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BEIJING - Before you throw that Fourth of July cherry bomb, take a moment to you are! in China where the be living You could meditate on how lucky Thatts right, freedom to consume. wiII soon lose their short,-lived citizens the fallout from Tiananmen Sguare is expected to signal a change in direction which had hoped Multigloms, tinetable. for Chinats consumption/production and of Iicensing to repeat the Korean-Taiwanese paradigrm foresee a retirement by spread web the from rnarketing endeavors as the Chinese retreat international media moguls. George Michael (which had infiltrated China with Music Business cartels revenues licensing to lose Wham Tour) are expected during the mid-8ots that the Time-Warners topping $400 billion. Many industry observers believe houses have music publishing international merger and the sale of several all been in preparation for Chinars entry into the globaI entertainment/nedia PepsiCo and the Chinese Madonna, Michael Jackson, George Michael, network. edition of ttBTTett were all expected to create a rrGreat Wallrr of consumer lDue to fax problems, correspondent's report

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FROM th6 Editor yOU CANIT TAKE IT WITH YOU - Last June we warned about cosmetic surgery on the dead (see ish 23, "CaTories From Beyond the Grave How to Keep Pounds Off Forever.o). This spring two California funeral hornes wilI offer the controversial process by which rrdead weighttt I4ortosuction@ is removed. Corpses will be altered according to the w deceased. Expect some serious titigation on this one! SHARKEYREPORT- Was it mere coincidence character in "The that Ray Sharkey's Idolmaker" was named Vinnie and that the character who caused his death as Sonny Steelgrave on "Wiseguy" was also named Vinnie? The Wiseguy-Idolmaker connection will be more fully Cornerrr returns at the explored when|tsharkeyrs end of the suntmer. two-parter, Until then werre featuring an incredible rrA&Rts Favorite Wiseguy Quotesrrr featuring some of the best shots and spots from the hot music biz rniniseries. AND TIIE CHANCES ARE GOOD THAT A VEGETABLE IIILL RESPOND TO YOU! Due to a tragic computer meltdown, the tabulation survey has been of the readership postponed. Expect the astonishing ed. statistical next ish. conclusions @ A&R 1989

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room had for Jury Duty at 9:30 a.m. The jury asse*bly R reported first Day. rrHOMErr, hosted Rob by to tuned Uotn Unytroni, Snarp L9 inch two ttClaudia rrEntertainrnent Newquayrl Guest host was Dierdre We1ler. tonigfrttt jurors addressed the potential assembly room administrator HaI1. The jury microphone. with what n Uefieved wis : an Audio Technica ATW-1,032 cordless announced, via a Shure R was sent to Department L2. After an hour the bailiff l-2L mounted on i gooseneck desk stand, that the case had settled. Monkees an ad using jury room R watched assembly In the Second Day. music - tttley, Hey wetie l,Iarine Worldtt. R was sent to Department 5, where a the was counter-suing The former client his former client. Iawyer was luing in the It reminded R of the joke he had heard earlier for malpfactice. fawler "Oh God! I left the safe day. [Two law[ers go out to lunch. One lawyer says, rrWhat here.rrl both Wetre you about? worried are says othLr The of Youthrr Begley, .Sr. ) wa-s using a (casting Ed rrsweet eird The judge l-O inch Utah speaker. to a waIl-mounted mi-c hooked desk naaio Shack@ beatjup Nobody said Yes, feelings. had anti-lawyer any jurors The ju-aqe asked if rrWanderlustrr. I R was not s Steele Danielle woman reading riAing the incf j u r y . t h e f o r selected - Ellen ItAIice Third Day. In the jury assembly woman, a large woman (casting r r N o b o d y talk to me. Irve been will wis crying, Doesntt tive Hererrnurstyn) was no P.A. there 8, where to Department sent here a week.n R was rrThe explained _the case: judge Hoskins) Fridayrr Good l,ong (casting Bob The yacht from a salesman in custom SE Nordic a 44 foot ordLred A stockbroker deal. The yacht the cancelled year stockbroker the later, Newport Beach. A d e p o s i t . salesman kept $4,ooo of the $l-0,000 Helen Purdum, who R could be inpartial. the jurors The judge asked if told the judge that she when excused remembered frorn Ralph Records days, was but, as an officer opinion her R respected her. the whole thing dijgusted comments. similar from rnaking was precluded of the court, The judge The judge asked R what his wife did. R said she was a musician. a street was she that no, said R with an orchestra? asked where she played R recordings. her sold and at the Wharf rnusician. She piayea tne accordion t i Y o u r t h e p l a y i n g , h e r y o u s e e could only honor, if wanted to say _shers . rr - but R only answered what he was asked. thing cutest fittfe (casting of the stockbroker examination Fourth Day. During direct Qene trNo I Outrr) Way at the end of , R real ized who gets killed Hackman s assistani With the design. office B was a museum of mid-century Department that was no there (a standard AT&T five line handset) of the telephone exceptioh used staff courtroom AI1 of the technology. of post ZO-s office evidlnce The design. five-wheel than the safer rather chairs office four-wheeled no were there L965; circa was a manual Smith Corona typewriter clerkrs c o p i e r . n o n o m o n i t o r s ; keyboards, no CPUs; no PA; o; electronic electric interest calculate to needed When bne of the attorneys Nobody had a laptop. can compute, but they are not he asked tor a computer! ! Calculators ratesl to as computers. R did not offer his Casio QD l-00. referred

The only discussion about consumer technology to the Nordic was in relation 44SE custom yacht which both parties boat. Although agreed was a beautiful R could share their care didnrt excitement about the technology, he just engugh about sailboats. testified During Direct Examination, the stockbroker (1) that he didnrt to buy the know how to sail when he signed the contract (21 that the loss of the $a,Ooo gave him an ulcer and he had $feo,OoO yachti to take Tagemet@; and (3) that he was sure that once the case was over, his rrsmooth Talkrl ulcer would go away. Opposing (casting Treat counsel Williams) asked the stockbroker if winning the case would be as beneficial for his ulcer as going to Lourdes. Fifth Day. During direct examination of the yacht salesman from Newport Beach (casting - the guy who played Mr. Wilson in rrDennis the Menacerr), R realized that Treat Williams, with the right could look like make-up and glasses, Jerry Lewis. R also realized how much jury duty was like high school. R had to sit in a room with uncomfortable about seats and listen to people talk things he didntt care about and if he made a wise crack, he would get in trouble. As an officer of the court, of jury R understood the responsibility duty but his mind kept wandering back to last nightrs Arsenio HaII show and performance the singing by Sherman rrGeorge Jeffersonrr Helms1ey. The yacht sal-esmanrs wife (casting Phyllis Newman) was in court every day wearing what R believed were Bill Blass suits. R learned On the way out of court, that one of the jurors did the sound for Camper Van Beethovenrs last tour. - the Sixth Day. During final (casting arguments, the stockbrokerrs attorney guy who gave marijuana to the parents in ttTaking Offlt) held up an article rrl rm sure this man believes about a man who believed that the earth was flat. t his i s t r u e . just like the [yacht salesman] believes what hers saying ItThis is the truth.rr Then he held up a copy of the yacht sales contract. isn't a contractrr he said, and ripped it up. In order to demonstrate conversion, the stockbrokerrs attorney lunged for rrThatrs his clientts grabbed to get it back. briefcase. The stockbroker t r w hen you conversionrtr said the attorney, clutching the case to his chest, take property p r o phetic that doesntt belong to you.ttR felt that this was a vision of their attorney-client relationship. Then the stockbroker's got so enthusiastic attorney he lost his train of Itlsnrt thought and his face flushed. He asked the jury, this exciting?rl R thought that if the courtroom was the set for a Cronenberg movie and the attorneyrs head exploded - that.would be exciting. Final argurnents were completed at 5:30 p.n. The jury would rather stay late than come back on Monday.


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- Fred rrHammerrrDyer The jury room was col-d because the one smoker (casting jury srnoking T r u e ) , h a d t o s i t b y a n open window. The reached a verdict a g a i n s t the stockbroker. The jury voted to let the yacht salesman keep the Newman started Phyllis was read. $ 4 ,o o o . A t 8 : 5 0 p . n . t h e j u r y ' s verdict crying and Mr. Wilson looked like he was going to cry, too. R was hungry. It was a windy San Francisco night.



rrshe Wonders About



Dear Wendy: Therets nothing wrong with you. Itrs true, â‚ŹrS Freud once said, that rrsometimes a cigar is just a cigar, rr but remember things have changed a lot since Freud was alive. There are a 1ot more men and there are a Iot more things to wonder about. Are all men the same? How diffetent can a man be? Good luck, but keep a reasonable perspective on your conclusions. Remember, werre all one big subspecies. rrHe Has A Peepholetl

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WITl{ I have spent a lot of my life wondering about men. Why do they do certain things? For example, I wonder about TV wrestling. Why do men do it? Why do men watch it,? AIso, I wonder why do men urinate on objects like trees and walls. I wonder about this because I am seeing more men urinating in public. Today I saw a man urinate on a truck. Is this because there are more people on the streets or is it also some kind of statement by men at the end of the l-980's? Some of the men I see urinating donrt look like they're street people. They look like they have money. Why do I think about this? Whatrs wrong with me? Wondering Wendy, Spokane, Iga.

how insulated I am from the world. When a person comes to my door, I see indecision in his face like maybe he didntt really want to see me. So I never answer the door. The peephole is only 5/8 inch wide but it has changed ny life. Whatts wrong with rne? G.N. , Rome, NY. Dear 'G.N. : Therers nothing wrong with you. Everyone has the right to change perspective. your their ff obsession does not subside, perhaps you can seek out a profession like doorman or maitre de which incorporates this view of the human race. Best wishes. ttHe Doesntt

Have Thingsrr

Dear A&R: I never have 9-vo1t batteries when f need them or the three pronged adapters for electrical cords. I try to buy ahead but it never works out. Whatts wrong with rne? K.8., Belmont, AK. Dear K.B.: Therets nothing wrong with you. you Perhaps should consider joining an accessories service, which for a tinited monthly fee, delivers an assortment of household handyman supplies. Check your yeIIow pages. WIIATIS WRONGWITH YOU?

Dear A&R: Recently I installed a peephole on my front door. Itts a fisheye lens and it makes everything look like a movie. I look out the peephole for long periods of tine. I have a stool set up so I can eat meals there. I watch people walk by and realize


you feel If like somethingrs you, wronq with send us your letters! and werll keep them in (unless strictest confidence theytre so ridiculous we have to show them to a few friendsfor some laughs). Mail to A&R, P . O . B o x 2 2 1 - 1 - 3 ,S u n s e t S t a t i o n , San Francisco CA 94]-22.


July 1989