Page 1


H o o r ay R e s p o n s i b l e D r i n k i n g .

23745-235823 RED STRIPE Lager. Š2008 Desnoes & Geddes. Imported by DIAGEO - Guinness USA, Norwalk, CT.


Grab a quick snack and a stroll. Enjoy dinner for two or for 20. Mingle over cocktails. Grab a quick snack and a stroll. Enjoy dinner for two or for 20. Mingle over cocktails. See that band you love, live Enjoy in concert. Catch the latest movie inMingle state-of-the-art glory. Grab a quick a quick snack snack and stroll. Enjoy dinner dinner forthe two for or two for or20. forMingle 20. over over cocktails. cocktails. SeeGrab that band you love,aand liveainstroll. concert. Catch latest movie in state-of-the-art glory. Then dance thelove, nightinlive away. YouCatch can dothe it all inlatest one night, and you can do it all glory. in See that See band that band youthe love, you live concert. in concert. the movie in state-of-the-art in state-of-the-art glory. Then dance night away. You can doCatch it all latest in onemovie night, and you can do it all SMin . one place – Universal CityWalk®, The Capital ofdo Orlando ThenThen dance dance the the night away.away. You can Youdo can itdo allEntertainment itinEntertainment all one in night, one night, and you andof can you can itdo allSMitin . all in one place –night Universal CityWalk®, The Capital Orlando SM . SM. one place one place – Universal – Universal CityWalk®, CityWalk®, The Entertainment The Entertainment Capital Capital of Orlando of Orlando

s

s

Restrictions apply. Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. TM & © 2012 Par. Pic. Emeril’s ® Emeril Lagasse. Hard Rock Cafe ® Hard Rock Cafe International (USA), Inc. Jimmy Buffett’s ® Margaritaville ® Bubba Jimmy Gump Buffett. Latin Co. Quarter Inc. Lagasse. NASCAR®, NASCAR Sports trademarks of NASCAR, O’Brien’s, Hurricane Glass Restrictions apply. Shrimp TM &TM © Latin 2012 Quarter Par. Pic.Entertainment, Emeril’s ® Emeril Hard Rock Cafe ® GrilleSM Hard RockareCafe International (USA), Inc. Inc. Pat Jimmy Buffett’s ® logo, Have ® Fun!Jimmy and Iron Grill Design ® Pat TM O’Brien’s Bar, Inc.Entertainment, © 2012 Pat O’Brien’s Bar, Inc. NASCAR © 2012 Sports AMC. AllGrilleSM rights reserved. Hollywood Drive-inInc. GolfPat andO’Brien’s, associated logos areGlass trademarks Margaritaville Buffett. Latin Quarter Latin Quarter Inc. NASCAR®, are trademarks of NASCAR, Hurricane Restrictions Restrictions apply. Bubba apply. GumpBubba Gump Co. TM Shrimp &Inc. ©Co. 2012 TMPar. &© Pic. 2012 Emeril’s Par. Pic. ® Emeril’s Emeril Lagasse. ® Emeril Hard Hard ®Rock HardCafe Rock ®Cafe Hard International RockUniversal Cafe International (USA), Inc.AllJimmy (USA), Inc. Jimmy ®Buffett’s ® of Adventure Golf Grill Design &Shrimp Development, Universal elements andO’Brien’s all related &Lagasse. ©Rock 2012Cafe Studios. © 2012 rightsBuffett’s reserved. logo, Have Fun! and Iron Design ® Pat O’Brien’s Bar, Inc. © 2012 Pat Bar,indicia Inc. ©TM2012 AMC. AllUniversal rights reserved. Hollywood Drive-inOrlando. Golf and associated logos are252166/0412/MW trademarks Margaritaville Margaritaville ® Jimmy Buffett. ® Jimmy LatinBuffett. QuarterLatin TM Quarter Latin Quarter TM Latin Entertainment, Quarter Entertainment, Inc. NASCAR®, Inc. NASCAR®, NASCAR Sports NASCAR GrilleSM Sports areGrilleSM trademarks are trademarks of NASCAR, ofInc.NASCAR, Pat O’Brien’s, Inc. PatHurricane O’Brien’s,Glass Hurricane Glass of Adventure Golf Design & Development, Inc. Universal elements and all related indicia TM & © 2012 Universal Studios. © 2012 Universal Orlando. All rights reserved. 252166/0412/MW logo, Have Fun! logo,and Have IronFun! Grilland Design Iron Grill ® Pat Design O’Brien’s ® Pat Bar,O’Brien’s Inc. © Bar, 2012Inc. Pat© O’Brien’s 2012 Pat Bar,O’Brien’s Inc. © Bar, 2012Inc. AMC. © All 2012 rights AMC.reserved. All rightsHollywood reserved.Drive-in Hollywood GolfDrive-in and associated Golf and logos associated are trademarks logos are trademarks of AdventureofGolf Adventure Design Golf & Development, Design & Development, Inc. Universal Inc.elements Universalandelements all related andindicia all related TM &indicia © 2012 TMUniversal & © 2012Studios. Universal © Studios. 2012 Universal © 2012Orlando. Universal All Orlando. rights reserved. All rights252166/0412/MW reserved. 252166/0412/MW

Fr Fe flF a rFee ofrfta rP rli e efr eea eaP fl ao fd eta6e P frptmr o flrtaoidr P r ri erraei ae6rp k fm6oaik da 6dsriade r nik prfmor re pmsreinedk g rfonig si fosteisnin de rdte r n nt ns tg g

Visitcitywalkorlando.com citywalkorlando.comor or Visit Visit Visit citywalkorlando.com citywalkorlando.com oror call guest serVicesat at407.224.2691 407.224.2691 call guest serVices call call guest guest serVices serVices atat 407.224.2691 407.224.2691


All I Want Walk On The Ocean Fall Down

Toad the Wet Sprocket Thursday, July 25 | 6:30 pm | $29* in advance | $35* at the door

enjoy specialty drinks and finger foods from 6:30 pm until show time, live music and cash bars from show time onward, and complimentary valet parking**.

Featuring Modern English Thursday, August 29 | 6:30 pm

upcoming events

velvet bar and lobby lounge hard rock hotel® at universal orlando® velvetsessions.com

*Velvet Sessions is a separately ticketed event. Dates, times, entertainment and benefits subject to change without notice. Cameras are not permitted at the show. TICKETS ARE NON-REFUNDABLE. MUST BE 21 OR OLDER FOR ENTRY; photo identification required. **Complimentary valet parking not valid for overnight hotel guests. ©2013 Hard Rock International (USA), Inc. All rights reserved.


aXismag.com • July 2013

ORLANDO’S MONTHLY ENTERTAINMENT & LIFESTYLE MAGAZINE Entertaining Central Florida Since 1995

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

VOLUME 18 • ISSUE 7 Since 1995 PUBLISHERS:

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS Sean Perry• AXISMAG.COM

Rick Wheeler

ADVERTISING INQUIRIES: rwheeler@axismag.com 407.230.1365

EDITORIAL INQUIRIES:

editorial@axismag.com MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

The Resources

The Culture

The Music

The Movies

The Words

CONTENTS

06

50 WAYS TO LEAVE YOUR SOFA

12

ROADTRIP: WARPED TOUR FLA

MANAGING EDITOR:

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM Published and Produced by Proud Alumni and Students of the University of Central Florida

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

Summer blockbusters, fireworks and a lot of great tours making their way through Otown this month.

Colleen Pitrone

COLUMNISTS: Ashley Burns

COVER:

Cover Model: Cover Photo & Design: Steven Shea Photography Assistant: Silas Fischer Models: Devyn Squires • Laura Smittle Sarah Strehle

Join Kevin Lyman on the Warped Tour for a three day journey up and down FLA! And bring your parents for free!

18

SUMMERTIME... it’s COOL to be HOT!

BREW SCHOOL

PUBLISHED BY:

21

DRIP! It’s the S#!T...

© 1994-2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

29

MAGIC TRICKS?

VISIT US ON THE WEB AT

30

PROMOTIONS:

Matt Verduin • Jimi Killgallon • Dale Black Pancho Navarrette

Mocomm, Inc. dba aXis Magazine P.O. Box 2391 Orlando, Florida 32802 Sperry@aXismag.com No part of aXis Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from Mocomm Inc, Orlando Florida, or if you bring us a case of Miller Lite.

www.axismag.com EVENTS: www.floridamusicfestival.com

www.aXismag.com

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

WARPED TOUR hits the state this month!

All the places to cool off this summer, along with a lot of great pix of the Miller Lite girls partying at the beach!

The 4th is all about Sam Adam’s Summer Ale and those nice Red’s, Wheat’s and Oskar Blues!

DRIP is painting the town in spectrums!

The reviews are in, and they are covered in paint, sand and colored beer! Just do DRIP! What’s next for the Tragic, Burnsy knows all. Scenes from UCF Pool Takeover!

To gain access to exclusive “Behind the Scene” video footage of all our aXis girl cover shoots and to stay up to date with all the latest news and events visit us online at www.aXismag.com !


MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

WAYS TO TO LEAVE YOUR SOFA

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

&

ROCK OUT

IN OTOWN!

01 The Lone Ranger

Released Wed, July 3 Native American warrior Tonto (Johnny Depp) recounts the untold tales that transformed John Reid (Armie Hammer), a man of the law, into a legend of justice— taking the audience on a runaway train of epic surprises and humorous friction as the two unlikely heroes must learn to work together and fight against greed and corruption.

01

04 Blood Stands Still, Murder Death Kill, Maya Over Eyes, Smash Your Enemies, Hexxus BACKBOOTH 37 W. Pine St. www.backbooth.com Wed, July 3, 12pm, $9 - $12

05 Disney’s Celebrate America 4th of July Concert in the Sky MAGIC KINGDOM 1000 Buena Vista Blvd. 407.824.4321 Wed, July 3, 9pm, price included in admission Experience Disney’s Celebrate America! A Fourth of July Concert in the Sky at the Magic Kingdom. The event will feature a patriotic parade and fireworks display, red, white and blue strawberry shortcake and themed souvenirs.

06 BBQ, Rhythm and Blues Festival DAYTONA BEACH Main Street 386.295.5102 Wed, July 3, 6pm, free

03

07 Orlando Foundation Project – 4th of July Block Party

THE LONE RANGER 02 Red, Hot and Boom with the Jonas Brothers CRANES ROOST PARK 150 Cranes Roost Park Wed, July 3, 4pm – 11pm, free Each year, the city of Altamonte Springs hosts a fireworks show like none other.With food, games, live music from some of today’s hottest stars, and of course a fireworks display that will keep your jaw to the floor, there’s no wonder why so many people choose Red Hot & Boom to celebrate the 4th of July.

FIRESTONE LIVE 578 N. Orange Ave. 407.872.0066 Thurs, July 4, 7pm – 2:30am, ticket TBD The Foundation Project Block Party features 8 Stages, 3 Venues, International Talent, Foam Arena, Fire displays, Live DJs, Live musicians, Food trucks and local craft brewers. Prepare for a culmination of creative talent in Orlando as Foundation Project returns to help push Orlando’s creative advancement. Join us for

rawl! 3rd of July C

03 Stars and Stripes Peek-A-Boo Burlesque THE STARDUST LOUNGE 431 E. Central Blvd. 407.839.0080 Wed, July 3, 9pm, $7 Taking the 4th off? Then join us on July 3rd for our bi-monthly Peek-a-Boo Burlesque Show, hosted by Baby Blue Starr! The Peek-A-Boo Burlesque Show at The Stardust Lounge is Orlando’s longest running Burlesque show, almost 5 years to be exact. And this year, Baby Blue has put together something extra special to celebrate the 4th of July!

6

aXis thoughts #01: “A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.” (Jay London)

another festival of music, art, entertainment and food!

08 American Harvest 3rd of July Pub Crawl

08

CASEY’S, ELIXIR, FIFTH, WALL ST $10 for 4 American Harvest Mixed Drinks! www.wallstplaza.net Wed, July 3, 7pm

09 norsekorea presents: Valient Thorr, Gypsyhawk, Ramming Speed, American Party Machine WILL’S PUB 1042 N. Mills Ave. www.willspub.org Thurs, July 4, 9pm, $11 - $14

10 Fireworks at the Fountain LAKE EOLA PARK 101 North Rosalind Avenue 407.246.3720 Thurs, July 4, 4pm – 10pm

11 Red, Brick and Boom

LEGOLAND 877.350.5346 Thurs, July 4, 10am – 9pm, ticket prices vary

12 The 8th Annual I4 Fest AUSTIN’S COFFEE 929 W. Fairbanks Ave. 407.975.3364 Thurs, July 4 and Fri, July 5, 12pm – 12am, $5 The eighth annual I4 Fest will feature: a handmade art fair,Vegan and non-Vegan goodies, free beer (when Room Full of Strangers hits the stage, beer courtesy of Shipyard and SeaDog Brewing), various artists, and much, much more. Music by: Room Full of Strangers, Roadkill Ghost Choir (Acoustic), Dirt McCoy and Trailer Park Refugees, Milk Carton Superstars, Alias Punch (Acoustic), Parentheticals, The Fuzzlers, Tam Tam, Bellows, Ashley Nicole, Raspberry Pie, Lauren Galant,Among Giants, Zap Dragon and the Attack, Mojave Wilde, JarlQ, Afeefa and the Boy, SC Accidental, Moonmen From Mars, Lucious Lisa, Jahnopa, Oklahoma Stackhouse, Legendary John Cunningham, Christian Summers, Lauren Carder and the Multiple Me, Sterling Schroeder and the Chosen Ones.

08

13 Corey Smith

HOUSE OF BLUES 1490 E. Buena Vista Dr. 407.934.BLUE Fri, July 5, 8pm, $17 - $20

14 Dog Apollo, Flagship Romance, The Inverted THE SOCIAL 54 N. Orange Ave. 407.246.1419 Fri, July 5, 8pm, $5


OrlandO The Avenue Sonoma Frank & Steins White Wolf Café The Hammered Lamb I-drIve The Pub WInter Park TAPS dr. PhIllIPs Bar Louie

PLEASE ENJOY RESPONSIBLY Imported by Latis LLC, Ridgefield, CT PALM © 2013 Latis, LLC. All Rights Reserved.

www.latisimports.com


aXismag.com • July 2013

15 Jay and Silent Bob’s Super Groovy Cartoon Movie THE PLAZA LIVE 425 N. Bumby Ave. 407.228.1220 Fri, July 5, 7pm, $29.50+

16 Kip Moore

UNIVERSAL ORLANDO 6000 Universal Blvd 407.363.8000 Sat, July 6, time TBA, price included with admission When the sun goes down, the music cranks up at the Music Plaza stage in Universal Studios. Each Saturday night from June 1–July 6, you can catch an amazing performance just steps away from some of Orlando’s most exciting rides and attractions. Bring the whole family for a fun summer night you won’t find anywhere else. Kip Moore’s debut album, Up All Night, was the best-selling debut country album of 2012 and spawned two number one hits: “Somethin’ ‘Bout A Truck” (the first number one of Kip’s career), and “Beer Money.” Moore currently has another top 20 hit with “Hey Pretty Girl,” and has sold out numerous headlining shows this year, proving that this multitalented artist is definitely here to stay.

THE BEACHAM 46 N. Orange Ave. 407.246.1419 Thurs, July 11, 7pm, $15 - $17 Mesa, AZ based punk rock royalty AUTHORITY ZERO has managed to weather the music industry storm and endure living on the road away from friends and loved ones for almost 2 decades.With four studio albums under their belt, two live acoustic albums, and two EP’s, they appear to be just getting started.

21 Orlando City Soccer vs. Harrisburg City Islanders FLORIDA CITRUS BOWL 1610 W Church St. 407.440.5700 Thurs, July 11, 7:30pm, ticket prices vary

18

KATHY GRIFFIN CCER

ORLANDO CITY SO

17 TGT: Tyrese, Ginuwine & Tank BOB CARR PERFORMING ARTS CENTRE 401 West Livingston Street 407.246.4262 Sat, July 6, 8pm, prices vary

26 Hank Williams Jr. and Greg Allman UCF ARENA Bldg. 50 North Gemini Blvd. 407.823.3070 Sat, July 13, 8pm, ticket prices vary

27 8th Annual Crazy 80’s Pub Crawl

DOWNTOWN ORLANDO www.orlandopubcrawl.com Sat, July 13, 7:30pm check-in at Wall St. Plaza It’s that time of year again for the ultimate Pub Crawl that completely takes over downtown. Orlando Pub Crawl and Orlando Sport and Social Club are proud to present The 8th Annual Crazy 80’s Pub Crawl.

18 Orlando City Soccer vs. Charleston Battery

FLORIDA CITRUS BOWL 1610 W Church St. 407.440.5700 Thurs, July 11, 7:30pm, ticket prices vary

28 Predators vs. Iowa Barnstormers

19 Shawn & Marlon Wayans

ORLANDO IMPROV 9101 International Drive, Suite 2310 407.480.5233 22 Kathy Griffin Thurs, July 11 – Sun, July 14, BOB CARR PERFORMING ARTS CENTRE times and prices vary by night 401 West Livingston Street The Wayans family is filled with tal407.246.4262 ented members, so there is no Fri, July 12, 8pm, ticket prices vary surprise that the two youngest 23 Pacific Rim brothers, Shawn and Marlon Released Fri, July 12 Wayans, have followed in their When legions of monstrous creatures, known as family’s footsteps as Hollywood Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that icons. Both Shawn and Marlon would take millions of lives and consume humanWayans made their acting ity’s resources for years on end.To combat the gidebut in 1989 in their brother ant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: Keenen Ivory Wayans’ feature massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled film “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka.” simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked Immediately following their feature in a neural bridge. But even the Jaegers are proving film debut, they joined the cast of the nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju. On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no Emmy Award winning comedy series, choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes - a washed up former WAYANS BROS “In Living Color.” “The Wayans Bros.” sitcom, pilot and an untested trainee - who are teamed to drive a legendary which Shawn and Marlon created and starred in, but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past.Together, they stand as manwas the first WB show to be sold into syndication after heading up the kind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse. WB network lineup for five years.

20

23

24 The East

THE ENZIAN 1300 South Orlando Avenue, Maitland 407.629.0054 Fri, July 12, times and prices TBD THE EAST, a suspenseful and provocative espionage thriller from acclaimed writer-director Zal Batmanglij and writer-actress Brit Marling, stars Marling as former FBI agent Sarah Moss. Moss is starting a new career at Hiller Brood, an elite private intelligence firm that ruthlessly protects the interests of its A-list corporate clientele.

25 Killing Season

Released Fri, July 12 Set in the Smoky Mountains, an American military veteran has retreated to a remote cabin in the woods.When a rare visitor, a European tourist, appears on the scene, the two men strike up an unlikely friendship. But, in fact, the visitor is a former Serbian soldier bent on revenge.The film stars Robert De Niro and John Travolta.

PACIFIC RIM

22

20 Authority Zero, Ballyhoo!

AMWAY CENTER 400 West Church Street, Suite 200 407.440.7000 Sat, July 13, 7pm, prices vary

29 RX Bandits, Northern Faces THE BEACHAM 46 N. Orange Ave. 407.246.1419 Mon, July 15, 7pm, $17.50 - $20

30 Marilyn Manson

HARD ROCK LIVE 6050 Universal Blvd. 407.351.LIVE Thurs, July 18, 8pm, $37.50 - $55

31 Red 2

Released Fri, July 19 Retired black-ops CIA agent Frank Moses reunites his unlikely team of elite operatives for a global quest to track down a missing portable nuclear device. To succeed, they¹ll need to survive an army of relentless assassins, ruthless terrorists and power-crazed government officials, all eager to get their hands on the next-generation weapon.

32 George Lopez

HARD ROCK LIVE 6050 Universal Blvd. 407.351.LIVE Sat, July 20, 8pm, $51 - $76

33 Orlando Nautical Flea Market and Seafood Festival

CENTRAL FLORIDA FAIRGROUNDS 4603 W. Colonial Drive 407.295.3247 Sat, July 20, 9am – 6pm Hunters looking for deals can visit over two hundred booths as vendor’s exhibit and sell their nautical and marine related merchandise and services. A wide selection of new and used boats will also be displayed by marinas and private individuals.

34 Cedric the Entertainer

BOB CARR PERFORMING ARTS CENTRE 401 West Livingston Street 407.246.4262 Fri, July 20, 8pm, ticket prices vary

aXis thoughts #02: “Indecision may or may not be my problem.” (Jimmy Buffet)

9


MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

WAYS TO TO LEAVE YOUR SOFA

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

& GET OFF YOUR A$$!

35 Transformers: The Ride 3D

UNIVERSAL ORLANDO 6000 Universal Blvd 407.363.8000 Opening Thurs, June 20 Prepare for the greatest battle you’ll ever ride! The new TRANSFORMERS: The Ride–3D is an ultra-immersive, next generation thrill ride that blurs the line between fiction and reality!

36 Lakeridge Winery Summer Music LAKERIDGE WINERY 19239 U.S. 27 North 800.768.WINE Fri, July 20, 1pm – 4pm

8747 International Dr. Suite 102 347.855.3747 Every Friday and Saturday, times and prices vary DRIP is part rock concert, part performance art and part dive bar. It’s a new entertainment experience unlike any other in Orlando. DRIP combines live music and dancers who utilize different media – sand, paint, water and a few surprises – in an upclose, gritty, in-your-face setting. It’s wet and sexy, fun; no one under 21 will be admitted. Prepare to be amazed as dancers perform with raining liquid and sand, creating an all-new definition of “splash zone.”

42 Orlando Rocks! with Lovestruck Robot, Stockholm, Empire Theory, W.E.R.M. HOUSE OF BLUES 1490 E. Buena Vista Dr. 407.934.BLUE Sat, July 27, 7pm, $5

LOVESTRUCK ROBOT @ HOB

41

37 Bad Kitty Art Show THE PEACOCK ROOM 1321 N. Mills Ave. 407.228.0048 Daily, ending July 20

MILLS 50 DISTRICT 1200 Weber Street Sun, July 21, 5pm – 2am, $12 - $15 Current line-up includes: Drivin’ ‘n’ Cryin’, Battle Sigh (featuring Steve Bury), Kaleigh Baker & NEM, The Riverbottom Nightmare Band, Hindu Cowboys, Steve Garron, Lorna & Alphie (from The Red Fox Lounge),The Burlesque Bombsquad, DJ Jeffee, DJ Tommy Mott and more to be announced!! Over the years SFS has hosted hundreds of bands and artists in numerous venues and raised money for Second Harvest Food Bank, Mustard Seed of Central Florida and The USO.This year the non-profit charity Heart Strings Music is sponsoring this event with all proceeds to benefit the family of a 16-year-old young man named Nick Pollock who is fighting brain cancer. The full day of festivities will include the very best live music, comedy, The Apartment E Art and Market, burlesque dance, pin up girls, food trucks and a kissing booth all at venues in the Mills 50 district including WillsPub Orlando Pub,The Peacock Room and The Orange Studio.

39 Velvet Sessions with Toad the Wet Sprocket

47 Blue Man Group Making Waves

43 Special Programs: VHS 2

THE ENZIAN 1300 South Orlando Avenue, Maitland 407.629.0054 Fri, July 26 and Sat, July 27, 11:59pm/ $7.50+ each night Two private investigators are hired to look for a missing college student. When they break into his house they find piles of static televisions and stacks of cryptically-labeled VHS tapes scattered about. Naturally they have to pop in a video. Uh oh… From the demented minds that brought you last year’s V/H/S comes this all-new (and improved!) anthology of dread, madness, gore, and very dark humor. A veritable All-Star lineup of underground cult horror and genre filmmakers including Full Sail graduate Adam Wingard (You’re Next), UCF graduates Eduardo Sánchez and Gregg Hale (The Blair Witch Project), Gareth Huw Evans (The Raid: Redemption) and Jason Eisener (Hobo with a Shotgun) join forces in this awesome found-footage omnibus that delights in being bloodier, funnier, and way more intense than its predecessor.

40 The Psychedelic Furs THE PLAZA LIVE 425 N. Bumby Ave. 407.228.1220 Fri, July 26, 8pm, $25+

35

44 Predators vs. New Orleans AMWAY CENTER 400 West Church Street, Suite 200 407.440.7000 Sat, July 27, 7pm, ticket prices vary

45 Stick Figure and Passafire

D

TRANSFORMERS 3-

HOUSE OF BLUES 1490 E. Buena Vista Dr. 407.934.BLUE Mon, July 29, 2:30pm, $28 - $32

38 E DRIP live on I-DRIV

VELVET BAR AND LOBBY LOUNGE 5800 Universal Boulevard www.velvetsessions.com Thurs, July 25, 6:30pm, $29 - $35

46 The Dillinger Escape Plan

THE BATTLE SIGH @ WILL’S PUB

38 The 5th Annual Southern Fried Sunday Benefit Presented by Heart Strings

10

39 42

41 DRIP

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

MAGAZINE & PROMOTIONS • AXISMAG.COM

THE BEACHAM 46 N. Orange Ave. 407.246.1419 Sat, July 27, 6pm, $14 - $16

ORLANDO SCIENCE CENTER 777 E. Princeton Street 407.514.2000 Daily, times and prices vary Experience Blue Man Group – Making Waves, the national traveling exhibit supported by Harman/Becker Automotive Systems, and created by the Boston Children’s Museum and Blue Man Group and powered by JBL®.The 1,500 square foot exhibit – designed to bring together science and art – will take the whole family through a multi-sensory exploration of sound that provides an opportunity to play together while discovering the fun of music.

48 Jagermeister Music Tour featuring Molotov THE BEACHAM 46 N. Orange Ave. 407.246.1419 Tues, July 30, 8pm, $23 - $48

49 Summer Nights

777 E. Princeton St. 407.514.2000 Daily, 10am – 9pm, $13 - $19

50 Arnold Day

LAZY MOON PIZZA 11551 University Blvd. 407.658.2396 Wed, August 3, 12pm – 2am Head to the annual Arnold Schwarzenegger tribute event with movies, pizza, and Arnold himself! Well, sort of.

aXis thoughts #03: “Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position.” (Christopher Marlowe)


dress down... drink up... rock out...

CULTURE

don’t leave a drop!

WHO: DRIP WHAT: Full Frontal Audio, Visual & Textural Assault WHERE: 8747 I-Drive (Behind Dennys/Senor Frogs) WHEN: Every Thur-Sat/9pm INFO: ilovedrop.com DRIP is an in-your-face explosion of color and movement backed by a live rock band, all in an industrial dive bar. You may get wet … you may get messy … you WILL have an awesome time. Grab a colored beer (orange, yellow, red or blue!) or glass of wine from our bar and let us assault your senses. DRIP is located in the heart of International Drive (I-drive) within walking distance of the Orange County Convention Center, numerous hotels, restaurants and tourist attractions.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

debaucher y interactive

Tickets ($35) include the show. (beverages and merchandise are separate) √ Dancers √ Live Band √ Flying Water, Colored Sand, Strobe Lights √ The entire building is considered a splash zone! √ Dress Down (jeans, t-shirt and sneakers are great) and assume you will get messy! √ Audience will be limited to approximately 100 people per show to preserve the intimate environment so reserve your tickets early! √Audience stands during the entire performance. √Think “killer floor seats at a rock concert” √ Show length: about 50 minutes √ Doors at 8pm / Show at 9pm √ You must be 21 years or older to enter. aXismag.com • July 2013

13


SOUNDCHECK

Kick out the Jams Reggie Williams Asks You to Play Along WHO: REGGIE WILLIAMS WHERE: NATURA Coffee / Sea Dog / The Spacebar WHEN: Fri, July 12th / Fri, July 19th / Sat, July 20th INFO: Facebook.com/ReggieWilliamsOfficial Orlando is well known for being a place that vibrant young musicians call home. Recently, the buzz has been all about a newcomer to the scene artist, Reggie Williams. Reggie is a singer/songwriter who is quickly gaining notice with smart songwriting, engaging performances and interesting guitar playing. His voice is reminiscent of Brandon Boyd or John Legend, and the pop-jazz guitar of Gavin Degraw or John Mayer. He released an EP last January called “Change” and has been making moves ever since. He recently launched a Kickstarter called “The #RealizeTheDream Project” and I sat down with him to ask a couple questions about his latest endeavor: “Let’s talk Kickstarter. What’s yours about?” RW: My Kickstarter is centered around the new music I’ve been writing. Our plan is, with our backers, we want to record a new EP of original material and to get out on the road on an East Coast tour my team and I are going to book ourselves.We want to go from Orlando up to Montreal, Canada and back on a 40+ day run! We’re super excited to take this next step in our journey! We have until July 21st to get all the funds together, so we want to invite everyone who sees this along for the ride! Check out our page social media for all the details! Kickstarter is all about rewards. What sorts of things are you offering your backers in exchange for their support? RW: We’re super proud of this music, and by backing us you can gain first access the EP months before it’s released! We also have Kickstarter exclusives like shirts, posters, a handwritten, limited edition lyric book! We also really wanted to be really up close and personal with you as a backer, so we’re offering things like a Skype guitar lesson, a personally written song, shadowing us on an in-studio experience during the recording of the record, and even a show at your home! We’re even offering a day pass to Universal where you and we could hang out and ride roller coasters all day! Cool! What’s the music gonna be like? Is it going to be similar to the music featured on your last release, the Change EP? RW: Well, being that I’m in a new place, and surrounded by new, awesome people, I’m inspired by new things, and by old things in different ways. Change EP is something that I’m very proud of because it was so expressive of the person I was at the time, but now i wanna talk about the new things that are around me. I think the new music will be different since it’s more groove based. I want to have fun on this record. I want it to be something that people hear and know that they’re gonna have a fun time at a show. I’ll be recording here in town at Emissary Studios with Jeremiah Dunlap and Joel Piedt, and I’m just so excited to get in there and work on some grooves. Awesome! In that last answer you said you were new to Orlando? What do you think of the scene here so far? RW: We respect each other. He respects me for being the way I am and I respect him for being the fucking salt of the earth guy he is. I know where he’s come from, there’s no bullshit about Billy. He’s from Manchester. He was at the Manchester Free Trade Hall to see the Sex Pistols. He snuck in to see Patti Smith at the Rainbow Theater in London. He’s a dyed-in-the-wool music fan. He’s the real deal. He loveJohnny Rocker that went to L.A.! You kidding me? Favorite things about Orlando so far? RW: My favorite things? Man.. that’s hard to choose (laughs). I honestly really like long boarding on the campuses in town. There’s some great cruise spots to hit when you need to just collect your thoughts for a little bit.

Kickstarter page: http://kck.st/19Y0HAw Facebook: Facebook.com/reggiewilliamsofficial Instagram and Twitter username: @reggiewillmusic


ROADTRIP orlando ®

®

THE LONG & WARPED ROAD! Kevin Lyman may be the biggest name in punk rock that has never smashed a guitar on stage... or has he? Lyman, who attended the Florida Music Festival as a keynote speaker a couple years back, has an affinity for the Florida music scene, and it’s passion for all things loud. He took a few out to talk about this summer’s roadtrip through FLA.

marilyn manson - 7/18

george lopez - 7/20

coming soon 7/4

oak ridge boys

7/6

mac miller

8/10

adam ant

8/12

one republic

with mayor

hawthorne and churchill 8/16

the killers

9/10

edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros

9/11

steely dan

9/13

joe satriani

9/14

dream, dance, inspire

9/17

matisyahu

aXis: You have some youngblood taking on the headliner role with Black Veil Brides, Bring Me The Horizon and others. Is it exciting to see these bands make it to this level? LYMAN: Well, you know they’ve all grown up on Warped Tour.They started on smaller stages and now they’re up to the Main Stage and you know I have to deliver certain bands to my dedicated hardcore Warped fans and those are the bands they are asking for. I know as a business person I have to deliver X amount of those bands and if I deliver those bands, 70 percent of the crowd is going to come support me and that allows me to broaden out the rest of the lineup. aXis: Anyone you’re really excited about seeing on stage this year? LYMAN: I have a lot, but like Bring Me the Horizon has been on the Main Stage, but Sleeping With Sirens and Memphis May Fire moving up to that Main Stage [that’s great]. It’s broadened things for us.We don’t have to go back to the same artists.

9/20 lisa lampanelli

Sold Out

8/17

victoria justice

9/1

k92.3 all star acoustic jam

9/3

diana ross

9/21

russell brand

10/30 john fogerty 11/20 craig ferguson 12/14 kathleen madigan

join hardrockrewards.com hardrock.com /hardrockorlando

@hardrockliveorl

tickets available by calling the hard rock live box office at +1-407-351-5483 or ticketmaster at tickmaster.com or +1-407-839-3900 artists, showtimes & prices subject to change • all shows are all ages unless otherwise stated

aXis: Over the course of 18 years you have done just about everything a festival can do on and off stage. What are you most proud of bringing to the scene? LYMAN: I think the first time I brought freestyle motocross, it was the first time that they’d ever toured the States and people look at those photos and we had Carey Hart, we had Brian Deegan, we had Larry Linkogle.They were the badasses of motocross and we built like the frame of a house and these guys were coming out and jumping freestyle before anyone else had seen it. aXis: The Reverse Daycare concept and a recent Father’s Day promo went so well, you are now letting kids bring their parents free! LYMAN: We’ve been noticing on our boards lots of fans without transportation.We decided everyday for 2013 should be Mother’s and Father’s day, so we will celebrate by giving any parent who is bringing someone to the Warped Tour a ticket to enjoy the fun.!

WHO: WARPED TOUR FLORIDA ROADTRIP WHAT: 3 DATES IN 3 DAYS WHERE: TAMPA (VINOY PARK), WEST PALM (AMPHITHEATRE) ORLANDO (FAIRGROUNDS) WHEN: July 26-28 INFO: vanswarpedtour.com


FAT TIRE ALE

Pairs well with people.

It’s why we put more than one in every six pack.

fat tire amber ale is brewed by new belgium brewing fort collins co

Coming Soon Fat Tire is rolling into Florida this summer!


aXismag.com • July 2013

BREWSCHOOL...

KEEPING YOU HIP TO THE hops

CELEBRATING

the RED, WHITE & BREW It’s time to party like an American, what’s better than a Sam Adam’s brew. Any favorites from the Boston beer vats that you choose this time of year? One summer seasonal that I am particularly fond of would be Samuel Adams Summer Ale from Massachusetts. This American wheat is brewed with malted wheat, lemon zest and grains of paradise- a rare pepper from Africa that adds a spicy taste. It’s the perfect blend of citrus with a spicy finish! Sounds like a hot summer romance. Another Sam Adams beer that I like is the Imperial White. This imperial white wheat, boasting a 10.3% ABV, should be sipped and savored as all the different flavors come out as the beer gets warmer and opens up. If you happen to run in to any ‘sketchy’ people around the 4th, head the other way and order a Sam Adams!

with Erika of

World of Beer UCF Speaking of which, any other revolutionary summer favorites from other Northeastern breweries? Two of my favorite Northeastern Breweries would be Leinenkugel and Brooklyn Breweries. Leinenkugel comes from Wisconsin and one of their staples is the Sunset Wheat. This is perfect for summer parties. It is brewed with malted wheat and natural coriander. It has a sweet and tangy bite. It’s like your own sunset in a bottle. Another summer seasonal is Brooklyn Summer Ale. This is a light bodied Summer Ale with a crisp,, refreshing body, a golden color and a slightly hoppy finish.

Thinking in the old red, white and blue... give us your favorite Red ale this time of year, how about white(weiss brew) and then, I guess there may not be anything blue, but how about something close!? My favorite Red Ale would have to be Lagunitas Censored. If you like hops, this beer is for you! It’s got a huge hop aroma and a slight malt balance. It is medium bodied with mild carbonation. Lagunitas is hop driven so for any hop heads out there, head to the Lagunitas section of your favorite bar! One white wheat that I love is Harpoon UFO White. It is light, crisp and refreshing. It is brewed in the tradition of spiced wheat beers with orange peel and a unique blend of spices. Oskar Blues brewery from Colorado has to be in my top 5 brewery choices. I haven’t found a person yet that their different styles of beer hasn’t impressed. One particular one that I like for the summer is Oskar Blues Mama’s Lil Pils. Unlike other macrobrewery pilsners, Oskar Blues Mama Lil Pils is brewed with 100% pale malt, German specialty malts and Bavarian hops. You’ll feel like the ceiling can’t hold us when drinking any of the beers from Oskar Blues.


side! aXis goes beachSCE NE

THE COCOA BEACH & PORT CANAVERAL CRAWL!

All summer long, look for aXis as we head straight east to Beachside to hit the sand and the scene, either enjoying some cold Pacifico’s and live jams at Milliken’s in the Port, or the best fish taco and a Dos Equis draft at The Sandbar. This month we dropped into Fishlips and Milliken’s in Port Canaveral,The Sandbar on Cocoa Beach, and Marlin’s and The Boardwalk Grill on The Pier... email us or Facebook us and let us know what pubs we should partying with you at next month!

WHERE: SANDBAR SPORT GRILLE LOCATION: 4301 Ocean Beach Blvd (straight down 520 until you hit the beach) INFO: 321.799.2577 SANDBARSPORTSGRILL.net Your piece of paradise on Florida’s East Coast where 520 meets the Beach. Located directly beachside adjacent to Sheppard Park and one Block from Ron Jon’s Surf Shop in World Famous Cocoa Beach , Florida the Sandbar Sports Grill is the place to fill up before or after a big day of surfing or just hanging out. Offering a full kitchen menu served until midnight, and with two bars to choose from, you’ll never have to wait. Easily the best fish & shrimp tacos, and washed down with a big Sandbar glass, while listening to great music on stage. Check out Sandbarpalooza on June 16th with 10 great bands all day and night!

WHERE: MILLIKEN’S REEF LOCATION: 683 Dave Nisbet Drive (turn left into Port Canaveral)

INFO: 321.783.0100 Millikensreef.com Where great food and fun come together! If seafood is your thing, make Milliken’s your place. Our menu offers plenty to choose from, including conch fritters, mahi mahi, grouper, salmon, clams, shrimp and oysters. If seafood is not your thing, we offer a nice selection of steaks and chicken, such as the porterhouse specials, filet mignon, classic chicken teriyaki and Trinidad curry chicken, to name a few. We have three bars fully stocked! Happy hour is from 4 to 6 p.m. daily. Look for the Corona and Pacifico specials all summer long as well at the outdoor bars! Tues/Wed are ladies night. Fri, Sat, Sun Live Music on Tiki Stage. DJ from 10-close.

WHERE: FISHLIPS WATERFRONT LOCATION: 610 Glen Cheek Drive

WHERE: THE COCOA BEACH PIER includes indoor/outdoor bars Oh Shucks, Marlin’s Good Time Bar & Grill, The Boardwalk and of course Mai Tiki Bar at the end of the Pier LOCATION: Pretty Hard to miss! (South on 528 or north from 520 on A1A) INFO: 321.783.7549

(turn right into Port Canaveral)

INFO: 321.784.4533 Fishlipswaterfront.com

CocoaBeachPier.com It’s an adventure 800 ft. over the ocean! This historical landmark on the Space Coast was established in 1962. Home to 5 restaurants, 4 bars, gift shops, free live musical entertainment and an 800 foot long fishing pier so YOU can land the big one! The pier also offers beach rentals, fresh water showers, regulation beach volleyball courts, lifeguards year round and some of the BEST surfing on the east coast! Annual events include beach concerts and surf festivals throughout the year! The Beach Boys, UB40, Ali Campbell, Julian Marley, Maxi Priest & more! We would suggest doing The Pier crawl, starting at the bottom at Oh Shucks, heading next to the Boardwalk to hang with Mark and then hit the A/C real quick in Marlin’s to visit Jill for a Corona, and finish it up with the best view on the beach at the end of the East Coastline at Mai Tiki Bar!

www.aXismag.com

Welcome to Fishlips Waterfront Bar & Grill, Port Canaveral. Our mission is to ensure that you will enjoy lunch or dinner with our unique food and drinks, and then party to the wee hours with our late night activities. As you will see we offer everything from fresh seafood and fine wine to hot burgers and cold beer. We pride ourselves that Fishlips has “Something for Everyone!” Live music outdoors on the patio and lots of big screen tvs for all the games inside, with cold Dos Equis draft pouring all the time! So start your party or end your party here, you won’t be alone!

23


ALAFAYA CLUB

NORTHGATE LAKES

LIMITED TIME ONLY–PAY ZERO DOWN GET A $360 GIFT CARD OR RATES AS LOW AS $509 + RESORT-STYLE AMENITIES @ THE EDGE GET A $240 GIFT CARD OR RATES AS LOW AS $579 + HUGE BEDROOMS & CLOSETS @ ALAFAYA CLUB LIMITED TIME NEW LOW RATES STARTING @ $599 + HUGE BEDROOMS & CLOSETS @ SCIENCE DRIVE SAVE $305 WITH ZERO DOWN + GREAT LOCATION TO CAMPUS @ NORTHGATE LAKES

SCIENCE DRIVE

THE EDGE limited time only. rates, fees, deadlines & utilities subject to change. while supplies last.


aXismag.com • July 2013

SCENE @ VILLAGES at ALAFAYA CLUB 6.21 • UCF POOL TAKEOVER Download free photos & videos @ aXismag.com


THINK

UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE You know there’s something different within you. You’re in sync with your imagination. IADT blends design and technology with your raw talent to create a whole new breed of creative professional. So not only could you be ahead of the world—you just might change it. Evolve at IADT.

TM

Classes start July 15th! Call IADT today to learn how to become part of the new breed.

Try a class in a program of your choice: • Graphic Design • Digital Media Production • Information Technology • Internet Marketing • Web Design & Development • Fashion Design & Merchandising • Retail Merchandise Management

CALL 888-319-8111 TEXT INVENT TO 94576

DESIGN

MEDIA

ARTS

BUSINESS

IADT.EDU/ORLANDO • 6039 S. RIO GRANDE AVE. • ORLANDO, FL • 32809 Find disclosures on graduation rates, student financial obligations and more at www.iadt.edu/disclosures. IADT cannot guarantee employment or salary. 27-20657 0409991 3.13


aXismag.com

SCENE @ The 9th Annual

RUMFEST

in Downtown Orlando! 06.22.13 • Wall St Plaza more scenes at www.aXismag.com

aXis thoughts #09: “A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.” [Chauncey Depew]

27


Behind the

night

aXismag.com • July 2013

E

OFIL PLAYER PR WHO//

WHAT// WHY//

KJ Pignatelli

Director of Operations, V Group Concepts

Veteran of the hospitality business for over 20 years (notably with Rainforest Café, E Brand Restaurant and most recently as Operating Partner for Blue Martini Orlando back in 2005). Graduated from the University of South Florida with a BS in Finance....realized fairly quickly that bean counting wasn’t for him. V Group has added a variety of venues to Downtown Orlando’s nightlife district, most notably Vintage Lounge which has contributed to Orlando’s impressive nightlife reputation over the last 7 years!

KJ PIGNATELLI// ON PROJECT DEVELOPMENT//

“The most crucial part of expansion is making sure you are ready to expand.” In other words, avoid biting off more than you can chew. When your existing portfolio is profitable, you can start to venture out. Ideally, you want to open up a venue that is different conceptually than the rest of your portfolio...this helps to avoid cannibalization. If you have a successful nightclub, look into doing a dive bar. If you have the best meatballs in town, think about getting into the sushi game. Diversity is key!

ON CONCEPTS//

“Our favorite new concept is Hanson’s Shoe Repair, a speakeasy joint located on Pine St. It’s rooftop location, theatrics and dedication to mixology make this concept unique to Orlando. Our slogan at Hanson’s: “If your shoe’s have lost their spirits....you better get them repaired soon!”

ON HAPPY HOUR//

“The Fifth has a great happy hour...cool vibe, fun staff, great drink specials. The sidewalk café on Orange Ave is always an excellent spot for people watching.”

ON THE MENU//

“Easy one...The Fifth is our only concept that serves food so it’s my favorite! (laughs) Try the meatloaf...it never fails.”

ON THE ROWDY CROWD//

“Vintage or Vixen...hands down. SHOTSpitality Tuesdays at Vintage has become one of Orlando’s premier party nights. Vixen is great because of it’s size...a big group can go in there and feel like they’re taking over the place.” ON THE DATE//

“NV Art Bar is a great spot...it’s low-key, intimate and alluring. You can sit down and really get to know the person you’re on a date with. If things are going well, you’re next stop should be The Fifth for a nice dinner. If they aren’t, tell them you’re heading home then go to Vintage and get into some trouble.” (laughs)

ON THE PERSONAL SCHEDULE//

“I have an affinity for Vintage...it’s décor and feel reminds me of bars back in Boston. Vixen is great because it’s the locals spot where you feel at home (it even has it’s very own Norm...his name is Spyro, a local legend). The Fifth is quite possibly the nicest venue downtown and the food is amazing. NV and Hanson’s are two great spots to meet up with friends and start the evening’s festivities. Take your pick.”

V GROUP: The Fifth, Vintage, Vixen, NV, Hanson’s Vintage Lounge - 114 S. Orange Ave - www.thevintagelounge.com WHERE// Vixen Bar - 118 S. Orange Ave - www.vixenbar.com NV Art Bar - 27 East Pine St - www.nvorlando.com The Fifth Restaurant and Lounge - 112 S. Orange Ave - www.thefifthorlando.com


aXismag.com

SCENE DOWNTOWN

with the Coors Light mountain men at Ember, Casey’s and Hooch! more scenes at www.aXismag.com

aXis thoughts #11: “Country music has always been the best shrink that 15 bucks can buy.”

31


aXismag.com • July 2013

SCENE @ PARK PLAZA 6.14 • Winter Park

The Heineken crew debuted their new look and the bottle at Park Plaza Gardens this past month.

Download free photos & videos @ aXismag.com


aXismag.com • July 2013

BURNSY IS MAGICALLY HIP YOUR crystal ball is so crystal clear

One of the big questions heading into the 2013 NBA Draft was – “Why isn’t Burnsy calling the shots for

the Orlando Magic?” As it turns out, Rob Hennigan has still not accepted my invitation to be my new best friend, which is disappointing because I’m super cool and he should want to be my friend and tell me what decisions he’s making regarding the team. But as I prepare to send him yet another stripper to sway his favor, I’m left to grade this draft with no insight into his drafting process, other than my own natural gut instinct. Fortunately, my gut is 100% accurate while also being covered by ripped abs, but instead of just offering up a letter grade (it’s an A, by the way), I thought I’d use my patented crystal ball to look into the future and see how Hennigan’s master plan and collection of assorted young players will pan out. Be warned, my mystical psychic skills cannot be used for personal gain, so if you bet on any of the information that I am about to reveal, you will be eaten alive by a shark tiger, which is a shark that learned how to walk on land after mating with a tiger.

The year is 2016…

After back-to-back winning seasons, the Magic are now the general consensus favorite to reclaim the top of the Eastern Conference, mainly thanks to LeBron James’ early retirement to pursue his “dream career” as a country music singer. Additionally, Dwyane Wade’s knees caused him to retire and Chris Bosh was captured and returned to Jurassic Park, leaving the Miami Heat to lose a league record 70 games during the 2014-15 season. Also, Dwight Howard retired to take over as the new Gallagher. He’s currently on tour with all of his illegitimate children as an opening act. It’s really pretty entertaining.

The Magic Roster

After Hedo Turkoglu’s contract was bought out following the 2012-13 season, Glen Davis was eventually traded to the Sacramento Kings for a pinecone turkey that a child made in elementary school and a carton of expired milk. It was actually a much better offer than anyone believed Hennigan could get. After a few other tweaks and deals, the roster for the 2016-17 season looks like this:

PG: Eric Bledsoe SG: Victor Oladipo SF: Tobias Harris PF: Andrew Nicholson (He got really jacked, you guys. You should see him.) C: Nikola Vucevic Also, Kyle O’Quinn has been named the 6th Man of the Year for two years running with his perfect string of double-doubles coming off the bench an unprecedented mark that has never been seen in league history.

A League-wide Example

Hennigan’s roster has been praised by executives throughout the NBA, and despite multiple offers by the Los Angeles Lakers and Boston Celtics, he has chosen to remain with Orlando and sign a 10-year extension in order help this team establish itself as a dynasty. Meanwhile, David Stern even made a rare public appearance outside of his Antarctic skull fortress to praise the Magic as the truest form of a team that the league has ever seen. Stern also issued a full apology to all NBA teams and fans, claiming that he had indeed rigged the league for many years to favor the larger market teams. As a penance for his sins, he even chopped off one of his arms. Alas, as a true lizard king, Stern’s arm grew right back.

New Records are Set and Broken

This Magic roster has broken every NBA offensive record in the history books, as each of the starting five players will average 20+ points per game in that season, en route to winning an unbelievable 75 games. The seven games they lost featured the bench starting, and even then they had to agree to play one-handed. Tobias Harris ends up winning the MVP honors that season for his unbelievable season triple-double (points, rebounds and assists). He missed a quadruple-double with 9.9 assists per game, and that is still under appeal as of the start of 2017. Jacque Vaughn is even awarded Coach of the Year honors despite watching Seinfeld reruns in a skybox during each game, only after delivering his trademark pregame speech that consists of the phrase: “Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

Managing the Team's Finances

As with any situation of emerging stars, the Magic must now worry about some of their key players becoming free agents and seeking max contracts. Fortunately, Hennigan practiced the complete opposite strategy from when Otis Smith was running the team and he is able to keep the complete roster intact while paying every player what he deserves. No one knows exactly how he does it, as some blame witchcraft while others claim he is indeed Satan, but none of the key players is ever lured away to bigger markets. Finally, the Magic do win the title in 2017, as Orlando fans flood Orange Avenue and other streets to celebrate, as Dwight Howard’s tour bus is passing through. Because of the celebration, his bus must take a detour and it falls off a cliff and explodes.

Oh yeah, Orlando has a cliff now, too.


Stacked logo with gold drop and slight gradation on red

Stacked logo with gold drop and no gradation on red

aXis July 2013  

aXis July 2013 issue featuring the Miller Lite Girls... Summertime is Miller Time!