. Whenever I learn of a large tragedy or a war somewhere, I get very inspired. I painted thirty canvases in the first six days of the haqi War. What's wrong with me? Carol Kensington, Jefferson, NH. Dear Carol: There's nothing wrong with you. ldany great writers and musicians would be barren if it weren't for the tragic events of the world. Msery is an inspirational force fat superior to traditional muses. Great works like Picasso's Guernica, CSN&Y'S Ohio, and Hogan's Heroes were inspired by true tragidramas of the twentieth century. Don't be ashamed by your need to feed on these misfortunes. Channel your feelings into licensable merchandise and art. Best wishes.

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She Wonders About Water and Celebrities

DearA&R: WheneverI'm neara bulletin board I get a dizzy spinningfeeling asif I wasgoing to faint. This is a big problem for me at college becausebulletin boards are all over campus. What's wrong with me? Judd Hopkins,Harkins, Ky.

Dear A&R: I live in a town where there are many celebritiesincluding Mr. X [for legal reasonswe are unableto print the nameof this well known pop singer. - ed.l. All of the town's water comesfrom a reservoir in the mountains. Sometimeswhen I am taking a shower, I wonder about the water and I wonder about Mr. X. If he was taking a shower in his houseat the same time I was taking a showerat my houseand I turned off my water - would he get the water that was intendedfor me?And vice versa.I think about it a lot. What'swrong with me?Erica Adams, Park West,Illinois.

Dear Judd: There'snothing wrong with you. Bulletin boardsstir many emotions.For some people, these boards signify compulsive bureaucratic behavior and anal-compulsive organizationalobsessions.For others, they triggerthoughtsof chaosbecause of the casual, arbitrary and often indiscriminateplacement of items. Psychologists recommendfixating on a particular item of the boardand viewing the chaos from the perspectiveof this singular item. If the problemcontinues,you may want to try electronic bulletin boards which are available on computer telecommunications networks.

She Falls ln Her Sleep Dear A&R: I have a lot of dreams where I feel like I'm falling. Sometimes,I have this feeling just after I lay down on the bed but before I'm asleep. It's not really a dream. It's like a thumbnail sketch kind of a dream in which I'm tripping or falling. I can feel myself jump. My boyfriend says that it scares him. It's happening almost every night. What's wrong with me? Kimberly Chase, ShuttlesberE,Ya. Dear Kimberly: There's nothing wrong with you. Many people dream of falling. Scientists have determined that it is a reflexive mechanism which prepares the dreamer for potential slip and fall situations in real life. Several insurance companies are presently using such dream studies to determine a sleep instruction program for lowering personal injury liability. If necessary, wear padded pajamas and avoid sleeping near the edge of the bed.

Dear Erica: There'snothing wrong with you. Many peoplewonder about the circulation of community water supplies. However, for socialand personalreasonsyou should avoid fantasizingabout celebritiesand their water usage.If your fantasypersists- try showering out of town for extendedweekends.

He Worries in Elevators Dear A&R: Whenever I am on an elevator I look around at the people and think that if there was a disaster - we would all share our final moments on earth together. All because we happenedto go to lunch at the sametime or some other random situation. I'm more frightened of being in an elevator accident when other people are around then when I am alone on the elevator. I work on the 25th floor so I can't walk up the stairs. What's wrong with me? Sterling Benson, Fidelus, CA Dear Sterling: There's nothing wrong with you. Remember, however, that just as you resent these intruders on the elevator, they would probably resent your presencein a time of catastrophe, too. So you really do have something in common with them - mutual resentment. If this fear continues, seek employment on a lower floor, or wear a blindfold when on the elevator. Good luck.

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She Hates Call Waiting I waiting. I hate call Dear A&Rs a put because on hold being hate It Eeems call. perEon gets another I called firet. After all, so unfair. with me first they finish Shouldn't to the next Person? talk and then I think Sometimes when I call people' the pretending that I'm they're because they and juet second caller to mâ&#x201A;Źr theY'll want to talk don't and Eay, "Oh, I'm on the other line" times, I think they hang up. other phone Eo that their people just click have a caII they can pretend they have another Then they waiting. It reallY excuse to hang uP on me. me? wrong with What's bugs me. l{ett York. Sophie Bremerr Beerstadt, wrong nothing There'g Dear Sophie: just is you. waiting CalI with of interactive in a eeries another devices designed to help ue avoid our to one solution social- obligations. is to get two waiting deal with call a phone linee. Then, call outgoing While waiting. who has call friend on dial your friend you are speaking, When they get on your second line. pretend still it'e the eecond line, lj-ne. Eventually, you from the first to You. give up and talk they will blocks This method also effectively from coming through. any other calls Good luck.

he Eeems to be suffering mailperson, a transsexual from Perusal quirk which motivates psychological people to read magazines aimed at the magazine MandatorY sex. opposite soon make your will shrinkwrapping have Your then, Until problem moot. to your office. magazinee re-routed Good luck.

He Does Windows Dear A&R: Three weeks ago I cleaned windows in mY house. Ever the front cleaning stoP can't I then since is there that I beLieve windows. cleaning about spiritual eomething Eeem to Put it in glass. But I can't feeling an overwhelming It's wordg. I carry given it. into and I've Windex and a squeegee paper towels, wherever I go. What's wrong with me? WYoming. Spilling' Desi Perry, $trong nothing There's Dear Perry: and clarity The cleaneing with you. of an immaculate brilliance sparkling in many figuree wlndow has inepired and Gandhi' Lincoln including history Hagman. ManY window (Da7las, Larry those working particularly washere, seeing rePort buildinge' on tall selfhallucinatorY and visions Good luck work. in their revelations mission. on your purifying

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She Suspects Mailman is my mailman I think Dear A&Rs The weird my magazines. reading he's only reading the thing is that Cosmopolitan like Vogue, magazines Some of them even have and Mirabella. yellow with portions highlighted day, a couPon to The other markers. had been ripped a sweepstakes enter know why I am so uPtight out. I don't me? What's wrong with it. about NX I{oodbridger Turner, Taylor vtrong There's nothing Dear Taylor: you. be more What could with paying fifteen than depressing gubscription and a for dollars getting a dog-eared ABR (Already Been As for your Read) magazine?

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of fear I have a big Dear A&Rs of other in front asleep falling people. When I'm on a long bug ride a needle and I carry or plane ride, doze so I don't poke myself with it I I wish of otherg. in front off me? What's wrong with could relax. Va. SinPleton, Daniel D.W. Walford, wronet nothing There's Dear Daniels with you. Many people fear napping in than rather public. However' skin with your health endanger puncture may we suggest simply taping gkin colored with eyelids up your aid tape or using Eye'Openetsl first that fit shaped fixtures the wire to around your eye socket naturally day long. keep your eyes open all Good luck.

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He Cries for In-Flight Movies Dear A&R: Every time I see a movie on an airplane,I cry. A few yearsagoI waswatching Shon Circuir with SteveGutenbergand I cried when the robot saved Ally Sheedy. I saw Driving Miss Daisy on a flight to New york and I cried whenMorganFreemanfed JessicaTandy the cake. I also cried in Green Card when the immigrationpeopletook GerardDepardieuand in OnceAround whenRichardDreyfusshad his heart attack. I nevercry when I watchmovies in a theateror at home.What's wrong with me? Mitty Collier, kBe, Mississippi. Dear Mitty: There's nothing wrong with you. Weepingwhile in an airplaneis inducedby the dry pressurized cabin. Airlines and film distributorscaterspecificallyto thisphenomenon by showingan endlessstreamoftearjerkers for the weeper& sleepercrowd. If high-altitude sobbing disturbs you, we suggestyou weiu water-packedairline goggles,which will keep your ductsmoist and tear-free.

SheHatesWrong DatedMagazineDear A&R: Why is it that the date on a magazineneverhasanyrelationto thedatewhen I receive it? I might get a magazine in Septemberbut the dateof the magazinewill be October or November.I would really like to adjust it so I get the magazinein the month that is printed on the cover. This bugsme so much that I have canceled several magazine subscriptions.What's wrong with me? Sukhee Yuban, Montibello, Canada. Dear Sukhee: There'snothingwrongwith you. It iJ disturbingto receiveamagazinein a month that is differentthanthedateof issue.Naturally, no such problem will ever occur with your subscriptionto the A&R Repon As for other magazinesmay we suggesta handyservice- the Wee Hold Company, in Samuelson,Arizona which will intercept predatedmagazinesand hold them until the proper date for receipt. In

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addition,the companywill de-scentanyperfume strips and remove loose subscription cards beforeforwardingyour publications.

SheHatesNoisy Leafher Dear A&R: I love wearing leather. But I hate the sound. If I'm on an elevator and I rub againstthe wall, the noiseis so annoyingI could bite my tongue. If I wear a leatherskirt and sit in a chair and move, it soundslike I have a squeakybutt. I haveall this leatherclothingbut I hatethe noiseof it. What's wrong with me? Lythia Matlock, Grove, Louisiana. Dear Lythia: There'snothingwrong with you. The gratingsoundof animalhideshaslong been a sourceof irritation to the humanrace. That's why severaltannerieshavebeenbreedinga new squeak-proofcowhide. In the interim, we suggestyoltry LeatherLube - a new transparent polymer packagedin an ozone-friendlyspray bottle. It spreadsa grease-likecovering which eliminatesmuch of the squeakingand creaking soundsof rubbingleather.

He HatesIraving Messages Dear A&R: I never know what to say on telephonemessagemachines.After I hear the beepI just go blank. If I start to speak,I lose my confidenceand I sound like an insecure idiot. I haveevenpracticedwhatI would saybut I still lose my nerveand blow it. It's gottenso bad I'm afraid to call anyone. What's wrong with me?Hans Litener, Mitchum, California. Dear Hans: There's nothing wrong with you. You have good reasonto be anxiousover the semi-permanentrecording of your voice on foreign answeringmachines.Try pre-recording your messagebefore calling and then simply play it back into the phone after you hear the beep. That way you'll always feel secureand you'll havea permanentrecord - in caseit ever becomesan issue.Good luck.

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wrrnry He GetsDizzy From Lights Dear A&R: Am I going crazy or are all ttre Chrisffnaslights blinking fasterthis year? They seemto go on-and-off so fast that I haveto look awayor I getdiny. Someof the lights seemto race around in endlessloops that get faster if you watch them closely. I'd like to enjoy Christmashghts, but I can't. What's wrong with me? Samm Lampiere, IVail, OY. Dear Samm: There'snothingwrong with you. The lights are blinking faster. Scientiss have determinedthat the speedof electronmovement in your AC outlets is increasing. This phenomenonis most noticeablewhen viewing blinking lights. If you want to adjustto this phenomenon,try relocatingto a city suchas Las Vegaswherethe accelerationof blinking lights is lessnoticeable.

SheWorulers@ Dear A&R: Every New Year's Eve I wonder the samething - is there a spacebetweenonc year and the next? If not, it would all be ono big year. Therehasto be sometiny fractionnr time or space between December 31st and Januarylst. That's what I think about.What is that interval - that gap in time? And if there is a spacebetweenone year and another, is there also a gap betweenone day and another?As you cansee,I get woundup on this subject.What's wrong with me? Squirrel DeCosta, Love Rodeo, New Mexico. Dear Squirrel: There'snothingwrongwith you. Of coursethere's a spacebetweeneachyear. If you stare closely at the falling ball in Times Squareyou'll notice there's a spacebetween midnight and when the ball touchesthe bottom. There'salsoa spacebetweeneachmonth,week, day, hour, minute and second. If thereweren't a spacewe wouldn't be able to keep track of time. Sincepeopleneedmoretime, government offlrcials are presently consideringconverting someof these"spaces"into actual time. Write to your Congressperson for more information.

Happy SongsMake Her Sad Dear A&R: How comehappyChrisrnassongs makeme sad?All of the chirpy taneslike Jingle Bells or Santa Aaas is Coming to Town make me sadderthan whenI hearthe really sadsongs like Silent Night or Have Yourselfa Merry Little Christmas. I was at the dentist and,Frosty the Snowmancame on and I started crying in the middleof my prophylaxis. What's wrong with me?Giotta Simonetta,NoseCone, PA. Dear Giotta: There's nothing wrong with you. It's not the subjectmatterof the Christrrassongs that's making you sad, it's the mandatory subliminalmessageencodedin every Christmas recording.Originally, thesesubliminalpatches were intendedto convey a pro-buying mood but over the years these hidden missives have res'rltedin depression andmelancholyamongthe ,nsumersector faced with dwindling funds. :xcept for the use of noise reductiondevices, there's no methodto overcomethis pervasive seasonaldespondency. Good luck.

He's TurnedOn By Trees Dear A&R: I have a strange problem at ChristmasbecauseI get turned on in a big way by Christmastrees.I love the way they look, I love the way they smell. I can't seemto control my feelings. Last year at the company Christmasparty w:rs particularly embarrassing for me. It was obvious how turned on I was getting. What's wrong with me? Rolf Meinshiiben,Platte, MT. Dear Rolf: There's nothing wrong with you. You're simply experiencingEvergreenEroticas or, as it is nicknamedby psychologists,Xtnas Erectus. The comforting smell, the calming atmosphereand the phallic symbolism of the seasonaltrees are a powerful aphrodisiac, particularly for men. If you are concernedabout the obviousphysical effects, you may wish to wear constrictive undergarmentsthrough the holiday season.Bestwishes.


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He \Tonders About Breath Dear A&R: I would rather die than have bad breath. If I think I have a problem,I keepmy mouth closedand breathonly throughmy nose. But now I wonder,doesyour breathsmellwhen it comesthrough your nose?It seemslike it's the sameair so it would smell as bad. I'm too shy to ask someone.WhenI'm out in publicI get dazy becauseI don't inhale and exhale properly. What's wrong with me?Hocks Bentley, Strawberry Falls, N.D. Dear Hocks: There'snothingwrong with you. Many peopleare concernedaboutthe effectsof rotten respiration. However, scientists have determinedthat the pungencyof the odor is reduced materially as a result of exhaling through your nose. In order to guaranteezeto potency, you may want to pack your nasal cavitieswith mint flavored filters. Remember, it's beffer to maximizethe preventionmethods than risk the debilitating emotional strain of watchingfriends and loved onesfighting to get out of your breathingrange.

SheSeesCar Auras Dear A&R: Somepeoplecanseeaurasaround people. I can seeaurasaroundcars.It starteda week ago. I saw the aura around my Volvo. Later, I saw the aura around my boyfriend's ChevyMalibu. Now, I seethemall over. Each car has a distinct vibration and specialcolors. I understandcars much better now and I understandwhy there are so many car accidents.The aurasof the carshave an effect. My boyfriend saysI'm sick. What's wrong with me? Cecelia Willis, Sanda,WA. Dear Cecilia: There'snothingwrong with you. Reports of auto-aurashave existed since the invention of the Model T. Carsonnasare believed to be one of the factorsin the frequency of auto mishaps. If you are gifted with the ability to perceivethesefrequencies,you may qualify for a careerin traffic regulationor law enforcement.Bestwishes.

He DreamsHe's Awake Dear A&R: I am plaguedwith insomnia.But evenwhenI do manageto sleep,I havea recurring dream - that I'm awake. This leavesme very confused,especially,whenIwalcefrom the dream. It seems,sometimes,like it doesn't matter if I'm asleepor awake. What's wrong with me?C.D. \ilashington,Washington,D.C. Dear C.D.: There'snothing wrong with you. Insteadof sleep, you are experiencingsuperconsciousness, an ultra transcendentstateoften broughton by the heightenedstressof modern life. Ratherthan try and sleep,may we suggest you takeup a trade suchas computerprogramming or depositiontranscribing.

SheHates Long Greetings Dear A&R: Lately, wheneverI call a business, thereceptionistwon't shutup. YesterdayI called the gas companyand the womanansweringthe phone said, "Good afternoon.You've reached PG&E. This is Michelle in Reception.How may I help you today?"Couldn't shehavejust said 'PG&E.' Try calling any businessand you'll seewhat I mean. It drives me $azy. What's wrong with me?Maleska U. Geene,Summerhummin, Colorado. Dear Maleska: There's nothing wrong with you. Many phone callers are disturbedby the unnecessary wasteof verbiagepropoundedby a falselyfriendlybusinessenvironment.Businesses believethat callerswill be worn down by these interminablemandatedutterances.In order to avoid suchinsinceregeniality, you may want to try using a warningtransmitter- a small device which emits a piercing tone once the phone ia answered.This will causetemporaryconfusion and allow you to bypassthe openingstatement. Another method is to ask the receptionistto repeateverything(i.e., "What was your name, again? Wherehave I called?Is it the morning or afternoon?")This approachreversesthe effect and wearsdown the receptionistrather than the caller.Goodluck.

What's Wrong With Me?  

What's Wrong With Me? compilation.

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