YOU GET FIRED. Your best friend…
A. immediately empathizes with you, taking your side while doing his personal best to help rebuild your confidence. Almost instantly, your friend gets word out to his own work network that you’re a great hire and are available immediately, doing his very best to turn a bad situation into a careerdefining fresh start for you. SCORE 10 POINTS B. blames a hidden conspiracy “out to get you” and pushes for instant litigation, harassing you into taking a meeting you don’t want with a skeevy lawyer you’d never hire. She threatens war with the company via its Facebook account and even sets up a Change.org petition to get you hired back. SCORE 20 POINTS BONUS: If your friend later asks permission to send your ex-boss his own resume due to his own employment dry-spell, SCORE ANOTHER 10 POINTS.
YOUR DOCTOR CALLS WITH BAD NEWS. Your best friend…
“She tells you to stalk his dumping derriere if you have to but make sure he realizes what a huge mistake he made by leaving you. Make the jerk pay!” SITUATION #5
YOU FACE A SPIRITUAL CRISIS. Your best friend…
A. listens patiently as you confess your deepest fears about life and death, and what your ultimate role is or was perhaps meant to be. She offers personal insight into her own spiritual journey and how she has dealt with it over the years, admitting that even now she doesn’t always have all the answers. SCORE 10 POINTS B. erupts with joy that you have finally admitted to your single greatest weakness. She then immediately books you an appointment with her own spiritual guide to get you on “the” path to happiness. SCORE 20 POINTS
A. takes the somber occasion of your own life-changing diagnosis as a reason to revisit her own health issues in even greater detail. For some reason, she seems to interpret “empathy” as playing a grand game of “My disease was kind of like your disease, but actually worse…” SCORE 20 POINTS
BONUS: If she says anything along the lines of “Now some people have referred to this as a cult but nothing could be farther from the truth…” SCORE ANOTHER 15 POINTS.
B. drops everything, determined to come quickly to your side. She listens, without judgment, as you bear your new health reality, offering whatever help she can until you begin feeling strong enough to confront the challenges presented. SCORE 10 POINTS
YOUR KID GOT ARRESTED. Your best friend…
A. recognizes that even as you are attempting to face the harsh realities of the situation at hand, you are also struggling with self-doubt as to your parenting abilities and what role your own personal issues may have played in this trouble. He offers support in whatever way he can – even if it’s nothing more than standing up for you and your family to friends. SCORE 10 POINTS B. immediately cuts loose with a chorus of “He was always trouble” and “Don’t blame yourself – he was rotten to the core all along.” Then he inserts recommendations of tough love alongside decidedly unveiled suggestions about the sort of pre-emptive parenting you clearly were not doing. The only offer of tangible assistance is limited to seeing if the arrest is serious enough to attract the attention of either Judge Judy or Dr. Drew. SCORE 25 POINTS
YOU NEED MONEY – FAST! Your best friend… A. expresses surprise at the desperate nature of your request, even as he offers to help as much as possible. Still, he appears far more concerned with ensuring you are able to separate from whatever circumstance has brought you into such a dire situation than the need for the actual money itself. SCORE 10 POINTS B. pops out a laundry list of items he’d be more than happy to take off your hands at 10 or 20 cents on the dollar “just to help out,” even as he suggests other wild alternatives like blood, sperm, or even organ sales. SCORE 25 POINTS. BONUS: If he offers to help plan and/or execute a heist of any kind, SCORE ANOTHER 50 POINTS B
SCORING KEY 50-80 Positive Influence
85-170 Negative Influence
175+ GRO* *Get Restraining Order – NOW!
March/April 2015 | BELLANYC.COM 119
Published on Feb 19, 2015