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REPOR Box 22I13 April



1991 llhe Mcleanina






the Meat - Itrs


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gastronomic in patented Ready for the latest Archesil for Golden the under R&D? Then take it Mclean McDonaldrs@ of out a big watery bite part marine part and part H2O, cow, oeluie seaweed? that with come Hey, do fries algae. food fast look now but the devious Donrt jam a new to conspired have franchises collective our down spectrum of synth-foods just isnrt And the best part - this throats. we can a burger itrs eat, a burger we can patent the can wâ‚Ź right, protect! Thatts process and based water retention carrageenin lock and under beef odor keep the ester-based key. of the universe So get ready to redefine ourselves sustenance as we Whopperize edible post-8Ofs of kingdom the fleshless into dining. Colonel me, check out the new logo at your local And if you donrt believe Our Chicken. Fried it I s now rrKFCmrr not Kentucky cause Sanders to (not appealinq have phased out the rrfriedrr buddies biscuit-loving K FC too. kiss off the chicken, and soon theytll todayrs conned-sumers), skinless bird meat last month. By the end of the centurY, debuted its first aII and without into chicken breasts whitefish transforn aquafarms wiII and blood. that noisy squawking, feathers - a - the fast food party line has become an edible dialectic Thatts rignt plankton and hotdogs are turkey is fowl, in which fish antithesis thesis looks or tastes may turn up on your pi-zza. It doesnrt matter how it smells, - iff And all of this is just a prelude called! that matters is what itts resistant) grown (and bacteria laboratory of all additive to the greatest ruled high court recently Californiars Not coincidentally, human tissue. - not the human donors - could claim ownership researchers that bio-nedical homo sap-iens. from biopsied over patented organ research resulting Green, then pass the pepperoni like Soylent a tittle tastes If this is one part of a Fast food devolution only the beginning! because itrs being is and blood ftesh in which catharsis ablutionary tri-pronged not This is heralded inagery. from our cultural extracted unilaterally Stepford of re-programmed but by the release only by the Mclean burger, Pop Star Perpetuity James Brown (see ish 35 ttGood God! Audio Animatronics, of Behind the James Brown Frame-uptt) and Sonyrs signing and the Truth bloodless embalmic this perpetual Jackson. We prostelytize Michael under the Arches and in the Pizza Huts of our Global ViIIage. ievelation yourre into a burqer, The McMeat is the McMessage - Yourre not just biting @ 1991 A&R into a brave new biting

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He Gets Sick Over Bulletin Boards

She Wonders About Water and Celebrities

DearA&R: WheneverI'm neara bulletin board I get a dizzy spinningfeeling as if I wasgoing to faint. This is a big problem for me at college becausebulletin boards are all over campus. What's wrong with me? Judd Hopkins,Harkins, Ky.

Dear A&R: I live in a town where there are many celebritiesincluding Mr. X [for legal reasonswe areunableto print the nameof this well known pop singer. - ed.l. All of the town's water comesfrom a reservoir in the mountains. Sometimeswhen I am taking a shower, I wonder about the water and I wonder about Mr. X. If he was taking a shower in his houseat the same time I was taking a showerat my houseand I turned off my water - would he get the water that was intendedfor me?And vice versa.I think about it a lot. What'swrong with me? Erica Adams, Park West,Illinois.

Dear Judd: There'snothing wrong with you. Bulletin boardsstir many emotions.For some people, these boards signify compulsive bureaucratic behavior and anal-compulsive organizational obsessions.For others, they of thecasual, triggerthoughtsof chaosbecause arbitrary and often indiscriminateplacement recommendfixating on of items. Psychologists a particularitem of the boardand viewing the chaos from the perspectiveof this singular item. If the problemcontinues,you may want to try electronic bulletin boards which are available on computer telecommunications networks.

She Falls In Her Sleep Dear A&R: I have a lot of dreams where I feel like I'm falling. Sometimes,I have this feeling just after I lay down on the bed but before I'm asleep. It's not really a dream. It's like a thumbnail sketch kind of a dream in which I'm tripping or falling. I can feel myself jump. My boyfriend says that it scares him. It's happening almost every night. What's wrong with me? Kimberly Chase, Shuttlesberg,Va. Dear Kimberly: There's nothing wrong with you. Many people dream of falling. Scientists have determined that it is a reflexive mechanism which prepares the dreamer for potential slip and fall situations in real life. Several insurance companies are presently using such dream studies to determine a sleep instruction program for lowering personal injury liability. If necessary, wear padded pajamas and avoid sleeping near the edge of the bed.


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Dear Erica: There'snothing wrong with you. Many peoplewonder about the circulation of community water supplies. However, for socialand personalreasonsyou should avoid fantasizingabout celebritiesand their water usage.If your fantasypersists- try showering out of town for extendedweekends.

He Worries in Elevators Dear A&R: WheneverI am on an elevator I look around at the people and think that if there wasa disaster- we would all shareour final momentson earth together.All because we happenedto go to lunch at the sametime or some other random situation. I'm more frightened of being in an elevator accident when other peopleare aroundthen when I am aloneon the elevator.I work on the 25th floor so I can't walk up the stairs. What'swrong with me? SterlingBenson,Fidelus,CA Dear Sterling: There's nothing wrong with you. Remember,however, that just as you resent these intruders on the elevator, they would probablyresentyour presencein a time of catastrophe,too. So you really do have somethingin common with them - mutual resentment. If this fear continues, seek employment on a lower floor, or wear a blindfold when on the elevator.Good luck.




1. lf somebodyspiedon me aroundthe clock, they'd be surprised

2. The reasonl'm in a

mood so much of the time is because

3. The older I get, the bigger my 4. Don't ever spit on my 5. There's so little time and there's so much 6. My favorite pieceof exerciseequipmentis 7. We could have world peaceif only 8. One hobby I've recently discoveredis

9. I will not talk to peoplewho wear 10. Personalhygienewas neveran issuewith me until 11.Don't ask me to sign 12. I've been wrong before, but I really believe

13. I usedto think

was stupid,but

now I understand. t4.

Nothing goes faster at the dinner table than

15. Pleasedraw a self-portrait of yourself in the box. Rememben This survey folds into handy mailer!! Seereverse side for details.

-Re-oder Self-porrrolr

ByI-imirLo@uce For Purposes of PublicHumiliation

April 1991  

McLeaning of America

April 1991  

McLeaning of America