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REPOR

P. O. B.cx 22113 April,

TOFTEN IrV SRROR - NEVER IN DOUBTi

cA 94122

ppy Apr1l Fools & Easter!

1988

DE-EVOLUTIONOF THE FOURWHEELDREAI{ ON WHEELS:THE CONSUMPTIVE THE WALKMAN Tired of your cramped apartment with the smalL windows and congested urban atmospher6? Hey, irfty n-ot climb into your new cramped automobile with the s ma] 1 w i n d o w s a n a fru stte o u t o n to one of Am er ica' s congested fr eeway s ? Sur e b i g ger than a donut and the headr oom is des i gned th e t i r e s a r e o n l y sl i g h tl y g fa n d -pr oblems but helt, it r olls and its got a f or p e o p l e w i t h p i tu i ti ry g reat s o u n d s yste m. F o r a g e n e r a t i o n ra i se d o n T o n ka toys, today' s 4- wheel m iniatur es contain er s ar e These r olling d emo n s t r a t e t h e u l -ti ma te j -n w i sh tulf ittment. "c u t e ' r a n d "s po rty" a n d th e y're alm ost as much fun as bum per car s. U nder the solution, consum ption pro vi d i n g fueL u s w i th a t he g u i s e o f i nt ein a t i o n a l - - co n su me i ca rte l s have sol- d us on a line of ever - shr ink i ng disposable vehicles that ilLusively condition us to accept our final des t in y - h o m o sa p i e n s sh o ve d i nto tiny m oving m etal cans. N o t co i n c i d e n t a l l -y, d s o u r ca rs becom e sm aller , the sound systems for thes e W hy? Because the sam e far easter n v ehic l e s b e c o m e b i g g e r a n d b e tter . Continued

on Page 4

FROM th6 Editor CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUSMIND DEPT.

-

BetteT

you should hear it from us than from our Yes, it is true! enemies. We have received over $3 r 000 in cash from far eastern consumer forces (channeled through a major electronics American newsweekly) and over $4,000 in cash entertainment congloms (funneled through a major Amerj-can from international of We do not make this announcement because we are afraid music monthly). t h e f r o m r e s u l t humiliation the potential and embarrassment that will such under the perceived conflict without To the contrary, of interest. and table payoffs we could not afford to remaj-n as free spirited t h e a v e r a g e bedeviled in our pursuit of those who victimize over-the-edge " t o w w i th these l i n e " t h e conned-sumer. Unfortunately, our faj-lure to sponsorship. f u t u r e p a t r o n s o f c h a n c e m e g a g l o m l o s t u s a n y buck-driven has " f o r p r o f i t " v e n ture (see a i s f o r t h i s r e a s o n t h a t w e m u s t n o w b e c o m e It If contribution. attached subscription information) and seek your direct your financial prohibits condition making the required payment, wâ‚Ź are capitalist forced to bid adieu and wish you l-uck in today's hard-bitten y o u y o u W e l-oved while we knew ed. society. (c) A&R 1-988

3/ 8 8


ELVIS

letterz... ,-. D.or ftcR, the bi56er!!re heoda.he, lne biggerlhe 'P'lI.

6+ ;;?

Dok*o,.Avalqn'he }}amburq

gie, e Dear AF Vou hear 6o"tn

vlt€t \rov\d' vou lei y)iq lznour? fianlal' a lot.

5ieue t+1

wn AddreEl Unlano

ad/vice...

TET{YEARSON IT'SA DREAIACO'IAETRUE A I'IUSTK'R EVERY EIVISFAN Thlr omo:ing ors'tia clqrtk hos lhe pick ot lhc lod lon ycn' hlt: - rung in hb m unbrgcnoblc style. Thos qro fhc rmgr Elvi: might luve rur€ Including two crciting rw iroclr. A IAOVING NIEUIE TO THE KING .EVls - DG SONet ]G mtctfl HAYE SUIW' would mkc o lrmrurad oddilion to ony collcaion ond firluror tho mu:iol gmiur of Qren, Springst cn, Diro Stroitt, Slovlc Wm&r ond olhcrc. Scnd iurt tlO chcct or rcmy ordcr {p*h ircl) ond your mreond oddrsr io: PHOENIX 40 COTSWOI.D RD., BEIHONT SURREYSA^2SNW ENGIAND Allw 28 dcyc fu doliy.ry, (mmybock gwonlae)

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j Now Reb-eceais finding I ' comfort in the arms of her ' 1 ex-husband,actor Ray Shar- |' I key, who played mob boss Steelgraveon the TV I 1Sonny "Wiseguy." I series "Ray has askedRebeccato , I I take him back." added the '

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you reprint your recipe for cheese i | -CA-N fudge?My "helpers,'managedto lose r my copy. - F. L., poughkeepsie,N. y. ] DEAR F. L.: You need I lb. each of I margarine and cubed or shreddedpro_ I cessedAmerican or Cheddar cheesle,f I

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a d d ict i o n a r e n o w sp re a d i n g th a t m adness to the tr anspor tation m ark et. W e are o n t h e v erg e o f th e mo st p henomenal mer chandising cr ossover ev er at t em p t e d i n w o rl d ma rke ti n g - the cr oss pollination of the per son al s ter eo system with the automobile. Why carry youi Walkman? Why not let your Walkman carry you? Th is d e - e v o l u ti o n o f th e mo to r vehicLe has occur r ed r apidly dur ing the pas t 10 y e a r s . T h e i l l u si o n o f a fu el shor tage com bined wiln a baby- b5o m gui tt a b o u t e n v i r o n m e n ta l d a ma g e cre a ted a vast mar ket for smaller fiel- effl c i ent vehicles._ By shrinking America's mechanical bride, the auto industry e f f e c t j - v e I y e vj -cte d th e I'th i rd passenger ". W hat used to be the bac k 3eat i n automobiles has become a stumplike stiucture into which only headless and I e g le s s c r e a t ure s ma y b e stu ffe d and r em oved. Th e w r o n g f u l evi cti o n o f th e b ackseat dr iver dovetaj- ls with the soci ol ogi c al b re a k d o w n o f th e n u cl e a r fa mi l y. The moder n family unit only r equi r es tw o s eat s o f a n a u to mo b i l e , u n l e ss of cour se Dad needs a r ide hor te on ni s v j-s ita t i o n w ee ke n d . A n d i f th e re is a "Baby on Boar dr f, then just str ap J unio r i n a c ar se a t i n th e b a ck. Once his legs ar e iong en5ugh, he Lan get his o w n $ 5 0 0 0-Y u g o a n d ta i r a l o ng behind Mom aid pop. By removing the backseat and conforming the appearance of modern a u t o m o b i l e s , H o n d a , T o yo ta a n d Datsun have don6 to car s what Br C di d to light e r s a n d ra zo rs sta n d a rd i z ed their appear ance and encour aged thei r d ls po s a b i l i t y . _ T h e se p e rky 1 i ' L vehicles ile alr eady available in des i gner c o lor s a n d w i ll so o n b e a r th e l i censed endor sements of both car toon c h a ra c t e r s a n d b i g n a me d e si g n e rs ( For d is r eadying a "Gar field or a nge" Es c o r t f o r 1 9 8 9 a n d a n Y ve s S t. Laur ent inter ioi witf appear in the fs uz u Parisian next spring). Finall y , h a v i n g p e rfe cte d a me ans of r epr oducing sound within vehic l es , the c a r co n g l o m s emp h a si -zeth i s a u dio power as a m eins of r egaining the i l i us i on o f pe r s o n a l c o n tro l . U n a b l e to contr ol our living envir onm ent we retr eat to t hes e r o l l i n g Wa l kme n a n d tra ve l ing boomboxes. r [ is within the co nfi nes of t hes e g e a r d r i ve n _ ve l o u r-p a d d e d isolation tanks that we enjoy the "fr eedom " t o h e a r o u r "C a re l e ss_ Wh i sp e r" cassette at maximumvolum e. 6r , if w e w i s h, it s th e "f r e e d o m'r to b l a st E xp ose' over the ear - num bing subwoofer s in our F o rd Es c o r t T h e re i s l i t t l e h o p e to re ve rse this tr end. Far Easter n consum er e lec t r o n i c s me g a -co mp a n i e s l o n g ago r ealized that the W alkman was onl y the firs t s t e p i n - co n tro l l i n g th e -onium ptively addictive wester n per so nai i ty . By c r o s s - b r e e di n g i n d i vi d u a l i ze d m usic r epioduction equipment ivitn m otor vehic l e s a n d ma ki n g th e e n d re sulL a disposable standar dized devj- ce w e ar e h e a d i n g t o a co n su me r me rch a n d i se vor tex- . So don' t fr et if the br ak es l oc k o r t h e m e c h a ni c fo rg o t to i n sta l l passive safety r estr alnts in your new D o d g e C o l t Vi sta - _ j u st j a ck u p the voLume on your r ear mounted CD pl ay er a nd s e t o f f i n ra n d o m sh u ffl e b f"y.

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3.88


REPOR

,OFTENITV ERROR- NEVERIN DOUBT,

P . O . B . c x 2 2 1 13

s.F. cA 94122

ANNUALA&R REPORTREADERSHIPSURVEY W e need t o F riend s , R o m an s, C o u n tryme n , l e nd us your cer ebr al cor tex. k now w h a t r s i n si d e yo u r h e a d s th ese days because without that input we canrt shape the necessary output. Please fill out the annual readership survey so we can fi-gure out where to seat you at our upc omi n g 1 0 t h a n n i ve rsa ry b a n q u et. 1.

h as gotten bigger in the Last 12 months

O n e p a r t o f my b o d y th a t is

2.

T h e thing

3.

I can't

4.

One thing

5.

The most important

rule

6.

Peop1edon't think

Irm spiritual

7.

Capital

8.

D o n ' t a s k me a b o u t

9.

I used to like

10.

a b o u t se x th a t

understand

sti1l

why I never

I sure was right

bugs m e is

rece j-ved

about was

of hygiene is

but

punishment is okay for

like

to

after

work.

Now, I

to

One reason Irm glad

I gave up drugs/aIcohol

is

that

just


out of a coffee cuP.

1L.

I could never drink

t2.

Of al-l- the

13.

People laughed when I bought

t4.

The older

15.

The world may be hell,

chil,dren

I get,

of

the one I wouLd l-ike to'@@'is

stars,

the more I

it,

but

look

like

but at

least

I

stiIl

there's

love

my

sti1l

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT BUY OT BYE! Rising circulation, Free speech doesnrt mean a free rj-de! postage costs and an incredible desire for money has increasing foreed us to end no-cost subseriotions to the A&R ReporL. For $12 - This is

what you get:

10 issues of the A&R Report mailed to the address of your choice conmemorative stamp. envelope with a colorful in a business-like j . s s u e s consumer analysis, include our pointed mind-cracking These such as rrNew & witty criticisms, new and improved features Improved", Hot and Happenin' charts and the inside poop on the outside world. S U B S C R I P T I O N BLANK YES, IILL

P A Y THE PRICE:

ENCLOSED IS

MY CHECK FOR fit2l

NAME

ADDRESS

3.&{p

April 1988  

Walkman on Wheels, Iggy Pop Rock Dream, new & Improved Body Glove west suit, Academy Award Winners minus tawny Kitaen

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