“…I’d gladly continue to suffer for the rest of my life if it meant that my son could stay by my side.”
Regardless, I am angry, and I need somewhere to direct my pain. So, I don't mind taking an internal beating when the rage needs an opponent to obliterate. At least I've stopped cutting and bingeing & purging to punish myself - I consider that a win or a step in the right direction as I continue to learn better coping mechanisms.
However, my therapist would still disapprove of my handling of this latest medical development in my son's care. He'd say that I am doing my best, but I wouldn't believe him because he doesn't see all the times that I have come up short as a parent.
There is no solution to a situation like mine. It's chronic and ongoing, but I'd gladly continue to suffer for the rest of my life if it meant that my son could stay by my side.
If it wasn't for my daughter anchoring me to reality or the comfort I find in my son's happiness and smiles despite his disabilities, I think that I would have lost my grasp on sanity a long time ago.
All I can say is, Complex PTSD is no joke. ∎
Author, Navy Veteran & Mother of 2 with Special Needs www.awarenessties.us/lori-butierries Lori Butierries is a full-time caregiver to two children with special needs, one child being terminally ill and physically disabled. Lori uses her life experiences and the medical knowledge she gained while serving as a Hospital Corpsman in the United States Navy to help others facing similar hardships. Lori focuses primarily on advocating for and educating others about the special needs, mental health, and veterans communities. Her long-term goal is to reduce the stigma associated with disability by talking about it with people of all ages, thus minimizing the fear and the mystery attributed to the unknown in this regard.
110 AWARENOW / THE UNITED EDITION