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LAUGHING MATTERS
www.BeaconSeniorNews.com
LAUGHING MATTERS NASA’s problem
have been a very avid fisherman.”
Submitted by Bob Breazeale
“Oh, he still is,” remarked one of the mourners. “As a matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero-gravity. They managed to solve the problem after a decade and millions of dollars. They developed a pen that not only writes in zero-gravity, but upside down, on almost any surface, including glass, and at temperatures ranging from below zero to 300 degrees Fahrenheit. The Russians had the same problem, but they solved it in about five minutes for a nickel. They used a pencil. Don’t you just love to see your tax dollars at work?
The funeral Submitted by Karen Jones
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it. A passerby remarked, “That guy must
Fire trucks Submitted by Lewis Armbrust
Several elementary school children were at recess when they started talking about why there is a dog on every fire truck. One boy said, “The dog’s there to keep the firefighters company.” Another boy said, “The dog helps the firefighters rescue people.”
Bungee jumping Submitted by Bob Breazeale
Over the holidays some college kids decided to go to Mexico to do some bungee jumping. They found the perfect spot, a bridge high over a dry riverbed. They got their equipment ready, measured the distance and got everything hooked up. The first guy got into the harness and jumped off. Everything was going fine until they heard screaming and yelling. They quickly pulled the guy up. He was all scratched and bruised and bloody. They asked, “What happened? Was our measurement wrong?” The guy replied, “The measurement was perfect. The problem was there were some kids with sticks yelling, ‘Piñata! Piñata!’”
MARCH 2017
Black bear and Grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf gloves and sunglasses in them, and smell like pepper spray.
The Senility Prayer Submitted by Dexter Walton
“No,” one little girl interjected, “The dog is there to find the fire hydrants.”
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Be on the lookout
Now look what you did
Submitted by Alan Kipling
Submitted by Sheri Moore
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8-year-old first. The older boy would see the preacher in the afternoon.
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife has advised golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on golf courses this spring. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert the bears, but not to startle them unexpectedly. They also advise golfers to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.
Two brothers, ages 8 and 10, were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.
Thank You Grand Junction!
Cappella of Grand Junction Opens Summer 2017 We’re honored to provide Assisted Living &
Memory Support for senior adults in Grand Junction.
At Cappella, you’ll find a vibrant community where relationships are celebrated, ideas are ignited and possibilities are embraced. Everything here – from the architecture to the amenities to our person-directed philosophy of care and support – is focused on creating a true community where people grow and thrive. We’re adding harmony to life at Cappella. And we invite you to join in our song.
Together Life Sings
Visit CappellaGrandJunction.com or call us at 970.847.5444 Cappella of Grand Junction, 628 26 ½ Road, Grand Junction, CO 81506