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Volume 1, Issue 1

The Model Voice² *

Twice the content, half the context

BREAKING NEWS: CHRIS JORDAN VIOLATES CLEAN ELECTION LAWS! Almost exactly one year

*Not The Model Voice

into a new age of prosperity.

ago, former Representative

However,

truth,

empting an opposition that

Christopher

was

when you look behind the

has yet to be formed. Let’s

the

walls he’s built to cover his

form it.

and

own tracks, is that he isn’t

the Model Voice report that

Government. The margin of

what he seems to be.

This

Chris has been working with

victory

slim—most

article will relate to the brand

the Editor-in-Chief to improve

statisticians agree that Mr.

new information suggesting

his image.

Jordan likely lost the popular

that due to Mr. Jordan’s

article about Governor Chris

vote but still claimed victory

violation of Clean Election

Jordan

due to our outdated and

Laws, he shouldn’t even be in

Election laws was, in fact,

impractical system of voting.

office.

written

sworn

Jordan

into

Governor

office of

was

as

Youth

Regardless, it is impossible to make

an

accurate

conclusion because his first action

as

Governor

was

banning election results from being released to the public. We’ve got a man that looks squeaky clean looking over our shoulders in this program, claiming to guide Arizona

the

gritty

It has recently come to our attention

that

the

Model

Voice is in the process of publishing an article lauding Chris’s ability to uphold Clean Election Laws. First of all, the act of publishing an article about an argument that has yet to be made should set off an

alarm.

They’re

pre-

Written by: Qui Gon Jinn and Littlefoot Edited By: The Panther

himself. Our

Our sources within

I repeat: the

upholding

by

Chris

directly There’s

Jordan

Don’t believe us?

source

picture

Clean

of

also him

into no

sent

a

writing

it

the

paper.

denying

Chris

Jordan is a terrible leader, but it wasn’t until today that we realized just how bad he is.

BY LITTLEFOOT

Continued on page 2…


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The Model Voice² Lorem Ipsum

Chris Jordan scandal continued from page 1… So what is there for him to

conservative

hide? Well, that’s what we

organization

care

pouring through five years’

that

worth of audio from the

need the public to know.

conducted the transaction.

microphones installed in Mr.

Documents from the Federal

No matter the reason, we’ve

Jordan’s

Government were given to

got an illegitimate official on

thousands of pages worth of

the Model Voice Squared

our hands.

scanned material from his

today, detailing a backdoor

still around, the principles

diary.

transaction between Chris

that make up our free and

on the situation, we’ll let you

Jordan and an anonymous,

just society will start to erode.

all know.

shady support group. Clean Election

Laws

prohibit

candidates

from

more

$91,000

than

election in support.

taking per

Yet, in

addition to taking $90,000 dollars in election support, Christopher

Jordan

accepted another $100,000 from an unidentified group. The reports suggest that it was

likely

a

super-

health

As long as he’s

Here at the Model Voice Squared,

we’ve

always

known Chris to be a terrible Governor. But this shocking revelation

is

not

simply

justification for dissent, but once our information on this scandal is solidified it could be

grounds

impeachment.

for

The Model

Voice Squared is currently

home

and

the

When we get more

For now, don’t

think your jobs are safe. I’m truly sorry to say that by reading this article your job might

be

at

risk.

Chris

Jordan is coming after all of us and his reign of terror is far from over.

Representatives

and Senators, if you still have any love for this once great state, please recognize that Chris Jordan is a problem. We’re all depending on you.


The Model Voice²

3

Max Beall Campaign Platform: Leaked

BY QUI GON JINN

The clear frontrunner for governor next year is obviously Sir Max Beall. His campaign platform was recently leaked. Here it is: 1. NO welfare 2. $1 trillion dollar renovation of the giraffe exhibit at the Phoenix Zoo

(Right: Max Beall being the cool person he is.)

“No

That’s it. That is the entirety Sir Max Beall’s entire campaign platform. The state of Arizona will be spending more money than it has to renovate the giraffe exhibit at the zoo. Here’s a couple of reasons why this is an unbelievably amazing idea.

paparazzi please” ~Sir Max

First of all, the current giraffe exhibit is absolutely horrific. The ratio to the size of giraffes to the size of the exhibit does not make any sense.

Second of all, we all know that, next to humans, giraffes are the second smartest species in the world. This means that they have the brainpower to stage a coup and overthrow the world. This issue needs to be addressed, and the only way to address it would be to give a $1 trillion renovation to the security systems. This would possibly include 24/7 surveillance by over 10,000 Navy SEALS and over 30,000 cubic meters of water for the moat. Other than the welfare, Max Beall looks like a man who knows what he’s doing to me.

They Actually Said These Things: “Terrorists don’t exist” –Governor Chris Jordan “I wasn’t a communist” –Governor Chris Jordan *This implies he is currently a communist “This is Africa. We can’t fix it” –Governor Chris Jordan

“Brooke” —Secretary of State Joe Russell, when asked who the most corrupt person in YAG was “-2” – Secretary of State Joe Russell, when asked to pick a number between 1 and 10

“No” –Brooke Baumer, when asked if we could interview a page regarding his lack of knowledge about child labor laws “I’m in college” –Jesus Betancourt, page


The Model Voice²

Horse and Dog Racing Bill— The Most Important Idea of the 21st Century Every once in a while someone has an idea that changes the way we view society itself. They rest in history alongside names such as Sir Isaac Newton, Galileo, and Rosa Parks, just to name a few. Ladies and gentlemen, we now find ourselves in the presence of one such person. On a scale of importance larger than anything since the invention of freedom by George Washington in 1776, Representative Mason Swierenga’s bill on allowing humans to race with dogs and horses has passed in the House. In case it isn’t obvious enough, the Model Voice Squared has created a list of over 350 reasons to affirm this piece of legislation. Here are 25 of them: 1. Equal rights. 2. People are horses too. 3. This is 2013 guys. Get with the times. 4. Why not? 5. Reliance on horses for transportation must come to an end. 6. Human sprinters will learn some humility. 7. Dogs can be dominant over humans for once. 8. If people do dog things, maybe dogs will do people things. 9. The employment rate needs to go up. 10. People might start watching races. 11. The human racers will finally speak out against cruelty in dog and horse races. 12. The humans can teach the other competitors to speak. 13. Dogs would get smarter by hanging out with humans. 14. If a human wins it will be a victory for all of mankind.

BY LITTLEFOOT

15. Honestly, how does voting against this affect you?

16. Legalizing this will eradicate the increasing problem of underground human-dog-horse racing rings in Arizona. 17. Someday people will be able to do other animal things. Maybe even plants. 18. We’ll raise taxes on the tickets to make more money. 19. They say we can be anything when we grow up. We should be horses. 20. “Without the right to race against horses and dogs, life is nothing but a meaningless void of false human interactions.” -Emily Dickinson 21. It would be awesome. 22. This is the change Obama was talking about in 2008. 23. Horses and dogs can’t spend the prize money. 24. I’ve been able to come up with 23 reasons already.

25. We all secretly want to do it.

You can call it what you want: carpe diem, justice, a stance against all things evil, but the fact that this bill will make us great as a state again is consistent. This piece of legislation will form a ripple in our nation straight to the fabric of our lawmaking process. Senators, you’re in the heart of change. Help us to keep it pumping.


Chris Jordan: East German Secret Police? BY QUI GON JINN If you have ever had a conversation with our governor, Christopher Jordan, you may have noticed how well-spoken he “Money trees is the perfect place for shade” –Kendrick, 2013 is. In fact, he is probably better-spoken than any 17 year old should be. You might start to ask yourself the question: “How does a 17-year-old kid have the conversation skills it takes most people to learn in a lifetime?” The answer might startle you.

After long hours of research and even longer hours of pondering the subtle intricacies of Chris Jordan’s dialect, I have discovered the truth behind the man. Or should I say, the truth behind the monster. If you hadn’t noticed before, Chris Jordan is taller than the average 17-year-old and pretty much has a full beard—coincidentally the exact qualities of a 40-yearold German man. But what could it mean that Christopher Jordan portrays the qualities of a middle aged German man hiding in the friendly confines of the Arizona Model Legislature? The only logical answer is that he is a member of the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit. But what is the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit? Otherwise known as the Stasi, it is colloquially referred to as the East German secret police. In the East German Secret Police, they teach all of their agents to speak every single language with the utmost fluency, thus explaining Chris’ eloquent speaking style. Most people believe that East Germany fell with the Berlin Wall 24 years ago, but not a lot of people know that it was just a set up by the Stasi in order for the Stasi to secretly put agents around the world in order for East Germany to rise again at some point in the future. Well that some point in the future is now, and Christopher Jordan is in charge of it all.


Arizona Congress Collapsing—

BY LITTLEFOOT

Using Your “Gut” is No Longer a Valid Lawmaking Tool Folks, we’re in a state of emergency. Code black. Level ten. Whatever you want to call it—we’re there. A thousand and thirteen years after the founding of this state we find ourselves in a time period when the use of instinct is no longer accepted as a valid lawmaking tool. There’s no doubt we’ve been experienced it before, but not until this year has the art of making up statistics started to fade away. “I love this state. I really do. But what’s the point in defending something with facts?” says a member of the House of Representatives shouting at a wall behind the house floor, “It’s all because of the technology. Fact demanders” are taking away my freedom to say what I want, when I want. It’s un-American.” We feel you. We really do. Don’t get us wrong, we shouldn’t dislike statistics, but at the expense of good ol’ American lawmaking, there’s nothing more threatening. Fortunately, we do have a single beacon of hope in this decaying system we call Arizona congress. Alleged flipflop proponent and assured flip flopper Governor Chris Jordan might actually have a single redeeming quality. The Model Voice Squared recently sat down with Mr. Jordan about various Arizona issues. “I’m not very familiar with the concept of “truth”. We’ve got scientists to do that,” says Mr. Jordan, “I’m sure there is reasoning behind my opinions, but I have no idea what they are. All I need to do is speak quickly and long enough that people tune out and think what I said is true. It’s been working fine so far.” Mr. Jordan is assuredly running this state directly into the ground, but at least he’s got one thing right. Lawmaking isn’t about logic; it wasn’t ever supposed to be. Lawmaking is half-listening to a string of words, picking the ones you like the most, and then yelling at anyone who doesn’t agree. So now, Senators, representatives, fellow Americans, I call to you all to remember what made this state great. Next time someone asks you if you have any evidence to back up your claims, stare directly back at them and say: “No, I don’t have any statistics because facts are for cookbooks. I’ve got a hunch that my ideas are great and it’s better than your hunch. If you’ve got a problem with that, let’s see which one of us can talk over the other the best.” The Model Voice Squared knows you’re all capable of it. I know the creators of unwarranted claims are still out there. This year is the first year where delegates across Arizona congress have believed in a “necessity” of statistics and started to use them. You’re all great with providing statistics all of the sudden and that’s the problem. Turn off that Wi-Fi and close those laptops. We’ve got a shouting match to do-- America style.


Rampant Child Labor Law Violations by

BY LITTLEFOOT

Brooke Baumer and YAG Officials The page program of Youth and Government is unanimously believed to be the backbone of this organization, this state, and the protection of freedom itself. The walking distance between the house and senator floor has never been measured—unfortunately we lack the tools necessary to do so. Estimates put it around the distance in the South China Sea between Malaysia and southern Vietnam. But one thing is for sure: it takes a very brave type of person to exert more effort than that required to hold up a slip of paper and expect it to go somewhere. The pages are exactly that type of person. Unfortunately, behind the curtains of the page program, The Model Voice Squared uncovered a shocking reality. The transcript from an interview with Andrew Brown, a member of the Scottsdale/BCP delegation and page program follows. As a side note, this interview was very difficult to conduct. The pages were sitting together in the hallway, unable to leave. Brooke Baumer spoke on their behalf and refused to let me conduct an interview. Alas, I infiltrated the lobby and got my interview. The results are chilling. Q: Please state your name and age. A: My name is Andrew Brown and I am thirteen. Q: Who would you say is your “boss” in the program? A: Brooke, she’s in charge of the delegation and a lot of other stuff. Q: Thanks Andrew. Are you paid to be a page? A: No. Well, kind of. They give me some food at lunch and dinner. Q: Anything other than basic necessities?

Q: That’s impressive. Is it difficult to do that much work? A: Yes, because I’ll get something like four of them and then someone will give me another one to pass in the opposite direction. Then I have to turn around and go back, then come back again. Q: Would you say that this is just as difficult, if not more important than what Brooke Baumer, your “boss” has to do? A: Yes, I would. Q: Interesting. Do you know what child labor laws are? A: No. What are those?

A: No.

Q: So has Brooke explicitly told you your rights as a worker?

Q: Interesting. What does your job include?

A: No, I don’t know what they are. She just has me

A: I run around passing notes between the Representatives and other people. It’s a lot of work.

work.

Q: How many notes do you think you pass in a day?

A: You’re welcome.

A: In a day, at least forty.

Q: Thanks for your time, Mr. Brown.

Continued on next page…


…Continued from previous page Although we’d all like to shield ourselves from the problem and say this is just an anomaly, it’s very difficult to cover both your eyes and ears at the same time. We cannot avoid the cries of the pages for equal rights. Officials of this organization like Brooke Baumer are importing masses of children with no conception of pay equality to do the work they are too lazy to do. Someone needs to take a stand. Next time you see someone raising their hand with a paper to call over a page, slap it away. Pages deserve to be more than the line between point A and B. You know what, go on strike. Nothing happens until the pages are paid at least 30 dollars per note. You’re only strengthening injustice by doing anything else. It’s time for change.


Thank You, Brooke Baumer BY LITTLEFOOT Over the years we’ve had a lot of great leaders in this program. To spend hours every week on kids you aren’t connected very well to takes a lot of love. As members of this program, I’m sure we can all say that we’re extremely grateful to have them all here. The Model Voice Squared will honor one of them today in this article—Brooke Baumer. Brooke’s dedication and passion for the program as the Legislative Branch leader sets a standard that very few of us can hope to get to. Lets all just take a moment to step back and honor the life of Ms. Baumer. In 1992, Brooke Baumer was born in a small town near Afmadow in Southern Somolia. Growing up wasn’t always easy—from the day she was born she performed with her family in a Pixar film reenactment group. The seven of them traveled across the country translating and performing Pixar movies in Swahili to raise money for themselves. The Bugs Life chose her. In 1999, at the age of seven she decided her destiny was somewhere else In 2000 she ventured to the United States but nearly drowned in a freak accident at the shore of Florida. She managed to make it here, but just barely. Even at the age of eight she knew that all she wanted out of life was to be an astronaut. She worked as a rose picker for money to raise money for her dreams and started to count the number of roses and thorns she had collected after a long day. After eight years of intense physical training, visiting centers across the United States and Central America to become the perfect candidate for NASA’s space program, Brooke was met with a shocking reality. Swimming is one of the requirements for being an astronaut and her accident with swimming in the ocean eight years before had scared her permanently. She was crushed, knowing there was nothing she could do without the ability to swim. Well, almost nothing. Brooke realized she needed to go straight to the source of the problem-- the lawmakers. She knew the current legislators were too stubborn to lift this restriction, so she shifted her focus to the youth of the United States. Since then, Brooke has been working with future lawmakers in the Youth and Government program, helping them write and pass their bills so that one day they will repay her by lifting the swimming restriction from NASA’s guidelines. Brooke’s story is a heartwarming tale of a woman born on the streets of Somalia who only wanted one thing in life. Hopefully, someday, she’ll get it. In the meantime, we have a lot to thank her for. Her dedication to this program is absolutely amazing. She spends hours upon hours every day to ensure us great Youth and Government experience. We all wish her the best with her lifelong goal to become an astronaut. Thank you, Brooke, for everything you do. We couldn’t do any of this without you.

This is satire, guys. J

The Model Voice^2 Volume 1 Issue 1  
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