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Denver Metro Area

Denver Metro Area Readers Weekly

August 3, 2009

Issue #1098

Published by Mountain View Publishing, LLC


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Great American Adventures Week (the first week of August) is for celebrating our country with your own American adventure. The next time you travel, check out some of the places visited and loved by our list of Great American Heroes. • Sojourner Truth was born Isabella Baumfree in 1797 in New York. Isabella, who only spoke Dutch until the age of nine, escaped to freedom in 1826. She changed her name to Sojourner Truth in 1843, believing the Holy Spirit told her to travel and preach the truth. Her most famous speech was “Ain’t I a Woman?” given in 1851 at a Women’s Rights convention in Ohio. She is remembered not only for travelling and preaching, but also as a strong advocate of African American and Women’s Rights. Her grave can be found in Battle Creek, Michigan. • Abraham Lincoln was the 16th US President, as we all well know. But did you know that Lincoln was the first President from the Republican Party? Also, Lincoln was the only President to hold a patent - it was for a device to lift boats over shoals. Lincoln personally invited Frederick Douglass to his inaugural reception in 1865. Douglass had some trouble entering the event, but it is written that when Douglass entered the room with the President, Lincoln said to his friends “Here comes my friend Douglass,” and took his hand. • Clara Barton was born on Christmas Day in 1821 in Oxford, Massachusetts. She was a nurse for the U.S. Army in the Civil War. While on a trip to Europe, Barton became involved with the Red Cross and upon returning she pioneered a branch in America, which was founded on May 21, 1881 in New York. Clara Barton was the President of the American Red Cross for twenty-two years and retired at age eightythree. turn the page for more!

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GREAT AMERICAN HEROES (continued) • Frederick Douglass was born Frederick Augustus Washington Bailey in 1818 in Talbot County, Maryland, but even Douglass was never sure about the actual date of his birth. He chose February 14th as his own birthday because his mother used to call him her “little Valentine.” He changed his name from Bailey to Douglass after escaping slavery in 1838. The name Douglass is a variant of the Scottish Douglas and is thought to derive from the Gaelic for “black-green water.” Douglass is most notably remembered for his work with the abolitionist movement and a CNN article named him “one of the abolition movement’s most effective anti-slavery speakers.” • Samuel Longhorne Clemens was born November 11, 1835 in Florida, Missouri. At age thirteen he left school to become a printer’s apprentice and later became a printer and editorial assistant at his brother Orion’s newspaper. At age seventeen he became a river pilot’s assistant, becoming a licensed river pilot himself in 1858. His pen name, Mark Twain, came from his days on the river. “Mark twain” was a measurement and meant two fathoms, marking the boat clear to pass through that portion of river. Clemens used other pseudonyms, such as “Sieur Louis de Conte” and “Thomas Jefferson Snodgrass.” He is remembered for creating some of American literature’s most loved rascals, Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Did you know that it is rumored that Thomas Edison recorded Twain’s voice on a wax cylinder? • The great Native American Sitting Bull was born around 1831 and given the temporary name of Hoka Psice, which means Jumping Badger. Sioux were given temporary names as children and would later take a name that better represented them as their personalities developed. He was well known for his way of thinking things through before acting and would later be known as Tataka Iyotaka, Sitting Bull, for the rest of his life. Sitting Bull is probably


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best known for his victory over General The Garden Custer at the Battle of Little Bighorn. He Christian Bookstore was a holy man among his people and a Buy - Sell* representative of the strength and wisdom of the Native Americans. He was an avid New - Used - Consign defender of his land and his people. 6801 S Emporia St #107 (Arapahoe S. of Shane Co.) • Rosa Parks was born Rosa Louise McDonations Cauley on February 4, 1913 in Tuskegee, Pick up available (720) 436-0095 Alabama. She dropped out of high school *with approval to care for her ailing mother but later finfriends, so even though we face the difished her education and obtained her dificulties of today and tomorrow, I still have ploma in 1934. She served as Secretary a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the to the Montgomery chapter of the NAACP. American dream. I have a dream that one Rosa Parks was the first woman and secday this nation will rise up and live out the ond African American to be laid in state at true meaning of its creed: ‘We hold these the U.S. capital Rotunda in Washington truths to be self-evident: that all men are D.C. and was named one of TIME’s 100 created equal.’” Most Influential People of the 20th Century. Her refusal to give up her seat on a • Sacagawea was the Shoshone woman bus in Montgomery, Alabama is often rewho became well known for accompanying membered as the start of the Civil Rights the Lewis and Clark Expedition. She had Movement. been kidnapped from her tribe in her youth and later married French trapper Toussaint • Walt Disney was born on December 5, Charbonneau. When Charbonneau was 1901 in Chicago, Illinois. His cartoon hired to accompany the Lewis and Clark “Steamboat Willie” (1928) was the first carexpedition as an interpreter, he was asked toon with synchronized sound and “Flowto bring his wife because she could speak ers and Trees” (1932) was the first cartoon the Shoshone language where Charbonto be produced in color and to win an Osneau could not. While on the trip, Sacacar. He is credited with winning the most gawea gave birth to her son Jean Baptiste. Academy Awards with twenty-two, having It is often noted by historians that merely received one or more Academy Awards the presence of a woman in the travelling every year from 1932 until 1965 except for party often allayed any apprehension of two years. Today, Walt is remembered for other Indian tribes they encountered. Any encouraging the imagination of children of party bringing along a woman and a child all ages. indicated peaceful intentions. On the jour• Martin Luther King, Jr. was born in Atlanta, ney the party encountered a tribe of ShoGeorgia on January 1, 1929. His grandfashone Indians led by Sacagawea’s brother ther was the founder of the Atlanta NAACP. Cameahwait, whom Sacagawea had not King held a Ph.D. in systematic theology. seen since childhood. He was elected president of the Montgomery Improvement Association during the bus boycott of Montgomery. He delivered Driveways - Patios - Retaining Walls his famous “I Have a Dream” speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in 1963 and • All Colors of Cement! he was TIME’s Man of the Year that same • Reasonable Prices year. He was an advocate of nonviolent • No job too large or too small protest and a follower of Gandhian strateCALL TODAY! gies, even once touring India in 1959. He (303) 234-5150 is remembered for his passion and inspiration to all people. “I say to you today, my Claud Cement Company

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303-825-1466 1. ENTERTAINERS: What was the name of Ozzie Osbourne’s band before he went solo? 2. ANIMAL KINGDOM: How many toes does a hippopotamus have? 3. MEASUREMENTS: How many miles are run in a 5K (kilometer) footrace? 4. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the Ionian Sea located? 5. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: How many colleges are housed at Cambridge University? 6. ASTROLOGY: What is the symbol of the Gemini sign? 7. LITERATURE: Who wrote the story “The Murders in the Rue Morgue”? 8. MUSIC: What musical instrument does the sousaphone most resemble? 9. MOVIES: Who said, “Come with me if you want to live!” 10. SCIENCE: What is another word for molten rock in the Earth’s crust Answers 1. Black Sabbath 2. Four on each foot 3. 3.1 miles 4. Between southern Italy and Greece 5. 31 6. The twins 7. Edgar Allan Poe 8. Tuba 9. Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Terminator 2: Judgment Day” 10. Magma (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

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• On Aug. 4, 1753, George Washington, a young Virginia planter, becomes a Master Mason, the highest basic rank in the secret fraternity of Freemasonry. Many other leaders of the American Revolution, including Paul Revere, John Hancock, the Marquis de Lafayette and the Boston Tea Party saboteurs, were also Freemasons. • On Aug. 6, 1932, Richard Hollingshead Jr. first registered his patent for the drive-in movie theater. Hollingshead was awarded the patent in May of the following year, though it was declared invalid in 1950. After the patent was revoked, thousands of drive-ins appeared on the American landscape, reaching a peak of 4,063 in 1958. • On Aug. 9, 1949, Jonathan Kellerman, author of a series of mysteries featuring child psychologist Alex Delaware, is born on the Lower East Side of New York City. In 1985, his first novel, “When the Bough Breaks,” was published. Since then, Kellerman has written more than a dozen novels; he currently has more than 20 million books in print. • On Aug. 3, 1958, the U.S. nuclear submarine Nautilus accomplishes the first undersea voyage to the geographic North Pole. The world’s first nuclear submarine, the Nautilus dived at Point Barrow, Alaska, and traveled nearly 1,000 miles under the Arctic ice cap to reach the top of the world. • On Aug. 5, 1962, movie actress Marilyn Monroe is found dead in her home in Los Angeles. After a brief investigation, Los Angeles police concluded that her death was “caused by a self-administered overdose of sedative drugs and that the mode of death is probable suicide.” • On Aug. 7, 1974, French daredevil Philip Petit walks across a tightrope strung between the twin towers of the World Trade Center in New York City. The stunt caused a massive traffic jam on the streets 1,350 feet below. • On Aug. 8, 1988, the Chicago Cubs host the first night game in the history of Wrigley Field. For 74 seasons, the Cubs had played only day games at home as they had no field lights. The game was called after a downpour in the fourth inning, and the first complete night game took place the following day. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

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August 3, 2009

How to Eat an Elephant

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) Technology snafus tax your patience. But before you throw that computer or other bulky hardware into the trash, take a deep breath and call someone knowledgeable for help. TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) Don’t be too upset if your generosity goes unappreciated. These things happen, and rather than brood over it, move on. A new friend could open up some exciting new possibilities. GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) A loved one helps you get through an especially difficult emotional situation. Spend the weekend immersed in the body and soul restorative powers of music and the other arts. CANCER (June 21 to July 22) You are pretty much in charge of what you want to do this week. However, it might be a good idea to keep an open mind regarding suggestions from people you know you can trust. LEO (July 23 to August 22) Another chance to shine (something always dear to the Lion’s heart) might be resented by others. But you earned it, so enjoy it. The weekend brings news about a family member. VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) A suggestion that never took off could become viable again. Dust it off, update it if necessary, and resubmit it. In your personal life, a new relationship takes an “interesting” turn. LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) Confronting a new challenge to your stated position could work to your advantage by settling all doubts once you’re able to present a solid defense backed up by equally solid facts. SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) You enjoy doing nice things for others. But this is a good time to do something nice for yourself as well. You might want to start by planning a super-special getaway weekend. SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) Some changes you feel you need to make might be reasonable and appropriate. But others might lead to new problems. Think things through carefully before you act. CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) Good instincts usually keep the surefooted Goat on the right path. So, what others might see as stubbornness on your part, in fact reflects your good sense of what is worth supporting. AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) A period of introspection could lead to some surprising conclusions -- and also equally surprising changes -- involving a number of your long-held positions on several issues. PISCES (February 19 to March 20) The financially practical Pisces might want to take a sensible approach to spending as well as investing. Being prudent now pays off later. A romantic situation moves into another phase. BORN THIS WEEK: Your sense of curiosity keeps you continually alert for what’s new about people, places and things. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

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Consumer Advice From Uncle Sam The government provides a wide array of consumer information, and much of the information is either free (by mail or online) or as part of low-cost publications you can purchase. The Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. puts out a quarterly consumer newsletter that’s loaded with information you can use. Best of all, the newsletter is free. The current issue has information on scams involving foreclosure rescue and loan modification, with tips to avoid becoming a victim. There’s an article on financial services that might not be what they claim, the dangers of convenience checks, options for lowering your mortgage payment, and more. To subscribe to the free newsletter, call 1-877-275-3342 to have it mailed to you. If you have a computer, go online to www., and you can read the newsletter there, as well as archived back issues. The Web site itself has much more information than the newsletter, but getting the newsletter is still worthwhile. You also can sign up for an e-mail subscription that will give you fast notice of news and press releases, as well as links to information on the FDIC site. touts itself as “Government Made Easy.” And it is that. The Citizen section of the site has free information for parents, veterans, seniors, teens and kids. You’ll find consumer guides and links to information on air-travel problems and complaints, auto safety and recalls, tips on charitable giving, drinking water safety, scholarship scams and hundreds more topics. The Business and Nonprofit section covers topics such as selling to the government, business start-up assistance, state programs and demographics. There are even sections for Government Employees and for Visitors to the U.S. Need a government agency toll-free number? Find it at the National Contact Center, either online at or call 1-800-333-4636. The Federal Citizen Information Center has publications on every conceivable consumer topic. Most of the pamphlets are either free or low-cost. You can browse by topic or top sellers, or search for your own specific topic. General categories of information include cars, computers, education, food, health, money, travel, small business, employment and more. You also can sign up for free publications that will be sent to you by e-mail. Check the site at or call 1-888-878-3256. David Uffington regrets that he cannot personally answer reader questions, but will incorporate them into his column whenever possible. Write to him in care of King Features Weekly Service, P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475, or send e-mail to (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

August 3, 2009

Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

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MicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last); Various veterinary hospitals and clinics across the metro area. 150,000 cats metrowide will receive free microchips! Visit for details. Under The August Moon at Chatfield: August 8, 2009; Denver Botanic Gardens at Chatfield, Littleton. 5:00 pm - 8:00 pm. Imagine a summer evening on a prairie farm: birds chattering, grasses glowing at sundown, and then the sound of music and laguhter. Storytellers lead groups through the rustic setting; stroll to the historic farmhouse for appetizers and beverages (wine, beer, and nonalcoholic thirst quenchers); the smell of the barbecue in the wairm air beckons. Fun dancing ensues and the evening ends with delicious desserts and a string quartet serenading the crowd. Wander back in time a The Associates of Denver Botanic Gardens present Under the August Moon at Chatfield. $50 in advance, $60 at the door; includes all food, drinks, activities and entertainment. Proceeds benefit the Denver Botanic Gardens. Call (720) 865-3660 or email under-august-moon ZOOmily: August 8, 2009; Denver Zoo. 6:00 pm - ZOOmily brings together two family favorites; Animal myths and legends and Zip A De Do at the Zoo. Proceeds benefit the Red Apple Fund. Admission to be announced. 46th Annual Colorado Scottish Festival and Rocky Mountain Highland Games: August 8, 2009 August 9, 2009; Highland Heritage Park, Littleton. Join this Celtic celebration featuring pipe bands, drumming, Scottish athletic competitions, highland dancing and folk music. Saturday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm, Sunday 9:00 am - 5:00 pm. $12 - adults. $8 Children (7-11). $8 Seniors (60+). FREE for children under 6. Highlands Ranch Concert Band: August 22, 2009; Civic Center Park, Highlands Ranch. FREE!!! “Swing Shift” - a jazz ensemble will perform jazz and dance tunes. Bring a blanket, a picnic basket, and/or lounge chairs. (303) 683-4102. 2nd Annual Songwriters Supper - Under the August Moon: August 22, 2009; Sedalia. Fabulous food, tasty cocktails, silent and live auctions and amazing entertainment from some of the region’s most recognized songwriters. All proceeds go directly to St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital. $125. Call 1-800-287-3695 to sponsor or donate. songwriterssupper. Heritage Festival: August 29, 2009 - August 30, 2009; Estes Park. Take a step back into time and explore the history of Estes Park. It’s a perfect opportunity for the entire family to learn about strong pioneer mountain men and women. FREE To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail as far ahead of the event as possible.

Free Events

Bus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/ Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 Children’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive Colorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm. org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591 CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Rd, 303-469-3301 x7999 Denver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to CO residents, 10am5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway Denver Botanic Gardens - Free days: Aug 20, Sep 19, Oct 23; 9am5pm 1005 York St, 720-865-3500 Denver Museum of Nature & Science 2009 Free days: Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 Firehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6 Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-2987554 U.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761


Colorado Rockies - MLB • Phillies host Rockies: Tue Aug 4, 5:05 pm, Wed Aug 5, 5:05 pm, Thu Aug 6: 11:05 am • Rockies host Cubs: Fri Aug 7, 7:10 pm, Sat Aug 8, 6:10 pm, Sun Aug 9, 1:10 pm, Mon Aug 10, 6:40 pm • Rockies host Pirates: Tue Aug 11, 6:40 pm, Wed Aug 12, 6:40 pm, Thu Aug 13, 1:10 pm • Marlins host Rockies: Fri Aug 14, 5:10 pm, Sat Aug 15, 4:10 pm, Sun Aug 16, 3:05 pm Colorado Rapids - Major League Soccer • Rapids host Chivas: Sat Aug 8, 7:30 • Chicago hosts Rapids: Sun Aug 23, 4:00 • Rapids host Houston: Sun Aug 30, 1:00 Denver Outlaws - Major League Lacrosse • Nationals host Outlaws: Sat Aug 8, 5 pm Colorado Avalanche - NHL • Avalanche host Sharks; Thus Oct 1, 7:30 pm TICKETS ON SALE NOW Denver Broncos - NFL • PRESEASON Broncos at San Francisco Fri Aug 14, 7:00 pm • PRESEASON Broncos at Seattle; Sat Aug 22, 7:30 pm Colorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse League • PRESEASON Mammoth hosts San Jose, Sat Dec 20 7:00 pm


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Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

Page 6

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Kim says I should limit my goal to 5 pounds at a time. But it’s more than just weight. Kim One bite at a time. I have an elephant that is going to help me get in shape. My posture has been around for several years and I is off – I’m getting the slouching hump and have finally decided to pick up my fork and my body is rotated to the right which causes knife and set into it. I, Miriam Zoole, coproblems in my joints. I need to build my owner/publisher of Tidbits – Denver Metro muscle mass - keep me straight and looking Area am inviting you, all 40,000+ weekly good. readers, to watch me eat an elephant - my Here are some of my base line measurements extra weight and lack of fitness. – blood pressure: 105/67 with a pulse of 62. I recently met Kim Sopoci, Personal Fitness My percent body fat is 36.75 – for a woman, Trainer, and immediately knew that this anything over 36% is obese. Kim states that was someone that could help me with my the ideal body fat percentage for a woman elephant. Our first meeting was to get a should be between 18 and 25%. Kim base line on my current weight and health explained that we measure fat at the surface – but before I share some of this intimate so there is a 3% plus or minus variable knowledge with each of you, I’d like to give there could be more that lies under the skin, you a little background about me first. the kind that can’t be measured with calipers I’m 42 and am fairly active; I scuba dive, ski, – the really bad fat that lives in muscles and and teach Combat Hapkido. At my heaviest, organs. To reach my body fat percentage 6+ yrs ago, was wearing a man’s 3XLT t-shirt goal, I should lose roughly 50 pounds – at over my size 26/28 pants – and they were least right now. Kim also explained that as tight. From Memorial Day 2003 to Memorial I lose fat and develop muscle, this number Day 2004 I lost 74 pounds but by the fall of will change. Muscle weighs more than fat 2006 I had allowed my weight to creep up so although I might lose 70 pounds in fat, I 40 pounds. Again, I was able to “diet” and might gain 20 pounds in muscle. I lost those 40 pounds plus another 20 for Kim also took out the tape measure and we a total loss of 90 pounds. However, during documented my circumference in several this past year I’ve seen 20 of those pounds areas; hips, waist, chest, thigh, calf, ankle, creep back on. upper arm and wrist. There’s some great I have a weight in mind that I want to achieve. news that came out of these measurements

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– my waist to hip ratio is .66 – for a woman, anything lower than .8 is low risk for cardiovascular disease, diabetes, gall bladder problems, hypertension and certain types of cancer. During our next meeting, Kim will take a base line measurement of my fitness and strength as well as find out my metabolic type. We will also go over the activity I’ve done this past week and my food intake – which reminds me… Should I tell Kim about the not-sogood-for-you-when-you’re-dieting food I’ve eaten this weekend? Hmmm – I guess I’ll have to. Each month I will write about my previous month’s progression. It is our, Kim and my, goal to help many readers by documenting this progression. Whether you are overweight, underweight or just muscle deficient, a personal trainer, such as Kim Sopoci, can help you realize your body’s full physical potential. I know she will be a big help to me and if we can just help one person with achieving their personal fitness goal, then we will have accomplished a good thing. If you would like to join me in eating an elephant, Kim can be reached at 303.690.3507. Visit her web site at for information about her program. If you have any comments about our “How Do You Eat an Elephant” adventure, please write to me directly at

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August 3, 2009


By Samantha Weaver

• It is not known who made the following sage observation: “Conscience is the still, small voice which tells a candidate that what he is doing is likely to lose him votes.” • Cost-cutting is nothing new in the airline industry. Way back in 1987, American Airlines was looking to pinch a few pennies. One of the measures the carrier decided on was to eliminate one olive from each salad served to passengers in first class. This seemingly minor move saved a total of $40,000 that year. • Before he became a fast-food titan, the founder of the Taco Bell chain of restaurants operated a hot-dog stand. • If you’re overdue for a snack right now, you might be hearing borborygmi. Those are the growling sounds made by an empty belly. • Next time you’re planning on taking a fishing trip, you might want to consider the whopper recently brought in by a Florida man. It seems that while fishing in the waters off the Panhandle, Rodney Salomon snagged a test missile. Although he wanted to keep the missile as a souvenir, the authorities insisted that the MacDill Air Force Base Bomb Squad dismantle it. Talk about the one that got away! • If you’re like the average American, you will eat approximately 60 quarts of popcorn this year. • If you’ve ever been to an arcade, you’ve certainly seen a claw machine -- the game where you operate a lever to manipulate a claw in order to (hopefully) pick up a stuffed toy. Well, in Osaka, Japan, they’ve come up with a new twist. The Sub Marine Catcher looks just like a standard claw machine, except instead of stuffed toys, the plastic chamber is filled with water and live lobsters. (c) 2009 King Features Synd., Inc.

Thought for the Day: “History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.” -- Napoleon Bonaparte

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking, when the blonde said, “I hate all the blonde jokes people tell.” “Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it to you.” They went outside and hailed a taxi driver. “Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said the brunette. The taxi drove them to Nickel Street. When they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, “See! That guy was really stupid.” “No kidding,” replied the blonde. “There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead.” The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress. Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the ‘unbreakable’ comb for everyone to see and said, “And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside...”

Page 7


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A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightlysinged wife is standing outside. “What happened, honey?” the man asks. “Oh, John, it was terrible,” she weeps. “I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn’t notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn’t make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone........” “Wait! Back up a minute,” the man says. “My agent called?”

Some people are extremely impressed when you tell them you’re a Navy SEAL. Case in point: My grandson’s Kindergarten class on Career Day. I regaled them with stories of my exploits in the military. After I finished, hands shot up into the air all over the classroom. The kids were eager to ask Who is more satisfied, a man with a mil- questions. One little girl asked, “Can you lion dollars, or a man with six children? balance a ball on the end of your nose?” The man with six children. The man with a Our newer high speed computer was in million dollars wants more. the shop for repair, and my son was forced Two children went into their parents’ to work on our old 386 model with the blackbathroom and noticed the scale in the cor- and-white printer. ‘Mom,’ he complained to ner. “Whatever you do,” cautioned one me one day, ‘this is like we’re living back in child to the younger one, “don’t step on it!” the twentieth century.”

“Why not?” asked the sibling. “Because Everyone was seated around the table every time mom does, she lets out an aw- as the food was being served. When little ful scream!” Logan received his plate, he started eating An American scientist once visited the right away. “Logan, wait until we say our offices of the great Nobel Prize-winning prayer,” his mother reminded him. “I don’t physicist, Neils Bohr, in Copenhagen, have to,” the little boy replied. “Of course and was amazed to find a horseshoe was you do,” his mother insisted, “we say a nailed to the wall over his desk. The Amer- prayer before eating at our house.” “That’s ican said with a nervous laugh, “Surely you at our house,” Logan explained, “but this don’t believe that horseshoe will bring you is Grandma’s house and she knows how good luck, do you, Professor Bohr?” Bohr to cook.” chuckled. “I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not! How can one argue with such logic?”


After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly. “No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.” On the back of a street- cleaning vehicle: Caution: Driver’s mind is in the gutter!

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Page 8

Tidbits® - Denver Metro Area

Laugh Lines!


Quips & Quotes “Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.”

How Not To Report An Accident

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Quips & Quotes

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• Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have. • I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it. • No one was to blame for the accident, but it never would have happened if the other driver had been alert. • The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him. • I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before. • I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car. • I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

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• I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash. • The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. • The accident happened when the right door of a car came around the corner without giving a signal. • I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. • I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprung up, obscuring my vision. • I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

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Tidbits - Denver Metro Area - Issue #1098  

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