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Ovaries to obituaries since 1971 | | Wednesday, DECEMBER 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07 . #


Postions open: - Arts Editor: must find contributors to send in artwork, poetry and short stories, and place them artistically on a page. - Entertainment Editor: must find contributors to send in articles, and have a general knowledge of upcoming entertainment events in Montreal and the world. - Staff Writers: must write two articles and attend two Bandersnatch meetings. - Copy Editors: read over articles and correct gramatical errors.

(Not a) Fire at John Abbott College Kasia Whitelaw Staff Writer

On Monday, November 25 th , construction workers set off the fire alarm at 12:04pm in Casgrain, Penfield and Herzberg while re-applying tar to the roof of Stuart hall. Students were slowly and smoothly evacuated, as teachers wondered why they were practicing a fire drill so close to the end of the semester. Some classes were in the middle of an exam when the alarm was set off, and teachers almost didn’t let their students out. With students scattered everywhere outside and in the cafeteria and the science building, we waiting for news on the situation from an overhead speaker. Before writing my article, I did a little research and it turns out that our fire scare wasn’t the first one Abbott has had. In January 2009, an article was written in our very own Bandersnatch about a fire caused by the pool lighting system. Casgrain was on fire for a total of 2 minutes, and the whole school was evacuated. It was mentioned by the writer, Matt Guite, that the fire department was called by students, which resulted in rushed arrival and misplacement. Guite said it was important to contact security and then let them call the fire department. They would arrange a meeting point so they could safely guide them to the scene, resulting in much less wasted time. In the West Island Gazette it was mentioned that the firefighters arrived at the McGill campus and were then quickly escorted by security to the ‘fire’. After a thorough search they concluded that there was no actual fire, only smoke coming from the heated tar. We’ve obviously learned our lesson since 2009

because by 1:20pm, the smoke was put out and the firefighters had left the scene. Students were then let back into their classes, the problem was over, and everyone went on with their usual Monday. A facebook page hastily went up the day the incident occurred: “I survived the Great John Abbott Fire of 26/11/12.” A joke such as this is for people to make fun of the lack of severity of the situation. However given it’s mere 53 likes shows that it’s humor doesn’t sit right with everyone. Overall, no serious damages were made to the building and no injuries were reported. Besides the claustrophobia in the science building while we were waiting patiently for our classes to be cancelled, the ‘fire’ at John Abbott College was a small experience that was resolved within an hour without any traces. In a few years, students will remember fire experience during the fire like they do their last history class: they won’t.

Photo credit to Constantino Montelli

The PQ thus far

Slanderbatch: Zombritches

Let’s talk about porn


When the PQ, led by Pauline Marois, was elected to govern Quebec earlier this fall, reactions ranged from relief to foreboding. While some felt that Marois would impose some direly needed changes in the aim of promoting the French language and freezing the much-contested university tuition hikes...

Do you ever wake up and things just don’t feel right? Like when you sleep through your alarm and you know that it’s no longer 6 a.m? It was obvious something wasn’t right this morning. I awoke to the sounds of screams and things breaking in the distance...

The porn industry attains revenues upwards of ten billion dollars annually in the United States alone. This powerful and highly successful business produces a wide variety of pornographic material, the most popular of which is in the form of explicit videos...

Campus Life ..................................................... 1

continued on page 5

continued on page 9

continued on page 12

Games ............................................................. 14

“Bandersnatch is the happiest place on Earth” - Julianna Astorino “We have access to the Chamber of Secrets.” - Zack Duma “What is the Chamber of Secrets?” - Evan Buckiewicz “Bandersnatch is the safe haven I can always go to, no matter my mood.” - Caroline Houle “Come join, we have a TV.” - Tino Montelli “I came in for the free wi-fi, I stayed for the friends.” - Hansyn Lyall “And couches.” - Bee Clarke “I joined Bandersnatch because my girlfriend made me, but I came to love it.” - Brendan McGarry “By ‘it,’ he means me.” - Bee Clarke “I just... joined” - Zack Duma “Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life” -Terry Pratchett

Photo credit to Constantino Montelli

In This Issue

News ................................................................. 4 Slander ............................................................ 6 Arts ..................................................................10 Opinons ...........................................................12 Entertainment ................................................13

Sports .............................................................15 Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 1..


Teacher Spotlight John Abbott College has many great teachers with plenty to offer. Registration for the Winter 2013 schedule is coming up soon, and that means time to choose new teachers. Here are some teachers the staff here at Bandersnatch would recommend. Meredeth Browne - Universe of the arts. A perfect match of art and history with a touch of silly and fun. Irini Tsakiri – Philosophy. She’s in touch with something that most of us have lost in this day and age and she tries to make you see exactly what it is. Her class is a valuable experience. Another one of her students went on to say: 100% agreed! One of the best teachers at Abbott! Harold Hoefle - English. Starts off the class with ‘peace’ as his slogan for ‘hi’. He teaches you a lot of valuable lessons to improve your English skills. He also makes you read a lot of stories that you wouldn’t find on your own. He makes you become a fan of some of Canada’s greatest literature and has many crazy activities that you will find fun. He’s everyone’s favourite hippie. Yves Saint-Pierre - English. He creates an atmosphere that makes learning a comical adventure. Interpreting short stories, plays and poems with Yves is never a dull moment. Brandon Daniel Hughes - World Religions. Brandon is the most hilarious teacher ever. You will learn so much, yet classes are never dull. He is truly one of the best teachers at Abbott. F.Y.I. ‘rabbit’ is not a good thing. John Serrati - History of Western Civilization, Classics - Serrati really makes you realize the contributions each period of history has made to what we are today. Best of all, his classes are super entertaining.

Students, Friends, Romans, Countrymen, The end of the semester is quickly approaching, and you’re all surely loaded with schoolwork, hopped up on a few hours sleep and probably more coffee than is biologically safe. But here comes that one last push and then you’re home free to vegetate for nearly a month! That being said, SUJAC would like to wish you all a wonderful Holiday Season and a happy New Year! In this season of gratitude, of course, we are thankful for you, the students! You’re our inspiration and

Michelle Kwas - Psychology. An eccentric and highly passionate psychology teacher with a zest for life. Her hysterical sense of humor and ability to relate every topic to her students makes for a unique class experience. With her effective teaching methods combined with her radiant personality, you’ll always look forward to her class. Geoffrey Cook - English. Alternates frequently between three phases: the astute intellectual, the eloquent poet, and the quirky individual. On any given day, he may be pacing before the class, murmuring excitedly as he pontificates about improper essay techniques or illuminates his pupils about sexual taboos in ancient Greek literature. His classes genuinely provide insight into carefully chosen texts which in themselves never fail to be fascinating. Sarah Venart Intro to Contemporary Literature. Will make your hand hurt from writing and your brain hurt from thinking but all of it is worth having the chance to be in her class. She wants every one of her students to succeed and her passion for contemporary literature is contagious. Her class consists of the perfect balance between hard work and fun because of her quirky sense of humour and her

choice of contemporary short stories. Julie Gagnon - Spanish. She is amazing, sweet and makes learning spanish fun and cultural. Paolo Di Stefano - Humanities. He’s good at starting the class with good discussions on images, ethics and issues in documentaries and he’s really interesting. Sophie Prince - University of the Arts. She is just so adorable and sings and dances in class. Mario Bellemare - Humanities. He teaches valuable things about the human condition which are applicable to more than just the cinema classes that he teaches.

John Abbott College 21275 Lakeshore Road P.O. Box 2000 Sainte-Anne-de-Bellevue, Quebec, Canada H9X 3L9 Phone: (514) 457-6610 ext. 5389 Fax: (514) 457-6091 Office: H-041 Web: E-mail:

Zack Duma Editor-in-Chief

Bee Clarke Assistant Editor-in-Chief

Analisa Astorino Campus Life Editor

Yasmine Mosimann News Editor

Julie Reckziegel Entertainment Editor

Evan Buckiewicz Arts Editor

Caroline Houle Opinions Editor

Constantino Montelli Games and Tech Editor Harold Hoefle

Casey Dulson Sports Editor

Brendan McGarry Production Manager

Hansyn Lyall Assistant Production Manager

Position Available Production Staff

Emma Sutherland Office Manager

Catherine Dubé Media Administrator

Position Available Webmaster

Position Available Banner Designer John Serrati

some would even say… You’re Mistle Toe-tally awesome! Before you ask, that seemed a lot funnier that it actually was… Moving on… The Craft Sale and Bake Sale on November 27th and 28th were a success, and a big ‘Thank You’ goes out to all those were involved. Really, there were all sorts of neat knick-knacks for sale, even awesome earrings in the form of Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. And I think we can all agree that the world is a better place when those are in it. Just in case any of you feel you missed out on getting involved with

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 2..

Geoffrey Cook

SUJAC or any other activities this semester, keep an eye on the JAC Portal for upcoming ways on getting involved. You might also like to go to the SUJAC Facebook and find out more and ‘Like’ SUJAC…there are some surprising gifts involved at times. And so, again, Happy Holidays! And never hesitate to stop on by the SUJAC Office (P-101), if you have any questions, suggestions, or concerns. Sometimes, a little SUJAC loving is all you need! Best of Luck on your Finals!

Bandersnatch is a student run alternative press at John Abbott College. It is published every two weeks and is partially funded by the Student Activities Commitee and by advertising solicited customers. Submissions are welcome and become property of Bandersnatch. Submissions must be sent via e-mail to and must be in Plain Text format (.txt) or Microsoft Word Document format (.doc). All submissions must include the full name and telephone number of the contributor, as well as the e-mail address if applicable. Bandersnatch reserves the right to reject submissions or to edit any submissions for length, legality, or clarity. Submissions should be a minimum of 450 words and a maximum of 650 words. Articles lower or above these parameters may be printed at the discretion of the executives. Spelling and grammar will not be corrected on submissions as it is the responsibility of the contributor to correct them. If you should have any questions or concerns, please contact us at our e-mail indicated above or visit us at the Bandersnatch office, located in the basement of Herzberg, room H-041 (across from the hallway entrance of The Oval).

Ask Alice How do you know when a guy is boyfriend material or not? Determining whether a guy is boyfriend material from the get-go is difficult to tell. Although many people have conjured up the ideal physical appearances and personality traits that they look for in a guy, it is important to focus on the way he makes you feel. You should be completely comfortable around him, without hesitating to be yourself. If he makes you happy, that’s already a good sign. However, you have to be sure that he is making you happy for the right reasons. Does he genuinely care about your well being? He needs to be someone you can always rely on, no matter the situation. He shouldn’t just be your boyfriend; he should also be your best friend. You should be able to laugh at each other, joke around and be playful. If he is someone that you know you can be completely truthful and honest with, he may just be a keeper. You two must be able to effortlessly build an emotional and intellectual connection. A sexual connection should not be the main substance of any relationship. If he ever pressures you into moving too quickly or tries to change your quirks, he is not the one for you. Don’t let this be a discouragement, let this be a lesson. You deserve a man who will respect you and treat you right. What do you get for a stranger if you pick their name in a holiday gift exchange? I highly recommend that you find out their interests. Try and observe what they like to wear and listen carefully to what they say. Try to integrate these little details into a gift that may be either functional or memorable for them. Almost everyone loves food, especially during the holidays. Bake them a whole assortment of different goodies like cupcakes, cookies and fudge. A gift card to their favorite coffee shop would also be much appreciated. If they love music (which lets face it, most people do) think about getting them an iTunes gift card or making them a mix CD. If they’re an avid reader, I would get them a highly acclaimed novel. Get your creative juices flowing and handcraft them a gift. A lovely piece of art, a set of intricate earrings or a cozy woolen scarf may just do the trick!

John Abbott Teachers at the QWF Literary Awards Evan Buckiewicz Arts Editor

The 2012 QWF Literary Awards Gala took place this year at the Lion d’Or, and had a large presence of teachers from John Abbott College nominated for prizes in different categories. The QWF Literary Awards are annually the most well-renowned celebration of Quebec English literature within the province. The QWF is largely responsible for representing the English-speaking community of writers in Quebec, with a vision that “works toward ensuring a lasting place for English literature and its practitioners on the Quebec cultural scene.” In the booklet for this year’s Gala, QWF President David Homel welcomed the event by stating: “It’s great to be here and celebrate the achievements of the writers and translators who have sprung from our community, people who give us a voice and reflect our lives. I’ll spare you the cliché about writing being a solitary pursuit, and just say that all of us enjoy the chance to get out into the open air, see how other folks are doing, before returning home to grumble to ourselves and our loved ones about our work – such grumbling is a privilege, it seems to me.” Lori Weber was nominated for the QWF Prize for Children’s and Young Adult Literature with her sixth

Holiday sex! Bee Clarke & Emily Cicia Assistant Editor-in-Chief & Contributor

Hi guys and welcome to the first instalment of the innuendo twins sex column! To start off, we’d like to wish you all a very very happy holiday season, and remind you that just because you’ve overdone the eggnog and cocktails doesn’t mean that you can get away with unsafe sex! One of the first steps to having safe sex is knowing what resources you have on hand (and we aren’t saying that in a kinky way!). Whatever floats your boat, knowledge is key. Right here on campus there are more resources than clean bathrooms and we strongly recommend you take advantage.  At the Health and Wellness centre (in Herzberg) you can get everything you need. With the nurses on site to answer questions (and of course hold sexual awareness week!) and the doctors to check you over, you couldn’t be in better hands.  Did you know that you can get STI checks right here on campus? It’s safe and confidential. As well as Pap smears for you ladies out there. But it doesn’t stop there, you can also get pregnancy tests and learn all about what means of contraception

novel, Yellow Mini – her first one written in poetic verse. Tom Abray’s first collection of short stories, Pollen, was nominated for two awards: the Concordia University First Book Prize, and the Paragraphe Hugh Maclennan Prize for Fiction. Susan Gillis, who earlier this semester published her third book of poetry, The Rapids, was nominated – with the same title – for the A.M. Klein Prize for Poetry. Harold Hoefle was a highlight of the night. He won the Grand Prize for the CBC sponsored Quebec Writing Competition, with his short story, Ride. “[The story] carries us deep inside the racing thoughts of a drunk young woman with a looming decision,” said the judges about Hoefle’s story, and quoted by CBC Cinq à Six host Jeanette Kelly when presenting the award. In response, the opening line of Hoefle’s acceptance speech was “I am a drunk young woman!” The prize includes a $1,500 cash award, and Hoefle’s story will both be broadcasted on CBC’s Cinq à Six radio show, and published in the upcoming Winter edition of Maisonneuve magazine. The most significant honour at the Gala was given to Steve Luxton – an old English and creative writing teacher, just recently retired – who won the QWF Community Award. “This Prize,” the booklet states, “was

might work best for you. Sex isn’t something to be afraid of if you do it safely and we’re lucky enough to go to school in an environment that accepts this.  With registration coming up, can I recommend maybe taking a sex and sexuality humanities course? It’s a fun course (which we all know can be quite a feat when it comes to humanities classes), but it’s also super informative. In my first week I got to

created in 1995 to honour outstanding involvement in, and contributions to Quebec’s English-language literary life.” Luxton received this honour for his outstanding efforts as a creative writing teacher and lecturer at John Abbott College, Champlain College, Vanier College and Concordia University; his services as an editor for Matrix magazine and Moosewood Review; and – most importantly – his 25 years as Editor-In-Chief of DC Books publishing house (incidentally, it was this house which published Tom Abray’s Pollen). In the blurb about him, Luxton is commemorated for being “nothing short of relentless in his effort to see Quebec writers flourish within and without the borders of our province.” And it is in this spirit which the QWF, and the community which has been built around it, thrives.

Harold Hoefle receiving the Grand Prize for the CBC 2012 Quebec Writing Competition. Photocredit: Axel Augustin

learn all about vibrators! And by the end I felt much more confident in knowing how to be safe, what my sexual rights are and a few neat tricks. So go on guys, remember to keep it safe, have fun, and don’t let anyone tell you that holiday sex can’t be the best sex! Oh, and feel free to send us any questions you might have, or drop by the Bander office and we’ll make sure to clear your mind of any worries!

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 3..


with Yasmine Mosimann

Palestine for Peace? Olivia Urban Staff Writer

On Thursday November 29, the United Nations officially recognized Palestine as a non-member observer state. The United Nation General Assembly voted and an overwhelming of 138 to 9 votes changed the state’s status to the same as the Vatican’s status in the eyes of the United Nations, an action that has been long awaited by the Palestinians. Palestine wanted to establish an independent state in the pre-1967 borders, before the war between Israel occurred. The West Bank, the Gaza Strip and the Eastern Jerusalem are three regions that were the center of many disputes between both states. The on-and-off peace between the countries over the past 50 years has prevented them from coming to a conclusion on the territorial front. Palestine’s status before the vote took place was one of a permanent observer, meaning that they had free access to most meetings and relevant documentation. In 2011, Mahmoud Abbas, the President of Palestine, asked the United Nations for a full member-state status. This request was however refused by the Security Council of the UN. Later, President Abbas asked for the non-member observer state status. Palestinian citizens greatly anticipated a change: “We are celebrating because the Palestinians will get

observer membership of the United Nations. This will improve our political situation,” said Ehab Younis. This decision came to a vote by the United Nation General Assembly and reveled to be in strong favor of Palestine. Many European countries voted in support of the Palestinians and among the 9 countries that voted against this upgrade stood Israel and powerful ally, the United States. Canada also believed in keeping Palestine as a permanent observer. Fortyone countries abstained from voting, including Germany and the UK. Being upgraded to a non-member observer allows Palestine to participate in General Assembly debates and increases the chances of Palestine of being a full member state in the UN as well as the International Criminal Court. The new position is considered to be a step closer to peace, according to the Palestinians. It will allow them to strengthen peace negotiations on core issues between Israel and Palestine including the status of Jerusalem, the problem with the settlements, the precise location of borders and the right of return of Palestinian refugees, water rights and security arrangements according to BBC news. Israel’s reaction to this new position is spiteful. Israeli government office released this statement in response to the status upgrade: “This is a meaningless decision that will not change anything

on the ground. Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has made it clear that there will be no establishment of a Palestinian state without a settlement that ensures the security of Israel’s citizens... By going to the UN, the Palestinians have violated the agreements with Israel and Israel will act accordingly.” Over the past years, Israel has committed war crimes against the Palestine. They have violated human rights in the Gaza Strip region, which is inhabited by local civilians of Palestine and have committed illegal settlements on Palestinian territory, preventing an economic growth for Palestine as well as a peaceful coexistence between both

nations. The issue of Jerusalem is a fight for territory. Who should possess the capital? As a result, Israel fears that if the Palestinian state is granted the right to join the International Criminal Court, the newly appointed non member-state might create unnecessary problems. The peace negotiations will be taking a step backwards. The fact that 138 states were supportive of Palestine demonstrates the longing of peace that all nations possess for the Middle-East. After years of war and injustice, can this new status build towards a peaceful conclusion between Israel and Palestine?

According to a UN report, Rwanda has supplied the rebels with more soldiers, arms, and financing. On Saturday, December 1, the M23 rebels completed their departure from the city of Goma. Bertrand Bisimwa, a spokesman for M23’s political branch, says that the rebels will take back the city if negotiations haven’t started by Monday at 2 p.m. or if there are attacks made toward

the citizens of Goma. These negotiations include discussing the implementation of the 2009 accord, which gave the rebels positions in the Congolese army and recognition of their rank, and positions in government. After they seized Goma, they added a number of things to their list meant to re-establish good governance in Congo, including the liberation of all political prisoners.

Congolese rebels occupy Goma Abigail Vandzura Staff Writer

A group of Congolese rebels, known as M23, captured the major city of Goma on November 20, to the surprise of the rest of the world. They had been given two ultimatums by neighboring countries to leave the city. The first ultimatum ran out at midnight of November 27, with the rebels still patrolling the streets the next morning. The ultimatum had been issued by the International Conference for the Great Lakes Region, a group of east African nations, the previous weekend. After defying the first ultimatum, M23 announced their plans to move their headquarters to Goma later that week. The Congolese government and the political and military leaders of M23 met in peaceful meetings in Kampala, the capital of Uganda. The government was apparently favoring ‘the avenue of dialogue and peace,’ according to Congolese Prime Minister Augustin Matata Ponyo. The second ultimatum was issued by the same group of countries, and the

M23 rebels had to be out of the city on Friday the 30. The group had postponed their departure indefinitely, claiming they needed at least 48 hours more in Goma for ‘logistical reasons.’ With this delay, many thought the M23 did not intend to leave the city. Tens of thousands of civilians have been seen leaving the city of Goma toward refugee camps, where the UN and other aid organizations are trying to provide them with enough food and supplies, which is proving to be difficult. M23 was formed last April when they accused Congo’s government of not honoring a 2009 peace agreement. The agreement was that fighters of a now-demised rebel group would be allowed to join the Congolese army. M23 was created when soldiers in the army left, claiming parts of the accord were not respected. Since its creation, the group has occupied large amounts of territory in mineral-rich eastern Congo. The M23 rebels are allegedly supported by Rwanda and Uganda. It is believed that Rwanda was using M23 as a proxy to gain more control over the mineral-rich area around Goma.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 4..


with Yasmine Mosimann

The PQ thus far – not ground-breaking by any means Emma Sutherland Office Manager

When the PQ, led by Pauline Marois, was elected to govern Quebec earlier this fall, reactions ranged from relief to foreboding. While some felt that Marois would impose some direly needed changes in the aim of promoting the French language and freezing the much-contested university tuition hikes, others feared the beginning of a series of initiatives to choke out English-language resources and opposed some of her implications regarding the place of various ethnicities within Quebec’s society. Within their first full day in office, the PQ fulfilled their much-publicized campaign promise and cancelled the tuition hikes. This news was welcomed by the numerous students who at last saw the fruit of their labours, protests which lasted over one hundred days and were either applauded or condemned by individuals across the province. Months later, the first budget has been presented, and has passed, despite being heavily contested. In fact, the final tally was 49-48 votes and the reason for the victory was the fact that a sufficiently large number of liberals refrained from voting. The primary objective of the budget is to eliminate the

provincial deficit by the end of the 2013-2014 year. In order to do so, the government hopes to apply a series of measures, some of which are hotly disputed by its opposition. While the Liberal Government hoped to exploit the province’s natural resources, including minerals, forests and hydroelectricity in order to bring the province back to prosperity, Marois’ government hopes to make important cuts to infrastructure and program spending. As well, the budget aims to increase Quebec’s appeal as a tourist destination through promotion and increased awareness of its culture, and also for the province to be a leader in promoting measures to counter climate change. It also includes procedures to increase the quantity and level of services available to improve the quality of life of senior citizens. As well, the PQ hopes to make several changes to Bill 101 in an attempt to carry on its never-ending crusade to rescue Quebec’s culture and language. During her campaign, Marois promised to strengthen Bill 101, and she is being true to her word. The PQ feels that it is necessary to impose strict measures to promote the use of the French language, even if this means restricting the other tongues: according to Diane de Courcy, Quebec’s Language Minister, the new

Safety ignored – one dead, four injured Zack Duma Editor-in-chief

Back in February 2010, one Canadian solider was killed and four others were injured in a training accident with a claymore anti-personal explosive device. On December 1, 2012, Major Darryl Watts at age 44 is being charged in court with the death of Corporal John Barker and the injury of the four other Canadian soldiers. Commander Peter Lamont, the military judge conducting the court-martial case in Calgary is charging Maj. Watts with manslaughter, unlawfully causing bodily harm, breach of duty, and negligent performance of duty. Maj. Watts was in command of a platoon conducting a training exercise with the claymore explosive. The crown argued in the court case that the Major turned a blind eye to safety and thus failed in his obligations as leader during the exercise. “Maj. Watts, being the platoon commander having ordered his platoon onto that range, is responsible for the conduct of the range,” senior prosecutor Maj. Tony Tamburro said in an interview with reporters Saturday, who then added, “He can delegate certain tasks to his subordinates, but he still remains accountable for the way those tasks are performed.”

On the day of the incident the platoon was visiting the Kan Kala firing range. The initial test of the Antipersonal device was executed flawlessly. It was when they began continuously firing of the explosives that things took a turn for the worse. One device misfired and shot its 700 steel ball bearings backward, killing Cpl Barker and hitting the four others. This may at first seem like an accident, but video evidence was presented showing that the Major and several others stood around while conducting the exercise when Canadian safety laws clearly state that when doing any exercise with explosive devices, operatives should be in or behind armored vehicles or some other kind of blast shield. This is simply so that in the event of a misfire or some accident, the soldiers have an extremely small chance of being injured. Standing behind an explosive that you do not know how to operate is extremely unsafe and is a direct violation of this rule. The final result of the court case conducted last Saturday has not been revealed but Commander Lamont made it very clear to the jury that would decide the sentence for Major Watts, made evident when he stated, “It is my job — not yours — to decide what kind of punishment is appropriate.”

changes will inhibit the use of English in the workplace. Along the same vein, the Office Quebecois de la Langue Francaise expressed their wish that retailers modify their names in favour of francophone alternatives, or include a short saying in French to explain what they are selling. In response, several major labels, including Wal-Mart, Old Navy and Best Buy have taken the Quebec government to court to contest the demands, feeling that they should not be required to alter their

trademarks in order to sell products within the province. Marois government’s policies do not deviate from those that characterize the PQ- a strong sense of Quebec nationalism, as well as a fairly leftist approach both remain prevalent. It is still to be determined whether they will succeed in appealing to the province’s business sector, and whether they will manage to reconcile the Quebec culture with the numerous minorities which also occupy the territory.

Is Egypt backsliding into authoritarian rule? Yasmine Mosimann News Editor

Protests broke out once again in Cairo, Egypt, after President Morsi issued a decree, vastly increasing his powers and allowing him immunity from judicial review. This grand sweep for power prompted the largest protests since the revolution, which ousted previous President Hosni Mubarak. The administration and its political party, the Muslim Brotherhood, claim the action was necessary to avoid obstacles the remaining Mubarak-era judges are placing for them. It was only two weeks ago that

President Morsi was being praised for his role in brokering a ceasefire between the Israelis and Palestinians over the bombardment of Gaza. Now, however, he is under harsh criticism from many who worry of the country backsliding into authoritarian rule.They vow to continue protesting until the “new dictator” revokes the decree. Numerous Egyptians, however, wish to show that many still support the President and his actions, organizing opposing protests to show their allegiance. Just to add to the fire, a referendum is to be held over whether or not to adopt a controversial draft constitution, which legal experts claim restricts basic freedoms.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 5..

The Flock Ostrich Overlord Master of all birds

Beaks and Claws The fierce kick-squawker

Mrs. Paul The homemaker

Ruffled Feathers Reporter of nest affairs

Mating Call Sweet dulcet voice

Dead Big Bird Deep Thinker

Pecker The love guru

Doduo Happy feet

Commodus Emperor of spite

Ostrich Jockey Tetrominoes

Old Bird Ostrich elder

Dispatched Left the nest

Nestkeeper Post-apocalyptic manufacturer

Bird’s Eye Field photographer

Dispatched Left the nest

Dispatched Left the nest Slanderbatch is an insert that makes an appearance ever y seven (7) issues of Bandersnatch. Everything in this section is a complete work of fiction and/or satire. In fact, we put a great deal of effort into assuring that the content that you will see within the next few pages contain as little accuracy, seriousness and factual information as possible. By no means shoudld you take it seriously,whether it be as a literary work, a source of news or a means of expression. It may seem obvious, but every year a few people get agitated about the nonsense that they read here. All complaints will be relegated to the higher powers of comedic genius. In the event that they cannot be reached, it is also possible to direct your ire towards the members of the Ostrich Brotherhood. However, one must consider carefully before appealing to this top-secret organization- they are known to dispatch of their enemies in a cruel and stealthy manner. More than once, dismembered corpses have been found, as the only remains of individuals who were known to have angered, annoyed, or attempted to swindle the Brotherhood. How they accomplish this is not formally known, but the bodies are said to have been found with their chests sliced through with what would appear to be enormous claws. However, if you are willing to risk the physical harm, as well as the emotional damage that stems from being stalked by the Ostrich Brotherhood’s secret police, go ahead. Take this content straight to heart.

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 6..

Obituaries Evan Buckiewicz Sarwer The birds were singing on the day Evan Buckiewicz died. The sun was shining, the flowers were blooming, and the wind was whispering through the leaves. Under a grove of conifers, Evan awoke with a soft sigh, shivering from the chilly air that characterizes the eerie time directly after dawn. He had been dreaming of poems, stories and memories of times that came before. That morning, as he trod the woodland paths, fire-colored with fallen leaves, he pondered the deeper truths of life, as he had done every morning during the months had he had spent sleeping under the stars and wandering the wilderness on a never-ending personal quest for inspiration and inner peace. It was on that day that, lonesome and weary, he at last packed his pens and papers and proceeded back towards civilization. He noticed an overgrown path and followed it towards a paved road, where a vehicle appeared and its driver took one look at the tall, feral-looking man with the overgrown beard and tattered clothes and simply moved on. Evan sighed. At length, he spotted a crossroads and waited there for a few minutes before he spied a small car chugging over the hill. Hastily, he stepped out in front of it, thumb extended, only to trip on the carcass of a dead bird and fall face-first directly in its path. Moments later, the driver, shocked, slowly exited his car and stared in awe at Evan’s gore-covered carcass, splayed across the lane, limbs askew. Briefly, he considered his options. Finally, he decided to commemorate this stranger in the only way an artist knows. With reverence, he removed his camera from the backseat of his car and took an aerial shot of the body, centered within the frame at an artistic angle. The image was eventually published in an underappreciated, independent art journal, where no one bothered to put up a ruckus over its gory content simply because there were not enough readers to do so. If Evan were an animal, he would be a butterfly. If he were a kitchen appliance, he would be a microwave. He will be remembered for his endless whimsy and capacity to be excited about every single idea ever conceived. Godspeed.

Julie Reckziegel

Sarah Tayeh

It is with much sadness that we announce the tragic and most unfortunate passing of our Entertainment Editor, Julie Reckziegel. She fell to her most untimely demise Saturday, December 1, as she charitably gave her time to volunteering at Fairview to giftwrap for the local hospital. Julie, bless her, was having a ball, twirling through her kiosk, laughing, singing, and wrapping anything in her sight. According to passing shoppers she ruled with the ribbon, won with the wrapping, tamed the tape, and broke in the bows! She was in her element. It was only when a rogue Santa from the mall broke into the kiosk and began wrapping her that she began crying for help. Her screams were heard but no one was a match for the wrapping skills of Santa and his vaguely threatening Ho Ho Hos. He wrapped her so tight that her pretty package deceived her and cut off her air supply. As he heaved his bowl full of jelly out of the mall, manically shouting, “YOU BETTER WATCH OUT”, Julie was unwrapped by shoppers, but it was too late. She was last heard singing “Christmas Shoes”, later to be discovered in testimony as Mall Santa’s least enjoyed Christmas song. She will be greatly missed.

Earlier this week, our dearly beloved Sarah Tayeh left us forever. Arguably the best Production Manager we had last year, she strove continually to make Bandersnatch a better newspaper. With a ready laugh and a boisterous manner, she rallied our staff and whipped our copy-editors into productivity with gusto every Production, ensuring utmost journalistic quality. The person that she pushed the hardest, however, was herself. This may have been what ultimately led to her downfall. At the end of last year, Sarah assumed that she was finally safe from the tyrannical grip of Production. Her last important task before progressing on to university was her IA project, which seemed like it would be easy due to her excellent language and artistic skills... until Bandersnatch started creeping back in. “Make it look like a newspaper!” her teacher told her. So she did. In a twisted twist of events, she found herself once again in the Bandersnatch Production room, slaving away in InDesign to perfect her IA. Witnesses say that she disappeared into the room for days at a time, exiting only to grab a quick bite at the Munch Box and grumble about Sodexo before disappearing once again. Finally, after finishing her IA exhibition, she was free and ready to move onto a new life at university. She was incredulous that she had escaped in one piece. Bandersnatch would finally be able to thrive on its own without her assis—hold on. For one last time, Bandersnatch was in need of her assistance. She fervently joined the ranks of copy-editors, onscreening and InDesigning with a practiced hand. On Monday night, when everyone else had gone home, she remained, pouring her heart and soul into it... literally. She was never seen of again.

Appropriate ways to play in the snow as a teenager Mrs. Paul & friends The herd

As you grow older, playing in the snow becomes less socially acceptable. However, for those who are reluctant to give up the childish fun that this activity entails, here are a few ways of doing so. - Pretend you’ve never seen snow before - Offer to shovel the driveway - Go skiing/snowboarding and purposely wipe out - Strategically buy a big dog that will pull you to the ground on walks - Pretend to trip and fall, then stay

down - Pretend you’re looking for something (keys, etc.) - Pretend you lost your little sibling - You’re trying to find the largest snowflake for a world record - Pretend to be an environmentalist, and start a protest to ‘save the snow’ - Open up a snow cone booth in front of your house - Pretend your back is itchy and you can only relieve your scratch if you roll in the snow/ make snow angels - Announce that you’re going to dig to the center of the earth - Pretend to be very concerned for the safety of the public, and check

for yellow snow - Become a police officer and tackle pedestrians to the ground - Pretend to be studying architecture, and practice by making snow forts/ igloos - Reenact an epic historical battle, using red food dye as fake blood - Light yourself on fire/ pretend to be so insane you think you’re on fire - Pretend to be clinically insane and launch snowballs at everyone - Throwing a snowball for a dog to catch, then helping the dog find them - Tell everyone you’re performing a clinical study on hypothermia, and

the fastest ways to catch it - Tell everyone you’ve been living in a snow fort since you’ve been evicted - Convince everybody that aliens are attacking and the only way to defeat them is with an army of snowmen

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 7..

10 steps to surving the ostrich apocalypse

Nestkeeper Post-apocalyptic garment manufacturer

As the zombie-ostriches multiply with each passing day, survival will require that you use every ounce of cunning, bravery and strength. But there is still hope that you can be one of the survivors of this plague that is sweeping our world. Here’s how: 1. Know your enemy Zombie-ostriches enjoy shiny objects, which can be used to lure them into a trap or distract them from their prey. When choosing an outfit in order to face the undead, leave your gangster-bling at home, unless you intend to drape it on your enemies. 2. Target the neck Covered in thick, abundant feathers, as well as leathery skin, the torso is impossible to penetrate through the use of a regular firearm. Due to their long, fast strides, it is also unwise to aim at an ostrich’s legs or attempt to employ a trip line or landmine. Directing fire towards their heads would be the most effective option if they were not so small, and as a result,

the neck is the best target by far. 3. A lone ostrich is a better ostrich Divide and conquer should be your motto- It is always preferable to fight an ostrich in single combat, and when possible, employ all means necessary to isolate one from the rest of the group. However, beware- Lone ranger ostriches are non-existent, so always expect more to be on the way. 4. Know your combat techniques It is possible to momentarily stun the ostrich by placing a sock or pillowcase over their head to deceive them into thinking that it is nighttime. One can also position themselves behind or beside the creature since they cannot kick in those directions, and then pull them to the ground by gripping their neck. 5. Be well-equipped A powerful weapon or tool (blowtorch, chainsaw, etc.), as well as a stocking or other means of ostrichblinding are both vital. As well, a rope ladder is useful for reaching a shelter, since these creatures cannot climb.

6. Nip it in the bud The zombie-ostriches are still capable of laying eggs, and do so at an accelerated rate. These can easily be destroyed until the creature inside is no longer a threat. However, it is important to properly dispose of them in a secure location, since direct contact with the white or the yolk can perpetuate the disease. 7. Don’t touch the corpses If you happen to spot the remains of a poor soul that has been ravaged by a zombie-ostriches, stay away, no matter how tempted you may be to offer them a proper burial or loot the scene in order to steal all the weapons in sight. The disease spreads through bodily fluids. 8. Don’t run You can’t outrun an undead ostrich. This is a fact. However, it is possible to use its speed against it- If trapped within a horde of ravenous birds, a feasible option might be to jump on one’s back and ride it away. Avoid being cornered, but also avoid open spaces where it is easier for the ostrich to manoeuver or chase you down.

9. You can’t hide Though the disease decreases some of the ostriches’ faculties, such as their level of coordination and the speed of their reflexes, others have been strengthened, notably, their sense of smell. Crouching behind the nearest bush is a bad idea, since it will be upon you in a matter of seconds. 10. Have no mercy There is no trace of consciousness or emotion remaining in the ostriches’ hearts once they have been infected. They feel no fear or pain, only a boundless yearning for living flesh. Be brave, and do not be distracted by their large, innocent-looking eyes. Slaughter them as if your life depends on it- because it does.

JAC goes bankrupt: to be renamed “David Suzuki College” Dead Big Bird Deep Thinker

“He’s the author of 52 books – 92 for children.” – David Suzuki being introduced for his Seminar at John Abbott College The severe lack of chalk isn’t the only financial issue that our school will be facing in the near future. John Abbott College has recently gone in debt towards the David Suzuki Foundation, after agreeing to have the environmentalist visit the college, at a cost of over thirty-thousand dollars. While thirty thousand may not seem like much for a large institution like a college, after the heavy funding that went towards building the Science Building (soon to be renamed Suzuki’s Sassy Funhouse), John Abbot has severely overestimated its budget. The college will now be called

David Suzuki College, and a statue (made out of recycled aluminum) will be built in commemoration of him (see photo), on the field in front of Hertzberg (yes, this means several more years of not being able to cross through that field). Many more changes will be seen throughout the campus. During his visit here, David Suzuki mentioned that one of his objectives is “to put the ‘eco’ back into economics.” Nobody was very clear as to exactly what he meant by that… but in an attempt to follow the man’s vision, all hallways will be rounded at the corners so that echoes are more prominent throughout the school as a whole. Furthermore, in an effort to remedy the effects of Capitalism on our world, all courses related to the Commerce Program will be discontinued. Commerce students will all be transferred into either Creative Arts, Liberal Arts, or Arts and Sciences – and

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 8..

will be scheduled into Environmental Ethics courses. There will also be a fundamental shift within the paradigm of the classroom setting. Teachers will be encouraged to listen more, because, after all, “teachers have to listen too.” Therefore there will be a period taking up approximately a third of class-time in every course, where students will discuss the subject at hand, with the teacher doing his or her best to hear and comprehend all that is said. Exact details are still being worked out. Finally, the David Suzuki Foundation will be incorporating numerous environmentally beneficial projects within the scheme of the campus. All cafeteria food will be organic. Vending machines will no longer provide corporately marketed products, but will offer kelp chips instead. Finally, an animal-rescue center will be set up within several of the fields on campus. Wildlife preservation areas

will be maintained throughout the property. In particular, numerous ostriches are said to have been imported into the school. “We’re all doomed,” a commenter commented.

“When this photo first appeared in the Canadian Media, many believed it was computer generated. It wasn’t.”

The haunting at Brittain Hall Pecker The love guru Have you passed by the decaying remnants of Brittain Hall lately? Perhaps you’ve noticed something peculiar amidst the rest of Abbott’s serene backdrop. Or maybe it was the frightful chills followed by goosebumps that sparked your attention. If you listen real close, you can still hear the boys’ snickering laughter or heavy footsteps. Boys being boys, it almost goes without saying that they caused trouble. However, Brittain Hall hosted a special set of boys. Sure, they had their share of fun: they enacted strenuous hazing ceremonies, sneaked into the girls’ dormitories, and streaked during parties. But at the end of the day, the boys never felt completely at home. Even when they tried to shake it off, they were never at ease. When they were sound asleep, the strangest of situations would occur. Doors would spring open during the dead of

Zombriches are coming Ostrich Overlord Master of all birds Do you ever wake up and things just don’t feel right? Like when you sleep through your alarm and you know that it’s no longer 6 a.m? It didn’t take a genius to know that things weren’t right this morning. I awoke to the sounds of screams and things breaking in the distance. Startled, I half rolled, half fell out of bed, knocking all of my papers off my desk in the process. Clearly, something had just happened and whether it was a burglary or a murder it was my civilian duty to go and stare at the scene and possibly post it on Instagram. That’s when I noticed something. The breaking glass had come from the door that led outside from my room and there, lying not two feet from my face was a greenish, ugly, rotted carcass. It looked like a bird, a giant bird at that. I jumped up and looked at the body before I noticed that despite all of the glass imbedded in it, the cadavre was starting to shift and move. That’s when it hit me: this wasn’t just a bird, it was an ostrich, and it wasn’t just and ostrich-it was a zombie-ostrich. Quickly, I realized that I needed to dispatch this undead, and to do that I needed a weapon. I looked around and found my trusty giant rubber hammer that I had won at a fair over the

night and a woman’s whispers would haunt their nightmares. Influenced by evil supernatural forces, they took their games and tricks to the next level. It all began with a poor, harmless cat and slowly escalated to humans. As one of their initiation rituals, the boys had to kill the housekeeper’s cat. They snuck into the underground tunnels, slit its throat with shards of glass and hung it by a rope. By their own vicious nature, the boys gained pleasure from the pain they inflicted on others. They ganged up on the frailest boy and locked him in the tunnels. When the frightened boy reported the abuse, no one fessed up. If fingers were pointed, everyone claimed guilty. In a secret stairwell at the rear of the house, the boys would recite spells in order to gain contact with the evil spirits. The fire of 1981 was no accident. The boy’s treacherous ploys ignited the black magic. Suddenly, one

gloomy night, the Hall went up in flames. Many boys grabbed their belongings and escaped the scorching flames, but a few unlucky ones were left behind. Prior to the fire, the boys locked the stern headmaster in his room, a trick they would play on him sporadically. His charred corpse was found by the window. Even today, scratches and handprints stain the windowpane. The fire cornered boys in the stairwells, pool and gym. Misfits who

summer. I took a swing and noticed that an ostriches’ head is quite small and as a result, I missed. I then hit its neck, breaking it. Although the mouth was still opening and closing and its eyes were following me it seemed to have lost the capacity to move the lower half of its body. Thankfully, I had decided to fill the hammer with rocks shortly after I had won it. I got dressed and grabbed my emergency zombie outbreak backpack, hoping that I would be prepared for this new threat. I grabbed my dad’s car keys

and left the apartment. Luckily, I had my map of destinations in my backpack, with the pharmacy first in the list. I drove the best that I could, but when I looked in my rearview window, I saw the most horrible thing that I had ever seen: another ostrich. Not just any old bird, as this one was slightly greenskinned as well, but its beak and feathers were splattered with blood. There were three of them chasing after me. They were clearly infected and on the one in the middle rode a man wearing a mask of an ostrich face. Baffled

raided the building after the fire hung each corpse from the suspended running track. Brittain Hall is more than just a crumbling building on the verge of collapsing. It is haunted by the screams of the dead, the dead that may very well be alive. If you get too near the building, yellow eyes will peer out at you from the broken-down windows. Grunts and shrieks echo throughout the dingy hallways. Although no electricity runs through the abandoned dorms, lights flicker on and off during the winter months. Thinking of breaking and entering? I would be very careful. Very few make it out alive. Either the festering smell of rot clogs their airways or they are shocked into death by the horrors they encounter. To signalize the beginning of the apocalypse, an odd flock of ostriches have begun to lay nests in the building. Linked to an ancient source of Wicca, these rambunctious birds only hasten the process of awakening the dead.

by this, I was forced to slam on the breaks because I almost drove through a building. The lead ostrich caught up to me and jumped on the roof of the car, I noticed that the animal was wearing a beret and the man on it was asking me to get out of my vehicle. Before I knew it, I was dragged out of the side window by one of the other birds. “Who are you?” I asked. “I’m you and this ostrich here is Paul. Here, this will explain everything.” he replied. He handed me a folded-up piece of paper, and on it was the date and a long paragraph explaining that zombie ostriches would rise up and that I would be their overlord. It was predicted that all of this would occur on December 21, 2012. That’s when one of the ostriches wound up and kicked me straight in the nuts. I woke up, and even though that kick wasn’t real my balls still hurt. I looked at my door and saw that it was not broken. “OK” I thought, “It was just a dream”. Then I noticed something in my pajama pants’ pocket. The note was still there except that it now read, “Zombriches are coming!”

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 9..


The world has yet to wake


Jessica Ford Contributor

Margaret Ta Contributor

It’s still early in the morning, And the world has yet to wake, But I have stories to be told, And it seems they just won’t wait.

Julia Weber Contributor

“What made you want to drive buses?” “Rain.” “Give me something to work with, eh?” “When it rains, puddles form by sidewalks, I like the splash.” “I see. So, tell us: how do you feel about the uniforms?”

The sky is a certain combination, Of a pink and purple hue, That shines before the sin rises, And alights the world in blue. The trees are still and silent, In anticipation for the rise, Of that burning ball of fire, To illuminate the skies. Every now and then a bird will flutter, Having awoken too early from its nest, And being too awake for sleep, Will watch the sun reverse its set. There is a message in this time of day, That in writing poetry, I seem to get, That means all in the world is happy, For the hardships of the day haven’t happened yet.

Between the Tracks t.j. contributor

When the sun finally declines, The grass is burnt on both sides.

Birds on a Wire Sara Lazarek Contributor

Dearest friend, may we search for a field Where no earthly sun shines. Where nothing is born, and nothing dies?

“You mean this thing?” “The navy polyester sheathing your body? Yes.” “It’s all right.” “Just all right?” “Why don’t you ask about my kids or something?” “Okay. Do you have kids?” “Yeah, three.” “Where are they?” “The girls are at home. My boy is overseas.” “Fighting?” “Running.” “From what?” “A life behind desks, so he says.” “How long has he been gone?” “April. Since last April.” “You must miss him.” “You ever miss someone?” “Yeah. My sister.” “Did she run off, too?” “Tried to. A car hit her first.” “Shit. I’m sorry.” “It’s all right.” “How’d you deal with it?” “Just kept moving, I guess.” “That’s exactly my point, kid.” “Want a smoke?”


Christophe D’Antonio Contributor

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 10..

Artist highlight: Matt Hammond-Collins and his upcoming art show Evan Sarwer Arts Editor

Matt Hammond-Collins, a Fine Arts student graduating this semester, known by many as “Sixfish,” will be holding his first solo art show on Friday, December 14th, from 6:00 to 9:00 (pm), at Eva B (2013 St. Laurent – a short walk from St. Laurent Metro Station), on the second floor. The event is free, open to all, will have refreshments such as cheese, juice, tea – and will feature highlights of Matt’s artistic career up to this point. Matt joined the Fine Arts program in the Fall of 2010, after being rejected from Sciences. Despite his early plans

to switch into Pathways to Science after one semester, he soon realized he had found his calling in Fine Arts. Matt had an interest in making images since early childhood, and the program nourished that interest. So, he decided to stay. A major turning point in Matt’s artistic path was during a “sophisticated New Years’ event,” during the winter break that followed, where he encountered the artwork of Kaeli Starfield, whose pieces embellished the room. Her use of fluorescent paints and UV ray lighting would profoundly affect the young artist. “The room appeared to be dark from the threshold,” he described, “but as you entered, the massive and colourful murals came to life and lit the space with this psychedelic ambiance.” He would look at the glowing paintings for hours, in a trance, “hues would just glide in and out in different intensities; it made it so that what I was looking at seemed actually alive, there was a sense of something present in there that wasn’t just a picture or a painting of a landscape.” It was this “presence,” that Matt would begin to seek to create in his own artwork. But it would only be after a year of studying basics and obtaining a proper foundation in Fine Arts that he could tackle the blacklight-reactive medium that Starfield

dealt with. The fourth semester Exhibition Project (the Fine Arts equivalent of I.A or I.S projects) was the perfect opportunity. It asked for its students to apply all of their acquired knowledge gained up to that point. Matt combined sculpture and painting for the first time, as well as adding a layer of special Clearneon paint. The final product, titled Expansion of the Mind, was the first example of what would become one of his signature styles: the piece has two versions: one under natural light, the other under blacklight.

The alternative versions complement each other – two halves to a single whole. Matt has further explored this approach with great success, and is one of the very few in Montreal working in the medium. Unfortunately this arts section does not have enough space to adequately preview his oeuvre, but you can find more of Matt’s work on his website: His art show should be a unique experience – come and support this fresh and upcoming artist!

Expansion of the Mind: in both its natural light and blacklight represented forms

Anonymous Purging

My Missing Moonbeams

Petr Barykine Contributor

Patrick Gould Contributor

Buzz the Buzzard Emma Sutherland Office Manager

If I could make a candle From all the things I never learned I`d be grateful for the light And I`d welcome all the burns. If I could make a lover out of moonbeams and maybes, We`d run away to candyland, have some bouncing blue-cheese babies.

Map to Happiness Naiyana Phaodit Lavigne Contributor

Scenic Mountain View 1 Ellis Roberts Contributor

Where can we find happiness? Is it from the love we receive? Or is it from our accomplishments? Please stop searching, because it may destroy your true happiness

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 11..

Is porn creating unrealistic standards? Holly Abbott-Brewin Contributor

The porn industry attains revenues upwards of ten billion dollars annually in the United States alone. This powerful and highly successful business produces a wide variety of pornographic material, the most popular of which is in the form of explicit videos. These videos that were often available for rent in video stores prior to the Internet are now constantly circulating online. They’re not hard to find either; a simple Google search of the word “porn” brings up countless websites dedicated to providing viewers with innumerable pornographic videos. With the accessibility of porn online, practically available to all ages, more and more young adults and teenagers, a lot of whom are underage, are turning to porn out of curiosity and enjoyment. Why not? Sex is completely natural, and being curious about sex is completely natural too. But has the porn industry gone too far in catering to their viewers wants? Most porn videos depict unrealistic circumstances in which a man and a woman, or

otherwise a homosexual coupling, meet and instantly have sex while cheesy music plays in the background. The actors in these films (yes, they are acting) exaggerate their movements and emotions just as regular actors would. These fake bouts of ecstasy, as well as male and female physique and performance, which are often aided by the use of drugs, like Viagra, create unrealistic standards for those engaging in sexual activity in real life. It is normal to be curious about

sex and to turn to porn to get information, but the depictions of men and women in these videos are highly unrealistic. The women have completely flawless and hairless bodies, and the men, though not as scrutinized and needlessly model-esque as the women, tend to have larger penises than the average man. The pornographic industry, like the modeling industry, tries to mold the ideal woman and man, and creates unrealistic standards against which normal people must often

compete. The porn industry presents us with these versions of the “ideal man/woman”, which can lead to very high sexual and physical expectations and an eventual lack of confidence. A recent study conducted on the effects of porn on the level of attractiveness of a person of the opposite sex showed that men in particular found a person of the opposite sex much less attractive after being exposed to porn than before. Also, men who found the PlayBoy model type more attractive rated themselves as less in love with their wives. The porn industry is subtly deceptive towards its audience. Models never pretended to be average, and are considered to have unattainable levels of attractiveness by many yet, the porn industry works so hard to create the kind of everyday erotic situations in which a person can simply place him or herself that people begin to believe they need to look like the actors plastered all over porn sites. These unrealistic physical standards as well as unrealistic sexual standards are confusing to young people, and can even cause them to objectify those around them.

The right kind of holiday spirit Bee Clarke Assistant Editor-in-Chief

I’m not going to lie, I’m not a huge fan of the holidays. Now, don’t get me wrong, it isn’t because I don’t approve. I’m not one of those people that will get super offended if you say merry Christmas to me or if you have a Christmas tree up outside your house. I just don’t understand why people go crazy. Isn’t the whole point of the holidays, no matter what you celebrate, just about being with people you love? I think the thing about the holidays that I understand the least is the mass consumerism. I work retail, and I’ve been working retail in various locations (including fairview) for years now. Watching people buy pointless bits of tack just baffles me. I understand that you want to show the people that you love how much you appreciate them, but is buying them piles of useless plastic trinkets that they’ll never use really the way to do it? As a rule of thumb I won’t

buy anything for anyone if I don’t think they’ll use it. Also, people who complain about “spending far too much on Christmas”....can’t you just set a budget and stick to it? The other big thing I don’t understand about Christmas is how people seem to expect to get all the really expensive lovely gifts. Apple might tell you that if someone loves you they’ll buy you an iPad, but I feel

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 12..

like that shouldn’t be the case. Personally, I’d rather get a little, well thought out gift than an expensive thoughtless one. I’d rather get a really good book that I can lose myself in than a new iPod just because mine’s an old model now. You see so many people who get upset because daddy didn’t buy them a new iPhone for Christmas, but they aren’t grateful for what they did get.

Maybe I’m just jaded and miserable, and maybe I just don’t get it because I don’t have an enormous extended family and the family I do have doesn’t go overboard on plastic trinkets, tacky decorations or weeks of preparation, but I do feel like we do Christmas right. Christmas for me is about having too much wine by noon, arguing with my parents about pointless snazz and watching the Doctor Who Christmas special. It’s minimal, but it’s cozy. We don’t care if our decorations match (they don’t, not a single pair among the space ships and crippled looking bears on our tree!) or if we have the most extravagant turkey dinner, and I feel like that’s what Christmas should be. The one day of the year where I hangout at my parents, bicker with my siblings, eat too much, drink too much and everyone is happy about it. So don’t you think you ought to put that credit card away, and just tell the people you love that you love them?

Best of Christmas

Concert recommendations for December

The holidays are fast approaching! In light of this festive mood, Bandersnatch staff voted on their favourite holiday songs, albums and TV specials...

Dina Willis Staff Writer

... and these are the ones that came out on top!

Favourite songs: “All I Want For Christmas Is You” – Mariah Carey “Little Drummer Boy” – David Bowie and Bing Crosby

Favourite albums: Christmas – Michael Bublé Merry Christmas, Baby – Rod Stewart

Favourite specials: A Charlie Brown Christmas Home Alone

Happy Holidays!

Gootie cooties Sarah Tayeh Entertainment

The YouTube success story is one that we are all slowly becoming more and more familiar with. Alex Goot along with Luke Conard, Chad Sugg, Julia Sheer, Cory and Against the Current are all YouTube musicians/performers and oversold tickets at La Tulipe on November 23. There was no waiting around for your favorite performer to go on. Except for Alex Goot, everyone else was at their own Merch table signing and interacting with their fans free of charge before and after their performances. One of my favorite things about small venues for concerts is that they feel much more intimate than concerts at the Bell Center. This is especially true for YouTube performers who know what it’s like to have only one degree of separation (the internet) from their viewers. Luke paused in between two songs to turn his back and take a video

of him with his fans in the background to put on his vlog, which most fans will most likely go and see later. A true place for geeking out, Luke Conard played songs about Harry Potter, The Hunger Games and a love song for his girlfriend Ingrid who came on the stage to give out a free shirt. An amazing surprise was hearing Chad Sugg play. Not having heard him before, he completely blew me away after his first song “25” from his new album Was, which I think everyone should go listen to right now. He also did an amazing cover of “Such Great Heights” by the Postal Service. Lots of covers as well as original songs were played throughout the night and Julia Sheer did not disappoint fans when she played her cover of “Wanted” by Hunter Hayes. Alex Goot has quite some stage performance power and there isn’t much else to say. He played a mix of covers, some old songs, and some new songs from his most recent album

The semester is coming to an end and we’re about to be faced with a complete month of free time. There are endless options to fill this time, and I for one, am going to take this as an opportunity to see some great bands live. December and January so far seem pretty eventful so I thought I’d share what I’m personally looking forward to during the break. The first show I’ve been looking forward to for a while now is Eluveitie at Club Soda on December 15 th. Eluveitie are a relatively new band to the Folk Metal scene has definitely started building up their fan base. I saw them last February alongside Children of Bodom and they definitely put on a great show. The female vocals by Anna Murphy were just incredible and hearing the whole band together was great. For those unfamiliar with the genre of Folk Metal, it is what the name implies: a fusion of metal and folk music. Eluveitie, a Swiss band, has the usual components of a metal band, rhythm and lead guitar, vocals, drums and bass, but also introduces instruments that give the genre its folk sound: violins, bagpipes, whistles, pipes, mandola, hurdy-gurdy.

I’ve been looking forward to this show since it was announced a few months ago, and I know for a fact that Eluveitie will put on another incredible, high-energy show. Opening for them will be Finnish melodic death metal band Wintersun and Varg, a Viking metal band from Germany. Another show I’m definitely looking forward to is Alexisonfire. During their Farewell tour, they play on both the 22 nd and 23 rd of December at Metropolis. Both dates are already sold out, so if you’re one of the lucky ones who bought a ticket, or manage dto find one somewhere else, you’re definitely in for a great show. Farewell tours are often something bittersweet. There’s the rush of seeing a band you enjoy, yet there’s still that knowledge that they’re probably never going to be performing in your city again. It’s like witnessing history in the making, or the end of an era. The band announced their breakup in August of 2011, due to some band members pursuing other projects as well as other personal issues within the remaining members. In July of 2012, they spoke of having some final shows, and planned a nine-date Farewell tour. Due to the demand, the tour has been extended to 15 dates, including the two Montreal dates. This is definitely a show I don’t want to miss.

Atmosphere. I personally prefer his covers, which he always seems to make his own, especially his cover of “A Thousand Miles” by Vanessa Carlton, which he opened up with as part of his set. Alex Goot played on a large white piano with an accompany band and

Chad Sugg as the guitarist. If you search YouTube, you will see how all of these artist have collaborated with each other numerous times. That has made this show one of the best I’ve seen so far. and one that I won’t be soon forgetting.

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 13..

Walking towards the apocalypse Zack Duma Editor-in-Cheif

Those who regularly use platforms like Steam or the Xbox Live store on a regular basis probably already know that the most popular zombie apocalypse graphic novel and show, The Walking Dead, has released a game on these aforementioned platforms. On Xbox 360, you have to buy the game by the episode for about 400 Xbox Live points each, or on Steam for PC with all five episodes costing about $25. Unlike the show, which follows the lives of Rick, Shane and Carl, in the game you have a whole new story with two new characters, Clementine and Lee. You follow these characters through the five episodes (or chapters) of the game, meeting other survivors along the way in this apocalypse. Your quick thinking, planning, and choices define who lives and who dies, and in some cases they do die. You can chose to save some and to kill others, and sometimes you have to make a choice to save only one. This game isn’t a first person shooter, or a third person, or even a

top-down real time strategy type game. This game has a fairly new and original game play style: the whole things runs as if you’re being told a story, but you are required to make a choice, ranging from taking a person’s side or choosing to help someone or not. Other times, you have to go through a quick-time event in order to save yourself from oncoming zombies (walkers). The game does a really good job of making itself very survival oriented. A good

portion of the time, the game seems very realistic. Guns and weapons are hard to find, noise attracts walkers, food, and medicine are the number one priority. Something that some people were annoyed with, but I actually enjoyed is that when the game first came out in May, not all the episodes were availible – only one was. Every month or so a new episode was released to play through and although we were told

that there were five in total, and it was just two weeks ago that the final episode was released. This was interesting because if you got the game when it first came out, you couldn’t look up online what was going to happen if chose one action or another. Instead, you were left to make your own decisions and you would have no idea how they were really going to impact the story until the next episode, or sometimes even a few episodes later. It was this aspect that gave the game the realistic edge because in reality, if you make a decision today, you’re not really going to know how it’s going to impact your life in a week, a month, or a year. The style of the game was just great in general; they decided to go with a drawn style that resembles the Borderlands series art style. Overall, I really enjoyed the game. The story was interesting and always kept the game fresh. In the end, I would give the game a 90/100 because it was very good but also very short, and not too interactive at times. As for the length it has been rumored that there will be more seasons episodes to come.

gun and defeated them to finally bring back the money to the guy. Problems like these get you thinking about what you could do to fix a problem, and be creative at that. However, at one point, I got a little frustrated over what the solutions were supposed to be for certain missions. I felt like I was concentrating more on the gamepad than the TV. To me, that wasn’t really a problem and I feel it’s one of those relaxing kinds of games that you can just sit down and have a good time with. New Super Mario Bros. U is a game I played for a bit on both the Gamepad and the Wii Remote. I have to say that it’s pretty much the same game as the previous Mario

game except the new flying squirrel powerup and the baby Yoshis. It looks great and this is a no brainer if you want to get this game. It’s still great. Nintendo Land is one of the big games I was looking forward to the most. I only played three of the mini-games that were in the game: Mario Chase, Luigi’s Ghost Mansion and Takamaru’s Ninja Castle. The most that I played was Mario Chase and it’s really fun. It’s probably the best mini-game I played in the game so far. It’s pretty much hide and seek but sometimes the simplest approach is the best. The Luigi game is pretty much the opposite of Chase so whoever is on the Gamepad has to be the ghost. Ninja

Castle is like an on-rails shooter similar to House of the Dead. ZombiU is one of the most anticipated games on the Wii U for me. I was intrigued by the different take on the survival horror genre. I played it for 45 minutes and I have to say, I’m impressed. It seems like Ubisoft loves to support new hardware and this is the game that best uses most of the features of the Wii U Gamepad. At first, it was slow to learn everything, but once you learn everything, it’s really fun and nerve-wracking at the same time going around in a postapocalyptic, zombie outbreak London. The last game I played was SiNG Party. Yes, a karaoke game. I sang three songs, in public no less, and I have to say that it’s just karaoke. Its not even point-based like Karaoke Revolution Party or Rock Band; you just sing and have fun with your friends. The lyrics appear on the game pad and the chorus appears on the TV so this is supposed to be a party game. Now I know that I probably won’t get it, but I can see plenty of people buying it if they want to have some fun. For my first impressions, I have to say I’m really excited for the Wii U. I can’t wait to see what can be done on the console and I recommend getting the Wii U. I know that I’ll get it soon and if you already have it, get some of the games mentioned. Happy holidays and see you next semester!

Wii U first impressions Constantino “Tino” Montelli Games & Tech Editor

Last week, Fairview Mall had Wii U demonstration units on display with many Nintendo representatives showing many of the launch title games to show to the public what the Wii U actually is. So for two days straight, I went to Fairview and played the newest games on the new next-gen Nintendo system. There were about seven Wii U units and four 3DS systems there. The many games that they showed were Nintendo Land, New Super Mario Bros. U, Fifa 13, Scribblenauts Unlimited, Disney’s Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two, Just Dance 4, SiNG Party and ZombiU. I played five out of the eight games mentioned and I’ll tell you what I thought of them. Scribblenauts Unlimited was the first game I played, and I have to admit that I had never played a Scribblenauts game before. The point of the game is to solve problems using Maxwell’s magical notebook to conjure up anything he writes. At one point in the game, I had to get this guy’s money back from bandits. I can’t just walk in to their hide out, so I typed in a mask and got to get inside. So the money is in the safe, so I thought, “Why not TNT?” Once I blew up the safe and got the money the bandits noticed and try to attack me, so I typed in a

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 14..

Sports With Casey Dulson

Sports news with Casey at bat Lebron James named Sports Illustrated Sportsmen of the year. Bret Bielema has accepted the head coaching position at Arkansas. He has led Wisconsin to three straight Rose Bowls including this season which they posted an 8-5 record. World Junior teams have been announced. Canada has one Canadiens prospect, Charles Hudon who plays for Chicoutimi in the QMJHL. He has 25 goals this season and 41 assists. The United States picked the habs’ first rounder from this year, Alex Galchenyuk. Galchenyuk has 20 goals with the OHL’s Sarnia Sting in the OHL. Heisman Finalists have been announced. No suprises in the finalists. Colin Klein from Kansas State, Johnny Manizel from Texas A & M, and finally Manti Te’o from Notre Dame. History could be made if Manizel or Teo win. Manizel could be first freshman to win or Teo could be the first defence player to win it. Year in review San Francisco Giants – World Series Champs, led by Marco Scutaro New York Giants – Super Bowl Champs, led by Quarterback Eli Manning Los Angles Kings – Stanley Cup Champs, led by their goalie Jonathan Quick. First eighth seed team to win the cup Miami Heat – NBA Champs, led by Lebron James Masters – won by Bubba Watson BCS Champs – Alabama Crimson Tide NHL Strike Olympics – United States won the most medals Predicitions for next year St Louis Cardinals or Toronto Blue Jays will be crowned World Series Champs. Houston Texans will host the Super Bowl in Febuary. Minnesota Wild will hoist the Stanley Cup in June. Miami Heat will repeat as NBA Champs. Notre Dame will win the BCS Champship.

Beckham, Donovan’s last hurrah Casey Dulson Sports Editor

January 2007: David Beckham announces that he’s leaving Real Madrid at the end of the season due to a contract he just signed with the Los Angeles Galaxy in the MLS, worth 250 million for fiveyears. 2005: San Jose Earthquakes trade their star Landon Donavan to his hometown team, the Los Angeles Galaxy. 2011: Robbie Keane, Ireland’s Captain, joined the Galaxy as their third designated player, the other two being Beckham and Donovan. Designated players are players who don’t count against your team’s salary cap. The benefit of having this in the MLS is teams can go out and offer contracts to star players who play in Europe. Flash forward to December 1, 2012: The Los Angeles Galaxy play the Houston Dynamo for a chance to become the champs of the MLS. This was a rematch of last year’s finals in which the Galaxy were victorious. Before the game started, Beckham annouced that this would be his last game in the MLS. It was also highly believed that this would be Landon Donovan’s last game as a member of the Galaxy, and possibly in the MLS. As the confetti falls to celebrate the victory of the Galaxy once again as champs of the MLS in a 3-1 victory over

the Dynamo, Landon Donavan raises the MLS cup on a little stage in the middle of the field. Donovan, the greatest American soccer player of all-time, helped put American soccer on the map. He started his career with San Jose in 2001. He helped them win two MLS Cups in 2001 and 2003. He has been to Europe a couple of times in loans before the MLS Season started. The first was with Bayer Leverkusen II, a Germen club in 1999. He also returned in 2004. In 2008, he made a stop with the Germany’s best team, Bayern Munich. The next year he went to England to play for Everton where he also returned to play in 2011. But Donovan’s biggest impact has been in the MLS. Beckham is a different story. He started his career in 1994 with Manchester United and played there until 2003, when he signed a contract with Real Madrid, the best Spanish team at the time and played there until 2007. Beckham also went on to play for AC Milan in 2008 and 2009 before the MLS Season started. His greatest impact was with England during the World Cups and also with Manchester United where he helped them win six premier league championships. He will be remembered in the United States for helping put the MLS on the map for international stars to come play in the states like Thierry Henry who transfered from

Arsenal to the New York Redbulls in 2010. Before his arrival there was only thirteen teams, now today there are nineteen including three in Canada. What will the future hold for Beckham and Donovan? I only hope that Donovan will end up playing in the English Premier League (EPL) and for Beckham, who knows, maybe he will become a minority owner of the Galaxy because Anschutz Entertainment Group is looking to sell the team. My best guess is he’ll go back to England and play for Manchester United. But what we do know is Beckham and Donavan won’t be in a Galaxy uniform on March 2.

executives who won’t budge at all, not much progress will be made. This is exactly what happened. After only two days of meetings with these mediators, negotiations broke off once again with both sides claiming that no progress had been made. Fortunately, they seem to want to take every measure that would help in making progress. On Sunday afternoon, the NHL announced that a face to face meeting would take place between just the Owners and Players themselves. It is confirmed as of Sunday night that the Owners of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Winnipeg Jets, Calgary Flames, Boston Bruins, Tampa Bay Lightning, and Pittsburgh Penguins will be in attendance. This gives both sides a chance to meet on a more informal basis and hopefully get both sides to illustrate exactly what they really want as part of the next Collective Bargaining Agreement. Perhaps, some of the miscommunication between representatives on both sides will be established. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman and NHLPA Executive Donald Fehr will not be present at the meeting, although each side will have a limited number of

staff or counsel present. I honestly think both the owners and players themselves aren’t as selfish as the media makes them out to be. It’s a given that both sides want to get back on the ice as soon as possible, although it really doesn’t seem that way, especially for Gary Bettman. The 60 year-old veteran has held office since 1993 and caused three lockouts since then. Regardless, it will take someone, or one side, to step up and forfeit. This is the inconvenient truth, but this lockout is at a stage now where significant progress must be made in order to have at least a partial season. NHL games have been cancelled through December 14th as well as the Winter Classic and 2013 Allstar game in Columbus, Ohio. Let’s hope this player-owner meeting sparks significant progress that snowballs into a new Collective Bargaining Agreement that will bring the NHL back to the ice.

NHL, NHLPA still far apart Matthew Shanahan Staff Writer

Here we are, in the beginning of December, and a Collective Bargaining Agreement between the NHL and the NHLPA is still far away from being completed. Many people who have been optimistic throughout this whole thing are starting to turn pessimistic, as the hopes of even having a partial season are sub-par at this point. Every time progress has been made, both sides have failed to build on the progress, and take a step back in the negotiation process. But even in these hard times, there has to be optimism. The owners and players have never failed to go more than a week without meeting to discuss the issues. But I feel as if they’ve tried everything they can in order to get a deal done. Last week, a very mature, yet obvious decision was made. That was to bring in federal mediators to help the owners’ and the players come to a consensus. But little did I know, the mediators had no power. All they can do is propose solutions that either side can take or leave at their own will. Unfortunately, when you have two

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 15..

Sports With Casey Dulson

John Abbott sports press release Women’s hockey wins against college Lafleche Saturday afternoon, the Lady Islanders (8-6) closed out the first semester with a 3-0 win over Collège Laflèche. Julie Iannuzzi opened up the scoring with a goal midway through the first period. The Lady Isles’ second goal only came early in the third period when Marie-Pier Corriveau’s shot deflected on one of Laflèche’s defense and found the back of the net. Tonia Nucciarone completed the scoring with an empty net goal with 25 seconds left in the game. Goaltender Sarah Lussier was credited for the shutout win. Both Corriveau and Nucciarone were also credited for an assist. Men’s basketball drops two road games The Men’s basketball team (4-7) played against the Cegep ÉdouardMontpetit Lynx last Friday night and lost 59-56. The first half saw a lacklustre effort from both squads, with the Lynx outscoring the Isles 25-19. The third quarter was better for the Isles as they outscored the Lynx 18-12, but they were still trailing the Lynx 40-37 at the buzzer. In the final quarter, both teams played with intensity and the

game was more exciting, with several lead changes, but it was the Lynx that came up with the winning basket with a few seconds left. Charles Miller paced all scorers with 24 points, followed by Shan Sinnathurai with 14 points and 11 rebounds. On Sunday, the Isles played their last league game before the Christmas break against first place Champlain St-Lambert and come up short, losing in overtime 87-77. The Isles fell behind by 11 points in the first half, 45-34, but in the third quarter, it was a different story for the Isles as they outscored the Cavaliers 19-10 in the quarter and trailed St-Lambert 55-53. The fourth quarter saw the Isles continue to improve their play and with 1.6 second left in regulation, Sinnathurai was able to tie the game and send it into overtime. However, the Isles were unable to carry their momentum into overtime and were outscored 14-4 in the five minutes overtime. The Isles had five players scoring in double digits with Sinnathurai (20 points and 7 rebounds); Miller (14 points); Chris Doumpa (13points and 12 rebounds) and Ricardo Monge and Cam Roy with 10 points apiece.

Wednesday, december 5, 2012 | Volume 42, Issue 07- 16..

Women’s basketball drops two road games On Friday night, the Lady Islanders (1-8) travelled to TroisRivieres and lost 63-56 to the Diablos of Cegep de Trois-Rivières. Second year guard Joy Celine Bermillo led the attack with 17 points, while Olivia Brown had 15 points and Latifah Roach chipped in 12 points. The Lady Islanders had started the game well, building a 30-25 lead by halftime, only to see the Diablos slowly make their comeback and outscoring the Lady Isles 38-26 in the final two quarters. Sunday afternoon, the Lady Isles played against Collège Champlain in St-Lambert and lost 72-36. Bermillo paced the Lady Isles attack once again with 10 points. The Lady Isles trailed Champlain 30-23 at halftime, but a disastrous shooting performance in the second half of the game sunk their fate. Men’s volleyball team struggles The Isles had a tough tournament last weekend as they continue to battle injuries and sickness. With only 10 of 14 players able to compete, the Isles kept most games close, but couldn’t manage to catch a break. The Isles lost

to Abitibi (10-25, 12-25), Brébeuf (1525, 23-25), Valleyfield (26-28, 20-25), Édouard-Montpetit (20-25, 24-26) and Ahuntsic (19-25, 20-25). All-star middle Cedrick Brossard injured his elbow on a freak collision in the first set of the day and was lost for the rest of the day. This forced libero Justin Michetti to fill in as middle blocker, a position he had never played before. Brossard’s injury also forced rookies Weslé Aucoin and Manuel Génier into emergency action, seeing the court for the first time this season. Jonathan Lafleur led the way on offense for the first time this year with 21 kills, and Tom Willox put in a steady performance on defence with 10 stuff blocks, but the Isles needed a total team effort that just didn’t seem to come together. Athletes of the week Female Islander Athlete of the Week is rookie hockey goalie Sarah Lussier who stopped all 21 shots in Saturday 3-0 win over Lafleche. Male Athlete of the Week is basketball player Shan Sinnathurai who scored 34 points and added 18 rebounds in 2 games on the weekend.

Bandersnatch Volume 42 Issue 7  


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