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Issue 5

Friday 28th September 2012

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mintyfresh highlights Best quotes “Dot Rotten - did we keep the receipt?” Hilariously accurate fresher. “Hopefully getting laid involves less cling film.” ‘Full body condom’ from Cotswold. “I fuck in trees and eat cottage pie.” Kate from Solsbury.

Fluorescent adolescents Brendon Court outshone all of the other halls last night as they hosted the most exciting party of the week. Like moths to a flame, our intrepid reporters descended on the now multi-coloured accommodation, keen to sniff out the source of this ultra-violet extravaganza. With a metric fuck tonne of incandescent memorabilia, the boys in blue lit up the campus with enough fluorescent wonders to make even you lot bright. On the topic of things aglow, one young student went to the extremes of painting his tackle a vibrant shade of purple. He then proceeded to wander around Mendip waving his “special glow stick” about - clearly an effort to detract from the fact that the lights in his head were very much switched off. Now, sweet innocents, please prepare yourself for an update on the Westwood riots. As they

are now banned from attacking Quantock, Cotswold turned on themselves and viciously clingfilmed someone to a tree. mintyfresh managed to intervene before he was ravaged, but rather than expressing thanks, this individual, who we will call the Full Body Condom, hoped the ordeal would aid his chances of covering a different part of him in plastic. Around the corner in Derhill, one girl proved herself to be quite the little jumper. As our team searched for the greatest party trick, a certain Sammy offered to pole vault one of our unsuspecting correspondents. She succeeded, and one of our team got a little closer to a girl sitting on their face. Rosie, Hannah and Greg from SC3 have found a novel bonding method. Dubbing themselves “chunder buddies” whenever these three comrades-in-arms

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feel the need they join hands and indulge in the act of synchronised spewing. Here at mintyfresh towers we want to remind you all of the sage advice the Ghostbusters offered us many years ago - never, ever cross the beams. Actually, just avoid vomit in general. Good life advice there. Continuing the ‘what the fuck goes through your heads!?’ theme; one young man, Brendan from MD2 (the same mud covered man from the first issue) woke up this morning to a phone call from his mother. It was only as he spoke to her that the full state of his room, and indeed himself, really sunk in. He found himself adorned in none other than a red, fluffy, satin Santa thong. Along with his unseasonal lingerie he also discovered one used willy-wrapper. It sounds as if someone was saying ‘oh Santa baby’ as he slipped them a sable under their tree.

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Q&A If you could be any animal what would you be and why? “A pig, their orgasms last for thirty minutes” ‘Mr Beastiality’ from Derhill

More pictures To see all your beautiful faces go onto the mintyfresh page on Facebook. Type in these letters and symbols: www.facebook.com/mintyfresh

Event Highlight During Zane Lowe’s set, mintyfresh was massively proud to hear the massed chanting to accompany the Seven Nation Army riff. Jack White himself would have been proud.

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Bacongate scandal

There was outrage at yesterday’s SU Fete when a group of religious zealots stole VegSoc’s cooking equipment. Accusations were thrown about all over the parade, fingers were pointed at pretty much every society (one paranoid

conspiracist even suggested the perpetrators was VegSoc themselves). Whilst the criminals have still not been identified we were horrified to learn the true depravity of the crime. Not only had the utensils been pinched they

had also been used to… wait for it… FRY BACON! Yes. Tasty, tasty bacon. We would like to take this opportunity to tell you all not to fear. We will not rest until this case is solved. As you’ve seen throughout the week, we always follow stories about meat being put in places that it shouldn’t. In cheerier news, the backstage boys showed us how well they could build a temporary stage, but sadly before they could show us how well they could take it down it was invaded by BODYSOC. After the recent broadcast of The Valleys we half expected WelshSoc to be hiding in the pit of shame that’s usually reserved for people from Essex and Newcastle. However, they wore their rugby tops with pride and decorated their stall with daffodils, leeks, dragons and, of course, pictures of Welshies in various (mostly extreme) stages of intoxication. We

guess sometimes stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason. In a slightly more civil presentation, the Model UN was resplendent in some very suave clothing and very official flags and shit (we have been assured that is the official terminology). They then proceeded to blindfold people and make them crawl along the floor in search of countries while the crowds laughed. Ban-Ki Moon would doubtless approve. The media stall was inundated with praise with someone going as far as to call us, we quote, ‘comedy geniuses’ We will not let the praise go to our heads - all the funny is built on your nonsense. MusicSoc set up their instruments next to the SU and if music be the food of love, they shared the love. Spontaneous jam sessions drew crowds as the sun shone, if at times only briefly, for the first time in what felt like forever.

Friday Highlights Fresher of the night Freshers’ Fair

ICIA Freshers’ Fringe

Sports’ Hall

Outside Founders’ Hall

10:00-16:00

10:00-15:00

PG Roman Baths Trip

3:Thirty Sports

12.45-15:00

16:00-18:00

PG Big Party

Film Night

The Tub

5W 2.4

19:30-01:00

20:00-22:30

Outside Abbey

STV Astros

Back to School with B.Traits Sports Hall

21:00 - 02:00

Fresher of the night tonight goes to Kimberly from Brendon who showed an incredible amount of generosity and ingenuity in abusing a position of power her Mum holds. Fuck using the power of judges, politicians or policeman, we at mintyfresh prefer abusing the

power of parents who own UV factories. Kimberly attained 40 t-shirts, 50 glow sticks, 4 UV hot pants, 100 wristbands, 7 ear rings, 12 necklaces, a shit load of UV paint and UV cream that came in to over £200. Brendon looked like a firefly orgy, top effort.

mintyfresh Thursday  

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