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40,000+

Denver Metro Area Readers Weekly

Denver Metro Area August 24, 2009

Issue #1101

Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC

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TIDBITS® HONORS MICHAEL JACKSON

ALL HAIL THE KING by Sarah Bates

The world took pause when Michael Jackson passed away on June 25 this year and recognized the loss of an incredible talent. This week, Tidbits celebrates the life of the one and only King of Pop. • Michael Joseph Jackson was born on August 29, 1958 in Gary, Indiana, to Katherine and Joe Jackson. He was the seventh of nine children and had three sisters, Rebbie, LaToya and Janet, and five brothers, Jackie, Tito, Jermaine, Marlon and Randy. • The elder Jackson boys started singing together in about 1962 with father Joe, a former musician, as manager. Originally, the group was made up of Jackie, Tito and Jermaine along with two cousins, Johnny and Ronnie. Marlon and Michael, who was known for his ability to mimic the likes of James Brown and other well known entertainers, joined the group and the Jackson 5 was formed in 1964 when Michael was six years old. They were originally called Ripples & Waves Plus Michael. • Joe Jackson managed the Jackson 5 in their early years, travelling with them and signing them up for talent shows and various gigs. It was in 1967 that the group won an amateur night at Harlem’s Apollo Theatre. It was here that they first caught the attention of Gladys Knight. It is said that Knight, not Diana Ross, was the one who first recommended the group to Berry Gordy and Motown Records.

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• Thriller is certified 28x Platinum in the United States and currently holds the record for best selling album of all time worldwide, having sold over 109 million copies since its release.

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www.FightYourDebt.net • Jackson took home a total of eight Grammy Awards in 1984 for his Thriller album, John Cimino, Attorney a record for one night and shared only 303-830-7274 with Santana. He also received his first Guinness World Record, “The Best Selling ognized the name though - he was credited ALL HAIL THE KING (continued) Album of All Time,” for Thriller that same as John Jay Smith as part of an elaborate year. Did you know that Michael Jackson • The Jackson 5 auditioned for Berry Gordy joke on his brothers. Matt Groening went has received a total of thirteen Guinness in July of 1968 and Gordy, along with the on to reveal the truth in a 2003 collector’s World Records? rest of Motown Records, knew they had DVD. found something special in little Michael • 1985’s “We Are The World” was written • As of the end of the day on July 7, 2009 Jackson. Many recall his ability to sing by Michael Jackson and Lionel Ritchie. It the day of his memorial - Michael Jackson with a soul was also produced by Quincy Jones. Both music held every spot in the Top Ten on and depth Jackson and Ritchie sang on the single Billboard’s Pop Catalog chart. Michael’s well beyond along with many other well-known artists. solo albums held spots 1-6 and 8-10, with his years The song raised over $60 million dollars the Jackson 5 in spot 7. Number Ones was and Smokey for famine relief in African countries. number one on the chart, and had been Robinson • 1985 also brought Jackson the acquisition in the Top 100 for 116 weeks, followed by later joked of The Beatles’ catalogue along with many Thriller, which had been in the top 100 for about havothers. After purchasing the catalogue, he 262 weeks - that’s over five years! ing wanted notably attempted to give Little Richard • Jackson sold 656,000 physical albums, to see Miback his music because of Richard’s influ144,000 digital albums and over 4.8 milchael’s birth ence on Jackson in his lifetime. The deal lion digital songs from June 25 - July 7, certificate upon first hearing him sing. He wasn’t completed because of legal issues, 2009 - and the number just keeps rising. couldn’t imagine such a sincere and heartbut Little Richard was said to be touched felt voice coming out of a boy so young, In Memory of Michael Jackson and impressed by the gesture. singing about heartbreak as if he’d experiAugust 29, 1958 - June 25, 2009 • Jackson’s next two albums both debuted at enced it first hand. number one and were followed by a slew • The Jackson 5 signed with Motown reof hit singles. He made Billboard Hot 100 If only Your House was Self cords with ten year old Michael as their record history when his single “You Are Cleaning... new lead. They released their first single, Not Alone” entered the charts at number “I Want You Back” on October 7, 1969, one, becoming the first single to do so. and were an instant success. With the reResidential Cleaning Service Can Help! lease or their first ballad, “I’ll Be There,” • Michael Jackson held a patent for his antigravity lean, seen in the video for “Smooth they made Motown history. The song soon • FREE Estimates! Criminal” and many of his concerts. The became the best-selling single in the his• Integrity, Quality, Detail & lean is accomplished by special shoes tory of recording label at that time. All of Experience - Since 1984! Just Details worn by the dancer. The heel can be their first four singles hit number one in When “OK” • Fully Insured hooked into the floor of the stage, allowing 1970, which was a first. They made pop Just isn’t • Windows, gutters, carpets the wearer to lean past his or her center of history as the first group to have all four of and more! enough! gravity. their first singles hit number one. • 10% off your first clean with • You might have heard somewhere that Mischeduled service • Michael released his first single in 1971 but chael Jackson was a fan of The Simpsons, it was a year before he released a single Call TODAY and SAVE! but did you know he actually made a camRudy (303) 549-7944 or go online: that hit number one. He released “Ben” in eo on the show? You might not have recwww.JustDetailsCleaningService.com 1972, for which he earned an Oscar nod. Since 1989

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• Michael first met composer/producer Quincy Jones on the set of “The Wiz” in 1977. Jones went on to produce Michael’s first solo album, Off The Wall, since leaving Motown for Epic Records. Jackson had four Top Ten singles with the album, which is certified 7x Platinum, having sold over 20 million copies. • Quincy Jones also produced Jackson’s next album, the most recognizable and best selling of all his albums, Thriller (1982). As the second single from the album, “Billie Jean” alone won two Grammy Awards and it’s accompanying video was the first video by a black artist to be aired on MTV.

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August 24, 2009

Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

Page 3

Your Home is Beautiful! Driveways - Patios - Retaining Walls

1. MYTHOLOGY: In Norse mythology, what is the name of the mischievous god who likes to play tricks on the other deities? 2. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the island nation of Nauru located? 3. CHEMISTRY: What is the symbol for the element sulfur? 4. TRANSPORTATION: What is the name of France’s high-speed rail service? 5. LITERATURE: Who wrote the satirical Hollywood-based novel “The Day of the Locust”? 6. GEOLOGY: What kind of rock is marble? 7. ART: What outdoor school of painting was led by artists such as Rousseau, Corot, Millet and Daubigny? 8. MOVIES: Which U.S. state was the setting for the 1971 film “The Last Picture Show”? 9. TELEVISION: What is the real name of the presiding judge in the show “Judge Judy”? 10. PSYCHOLOGY: What is the condition known as pedophobia? Answers 1. Loki 2. South Pacific Ocean 3. S 4. TGV or train ˆ grande vitesse 5. Nathanael West 6. Metamorphic 7. Barbizon School 8. Texas 9. Judith Sheindlin 10. A fear of children (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

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• On Aug. 16, 1896, while salmon fishing near the Klondike River in Canada’s Yukon Territory, George Carmack reportedly spots nuggets of gold in a creek bed, sparking the last great gold rush in the American West. “Klondike Fever” reached its height in the United States in midJuly 1897, when two steamships from the Yukon arrived in San Francisco and Seattle, bringing more than two tons of gold. • On Aug. 14, 1912, the first doubledecker bus appeared on the streets of New York, traveling up and down Broadway. The double-decker originated in London as a two-story, horse-drawn bus. • On Aug. 11, 1934, a group of federal prisoners classified as “most dangerous” arrives at Alcatraz Island, a 22-acre rocky outcrop 1 1/2 miles offshore in San Francisco Bay. The convicts were the first civilian prisoners to be housed in the new high-security penitentiary. • On Aug. 13, 1942, Walt Disney’s classic film “Bambi” premieres at Radio City Music Hall in New York City. The company had released its first feature-length animated film, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” in 1937. • On Aug. 12, 1953, less than one year after the United States tested its first hydrogen bomb, the Soviet Union detonates a 400-kiloton “Layer Cake” bomb fueled by uranium and lithium deuteride, a hydrogen isotope. The explosive power was 30 times that of the U.S. atomic bomb dropped on Hiroshima, Japan, during World War II, and the mushroom cloud it produced reached 5 miles into the sky. • On Aug. 15, 1961, two days after sealing off free passage between East and West Berlin with barbed wire, East German authorities begin building a wall --the Berlin Wall -to permanently close off access to the West. The city would remain divided until Nov. 9, 1989. • On Aug. 10, 1993, a rare collision of three ships in Tampa Bay, Florida, results in a spill of 336,000 gallons of fuel oil. The incident marked the first use of a computerized trajectory model to track an oil spill using data on wind, weather and the movement of tides to determine the extent of a spill. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.


Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

Page 4

August 24, 2009

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FOR WEEK OF AUGUST 24, 2009

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Dealing with a difficult person can be the kind of challenge you Aries Lambs love. Or it could be an energy-draining exercise in futility. Be certain your goals are worth your efforts. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) The Divine Bovine might be seeing red at having your crisis-resolution efforts overlooked. But others know the truth, and they can be expected to step forward when the time comes. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) You should be well on your way to finally making that important decision. Having the support of loved ones will help when crunch time comes. Keep a positive attitude. CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Feeling uneasy about a move might not mean you’re having a case of Cancerian wavering. It could be your inner sense is warning you to reassess your situation before taking action. LEO (July 23 to August 22) Your pride could get in the way of admitting you might have erred. Best to ‘fess up now before a small mistake turns into a big misunderstanding. Make the weekend a special family time. VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Trying to please someone with a less-thanglowing opinion of something you value could be a waste of time. If you like it, stay with it. The week’s end brings an answer to an old mystery. LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) There might be time to make a change. But be honest with yourself: Is it what you really want, or one you feel pressured into making? Your answer should determine your next move. SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) Change is dominant, but so is caution: Proceed carefully, checking each step along the way to avoid encountering any unwelcome surprises that might be lurking along your path. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) It could be a mistake to rely on someone to keep his or her promise without checking out previous performances. What you learn now could save you from a painful lesson later. CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Taking a strong stand on an issue you feel is too important to ignore could inspire others to follow suit. The weekend is a good time to socialize with old friends and make new ones. AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) Your sensitive nature gives you an insight into the problems of someone close to you. Your offer of support could be just what this person needs to start turning his or her life around. PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Financial matters continue to need even more careful analysis than usual. Use caution with investment possibilities. A personal relationship might take an unexpected turn by the week’s end. BORN THIS WEEK: You appreciate the wonders of the world and enjoy sharing your delight with others. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

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Medical Bill Errors Are Worth Fighting

It’s thought that 8 out of 10 hospital bills contain errors. And it can be worth your while to find them, especially when your insurance company won’t pay. To get started, you’ll need to ask for: • an itemized copy of your hospital bill, • a copy of your doctor’s standing orders (you’ll learn what you really were supposed to get for medication and procedures), • a copy of the anesthesiologist’s records if you had surgery. You’ll need to understand the billing codes, typically a five-digit number for each billed item. Finding them online one at a time is your best bet. Put the code in a search engine along with “medical billing code” and you’ll find sites that give you an explanation. Check for duplications and outright mistakes. For example, you might be charged for: --procedures you didn’t have or medications you didn’t get. --brand-name medications instead of generic that was ordered by your doctor. --too much surgery time in the operating room. The anesthesiologist’s records need to match the bill. --a private room when you had a semiprivate room. --”bundled” costs (when all parts of a procedure are lumped together under one category) and then you’re charged again for each item individually. If your insurance company has denied parts of your claims, it could be due to coding errors. For example, if you went in to have a baby and were also charged for having your tonsils out, the mistake is obvious once you find it. The insurance company, however, will just reject the claim outright. If you’re well enough, keep a hospital diary during your stay. Keep tabs on which procedures you have and what medications you’re given and when. Later you can compare those to the doctor’s standing orders. If your medical bills are especially complicated, you might need to hire an advocate to hunt for errors. If so, your state’s insurance department or consumer advocate should be your first step in selecting one. There’s another reason besides the cost to you to unearth errors in your medical bills: If you have a lifetime cap on your benefits, errors can whittle away at those benefits. David Uffington regrets that he cannot personally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to columnreply@gmail.com. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.


Events

MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metrowide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details. 3rd Annual Jazz Festival: August 28, 2009; Town Hall ARts Center, Littleton. The Littleton Jazz Foundation presents the 3rd Annual Jazz Festival 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm. If you like the tradition of jazz music presented by Basie, Ellington, and Brubeck, this concert is for you. Four top shelf jazz groups from the Denver area, including Purnell Stenn and Le Jazz Machine; the Ellyn Rucker Quartet, featuring saxophonist Rich Chiarluce; the Keith Oxman Quartet; and the Metropolitan Jazz Orchestra, an 18 piece big band. Tickets - $25 general admission and $20 seniors and students. To order call (303) 794-2787 or go online to www.TownHallArtsCenter.com Life Changing Creation/Evolution Seminar: August 29, 2009; CHolly Cross Lutheran Church, Corner of Foothills Canyon Pkwy across from the West Rec. Center in Highlands Ranch. FREE WILL DONATION. Saturday August 29th; 9 am - 12 pm Refreshments served. Bring the kids! Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE www.EstesParkcvb.com 33rd Annual Colorado Balloon Classic: September 5, 2009 September 7, 2009; Memorial Park, Manitou Springs. More than 100 balloons will be launched and the largest and oldest hot air balloon festival in Colorado, held in Colorado Springs. Entertainment and Concessions will be available at this FREE event. www.BalloonClassic.com 31st Annual Aspen Filmfest: September 30, 2009 - October 4, 2009; Wheeler Opera House, Aspen. With its roster of independent films from all over the world, Filmfest offers an unparalleled opportunity to see the latest films from up-and-coming directors and actors who push the boundaries of movie making. In addition to new features and documentaries, Filmfest hosts premieres from wellloved filmmakers, special events, family films, and tributes like the Independent by Nature Award, which commemorates distinguished artists through on-stage interviews and career retrospectives. For Ticket and Show information go to www.AspenFilm.org 2009 Annual Pumpkin Festival: October 10, 2009 - October 11, 2009; Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield, Littleton. 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $5 Adults, $4 Member, $2 Child, $2 Member Child - ANY CHILD IN COSTUME = FREE. 5 Acre Pumpkin Patch - Crafts, Food and Events. www.BotanicGardens.org To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail Info@TidbitsOfDenver.com as far ahead of the event as possible.

Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

Page 5

Free Events

Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.com Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.org Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm. org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.org Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.org Denver Botanic Gardens - Free days: Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.org Denver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.org Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.org U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov

Sports

Colorado Rockies - MLB • Rockies host Dodgers: Tue Aug 25, 6:40 pm, Wed Aug 26, 6:40 pm, Thu Aug 27, 1:10 pm • Giants host Rockies: Fri Aug 28, 8:15 pm, Sat Aug 29, 7:05 pm, Sun Aug 30 2:05 • Rockies host Mets: Tue Sep 1, 6:40 pm, Wed Sept 2, 6:40 pm, Thu Sep 3, 1:10 pm • Rockies host Diamonbacks: Fri Sep 4, 7:10 pm, Sat Sep 5, 6:10 pm, Sun Sep 6, 1:10 pm • Rockies host Reds: Mon Sep 7, 1:10 pm, Tue Sep 8, 6:40 pm, Wed Sep 9, 6:40 pm, Thu Sep 10, 1:10 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer • Rapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 Colorado Avalanche - NHL • Avalanche host Sharks; Thus Oct 1, 7:30 pm TICKETS ON SALE NOW Denver Broncos - NFL • PRESEASON Broncos at Seattle; Sat Aug 22, 7:30 pm • PRESEASON Broncos host Chicago; Sun Aug 30, 6:00 pm • PRESEASON Broncos host Arizona; Thu Sep 3, 7:00 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League • PRESEASON Mammoth hosts San Jose, Sat Dec 20 7:00 pm

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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

Page 6

Thank You – Thank You – Thank You!!! It’s our BIRTHDAY and we want to Thank YOU – our readers, advertisers, and distributors. Without each of you, we would not be one of the largest Free Weekly newspapers in the State! Tidbits – Denver Metro Area wants to thank all of the business owners by expanding their advertising dollars. Call or email Tidbits – Denver Metro Area this week! Your business will benefit from additional customers in a quality, affordable, positive paper that over 40,000 weekly readers enjoy. Need more incentives to build your business? What about free advertising? Place your order by August 31st and Tidbits will give YOU additional FREE weeks of advertising! What could be ADVERTISING?!

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What about a Birthday Party? EVERYONE is invited!!! It just so happens that our birthday week falls at the same time as the Aurora Business to Business Expo and Business After Hours so we are taking this opportunity to invite everyone to show up at the Expo to help us celebrate.

Dear Tidbits Readers: Tidbits - Denver Metro Area can now place your display or classified ad in over 300 papers across the country! Papers such as: American Classifieds; Penny Saver; Thrifty Nickel; and other Tidbit publications throughout the USA. There is no need to contact each paper individually to place an ad. PRIVATE PARTY ADS - start at $12.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. B U S I N E S S / COMMERCIAL ADS - start at $18.00 per week for the first 20 words and 35 cents for each additional word. Email us at Classifieds@ TidbitsOfDenver.com or call us at (303) 6881987 to place your ad today

What is the Aurora Business to Business Expo? It is one of the premiere annual functions of the Aurora Chamber of Commerce. Hundreds of business owners, general managers, and marketing and purchasing directors convene at the Red Lion at I-225 and Parker Road to meet, mix and mingle. This is more than just a social gathering; there are seminars that can be attended ranging from the importance of advertising and marketing to reviewing and enhancing your resume. If sitting in a seminar is not your “thing”, then come through the main ball room and check out the various booths set up by local businesses; including the Tidbits – Denver Metro Area booth. Enjoy food and drink and meet new, fun and wonderful people.

OCEAN CORP. Houston, Texas. Train for New Career. Underwater Welder, Commercial Diver, NDT/Weld Inspector. Job placement and financial aid for those who qualify, 1-800-321-0298.

EMPLOYMENT

Part Time Sales Help Needed IMMEDIATELY! Work from home. Flexible Hours. Computer skills desired. Call 303-888-0321 or email leti@ ledawebworks. com

$%.6%2-%42/!2%! Chamber of Commerce at (303) 344-1500 to RSVP. Tidbits – Denver Metro Area wants to remind all of our readers to shop our advertisers – they are the ones that keep bringing this fun to read paper to you each week. Remember to tell them “I saw you in Tidbits”! Don’t see your favorite shop in our paper? Tell them to contact us and we’ll help them grow their business. If you’d like to have Tidbits – Denver Metro Area delivered to your email address each week, go to www. TidbitsOfDenver.com and sign up for our weekly electronic distribution.

You don’t have to be a business owner, Our thanks to our fantastic sales and general manager or director to come to distribution teams, readers, distributors and the Expo. If you enjoy networking, getting of course our advertisers! Here’s to making to meet people and finding out about Tidbits – Denver Metro Area, the Neatest businesses in the area, then this is the place Little Paper Ever Read, bigger and better in you want to be this Thursday, August 27, the coming year! 2009. Seminars begin at 2:00 pm and the Respectfully, Trade Show doors open for the showcase and after hours at 5:00 pm. Call the Aurora Bud Brasier and Miriam Zoole – owners/ publishers

Email Classifieds@TidbitsOfDenver.com E D U C AT I O N

August 24, 2009

Call (303) 688-1987

EMPLOYMENT

ADPOTION

LEGAL

TRUCKS

$500 A DAY FROM HOME… rendering a simple and easy service to homeowners and businesses in your area. Great for men or women. Steady, repeat business in good times or bad. Be your own boss! Work your own hours! Free Report Rush your name and address to: Dry Tech Attn: Eric Levine, Promo # CL24732, 8920 Quartz Ave, Northridge CA 91324

ADOPTION: WE CAN GIVE YOUR BABY A WONDERFUL FUTURE! Professional secure couple wishes to adopt your infant. We can help with medical/ living expenses. Completely legal. Call our attorney David Radis 800-637-2882.

DIVORCE ATTORNEY Cheap fees/flat rates. Matthew R. Osborne, PC (303) 759-7018

$500 POLICE Impounds! Cars, Trucks, Suv’s from $500! Hondas, Chevys, Jeeps, Toyotas, etc. For Listings 800-749-8116 ext 9191

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STEEL BUILDINGS: Forced to Liquidate Three, 25x32, 30x54, 45x108 Still Crated / Factory Direct! Free Delivery! Will Sacrifice! 1-800-462-7930 x160

Get your message out quickly and cost effectively. Call (303) 688-1987 or email Classifieds@ TidbitsOfDenver. com

WHERE SINGLES MEET: Listen & Reply to Ads FREE! Straight 303-302-3022 Curious? 303-302-3020 Use FREE Code 7325,18+Call 888-Megamates!

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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

August 24, 2009

Page 7

WEEKLY FUNNIES

By Samantha Weaver • It was American comic-book artist, publisher, writer and editor Bernard Bailey who made the following sage observation: “When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.” • In Alfred Hitchcock’s iconic 1960 film “Psycho,” that creepily realistic-looking blood in the famous shower scene was actually chocolate syrup. • The Q-Tip brand of cotton swab was originally marketed under the name “Baby Gays.” • Do you know anyone who is xanthodontous? If so, you might want to refer them to someone specializing in cosmetic dentistry. “Xanthodontous” means “having yellow teeth.” • You might be surprised to learn that a Boeing 747 jet is longer from wingtip to wingtip than the distance of the Wright Brothers’ first airplane flight. • Evidently, pop star Christina Aguilera is popular in Russia. In 2005, one man wanted her to perform at his wedding so badly that he paid her $2 million to sing just three songs. • Legislators in Michigan thought it necessary at one point to pass a law making it illegal to be drunk on a train. • It may not seem like it in the heat of summer, but October isn’t too far off, so you’d better start making your travel plans now. On Saturday, Oct. 17, you’ll want to be at Peaceful Valley Orchards, a farm in Pittstown, N.J., for the Flying Pumpkin Festival. During this annual event, participants launch pumpkins from a huge catapult, trying for maximum distance and a satisfying splat. • Those who study such things say that the tradition of a bride and groom exchanging wedding rings originated in the Middle East. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

Thought for the Day: “Perfect valor is to behave, without witnesses, as one would act were all the world watching.” -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

OVERWEIGHT? A passenger train is creeping along, Low motivation? Problems Dieting? Are you Tired? slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenAre you ready for a change? ger sees a conductor walking by outside. I Can Help You! “What’s going on?” she yells out the window. “Cow on the track!” replies the conCall CHRIS Today: 1-888-814-5563 Ask about receiving a free wellness evaluation in your home ductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes email: csrhomebiz@yahoo.com its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the Two neighbors had been fighting each window and yells, “What happened? Did other for nigh on four decades. Bob buys we catch up with the cow again?” a Great Dane and teaches it to use the A programmer and an engineer are sit- bathroom in Bill’s yard. For one whole year ting next to each other on a long flight from Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a Los Angeles to New York. The programmer cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in leans over to the engineer and asks if he Bill’s yard. After about a year and a half of would like to play a fun game. The engineer Bob’s cow pooping in Bill’s yard; being igjust wants to take a nap, so he politely de- nored all the while, a semi pulls up in front clines and rolls over to the window to catch of Bill’s house. Bob runs over and demands a few winks. The programmer persists and to know what’s in the 18-wheeler. ‘My new explains that the game is real easy and is a pet elephant,’ Bill replies solemnly. lot of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, As a crowded airliner is about to take off, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy me $5. Then you ask me a question, and who picks that moment to throw a wild temif I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $5.” per tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, Again, the engineer politely declines and embarrassed mother does to try to calm tries to get to sleep. The programmer, now him down, the boy continues to scream fusomewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t riously and kick the seats around him. Sudknow the answer you pay me $5, and if I denly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!” man in the uniform of an Air Force General This catches the engineer’s attention, and is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. he sees no end to this torment unless he Stopping the flustered mother with an upplays, so he agrees to the game. The pro- raised hand, the white-haired, courtly, softgrammer asks the first question. “What’s the spoken General leans down and, motiondistance from the earth to the moon?” The ing toward his chest, whispers something engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into the boy’s ear. Instantly, the boy calms into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and down, gently takes his mother’s hand, and hands it to the programmer. Now, it’s the quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer passengers burst into spontaneous ap“What goes up a hill with three legs, and plause. As the General slowly makes his comes down on four?” The programmer way back to his seat, one of the cabin atlooks up at him with a puzzled look. He tendants touches his sleeve. “Excuse me, takes out his laptop computer and search- General,” she asks quietly, “but could I ask es all of his references. He taps into the Air- you what magic words you used on that litphone with his modem and searches the tle boy?” The old man smiles serenely and net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, gently confides, “I showed him my pilot’s he sends e-mail to his co-workers--all to no wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, avail. After about an hour, he wakes the En- and explained that they entitle me to throw gineer and hands him $100. The engineer one passenger out the plane door on any politely takes the $100 and turns away to flight I choose.” try to get back to sleep. The programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engi- As migration approached, two elderly neer and asks “Well, so what’s the answer?” vultures doubted they could make the trip Without a word, the engineer reaches into south, so they decided to go by airplane. his wallet, hands the programmer $5, and When they checked their baggage, the atturns away to get back to sleep. tendant noticed that they were carrying two dead raccoons. “Do you wish to check the raccoons through as luggage?” she asked. “No, thanks,” replied the vultures. “They’re carrion.”

WEEKLY ANSWERS

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Dumb Friends League 2080 South Quebec St. Call to adopt one of these or any of the other Denver, CO 80231 wonderful pets available (303) 751-5772 for $55 - $115. www.ddfl .org


Page 8

Laugh Lines! Euphemisms For Being Stupid...

• A few clowns short of a circus.

• A few trucks short of a convoy.

Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

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• If brains were dynamite, he wouldn’t have enough to blow his nose. • If brains were gasoline, he couldn’t ride a moped around a fruit loop. • If he had another brain, it would be lonely. • If stupid were a talent, he would be considered gifted. • Like a pair of children’s scissors, bright and colorful, but not too sharp. • Million dollar body and a 2 dollar engine. • Mind is in neutral, body is in gear. • Mind like a rubber bear trap. • Not the sharpest hook in the tackle box. • Not firing with all spark plugs. • On/off switch is stuck in the off position. • One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. • Sharp as a bowling ball. • She couldn’t tell which way an elevator was going if she had two guesses.

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August 24, 2009

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Quips & Quotes

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Profile for Tidbits - Denver Metro Area

Tidbits - Denver Metro Area - Issue #1101  

Issue #1101 - Weekly issue of Tidbits - Denver Metro Area. The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read

Tidbits - Denver Metro Area - Issue #1101  

Issue #1101 - Weekly issue of Tidbits - Denver Metro Area. The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read

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