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The Jewish Home | OCTOBER 29, 2015

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The Rebbetzin

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against enemies. Don’t turn this into a war with battling sides. Use this negative experience as an impetus for healthy growth. You are right that your parents should be supportive of you and be sensitive to your feelings after your marriage ended. Including your ex’s family in a simcha is a public statement that will ultimately embarrass them because your ex’s family will not understand it and may talk to others about it. Don’t worry; they won’t show up at your sister’s wedding. They will not want to be in an uncomfortable public situation. In short, this will backfire for your parents but don’t be the one to point this out. Your parents will not get it if it’s coming from you. They do not get that they are in the wrong here. If they can’t see that and understand, you need a lot of help to deal with them now and in the future. You obviously have the capacity for understanding others, even if they are not with you. Build on that strength with a skilled professional so that you don’t carry family baggage and lack of communication skills into your future.

Sarah Schwartz Schreiber, P.A. have no words to say to you. I have only a choice few for your mother. Dear Mom: You daughter is in pain. Her pain is profound; the “glick shidduch” that raised you a few notches up the social ladder turned out to be a toxic and ill-fated one. She is dealing with the trauma of divorce – the disappointment, the embarrassment, and the anxiety of wondering whether she will ever again find a loving husband. And while she cries, you blithely maintain a warm relationship with

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the people who knowingly misled her, her ex-family that shattered her dreams and turned her world upside-down. It’s a wonder she still speaks to you. But what choice does she have; you are her mother – her rock, her support, her comfort. And, as her mother, your loyalty must ALWAYS be to her. If you wish to regain your daughter’s trust and respect, you will, without fanfare, cut all social and personal ties with your former machutanim. That includes invitations to simchas, lunch dates, and friendly phone calls. You are not declaring all-out war. You are demonstrating your empathy, your sensitivity and your solidarity with your child so she can more easily heal and move confidently toward her future happiness.

The Shadchan Michelle Mond his is such a painful predicament, and I am so sorry you are going through this. You have been through the most difficult stage of your life because of this man, and your mother’s connection with his family is a constant reminder of it. I would not be surprised if this adds an element of difficulty moving on. You need to communicate all of your feelings to your mother and

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B A LT I M O R E J E W I S H H O M E . C O M

The Mother

Use this negative experience as an impetus for healthy growth.

FEBRUARY 22, 2018

Rebbetzin Faigie Horowitz, M.S. bviously, there is something very wrong with your relationship with your parents. It seems that you are communicating some information but not everything; you are implying that they do not know everything about your ex. You have not shared feelings both during and after the marriage. It doesn’t seem like they even know why you got divorced. You have not worked this out in the past and the forthcoming wedding invitations seem to be a catalyst for mounting tension. You and your parents have many things to resolve, not just the invites. Do yourself a favor for the short

term and long term. Get into therapy to learn to communicate appropriately with your parents and be heard. It is easy to say to them, “You are putting social status ahead of my feelings. I am the one you should be sensitive to, not my ex’s family.” However, it seems that you have not shared with them what the issues in your own marriage were. I do not mean to justify their behavior but there are communication issues on your end as well. Use this opportunity to deal with your family issues. You need to learn the skills to be heard by your parents as well as to deal with this level of insensitivity. With the guidance of your therapist, you may want to share some of this with the family rabbi who was probably involved in your wedding and in your get. However, do not line up allies

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