brought to you by bathimpact Issue 4
Thursday 25th September 2014
01225 386 151
mintyfresh highlights Quote of the night What animal would you say best describes your prowess in bed? ... (confused face), it was just a kiss, it wasn’t a blow job. A hard of hearing Eastwoodian
Unleashing the beast Crawling through the undergrowth of Solsbury Court, scaling the peaks of Norwood, delving the depths of the Eastwood swamp, we at mintyfresh are always questing for the best stories on campus. So we enjoy it immensely when you take the themes seriously! Licking things off the floor and shitting in the corners, however, just because it’s Safari Night is a tad too far! We get stories both literally and metaphorically fecal every night (Seriously, why do you like poo so much?), but last night saw a spate of idiots drinking various liquids off the floor. We had one bloke drinking milk off the floor in Eastwood, perhaps retiring to that primal urge of breastfeeding? We also shared a lift with Tess from Norwood who proceeded to spill her G&T everywhere. She let out a primitive scream and immediately tried to lap it all up before it disappeared. We admire your frugality Tess, but your standards of hygiene leave a lot to be desired (p.s. hope you fixed your phone!). It didn’t take long for you all to fully embrace the animalistic
nature of the night, stripping down quicker than an Essex girl after a night out. mintyfresh was shocked and in awe to see Luke from Cotswold emerging around the corner as naked as… well, the beasts we undoubtedly are. It seemed to be a reoccurring theme for Westwood as tales emerged of Manny, the boy who had reversed so far through the evolutionary scale that he again decided that the shower was the best place to eject his fecal matter. We heard that he subsequently slipped and broke his ankle; survival of the fittest has never seemed more appropriate. We’d also like to congratulate everyone who dressed as sexy cats. The sheer originality of this stunned us, with almost every kitchen in the whole of the university having one girl (and the occasional guy) dressed up in a tight dress and pointy ears. We bet your Tinder profiles are just, “I like breathing, eating, Take That and long walks on the beach”… we’d still swipe right. As politically astute and conscientious journalists ourselves, we at mintyfresh were intrigued to
see a man with face paint wearing a Sri Lanka t-shirt. It didn’t seem to tie in to the theme, but was this perhaps a political comment on the Tamil Tigers militant organisation? We approached him expecting an intellectual debate, but when we asked him about his top, his response was, “well Sri Lanka is like India, but, like, with big waves hitting it”. Good job dude, have a sticker. In today’s touching story, it appears the Safari Theme has created an air of sentimentality in Alistair from E15 as today he plans to take a four hour round journey to visit his dog, whom he’s missing terribly. He explained his upcoming quest to us incredibly poetically and gave off the impression of a man who is in touch with his softer side. The illusion was soon shattered, however, when he said, “Sorry mate, just gotta grab my crate as I need a shit and I think it might be a long one”. Overall it’s been a pretty wild night; we hope you noticed the mintyfresh elephant in the room we look forward to seeing you tomorrow.
Half-arse of the night Why are you dressed like a shark? “I dunno ... Savannah and shit” Brendonian who hadn’t given it much thought
Answer of the night What is your favourite animal and why? “An elephant ... because they squirt a lot” Solsburian firefighter
Tweet of the night “If ate strawberry lube once, I felt a bit ill, but it was nice’ can’t deal with this” @BethanyGalloway
More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the bathimpact page on Facebook at the following address: www.facebook.com/bathimpact
We’re up all day to get sporty
Spoooooooorrrttttttssssssssss. So many sports. Like at least four sportseses were happening all at once which wasn’t at all confusing... did we mention there were sports? *whispers* sports. Ahem, anyway. As opposed to Monday when Parade was full of keen and eager freshers by
11am, at the same time yesterday there was a distinct lack of this. Instead we saw a few groggy looking young people searching for an energy drink, a gun and a quiet place to end it all. The week appears to be taking its toll on you all already; you’re going to need to shape up if you’re go-
ing to make it to the end! The delicate atmosphere seemed to unnerve the assembled sports committees who tentatively whispered things like “points” and “jock strap” in the hope of ensnaring fragile looking freshers. Other groups offered up hunky slabs of man-meat vacuum packed in lycra and this proved successful, as out of a 25 person sample; 72% said they would be more likely to join a club when tempted with carnal pleasures. Factual journalism at its best there people! One thing that we’ve worked out from the difference between you guys in the day and in the night, is that you’re all essentially gremlins. You cannot be exposed to sunlight and should never, ever be fed the bottle after midnight. You turn into grimy, slightly sadistic monsters, prowling the campus causing havoc and destroying everything your sticky fingers touch. During the day, however, you’re like the cute pre-gremlin things with big
Fresher of the Night Tonight’s Fresher of the Night goes to Barnaby, ‘The Thunda from Down Unda’! We liked his Ozzie attitude, his costume of “my cork hat, my fosters, my tiger” (we didn’t ask about the tiger, geography wasn’t one of his strong points) and the fact he had ‘Good Call’ and his phone number scrawled across his chest. However, what really impressed us was his complete commitment
to an impressive Australian accent, which he didn’t drop for a second. He also claims his “entire existence was geared towards this night”. The only thing we like more than this level of commitment is costumes based on fleetingly famous beer commercials, so guess what Barny, we like you! … Okay, like is a strong word, but we hate you less than the others.
smiles on your faces and you’re always happy to see us (and we’re even a bit less disgusted to see you). mintyfresh loves delivering our daily ramblings to you; it almost levels out the intense sadness about what happens to you in the evening. That said, we must raise concern to the Marlborough fresher who greeted us today with a pale white face and a knife in his hand. We don’t know what he’d done, but it looked like he’d just fought his way out of Dolores Umbridge’s decaying, haunted vagina. Marlburians should approach him with caution and not act a hero, or do. It would make a good story and if it’s funny, remember to let us know. Finally, as we’ve reported pretty much every day so far, Polden again were the victims of a food-based attack and spent the morning cleaning up. We aren’t sure why you guys keep doing it to them, but we have to say it isn’t funny... no seriously guys, we mean it this time!
Hall of the Night Hall of the Night tonight goes to a collective effort from E42. We had a home-brewed beverage (bottle and capped and everything) called ‘Beastwood’ that managed to combine the two previously bipolar phrases: “60% vodka” and “fucking delicious”. James also won the creepiest costume award with a very realistic hippo face mask, whilst we also had a great
answer to our animal sex question from a fairly innocent looking Welsh girl: “A honey badger, I’m a violent little fucker”. They also gave us a really warm welcome and told us they really liked mintyfresh. We’re vain guys; we’re really, really vain. Tell us you think we’re funny and aren’t disgusted at the thought of our pasty, flabby, naked bodies and we will reward you.
Film Soc Film Night
Hollywood Bowl (Avonmeads)
‘500 Days of Summer’ East Building 1.1
UV Ping Pong
SciFi Soc Film Night
‘Avatar’ 5W 2.1
UV Rave with Zane Lowe Founders Hall
22:00 - 02:00
Published on Sep 24, 2014