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Card s ’ e tin alen ide! V Free ins ISSUE LOVE THE


Bath Burp Feb 2012


Issue 9

Editorial The teacher talked, the children listened and most of all the young Harris listened. “Nelson, leader of the Royal Navy, one of England’s most inspiring personalities, died 1805. Winston Churchill, Prime Minister of England, led British troops and Britain to victory, died 1965. Charles Dickens, writer of some of the greatest novels of all time, defender of the poor and chronicler of the age. Died 1870”. And later that day, young Harris was quizzed, “what would you like to be when you’re older”, the answer most obvious was, “dead Miss”. David Selby Wind pisser

Special thanks to Bloomfield Computing & Studios Ltd for burning this month’s CD. Front cover image by the wonderful Bob Shaw: Visit him, he’d visit you.

ON THIS MONTH’S CD 1. My Island, by The Daturas. This is a seriously catchy track. Saw them down at Moles recently. Great gig. 2. In The Land Of Milk And Honey, by Dakhla. Did a fantastic set at The Bell. 3. In Dependence (ft. Tom Burton and Aaron Scott) by Laura Doggett. 4. Everything Passes By, by The Low Flames. Written by Ollie Smith and Adam Smith.(We met the lovely Ollie at a songwriting session in Box in Decemeber). 5. Too Late, by Hannah Collins, from her album Different Light. 6. All The Colours Of The Painbow, by David Beige. If you would like to submit a poem, song or story please send an email to: We are happy to come and record gigs in Bath too.

Trina Warman

Art Reborn In the epic financial downfall of late 2012 in an act to conserve resources the Terrible decision was made for the axing of the BBC’s most relevant and demographically representative show Eastenders. Tears cascaded into streams into rivers into an ocean of regret and many financiers were driven to take their own lives. I, in my infinite servitude to mankind took the decision to (completely of charity) fill the artistic void felt by the masses.

would stand completely bereft of clothes and punch myself in the dick while crying. For many years this sated the Entertainment needs of the masses until 2017 when Terry Lewis and income tax inspector from Halifax broke into the studio and screamed “This Isn’t Art” to which I replied “Art Is Dead” for which I received an award for Expression from Russell Brand at The Wella Shockwaves Awards For Something.


Every night at 8pm for one full hour and for countless hours in omnibus on Sundays live infront of millions of viewers

Phaedra Vahlos

Ben Please A selection of lino prints from the artwork for The Bookshop Band’s first album.

Tsukiji Fish Market

It is early morning - still a smooth metro ride complete eased into an older part of the city where the fish finish their way Stall after sea-soaked stall a tide of noise navigated - the cutting of band saws call and response - then water sends scales and slime to the flowing gutters these ever-wet workers washed up at the end of their day The last few forgotten fish gaping where they have been cut so precisely then - a bucket of fish heads and its attendant flies The low halls - black charactered banners a kingdom of ice - reverence It is the size of the fish that surprises here gaping jaws a trawl mouth that once scooped all In the busy nearby street customers quietly queue the sashimi restaurant minutes from the knife eager for the fish carved with orishi hocho

A line of bright upright flags flap overhead the queue shuffles forward The cold march wind turns the coat collars up wraps scarves close The market fades back into grey the noise has gone little left of the bright blood the scales of un-named fish a single eye gleams on the floor It is still early in the day we walk back to the metro where the train whispers in to the station above the harbour.

Richard Selby

Jo Pearce

OK, so we’re thinking about having a page of adverts for exhibitions, gigs and unusual local companies. Get in touch if you’d like to list something. For example, go to see

Beth Porter & The Availables at The Lovelounge (@ The Bell), Sunday 26th Feb, 8pm.£4

Bob Shaw. This boy is taken too! Looks like it’s one of the others then. Oh well.

Heidi Lee-Sperring. This kitten is taken. Get your mittens off! She bites!

Lewis. He has already built a website for you.

Ben Please. BAFTA award winning, Cambridge top graduate, all singing (no dancing). Currently lives with his mum.

Dave Selby. Carpenter, poet, songwriter and hub-of-thecommunity barman. Poor, but ironically also the highest earner of the bunch.

Attention card receiver / sender. Depending on how successful Valentines Day is for you, you may also be interested in some of these lovely singles from The Bath Burp editorial team.

cut along here

fold here

don’t enter your name here, or do).

From _________________ (generally

(please delete as appropriate) (Space for your own message here. Say something sexy, a poem maybe? Or perhaps draw a pretty little picture. People like pictures.)

I love you Kiss Kiss Kiss Nookey sometime?

you a very lovely Valentines Day and what not.


Dear ________________ (enter loved ones name. This may also be yourself).

cut along here

The Bath Burp’s Acme DIY Valentine Card Kit (free with this months issue)

If you dont get any valentines cards, or you’d like an extra one, please cut out where indicated, fold along the dotted line and place on your mantlepiece. Or why not give this card to a loved one. Just fill in their name in the space provided over page.

fold here

Either way, if you do, probably best scribble out these words so no one knows where you got the card from.

Bath Burp 9  

Bath Burp 9. Feb 2012

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