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IHq P.O. Box 22113


December, I

cA 94122 Holidays!



How many psalms can you put on the head of a nicrochip? Donrt look now, but wetre about to be invaded by the hottest theological rnerchandising breakthrough since Gutenberg reprord the New Testament. pint-sized Itrs an army of Bible computers tiny handheld databanks put that will packed the digital word of God at your fingertips. with one rnegabyte of King James, this theological firmware puts a lanp unto thy feet, along with fuII ttkey concordance phrasetl and searches.

Unfortunately, underlying this new era of Biblical accessibility is a sinister and disturbing scheme - a massive merchandising effort to track and record the Bib1e-reading public by means of irnplanted sensory devices. An international (reported conspiracy to include The Rev Sun Moon, Tandy Electronics, and reaL estate interests inside the Catholic Church) is installing electronic pocket Bibles homing devices within to keep tabs on demographics and create interactive communication with the denominationally disenfranchised. This ginnick, similar to LCD rreyesn discovered in low-end digital watches (see ish 31, CTox Vobiscum: The Dawn of ChronoTogicaT Eavesdroppinq) is part of a two-pronged attack

FF,OMth6 Ed.itor DOUBLE SHOT Dubble Duty, the Maryland Licensing Corporation that reaped rnitlions through appliance bundling has achieved staggering sales with its Christmas blockbuster Vac ff' B7o, a combination dustbuster and hair dryer. According to

industry insiders, Dubble expanded its in-house product I i a b i l i t y counsel in anticipation of sales of other Christmas commodities, IIr. Shavafone (electric shaver and cordless phone), and the B&T Gauge (which can read blood pressure

pressure). and tire BYE SOrs Hf K-gOrs What a year! We released our french language edition, Le Conmuniqu6 A&R, and published our self-help best seller, There's Nothing Wrong With You. Our reports on Biblical Sampling and the NIL (National Iconographic Licensing) Program triggered international media attention. Get graphics, ready for more dazzling new features and stimulating contests! o A&R i-9g9

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lot has happenedsinceour last fr >al. holidayletter. A wasfired from her job becauseof alcoholismand had to go into a program. In July, sheopeneda CINNABON@ franchisedowntown with somepeoplefrom her detoxgroup. Everybodylovesthosehot cinnamonrolls. ^t

A&R quit their low impactaerobociseclass aftergettingliposuctionand a computer makeover.A&R alsoquit Smokenders@. R studieddesktopgardeningandfinishedthe "Maverick" sectionof his JamesGarner thesis. R lost a lot of moneyin a condominium syndicateand a nursinghomelimited partnership.A won a NationalEnquirer Contest("Largest SpatulaCollection") and R got interviewed by the Star after giving the Heimlich maneuverto DeltaBurke at Stars. A&R got matchingSantahatsand madea New YearsResolutionto recycletheir dental floss.






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rearize t-hat many@ guilty spending money. Is there any way I can stop my Yuletide peeping? I feel like a pervert. me? Ron B. Whatrs wrong with ltichigan. Borden, Lansing,


Dear A&Rs This always happens to me. Irm on an elevator headed to the ground floor and somebody gets on at a different floor. They press the ground floor button even though itrs already lit. Why do they do that? The same ground on the thing happens push the Up button. floor. I Somebody comes along and pushes again. When the elevator it do they think that arrives, responsible because theyrre pushed the button last? they like screaming. That I feel might scare a lot of people out Whatrs wrong of button-pushing. with rne? L. A. Vador, L.A.

Therers nothing wrong with you. on A lot of people are turned by watching Christmas shoppers. call this Psychiatrists Seasonal condition Inverse see to Emporius - a longing of others in the consummation relationship. It a mercantile hundreds is believed to strike of thousands of consumers, many of whom are unable to complete own shopping. Try their trwatchingrr your to Iiniting weekends. Merry Christmas.

Dear Ir.A. 3

Dear A&R:

Therets nothing wrong with you. press People who buttons are confused and unnecessarily troubled individuals. The same people usually press the Close unaware that it Door button, attached to anything isntt just a placebo for button itts pushers. In reality, these people should be using the your For own stairs. you may want to well-bel-ng, consider carrying elevator cards which address etiquette these and s j-milar problems.

I quit ny job and I sit at home about one thing - If thinking you see your whole life in the you die, how do moment before yourre you what know that seeing right now is your 1ife, before and not just the replay I think death? Thatrs all Whatts wrong with me? about. !,lary Merll, Hopkins Creek, N.D.



Dear A&Rs When Christmas comes, I love to watch people shop. It turns me on to be in a crorarded store, lots of people spend watching I even like when money. it grouchy. people are occasionally, I get sad when I

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Dear Ron B.:



Dear Uarys Therets nothing wrong with you. time As we explained the last you asked this question, it on often helps to concentrate one question, ds long as it to injury to doesnrt lead yourself or others. WITATIg WRONGWITH YOU? you f eel like something's -If you, write to The wrong with A & R R e p o r t , P . O . B o x 2 2 L L 3| S.F. CA 94L22. Sunset Station,


December 1989