Issuu on Google+

VOL 3 ISSUE 10

INDIA EDITION

SEPTEMBER 2010 / ` 100 CONTENTS: EXPLOSIVE PUN {40%} + STUFF OUR LAWYERS HATED {35%} + JOKES {25%}

OIL HER UP RIGHT SPOT A PSYCHO CLEAN UP AN OIL-SPILL DRIVE OFF A HILL BUY A 3D TV

SEX! LIES! SPOOFS!

82

OUTDOOR LOOKS TO HOOK GIRLS

10

NEW WAYS TO DRIVE THEM AWAY

20

GADGETS TO BLOW YOUR MIND

3

THE DREAM THAT TURNED INTO A NIGHTMARE EXCLUSIVE: COMMONLY FELT-UP GAMES AL CAPONE THE BADDEST MOBSTER OF THE CENTURY

SEX TOYS TO BLOW HERS

COMING SOON TO INDIA...

YARDTHIP RAJPAL ...JUST NOT SOON ENOUGH!

PALLAVI DAS • BEAR GRYLLS • SURESH KALMADI• ABHISHEK KAPOOR


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

editor’s team letter

sheet

is brought to you by… FHM is called into meetings by Managing Director & Publisher Vikas Johari CEO Prakash Johari Associate Publisher Vijaya Saran Associate Editor Kabeer Sharma

What we did this month… The FHM office got its first doll. It looks like Elvis, bobs its head and wears a golden suit. Decided to take him home after office people tried to behead him aping the boss. Rascals. A link popped up on Gtalk sometime last month courtesy of a friend we saved from drowning in Goa. The link to a Scrooge McDuck comic book ‘Dream of a Lifetime’ also featuring the Beagle Boys. The Beagle Boys with the help of a contraption have entered McDuck’s dream to steal the secret combination of his vault (the big white building with the dollar sign on the side – where he goes to swim in his money). Sounds similar to The Inception? Google, while you still can and you’ll find a scene-by-scene similarity. There are of course other allegations that the man whose face the Americans want to carve on Mount Rushmore – Christopher Nolan was ‘inspired’ from Neil Gaiman’s Sandman series that presented the concept of ‘Eternal Walking’. A character is stuck in a dream, wakes up from one only to find himself in another. Then there was the book at the Delhi Airport bookstore called Unit 12 or something, which seemed eerily similar to The Inception again. So, to settle things once and for all, we dragged the sods in the FHM office to see The Inception after a hard day’s labour of staring at Yardhip’s pictures and a Sour Whiskey. Fell asleep in the first half. We blame the Sour Whiskey. fhmindia.com

But, we did the Interviews for the Commonly-felt-up Games, Inception style anyway (page 78). Yardthip of course helped with the Dream-theme (page 66). Since we’ve all dreamt about dressing like mobster sometime or the other, so we decided to make the theme a little more kickass and throw in stuff you always wanted to know about the coolest gangster of the Century – Al Capone (page 82). But it’s often that dreams turn into a nightmare – like the girl who can and will go psycho on you (page 118). Ever had nightmares of being tongue-tied before a girl or cracking really inappropriate jokes and pick-up lines before a girl with legs till the heaven (page 115). Think you don’t know how to make a girl scream with a massage, you probably don’t – so here’s some help (page 114). If you’ve dreamt of your car breaking down in the middle of a herd of stampeding elephants – you need a good mechanic. Here’s an ode to ours (page 119). But on a more serious note, FHM follows the nightmare of the cloudburst in Leh-Ladakh last month and the Jawans of the Indian army who are rebuilding the land we’d travelled to last month with the guys on the Bullet (page 72). So, go on. Dream. But for god’s sake stop talking about The Inception. It’s passé. -Kabeer Sharma

Bumped into Naseeruddin Shah, Supriya Pathak, Designer Narendra Kumar, Gulshan Grover and a bunch of TV/Theatre Actors at the Mumbai airport. Everyone’s flight took off before ours. Damn it. Figured out PMS also means Portfolio Management System. Heheh. Was told to put a sock in it. Lusted after the new Tag Heuer Monaco V4. Looked at price tag - close to Rs 50 lacs. Did mental math, decided to get a sugar momma. Dreamt about BBM going off-line. Looked at the new BB Bold, a silent tear rolled down the cheek. Developed a crush on Shruti Haasan. Heard she might be dating. Seriously. Punched a hole in the wall. Can’t type for a week.

FHM is taken on its travels by… International Director of Men’s Magazines Simon Greves (+44 20 7182 8074) International Editorial Director Henry Rimmer (+44 20 7182 8075) International Head of Content Anouska Christy (+44 20 7182 8941) International Commercial Manager Graham Kirk (+44 20 7182 8941) International Content Manager Jennifer Batchelor (+44 20 7182 8056) International Content Coordinator Charlotte Smith (+44 20 7182 8069) firstname@maxposure.in Information info@maxposure.in | Subscriptions subscribe@ maxposure.in | Submissions fhm@maxposure.in | Advertising sales@maxposure.in | Accounts accounts@maxposure.in | Careers hr@maxposure.in MaXposure Media Group (India) Pvt. Ltd. Headquarters Le Meridien Hotel, Old Business Centre, 2nd Floor, Windsor Place, New Delhi-110001, India, Tel: 91.11.43011111 Fax: 91.11.23730511| West | Hind Services Industrial Premises Cooperative Society Ltd., Gala No. 311, 3rd Floor, Dyaneshwar Mandir Road, Off Veer Savarkar Marg, Shivaji Park, Dadar (W), Mumbai-400028, India Tel: 91.22.24448835-39, Fax: 91.22.24448838 | South | Bengaluru1010 A Wing, 10th Floor, Mittal Towers, M.G. Road, Bangaluru-560001, Karnataka, India Tel: 91.80.40921037-38, Fax: 91.80.41510657 | Chennai | Canaan City, Business Centre 570/2, Anna Salai, Second Floor, Teynampet, Chennai-600018, Tel: 91.44.45918855, Mobile: 91.8122757180, 919841726257 Fax: 91.44.45918810 Sales Representative Offices: Ahemedabad | A/18 Radhaswamy Raw House, Near Chanakyapuri, Ghatlodia, Ahemedabad-61, Tel: 91.9898002522 | Hyderabad | H. No.12-8-275/13/5, Mettuguda, Secunderabad-17, Tel: 91.9246336642 Distributed Nationally by | Indian Book House Pvt. Ltd., Arch no. 29, Below Mahalaxmi Bridge, Mahalaxmi, Mumbai - 400 034, India. Tel: 91.22.40497401-2 | Distribution in UAE by | Jashanmal National Co. LLC Printed at | International Print-O-Pac Ltd., C-4 to C-11, Hosiery Complex, Phase II-Extension, Noida-201305, India. Tel: 91.120.2563637-29 FHM INDIA MAGAZINE. Printed AND PUBLISHED BY VIKAS JOHARI ON BEHALF OF MAXPOSURE MEDIA GROUP (INDIA) PVT. LTD. PRINTED AT INTERNATIONAL PRINTO-PAC LTD., C-4 TO C-11, HOSIERY COMPLEX, PHASE IIEXTENSION, NOIDA-201305, INDIA, AND PUBLISHED AT MAXPOSURE MEDIA GROUP (INDIA) PVT. LTD. le meridien hotel, old business centre, 2nd floor, windsor place, new delhi-110001, india. EXCLUSIVE DISTRIBUTORS IN INDIA: Indian Book House Pvt. Ltd. Arch no. 29, Below Mahalaxmi Bridge, Mahalaxmi, Mumbai - 400034. FHM INDIA MAGAZINE is published monthly. FHM INDIA MAGAZINE IS A TRADEMARK OF BAUER CONSUMER MEDIA AND THE MAXPOSURE MEDIA GROUP (India) pvt. ltd. AND THE ENTIRE CONTENTS OF FHM INDIA MAGAZINE are COPYRIGHTED TO BAUER CONSUMER MEDIA AND MAXPOSURE MEDIA GROUP (INDIA) PVT. LTD. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THE WRITING, ARTWORK AND/OR PHOTOGRAPHY CONTAINED HEREIN MAY NOT BE USED OR REPRODUCED WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. MAXPOSURE MEDIA GROUP (India) pvt. ltd. DOES NOT ASSUME RESPONSIBILITY FOR LOSS OR DAMAGE OF UNSOLICITED PRODUCTS, MANUSCRIPTS, PHOTOGRAPHS, ARTWORK, TRANSPARENCIES OR OTHER MATERIALS. MAXPOSURE MEDIA GROUP (India) pvt. ltd. DOES NOT ASSUME ANY LIABILITY FOR SERVICES OR PRODUCTS ADVERTISED HEREIN. FOR INQUIRIES | TEL: +91 11 43011111, FAX: +91 11 23730511, fhmindia.com

September 2010

3


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


contents

soon to be your new best friends september 2010 64

Q&A: Graeme swann

Forget the Indian medium-pacers. The pace-head of English cricket talks us through getting one in the nuts

66

Yardthip rajpal

The half-Indian, half-Thai sex bomb on falling asleep in the middle of a scene and picking omelettes over everything else - especially Chinese Stew.

78

Commonly felt-up games

FHM goes Inception on the Commonwealth Games’ ass. In Exclusive interviews we discover the stadia will stop leaking and the tracks will hold up. Just, stop listening to Arnab Goswami and thank your stars for Jugaad.

72

the armY has been called in

The men of the Indian Army who are rebuilding Leh-Ladakh. Our tribute to them and the army divisions most vital to the re-building THE BORDERS ROAD ORGANISATION and TRISHUL

82 Al cApone

The New Yorker who became Boston’s largest mobster. The man who bashed skulls in with a baseball bat and still had a sense of humour. Try that on for size Quentin.

92

the man who eats everything

Bear Grylls - the biggest, baddest son-of-a-gun in the Nothern Hemisphere doing what he does best. Other than eating raw fish.

58 all you need to know this month

Fresh off the press. Everything you need to know and do, in Mumbai, Delhi and Bangalore (including the drinking parties). Morons said pick-up lines were too ‘90s, but we put together the worst ones of all time anyway.

118

ARE YoU DATING A pSYCHo?

We did. Several. But, don’t laugh, research says so will you. So, here are some tips on how to spot one, or to tell whether the one you are with is one.

6

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


regulars tHey get a nod from tHe barman

access

we’re always going to love wwf always 14 letterS 16 JOKeS

18 tHe BOdy cOuNt 20 NeWS

22 true StOrIeS

24 tHe auSSIe Pm

26 GIrl Next dOOr 28 cOlumNS

32 mOSt WaNted GIrl

filter

like a pop Culture quorma with too muCh gravy 36 reSIdeNt evIl 4

38 vIdeO GameS SPecIal 48 aBHISHeK KaPOOr 50 INdIe rOcK

52 BeNtley mulSaNNe 53 mad meN

54 tHe cOOleSt WatcH ever 56 audIO KamaSutra

+

UP GRADE

beCause it’s okay not to hate yourself anymore 88 SHOPPING

90 Smart SHOeS

98 cOmPlete faSHION advIce 104 KayaKING

106 mud-PluGGING carS 109 Smart PHONeS 112 BraIN

119 me aNd my mecHaNIc 120 eSSeNtIal SKIllS

& 121 tHe fINal cOuNtdOWN

44

South IndIa’S hotteSt Import amy jackSon True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


access storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

WELCOME TO FHM. COME On In, yOu HAvE An ALL ACCEss PAss

jokes PAGE 16

news PAGE 20

true stories PAGE 22

columns PAGE 28

but first, by popular demand, it’s… pallavi das

fhmindia.com

September 2010

13


access

DEAR FHM…09/10 Pleasantly surprised

The August issue was awesome! I loved and so did my girlfriend. The change was refreshing and for the first time I was glad that an Indian men’s magazine seemed global. Way to go! Ravi, Gujarat Hey Ravi! Thanks for reading the all new FHM. Great to know the girls are liking it too.

Football Freaks

You have no idea how helpful the A-Z guide to the EPL was. I have actually scanned it and mailed it to my colleagues who don’t know anything about the game and pretend to be too cool when people talk about the EPL. Thanks! Mayer, Chennai Hey Mayer! We totally understand what you’re saying man. Glad to know you educated those fools and saved them from displaying their disgraceful football illiteracy. Cheers!

The Right Cover girl

I watched Aisha and I feel Lisa Haydon was a complete knock out and well Kudos on the right choice of cover. Not a great adaptation but what a hot body that!

bonding with the bond

“The Ultimate Totty” was a very well written piece and I had just finished watching all the Bond movies for the first time in my life. I am a Mass Communication student and I will be working on an assignment on James Bond the novel and the MGM movie adaptations. Thanks. Gaurav, Mumbai Hi Gaurav,

A C A P I TA L L E T T E R

Fahrenheit meter

I have very firm reason behind my calling “FHM – Fahrenheit Metre”. Because, FHM measures the Body Temperature of a real male body more accurately than any other Thermometer does. The moment I watched Lisa Haydon, the mercury started soaring and by the time I reached Kainaat Arora via Malvika Ralhan, it was almost out of its sheath. But the conventional device still showed only 98.4 degree. So, in order to get the appropriate treatment, which material one should rely on? GLASS or CLASS? Yours truly, AJIT, New Delhi

14

LuCky buM

now that is how its done!

Cult SirenS

Jasvinder, Delhi Hey Jasvinder! Honest we skipped the movie but we got you the best part we hope! Enjoy.

man Honor Black

e P u S S y G a l o Re a n C o n n e R y HeR Bond: S finGeR Movie: Gold

ess U r s U l a a n d: r

be told – she’s as much Eh heh. Heh. Ok truth like as she is for the here for what she looks of course she was a name. Oh, that and she met him. The practicing lesbian when to call the character filmmakers though intended already calling her was Kitty – but the Brit press sense prevailed. Pussy. Thankfully good

Honey RydeR an ConneRy HeR Bond: Se Movie: dR no we the original novel, and We can tell you about the Andress emerging from will later. But Ursula still makes us say ohohohoho sea in a white bikini versions than the and it’s spawned more course nations. The name of population of small the sac power she wielded in was a tribute to the that top. Now for the part – the original girl on novel oh crap. The original will make you say – naked from the waves. had Honeychile emerging see Ursula Andress in But who cares, did you from the ocean her white bikini emerging subsequent swinging shells? It’s made very and women weep for generations of men voted s often enough been different reasons. She’ all time. The innocent, of girl Bond best the her the hunting knife shows curvy island girl with high Bond from Dr No’s deadly side by rescuing and armed guards and powered patrol boat the sob story she peddles dogs. There’s of course killed at the age of 15, she to Bond- about how in his a black widow spider her rapist by putting die. there watching him mosquito net and stood she and Bond are No, Once captured by Dr wink), put through an stripped down (wink Dr No orders his anti-radiation bath before “their amusement”. for guards to take her away course is cut short by of The guard’s amusement from Mr Bond rescues her Double O. The trust As just before it floods. a sluice gate chamber getaway from a watery they are making a quit never really been theirs grave that would have rather thoughtfully the (Bond is indestructible), middle of the sea. in the boat runs out of fuel Mister Bond and Madame Seeing this as a sign, their sea legs. Our second Ryder proceed to test romp the in the world after most favourite romp in the woods.

Bond: “No, I’m just looking.

Forget wet dreams, this one Fuelled Fantasies.

Finally, one reason to thank the brit tabloids them had it not been Forbeen pussy would have called kitty. from makes several detours The movie of course Pussy Honor Blackman as Fleming’s depiction. a Galore’s Flying Circus, Galore heads Pussy women aviators in group of professional “Operation: Grand connection with Goldfinger’s is a raven-haired novel, she Slam”. While in the she is blonde and her lesbian, in the movie ambiguous perhaps sexuality is a little more she is for both teams. After hinting that she bats has a change of affiliation seduced by Bond, she nerve evil plan of spraying and foils Goldfinger’s She is then forced by gas over Fort Knox. Air Force 1 that is Gold-finger to commandeerHouse. Naturally, White carrying Bond to the orbit into Goldfinger sends Bond saves the day, they a plane crash. Once and saves Pussy from ground in a parachute, land safely, hitting the whole going undercover a they proceed to give better one). new meaning (a much

She didn’t really need the dagger hanging from her belt. but did you know - the original novel had honeychile emerging from the waveS naked. but who careS it Still won’t ruin your fantaSy Honey: “What would it? are you doing here? Looking naah. there’S for shells?” a reaSon She waS voted the hotteSt bond girl of all time. aS an added bonuS She liked to be on top.

Pussy: My name is Pussy Galore Bond: I must be dreaming.

an ConneRy H e R B o n d : S eo n d S a R e f o R e v e R Movie: diaM The only Bond girl on last the list who’s real life name is as innuendo one. laden as her reel life We love Lana Wood. True she played a brief in but memorable role the movie, but she could match any of the Bond

girls bosom to bosom. at Plenty runs into Bond a Vegas Casino where she just happens to overhear our flamboyant spy place a bet for little $10,000. What too you say? It was 1971! Jeez!

Anyway being the thorough spy with the roving eye that he is Bond takes ample note of her assets. The fact, that she is bending over a table with chips of course helps. Plenty combines three of our

Plenty: Hi I’m Plenty. (leaning over the table) Bond: But of course you are.

major loves – a name that makes us snigger, did gambling and dude… you see the picture! Anyway one thing leads to another. Since most another things in Bond flicks end up either in underwater graves with or pet man-eater sharks one in a hotel room- this satin seems headed for a bad sheet climax. Till the guy – Blofeld’s men rudely barge in. The they heartless rascals that topless a eject they are – Plenty from the hotel window; in true Hindi in film style Plenty lands is a swimming pool and saved, but not for long. The poor girl does meet in a watery end, that too a swimming pool when Bloefeld’s gay assassins tie her feet to a massive bath plug.

August 2010

fhmindia.com

74

l ana Wood le o Plenty o’to

fhmindia.com

August 2010

Woho! A geek that took some stuff off us? We are flattered and we want a copy of that assignment. Cheers!

The Pfeiffer Rush

Thanks for the international format. I actually picked up a copy seeing the upgrade call out on the cover and was pleasantly surprised to see that you have retained the international format. Ravi, Delhi Hey dude, we assure you cent per cent satisfaction for your money spent and we say it at the cost of sounding like sex workers. Fear not.

Jai Ho!

Henry Rimmer’s visit must have been awesome! I have always purchased the international issue burning a Rs 600 hole in my pocket but this time my girlfriend got me the August Issue and I was very happy to see that the FHM India has changed for a lot better. I especially liked Choudhary Veer Singh’s style tips. Keep the good works coming! Cheers! Rushil, Delhi. Hey Rushil, Choudhary was very glad to know you liked his style tips. More to follow soon. Keep reading. Cheers!

75

Wow! to the FHM August issue. It was brilliant. The decent glamourised photogenic presentations of Lisa Haydon with a tag line saying she can cook was just awesome. Made me wonder how Daboo Ratnani controlled passions during the shoot. I thoroughly enjoyed the articles The ultimate totty. Why do women like male bosses and Undo her bra with one hand. The August issue was very well entertaining. Thank you. MPS Chadha, Chandigarh Thanks to you Mr Chadha. As you have rightly pointed it out, controlling our passions was indeed hard in front of the beautiful Lisa Haydon. We might have failed in our attempts to flirt but she is sure to share her recipe of butter chicken with us soon. Cheers. Esprit is an attitude and not an age; Esprit is for the male and female, who are young at heart and live and dress in a stylish and contemporary way.

September 2010

This letter has won an Esprit On Track Night watch fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


access

JOKeS

F H M R u L E #818 There iS no Such Thing aS “a quick go on The XBoX”.

big Momma!

What’s the best way for a man to get rid of excess fat? Divorce her.

stitch up

My mate said I was too tight to get a pint in. Six hours of surgery and 36 stitches later, I admitted he was right.

Clever barter

A travelling saleswoman is driving towards home in Madhya Pradesh when she sees a woman hitchhiking. She stops the car and the Indian woman gets in. After a bit of small talk, the woman notices a brown bag on the front seat. “What’s in the bag?”, she asks. “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”. The woman is silent for a while, then nods and says, “You made a good trade”.

Word play

Was gonna to send a joke about acronyms, but TBH CBA OJ LOL.

stats speak

Female troubles

If a fire station can go up in flames, and a plumbing company can go down the drain, can a prostitute get laid off?

Fruit salad

A man walks into his doctor’s office and whines, “Doc, you’ve got to help me; I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my ass.” The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, “I’ve got cream for that!”

Hero Alert

How does Batman’s wife call him for dinner? Dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman!

16

THE bIg JOkE

Chalk it up

on monday morning, teacher walked to the blackboard and noticed someone had written the word “penis” in tiny letters. She turned around, but couldn’t find the guilty face. She quickly erased it and began her class. tuesday, she was again greeted with “penis” on the blackboard, written in larger letters. She looked in vain for the culprit, and then proceeded with the day’s lesson. every morning for the rest of the week, “penis” was written on the board in larger and larger letters, and each time, the teacher furiously erased it. By Friday, she’d had enough. “that’s enough,” she sputtered. “I can’t believe this! monday morning, I expect an explanation for this behaviour!” the next monday morning, the teacher confidently entered the classroom and found on the board: “don’t you know – the more you rub it, the bigger it gets?”

Cat scratch fever

nOW

A frustrated wife got some Viagra IT’S yOu for her husband. Her doctor told TuRn… her to give him one pill a night, Send your gags to fhm@maxposure.in and that he would call to check in with her after a week. That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband’s food and got a good rogering. The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before. The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable. A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple’s son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mum. The son replied that his mum was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting and his dad was standing naked in the front

September 2010

garden, yelling, “Here kitty, kitty!”

One horse town

Q: A cowboy rides into town on Friday, and three days later, he leaves on Friday. How? A: The horse’s name is Friday.

Hippy yogi

Why did the Maharishi not want novocaine when he had a tooth pulled? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Mars Attack

Two martians landed on a country road on India in the middle of the night. “Where are we?” one martian asked. “I think we’re in a cemetery,” replied the other, “Look at the gravestone over there that man lived to be 108.” “What’s his name?” “Kms to Shimla.” fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Illustration: Angus Cameron.

A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: - 5% said it was to get a glass of water. - 12% said it was to go to the toilet. - 83% said it was to go home.


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


access HOW mucH are yOur GutS WOrtH? THE AnsWER TO yOuR DEbT CRIsIs Is CLOsER TO HOME THAn yOu THInk

Heart

` 14,455,310 in Taiwan and Singapore, though if you sell one of these the chances are you’ve become a murderer.

Unemployed? Morally bankrupt? Got veins that run cold with evil instead of warm human blood? Then you could do worse than get into the organ trade industry. Find a sick rich person, then a poor desperate person. Boom! You’ve hit the big money. The illegal organ trade is in such rude health that governments are considering legalising it in order to cut out the middlemen, but in the meantime, just how much can you make? These are estimated prices, what with black market organ dealers not being the best with their taxes…

Liver

you can’t live without this sadly, but they can cut a bit off here and there. Get the best deal in Singapore at ` 10,838,256

Pancreas

A bit like Jordan, no one really knows what the pancreas does. What we do know is its worth: ` 5,058,616, wherever

skeleton

Mostly come from the third world. not cheap – a skull will go for ` 50,586, a tibia fetches ` 5,781. Do the maths.

kidney – ` 7,226,334 Lung – ` 10,841,325 Liver – ` 10,838,256 Pancreas – ` 5,058,616, Heart – ` 14,455,310 skeleton – ` 130,081 bODy COunT TOTAL

kidney

you have a pair, but can function with just one. Selling in Turkey may net ` 7,226,334; avoid Pakistan where they go for ` 505,857

THE InTERnET’s gETTIng IT’s OWn RED LIgHT DIsTRICT, buT DID yOu knOW… 18

WHy dId tHe cHIcKeN crOSS tHe rOad… bECAusE kALMADI WAs WALkIng On THE sAME sIDE OF THE ROAD

That was where the pub was.

Segments of the lung can be removed and sold, though the big bucks is in whole air bags. you’ll get ` 10,841,325 in South Africa.

web porn by the numbers

nEW JOkEs

she’d already seen what we’d done to the duck.

Lung

D I g I TA L D I R T

What double chin?

`48,549,922

12% of the websites on the internet are pornographic, that’s 24,644,172. Every second on the ‘filth web’, Rs 146,796 is being spent on pornography and 28,258 internet users are viewing porn. 1 in 3 people who look at internet muck are women, while 70% of men aged between 18-24 look at porn during the month. No surprise there.

To get to the toilet where all the cocks hang out. because it was young, impetuous and had no sense of its own mortality. It was probably on its way to join the end of the enormous queue of people and barnyard animals clambering over each other to get tickets to see me. because it had a dream that one day a chicken could cross the road without why why why? To get to the coronation. A chicken’s motion is random, it is incorrect to anthromorphise it and ascribe it with human motives. Alright then, to escape the chicken shagger.

8% of all emails are pornographic – that’s 2.5 billion a day! 25% of all search requests online are for grot. That’s 68 million a day. out of every single download, some 35% are pornographic in nature. The average age at which children will first encounter pornography online is 11.

There are 116,000 searches for “child pornography” every day, which is high on the list of the most depressing things ever. 20% of men have watched porn at work. The average time spent looking at it is 6 minutes and 29 seconds. The worldwide online porn industry is worth an estimated Rs 2,313,092,090 with half being accounted for by the US.

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


access

dumB NeWS

Ver are your kipperz?

was doing, he is reported to have told them, “Not good,” but he had “seen some nice strippers”. The icing on the cake of course was that he denied driving the SUV altogether and claimed he’d arrived there with help from ‘martians’.

scary Harry!

sTRIPPED

and ode to the lil’ diCtator

the town of adipur might not be known for much, but when it comes to charlie chaplin the town takes the cake. every day is an ode to the comedian so, much so that his birthday is now celebrated with more fanfare than a festival. It all started in 1973 after chemist ashok aswani saw the Gold rush overseas. he set up a fan club and began giving away chaplin gear with medicines. now the whole town is hooked on to. arjunji Friya, 70, said: “It’s a day we wait for every year. It’s our biggest festival.”

The yogi diet

A team of military doctors backed by India’s national defence research centre is studying an 83-year-old holy man who claims to have spent seven decades surviving without food or water. The long-haired and bearded yogi, Prahlad Jani, has been sealed in a hospital in the western city of Ahmedabad where he is under 24-hour observation by 30 doctors and will be subjected to a series of medical tests. 20

Chilly bomb

India has its own Dirty Harry. A zero-tolerence Mumbai policeman who has allegedly killed 87 suspects and according to human rights activists showing no signs of slowing down. Even as Inspector Pradeep Sharma’s methods are questioned by human rights groups, he remains unrepentant. In fact, like Clint Eastwood in a movie, he insists that he acts in self-defence. “These criminals are filth. My mission is to cleanse the city of this filth and its working,” he said. “If they’re armed and resist arrest, then I have to shoot in self-defence. “Why this concern for them? If they’re walking about with AK-47s, you can be sure they’re not going to the temple or going shopping.”

It’s called the world’s hottest chilly and now the thumb-sized bhut jolokia, or ghost chilly will have a new claim to fame. It will now be used by the Indian military to make hand grenades to immobilize terrorist suspects. Scientists at the Indian Defence Laboratories found the chilly grenade fit for use after trials. The scientists at the Defence Research and Development Organisation too had confirmed the same, according to a defence spokesman in the north-eastern state of Assam.

Holy beast!!

Driving him crazy

Hold your tongue and say that. Doesn’t work? Hold your tongue and say pant-chor. American pervert Dillon Makuski, 20 is the former. The 20-year-old landed himself in hot water after being caught stealing dirty nappies from a home in Massachusetts. Makuski was detained by the family until a sheriff could arrive. The cop found six soiled nappies in his pockets. The poopocketed perv now faces 30 months of probation and 200 hours of community service.

Wisconsin police were called to a local strip club in Madison recently after a 50-year-old man crashed his car into a nightclub. Eye witnesses recount how the man was ejected from the nightclub after he vomited in the VIP area. He then climbed into his car and reversed it at ramming speed into the club’s entrance. The seriously sozzled man then drove his car over a busy road and calmly parked it in an empty space. When police pulled up and asked how he

P Selvumar, a 33-year-old man in India, married a dog at a temple in Tamil Nadu. The bride, a mutt, wore a traditional orange sari and a flower bun. Selvumar told the BBC the marriage was his way to atone for stoning two other dogs to death. An incident that he believes left him cursed. On his Dilbert blog, Scott Addams expressed relief that at least this wasn’t a gay man-onbeast sex or a tribute to animal porn. Its still funny nevertheless.

nappy chor!

September 2010

is your pet a raCist?

FInD OuT WITH THIs sIMPLE TEsT A dude we don’t know too well thinks his cat is racist (tiny.cc/5oh0v). your pet could be too: if it growls at Denzel but not Robbie...

1

Giant Panda Ailuropoda melanoleuca Grrrr Purr

2

Denzel Washington Actorus Thespianicus Grrrr Purr

3

Robbie Williams Boybandus Antiquess Grrrr Purr

4

Killer whale Orcinus Orca Grrrr Purr

5

Gulshan Grover Shortus Circuitus Grrrr Purr fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


true stories

#182 sHocking confessions The horror!

I sneaked my girlfriend into my colony one merciless winter night. We were at my parking lot when things began to get steamy. Before she knew it, she was naked in the back seat and well that is exactly when the colony guard had come for his routine checks. Due to the thick fog we did not realize that he was near the car until he flashed his torch on her on the backseat. DAMN! FHM CL AssIC sTORy

Facebook Faux Pas

shady Daddy

I was 19, and a junkie and I pursued a girl from school till she agreed to go out with me. I smuggled in a bottle of wine, bought tickets to a romantic movie and everything seemed hunky dory until we started talking about our families. Our fathers knew each other. Hers was the prison officer and mine was serving a sentence he had recently been busted by the CBI. She dumped me. Duh!

VineGar strokes

Teeth

Like every child’s dream, me and my childhood buddy Simran decided to build a tree house. I don’t know why I didn’t know then that I am not to trust a woman with tools. The first step- she decided to nail a plank of wood with a golf club and well she missed it. It hit my mouth and I ended up swallowing two teeth. not to mention my brother told on me to my grandmother who came running to me with her walking stick!

sea or sorrow

“My mate Jon swallowed something that should not be named. It’s 100% true. We were at

I never get bored of swimming

22

beach in Barcelona, man made for the ’92 Olympics. In hindsight we were asking for trouble. He was doing handstands in the sea, so had his eyes shut because of the salt water and an otter slipped into his gullet – he had to go to casualty on his return to Blighty for injections against Hepatitis A and B. Grim.”

Pop-o-holic

“My sister’s wedding took place on a beach in Scotland. A strange choice, but it was very warm and the day worked out really well, right up to when I went to open the champagne. The bubbly had been sitting in the sun for a few hours so was ready to explode, and when I unwound the cage it did so – right in the face of the chief bridesmaid. The cork shot out at something like the speed of light and smacked her on the cheek bone, causing a huge black eye. I’d love to say she saw the funny side, but she didn’t, partly as her eye was quickly swelling shut.”

“My wife and I had a whirlwind, international romance – we lived on different continents when we met, and were married within a year. And as anyone who’s had a long distance relationship will tell you, moments spent together are intense – you pack a lot in to a short space of time. Which meant that when we spent a few days together on a small Indonesian island off Singapore, we didn’t have a lot else on our mind. our first day was spent at the beach – sunbathing, paddling, a long romantic walk along the beach and finally a dip in the sea. But, well, it had been weeks… so despite the water, we didn’t cool off. No, in fact we got hotter. So hot in fact that we had to remove our bathers… so hot that we needed to be in deeper water, further from the beach, out of view of the hotel towel attendants. So hot, that the conclusion was inevitable. But just at that inevitable moment, an

excruciating bolt of pain shot through my body… and judging by the scream coming from my fiancée, hers too. ‘Shaaaark! I’ve been bitten in two,’ I yelled, and, in panic, I started to help my fiancée to the shore… before another bolt of pain hit us and we discovered that our legs were intact, and the ‘shark’ was in fact a jellyfish. Frantically, we stumbled to the shallows and pulled our bathers over the evidence of the stings – huge red welts, right across our undercarriages. We ran up the beach to the towel guy who took one look at our agonized expressions, and, broad grin spreading across his face, handed us both a bottle of vinegar with which we doused ourselves with. And then we hobbled back to our room to await the certain death which would surely be a relief from the agony. Four hours later, we dressed and went to the bar, and allowed gin to soak away the shock. But that was it for the other activities.” -Anurag Bhasin, Goa Illustration: Stephen Collins

I pulled this girl of facebook who was a friend of a friend. I took her out, splashed the cash and even underwent the flowers and chocolate drill. The time came after a massive round of drinking at TC to seal the deal and she politely leant back and said sorry. She crossed the road to her car except that she had an accident and I spent the entire night at Max Devki Devi. Chivalry is dead? Says who?

Every Month two of the strangest stories we pick will win a pair of Oakleys. Take attitude to the street with Oakley DISPATCH. The sunglass goes big, with confident contours and cunning technology that allows you to customize your frame with interchangeable “O” icons.

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


The Masterchef made his move for the invisible female clientele

FHM vERsus

drINK WItH yOur fruIt, SIr?

COuLD sCRuFFy FHM’s FIRsT EvER ‘PROPER COCkTAIL’ TRIuMPH AgAInsT A kICk-Ass bARTEnDER?

W

e like a challenge. Like eating ten frankfurters. Or stroking strange cats in the street. In comparison, competing in the final of the Diageo World Class competition to find the best bartender armed with a recipe for vodka and Coke sounded easy. We strolled into the venue with a confidence that would put Tom ‘The Cruiser’ Cruise to shame only to be confronted with two guys you saw on MasterChef. They’re sitting next to a TV, next to him is the author of cocktail book and some yahoo called Andy Morris from a pamphlet called ‘GQ’ or

(

something. They’re the judges. They look dead serious. At the futuristic and wellstocked bar is a man with combedback hair making ridiculous drinks with dry ice and rhubarb air. He’s Erik Lorincz, a bartender at The Connaught Hotel in London. He’s competing against Stephen Martin, from Rick’s in Edinburgh, who’s playing with basil-infused egg white and gin. This is the final. What they don’t know yet is we’re playing the winner. Once again we realise we’re way out of our depth. We’re surrounded by bottles of fancy alcohol like Pampero rum and Bulleit bourbon. This is P Diddy,

twits oF twitter

THIs MOnTH WE’vE bEEn MOsTLy FOLLOWIng JuLIA gILLARD THE nO-nOnsEnsE, nEW AussIE PM

24

(

I’m two parts gin, one part vom

high-class escort girls and tigers doing live sex shows drinking. The only person FHM knows who makes cocktails is a 26-year-old Chinese man called Richard who has a ponytail, smokes weed and is convinced the world is one giant conspiracy theory. We phone him from the toilet. We emphasise the need for simplicity and he responds with a whisky sour recipe. Ingredients: four parts sour (lemon juice), two parts sugar syrup, eight parts spirit (Johnny

JuLsgILLARD! Kids found a black widow in the garden, no bother, I called in an air strike. BOOYAH! An hour ago

JuLsgILLARD! My idea to rename Ayers Rock ‘The Nipple’ has been vetoed by the Aborigines, bloody spoil sports. About 12 hours ago

JuLsgILLARD! Of course the annoying thing is, my man here has to fly to everyone else’s country, but of course I don’t qualify for air miles… 5 hours ago

JuLsgILLARD! Been thinking for ages about what my legacy might be. So far I want to tow New Zealand closer and concrete over it. Hey presto, memorial car park. Yesterday

September 2010

Walker Black Label), two dashes Angostura bitters (don’t touch yourself after handling this), splash of egg white. Method: put everything except the bitters in a shaker, add ice, shake, strain into a martini glass, add bitters. We re-enter The River Room with our plan on scrap paper as Torode announces Erik as the winner. We’re invited up to the bar. To avoid highlighting FHM’s lack of creativity, Eric’s also making a whisky sour. We get to work. A red-faced Torode waits to get

JuLsgILLARD! JESUS CHRIST MEL, WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP?! About 1 day ago

‘unministerial’ for me to drink beer at state receptions, wine just tastes like donkey piss. About 2 days ago

JuLsgILLARD! Missing the old country. Wondering whatever happened to my feathered boa. About 2 days ago

JuLsgILLARD! I’m not sure about that Cameron to be honest. Looks like a fat kid who hasn’t had enough sun. About 3 days ago

JuLsgILLARD! Pff! Apparently it’s

JuLsgILLARD! Just in a meeting to

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

sELF-CHECk

the other aCtion hero his chops round the drinks. We go first. “It’s a bit diluted,” he says. We nod. “You left it with the ice too long. You needed to shake it more and get it out quicker.” Sorry John. Sorry P Diddy. He continues: “You’ve got a good base note with the warmth from the whisky and the sourness from the citrus.” Boom! We are all about base notes. He adds: “Also, whisky sours are shorter than that. That’s a big bastard.” We take that as a compliment and go for a high-five. He dodges and reaches for Erik’s drink which, mysteriously, is a different colour to ours. “Aaah, that’s more like it.” Screw you, world. We’re off for a pint Kingfisher and TGIF makes better whiskey sour than you.

Eric’s winning cocktail

Rising To The sky For the cocktail: 45ml Tanqueray No. 10 10ml yuzu juice 20ml lemon juice 30ml fresh pineapple juice 10ml Fino dry sherry 15 mls sugar syrup 8 coriander leaves For the botanical steam: Coriander, juniper and grapefruit peel macerated in hot water and poured over dry ice. Method: Shake over ice cubes, double strain, serve straight up with the botanical steam on the side.

Photography: Joe Morgan.

see if we can get Kylie canonised. About 3 days ago JuLsgILLARD! Turns out training kangaroos to be my personal bodyguards is not a valuable use of tax payers money, pah! These suits are boring as hell. About 4 days ago

fhmindia.com

He may have been looked over for The Expendables, but the Chuck norris myth goes on

1 2

Giraffes were created after chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.

Leading hand sanitisers claim they can kill 99.9% of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100% of whatever the hell he wants.

3

the city of dallas was brought to a standstill after it renamed its main thoroughfare chuck Norris Boulevard. residents were terrified to cross chuck Norris.

4

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is an optical illusion. His right foot doesn’t swing around and hit your head, his left foot spins the Earth so that your head hits his foot.

5

When a journalist asked chuck Norris about his decision to shave his beard, chuck replied, “If I told you, I’d have to kill you.” He then laughed a little bit, realising that he was going to kill the journalist anyway.

6

In 1968 Chuck Norris went on holiday to London. He walked into the pub in St John’s Wood and promptly drank a keg of Guinness. When the barman asked him to pay his tab, Chuck Norris produced a belch that lasted for 93 minutes. Tape recorders running in a nearby recording studio captured the event and today we know this recording as The Beatles’ The White Album.

7

the original title for alien vs Predator was alien and Predator vs chuck Norris. the film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay to see a film that was 14 seconds long.

8

Chuck Norris once climbed Mt Everest by accident.

Watch out for Chuck Norris Cannot Be Stopped

#2 south aFriCa 2010 T H E F H M D E b AT E

As the clean-up begins, Thom Gibbs, editor of the-gaffer.com, argues with the tournament’s biggest noise, the Vuvuzela, about whether the World Cup was good for South Africa bAD

gOOD

Hosting things Let’s be honest: is rubbish. You everyone expected open your us to balls this up, home to didn’t they? And strangers, they granted, as a amble in country we have without wiping their feet, drink your got a fairly rocky past. And you could beer, mock your wallpaper, then the argue that there are some social issues girl you fancy cops off with a nut in a that were never going to be solved by silly hat. South Africa is waking up spending a shit ton of money on really after throwing a month-long party, impressive fountains. But what the there’s shit everywhere, a chap with dissenters have forgotten about is the dreadlocks is wide-eyed on the sofa fun! The World Cup has imbued the after too many drugs, and some people of South Africa with an bastard’s stolen their X-box. enormous amount of pride and Unlike a house party, a World Cup confidence that will echo long after costs an eye-watering amount. You the last team has left. might balk at splashing out on Archbishop Desmond Tutu has been pineapple and cheese on cocktail at a loss for words when describing this sticks, but try buying things like transformative moment in South Africa’s stadiums, police forces and mysterious history. He even made comparisons ‘infrastructure’. The tournament cost with the release of Nelson Mandela South Africa in the region of Rs 24 bn. from prison 20 years ago and the FIFA walked away with Rs 14.5bn, tax country’s first democratic election in free. Wonderful. 1994. New roads, hotels and Sure, things weren’t as bad as many infrastructure will remain for years to had predicted, but come, bringing industry when it’s a triumph and aiding tourism that that the stadiums were will increase as built on time and no among 3,300,000,000 confidence one attending the tourists rises and the The total bill, in pounds, tournament got Afro-pessimism that for the competition stabbed we’re hardly came before is looking at a runaway forgotten. It was 21,000,000 success. glorious. Extra pints were drunk “We’ve got giraffes, And in closing I during the World Cup beautiful giraffes, but would like to say… we don’t have money, BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB 70 we don’t have work,” a BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB Percentage of uK local told The BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB adults who watched a Guardian before the BBBBBBBBBBBBBBB whole match during tournament. While BBBUUUUUUUUU the World Cup World Cups do UUUUUUUUUUUU provide jobs but UUUUUUUUUUUU 5.5 directing people to UUUUUUUUUUUU Average hours wasted by their seats for UUUUUUUUUUUU workers checking scores Honduras vs Chile is UUUUUUUUUUUU in the office throughout hardly a career for life. UUUUUUUUUUUU the tournament The real problems UUUUUUUUUUUU in South Africa are UUUUUUUUUUUU 1,200,000 going to take a bit UUUUUUZZZZZZZ Expected number of more than some ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ kettles being turned on if long-range goals and ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ England’s final match pretty fireworks to ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ had gone to penalties address. ZZZZZZZZZZZ.

world Cup in numbers

September 2010

25


access Would you check out someone’s facebook profile before going out on a date? Yes, it is a possibility although not a cent per cent deciding factor. I would definitely check his info and it’s a major turn off if he copy pasted his favourites from somewhere. We know you have a boyfriend (sigh!). but if you were single what would you look for in a man? He should be fun to hang out with. Shouldn’t be clingy and well should know the difference between chivalrous and clingy. Posy profile pic or silly profile pic? None, a neutral and normal one. What’s the best way to befriend you on facebook? I do not entertain random friends’ requests, I hate the ‘fraandships’ types. I add people who I know personally. should we tag pictures or let you tag them? Let me tag them. I do not want ugly and embarrassing pictures of me on facebook. Have you ever pulled through facebook? No, no one random for me. We hear you are a PR person? Yes, I am a very talkative person and I am very diplomatic so I guess it’s the right job for me. Tell us something spontaneous about you? Sometimes my friends forcibley make me smile even if I am not up for it, just to see my dimple. It can get really annoying.

Vitals

Aashima Malik Age: 23 From:

New Delhi

nickname:

Shimmy

Facebook fact:

Does not add strangers EVER

IT ’ s yOuR ...

GIrl Next dOOr

WHEn SHE SEnDS uS A PRESS nOTE...WE CARRy

26

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

nOW IT’S yOuR TuRn Have a hot friend? She could be here. Write to us on fhm@maxposure.in

MALVIKA’S ‘FRIEnD’ name: Ankush Khera Age: 24 From: New Delhi “Aashima is a very energetic girl and all her friends love her”

Win a free UbiSUrfer netbook from DataWinD

He just won an ultra-portable UbiSurfer netbook worth Rs 7,999. The funky gadget comes with free Internet connectivity, is WiFi and LAN enabled and even has an in-built cellular modem and an embedded SIM card.

FHM’s almost Famous

These are the other faces we swooned over this month...

JaSmine kalha From: Mumbai Words: Sonata Parashar. Photographer: Vinod Aggarwal. Hair & make-up: Priyanka Kapoor. Location: The Living Room Cafe, Hauz Khas Village, New Delhi. Production: Glitz Modelling and Production

Creative and a dancer We loved her but she fell just short. It was a tough call this month.

fhmindia.com

linDa Sailo From: nagaland

she is a student of Amity university. Cute and nice and everything in-between but she missed it by a whisker. but she’s going into the archives.

akanSha agarWal From: Delhi she is an out and out girl’s convent product. We absolutely loved the sharp features.

Urvi JinDal From: Delhi

she is a total party animal we hear. A smile that had won our hearts. Our heads thought otherwise. Damn it.

September 2010

27


access COLuMn kAbEER sHARMA…

WHO’S a PIG NOW eH?

Is It tIme to strIke back? Is manIssance the only way out? what are men goIng to burn? all that and why we hate ladIes’ nIghts I hate ladies’ nights. Flog me publicly, rub Brazilian fire ants on the soles of my feet, call me a pig – which incidentally I am according to the Chinese Horoscope (either that or dog) but I don’t care. I hate ladies nights with a vengeance unbecoming of a gentlemen. Ever since I walked into a pub on a Tuesday night a year ago, I have been dying to write this. But the fact that I previously worked for a magazine with a very strong under-current of emasculation got in the way. As you can tell from the issue in your hands – things have changed considerably. Then of course Double O’s demise made us put issues of pride on the back-burner. Now the question that you would have been asking for the last 30 seconds you spent skimming this intro is whether it would not be borderline blasphemous to hate ladies’ nights? After all what fault could I find in a night where women arrive in the dozens, spend a good part of the night downing mojitos like tequila, only to then mix with available (not always) men. Isn’t that what shag-prospecting dreams are made of? Well, they are if you find yourself at a pub a hop, skip and a bloody eight hour flight away. The things at home present a rather unique problem. Wouldn’t the core principals of a girls’ night have been pissed upon if single men were not to be allowed inside pubs? And whoever came up with the whole concept of referring to unaccompanied men as ‘stags’? While we get the whole underlying ‘men are animals’ theme it raises another issue – I’ve seen even the fiercest feminists serenade a ladies’ night. And it’s this hypocrisy that baffles me even more than being turned away at a pub. Are a shot of tequila and a glass of free sangria all those fiery ideologies on objectification of women were worth? The fact is that ladies’ night objectifies women as much as the girl in the shave foam ad or the big bosomed women in the red bikini trying to sell cement. Ladies’ nights are meant to draw men – women get free drinks only to invite the men in on what would otherwise be a slow night. The drinks are freebies, a sugar trap. Then why is it a problem if the men complain? Call us weak, unsure, insecure or wusses the fact is that we’re living in times of growing Reverse Sexism. We bat for equality – we’re all for it. But the fact remains that in certain sections of society, supporting anything even faintly male-oriented will get you dragged onto the streets and whipped till blue, or pissing blood. A friend experienced this recently – at his work place where he was almost fed to hungry dogs by his female work colleagues. His fault? The girls at work were discussing how unsafe Delhi is for women. And we agree it isn’t safe, though I am sick of people whose single line tag line about Delhi is – Oh girls get raped there. His argument of course was that women go to 28

“a ladieS’ nighT oBjecTifieS women juST aS much aS a girl in a ShaVe foam ad or Big BoSomed women in a red Bikini TrYing To Sell cemenT ” malls in certain parts of Delhi, they should dress appropria…before he could say ‘tely’, he was accused of being a regressive pig, a rascal who wanted to put all women in the hijaab (that he was a Muslim didn’t help) and of course an asshole. The problem of course is a rather basic one while we maintain men who lech or make obscene passes at women should be castrated and it should be done publicly. True, a girl should have the freedom to decide her hemline on basis of what she wants and the law is there for her safety. Tragically, we don’t live in an ideal world – we don’t leave our cars open with the keys still in them because they get stolen, we padlock our house doors. The law ladies, has never been an excuse for common sense. That’s all we’ve tried to say and failed. The fact is that the situation in the professional work place has and is changing. There is a significant bunch of ladies in power, and even as the men have been happy to share the arc lights (some more than others and most more than the parliament) and in small measure things are beginning to turn around. We’re living in times where the very need of the male sperm is being questioned. They can make them from stem cells and god knows what else. So, where does it leave the man? We just think it’s time women who have arrived into power to stop playing the sexist card – there are other women in India who need it much more. The misuse of the dowry, rape and the sexual harassment laws against men though not a deluge

still happens, because the Indian law gives women several throw ‘His ass in jail cards’. The Indian sexual harassment law at the workplace for example makes no mention to the harassment of a man. Agreed there are men who are pigs (I know some of them) but is it too much if we asked for the right to say something that’s against the common belief? Even if it is something as simple as the assumptions that all men have houses can rival a pig pen for cleanliness and lose. We don’t all like big boobs and some of the cleanest houses I know are kept that way by their very heterosexual male masters. So then where is all this going? We don’t want to cry, we still think the guys who start NGOs for men battling for their rights (there are at least two handfuls in India) might be a little ahead of their time. But, that doesn’t mean that just because we’re fed on a dose of adrenalin we can’t complain. While the woman has changed, so has the man – now its women who need to make some space for the poor guy who’s already been inched M A n into a minority in places like F A C T lifestyle journalism. did You know P.S. This article is not There are aS meant to be read by lady manY aS 11 ngoS friends potential). Disagree working for with what I say? I’d love to take men’S righTS you out for a drink – on a ladies night of course.

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


access COLuMn

maN-uP! PEEPIng MARy

WHy A OnE-nIgHT sTAnD sHOuLD FEATuRE In EvERyOnE’s buCkET LIsT, AnD WHy MEn DOn’T PLAy bALL... To the moral police, feminists and egotistical men reading this column, I say ‘bugger off’ simply because no other expletives can be used! You secretly know I’m right but cannot accept it because you are either a man or a feminist wondering why I should truthfully represent what most women are afraid to admit. Consider this column a favour to your manhood! You might even want to clip this column from the magazine and carry it in your wallet because lets face it, a constant reminder never hurt anyone. C’mon, I don’t mean to be vicious so smile and enjoy! What Sex and the City, the HBO Series did for most women is create the inert/secret desire to be like its character- Samantha Jones, the hot shot, extremely sexual, PR lady from New York. Even in her 50’s, this lady knows to rock a mans world! So whether it was her string of one night stands or her tryst with lesbianism what Samantha’s character did for many of us, was to want to desperately give the other side of life, a shot! According to the ultimate search weapon Wikipedia, and I bet you didn’t now this, a one-night stand originally was referred to a single night theatre performance, usually by a guest group on tour. Today, however, the term is more commonly understood as a single sexual encounter between individuals, in which neither individual has any immediate intention or expectation of establishing a long-term sexual or romantic relationship. Three Cheers to Wikipedia; for giving black and white a spit shine. The whole idea that one night stand hinges on is whatever the outcome, you never should have to look back and wonder- “what if”? - That kills the essence and pleasure of the one night stand. Also has anyone ever heard of a relationship come out of a one night stand? Imagine if someone were to ask the couple- so how did you meet? That’ll be that! Text books and Samantha Jones promise that the one night stand will be awesome and something every man and woman should perhaps indulge in at least once ( we recommend more) in their life. But what if, this experience that’s meant to be a once in a lifetime pleasure turns out to be “ OH MY GAWD” where did this man learn to have sex or whether he watches porn for tips and why he thinks the neck is a drool cushion? If that’s the one night stand experience, it cannot be just that once because you need the man to step up to the plate and perform! To the Men- I know you are most likely hammered when you decide to walk the path frequently travelled of one night stands. But I say to you, with whatever little brain capacity you have left, it becomes your responsibility to think of what you bring to the table or even the bed for that matter (if not lusted after). If you are not ‘up’ to it or feel like it’s the girls job, may I please humbly request you to shut up, go home and fall asleep with porn or the telly. Because you don’t want the chica to leave, thinking “Damn, I wish there 30

“did You know a one nighT STand waS originallY referred To a one nighT TheaTre performance BY a ViSiTing group” were a practice test or a questionnaire I could administer before I decide on which schmuck I end up with“ And then not only would she want this night to never have happened, she is will tell her friends that you were just the worst at it and she may even point you out as ‘that’s the one’ when you meet again! Forget referrals you’ll need a shrink after that. And then, and most definitely - she will look for

one more opportunity to prove Samantha is right! And you, my friend, will be just a very bad memory. Sorry, Men: but you needed someone to tell you the truth and that for now, is me… Yours Truly Peeping Mary PS: Use Protection please! And stop watching porn for tips.

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


access

PallavI daS MOsT WA nTED

suLTRy, sEnsIbLE AnD In OuR sHIRT Why is Pallavi here? Simply put, we love a girl in our shirt. So, when the stylist couldn’t come up with a third change we were only too happy to offer. you see when a girl this hot asks you to take off your shirt you don’t really think. So, is that what happened? Almost. But the shirt that you see Pallavi Das playing around in wasn’t the shirt off our back. It was our shirt, but it was in a bag. But hey, nothing beats the new shirt smell like a really hot girl in it. And, we just read the last line and realised we haven’t written a word of what Pallavi does - other than wearing our shirts of course. Pallavi, a girl from Assam had always dreamt of becoming a model. But it was only after her graduation that she finally gave

‘it a shot’. In her few days in the world of glitz and glamour, Pallavi already has built an impressive kitty of work for herself. She has just done Lakme Fashion Week Spring/Summer 2010, a couple of other shows, but it’s the promo for Volkswagen Polo that we remember her from. So where will we see her again? She excitedly gushes about all that she wants to do in the future. “I want to do more print and TV commercials,” she says. Plus there is break into the big world of Bollywood she’s looking forward to. The story though gets even better. Pallavi is every bit the quintessential ‘Mills and Boon fairy tale romance’ kind of girl. She wants her perfect date to be

M A n F A C T SeVen of The SongS feaTured on leVi’S adVerTS haVe gone on To Become numBer oneS

32

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

Vital stats Pallavi Das Age: 22 Hometown: Assam One startling Fact:

Photographer: Kunal Lakhani, Makeup & Hair: Elton Fernandes, Bikini top from Just Phat, Shirt FHM’s

Pallavi is an insomniac... and hardly EVER sleeps

fhmindia.com

September 2010

33


access

“a romantic dinner with good music and a nice walk on a quiet beach...listening to the sound of the waves.” none of that new age independence let’s go jump-off a cliff for the first date. Her perfect guy is someone who doesn’t look like road-kill and has a great sense of humour. But there are also a few rather surprising facts about this girl that we dug out over pizza. Pallavi apparently had wanted to become a pilot as a kid. And if she was not modelling, she would have been doing her Masters in Sociology to become a HR manager somewhere. Thank heavens she didn’t. We ask her what she can’t go to bed about, half hoping she’d say our shirt and she says ‘night cream’ with a wink. That’s when we take the shirt away. She’s cute as a button – but it’s one hell of a good shirt. So…

34

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

four mOre anytHing but y-fronts

01 Boxers

This is another one of our things we don’t mind lending to the women. The ones above work too but check boxers are sexier for some reason. But, nothing kills the whole thing like a girl who buys her own.

03 jackets

For some very, very strange reason - we like the girl smell in our jackets. More so in the case of winter jackets - the naked girl smell lasts longer and brings a smirk to the face every time we wear it. We love it if you borrow our bomber jackets. We love it when you tell friends it’s ours. But more than that we love it when you wear it at home..and that’s all you wear.

02 Baniyan

04 old t-shirt

We all have an old, overused, white T-shirt we don’t wear anymore. We love it when you pick it out of our closets one morning after staying over and never return it. We will be children and ask you to return it somewhere public. You will look at us and ask us: “How old are you? Three?”. We don’t care baby, we’re already imagining you without it. Just don’t lend it to another boy if we breakup.

Black Corset from La Senza, Shorts Stylist own Lacy Camisole from La Senza, Bikini Stylist own

ok let’s face it. We don’t know why we wear them. Maybe because mother made us, growing up. Maybe it squashes ‘em man-boobs together. Who knows. But the fact is that a vest falls on a girl like nobody’s business. As long as she can’t use it as a bra to work - it’s bloody hot.

fhmindia.com

September 2010

35


filter life’s too sHort to make cHoices, Here’s…

tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

01

02

03

04

05

06

07

08

09

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

01 wHy eat pray love? MOvIEs

Especially when you can kick some butt? RE4: Afterlife offers all that and Milla

Words: Sonata Parashar

She threw her husband, family, career, etc etc to move to Benares looking for instant nirvana only to pick up a Brazilian lover half her age. Tragically Alanis Morisette had already sat on the same rock and gazed into the same muddy brown waters ( everything except the Brazilian Dandy). But that didn’t stop Madame Gilbert from scribbling it into her book, or Julia Roberts from essaying the role. Most women love the book and they might be getting ready to drag some of the weak-willed to cinemas soon. Fact. But we at FHM held out. And THAT is why Eat, Pray, Love does not make it to Filter (we did make a list of the movies you should hide the porn behind though, check out Upgrade). Plus of course releasing this September is Resident Evil 4. Call us shallow and heartless but with all our hearts and minds intact, this month we feature Milla Jovovich kicking some serious ass (derriere is too dandy) with Resident Evil 4: Afterlife. God be with her hotness! After mercury spilling performances in movies like Joan of Arc, Ultraviolet, Zoolander and of course the previous RE movies; Milla continues to get us weak in the knees yet

Me FcHlusiv

ex fhmindia.com

again with just the trailers! Even though we are not nominating her for an Oscar anytime soon; but by George, she is hot! One look at the latest trailer and Lara Croft seems like a sad attempt. The coolest part of the movie is that it’s going to be in 3D. We know that most movies nowadays are in 3D but we would like to point out that Milla Jovovich in 3D with guns, ammunition, blood and sweat would be a different kind of 3D experience altogether. Like all the other Resident Evil movies, this too is based on the popular game series and definitely worth leaving the joystick behind. The bottom line? Be thankful; it’s coming! So what is it about? Much like Planet Terror; in a world ravaged by a virus infection, turning its victims into the undead, Alice (Jovovich), continues on her journey to find survivors and lead them to safety. Her deadly battle with the Umbrella Corporation reaches new heights, but Alice gets some unexpected help from an old friend. A new lead that promises a safe haven from the Undead takes them to Los Angeles, but when they arrive the city is over-run by thousands of Undead – and Alice and her comrades are about to step into a deadly trap. In fact, for all those of you who have had to sit through the eat, pray and love drill; we suggest you take your partner to RE4 may be she can learn a trick or two about being tough and sexy – We like it that way. It might not be an Oscar winning screenplay, but still hold onto them horses till the 10th of September when the movie hits the theatres - for the love of Milla, even if you are not an out an out action junkie.

September 2010

37


02 03 04

05

06

07

08

e3 games special!

02 ADvEnTuRE

assassin’s creed: brotHerHood Football Manager, but for stabbers Me FcHlusiv

ex 38

09

10

11

12

13

14

Out: nov 16; PC, Ps3, X360 It’s just like an assassin to sneak up on you when you least expect it. Another sequel within a year of the last one, a franchise expanding at a ridiculous pace, spreading to some six titles in under three years – heading into LA’s annual E3 expo you can see why expectations weren’t all that high for Ubisoft’s latest tale of historical hit men. Which is perhaps why the sly multiple daggers of Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood calmly muted many before the words “milking it” could even pass their lips. Clever boys. Fears of this instalment being nothing more than a multi- player expansion pack were put to bed early by the breadth and depth of Ubisoft Montreal’s vision: more than 15 hours of single- player campaign for AC II’s Ezio to tip-toe around, a fully realised city of Rome to slowly reduce the population of, an entirely new way of playing with a full assassins cohort to call on and, yes, online multi-player for the first time.

September 2010

15

16

17

18

19

20

In fact, FHM had to be dragged off the addictive ‘Wanted’ mode, which has eight players stalking each other round Rome in a tense slow-burn that’s a welcome antidote to the frenzied gunfire, senseless slaughter and braying American accents of most online death matches. Yet, in a bizarre twist, as the clock ticks down, the game subtly shifts from Splinter Cell-esque stealth to a kind of Mario Kart mania, as you find your scoreboard reign dethroned in the dying seconds by the luckiest of kills. Not that we’re bitter or anything. But it’s a testament to Brotherhood’s excellence that multi-player is far from its most exciting addition. With Ezio now a master assassin rather than a young upstart, he’s a bit of a celebrity and so is finding disappearing into shadows ever trickier. Luckily, he can recruit faceless young assassins to the ‘Brotherhood’, train them up by sending them on coming-of-age murder sprees abroad (oooh Germany!) and then utilise their fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Matt Hill

01


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

03 FOOTbALL

ever-increasing killing skills. “So it’s kind of like Football Manager but for stabbing?” We put it to one of the crew as he takes us through a behind-closed-doors debriefing. We read his silence and confused look as a yes. But then as his Ezio is cornered and outnumbered by a veritable army of tooled-up guards, a quick button combination from Mr Confused sees three covert assassins pop into the picture, wreak havoc on his assailants, then disappear from the game as if they were never there. “Just like Football Manager,” he smiles. fhmindia.com

a

maNVOID! vS W Il Ravine -tHe travers Gam d person ing, wh al e ite e

-wate pote nem Channntial for a gama dispensing r rafting, el’s Bea – r Gr e of the Dis the quit develo e appealingy. lls series is, covery p fr up on aers appear toShame that thankly, n old A e h a v e wired t miga grap knocked it hrough hics ca a toast r er. d

pro evolution soccer 2011 Back on form following “hair-dryer” team talk

Me FcHlusiv

ex

Out: Oct 15; Wii, PC, Ps3, X360 konami had it all its own way in the football stakes for far too long. sure, EA’s FIFa always sold bucket loads, but Pes was the real beautiful game. yet a mix of complacency – and FIFa 10 being better than anyone could have hoped – turned the tables quicker than an England World Cup exit. And now Pes is left playing catch-up. The good news is it’s going the right way about it, completely overhauling the attack and defence systems. As well as 360° passing, every action you make is now accompanied by a power bar for pinpoint precision, encouraging you to create space and craft your own through-balls rather than lazily jabbing one button and letting the computer do the rest. It’s tricky to master, but the rewards are palpable – which was always the point of Pes in the first place. September 2010

39


01

02

03

04 05 06 07 08

09

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

sHOOTER

04

Me FcHlusiv

ex

killzone 3 Out: February 11, 2011; Ps3 While many companies jumped on Hollywood’s bandwagon of flirting outrageously with bolted-on 3D to turn a quick buck at E3, Sony were the real deal: high-tech, built-from-the-ground-up three dimensions with only a slight feeling of cross-eyed nausea. We’d be inclined to say it was gaming’s James Cameron, except that Big Jim already presented Avatar: The Game

with Ubisoft last year, to the collective sound of tears falling at the international price of 3D TVs. The third Killzone’s blend of jetpacks, gun warfare and Buddy Holly glasses (not to mention full compatibility with Sony’s new Play Station Move controllers) is definitely the most impressive effort to date. But still only the most aspirational purchasers and heavy-of-wallet need apply. So that’ll be you, then...

07 sHOOTER

MusIC

Out: October 5, 2010; Ps3, Wii, X360 Def Jam top dog Russell Simmons described Rapstar to us as being “less about what gaming can do for hip hop, more what hip hop can do for gaming”, and it was no idle boast. On the surface, yes, this is a rap cash-in on the ludicrously popular SingStar karaoke

40

series. Yet it’s the online community where things get really interesting, as you can make your own ‘hype’ clips, create ‘crews’ and start ‘beef’ with rappers who have ‘dissed’ you. Developer 4mm Games rather fittingly calls it the “50 Cent dynamic”; we’re calling ourselves MC Fur-Q – want some?

06 nintendo 3ds TECH

Out: TbC (before April 2011) Nintendo’s promise of 3D gaming on the move without the need to take the title of Nerdiest Man On The Train seemed unlikely, but its new hand-held does indeed bin the ‘kick me’ glasses. It favours an ‘kick ass’ screen that messes with your mind to produce a three-dimensional

effect which is quite staggering, while full of a kind of toy-like charm we’ve come to expect from Mario’s master. Kid Icarus: Uprising, Resident Evil: Revelations and Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater all look marvellous, though Nintendo’s inevitable reinventions of Mario Kart, Zelda et al are sure to be the must-owns.

gears of war 3

The ‘Elvis’ of FPS reaches a climax

September 2010

Words: Matt Hill

05 def Jam rapstar

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

e3 games special

aVO I e3 D! S

Out April 8, 2011; X360 “You’ve gotta see this,” mumbles Rod Fergusson, senior producer at Epic Games, the developer behind the Gears Of War franchise. FHM are in Microsoft’s secret inner sanctum at E3 and his inability to pull off whatever it is he’s attempting is irking the big man. This is his new baby and he’s desperate to show that it can walk and talk. While Epic put a lot of effort into flogging its swear-happy new gunner Bullet storm at E3, the latest Gears remains king chainsaw among shank pretenders. The story is much the same, except now the planet has begun to ingest itself. Time is running out for your square-jawed group of brutes to do the decent thing and the infected Lambent army is proving even more troublesome than the original Locust, but the back-end has very much changed. Four-player co-op, aforementioned new moves in your kick-ass armoury, all new mutating enemies – design fhmindia.com

With th Orc muc e world co ery improv h the PS Mo nverging to s ve e e brin d on Wiim controlle e how Insteadg out the bigotes, Sony ners had , it traw guns to eded to simu led out a impress. repetit lator with suwizard’s wand that it sive control s ch a director Cliff Bleszinski once described Gears yste eem as the “rock’n’roll, Elvis and dirty comics” of own de ed to bore it m s velope r. shooters and he hasn’t held back for this final entry. The most interesting addition is ‘Beast’, a five-player co-op monstrosity that takes Gears 2’s popular ‘Horde’ mode and turns it in on itself, having you control the many ugly faces of the Locust. Playing as the bad guys can be cathartic, stripping a typical shooter of its conventions, but ‘Beast’ ramps up the strategic Epic to man the pool marked ‘hardcore’, and it angle to even greater heights. All levels of clearly takes its lifeguard role very seriously. Locust are selectable – including the new With that, Fergusson finally grabs a Locust as multi-legged Serapedes and mutating a meat shield, slams a grenade into its head Drudges that can live on even after much and kicks it away into an on-rush of enemies. dismemberment. The trick is your team Before any of them can move, the grenade choosing a complementary axis of evil to explodes in a hail of limbs. “Woo! Bag and overpower the humans. tag!” he snorts. He grins large and wide. The With Microsoft as a whole seemingly grin says: welcome to Gears Of War 3, the heading off for a paddle in Nintendo’s warm biggest, baddest and most brilliantly coarse. casual-gamer waters, it’s again been left up to future shooteryet. September 2010

41


01

02

03

04

05

06

07

08 09 10 11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

RACER

need for speed: Hot pursuit EA’s behemoth strikes gold. Again Me FcHlusiv

ex

42

Out nov 19; PC, Ps3, X360, Wii We knew that we always liked playing cops and robbers as kids. Not as much as doctors and nurses, perhaps, but there was something in the thrill of the chase and the topsy-turvy moral conundrum that could challenge even a stolen afternoon with Katy Perry from No 32. What we didn’t expect was, if you put the cop in a Lambo and the robber in a Ford GT40, just how little we’d grown up since. At all, in fact. But that’s the premise of the latest in EA’s ever-popular racing series, Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit – this time developed by the British nuts behind the Burnout series, Criterion Games – and why we’re even more excited about this than Sony’s Gran Turismo 5. If you’re thinking you recognise the ‘Hot Pursuit’ tag, it’s because Need For Speed already ragged it silly back in 1998. But as you’d expect from such superior carnage merchants, Criterion has very much reinvented the wheels. Multiplayer is, of course, where games earn their keep in this day and age, and like Burnout Paradise – the developer’s last game

September 2010

– connectivity is again key. Slap bang in the centre of Hot Pursuit is ‘Autolog’, an online hub-cum-social network that tracks everything you do – and, of course, everything your friends do. As well as racing each other live, you can compete against specific stats that each other’s performances throw up, such as ‘time spent undamaged’ (not much) or ‘bounty’, the game’s in-built value system that tots up what good and bad deeds are worth comparable points. Most interestingly of all, though, is that ‘Autolog’ operates across formats – so if you’re all shades of rubbish on your PS3, there’s no hiding from your Xbox-toting mates because of your taste in equipment. EA let us get hands on with its new beast and it was a satisfying yet humbling experience (we lost quite a lot). The cat and mouse dynamic is often joypad-smashingly tense, as you desperately try to evade or capture, depending on your persuasion, cop choppers and spike strips coming up against chaser nitrous and decoys. But then nothing quite fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all aVO I e D! e 3

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

karaok

e3 games special

You ca rev on thisn’t blame KonolUtion: g p o s t -mode ami for ca lee How mindedever, you can rn Fame knocshing in feet of male for co blame any r k-off. it ig Jam , when a) ming within htrender Rapstar andhe could be o three ed n b for you Lea Michele) they haven’tDef into the to play a g s know w . Not tha ame ho that t is. we

Me FcHlusiv

ex

09

10 kinect TECH

vanquisH

Words: Matt Hill

sHOOTER

beats jamming a cop’s GPS, hiding in a slip road and watching him set up road blocks for no good reason whatsoever as you shoot off in the opposite direction. To get audible ‘woops’ en masse at any E3 conference bar Nintendo’s, home of the over-enthusiastic, ever-young fan-boy, is an achievement. To turn an audience into a collective frenzy of pre-pubescent excitement within seconds of the off from a mere trailer – however graphically impressive – is what you can call “genuine buzz”. At EA’s E3 event, NFS: Hot Pursuit did just that. Now, time to look up Katy Perry on Facebook... fhmindia.com

release date: november 4 While sony’s Move has merely tightened up the Wii’s motionsensing magic wands, kinect – Microsoft’s technology formerly known as Project natal – represents a genuine vision of gaming’s future. the minority report comparison has become a cliché because it’s true, the controllerless interface through a not-so-little camera sat atop your Xbox meaning you sign in with face recognition and select games with a hand swipe. The launch games are a mixed bag so far – Harmonix’s Dance Central is the only one sure to be a post-pub mainstay – but kinect’s potential is undeniable.

Serious rival to Halo Reach prepares to land

Out: Oct 22, 2010; Ps3, X360 What would happen if the guy behind the Resident Evil series decided he’d tired of all that shuffling zombie stuff and, instead, wanted to remake Halo with less alien hordes, more US/Soviet fisticuffs over natural resources… on a space station… with a Back To The Future-style knee slide as a special attack… and a Japanese techno soundtrack? Well, you’d likely get Vanquish, the latest from the ever-impressive Platinum Games stable, already home to the likes of Bayonetta and Mad World, and it’s (whisper it) looking way better than Halo Reach in the ‘blowing stuff up in space’ stakes.

Me FcHlusiv

ex

11

rage HORROR

Blood, guts and ever more gore

Out: 2011; PC, Ps3, X360, Mac We thought we’d had enough Mad Max-esque, post-apocalyptic ‘kill the mutants, collect their life savings’ shooters to make us fill our Tina Turner Thermos with radioactive space chunder. But Quake and Doom developer ID Software has hooked up with Fallout publisher Bethesda, injected us with some kind of over-excitement drug and made us hungry for more. Maybe it’s because it takes the best bits of Borderlands and makes them simultaneously more beautiful and barmy; maybe it’s just that it makes slicing heads off with a spear look so much fun. However, it being ID’s first new franchise in a decade, your guess as to when we’ll get our mitts on it is as good as ours. September 2010

43


01

02

03

04

05

06

07

08

09

10

11

12

13

14

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

15

16

17

18

19

20


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

12

amy gIRL

Here’s Tollywood’s latest import - the girl from Madrasapattinam. And you thought South Indian actresses were fat! Where did we meet? You were dead clever about it. You knew one of my friends and you got my number through them. What was our first date like? We went to an amusement park. It was something a bit different. That’s the best date I’ve had. Did we kiss on the first date? No, I never kiss on the first date. so how many dates before we had a kiss? The second date I’d say. Maybe a kiss on the lips. Was I any good? Yeah, you were a good kisser otherwise it would stop there. You’ve got to be a good kisser. You were soft and gentle. so how long was it before we slept together? I liked you, so we waited a few months. We got to know each other better and it’s the excitement at that stage really. Once you’ve slept with someone it all sort of disappears. Oh really? bummer. It gets boring if you do it all at the start. What was our first time like? It was nice. It wasn’t planned or anything, it just happened. But it was great. fhmindia.com

September 2010

45


16

17

18

19

20

Do we still do it regularly? Yeah, of course! Am I the best? Yeah, by far. Are you telling the truth? You sound very insecure. Do you walk around the house in your underwear? Yeah definitely, you’ve got to keep it spicy and fresh. I would make an effort. If I’m ill, would you look after me? Of course, yeah! Definitely. Chicken soup and all that. Would you clean up my sick for me if I threw up? I know that you wouldn’t do it so I guess I’d have to do it.

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH I’ve lost my job, is that alright? Ooh! As long as you were making the effort to find something else, I couldn’t have you lounging around the house while I’m at work. How long was it before we met each other’s parents? I would have to wait a good while. I would have to be sure you were someone special to meet my dad because he’s very choosy. You scared? Terrified. Have you got any tips? How would we go about making a good first impression? When you meet him shake his hand and keep eye contact with him. He likes someone who can talk well and is confident. I’ve cheated on you. Can you ever forgive me? Never ever, ever, ever, ever, ever… ever. If I left Facebook open would you have a look? Erm… Oh no! you would! (Laughs) I feel so bad, but I’d tell you if I did it. What are sundays like at our house? A nice lie-in the morning, get up about halften, 11-ish. That’s not a lie-in! That’s a lie-in for me. Five o’clock this week I’ve been getting up. Would you still love me if I got fat? If you got fat I’d help you get back to how you were. I wouldn’t throw you on to the street. you’ve just found a massive stash of porn under my bed. Is that really bad? (Gasps) Yes it is! You’d have to hide it in a really good place so I couldn’t find it. Really? so no porn at all? It’s hard because guys like all that. I’m jealous as well. I wouldn’t speak to you for a day. I take it you wouldn’t want to watch it with me? No. Not my sort of thing. I’ve just been out and got your name tattooed on my back. good or bad? I love it! Amazing! Are you going to get one too? Erm, I doubt it. (Laughs) You’d have to get me in a drunken state. yeah, and then your dad would murder me. Exactly, so…

fhmindia.com

September 2010

47


01

02

03

04

05

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

our guy on fear factor 3

mard ko dard naHin Hota So he dated Twinkle Khanna. Get over it.

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Kabeer Sharma

MAn


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

four mOre indian flicks- it’s a man tHing

01 sholay

only and the best Indian WesternSholay is a must see. It’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for being the only Bollywood movie to be screened in theatres even after a decade of release. Enough said.

03 jaane Bhi do yaaro

This movie boasts of a brilliant star cast and is probably the best Indian comedy of all times. The lone warrior in a sea of mediocre comedy that addressed everything right from politics to bureaucracy- this movie is an intelligent take on the rampant corruption scene in India. The Draupadi cheer haran scene from the movie is our

02 andaz apna apna

For the simple reason that it is one of the funniest slapstick movies in India. plus,you will probably never see Aamir Khan and Salman Khan together again. It has a huge facebook fan page and well if this movie were to be remade, there is no chance that it would ever be a flop.

fhmindia.com

all time afavourite.

04 sagar

This movie is a mush dose and the reason why you are reading about it here is in a mag as opposed to mush as us it’s different. This movie spoiled an entire generation of VCR players. Wondering why? Well the famous scene in the movie where the sexy Dimple Kapadia drops her towel for a few seconds had reaching for the remote just to see if (we don’t have to tell you what, now do we?)

Why is Abhishek Kapoor the Filter Man for September? Did the girls in the office use up their ‘You’ve gotta do this one for us’ card? Yes and No. We’d by lying if we said they haven’t been swooning over what he looks like (but we’ve got a beard too – so frankly we don’t get what the silly girls are on about). The Associate Publisher even one of her team a piece of her mind because he didn’t know who Abhishek Kapoor was. Our reasons though, are a little different. He was jetting off to Brazil the evening of the interview to shoot on Fear Factor 3 with the drool-worthy Priyanka Chopra – but that isn’t it. He dated Twinkle Khanna – but even that is not it. Abhishek Kapoor is here for Rock On and Rock On alone. It’s been close to two years, but Rock On is so closely stuck to Kapoor’s name it threatens to become a part of it. Actually it already has. But before that – Fear Factor 3. Which brings us to the original question that we were thinking about while doing this interview– Mard ko dard hota hai? We don’t think so – but we’d rather not test out our endurance limits in a boot camp broadcasted on national TV, but then that’s just us. Kapoor is all set to test it out on live TV before a hot as hell Priyanka Chopra. He thinks whether it will hurt on not depends on whether he comes back laughing or crying. So what made him do the show? Kapoor insists he wasn’t thinking when he said yes to doing it. “I didn’t think about it, if I had, I probably wouldn’t have done it. It was more of an impulsive decision,” he says. But he has psyched himself into the zone by watching earlier contestants on Fear Factor eat “creepy crawlies” (we just call them Protein). Competing with him on the show this time is a significantly large chunk of bollywood actor/model types and Cyrus Broacha (for comic timing we’re sure). But everything else apart, till the time Kapoor wins Fear Factor 3 which he thinks he will, we’re still going to talk about Rock On. The essential guy flick that stuck its foot in the door for other guy movies like Wake Up Sid, I Hate Love Stories – movies that moved out of the notion of the stereotypical Mard Ko Dard Nahin Hota phase (we haven’t). The heroes were no longer action heroes who could take down a whole battalion (a whole country in the case of Sunny Deol) with their bare hands and rip off tank turrets. “I try not to be attached to it, but Rock On has definitely become a part of who I am… with all the response and the critical acclaim.” Most others would have been happy, but this one does things a little different. He wants to

distance himself from Rock On and is trying hard not to get too attached to what is inarguably an essential guy movie of the times we live in. Are we idol worshippers? Not really. But we did like the music. But much more than that we liked the fact that it was unpretentious, did not try too hard and we loved the music (wait we said that already). Of course, when Arjun Rampal is on his way to the airport in a flight after having left the band, the taxi driver changes the radio station, he hears the song and arrives back in time for a grand re-union on the stage – it reminded us of Jhankar Beats. But that still doesn’t change a thing. Kapoor is one of those people who have bounced back faster than a crazy ping pong ball, we’d have called him a survivor had the show not been as puke worthy as it is, he started off as an actor in a movie, no one would want to remember (Uff! Yeh Mohabbat). He made a movie that he felt intensely passionate about and the audience didn’t (Aryan) and then he made Rock On. “Even when I made Aryan I felt very strongly about it – I needed to make that movie. When I made Rock On – I would have been shattered if I didn’t make it,” Kapoor says. Up next for him is a movie based on Chetan Bhagat’s book ‘Three mistakes of My Life’ a movie that he can not talk about just now. He does however say that the movie is 50 to 60 percent different than the book – but the essence is the same. So Mr Bhagat can put a freeze on the pilferage crying press conference invites.

September 2010

49


01

02

03

04

05

06

07

08

09

aVO Mu ID! 10 AirboT11hree bs 12 Ic 13 phob rne, Lyc ands ia. If antro

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

14 MusIC

between rock and a Hard place

Enough has been written about the Indian rock scene. Maybe you even registered the first few lines you read from impassioned rants before losing interest. Are Indian rock acts brimming with originality or did they use it all up in their names? Didn’t we see you at that gig last week? The one you checked out because the front man is your roommate’s college bud. You heard the opening number, bobbed your head and then proceeded to drink till you found the bottom of the barrel during happy hours, while managing to annoy fans with your indifference. Remember the name of that song or even a verse? If you don’t, you are not alone. If instead you are filled with indignation since you were the one enduring the moaning about how not enough respect is paid to bands on stage, we feel your pain. This is the dichotomy of the “Indian rock scene.” A term as scattered as the phenomenon it’s meant to characterise. The past few years have seen a steady 50

increase in venues, a slow influx of sponsorship, a rise in independent record labels and sporadic foreign attention… But there are still miles to go before we sing. Granted the scene has stepped out of the shadow of a rebellion and is trotting the path to becoming a way of life but the tattooed sleeves and drumming fingers still hide behind collared shirts and the sound of hammered keyboard as Indian artists’ continue trudging between the musician’s life and the salaried world. Holding down day jobs while spending evenings at rehearsals, recordings and gigs. Can you fault them? With college festivals still being the biggest revenue generators, gigs bringing in more money than album sales and even the best of

venues acting as F&B spaces that use music for entertainment value; the Indian model is running on a trajectory opposite to the international one. Festivals that attempt venturing into uncharted territory are hailed in their first year and abandoned the next, because they don’t pay bands their worth since the organisers don’t manage to get adequate support and enough takers. Here festivals are sponsorship based unlike internationally where tickets sell like hot cakes . They are held in metropolises already reeling under rigid licenses, unrealistic deadlines and overbearing policing. So initiatives never get a chance to grow into a full-fledged movement. More than anything, it’s a numbers game, literally and figuratively. However much we hate admitting it, Indian rock largely appeals to a miniscule demographic. Unlike the westward shores where it’s layman’s music, here it’s a luxury or the rich man’s guilty pleasure if you will. A comma in this sentence is imposed by regional language bands especially those churning fusion rock and Bangla rock but they still don’t account for a big enough slice of the pie. If you can tell us the last time you went to a store to buy an album of an artist you claim you love, we’ll rest our case. It would be easy to blame the ones who run things – Entrepreneurs, label managers, artist managers and their lot. Fact is the best and longest lasting bands are backed by a sturdy manager juggling many hats and the lone activist encouraging fresh talent (you know who you are, pat your back please). While their counterparts have an entourage

September 2010

of managers, producers, publicists, designers, tour managers, booking agents and the record label working for them… Our homegrown rockstars rely on a Man Friday who is mentor, mom and best friend and sometimes a roller. Who has time to pay attention to finer details, what with live performances being the only format that works, bands consider time on stage as the be all and end all. Behind the spotlight is the real action – building the PR, cutting records, interacting with fans, understanding the technical aspects. That is a loose end waiting to be tied up. Or you can just stick a pretty bow on it and not point out how competitive it can get, made obvious by the truth that many bands won’t go for another’s show. Camaraderie is reserved for non-headlining days. On this platform, one must also bitch out the media. While this piece was commissioned by an exception, not many radio stations, print mediums or TV channels would give dedicated pages to the cause of the indie scene. Some do their bit with an hour long music show every weekend or the obligatory band on their cover every other month yet you can’t pitch the most deserving names from this industry to an editor. What we want, nay need is a ballsy venue that holds 800 plus people, a proper setup not based on middlemen and saleability with an infrastructure that lends itself to the scene and not the other way around. A wish list if there ever was one… And as artists learn to grow at par with the listener, to our resilient rockers we say, “Thank you for the music!”

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Deepali Gupta

yo p t suggheir kind u really aia and an ENest you mof music- re into see aT and theight as wewe ll see shrin n pro are in k!! Theseceed to a healt jurious to bands h. pe riod.


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

bentley mulsanne

FHM gets behind the wheel of the Maybach-munching monster F

52

September 2010

ROHM Te aD sT

Two and a half tons. That’s slightly more than Cyrus Broacha sees when he steps onto the scales, but Bentley’s new flagship was never going to be a featherweight. We like our Bentleys to be big, fast and, above all, non controversial. Say hello to the most controversial face in motoring this year: the Bentley Mulsanne. VW owns Bentley these days and the top brass wanted the Mulsanne to share many of its components with Audi to save costs – and thankfully the boys at Crewe were having none of it. They argued that it had to retain the very essence of what makes Bentleys so incredibly special. Which meant designing and developing the first completely bespoke Bentley since 1930. All Bentleys for the past 80 years have shared either the Rolls-Royce or VW parts bin to some extent so this is a big deal for the company. The engine is entirely new, despite being based on a design that’s over half a century old. The result is more

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

power than ever before, a smoother delivery and 15% less fuel gushing into its cylinders. Inside it’s a glorious combination of new technology and olde worlde English style, turning the Mulsanne into the fastest gentleman’s club on wheels. Outside it’s a little more controversial. While it’s no Fiat Multipla, what Bentley has done with the front end has the party faithful frothing at the mouth. Two and a half tons is a lot of metal to shift, and this is where things get slightly surreal. For fhmindia.com

Words: Kevin Hackett and Tom Howard

CARs


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

01

02

03

04

05

06

07

08

09

10

11

12

13

14

15 16 17

16 Tv

mad men facts

Engine: 6.75-litre, front-mounted, V8 Top speed: 299 kmph 0-100 kmph: 5.1 secs Weight: 2,585 kg Price: Rs 2.9 crores On sale: Oct 2010

Bentley has turned this behemoth into a mighty driving machine that goes like a scalded cat. While many owners will no doubt be sat in the back while Hukum Singh takes care of steering duties, they’ll be missing out on an extraordinary experience behind the wheel. It has an eight-speed automatic transmission that, if you want a bit of fun, can be controlled by shift paddles that are now mounted on the back of the steering wheel, preventing the age old problem of turning on the indicators when you actually wanted third gear. Floor the throttle and the Mulsanne thrusts forward at a licence-incinerating rate of knots. Defying the laws of physics is all in a day’s work for this motor as it takes even the sharpest corners with only the merest hint of body roll. Amazing. To top it all, at cruising speed, the engine is able to shut down four of its eight cylinders to improve economy – something you might be glad of after shelling out the thick end of a 2 fhmindia.com

If you thought you were born in the wrong decade - you were right. you wish you were an ad executive in the 1960s don’t you? Here’s a series that had us hoping just that

What happened in NY in the 1960s? There were the wars, riots and there was the Kennedy assassination and then somewhere there bras were being burnt in a pyre. But this is the one series that had us wishing we were an ad exec in the 1960s. The show set in New York in the 1960s follows the action in the promiscuous halls of the Madison Avenue Advertising Agency. An ego-driven world where the key players glorify the art of the sell while their private world ends up on the market, and that too

aV MuOID! The sI th hOO c

It’s no e illu si t their so much sion of s ers stupid faces. Ththeir musafety blood pers eir fac ic we ona hat y fa es The ces and lities. Th and the e as reflecir wacky jatheir wac eir stupidir k sountion, their ckets andy jackets ds lik music , on . van p e an ice , which aedo -crea jingle m .

without a premium. The Story revolves around the conflicted world of Don Draper, the biggest ad man (and a ladies man - FHM’s favourite combination) in the business, and his colleagues at the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency. He makes all plays in the boardroom and the bedroom and not in that order. Don struggles to stay a step ahead of the rapidly changing times, as the young executives try to nibble at his feet, and there are of course the women.

17 sCEnT

bleu de cHanel pour Homme

The C word alone – Chanel that is – causes most women to hyperventilate. so what’s all the fuss about? A new fragrance for men from Chanel is a rare occurrence because it’s not in the habit of churning out pointless new whiffs year on year. bleu de Chanel should garner a loyal following; developed by ‘nose’ Jacques Polge, the Pele of the perfume world, it’s class in a glass and women will love it – on you. A note for film buffs: following in the footsteps of baz Luhrman and Joe Wright, Chanel called on Martin scorsese to direct the 60-second commercial. It features a Rolling stones sound-track and two very hot girls. If only sharon stone’s scenes in casino were as short. bleu de chanel Pour homme, edt, 50ml, Price: ask your family smuggler September 2010

53


four mOre

f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH

of tHe world’s most expensive watcHes

patek philippe platinuM World tiMe $4,000,000 Sold at auction for $4m, an ingenious layout lets you see the time in any of the world’s 24 time zones at a glance.

Franck Muller aeternitas Mega 4 $2,700,000

1,483 components, a 999 year calendar, and a price of nearly $3m. And you can only buy it in Geneva and NYC so add the airfare to the bill.

18 TECH

mb&f Hm4 tHunderbolt The Rs 70 lac titanium watch that looks like a fighter jet

54

louis Moinet Meteoris $4,599,487 As well as having a name like a Bond villain, Maximilian Busser liked model aircraft as a child. So when he grew up he decided to make a watch that looked like a plane. Well, it was either that or build a base in a volcano. The two pods on the HM4 (HM standing for ‘horological machine’- don’t laugh, to give you an idea of how seriously they take this) resemble the engines of the A-10 Thunderbolt – a plane used by the US Air Force since the ’70s, and more commonly known as the Warthog. The case is made of titanium and sapphire, with the central transparent sapphire

section taking over 150 hours of machining and polishing to make. That’s nearly four weeks of production per watch. The left pod is modelled on a fuel gauge, telling you how much battery is left, while the right just tells the time. To adjust either, just twiddle the crown at the end of the engine. All 311 components were made specifically for this timepiece, even down to the screws, so rest assured they’re not off the shelf of your local B&Q. But since it only costs a little less than the plane on which it’s based, Herr Busser had better hope that you have the mother load of all trust funds.

September 2010

A set of four watches made from such rare materials as a meteorite from Mars, bits of moon and an asteroid. Comes with its own planetarium.

piaget eMperador exceptional piece $3,300,000

Two watches in one. press down on a secret button to reveal the second dial. Made from 861 diamonds. Insane.

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


01

02

03

04

05

06

07

08

09

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

19 ALbuM

deftones Diamond Eyes

The Deftones are back. This time they have a fully loaded offering that goes by the name of ‘Diamond Eyes’ and claims to be the best Deftones album ever. For the fans, this is a watch out and for the non fans- this album will make you revere them. Opening with the crushing density of the album’s title track, “Diamond Eyes” retains a solid balance as it trades blows between stephen Carpenter’s heavy, crunchy guitar and Moreno’s soulful chorus, ‘Time will see us realign/ Diamonds reign across the sky I will lead us to the same realm’, ‘Royal’ follows, lending a sound that resonates as far more distanced, though not any less powerful. This album is food for them ears!

yOuTubE LEgEnDARy

LIsTEn uP

iron maiden

Final Frontier

56

Iron Maiden is hotter and sexier and in shape and kick-ass! Their 15th studio album is out now and if you do not have a copy yet- then there’s something definitely wrong with you. Either that or you like Euphoria. The Final Frontier is an extremely upbeat album. Everything is original. It’s long, but it doesn’t feel long. The choruses are

extremely catchy. Almost every guitar solo kicks-ass – but we will admit that a couple of them fall a bit flat. Steve Harris’s galloping bass is everywhere. And Bruce, although he’s lost a few steps, has many shining moments. This is the kind of music you want to drive with on a trippy evening when your beer glass doesn’t run dry.

Jon laJoie

Type Jon Lajoie on your youtube. Click on the link that pops up and thank us for introducing you to this. The man is anything but a regular everyday normal guy and he wants to see your genitals (only in song, though). And well, there’s his other core belief - he thinks

guns don’t kill people, he kills people with them. It be a great thing to get those facebook comments if you have been looking to generate some profile traffic, but clearly the guy needs to be introduced to our Al Capone feature. guns don’t kill people baseball bats do.

September 2010

MusIC

tHe kamasutra, blokes in tHe uk are nuts about Here’s an audio book all of Britain is listening to on their way to work. This book is the Kamasutra decoded for your better understanding without having to read it. Would you benefit from listening to this audio-book, since there are probably more modern books

that would provide more detailed practical advice about sex and relationships? Hell yes, nothing beats KS. The audio book is interesting as an introduction to a famous book and Doniger provides a clear and thoughtful commentary that will make it much easier to execute.

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH t Wan my e to se con? bea d is an a My dMP

Who cares about the khap? Let’s get married

7

you’re so exotic you make me want to take up yoga (grrr)

3

you ho w knowemind r u o y of ? My me mmy Mu

6 I live in south Delhi and you?

20

delHI

New mISSION

Find you everything you need - that’s pretty much we do here in the FHM towers (wink wink). Then, we thought what else could a guy need. Since they wouldn’t let us give you a free drink with the issue and a real-doll will not fit through the mail-slot, we did the next best thing. We found you all you need to do in Delhi, Mumbai and Bangaluru. p.S. Get off the couch and find yourself at least a regular drinking place.

58

4

5

Don’t look at the moon in the eye baby, it might burst of jealousy

1

s (le o, whatans in) ’s zodiayour sign? c

8

2

1) Kya? parallel Dimensions does an

canvas insights.

yourself wooing. Seems plastic friendly.

experiment with psychedelic ambient music

Kaab: Sep 06 - Sep 15

Kaab? on till Sep 26

and immersing visuals

Kithey: 205 Tansen Marg, Mandi House

Kithey? The Claridges Hotel, Delhi.

ft. Audio Aashram and BLoT

4) Kya? India: Abode of The Gods

7) Kya? paintings by Gopal Krushna

Kaab: 3rd and 4th September 2010

photography Exhibition by Tarun Chhabra.

Samantray. What can we say we seem to be

Kithey: Mocha Arthouse, DLF promenade

Kaab: on till oct 18

going through an art (chica) phase.

2) Kya? Harley Rock Riders Tour. Mumbai’s

Kithey: India Habitat Center, Lodhi Road,

Kaab? Sep 10 - Sep 20

rock riders and some the best names from

5) Kya? Art Workshop by Rohit Kumar. FYI

Kithey? 205, Tansen Marg, Cp

the Indian rock scene. Tragically, Gul panag

art places can be a great place to pick up

8) Kya? Happy Hours at Taman Gang. one

is all we have in the name of a biker chica.

women. Art Workshops and weddings.

plus one on all alcohol and a killer place.

Kaab: Sep 9; 9 pm

Kaab? on till oct 18

perfect for those looking to seduce on a

Kithey: M 110, DLF place, Saket

Kithey? India Habitat Centre, Lodhi Road,

budget (we go all out though).

3) Kya? Artworks from Alkazi Foundation.

6) Kya? Mediterranean Evenings with Tapas

Kaab? Till Sep 22

Call us if you’re taking a girl, we’ll feed you

& Sangria. If that’s the sort of girl you find

Kithey? 315, DLF promenade,Vasant Kunj

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


01

02

03

04

05

06

Hi, did you study at Cathedral?

07

08

09

10

11

12

13

14

15

mumBaI

16

17

18

19

20

1) PrOGreSSIve NIGHt Kaay: If you want to take her dancing and don’t know how to...head to High Lounge for some progressive tech, electronic. Kadhi: Every Friday 10:00 pm till 3:00 am Kuthey: at The High Lounge, Santacruz (E) 2) there is a live rock show performed every alternate friday at Inorbit mall. the music is nice but vashi might be too far. 3) Kaay? Liquid Groove at the H2o Lounge. Famous enough, doesn’t need to be said

your Is g name beca illette? u the bse you’re man est a ca get n

6

The rents in Mumbai are killer...let’s move in

much about. Kadhi? Till Sep 30 Kuthey? H2o, The Liquid Lounge, Behind Sheetal Bukhara 4) Kaay? ‘I think therefore’ Graffiti, Art. An ode to our art phase and hopefully yours.

Ever been to Alibaug? Want to keep it that way?

Kadhi? Till Sep 08 Kuthey? The Guild, Colaba 5) Kaay? Artworks by Manish Nai. Some kick-ass drawings, photographs & works on Jute. For women who said men who have only one layer. Kadhi? Till Sep 11

8

Kuthey? Galerie Mirchandani, Colaba 6) Kaay? Guitar Courses and Classes. Though we do think the sax is cooler. Kadhi? Sep 28 Kuthey? Guitar Hall, Shop No. 2, Bill Berry Apartments 7) Kaay? professional Drum lessons because let’s face it we’ve all dreamt of

7

1

2

being rockstars. Kadhi? Till Sep 28 Kuthey? Guitar hall Centre, Juhu-Tara

Andheri is too far... want to spend the night here?

3

Road, opposite Santacruz police Station 8) Kaay? Cried out when sent off to Karate when you were a kid. Grow up. This one here is a 5-day Instant coffee version of the classes at the end of which you end up with a Black Belt. Kadhi? Sep 18 - Sep 26

9

Kuthey? Hotel park View, 38 Lallubhai par Road, Andheri West 9) Kaay? Workshop - portrait & Modeling. So, you’re stuck in Mumbai with nothing

We ot al havemmon o c in n I’m a - eve bian. les

better to do. Because, let’s face there is not one picture in which you don’t look like a drunk pimp. Kadhi? Sep 25 Kuthey? Vineye photo School

But, if you want to fit-in in Mumbai there is only one thing you need to learn - The puttttchhhhhhhhhhhhww. The sound is a high-pitched, mutated cross between a pucchhhh..and a whistle and the only pass into the Mumbai’s inner circle. Thankfully, only resident Mumbaikars can make it and they use it for everything from calling an auto to trying to calling their girlfriends.

5 4

60

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


f i lt e r tHe 20 tHings tHat matter tHis montH 3 hat’s no, tn iPod a t no i in my min et, I’m pock appy to just hee you s

work Hi, I IbM r k fo d bac (stanit for a w use) appla

Want to share lunch? My mother sent me idlis

M If ind sniff I run a if youer to see are or ports pen?

If you have an empty slot - I have the card to fill it

8 4

1

5 6

2

Are you an angel? because your mapping is divine.

BeNGaluru

62

9

7

1) What da: With MoS Superstar DJ Steve

and conference for electronic components.

dreaming about at night

8) What da? Sheridan hosts a Karoake night

Boyd from London and India Resident DJ

Don’t worry we were kidding, but if you are

When da? Till Sep 29

every Wednesday and Carlton does every

spin one hell of a party.

that boring head here.

Where da? Taj Residency, 41/3 MG Road

Sunday. Nothing flushes down inhibitions

When da: Sunday, Sep 5 8:00 pM onwards

When da? Sep 07 - Sep 10

6) What da? An Introduction to Art with MG

like singing out of tune, that too in public.

Where da: # 174, 2nd floor, Manohar Crest,

Where da? Bangalore International

Doddamani. We’re still feeling arty.

When da? Till Dec 29, 9 pm onwards

Brigade Road

Exhibition Centre, Dasanapura Hobli

When da? Till Sep 24

Where da? opus, 4 palace Cross Road,

2) What da: Learn the art of professional

4) What da? Shakespeare told and retold -

Where da? Right Lines Art Gallery, 270 1st

Vasanth Nagar

DJ’ing from the renowned professional DJs

Film Festival of Shakespeare Films. Tell us

Floor, Indiranagar

9) What da? For the geeks, Robomaster

playing in most happening clubs and parties

how it goes. We’re unapologetically

7) What da? The Tropical Delight at

organised a kick ass summer camp, and you

in Bangalore...

illiterate.

Connexions. Best bet for getting to know a

get to take away a multi-sensored Robo kit.

When da: ongoing ( 12:00 pM onwards)

When da? Till Sep 18

girl who wants to go ‘lounge’ with

Fine be a geek we’re not judging.

Where da: Scratchz DJ Academy,

Where da? NGMA Auditorium, palace Road

super-strong daiquiris.

When da? Till Sep 15

Ashoknagar

5) What da? Yin Yang Lunch at Memories of

When da? Sep 01 - Sep 30

Where da? Brigade Road and

3) What da? 11th International exhibition

China. If a stir fry is what you have been

Where da? Crowne plaza, Electronic City

Koramandala

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


Interview: Stuart Hood.

Despite bringing the wrong camo, Squaddie gamefully soldiered on

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

Q&a

Graeme SWaNN

While Indian fast bowlers continue to be piddly-paced, we get Englad's best bowler to talk sledging, the barry Army and drainpipes How do you prepare for a test series? I work on my game a lot – making sure that the ball is coming out of my hand nicely and that I am confident with the bat. Then, as we get closer to the series, our tech guys give me a detailed plan that states where to bowl to each batsman on the opposing team. That’s great, because they do the hard video research yards and I get to reap the rewards. Relive your best ever ball. It was to Ricky Ponting at Edgbaston during the last Ashes series. He went for a big drive and I got him through the gate [between his bat and pad]. Getting someone through the gate is the equivalent of scoring a 30-yarder for a spinner. It’s the sort of dismissal you get once or twice a season, so to do it to Ponting in a massive match was the dog’s bollocks. What’s better: a five-wicket haul or scoring a century? Definitely a century. I’ve only had four in my first class career, but I love batting. It’s not my full-time job, so I get to go in down the order, play some shots, get the crowd going and have a good crack. I tell you, if and when I get my first test hundred I am going to be the happiest bloke on the planet. got a celebration planned? No, but now you mention it, I think I’ll go for an Alan Shearer arm raise. I’m a big Newcastle

series. It sounds weird, but everyone got really into it. Needless to say I was shit – I came last. Ever been told to watch your comments on Twitter? No. I have quite a good following, although I do have a few people from India who tweet back and don’t always understand the joke I’m making. One called me a racist after I tweeted something about being incandescent that Fabio Capello hadn’t picked me for the World Cup. What about the cricket game on the Xbox? you must be decent at that? No way – cricket games are far harder than cricket itself. I’m better at Tiger Woods and Call Of Duty. But that said we do have a laugh at what our characters look like in the cricket games. I am basically the top half of Luke Wright’s head dropped upon a massive chin. Talking of what you look like, who’s the worst dresser in England’s dressing room? It’s obviously a heated discussion. Kev Pietersen thinks he’s the best dressed, but many would say he’s the worst, because he really goes for the over the top bling. And James Treadwell, bless him, is a proper T-shirt tucked into jeans and running shoes guy. He won’t mind me saying it, but it’s horrendous. you’re a brand ambassador for british fashion label Dig Deep. What’s your own personal style? I didn’t give a monkeys about fashion when

Q: What’s your funniest park cricket memory? A: I once dived in the outfield, then got up and thought something smelt a bit fruity. Turned out I had a crescent of dog poo smeared on my shirt.

Vitals

graeme swann Age: 31 born: Northampton County: Northants bowling: Rightarm off-break fhmindia.com

fan, so I would get that out. It’s not over the top or disrespectful, but if I ran round the whole ground it should get the crowd going. And the bowlers too… What’s the worst sledging you’ve received at the crease? I’ve never really had anything too bad. I was expecting a lot from the Aussies last summer, but it was really quiet – they had one or two players they picked on and that was it. The funniest chat I remember getting was from the umpire Peter Willey. I used to do a column in a cricket magazine and when I got out he shouted, “Oi, Swanny,” so I turned round and he said, “Put that in your fucking article!” nice. How do you pass the time in the dressing room? The ICC has banned electronic devices, so we can’t use laptops, tweet or get a FIFA comp going on the Xbox, but a few of us like to complete crosswords – or make up words that fit in them – and we played a little bit of Top Gear Top Trumps during the Bangladesh

I was younger, so it used to be shell-suit bottoms. Nowadays I take more interest – I go for classic, reserved stuff that doesn’t shove its label in your face. Dig Deep does loads of this, so I’m delighted to represent the brand. What’s your favourite form of cricket? I love test cricket because it’s a proper game, but I won’t lie, I like Twenty20 because it means I can get out of bed at 3pm, cruise to the ground, and then have a quick and very exciting game in front of a crowd that’s getting pissed with their mates. Does that make the atmosphere better? Not necessarily. When England go on tour the Barmy Army come up with some incredible stuff. They sang one for me to the tune of Champagne Supernova. I love Oasis, so that was magic. The chorus was something about ‘Swanny’s super over in Chennai’. Brilliant. Indeed. What’s your worst ‘hit the nuts’ experience? I was bowling in the nets about ten years ago

and Devon Malcolm hit one straight back at me. I went to catch it, but missed and it flicked one of my nuts. I took 20 minutes to get up. Tell us about your band Dr Comfort And The Lurid Revelations? They are still together, but I haven’t seen any of them for about six months, so they have just done a gig without me. Jim the guitarist had to step into the breach and do the singing. I’ve heard he did a good job, but of course he could never replace the Doctor. Who does the best teas in world cricket? Lord’s, without a doubt. It’s magnificent, like going to a Michelin-starred restaurant. You have these massive jumbo prawns just waiting on the table for you to pick them up and dunk them in thousand island dressing. You also have curries and lamb shanks and amazing puddings. It’s the one week when the fitness coach gets completely ignored by everyone. Right, this is our action special – what’s the most action hero thing you’ve done? I once shimmied up a drainpipe to sneak into my bedroom after going out when I wasn’t supposed to. That was a heroic saving of my own bacon. I was proud of that as a 16-year-old, but I wouldn’t recommend it. I am not recommending it. understood. How would a torturer break you? He’d put me in an ice bath – I’m convinced they are evil – or he’d make me do this stretch we do called slumps. It involves sitting on the edge of a table, then leaning forward and lifting your feet up. It doesn’t sound hard, but it’s hellish. I would tell anyone anything if they made me slump. Where the prisoners are, the plans to The Death Star… you name it, slump me and I’ll sing. What was the last outfit you wore to a fancy dress party? I went as the tennis player Billie Jean King. The theme was favourite songs or nursery rhymes, so I went as Billie Jean, but with a twist. It went down well too. I remember ending up in some female’s costume when everyone started swapping clothes about midnight. I better reveal no more about that story because my wife will kill me. Finally, moving to the opposite end of the cricket spectrum, when do you start thinking about the Ashes? We’re supposed to say we take each day as it comes, but the truth is I think about it every night. I lie there and think, ‘Hang on, we’re going to Australia, this is going to be brilliant.’ I can’t wait to get started; it’s going to be great. Graeme Swann is an English fast bowler. September 2010

65


the other rajpal… we aren’t big fans of thai curry. but this time we’re asking for a second helping and then a doggy bag.

66

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

fhmindia.com

September 2010

67


68

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

H

ere at FHM towers (wink wink) the mandate is to travel far and wild. To galaxies far, far away, to sift through portfolios of barely-18 models and sit through long photo-sessions with women so sexy they make you sweat a puddle. Just so you have what you hold in your hands. Any fun we have en route is of course purely incidental. But then there are times when even we manage to outdo ourselves. So we lobbied at work, ran like maniacs so we didn’t have to stand in the Visa-on-Arrival line and hauled our not-too-taut behinds to Thailand. And all this so you can have an exclusive sneak peek at someone we hope will be the hottest Indian Import since Gunpowder. We met Yardthip…actually you really don’t care where we met Yardthip, we don’t too. The half-Indian, half-Thai gal has appeared in over 10 Thai TV shows, has her own record called, well, The Album and a movie to her credit. And…you’ve stopped listening already. Wait. so we’re a little confused… your name is ‘yard’, ‘sunny’ or ‘Panda’? gosh you have more aliases than a mob boss. Any others where those came from…are you also called something like ‘sunny the Hotty’? Haha. No, but sometimes my friends in the class used to call me ‘Panda’ because I have really dark eyes. They also called me ‘Dusky’ because I’m Thai-Indian. And another was ‘sleeping beauty’ because I always dozed in the classroom (especially during math class) and I even used a doll on desk as a pillow! sleeping beauty..hummm. Mind if we play Prince Charming and wake you up from your slumber? I’ll have to think about that. But you do know my nickname is not ‘Yard’ but ‘Sunny’ right? sunny…like the scooter? Very funny (pouts). No my mother calls me Sunny after the Nissan Sunny. And she calls my bother Benz. He’s got a more expensive nickname than me.


ya but he doesn’t give 12.2 kms to a litre does he? Plus smaller sedans are cosier. (smiles) so wait, where did ‘yard’ come from? That’s just short for ‘Yardthip’. When I was a teenager, my friends thought it was too long, so they chopped it down to ‘Yard’. bloody shame…we liked your name. Are you trying to flirt with me? ummmm…ahemmm it’s just performance anxiety…plus FHM makes us do all that. so anyway, the boys from Thailand told us to ask you whether you’ll wear a bikini anytime soon? (shakes head and smiles). I’m not doing it now. Maybe in a few years. But not now. It was worth a shot. so what’s your most embarrassing nodding off story? We once slept off in the middle of making out. What a shame. na, it was ok, she was too drunk to notice. Haha ok. So, mine was a nap in the middle of a scene. It was a sequence in which I didn’t have a dialogue and I was really drowsy so I decided to catch some winks. Even though no one noticed, but I felt guilty after. The guys in the Thai office tell me you are crazy about barbie Dolls. so is there a new doll in the collection? I stopped adding to my collection because I simply had too many. My favourite doll now is Stitch (Lilo & Stitch). We got our first doll too this month… it’s a golden colour Elvis one…we could have played house if you were into barbie. He’s The king you know. so, did you enjoy doing The Album? I can’t live without music. Even in bed, I have to catch some tunes to lull me into sleep because I sleep alone and I don’t like silence. It makes me feel kind of spooky. And please don’t ask me if you can join me. We weren’t going to. We were going to ask you if you like karaoke… No, I don’t actually…I’d rather dance. Phew! We can skip that on a date. but is there a song in particular you do request when you get dragged to karaoke? To tell you the truth, I always sing the same old songs every place I go, especially ‘Where Is The Love?’ That I often sing when I had requested. But I think I may need to update my song book now. you must have got presents sent all the time. What’s the weirdest present you’ve ever received? Any blood vials? A pup, I think. Even I like dogs (especially Chihuahuas) but buying a pup as a gift just sounds weird. All this soul-searching is making 70

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

us hungry. Let’s grab some lunch? Omelette or a Chinese Pork stew? God heavens. It’s difficult to decide because I them both. But, if I have to pick the right one I’ll choose omelette. Just omelette and cooked rice. nice. Come on let’s get some. Hummm so what sort of a guy do you like? I prefer a man on his shape and figure. We are in good shape - just last month we ran 3 kms in the pouring rain in Mumbai. You’d have to run a lot to look like Robert Pattinson or Orlando Bloom. Haha Ok fine. you know we have a small confession we were kind of hoping you couldn’t speak in English…we could have done the whole thing through an interpreter – would have been sexier. Maybe next time. -FHM in THAILAND


72

the army haS

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

WE WERE THERE ONLY LAST MONTH ALONG WITH THOSE BOYS ON THEIR BULLETS. TODAY, LEH-LADAKH IS SCARRED... PROBABLY FOREVER. BUT WILL IT BE ABLE TO DUST OFF THE DEVASTATION AND PICK ITSELF UP? WORDS: TUSHAR GOYAL

been calleD in

fhmindia.com

September 2010

73


It’s a line that’s being repeated with a disturbing urgency in the newspapers and the channels, so often it barely stands out anymore. The picturesque Ladakh painted a gloomy picture. It didn’t seem to be the tranquil land of monks and monasteries on those fateful days. And what happened in Ladakh early August will be etched in their hearts of its people for eternity. Amongst the devastation that the infamous cloud burst brought to Ladakh, a moving picture will continue to endure. An extended hand of a few firmly and surely lifted out trapped people from the rubble caused due to torrential rains. Amongst the first few brave hearts were Lt Col Kedar Gokale and his two aides. Gokale, an officer of the Engineer Regiment of Trishul Division was returning from Leh to his unit location at Karu that was 42 kilometres away on the Leh-Manali National Highway. Accompanying him were a friend Sapper Mani Kantan and his driver Nalik A Nair. The rain had by now flooded the entire highway after a five kms drive when they found themselves stuck in the town of Choglumsar - a devastating site by then. The town wept for help as vehicles floated and crashed into properties; and boulders smashed everything that came into their path. Most others would have sought shelter, but then that’s what the three guys didn’t do. Despite the pelting rain Lt Col and his people headed in the deep slush and the shifting mountains of mud. Villager after villager was pulled up onto firmer ground as the three brave-hearts ventured into chest high mud. Are there pictures to prove their heroic feat? No, and precisely that’s why they made it into FHM – the three soldiers were among the first rescuers on what is now clinically referred to as ‘Ground Zero’. The effort managed to save at least 12 people from almost certain death by a threatening mud slide. Those rescued included two girls of ages 6 and 10. These guys didn’t pretend to look good, they were simply daring. And, it was only when the task became massively overwhelming for them, they established contact with the army headquarters to kick off a rescue mission. That’s when they and the Indian army realised – this was a cloud burst like no other. CHOgLuMsAR was the epicentre of the cloudburst in Ladakh and this peaceful town endured the maximum damage in terms of lives and property. The first relief and rescue columns reached the location by day break after negotiating and clearing a number of mud slides en route. It was only the next morning that an actual scale of the devastation began to be evident. By the morning of the 6th August senior officers were dispatched to direct the rescue and relief operations. The Disaster Management Cell of the Trishul Division headquarters also dispatched medical officers to provide the survivors with instant trauma relief. It would be only fair, to point out that some of the officers of the Trishul division that were pressed into action were locals of the region 74

THE HElping HAnD

A number of jawans suffered personal losses, but duty came first each time...every time.

THE bORDER ROADs ORgAnIsATIOn This is probably the most low profile, often unacknowledged wing of the Indian Army. The bros from the BRO work in the biting cold and pelting rains to make sure that highways like the Leh- Manali and highways like the Srinagar one are open despite the snow and the mud-slides. They have been entrusted with the task of reconnecting Ladakh. These brave men rebuild bridges, clear roads and channels of communication both physical and electronic in a matter of days. Relentlessly, they repair every bridge, every road without a break until the lines of communication have been restored.

– officers who had themselves suffered loss of loved ones and property. Strangely enough, in Ladakh that day personal trauma didn’t seem to matter; if it did they didn’t show it. There was only the hope, that someone else was helping them out. With the help of the troops and the facilities like earthmoving plants, bulldozers, ambulances and medical personnel, relief columns of the Trishul Division were successful in containing the extent of the damage significantly. The main focus of all the relief operations was to restore the lines of communication both physical and electronic at the earliest to enable faster move specialised relief facilities. At the same time it was the locals who had suffered untold losses in terms of loved ones

September 2010

and property that remained the core focus. In Igu, a small village near Karu, a relief column of the Mechanised Battalion of Trishul Division was launched. The village, located some 5 kms off the Leh Manali Highway had so far been completely cut off and thus not reachable. But as the relief columns worked their way through the mud and slush and slid their way down to reach the village prepared for the worst when, a sense of relief overcame them. A silver lining in the dark cloud that had burst over Ladakh – the locals said they had already sensed a calamity coming and had shifted to higher reaches thus avoiding human casualties. But not everything was rosy; the mud slide had washed away most of the houses of the fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

inDian army’S other reScUe operationS

1) flood relief Operations: The Indian army in the past has also offered flood relief to affected regions in orissa, Rajasthan, Gujrat, Karnataka, Andhra pradesh, West Bengal, Assam, Uttar pradesh, Himachal pradesh and Bihar. A total of 60 army columns and 50 engineer task forces were requisitioned by the civil administration and deployed in flood affected areas. 2) disease relief in Kerala: Consequent to the outbreak of Dengue and Chiken guniea (Diseases) in Kerala in June 2007 and requisitioning by the State Government, the army deployed Medical and Health Teams with requisite fogging and spray equipment to control the situation. 3) Burra bazar fire in Kolkata: Consequent to the outbreak of fire in the Burrabazar Area of Kolkata in 2008, the army was called in. Even as the fire spread to nearby buildings rapidly. Nandram Market, a thirteen store market complex in Burra bazar was also engulfed by fire. 4) Bangladesh cyclone relief: In the aftermath of the cyclone (SIDR) in Bangladesh in 2007, a large quantity (costing approximately 3.6 Crores) of disaster relief materials, including Tents, Blankets, Milk powder, MREs, Water purifying Straw and Medicines were despatched in four IL sorties by the Indian Army in coordination with the Air-Force. 5) Katrina disaster: In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina that devastated USA, approximately 25 tonnes of disaster relief supplies (3,000 blankets, 150 tarpaulins, bed sheets, toothbrushes, toothpaste, soap cakes, soap cases and hand towels), were despatched in an IL- 76 sortie to USA to aid in relief operations.

village and the livestock too. The columns not only aided the villagers with food and medicines but also excavated two handpumps from under 15 feet of mud and slush and repaired it so that the villagers get a steady supply of clean drinking water. At PAng, a small Transit Camp Detachment division provided shelter and food to almost 110 tourists including about 40 foreigners who were stranded on the highway because of landslides at various places. The incessant rains and the extremely high altitude had made conditions even worse for the vacationers. Again the soldiers came to the rescue – the doors of a Transit Camp were flung open as the soldiers went out of their way to make sure the tourists were fed and warm. fhmindia.com

WHEn THE ARMy CAME THROugH • Leh-Ladakh Cloudburst • Assam state floods • Cold spell in north India • Amarnath yatra Landslides • Gujarat Earthquake • Bhopal Gas Tragedy

Later when the hardworking but not often acknowledged men of the BRO had cleared the route, these unfortunate tourists were ferried out of the disaster zone to safety. nIMu Extensive damage was reported from Nimu, another village and medical aid was immediately sent for. Three disaster rescue teams of the Ladakh Scouts, whose troops come from the local areas, have most commendable rescued a commendable number of 600 civilians from the critically affected Choglamsur area. A column under Havi Sonam Palgor did an admirable job in negotiating through the heavy rains, mudslide and the overflowing Indus River and reaching the helpless stranded villagers on time. The villages of Skyurbuchan, Baldes and

6) Philippines mud slide: In the aftermath of extensive mud slides in Leyte (East philippines) in 2006, the Indian Army once again leapt to the rescue. Approximately 30 tonnes of disaster relief supplies, including medicines were despatched in an IL-76 sortie to philippines. 7) Indonesia earthquake: In the aftermath of the extensive earthquake in Jakarta (Indonesia) also in 2006, the Indian Army dispatched approximately 86 tonnes of disaster relief supplies, including medicines, tents etc were despatched in two IL-76 sorties and INS TABAR to Indonesia to help the affected. 8) lebanon: As a part of it’s humanitarian efforts during the Lebanon war (IsraelHezbollah war) in 2006, the Indian Army in tandem with the Air Force also sent off 3200 blankets and 225 tents to help those displaced and ravaged by the war.

September 2010

75


The rebuilding Of leh ThOugh is jusT abOuT beginning. Katchatang in the Khalsi block of Leh district too had been affected by the cloud burst. The army has offered tremendous support and assistance to those affected and two bridges have been rebuilt in order to restore the transportation lines in the Leh Manali Srinagar highway. But it wasn’t just relief material and the road rollers that the army rolled in – the soldiers brought what the people needed the most – Being true patriots, these brave Jawans also showed the stranded tourists and foreign vacationers that in our country guests are nothing short of Gods by providing them with warm clothes and food and ferrying them in vehicles to safer places. These ladies and gentlemen are people who left their personal losses behind. They gulped their own sorrows and provided a strong hand to make sure peaceful Ladakh came away with as few scars as possible. As a popular philosophy of Buddhism is the cycle of cause and effect, it is hoped that this massive loss of property and loved ones too is just a tough phase that the survivors must be going through but this too shall soon pass. But that said – the heart does go out to those silent warriors. The men of the Border Roads Organisation who will be entrusted with the task of reconnecting Ladakh. 76

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

Quiz What caused the heavy floods in Ladakh? a) Rains b) Hail storm c) Dam breakage d) Cloudburst Which highway was blocked due to the rains? a) NH 37 b) Leh- Ladakh highway c) Leh- Manali- Srinagar highway d) Leh- Manali highway What was the first most affected area that the army men came across? a) Nimu b) Choglamsur c) Pang d) Darrang

What did the army men excavate and rebuild? a) Houses b) Temples c) Ancient Ruins d) Hand Pump What was the name of the army division that sent the rescue teams? a) Shiva Division b) Leh Division c) Kullu Division d) Trishul Division What team besides the army team helped in the Ladakh rescue operations? a) Ladakh Scouts b) Red cross c) Missionaries of charity d) Make a wish foundation

MAIL yOuR REPLIES TO fhm@maxposure.in

fhmindia.com

September 2010

77


DOn’T LISTEn TO ARnAB GOSWAMI, THE OFFICE PAAnWALLAH OR MAnI SHAnKAR AIyAR. ALL IS WELL WITH THE COMMOnLy FELT uP GAMES. FHM TELLS ALL In THIS SERIES OF EXCLuSIVE InTERVIEWS nO OnE ELSE WAnTED. AnD WE DECIDED TO DO THEM LIKE InCEPTIOn -In THEIR DREAMS WORDS: VEER SInGH ILLuSTRATIOn: VIKRAM nAIK

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

KAlmAdi: Lizzie? Lizzie is that you? How are you? QuEEn ElizABETh: I’m not pleased SK. I wouldn’t let you get away with it. Why didn’t you tell me about the silk toilet rolls? You know how much I would enjoy them. KAlmAdi: Please understand Lizzie. I wanted to but for security reasons I couldn’t. QE: I don’t know and I don’t very much care. The deal is off. I’m not returning the diamond. KAlmAdi: But, but Lizzie you promised… Before he could complete his sentence, he heard a click. With that Kalmadi knew tough days were round the corner. It’s 5.47 am. Suresh Kalmadi, wearing a white kurta-pyjama is glancing at his watch every 10 seconds, muttering himself up into a frenzy, walking like he’s got something uncomfortable stuck up his derriere. His lips are moving like they have a mind of their own. If you go close enough, you can catch, “Where is that daft boy?” Never has anyone waited so eagerly for the newspaper vendor as the Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee Chairman does every morning, because each dawn brings with it new tales of corruption. But, more than that, he needs to keep

an eye on the rather raucous Arnab Goswami and his snoopy team at Times Now. They give the term V for Vendetta a new meaning. 15 minutes ago To clear the air and all that jazz, Kalmadi agreed to an interview with FHM, hoping that at least FHM will be on his side. Mr kalmadi what do you have to say about Darbari and Mahindroo’s involvement in the QbR ( Queen’s baton Relay) scam? SK: You know I’m a great fan of Indian music and in my opinion darbari is very difficult to master... Just then one of his 10 Blackberries starts flashing. He scrolls the screen and begins to smile to himself… “It’s Lizzie asking me if she thinks Shah Rukh Khan would dance at Willie’s engagement party at the Palace”. Anyway, as I was saying, darbari should’ve been played at night... And Mahindroo? Isn’t she quite old now? I mean what will Anju Mahindroo have achieved by going for the Queen’s Baton Relay. We need some new blood. I’m afraid maybe you didn’t hear the question properly. We were asking you about Ts Darbari and sanjay Mahindroo, the men who worked with you? SK: They did? Wait let me call Pintoo, my right hand man. Maybe he

can remind me. (Picks up another Blackberry and dials a number… “Pintoo, Chairman speaking. Come to the interview room please.” After 5 minutes, Pintoo enters. “Who were TS Darbari and Sanjay Mahindroo? Pintoo sheepishly answers, “Paisachand and Baimanseth.”) Oh ok ok, you’re talking about those guys. You see here at the OC office, we’ve developed such camaraderie and familiarity that we don’t even remember our employees’ real names. Well, I can’t be expected to keep an eye on what everyone’s doing. My job is to make sure that whenever Mani Shankar Aiyar as much as looks at a television camera, I have to be prepared for the worst. I think that man is just crazy jealous of me and my close relations with Lizzie. And why must a huge ruckus be created out of the QBR? We gave the money to a firm run by an Indian only. We didn’t spend the money, we’ve just invested in India. but Mr kalmadi, there are serious concerns about whether the games will be successfully held. venues aren’t ready and those that were ready are already falling apart. SK: I must tell you something. Please call me Chairman. I can’t bear to hear being called anything else. As far as your questions about the venues are concerned, what’s a little breakage here

and there. This is India, we’ll make it work and if there’s something we don’t want the world to see we’ll just hide it with a blue plastic sheet. Athletes have been injured because the construction has been of very poor quality. SK: So what can I do? Do you expect me to see that all details and instructions are followed? Do you expect me to dirty my spotless white linen suit? Have you seen how dirty Delhi is? Everything is dug up and I can’t be walking around town. I’ve lots of important things to do in office and then that Arnab Goswami makes sure that I can’t leave the house. He’s after me I think. Everyday he just wants to talk about me. He wants my job I think but I won’t let him get anywhere near it. But you’re not claiming responsibility for anything… KA: Why am I being made the scapegoat? How does it become my job? My job isn’t to build stadiums or keep a balance sheet. (Just then a Blackberry fills the room with “Tu paisa paisa karti hai…” Kalmadi answers. It’s a short conversation.) That was Rod Anchor. He has been able to fit me in for a pedicure and manicure. Signing all those contracts has left my fingers feeling too grimy. I need to leave. Maybe we can do this some other time.


An hour Ago... Queen Elizabeth was getting bored of her daily routine. The same old state of heads, the same old changing of the guard, same old everything. The scowl refused to leave her face and her personal army of 10 butlers and 15 maids were running out of ideas to keep Her Majesty amused. Even Katie Price’s antics couldn’t wring a smile from her. But just when the monarch was losing faith in all that was wrong with the world, erupted the scandal regarding toilet paper rolls for Commonwealth Games in India. Suddenly the step was back in Elizabeth’s walk and relief on her servants’ faces. She had to speak to Bella about this. How could they possibly spend 52 pounds on a toilet roll

in India? What is it a special roll that even the Queen of England hadn’t heard about? She had to get down to the bottom of this. And she picked up the phone to dial the number… At 10 Janpath, the special phone rings. Sonia Gandhi immediately knew who it was. SOniA: Hello? Betty, how are you? QE: Bella, I’m so distressed by what I’ve just read. 52 quid for a toilet roll. Come on, spill the beans. What’s so special about it? SOniA: Oh no! Betty, I was hoping I had the chance to send you a carton of them before word leaked out. They are the finest toilet rolls ever made. 100 per cent smooth silk. Your cheeks would have never felt anything so smooth and soft. Fantastico! QE: Oh dear! Really? Then I must have them at once. Old age does some

terrible things to the skin. And tell me where I could get them. I’ll ask Harrods to stock them. SOniA: Si, si. You must. The most absorbent too. I hope all’s good on the family front. QE: Yes, yes, bless the lord. Harry hasn’t found himself in much trouble recently so that’s taken the hounds off our back. I must go now. David Cameron is coming to discuss the drop in the sterling pound. I think he wants a loan to resuscitate the economy. SOniA: Take care then Betty. Queen Elizabeth had no appointments scheduled for the remainder of the morning but there was another call that she had to make and it was to her new ‘friend’ Suresh Kalmadi. She’d spoken to him just an hour back and was upset that he hadn’t mentioned a thing about the silk rolls.

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

SHE HAD To SpEAk To BEllA ABouT THiS. How coulD THEy poSSiBly SpEnD 52 pounDS on A ToilET Roll in inDiA?


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

His role was to be that of a Gandalf albeit with a turban, guiding India to a successful Commonwealth Games. Much like Gandalf with the staff did in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. With the Games looking much like a figment of our imagination, Suresh Kalmadi’s master-piece could just be fantasy. Gill’s role is that of a watcher, one who over-sees everything but he has bigger battles to fight. Like making sure every picture is a perfect Facebook profile picture. With so many sports persons keen for an audience with him, not a single day goes by without Gill having to smile for the cameras. So practicing the perfect camera face is kinda important for our man here. Forgive him if in all that posing and smiling, he forgot to keep an eye on foxy Kalmadi. After days of tales of corruption, Gill had to answer his fellow politicians in that big white pillared building they called Parliament. And all that posing had left Gill vulnerable to some lethal verbal volleys.

such provisions have been made. How can this be? Gill: Stadiums? What stadiums? (His aide whispers something in his ear) Oh, this question hour is about Commonwealth Games? I see, I see. Well when I took over as sports minister, we had old stadiums. Now we have new stadiums. I haven’t had the time to look at the seating plans but I like your idea. In fact I’ll have a photo shoot with the new seating arrangement. mulAyAm SinGh yAdAv: With all this money spent on these monstrous buildings, we could’ve developed 100 villages.

SuShmA SwArAj: Indian tradition demands that you reserve some seats in the stadiums for women and children. But it has come to our notice that no

THESE MonSTRouS BuilDingS will MAkE ExcEllEnT vEnuES FoR SHAADiS. wiTH loTS oF pARking SpAcE AnD ToilETS

Gill: Just remember all the employment that we’ve generated for the people from hinterland. Since crops don’t grow, at least the farmers have some work now. And all these monstrous buildings will make excellent venues for shaadis. With lots of parking space and toilets and air conditioning, what could make a better banquet hall? It was a salient point that Kalmadi and I for once agreed on. It’s such a quick and easy way to make money. And yes Daler Mehendi has agreed to perform at discounted rates for us. So please keep that in mind when you have to get your children married.

lAlu PrASAd yAdAv: If these Games were being held in some small city, then at least the Indian Railways would’ve benefited. Gill: We don’t want the people who come to Delhi to leave without a taste of what it feels like to travel in a train in India so that’s why we have awarded the Indian Railways the catering contract. The train cutlets stuffed with dried peas, the sour curd in the earthen pot of course the perfect tomato soup. All these are prominently featured on our menu. You should be proud of what we’re trying to do for the Indian Railways. P.S : We are kidding. Things are bad. That bad, that five disaster movie posters went in the designing of the background for this story.


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

Whoever had the pleasure of meeting Al Capone was mostly impressed by the biggest gangster of all times: he was friendly, charming and humorous. Only when he felt fooled he became nasty. And this happened many times. In the end he failed because of his own naivete. TEXT: Martin

fhmindia.com

Strathmann

September 2010

83


H

e dished up quite a lot on this day. It was the 7th of May 1929. John Scalise, Albert Anselmi and Joseph Giunta have been eating for hours – just the finest food and the most exquisite wines. When the clock hands moved towards late evening the comfortable part begins: the ties and belts are being loosened, chairs are being moved half a meter backwards. Now a couple of nightcaps, then some business and at some point everyone is going home. But suddenly the mood within the feasting party shifts. The party members are the leading heads of the Chicago Outfit, the most important Mafia group in Chicago. On this day they were invited by the magnanimous boss Alphonse Gabriel, also known as Al Capone. The host is arguing with his main bodyguard Frank Rio. In front of the eyes and ears of the guests the two men scream at each other. It seems that a once firm bond is going to pieces. Anselmi, Scalise and Giunta react immediately: In the room next door they offer an alliance to Rio. If he needs their help in his upcoming war with Al Capone he could count on them. They shifted some money to the side, they want to do their own business without Al Capone anyway. Rio thanks them and sends the three guys back to the table. A couple of minutes later Rio and Capone come back to the dining room together. To the horror of the three sitting at the table Capone carries a baseball bat in his hand. The argument between Capone and Rio, they realise now, was only a fake, a test of their credibility. It’s the last thing that they realise this evening. The three men are being tied to their chairs. Capone steps behind them and belabours the first one, smashes his skull with only a few hits. Then he thrashes the shoulders and arms, bones are breaking, blood gushes all over the table, the tied up guy is only able to groan. The other two are not doing better: Capone is beating them to death nearly. Rio takes care of the rest with a gun. 84

In the night the three corpses are brought to a park at the edge of Chicago. Anselmi and Giunta are left underneath a brown blanket in the stolen car, Scalises body they deposit in a ditch. Later the undertakers get praise and appreciation for managing to hide most of the wounds that the laid out bodies carried. Giuntas bronze coffin had a cover of glass and cost 10,000 $. Al Capone, that’s what people who knew him personally said, was not bad to the core. He was friendly, charming, humorous and to some of his fellow men, especially judges and public prosecutors he was touching because of his naivete. Only when he felt deceived, when he saw signs of deception and betrayal he got very angry and very unpleasant. And his anger he liked to demonstrate personally. If Anselmi, Scalise and Giunta, who in parts worked and murdered for the underworld boss of Chicago for many years and who he felt betrayed by really got killed by Capone in such a beastly way has not been authenticated. Nobody filmed the event and there is no CSI: Chicago so that nobody ever inspected the baseball bat. It has never been found even. These are stories that made the reputation that Al Capone still has nowadays and that makes people awe-stricken when they hear his name. Not one single of the many murders that he committed during his lifetime could be proven without doubt. If he ever committed these murders or if he put them out is not so important anyway. For the common awe it is totally sufficient that it is relatively sure that it happened.

C

apone was born a New Yorker, his parents were from Naples. As a 18 year old in 1917 he was a bouncer in the Harvard Inn what left him with three scars and the nickname Scarface. In this bar Capone chatted up Frank Galluccios sister. “You have a great arse baby and that’s a compliment” are the words he insulted her with. The scars on his left cheek originate from Frank Galluccio’s pocket knife. Nowadays these kind of things are decided by a head butt in the centre circle. Back then it took 30 stitches to mend Capone’s face. The always friendly and broad minded looking young man became one of the most competent staff that the aspiring boss Johnny Torrio had, who left New York for Chicago because he was told that the profit margin was higher. End of 1919 Capone followed him. The move was just at the right time as the New York police was investigating Capone for murder. In Chicago he took over the Four Deuces, a gambling place with an attached

Delinquents 1 Company car: In this armoured four-ton limousine the gangster boss drove through Chicago. 2 Scenery: Chicago in the Twenties. 3 Victims: The dead of the Valentines Day Massacre 4 Final destination: In 1934 Al Capone was locked in Alcatraz; He was imprisoned in the Chicago prison

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

brothel and 30 female employees. Next door Capone had an antique store because officially he was a furniture trader. In Chicago Johnny Torrio got involved in the Mafia war between the North Side Gang and the Chicago Outfit from the south of town that he and his gang belonged to. Dion O’Banion, trained florist, was the boss of the North Side Gang and was shot in his flower shop in November 1924. Next to others John Scalise and Albert Anselmi were involved in the attack. There was an act of revenge on Torrio that he only just survived. After his long recovery he was not so keen on the Mafias businesses any longer and disappeared to Italy. “It’s all yours Al”, he said to his student when he left. “I quit. I want to go back to Europe.”

T

1 Autograph hunters: Cabby Hartnett, baseball player of the Chicago Cubs signs a ball for Capone’s son Al. 2 Simple: From the outside the boss’s house looks pretty modest. 3 Feeding station: During the Recession Capone opened soup kitchens for the poor ones. 4 Majestic: The Capone Villa in Florida.

fhmindia.com

he war between the Mafia groups of Chicago went on for years, until the 14th of February 1929. On that day one of the still most fascinating felonies in the history of organised crime was committed. Something that has never been solved completely. Seven Mafiosi from the North Side Gang were lured into a shed by rival gangsters who were dressed as policemen. There they were executed with machine guns. Most historians and experts believe that Al Capone commissioned the Valentines Day Massacre but no one could give evidence to it yet. Capone only rarely left traces. He didn’t have a bank account, never made a tax declaration and officially did not possess a property although his gang inhabited the whole of the 10 storey tall Lexington Hotel. It was for this Cleverness he was admired. To the metropolitans who were affected by the Great Depression of the late Twenties Capone seemed like a messiah. He radiated joie de vivre, drove in handmade armoured limousines, the women by his side wore fancy fur coats and the fair Fedora hats that he loved to wear spread a good mood. To cheer up the unemployed Capone opened soup kitchens where poor people got warm meals for free. Everyone knew that the money for these image campaigns originated from the usual Mafia businesses: illicit distillation, black marketing, blackmail, gambling, brothel establishments. However people were grateful for the donations by the Boss of Chicago because they felt left alone by the state during the recession. The papers reported about Capone’s good and bad actions so often that even then US president Herbert Hoover requested his employees to catch the man finally. Obviously

it did not appeal to him that a small, chubby Italian gangster could do whatever pleased him without getting irritated by the law or officials that investigated him. Supposedly Hoover disliked it even more that the visitors of a horse race applauded him less than Capone who was at the event too. “Go get that man”, he told his investigators. They concentrated on the initially obvious: illicit distillation, black marketing, blackmail, gambling, brothel establishments and the various murders that Capone instructed or was said to have committed himself. A couple of times he was accused but only once sentenced because of an illegal possession of firearms. Due to the preferential treatment the imprisonment must have felt like an unnecessarily extended stay at a hotel. On all other occasions nothing could be proven to him or his gang bribed the jurors and if necessary the judge. No wonder Capone felt invulnerable. He openly said that his gangster life will come to an end by a couple of shots from machine gun probably. He would never have dreamt of some tax investigators to convict and put him into prison. In his whole life Capone never felt guilty as charged. During the Twenties when the trade with and the sale of alcohol was inhibited (but not the consumption) he felt right morally. Everyone drank alcohol, even policemen, prosecutors and judges. Why should it be illegal to help people getting their legal pleasure? Capone ordered the production and distribution of a few hectolitres of hooch and of course he got a lot of money for that. Capone took his PR work seriously. The core statement of all his babbling to each and every journalist was: I didn’t do any wrong.

1 The boss on his furlough with his mother Teresa in 1938. 2 Mae Capone defended her husband even beyond the grave.

September 2010

85


So the US justice needed a different approach and they found something, that convicts delinquents the easiest even nowadays. The US justice needed a tax procedure. Frank J. Wilson, one of the investigators, sat in his office one evening and sorted documents. Suddenly he came across a receipt that one of his colleagues must have filed a couple of years ago. After such a long search he found an evidence for the sums that Capone spread to keep his lifestyle. With this evidence there were many more to follow.

C

apone put enormous sums on horse races and his villa in Florida that he bought for 40,000 $ (officially it belonged to his wife Mae) he pimped for another 100,000 $ to make it good enough for an underworld boss. Chosen friends got hand-laced belt buckles worth 275 $ a piece. Not bad for somebody whose income was not worth mentioning apparently. At the end of the investigations the Bureau of Internal Revenue could prove that Capone spent between 123,000 and 257,000 $ a year from 1924 till 1928. And that money Capone must have earned somehow – without paying tax for it. From that point on the justice didn’t leave anything to chance. The Mafia was fond of the tradition to bribe witnesses and defendants or to make clear to them how life threatening an incriminating statement could be. So the authority put their witness Frank Ries who is associated with Capone onto a plane to South America where he was not meant to return from until the beginning of the trial. In prison where he was exposed to very questionable hygienic conditions they made him talk. The boss only realised the danger he was in

only much later. His lawyers – unfortunately trial lawyers and no tax lawyers - tried to soothe the justice with multiple payment offers into the millions. Capone wanted to go to prison for two years voluntarily (but he

wanted one of his choice where he would be the secret sovereign) to atone for his wrongs even. The prosecutors did not change their minds though. Of course they tried to bribe the jurors but it didn’t help as well as the judge replaced the complete jury on the 16th of October 1931. It was the first day of trial. Many of the new jurors were older men and farmers from the neighbourhood that were not impressed by the gangster glamour and only payed attention to whether the accused paid his tax or not. And that he did not do. In Chicago the 32 year old was a prominent man still. Noticeably many women came to the trials, many of them wanted his autograph. Capone refused: “I have signed enough things that brought me nothing but trouble.” On the 24th of October this trouble could be named correctly: eleven years in jail, 50,000 $ financial fine and 30,000 $ court fees. For a few month his lawyers tried to get their client out by making pleas. But in May 1932 he was locked in the federal jail in Atlanta. Two years later he was put into maximum security prison Alcatraz where he spent the next five years. Sentences in prison do not turn a delinquent into a saint automatically and probably Capone would have continued with his business after his release in 1939. Stupidly he got infected with syphilis as a young man and after years of not curing it started to show. Syphilis leads to cerebral inflammation that entails dementia. When Capone returned to his summer residence in Florida in spring 1940 he was a mere chubby man with the mental health of a twelve-year-old. A return to an active Mafia business was unthinkable. On the 25th of January 1947 Capone died. Though he did answer the question: What would have happened to him if he did not decide to start a career within the Mafia. He answered: “I would sell newspapers barefoot in Brooklyn.”

cemetery

DeATH Toll

86

ADAM HeYeR

JoHN MAY

FRANK YALe

DIoN o BANIoN

If Al Capone was directly involved in the murders of theses men indeed has not been proven. But the head of the organised crime in Chicago traditionally was not into solving disagreements with arguments. Instead he ordered armed killers to get rid of the rivals: At the Valentines Day Massacre in February 1929 it was seven at once.

September 2010

ALBeRT ANSeLMI

JoHN SCALISe

PeTeR GUSeNBeRG

HYMe WeISS

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

+

getting men more sex since rigHt now

UpGRADe

sept10

Photography: Alan Clarke. Fashion: Jessica Punter

get a meDal Worthy boDy hoW to clean Up an oil Spill the WorlD’S moSt Secret barS

Grey hooded parka by Dsquared2, grey leather shirt by neil Barrett, neoprene track pants from a selection by Louis Vuitton, boots Bear’s own and Emergency’ watch by Breitling

Bear GryllS

THE TOuGHEST SOn-OF-A-Gun In THE nORTHERn HEMISPHERE – P 92

style Fitness Cars GadGets health work traVel Food&drink brain sex fhmindia.com

September 2010

87


UpGRADe style

try, tIe aNd try aGaIN

THEy’VE LOST THE JAGuAR AnD THE EAST InDIA COMPAny TO uS, SO IT’S SHIRT AnD TIES THEy ARE SHOWInG uS DOWn WITH. TOO BAD WE KnOW HOW TO SHOP OnLInE. plain shirts

classic look

SHIRT by TIMoTHy eVeReST AT MARkS & SpenCeR ` 2,900 TIe by peTeR WeRTH ` 1,400

SHIRT by D&G ` 10,200 TIe by buRTon ` 500

SHIRT by GIeVeS & HAWkeS ` 10,500 TIe by DunHIll ` 4,700

SHIRT by TopMAn ` 1,450 TIe by boSS blACk ` 3,560

SHIRT by lIneA AT HouSe oF FRASeR ` 2,100 TIe by peTeR WeRTH ` 1,450

SHIRT by Ck CAlVIn kleIn ` 5,450 TIe by HACkeTT ` 4,700

SHIRT by VIVIenne WeSTWooD ` 14,000 TIe by DunHIll ` 4,700

SHIRT by SAnD AnD GH ` 7,200 TIe by GIeVeS & HAWkeS ` 5,450

SHIRT by ASoS.CoM ` 1,800 TIe by pAul SMITH ` 4,700

SHIRT by AquASCuTuM ` 8,000 TIe by JoHn SMeDley ` 2,500

SHIRT by peTeR WeRTH ` 3,600 TIe by HACkeTT ` 4,000

mobster cHic SHIRT by neXT ` 2,000 TIe by HACkeTT ` 4,700

SHIRT by CH CARolInA HeRReRA ` 8,000 TIe by lyle & SCoTT ` 3,600 88

SHIRT ` 6,900 TIe ` 4,000 by polo RAlpH lAuRen

SHIRT by beneTTon ` 1,800 TIe by TopMAn ` 700

SHIRT by J by JASpeR ConRAn AT DebenHAMS ` 1,450 TIe by GIeVeS & HAWkeS ` 5,450

September 2010

SHIRT by AquASCuTuM ` 7,000 TIe by CH CARolInA HeRReRA ` 6,500

SHIRT by JoHn SMeDley ` 10,900 TIe by DRAkeS ` 6,100 fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Jessica Punter. Compiled by Ange Hughes and Lauren Webster. *These are UK prices, We suggest you try and buy online

striped shirts


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

go casual

SHIRT by oRIGInAl penGuIn ` 3,995 TIe by D&G ` 5,450

country squire

SHIRT by lyle & SCoTT ` 5,500 TIe by neXT ` 725

SHIRT by SeleCTeD HoMMe ` 2,200 TIe by GIeVeS & HAWkeS ` 5,500

hoW to…

Match a shirt and tie

SHIRT by HenRI lloyD ` 4,000 TIe by polo RAlpH lAuRen ` 5,450 1. matcH cOlOurS, mIx PatterNS

If the tie and shirt are the same colour, the tie should be a shade darker than the shirt. With a patterned tie one of the accent colours should match the shirt’s dominant colour – the tie should be the ‘louder’ of the two. When mixing stripes and checks, make sure the larger pattern is on the tie. Don’t follow the example above where the pink/orange colours and the patterns both clash.

SHIRT by FARAH ` 4,000 TIe by ASoS ` 500

SHIRT by ARMAnD bASI ` 8,500 TIe by ASoS ` 500

go for contrast

SHIRT by TIMbeRlAnD ` 3,600 TIe by HACkeTT ` 4,000

muted and booted 2. uSe tHe rIGHt tIe KNOt fOr tHe rIGHt cOllar Get the proportions right. A cutaway collar doesn’t work with a skinny tie (see above). It needs a Windsor knot – which is wide and triangular. Conversely, a narrow button-down collar requires a slim tie.

SHIRT by buRlInGTon ` 6,200 TIe by TIe RACk ` 510

SHIRT by TopMAn ` 1,600 TIe by D&G ` 8,000

SHIRT by peTeR WeRTH ` 3,600 TIe by buRTon ` 500

SHIRT by lAnVIn ` 19,200 TIe by polo RAlpH lAuRen ` 4,000

3. texture tIPS

Casual shirts in thicker fabrics – such as denim or flannel – work better with wool and knitted ties than flimsier silks, which go better with lighter materials.

SHIRT by nIGel HAll ` 5,700 TIe by unIVeRSAl WoRkS ` 2,500 fhmindia.com

SHIRT by blue InC ` 2,000 TIe by neXT ` 600

SHIRT by boSS blACk ` 7,200 TIe by CH CARolInA HeRReRA ` 6,500

SHIRT by D&G ` 12,400 TIe by FRenCH ConneCTIon ` 1,800 September 2010

89


UpGRADe style

Well Heeled

hoW to…

A LAST DITCH ATTEMPT By THE uK TEAM...BuT WE’RE STILL SHOPPInG OnLInE plain broWn lace-ups

Make your shoes last

It doesn’t matter how much they cost, even the cheapest pair will go the distance with proper attention.

loAke `9063

HuDSon

Won HunDReD

` 6,500

` 15,200

CRoCkeTT & JoneS ` 20,700

italian styling 1. tHe BaSIcS

AuToGRApH by M&S

boSS blACk

` 4,350

` 21,700

D&G

` 23,200

olIVeR SWeeney ` 1,450

broWn brogues

ASoS

value cHoice

RuSSell & bRoMley

` 2,500

Spray with silicone spray before you first wear them and leave for half-an-hour before venturing outdoors. Don’t wear the same pair every day – ‘rest’ them every two days to let the leather (and your feet) dry out and breathe.

` 12,100

pRADA

` 32,700

GRenSon

buRTon

` 4,700

` 4,995

textured

2. qualIty cONtrOl

bARRATTS ` 3,600

lAnVIn

` 22,500

black

VIkToR & RolF

` 21,800

` 23,600

england’s finest

DunHIll ` 24,300

nDC

` 28,300 90

louIS VuITTon

JeFF bAnkS AT DebenHAMS ` 5,400

peTeR WeRTH ` 5,000

CHuRCH’S ` 17,800

nICHolAS DeAkInS

neXT

` 3,300

September 2010

` 7,000

pAul SMITH ` 14,500

3. advaNced claSS

Always air dry your shoes – never place them near a heat source such as a radiator or on top of the boiler as this makes leather brittle. put them on with a shoe horn. Use a shoe tree to keep the shape when not being worn and to help break them in if they’re new.

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Compiled by: Ange Hughes. Words: Jess Punter. Illustration: Tobatron

ASoS

` 3,300

Spending a few minutes cleaning, conditioning and polishing shoes every week will significantly extend their life, helping them age gracefully and improving their looks. Lightly cross-hatch new shoes’ soles with a knife to give grip. Resole frequently.


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

SUBSCRIPTION FORM Name Address City

State

Pin

Ph (off)

(Res)

Email Subscription for

1 year

2 year

3 year

I am enclosing Cheque/ DD No.

Dated

drawn on (specify bank)

D D M M Y Y favouring MaXposure Media Group (INDIA) Pvt. Ltd. for Rs

please charge my credit card Card No. Card Member’s name

M M Y Y

Card Expiry date

Date of Birth

D D M M Y Y Signature

Where did you hear about the magazine? Newsstand

Complimentary Copy

Year

Other Magazines

Cinemas

Salons & Spas

Retail Stores

Television

Others(Pls Specify)

Issues

Cover - Price

Discount

You Pay

You Save

1

12

1200/-

360/-

840/-

30%

2

24

2400/-

960/-

1440/-

40%

3

36

3600/-

1800/-

1800/-

50%

Personal Details Gender : Education :

Male

Female Age (Yrs) : 21 to 25

Post Graduate

Income (lacs per annum) : Other a

indicators :

Graduate 20+

15-20

o thers 10-15

Pleasure trips abroad

25 to 30

30 to 35

Occupation : 5-10

35 to 40

Govt. Service

5 &Below

40 to 50 Pvt. Sector

50 above Professionals

Business

o thers

Can’t Disclose

Membership of more than one club

Spend more than 20K on luxury products each month

To Subscribe To Mail us at subscribe@maxposure.in • Log on to maxposure.in/subscribe Non MTNL/BSNL subscribers, please call: 011-43011111 (from rest of India) & 9511-43011111 (from Delhi & Faridabad). Mailing Address: Maxposure Media Group, 2nd Floor, o ld Business Centre, Le Meridien Hotel, Windsor Place, New Delhi - 01 o Subscription form and send it to us along with a Cheque or DD.

Terms & Conditions : • Please do not pay cash. • This is a limited period offer. • Rates & offer valid in India only. • Please allow 3-4 weeks for processing of your subscription. • Please write your name and address on the reverse of the Cheque/DD. • Maxposure Media Group (India) Pvt. Ltd. will not be responsible for postal delays, transit losses or damage to the subscription form. • If for any reason, Maxposure Media Group (India) Pvt. Ltd. skips any issue during the subscribed period, the subscription will be automatically extended accordingly. • Maxposure Media Group (India) Pvt. Ltd. reserves the right to terminate this offer or any part thereof at any time or to accept or reject any request at their absolute discretion. • No request for cancellation of subscription will be entertained after the delivery of the magazine has commenced. • Disputes, if any, are subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of competent courts and forums in Delhi only. • Terms and conditions are subject to change. • This offer supersedes all previous subscription offers. • Any change in periodicity or the cover-price will not apply to existing subscribers who will continue to receive the same not owned by Max please contact Maxposure Media Group (India) Pvt. Ltd., 2nd Floor, o ld Business Centre, Le Meridien Hotel, Windsor Place, New Delhi - 110001. Ph: 011 - 43011111 Email: subscribe@maxposure.in

Early birds will get a Gift from Glade Sport car perfume


IF yOu gO DOWn TO THE WOODs TODAy… …you’ll find born survivor and animal bollock connoisseur bear grylls. The wild in man vs wild in the toughest outerwear PHOTOGRAPHy: ALAn CLARKE FASHIOn: JESSICA PunTER WORDS: JOSH WOODFIn

92

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

b eAR NeCeS S ItIeS


At 35, Edward ‘Bear’ Grylls has lived a life. He earned a second Dan black belt in Shotokan karate in his teens, before switching to ninjutsu. He speaks English, Spanish and French. At 23 he was the youngest Briton to climb Everest, then he passed UK Special Forces Selection and served as a trooper, survival instructor and medic with the 21SAS. He’s circumnavigated the UK on a jet ski, he’s para motored over the Himalayas and held a dinner party at 25,000 ft. Recently appointed Chief Scout, Bear also built an epic tree house for his children. Making him essentially the best dad in the world, despite having eaten some really messed up stuff. FHM set the hounds on Bear and tracked him down to his country retreat, then begged to have a go on the zip line in his garden… Out of all the things you’ve eaten, which one still haunts your taste buds? Maybe frozen, raw yak eyeballs, or raw puff adder. Oh no, I know, it was raw goats testicles. They melted instantly into a mouthful of sperm. Bad news. Right, that’s disgusting. Any animals you’d really not like to bump into? Salt-water crocs. I’ve known them to take a grown man off the prow of a boat 17 miles offshore. Know your enemy and choose your battles is the motto here. you must see some weird stuff on your own in the wild, what’s the strangest? A subterranean battle in a deep cave 94

Opening spread: brown nylon military jacket and beige quilted gilet both by Hackett, deer-print shirt by Dunhill and beige trousers by g-star RAW

Above: black waxed cape by burberry Prorsum, beige quilted gilet by Hackett, khaki cotton trousers by MHL by Margaret Howell and boots bear’s own

between these giant whip scorpions and these bats. Mad world. What’s in your pockets right now? A passport, my iPhone, a laminated photo of my family and my sheriff’s badge. I was made an honorary cop in the State of Louisiana. Course you were. Has there ever been a moment where you’ve thought ‘right, this is it, game over…’? Quite a long list that I don’t much enjoy reliving in my mind! But probably the three closest shaves were my parachute malfunctioning high over the desert in southern Africa – I broke my back in three places; falling through the ice into a 200 ft deep crevasse high on Everest; and jumping inadvertently off a raft on top of a 16 ft man-eating tiger shark! Have you ever slept inside an animal to keep warm like when Luke sleeps in the tauntaun in Empire strikes back? Once in the Sahara I gutted a dead camel and slept in the empty, bloody carcass with the skin pulled over the opening to protect me from a sandstorm. Interesting night. Especially as I was on Larium anti-malarials which often give you pretty wacky dreams and I dreamt that the camel came back to life suddenly. That’s genuinely horrible. What’s the strangest item of clothing you’ve ever worn while adventuring? An old tatty pair of chefs trousers I used a lot on Everest. I wore them over my

September 2010

thermals on warm days, even up high. I just liked them for some reason, maybe because they looked so ridiculous. Have you ever made your own clothes? Camel jacket not included… On combat survival with the SAS we improvised clothing out of old sacks, car seats and rubbish bags. They became our escape and evasion clothes while being hunted by ‘enemy’ forces in the Bavarian Alps in winter. Rough and ready kit, but it worked. What piece of equipment do you never leave the house without? Depends on what the mission is. But I have learned that the most vital survival tool is a fierce determination to make it back alive... having the will to keep going and never ever give up. I also remember that great Churchill quote: when you are going through hell, keep going. That has helped me through a lot over the years. When WW III inevitably kicks off and the world is plunged into a nuclear winter and all the survivors turn to cannibalism, where will you take your family? Will you go on the run? Or is it better to stay put and defend the homestead? I have a plan and a place in mind. But if I told you it would no longer be a valid secret place. Bear’s outdoor apparel collection is available from beargryllsstore.com and it’s on sale. So get it quick. fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

b eAR NeCeS S ItIeS

Dark green waxed ďŹ eld jacket by burberry Prorsum, olive cotton blouson and khaki cotton trousers ÂŁ500 both by bottega veneta and khaki silk shirt by Miharayasuhiro


“OnCE I GuTTED A CAMEL AnD SLEPT In THE BLOODy CARCASS TO PROTECT ME FROM A SAnDSTORM. InTERESTInG nIGHT” True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Olive military vest and khaki cotton shirt both by Polo Ralph Lauren, brown cotton washed trousers by Alexander McQueen, boots bear’s own and ‘Emergency’ watch by breitling


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

b eAR NeCeS S ItIeS ‘Expedition’ T-shirt and ‘survivor’ trousers both by bear grylls and ‘Emergency’ watch by breitling

Photography Assistants: Rhys Thorpe and ben beagent grooming: stef Arron using kiehl’s Land Rover Defender 90 courtesy of Land Rover


UpGRADe style

trend

advice

Style clINIc

LIKE uDHAM SInGH BuT WITH EVEn MORE BRuTISH CHARM, THERE IS nO SARTORIAL PROBLEM OuR nEW STyLE AGOny unCLE, CHOuDHARy VEER SInGH, CAn’T SOLVE. MAIL QuESTIOnS TO fhm@maxposure.in sLEEvAgE

SLEEVE CoNFUSIoN

MOObs

bLIng

SAGGY CHEST

MAN JEWELS

I’m developing some pretty impressive man boobs. Is there Anything I can do to minimise my newly acquired assets? Apart from dieting of course.

I’ve always liked the odd bit of jewellery, but gold seems too sethji and silver is a bit cheap. Is there anything else I could get away with?

VEER SAYS:

VEER SAYS:

VEER SAYS:

SoLUTIoN

SoLUTIoN

I hear that only property dealers with stained teeth wear short-sleeved shirts to work. Are they really not acceptable for the office? I recall once saw a picture on Star Movies called Falling Down, one of those late night showings. Michael Douglas lost his job and went on a killing spree. What’s my point? He was wearing a short sleeved shirt at the time. Damn sinister if you ask me. There are two versions: a boxy fit from Raghavendra Rathore or a bicep-hugging style from the family tailor. Buy the Rathore to save looking like an old-school stock broker. If you can’t afford a Rathore, buy a long-sleeved shirt and roll those sleeves up like a man.

the collar Bar

It wasn’t like this in my day. Regular cross-village runs to school and college in pouring rains would have taken care of that bosom. However, since you’ve let yourself go and refuse to diet, ditch any tight T-shirts, especially with horizontal stripes. Replace them with roomier but not baggy examples in a heavier grade of cotton which don’t cling. Choose a solid, manly colour such as black or navy. And for god’s sake stop buying linen shirts! If all else fails, try a compression T-Shirt (Equmen sells it online). Wear it underneath your tees to squash your moobs. Just don’t mention it to any ladies you’re courting.

Time was, when anything more than a saffire ring would have had people around you cracking jokes. That said, I try and move with the times so here are a few rules. Firstly, if it was your grandad’s it’s probably passable. Secondly, don’t over do it. If you’re unsure, stick to a watch and one other item. Lastly, avoid wood. Even if you found a pair trawling around in Goa like a friend of mine, remember, you’re not there any more, so pull your socks up and stick to metal.

SoLUTIoN

Work out what you want and start with the smallest/most subtle and restrained version you can find. Gauge your mates’ reaction and, if it goes down well, or better still, unnoticed, look for another piece that will compliment it. Finally, don’t mix gold and silver. Stick to one.

The man at the forefront of the return to proper dressing, Tom Ford, fronted his own campaign for his fragrance for men, Grey Vetiver, in a white shirt replete with silver collar bar. A collar bar is used to the hold the ends of the collar together and prop up the tie knot to provide a more aesthetically pleasing arc to the necktie. popular in the first half of the 20th century, it’s a super sharp look. Clip-on collar bars are a key feature of Ford’s awesome autumn/winter shirting collection. Expect others to follow suit.

ASoS.CoM £35

Tom Ford

The connoisseur’s choice; it has to expensive and desirable. tomford.com

SHady vIeW Of faSHION

Maui Jim began as a small company selling sunglasses on Maui, Hawaii, back in the early 1980s. Today, Maui Jim is the fastest-growing polarized sunglass maker in the world. Maui Jim was “born” with an original line of seven sunglass styles. Today, the company sells more than 81 styles and 217 SKUs and is the fastest growing polarized sunglass maker in the world.

98

Maui Jim Sunglasses are renowned for classic performance with styles that combine polarizedplus® Technology with a patented 9 layer design including a waterproof coating, an anti-reflective “bounce back” layer which prevents eye fatigue, a scratch resistant clear coat, and an optically correct distortion free lens. prices: 8,470 onwards

September 2010

peter Werth

An admirable effort but wouldn’t cost you an arm, a leg or half of your kidney to own

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Matt Hambly and Jessica Punter

watcH out


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


Get a GOld medal BOdy FORGET THE LEAKInG COMMOnWEALTH STADIuMS. AT LEAST yOu CAn BE In SHAPE. ALL yOu nEED IS A PAIR OF BALLS… illiam Sharman. Pete Reed. Louis Smith. David Davies. Simon Mantell. Jessica Ennis. Tom Daley. Remember these seven names. And remember them for two reasons. Number one: They are some of Britain’s best gold medal hopes for London 2012. And number two: They are the crack team that are going to turn your sweaty, podgy torso into a hard, honed, toned medal worthy frame. Yes, that’s right, FHM has teamed up with seven of Britain’s top athletes to give you the ultimate pre-season training programme. It’s a 12-exercise circuit that will supercharge your core and leave you both fit enough and strong enough to excel at your chosen sport this season. But the best bit? If you nip out to the shops and purchase a Swiss ball and a medicine ball, you won’t even need to go to the gym.

W

100

pro training tips

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all the team t h e wo R ko U t t e n s t e p s t o A n o ly m p i A n p h ys i q U e

1. SWISS BALL JACK-KNIFE

JeSSIca eNNIS

age: 24 from: Sheffield event: Heptathlon PB: World Champion, 2009

Demonstrated by Jessica Ennis Muscles worked: quads, glutes, core “This exercise really helps with balance and strength,” reveals the 24-year-old World Champion heptathlete, who trains six days a week during the winter (oct-Jan)

to make sure she’s in peak shape for competing. “Assume a pressup position with your feet on the Swiss ball and your back in a neutral position, then, in a slow, controlled manner, bring your knees up to your chest. Do four sets of ten reps to really get your core working.”

2. SWISS BALL HAMSTRING CURL Demonstrated by Jessica Ennis Muscles worked: hamstrings, glutes, core “Excellent for the hamstrings, core and bum muscles,” says Ennis, who competes in the European Championships this month. “It’s all about control, so

it’s important you do it slowly. Lie with your back straight, backside off the floor and your heels on the ball, then roll the Swiss ball towards you with your heels and then back away from you again. I do four sets of ten reps either as part of a circuit or as preparation for lifting weights.”

UpGRADe fitness

M E E T yO u R C OA C H E s …

1

1 Pete reed

age: 28 from: Nailsworth event: Coxless fours PB: olympic Gold, 2008

2

2

davId davIeS

age: 25 from: Barry events: 1,500m freestyle, 10km freestyle PB: olympic Silver, 10km freestyle, 2008

3. SWISS BALL PRESS-UP SImON maNtell

age: 26 from: Bridgwater event: Hockey PB: European Champions, 2009

lOuIS SmItH

age: 21 from: peterborough event: Gymnastics PB: olympic Bronze, pommel Horse, 2008

Demonstrated by pete Reed Muscles worked: core, triceps, pecs, biceps “Do this before a weights session to activate your core prior to hitting the weights bench,” says pete Reed, part of Britain’s goldmedal-winning coxless four in Beijing, and a man who, in the

build-up to his season, does three weights sessions a week and three sessions of 15 miles a day on the water. “This one’s great for your upper body and core as the element of instability makes it more core-orientated than a regular press-up. I would spend a minute on this and do around 15 press-ups in a controlled way.”

4. SWIMMERS Demonstrated by David Davies Muscles worked: core, shoulders “Most of my training involves swimming,” shrugs 10km and 1,500m freestyle medal hope David Davies. “But before I get in the pool, I’ll do a core stability circuit – eight different exercises

performed twice. This one here is great, because it aids my core, which ensures my hips don’t drop when they are in the water, and it activates the big back muscles I need to power my arms through the water. Lie on the ball, make sure your posture is correct, then simulate a front crawl action for 45 seconds.”

1

1

2

WIllIam SHarmaN

Words: Stuart Hood.

age: 25 from: Corby event: 110m hurdles PB: 4th, World Championships, 2009

2

tOm daley

age: 16 from: plymouth event: 10m diving PB: World 10m Champ, 2009

fhmindia.com

September 2010

101


5. MEDICINE BALL ROTATION SUPERSET

Demonstrated by Simon Mantell Muscles worked: core, shoulders, lats “This superset of three exercises is about rotation and explosive power,” reveals 26-year-old Team GB hockey

2

1

3

8. STRAIGHT LEG MEDICINE BALL HIP ROTATION

Demonstrated by william Sharman Muscles worked: adductors, core “This is a real pre-season exercise for me,” admits the 25-year-old who used to be coached by Gladiators ref John Anderson. “In summer I keep my exercising really focused and weight-work to a minimum, because

102

get a medicine ball and do three or four sets of 10-12 reps of each of these, beginning with side-to-side, moving onto the top to bottom and finishing with the overhead throw.”

forward Simon Mantell, who hits the gym three times a week and trains on the pitch for the rest of the time. “Both elements are important in hockey as it’s how we generate strength and pace. We

I need to be really fresh for races. But before the season starts this is a great drill as it helps strengthen my core and groin, which are hugely important muscles for my event. place a medicine ball between your legs, keep your back flat and slowly rotate your legs as far as they can go. Do six reps on each side.”

4

5

6

9. SWISS BALL GRASSHOPPER Demonstrated by louis Smith Muscles worked: core, shoulders, biceps, glutes, thighs As pulp once sang: this is hardcore. “I don’t lift weights, because gymnastics is all about muscle-to-weight ratio,” states 21-year-old pommel horse don Louis (pronounced Lewis) Smith, who trains 32 hours a week. “Because of this I need to know I can handle lifting my own body weight, so I tend to

undertake some pretty intense exercises in order to up my core strength. This one is called the Swiss Ball Grasshopper and it sees me get into a press-up position with my feet on a Swiss ball, then swing my left leg across my body and as far out to the right as I can. I tend to do this until it hurts, but if you are just beginning I’d recommend starting off with three sets of eight on each leg, then working your way up.”

1

1

2

2

4

3

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

1

his pre-season. “I like it, though, because it strengthens my abs, gets my lower back loose and activates my external obliques, which are crucial for a hurdler as they aid rotation. Sit facing forward with your feet off the floor and your knees raised, then do six reps on each side, making sure to keep your feet raised at all times.”

7. SWISS BALL STRAIGHT LEG BRIDGE Demonstrated by Tom Daley Muscles worked: core, glutes, abs “I train six days a week, every week,” reveals ripped 16-year-old, plymouth-born diving phenomenon Tom Daley. “I do two hours in the morning and four in the evening, which includes all my pool work, stretching, weight training, trampolining and my core stability circuit. Your core is particularly crucial in

diving, because if your body snaps as you enter the water you lose marks. Luckily, this exercise really aids it. It makes you tense the lower part of your abs that you normally find more difficult to work and is remarkably simple to perform. Just place your feet on the Swiss ball, raise your hips and hold the position for as long as you want. I hold it three times for a minute.”

2

UpGRADe fitness

6. RUSSIAN TWIST

Demonstrated by william Sharman Muscles worked: core, obliques, abs, shoulders “This is a brute of an exercise that can also be done with a dumbbell,” smiles Britain’s 110m hurdle ace, who does separate weights and hurdles sessions three times a week during

1

10. SWISS BALL HELL

Demonstrated by louis Smith Muscles worked: core, legs, arms, shoulders okay, so this isn’t this exercise’s real name, but Louis “just does it” and the internet hasn’t embraced this harsh a gym punishment yet. “This is another exercise that is great for improving core strength,” he says. “Start by lying flat on your back, with a Swiss ball in your hands, then bring your arms and your legs up and throw the Swiss ball from one to the other. Catch it between your legs, and then drop your heels towards the floor, before raising them again and repeating the exercise in reverse. Start with three sets of eight reps… if you can!”

These athletes are wearing Adidas Supernova trainers. Visit facebook.com/ adidasrunning to find out more

fhmindia.com

old Masters

1

Get a GOld medal BOdy… c. 700Bc

HOW TO TRAIn LIKE An AnCIEnT OLyMPIAn…

3 Rodin’s mate on his day off

2

1

develOP aN ImmuNIty tO tHe cOld

Ancient olympians competed naked to demonstrate the power of the human body, and because ancient Greeks were generally a bit weird like that. They would also cover themselves in olive oil, for ‘sexy’, glisteny reasons.

3

2

maN uP

Ancient events included pankration, a full-contact fight which basically involved beating seven bells out of your opponent in whatever way you chose. Even boxing, for a time, involved wearing hard leather straps, weighted with metal, and only finished when one man conceded or died. on the plus side, dying during a match meant an automatic win.

cOOl dOWN WItH a WalK

Greek philosopher Hippocrates believed athletes who took a post-exercise stroll would have more rested, stronger bodies.

4

aBStaIN frOm Sex

Champion pentathlete Ikkos of Tarentum was said to not so much as touch any women – or boys – while in his training period.

5

Get a traINer

Your ancient equivalent of Usain Bolt would hire a sadistic coach to put him through his paces. Just qualifying for the olympics required a

10-month period of almost round-the-clock training.

6

Get a flute cd

Greeks believed that rhythm and harmonious movement were vital for great athletes, so they’d sometimes exercise while a flautist played a little tune.

7

Stuff yOur face

Historical evidence suggests that contestants became massive carnivores during the games. one wrestler, Milon of Croton, apparently got through 20lb of meat per day, plus another 20lb of bread, then three pitchers of wine. The ancient olympics were loads more fun.

8

IGNOre WeIGHtS

There were no weight lifting events in the ancient olympics so building massive muscles would not necessarily serve you well in training. Agility was far more important, so do a lot of shadow boxing and use a punch bag. Even dancing was incorporated. So if you fail to win first prize you can always take your dancing, oily, naked self to a hen party and make a few quid.

September 2010

103


UpGRADe spoRt

taKe uP...

#2 KayaKING

TAKE TO THE RAPIDS FOR A CRACKInG uPPER-BODy WORKOuT AnD PLEnTy OF DunKS In THE GAnGA Is it like canoeing? No, canoeing is when you sit on a bench in the boat, knees bent, usually on a Year 10 outward-bound week. In kayaking you sit with legs outstretched and use a doublebladed paddle. Sounds relaxing… Not if you’re doing it properly. It’s your arms versus the water and superb for the upper body. But if you pick a good spot, the scenery

can also be amazing. Great. So I just get a boat and off I go! Canoe enthusiasts, says, “Kayaking is not an enjoyable experience without proper coaching or training.” Best take their advice. There’s several Facebook clubs by Kayak enthusiasts in India (We were the 200th member on one) time to switch from rafting - all the world and its grandmother is hopping into one.

So what muscles am I going to build? The constant pushing against the weight and force of the water means you’re using all of your upper body – particularly your upper arms. You’ll also be using your abs for stability and balance. You should achieve that ‘inverted triangle’ physique in no time.

Amazing. I’ll get some tight T-shirts. Is it going to cost me a fortune? You can hire kit at most kayaking centres. But if you want to do it regularly then it might be worth investing in your own gear. You could get a decent kayak, paddle and helmet for around Rs 39,000.

Get tHe KIt

the canoe ` 24,000 (ebay.co.in)

WHere dO I GO? PrO SKIllS

Stuff you should know Regardless of the type of kayaking, the key skill is being able to forward paddle – not just keep in a straight line but being able to do it efficiently, effectively and enjoyably. Achieving this will mean a faster boat speed, longer time in the water and greater control.

Most rivers, beaches or canals, but the following are recommended: the Ganga, Rishikesh For paddling about Indus, Ladakh Beginners and intermediate expeditions dibang river, Arunachal Kick ass beginners expeditions

the oars ` 10,000 the helmet ` 5,000 *if you are a novice buying would be stupid.

the ability to connect the boat, the body and the paddle so they are one unit and not three independent components is crucial. the canoeist should be ‘wearing’ the boat rather than just sitting in it. Kayaking is excellent for both recreation and competition. There is a type of canoe and kayak for everyone – from sea kayaking, to challenging white water, to gentle river days out, to endurance events, to team canoe polo… the list goes on.

104

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

eat yourselF tHin!

POSt-PuB GruB

yOu ARE nEVER GOInG TO HAVE A SALAD, BuT THE RIGHT CHOICE COuLD SAVE yOu 1,000 CALORIES

bad chOices dOMinO’s hawaiian (regular crusT)

1160 kcal (four large slices), 28g fat the thinner crust saves loads of calories, plus you’ll cut the amount of fat to 28g, a full 36.8g fewer than the Stuffed crust.

Maharaja Mac

573 kcal yes, the maharaja mac is comparatively good for you, its two patties adding up to 90g of meat. ask the guy to make your’s without mayo, which saves it some fat and flavour. this, however, does not make it a health food. It is still proper lardy.

large dOner Kebab

1,100 kcal, 62g fat the lamb used is very fatty and once combined with garlic sauce (basically mayo with garlic in it) you’re using two thirds of your daily fat allowance in one oddly green lump that you’d probably (hopefully) never touch sober.

buTTer chicKen

391 kcal chicken cooked in cream, topped up with more butter and served with more cream.

beTTer chOices

PiZZa huT PePPerOni feasT sTuffed crusT

800 kcal (four large slices), 64.8g fat mmmm, greasy. all that fatty pepperoni is a bad start. add the cheese on top and in the crust and you may as well just shove it right down your arteries.

Zinger burger

479 kcal chicken burgers are less likely to contain large amounts of fat, but it’s the additions – the mayo, hash brown, cheese – that make kFc’s beast fatter than an ambassador. Swap for something without a bun and not called a burger - that might help.

Kebab

300 kcal, 15g fat this skewered lamb kebab is much healthier than its badass rotisserie cousin. It’s also a reasonably good source of protein and, as long as you stick to yogurt and cucumber dressing and leave the offer of a side of chips alone, a pretty healthy meal all round.

saMOsa

350 kcal So, if you don’t know what a samosa is, we just feel bad for you. If you do, you know exactly what kind of a fatty potato filled, deep fried treat you’ve popped into your mouth. the worst part is you can’t eat just one, or without jalebis.

besT chOices PiZZa exPress la reine

727 kcal, 8g fat Want your pizza healthier? Go a bit swankier. this has less cheese, which cuts your fat considerably (under 10g). or just give up pretenses and order a salad (and no the nachos at tGIF don’t count) and keep room for beer.

vada Pav

295 kcal It’s the great Indian burger and the love of maharashtra’s life. the big ass fried yellow aloo bonda pops into a nontossed bun and gets some tamarind chatni poured over itself. Best eaten with a green chilly in the other hand.

chicKen Kebab

290 kcal, 6.8g fat / the chicken is grilled, which reduces the fat, plus it’s accompanied by lots of salad (we don’t eat). this is as healthy as fast food gets tragically we eat ours with beer.

large baTTered fish

400 kcal, 26g fat (without chips) Fish itself isn’t fatty – plaice is the most calorific, haddock probably the best – but covering it in batter and deep frying it changes that. peel off the batter and you’ll have a healthy meal. and amazing self-control.

EndlEss summEr

keep fat at bay and maintain your new beach body by chowing down on these nutritious superstars

brOccOli

or any veg such as cabbage, sprouts or even asparagus. Cruciferous vegetables or onions are rich in sulphur which helps your liver to detox and metabolise fat more effectively. how to eat: As a veg portion on the side of your red meat sizzler. You just ate broccoli also order the cheese cake.

fhmindia.com

PeanuT buTTer

High in fat but mainly ‘good fat’ (monounsaturates which lower ‘bad’ cholesterol, and polyunsaturates which raise ‘good’ cholesterol). There’s lots of protein in there, but also the fat your body needs, but that doesn’t mean you can wolf down half a jar” how to eat: Spread thinly on some wholemeal toast.

MasOOr

Lean meat is a good source of protein, but try to get some protein from nonmeat sources, too. Masoor is bland, it needs to be mixed with something else to make it tasty, but it’s a great source of protein, to feed your muscles and keep you trim. how to eat: Use in place of rice, mothers have already started using it in upma.

salMOn

Any fish is great, but salmon is particularly rich in omega-3 oils, which are essential for repairing muscle. pair with veg for a musclemaintaining meal so sparse you’d feel like you’re on a bhook hadtal. how to eat: Cooked, as part of a salad with avocado, cucumber and leaves. Super nutritious.

September 2010

105


UpGRADe cARs

actION HerOeS

WITH THE RIGHT SPORT uTILITy VEHICLE yOuR TRIP TO BIG BAzAAR TuRnS InTO A PROPER ACTIOn-ADVEnTuRE

B

eep, beep – move over regular car drivers, because a motoring revolution is growling menacingly in your rear view mirror. Crossovers, 4x4s, sports utility vehicles – call them what you want, they’re everywhere. The 4x4 revolution started in 1948 when the original Land Rover was born. Equally at home in the wilds of Borneo or the choked streets of Mumbai, this was the car that really could go anywhere. Interest steadily grew, then in 1970 Land Rover introduced the Range Rover – a sleeker, more refined version that shifted the emphasis from hill to high street. “We need to tap into this,” boomed motoring executives. The rest is market-growing, salesincreasing, planet-killing history. Which bring us nicely to the downside of 4x4s: their thirst. Our streets, skies and bank balances are choking on the gargantuan engines of the BMW X5s and X6s, Audi Q7s and Volvo . Vehicles that, while excellent, are pointless and pricey if the closest you get to ‘off-roading’ is dodging potholes in the rain ravaged streets. Happily, there’s an alternative. A breed of cars that come with the same sense of urban adventure, but drink less juice, emit less poison and cost less money. A breed of cars known as ‘soft roaders’. Some soft roaders are brilliant new models, like Audi’s Q5. Some, such as the current Land Rover Freelander, are new versions of old classics. Nissan’s boxy X-Trail is good but dull, while some are decent drives, but still just too damned big and thirsty. There are some capable machine, then there is the Mitsubishi Outlander, which you’d park on your farm. In other words? Perhaps appropriately, it’s a purchasing jungle out there, people. But it’s a jungle FHM has torn apart to leave you with a selection of four tasty vehicles and one motor that should be your tax saving for the year

106

Mahindra 550 from ` 1.8 lac onwards

So here’s the thing you can spend a Crore and buy an SUV, but it’s this that even the killer Delhi Bluelines will give way to – the maibaap of the off-road circuit. Ladies and gentlemen introducing the Mahindra 550. The 4WD monster isn’t made for the civilian market despite forums like team BHp doing everything short of candle-light vigils to force Mahindra to make a civilian version and failed. So here’s what you do – fly down to Mayapuri which is the coolest junk market in Delhi and look around. These dealers pick up the 550s in auctions from the Army and then sell them forward for about 1 lakh. While picking up one remember the Type VI are the vehicles in the best shape. Almost all of them would need an engine overhaul (Hukum Singh in the same market is the best mechanic in the radius of five villages). We suggest padam Motors – non-shady dealers and even help transporting the jeeps down south if that’s what you need. Do not though buy already prepared 550s (they’re the worse of the lot) or 540s (smaller engines and they don’t have heaters – these babies do). Also buying a 550 is like giving birth to a baby, avoid if you are looking to adopt.

Audi Q5 ` 39 lacs

old Land Rover from ` 10 lacs

No matter how much other manufacturers tinker, none of them can produce a car with the sheer breadth of off- and on-road ability possessed by this British institution. And make no mistake Land Rovers are British institutions. They’re exempt from the wrath of the green brigade, despite drinking like Lindsay Lohan on a hen do and emitting more toxic gas than James Corden after a full English. They cross the class divide. They’ve been used to save countless lives in battle and on mountainsides. And they last forever – experts estimate that 75% of all Land Rovers ever built are still in use. So if you’re looking for the ultimate crossover, look no further. In any car park anywhere in the world, a Land Rover will get you the one thing that no other 4x4 can. And that is a money-can’t-buy thing called respect. max power: 55bhp top speed: 93 kmph 0-62mph: Er, see above

September 2010

This smaller brother of the Q7 is so fantastically driveable, it makes you forgive and forget its elder sibling’s crimes against humanity. A true on-road utility vehicle (read: this really can’t cope with the rough stuff), the Q5 comes replete with Audi’s trademark grille up front and its chunky looks out back. These, however, are just pleasant padding – the true genius of this vehicle comes in the way that it’s interior is screwed together. Everything from the nice, high seats to the dash feels expensive and bombproof, while the on-board tech more than matches anything in this class. And the coup de grace? The Q5 does over 60kmph, considerably more than a VW camper van. max power: 168bhp top speed: 202kmph 0-100kmph: 9.5 secs

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

hoW to…

skills scHool

Have sex in a car

drIve lIKe a StuNt maN

OuT DRIVE THOSE IDIOTS FROM THE DuKES OF HAzARD

wheelspin The aim here is to create as much noise and smoke as you can. put your left foot on the clutch and with your right give it as many revs as you can. Then slip it into 1st gear, come off the clutch, and straight onto the brake. Hold this really hard for 1.5 secs. This will mean the front wheels stay solid, but the acceleration makes the back wheels spin and smoke. Impressive enough

but for extra ‘action points’, slowly come off the brake pedal and then go back on it at half pressure. pumping the brake on and off will allow the car to move forward slowly, but with lots of smoke still coming out the back.

1. fIrSt cOrNer

Firstly, getting caught could lead to you spending some time at the mercy of a jat in Khakis The risk element might well be part of the thrill, but it’ll be a hell of a passion killer if it happens. Find somewhere quiet, then get the windows steamed up with lots of foreplay. If the law can’t see you they can’t have you for it.

hAnDbRAke tURn BMW X1 ` 25 lacs

Yes, this is the best car to avoid. Why? Where do you want us to start? The X1 is ugly to look at. It feels cheap to sit in, yet almost everything is an

“optional extra”, and hence it’s expensive to buy. It’s slow (thanks to a diesel engine that would be better put to use in a ride-on mower). And it’s utterly incapable of doing anything off-road, apart from getting stuck. oh,

and pedestrians and other motorists are guaranteed to mouth the word ‘twat’ in your general direction. point made. Avoid, avoid, avoid. max power: 175bhp top speed: 202 kmph 0-100 kmph: 8.1 secs

Speed makes this a lot easier, not to mention more impressive, so while travelling along in second gear have your foot down three-quarters of the way on the throttle. Make sure there is loads of space to your right and your left, then simultaneously put your clutch to the floor and pull on the handbrake, holding the button with your thumb as hard as you can. Keep holding the button, then with your right

hand turn the steering wheel to either right or left full lock (note: right is easier as your weight is on that side of the car). Then, as the car is rotating, take your foot off the accelerator and press the brake gently, so you can make sure you turn a neat 180° rather than go right round. once you’re turned, drop the handbrake down, put your foot back on the accelerator and speed away.

DonUt This looks great but is actually the easiest of these action tricks to pull off and because of that there are a few methods out there. The one I find best is where, with the handbrake on, you turn the steering wheel to full right lock, then put the car in 1st

gear and step on the gas, giving it loads of revs. Now come off the clutch and release the handbrake. As you do the car will turn in a circle. Try this a few times, then, once you get better, neaten your circle up by coming slightly off the steering lock as you rotate.

2. mIddle SectION

Go for the front seat. A roll around in the back seat is for fumbly teenagers with sweaty palms and crap cars. Move the seatbelt out of the way (unless some light, chafing S&M is on the menu), put the passenger seat back as far as it will go and then have her straddle you, facing away from you with her hands on the dashboard for support.

3. fINal laP

Always wear a condom. Not just for safe sex reasons (though that’s a good a reason as any) but because nobody – nobody – wants to be sitting in evidence of the wet patch every time they accompany you to Big Bazaar

September 2010

107


UpGRADe GADGets

HOW tO Buy 3d tvS ARE yOu READy TO JOIn THE STICKy-OuTy TV REVOLuTIOn?

Now’s the time to upgrade to 3D: Sky’s launching a channel dedicated to broadcasting in 3D, 3D Blu-rays are on their way and even games are getting in on the act. To bring all this entertainment into your lounge you’ll need a 3D TV, so here’s our guide to what to look for when investing in the third dimension. SO, HOW dOeS It WOrK?

There are two competing kinds of 3D technology: passive TVs use glasses similar to those used in a 3D cinema to filter the light to make one image, while active glasses have electronic shutters that close alternately 120 times a second. Most 3D TVs come with at least one pair of glasses. Active specs are more expensive (about RS 7,250 a pair). The active picture is higher resolution than passive, but makes some people feel sick, so best try it for yourself in the shop first. Helpfully, only own-brand glasses work with the relevant TVs, because these big electronics companies hate us.

Samsung LE40C750 This 40-incher may be the joint smallest TV here, but it’s by far the cheapest, since the price recently took a tumble. Glasses aren’t included, so you’ll need to shell out for at least one active pair from Samsung. But it has four HDMIs for easy swapping between Blu-rays, gaming and Sky, and lets you run movies off an external hard drive using the two USB ports.

lcd, PlaSma Or led?

LED TVs are LCD sets backlit with light emitting diodes. This helps picture quality: switching off some of the LEDs gives a truer black colour than anything artificially created. They also use less power, saving you money on your electricity bill – but they do come with hefty price tags. Another plus is they can be far slimmer than normal LCDs or plasmas. At larger sizes, however, picture quality isn’t as sharp as on plasma sets, whether 3D or not, so take that into consideration.

extras

3d blu-ray Player You’ll need to upgrade your Blu-ray player if you want to spin 3D discs – the current cream of the crop is the Samsung BD-p6900.

dO I Need aNy OtHer NeW KIt?

You’ll need a Blu-ray player capable of decoding the information on a 3D disc, which most old players can’t. Good news for pS3 owners: Sony will release a free firmware update to make it capable of playing 3D Blu-ray. Some machines can upscale 2D discs to 3D, but it generally looks a bit crap.

caN I Get 3d tv WItHOut SKy?

Saif is already seen flirting on screen while he endorse Airtel HD TV. Tata Sky threatens to launch their own version soon.

Samsung UE55C9000 The sexiest 3D set available. The remote is a crowd pleaser too, with a separate screen so you can carry on watching TV when you take a loo break. You’d better develop IBS sharpish to make it worth it.

airTel hd Airtel has launched its new HD tv and the ads are doing the rounds by the minute.

PlaysTaTiOn 3 Download WipeEout HD, SuperStardust HD, or pAIN from the playStation Store and you can play them in 3D – look out for more coming soon, too.

ThE radar The new xbOx 360 Microsoft has given its games system a shiny overhaul. Under the skin, it’s now packing a 250GB hard drive, built-in wi-fi, and comes set up for the new Kinect control system.

108

PhiliPs fideliO 9000 iPOd sPeaKer Look at it. It’s just so lovely. All rounded and wooden and sexy. It’s also had great reviews for its sound performance from the techy press. We want.

b&O beOlab 11

Go on, guess what it is. No, it’s not a robot’s egg. It’s the swankiest sub-woofer you’ll ever see.

Ps3 sliM whiTe

saMsung navibOT

Sony is launching its console in albino colouring in Japan. It’ll probably follow here shortly. For those who find their black pS3 really messes with their glass palace.

No, it’s not a slightly portly battle droid. It’s a hoover. Using an onboard camera and sensors the Navibot buzzes its way around your house, hoovering as it goes.

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

3D TV words: Joe Svetlik.

we rounded up the best tech out there and used it until it blew up. just don’t tell the pr people. oh…


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

sMart-pHones

WHO NeedS IPHONeS? panasonic TX-p50VT20 It may be bulky, but being the only 3D TV packing both Freeview HD and Freesat tuners, it gives you plenty of alternatives to a costly Sky subscription. 3D picture quality is among the best around and an SD card reader comes built-in for viewing your holiday snaps in all their 50-inch glory.

LG LD950 Not only are the glasses much cheaper for passive sets like this, but LG is also good enough to chuck in four pairs, so if you want 3D for the whole family, this is the TV for you. picture quality isn’t quite as good as active sets of the same size, but the money you save should cushion the blow. lge.co.uk

philips 40pFL9705H Again, you’ll need to spend extra to upgrade this set to 3D – two pairs of active shutter glasses and a wireless adaptor will set you back £250. It also uses Ambilight, which is a series of lights that flash around the border matching what’s on-screen, for an immersing experience that’s guaranteed to please your stoner cousin.

THE IPHOnE 4 IS SEXy AnD STuFF. BuT THERE ARE OTHER SMART-PHOnES OuT THERE WITH EQuALLy WHIz-BAnGy FEATuRES. THESE ARE SOME OF APPLE’S KEy COMPETITORS Htc deSIre ` 29000

mOtOrOla mIleStONe xt720 ` 30000

For starters, it feels lovely in your hand, like an electronic pebble. on the software side, the email app is superior to Apple’s, letting you organise messages easily. The Friend Feed lets you condense your Facebook, Twitter etc in one place, which is an aid to virtual social butterflies. our favourite feature is the impression it does of the day’s weather (e.g. clouds floating across the screen if it’s overcast) when you turn it on. We’re simple. Good for: Pretty much anyone.

The design is a bit weird. It’s all corners. Under the skin, it’s packing a lot of power. It can take video in 720p HD video – you can plug it straight into your TV to play your footage. our video came out a little ‘noisy’ in normal lighting conditions. Its range of options feels immense, but it’s also easy to bypass most of them if you just want to use it simply. It’s just a shame it feels like making calls on a robot tortoise. Good for: People who like bells and whistles.

SONy erIcSSON xPerIa x10 ` 28,000

SamSuNG Galaxy S ` 28000

uSP: Great all-rounder

uSP: 720P video

uSP: iPhone but cheaper

uSP: massive Screen

If you’re looking to take on the iphone, why not just make a phone that looks almost exactly like one? That’s what Samsung’s done, and not badly. Fortunately it has the functionality to back up its shameless design similarities. Its screen is exceptionally good – its Super AMoLED display might not be technically as sharp as Apple’s, but you’d struggle to notice a difference. Most functionality directly mimics the iphone, and well. If you want iphone abilities at a lower price this is certainly worth investigating. Good for: apple haters

It’s a big lad, this ’un. The screen is the largest we tested, with great colour depth and clarity. That obviously equals bigger phone, but unless you’ve got little Beadle hands you shouldn’t have a problem. The camera is vastly superior to most mobile snappers, so you can even use the pictures outside Twitter. If there is a downside, it’s that the phone uses an older version of the Android operating system, so you’re missing out on a few features. 2.1 is likely to come later this year. Good for: anyone watching a lot of video. sonyericsson.com

fly Mc170 yOda saTnav

leMOn iT 717

TomTom has made Star Wars’ malapropic gnome available as a voice for its satnav system. Whether it will help you if you get stuck on the forest moon of Endor is TBC.

Since you like flinging your phone as much as you do, the Lemon iT717 (` 4,499)should be just about perfect. Look beyond the name and you will find a phone has all that you come to expect of a smartphone and some essentials like an instant messenger.

fhmindia.com

It’s small sleek and stylish, a phone that wouldn’t take up much of that valuable real-estate in your CK jeans. The tiny pandora’s box comes with all the bells and whistles and they even threw in a Rashi application and an accelerometer and motion sensor just to sweeten the deal. And all this for ` 4,094. perfect for a second phone. Just about bang on. plus it has social networking et al too.

September 2010

109


U p G R A D e t R Av e l

tHe WOrld’S mOSt excluSIve BarS TRuE, InDIA HAS SOME MEMBERS OnLy CLuBS. BuT WHEn IT CAME TO THE WORLD’S MOST EXCLuSIVE BARS- WE HAD TO KEEP LOOKInG...SIGH!

1 Crif Dogs, new york

True, you need to be achingly cool to wander through Manhattan’s East Village anyway. But don’t miss the ’50s kitsch restaurant on St Mark’s Place – either for the baconwrapped hotdogs, or the mysterious phone box at the end of the counter. Pick up the receiver and, if you’re lucky/cool/famous enough, the wall at the rear swings open to reveal PDT (Please Don’t Tell) – a tiny cocktail bar so cool it hurts. Tip: Obey the house rules: no loud talking or chatting people up. Loudly.

Even in the revitalised Northern Quarter on Mancland’s Left Bank, you can find peace – specifically hidden in an old textile warehouse. Stumble down the cobbled alley of Barlows Croft, look for an unmarked door with the world’s tiniest neon sign, and tasty cocktails can be yours until 4am. Tip: Be vigilant: the bar’s only entry requirement is “if you can find it, you can come in”. (corridorbar.co.uk)

3

Tonic Lounge, sydney

A normal mate’s house in a Kings Cross terraced street? Don’t let those Aussies fool you. This is only a mate’s house if you’re pally with Lawrence Llewleyn-Bowen: inside is a worn but lush boudoir of red drapes, velvet couches and chaises lounges. Bands play in the living room, while guest DJs do impromptu gigs in the back bedrooms. In short: a professional house party. Tip: Head to the kitchen for a raspberry and lychee martini, the house speciality. (toniclounge.com.au) 110

Buza: Not your average, er, boozer

ThE rulEs Take a woman You know how big bars never want to admit you and eight male mates? Take just two other blokes to a bar that only holds 20 and you’ve already made it a sausage party.

4

buza, Dubrovnik

Heading to Croatia’s famous walled city this summer? Head for the south wall in the old town and look for a gap bearing the sign “cold drinks”. Inside, teetering 60ft above jagged rocks, is a simple bar of patio chairs, and a straw roof. But order an Ozujsko beer and stick around for one of the most amazing and – should you be lady-laden – romantic sunsets on offer. Tip: Avoid the fly-ridden toilet. Unless you count ‘dysentery’ as a souvenir.

no photos Nobody wants to hang out with the tit who’s so excited he keeps snapping away like a pap at Lindsay Lohan’s bikini wax. no Fosters tops You’re in a cool hideout. Try drinking something a bit more interesting.

5 barts, London

Buried deep in the posh enclave of South Kensington (the address is listed as “somewhere on Sloane Avenue”), Barts is happily free of chinless Hooray Henrys. Instead, find the inconspicuous black door, ring the bell and await your fate: staff peer through a grate to decide “whether there’s room for you”. Inside, a weird Aladdin’s cave of Mickey Mouse wallpaper, cuckoo clocks and bric-a-brac await you – plus a great jukebox and fantstic food wet dreams are made of. Tip: Can’t find it? Ask the staff at the swanky Chelsea Cloisters hotel nearby – they’ll show you where.

Don’t spread the word The point is that they’re secret. Don’t go blabbing to everyone about your find – y’know, like in an international magazine or something.

September 2010

Words: Chris Bell

bar, 2 Corridor Manchester

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

hoW to…

7 Les Templiers: Drinks fit for kings

6

tHe faIlSafe date meal

THE FIRST TIME yOu COOK FOR A GIRL IS FRAuGHT WITH PERIL. GO RISOTTO – IT LOOKS FAnCy yET nEEDS MInIMAL EFFORT. HERE’S THE uLTIMATE RECIPE FOR SuCCESS

parmesan Risotto 

1 medium onion, finely chopped 75g butter 160g carnaroli rice 120ml white wine 400ml chicken or vegetable stock 120g grated parmesan

Les Templiers, Paris

From the outside, at 35 Rue de Rivoli, it’s one of Paris’ countless licensed PMU betting cafes. Inside? A secretive Royalist bar, with walls covered in photos, paintings and objects, praising the kings of France and their presentday descendants. Sacre bleu! Tip: Raise a glass to the portraits of the Comte de Paris, the current heir to the throne.

7

open a Wine Bottle Without a corkscreW

cooking For Muppets

1. WraP It

Remove any foil from the top of the bottle. Wrap the bottom of the bottle in a thick tea towel, or similar, so that it is quite well cushioned. Make sure you can still grip it firmly.

Club 33, Disneyland

Yep: plumb in the middle of California’s epicentre of screaming kids and long queues, old Walt built an adult rest-stop. Knock on the green door right next to the Pirates Of The Caribbean ride, then take a glass lift to a boudoir of incredible Disney memorabilia: original movie artwork, animation cells and a table used in Mary Poppins. Tip: Behave and the extremely limited public membership could be yours.

8 blind Eye, Prague

Formerly a proper, illegal Czech speakeasy, it’s now legit. Although if you ring the buzzer at 26 Vlkova St and get let in, it may be hard to tell: this is dark and grungily forbidding. Even the house cocktail is a mix of vodka, gin, tequila and white rum. The mixer? Possibly “your blood”. Tip: Obey the sole house rule: “respect other patrons”. You know, as if you wouldn’t. (blindeye.cz)

9 El Armario, barcelona

The empty houses of the El Raval area used to be a haven for squatters; now it’s a labyrinth of speakeasies. Head for Carrer de la Riereta, and you may spot El Armario. Although it’s unlikely: entrance involves actually walking through the owner’s wardrobe to get to the bar. Tip: It rarely opens before 3am (and sometimes not at all).

fhmindia.com

2. BaSH It

Hit the cushioned base of the bottle repeatedly against a hard, flat, vertical surface. A brick wall is best but if you’re in a park then a tree will do (as long as it’s a big tree – don’t use a sapling, or you’ll just break it).

3. yaNK It

As you hit the bottle against the surface, air inside will slowly force the cork out. once the cork is sufficiently exposed, simply pull it out with your hands. pause for the applause of fellow picnickers.

Fry the onion and garlic in 50g butter over a medium heat for 10 minutes until they’re as tender as they’ll get, but not coloured. Add the rice, fry for 2 minutes more, then the wine and simmer until absorbed. Add the stock bit-by-bit, cooking and stirring until the rice is al dente and the sauce thick, but still saucy – be prepared to add a little more or less stock, depending on the size of the pan.

It is important to understand both the amount of water added and the cooking time will determine how cooked the rice is. You are looking for al dente (firm, distinct, but no longer crunchy) grains of rice in a smooth sauce of their starch and the butter.

Taste for seasoning as you go – the rice will soak up salt like a sponge. Mix in the parmesan and remaining butter (stir vigorously to obtain a velvety texture – mantecare, the name of this process, means ‘to butter the sauce’) and taste for salt one last time to finish.

If you’re not happy with the texture, there’s still hope – if too runny, turn up the flame to boil off the excess water; and if too thick, add a splash of water or stock to thin. Serve immediately, and you’ll make the best of impressions. Serve with a Sangiovese or pinot nero wine

Variation I: radicchio & Barolo

1 small head radicchio or Treviso lettuce Reduce the parmesan to 90g 160ml Barolo wine (or any rich red) instead of the white – save the rest to serve with the meal Finely shred the radicchio, and add most of this after the onions have fried for 10 minutes. Fry together for a further five to wilt the lettuce before adding the rice. Use only 120ml of the wine cooked into the risotto – stir the remaining wine at the very last second for a slight alcoholic kick.

Variation II: Saffron

1 clove garlic, finely chopped 1 good pinch saffron strands 60g veal bone marrow, diced 5mm 2 strips lemon zest A tiny (12g) bunch flat-leaf parsley Add 1 clove of the garlic at the same time as the onion, and the saffron at the same time as the rice. Add the bone marrow for the last minute only of cooking, just before the butter and parmesan. Finely chop together the remaining garlic, lemon zest and parsley to make gremolata. Sprinkle this on top of the risotto when you serve.

Variation III: oyster & prosecco

A dozen oysters 160ml prosecco in place of the white wine 1 teaspoon chopped tarragon leaves Use fish stock not chicken  Shuck the oysters and save their juices. Use 50g butter at the start of cooking. Add 120ml of the prosecco during cooking. Add the oysters and their juices 2 minutes before the butter at the end of cooking, then fish them out when they have plumped up (1-2 minutes). Cut the cooked oysters into halves, and return them to the rice along with the tarragon and remaining butter at the end. Add the remaining prosecco just before you serve.

September 2010

111


UpGRADe bRAin

most impressive

1

Samuel maoz (2009) What she sees: It’s a subtitled, award-winning Israeli film. Clearly you are into art-house cinema and will engage her in many a stimulating political debate over a fruity, cheekily presumptuous bottle of red. What you get: The best war movie in years. Four men are holed up in a tank during the Lebanon War, seeing battle only through the sights of their gun. Wills are broken, towns are levelled, brother turns against brother, someone goes mad, innocent people will die. Tense, terrifying and gripping.

date dvdS

SHE’S COMInG ROunD FOR A ‘QuIET nIGHT In’ – SCORE! nOW ALL yOu nEED IS A DVD SHELF FuLL OF FLICKS GuARAnTEED TO IMPRESS THE PAnTS OFF Any GIRL. HERE’S TEn CLEVERBuT-GOOD TITLES yOu SHOuLD STASH THE PORn BEHInD…

WEird sciEncE ODD THInGS HAPPEnInG In THE WORLD THIS MOnTH

112

leBaNON

2

tHe aPartmeNt

Billy Wilder (1960) What she sees: It’s black and white! You’re drowning in culture. You’ve probably got some leather-bound books somewhere… that you’ve read! What you get: A 1960 sort-of romantic comedy… no no, stay with us. A 1960 sort-of romantic comedy that delivers for both men and women. Master of uplifting cynicism Billy Wilder directs a hilarious comedy about a man stuck in a dead end job, stepped on by everyone above him and dreaming only of the office girl who makes his day a little brighter. We’ve all been there at some time or another.

oscar winner

5

tHe GIrl WItH tHe draGON tattOO

Niels arden Oplev (2009) What she sees: oh my God, I’ve read that book! You get me! What you get: An adaptation of that book that everyone’s read about the bisexual computer hacker and a journalist investigating the disappearance of a child 40 years ago. The film adaptation is a cracking thriller which, though a bit long and occasionally a tad farty is a solid, edge-of-your-seat action flick that should please both sexes. There are two more to come, too.

Scientists have discovered the remains of an ancient species of whale. The vicious giant was a whopping 60ft long and, unlike most whales, had enormous tusk-like teeth. Its discoverers decided to name the creature after the author of Moby Dick, dubbing it ‘You Know, Thingybob’.

6

cItIzeN KaNe

Orson Welles (1941) What she sees: Wow, this one really knows his cinematic onions. What you get: It’s the film that everyone’s supposed to have seen, famously voted the greatest film of all time on several occasions. Honestly, it’s almost definitely not the best film you’ll ever see (much of the critical admiration is down to its technical achievements for its time). Watch it once and you’ll probably never touch it again, but at least you can say you’ve seen it. It’s no Aliens.

7

PlaNet eartH

(2006) What she sees: You’re aware of the world around you. You care about our planet. Also, cute little lion cubs. What you get: Aside from jaw-dropping photography of near unreachable parts of the world you’ll almost certainly never be fortunate enough to see, extraordinary animals on the brink of extinction, and this spinning orb we call home in exquisite glory? A massive shark leaping out of the water and eating a seal in slow-motion – it’s AWESoME!

A study at the University of Albany showed that men are more attracted to women with small feet, narrow hips and long thighs. So if you look a bit like a gazelle, you should be beating us off with a stick.

September 2010

8

ButcH caSSIdy aNd tHe SuNdaNce KId

George roy Hill (1969) What she sees: A man who appreciates classic cinema. You’re also a bit rugged and would probably be handy in a dangerous situation. What you get: Two of the coolest sons of guns ever, paul Newman and Robert Redford, playing two of the coolest sons of guns ever, the titular outlaws who evaded the law for years in ‘the old west’. Guns, bank robberies, women and high comedy – all are here.

Tears are an aphrodisiac – but only for mice. Research at a Tokyo university showed that male mice shed pheromone-containing tears which they then spread over themselves as they groom. But the pheromone only works when a female touches it. Your tears probably contain nothing similar, sadly. fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

uP

Pete doctor/Bob Peterson (2009) What she sees: You’re still in touch with childish things and not afraid to admit it. You’re so carefree you’ll probably whisk her off to paris on a whim. What you get: The tenth film by ace animation studio pixar. An old man and a scout fly the old fella’s house to a strange land in memory of his dead wife, who always dreamt of exploring the world. It’s packed with so much smart comedy that you’ll get new things from it even after ten viewings. You may cry, too – she’ll consider this a good thing. We don’t – obviously.

4

WHeN Harry met Sally

rob reiner (1989) What she sees: Secure enough he owns a proper rom-com. But if there are lots of others nearby he might be gay. What you get: Yes, it is a romantic comedy, but the emphasis is very much on the comedy. It’s all about two friends who constantly argue that men and women can never really be friends, with inevitable results. Thus it’s perfect viewing for you and that female friend you’ve always reckoned it could work out with. Billy Crystal should be a hero to all.

sports classic

9

tHe WIre: tHe cOmPlete SerIeS BOx Set

*Nobody actually said this.

david Simon (2009) What she sees: You like cop shows but good cop shows. How agreeably manly. What you get: oh, very funny. Come on. You know what it is. You’ve watched it. Haven’t you? What do you mean you haven’t? What planet do you live on? What have you been doing? How can you not have seen The Wire? Everyone’s seen The Wire. (Note: At least two people at FHM haven’t seen The Wire. You don’t want to be like them.)

US scientists have developed a test that claims to show the genetic likelihood of you reaching the age of 100. It identifies 150 genetic ‘signposts’ often present in people who reach extreme old age. It doesn’t take into account the chances of getting hit by a bus, so it’s a bit pointless.

fhmindia.com

10

HOOP dreamS

Steve James (1994) What she sees: You watch documentaries. You like to think. You’ve almost definitely finished a crossword without looking at the answers (not cryptic). What you get: A story of two American boys who dream of becoming pro basketball players. It’s got all the ups and downs of every great sporting movie – injuries, last-minute victories, seemingly insurmountable disasters – but it’s real, man. It’s real. NB: It’s three hours long, so not recommended as a date movie.

electrIc carS exPlaINed ECO-FRIEnDLy CARS ARE BIG AT THIS yEAR’S MOTOR SHOWS. BuT WHAT MAKES THEM TICK OVER?

lifesPan

POwer-uP

juice

baTTery

MagneTic

1 RANGE

2 CHARGING STATIONS

3 CHARGE

4 LITHIUM-ION FUEL CELLS

5 ELECTRIC MOTOR

Range is and always has been the major negative of electric cars, with current models doing less than 400 kms per charge. Electricity bills aren’t as much of an issue, however. American research has discovered that electric cars increase a household’s energy consumption by 13-19% a year – even then it means more cash for beer. plus, you can drive the newer lot of electric cars to the pub as well.

At present India has a piddly number of charging stations where you can charge an electric car. The mother of all ugly electric zebra-print rickshaws have already started getting in the way of SUVs. In London, the Mayor is planning to introduce 100,000 electric cars and 25,000 charging points by 2015. The Danish government is trying a number of ‘switch’ stations, where you can trade your dead engine for a fully charged one. So you can nip in, swap your dud battery and be back on the road in a far more palatable four minutes.

This isn’t complex. Your electric car charges just like your mobile phone – i.e. by plugging the connector that comes with it into a standard 240-volt plug socket. The Nissan Leaf (its scheduled to hit the western markets in 2013) claims it will get to 80% power in just thirty minutes and the Tesla Roadster reaches full charge in three-and-a-half hours, but most are designed to be topped up overnight.

This power source is the primary reason the world now gives a damn about electric cars. Because lithium-ion batteries’ energy storage density (stop snoring at the back) mean that electric cars can now almost rival their petrolpowered brethren. Lithium-ion cells – also the in-vogue batteries for modern laptops and mobiles – are valued because they discharge 20% slower. They pack far denser, and more powerful, energy and suffer no memory loss if charged before being empty. Tesla, packed several thousands consumer-grade lithium-ion cells into its Roadster. The result? An electric car that goes from 0-60 in 3.7 seconds.

Electric car motors work in the same way as other electric motors (think vacuum cleaners). It involves a tightly wrapped coil of wire being fastened to an axle that is connected to the wheels. This coil is then placed inside a magnet and connected to the car’s battery, making it an electromagnet. To cut a long story short, the electric motors flips the direction of the electrons flowing down the wire. This in turn flips the electromagnetic field causing the coil to complete a full turn.

Dragonflies have the ability to appear stationary in mid-air even when they’re moving forward. Missile makers are trying to copy this to make missiles harder to dodge. Bonus revolting dragonfly fact: during intercourse the male mates with the back of the female’s head.

The Pentagon is working on a craft that can be both aircraft and submarine. A spokesman said: “We basically want to make a sea bird you can sit in and steer”.*

Illustration: Tobatron

3

The US Department of Homeland Security has put money into developing a mobile phone chip that is capable of detecting smells. The intention is for it to detect poisonous gases, but obviously it will mainly be used for settling who exactly ‘dealt it’.

September 2010

113


UpGRADe seX

SettING tHe SceNe

love when men touch their thighs very softly. At this point you can also gently massage the inner lips of the vagina, as you did with the outer lips.

The most important thing is making sure the room’s nice and warm. You want her to feel relaxed. put down some towels to absorb the massage oil, no one likes to make a sticky puddle. Use gentle lighting – candles or sidelights – as it’ll be more flattering for you and her. Ask her to shower first so she’s clean and her skin is warm.

tHe G-SPOt

You’ve already done enough to be excused taking the bins out for at least a month, but this final step will put your name in the history books as the man who knew what needed to be done and not a fumbling fool. Massage her clitoris, using a soft stroke. Then to

tHe feet

A relaxing way to start is with a foot massage. A good foot massage will instantly relax her and make her forget all her troubles. Work gently but firmly along the sole. You don’t need to spend long there, but even a few minutes will make a difference.

tHe leGS

Move up the legs in long, smooth strokes, using the full surface of your palm and keeping your fingers together. The purpose of sensual massage is to build excitement, so stroke over her buttocks. You could at this point stroke gently down between her legs and gently excite her with your fingers. It’s very important to always maintain a very gentle touch.

tHe BacK

Use the same long strokes up the length of her back and shoulders. A lot of women really like when you play with their ears or their neck. So you could blow gently onto her ears or neck. You could also use your tongue, but only a little bit. Don’t slobber all over her like a bulldog on a dropped ice cream – she will not like this.

tHe StOmacH

No matter what any woman says, she’s probably a little paranoid about her stomach. This is why women find it more safe and comforting to be massaged when they’re on their stomach. So it’s much better to start with her face down, but you can turn her over once she feels relaxed.

massage her G-spot, while she’s on her back, insert your middle finger into her yoni, using a sort of ‘come here’ gesture. Then you’re looking for a spot that’s quite spongy, just under the pubic bone and behind the clitoris. Reactions when you touch that spot can be quite different. She may even feel the urge to urinate or feel discomfort. But after a bit of gentle massage she should feel great pleasure. Bam! Game over. You are the king of everything.

tHe BreaStS

once she’s on her back, stroke the outside of her breasts in a long, lingering figure of eight. She may also enjoy it if you also blew gently across her nipples.

tHe yONI

That’s a posh tantric word for vagina. You should switch to a sexual lubricant rather than massage oil for this part. When she’s still lying on her tummy, move your hand down between her legs and stroke down to the labia. Stroke along the length of each outer lip, just gently holding it between your thumb and forefinger for a prolonged moment. That’s an extremely sensual experience. Next comes the point where you prove yourself an extraordinary fingersmith, like a sexual Rolf from The Muppets. When she’s on her back, touch her yoni with one hand, but simultaneously with the other hand stroke her legs and her thighs. Women

114

ThE rulEs use gentle strokes. rough does not equal pleasurable in massage. take your time and vary your strokes, occasionally just using fingertips. ask her what she’s enjoying. She might want more or less pressure, or for you to stop wheezing in her ear.

September 2010

always maintain contact. a good massage should feel seamless. If you’re replenishing your oil, keep one hand on her. Never use the term ‘happy finish’. Warm your hands!

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

top 3

with her. No pervy eye contact. No salacious jokes. Be warm, witty, emotional. Let your post-feminist female lead. If she does something more sensual you may mimic – but do it slightly less. You’ll know when it’s time to don the goat-mask, strip off your trousers and command.

sex toys For her 1. StONe lOve eGGS

These artsy-looking orbs are to help her exercise her pelvic floor (she should start with the big-gun and work down). No, that doesn’t sound especially seductive, but it will tighten her vaginal muscles and give her more powerful orgasms. Good news for everyone.

2. dOuBle PleaSure GlaSS dIldO It looks a bit off-putting – like a big transparent colon. But it’s often described as ‘the ultimate erotic tool’. You ‘play with temperature and warm/ cool it with water’ for a ‘silky smooth experience’. For the love of God, don’t smash it.

relationsHips

caN yOu really lauGH a WOmaN INtO Bed?

FHM WALKS THE LInE BETWEEn AMuSInGLy ‘CHARMInG’ AnD ‘JERK’ SO yOuR SEnSE OF HuMOuR DOESn’T GET In yOuR WAy Firstly, charming is not a skill, or an art. It’s not even a thing. In fact it’s believing it’s a thing which leads to ‘cheese’, ‘lechery’, ‘corniness’ and eventually ‘masturbation’. We do not live in America. Material possessions won’t help you. Looks provide only marginal benefits. You see the challenge, my five-knuckle friend? Now. Let us introduce the zen self-negating mystical metaphysical practice of humour. 1. what sort of jokes go over best with women? None. Sorry, guys – but

pretty much none. None in the traditional sense. Reading out a mildly racist/sexist quip from your mobile, for example, is definitely a bad idea. 2. one-liners? If you can tell them in a boyish, vulnerable way – aware that they’re silly, and laughing at yourself for using them... maybe. I use simile’s quite a lot. ‘My hair’s got more volume than a punjabi lady at a kitty party.’ It sounds so written and rehearsed, with an ironic wink to self, that you may get a lean-in of ‘you’re so silly, shall we get a drink’.

of course darling, we shall. 3. is it ever good to use a comedy chat up line? only if you’re the butt of the joke. Self-deprecation is the pheromone of mating. oiled-up muscly, Ferrari drivers are pretty much limited to one type of girl. But the postfeminist female, the gorgeous, sassy girl with a brain – she likes to know you know she knows what’s what. If that makes sense. She compliments your hair? Lightly, and quirkily, laugh and say you’ve got girls’ hair. She thinks

your job is impressive? oh god no – it’s so embarrassing – cue cute anecdote. on and on, all the way to you saying: ‘Let’s just cuddle naked, there’s no need to do anything more.’ 4. i’ve made her smile. How do i keep the momentum going? Don’t feel pressured to do more. Let it grow organically. Too much laughter and you’re zany mate, not paramour. 5. She seems to think i’m funny. How do i build to her wanting to sleep with me? By not wanting to sleep

6. is funny sexy? No. And that’s why it’s sexier than sexy. Sexy is abs and cash. Funny is vulnerable and interesting. Much more likely to attract posh, stimulating women, rather than Sandra from Bandra. 7. is there any comedy that’s guaranteed to turn her off? Rape humour. Never open with, “Wanna hear my rape joke?” She’s unlikely to leave a drink unattended after that. 8. comedy in bed: good thing or bad thing? An excellent thing. The more laughter leading up to things, the more social, ahem, lubricant. Especially if you want to make things a little kinkier. Ironise your requests by making it sound like you didn’t really mean it (if you are refused). But don’t take this too far. For example, don’t put on a clown nose and say, “Can I stick it in your bum?”

anyonE fancy a dragon? 3. vIBratOr

one that has a curved design to reach her G-spot, just behind the clitoris. It’s pink – y’know, for girls. Use while giving your lady oral sex for a ‘mind-blowing orgasm’.

There are specialist markets and there are specialist markets. Catering for that terrifying intersection between bestiality and World of Warcraft fetishism is the website Bad-Dragon.com. If you spent the Harry potter movies dreaming not of Emma Watson, but of a comely Norwegian Ridgeback, this is for you. For ` 5830 you can buy a fake dragon vagina (right) in ‘Natural Blue’ or ‘prissy pink’. Hot.

The dOlPhin

or maybe you’d like to surprise your lady friend with something a little more unusual in the way of dildos? Get her The Dolphin for a woman who likes her man smelling like the ocean

The xenOgOn

or perhaps the Xenogon? What’s a Xenogon? obviously, it’s a cross between a dragon and an alien. If this is what she’s after she’s probably not a keeper. RUN!


UpGRADe seX

coluMn

tHe cyBerSexPlOrer

CyBERSEXPLORInG IS TAKInG ITS TOLL . TIME FOR OnLInE PORn ADDICTIOn THERAPy BEFORE yOu GET HOOKED OnTO THE CRACK COCAInE OF THE nEXT MILLEnnIuM.

T

ime was, you knew when you were addicted to something. Need a Patiala peg before you can bring yourself to leave the house? Alcoholic. Slumped on a filthy mattress in a squat all day except for when you popped out to take a pizza delivery? Loser. But according to 21st century therapy culture, plenty of us could be addicted to porn and not really be aware of it. Stopping work to surf for porn means you’re ‘addicted’ to it. If you feel a bit guilty afterwards, or your girlfriend sneaks a look at your history and goes mental, you’ve definitely got a problem, and need to undergo some form of penance. Look at the roll call of celeb porn and sex addicts – David Duchovny, Stan Collymore, Craig Charles, Steve McFadden and, of course, Tiger Woods. All have had to crawl off to rehab for a spell under the public spotlight of shame. “Online porn addiction has been described as ‘the crack cocaine of the next millennium’,” says Jason McClean, a therapist who, in his own words, is the poster boy for internet porn addiction. Testifying before the US Senate in 2004, Mary Anne Laden of the University of Pennsylvania claimed porn was “the most concerning thing to psychological health that I know of today”. Psychiatrist Jerry Satinover added: “Unlike other addictions pornography really does biologically cause direct release of the most perfect addictive substance; the body’s naturally occurring opioids. It does what heroin can’t do.” Like extreme sports, you’re addicted not to a foreign substance but to natural feelings of excitement. There’s another way it’s not ‘addiction’ in the traditional sense: the body doesn’t end up needing porn to function normally. But porn addiction certainly fits into the expanded, modern definition of an ‘addiction’ – which is anything that gets in the way of your career, relationships or social life. (Some thinkers – like a Harvard professor

Harvey Mansfield – have pointed out that the definitions of ‘addiction’ and mental ill-health in times that we live ib have suddenly expanded to include anything that gets in the way of a corporate, family-focused, lifestyle but we digress). “I use the term ‘porn addict’ because it’s what people google to find me, but it’s not the ideal term for the condition,” says Jason McClean. So you don’t have to possess a huge stash arranged around several massive monitor screens, Camden Ripper-style, to be “addicted to porn”. Merely being unsettled by your relationship with pornography – thinking “I wish I hadn’t had such a massive wank that I missed Savita Bhabhi”– is enough to justify a ‘problem’. “Do you worry that your sexual thoughts and behaviours are more powerful than you are?” says the online quiz ‘Are you addicted to pornography?’ with the smug air of someone who knows the answer already. Well, I’m certainly neurotic about: the furtive adrenaline rush I get that accompanies the sound of a computer booting up; the fact I’m hardly growing out of it and looking for new material all the time, so

much so that I have doubled-back and re-discovered softcore lesbo; and that I can waste hours ransacking free sites for fresh porn. Presumably this is something to do with the vast wealth of porn available; never mind stumbling across some muddy mags in the woods, in the internet age you are never more than a few feet from the entire world’s combined stash. I do tend to get settled down into big sessions when I’m feeling down, but I don’t like to admit it to myself. As Helen Walsh, author of ‘explosive account of modern female sexuality’ Brass once told me, “When I’m feeling shit I don’t consciously think ‘Right, I’m going to a lap-dancing club to almost overdose on cocaine’, but that always seems to be the way it happens.” In psychology the cliché goes, “it’s not a problem unless it’s a problem,” says McClean. “Porn easily becomes a problem because it’s so associated with awkwardness and guilt. At the other end of the scale, it can provide succour and intimacy – often guys discovered it as part of maturity and becoming ‘cool’, so it’s like a very good old friend. On top of that, the act of masturbating, if you don’t mind me using psychobabble for a

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

moment, forms very strong behavioural pathways in the brain.” And it’s not just having a wank that could ruin your life. “Meeting other guys on hook-up sites is obviously a bit of a red light,” says McClean. “But it’s not just absorbing the stuff – a big part of addiction is anticipation. Guys leave their computers on all day downloading more porn, and if the cleaner turns it off, they scare themselves by how angry they get. Then they actually watch the full-length porn movie they’ve spent so long downloading and it’s just more of the same. On top of all this, the stereotype of a porn addict is so far away from how you like to picture yourself that you can’t help agreeing with the stigma, and hate yourself for it.” Medical research has actually concluded that pornography has no actual negative effects on the body or brain whatsoever, unlike violent films. But it’s what others think of the chronic porn fan and how he views himself that’s problematic. Society finds sex troubling, so an active interest is seen as unusual; whereas an obsession with, say, Cricket, that takes up all of your free time, most of your disposable income and certainly your conversational powers, is seen as relatively ‘normal’. Market-driven, the industry is second-guessing the jaded and demanding palettes of its avid consumer base and coming up with all sorts of compelling new reasons to get your own cock out. If there is one single glimmer of hope, it’s that, of late, porn addiction is no longer a male preserve. “Women tend to be more susceptible to what’s referred to as ‘love addiction’ – chat rooms, flirting and so on – but I have been contacted by plenty of women who’ve been masturbating all night to porn. It’s a myth that it’s just a guy thing.” If anything, apparently women get it worse – because they never have to stop wanking for a bit. Jason McClean can be contacted via porngameover.com


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


UpGRADe essentiAl skills

REMEMBER, THERE’S A PSyCHO InSIDE EVERy GIRL, IT’S JuST THE SMALL ISSuE OF CHAnnELLInG 1) It’s not a big deal (it is). It can happen to everyone (but it doesn’t). 2) You get a message in the middle of the night; asking to bring over a bottle of alcohol and a guitar. 7 and-a-half minutes later, another message arrives – “I’m sorry that message wasn’t for you”. How did she know unless she was trawling in her sent items. STATUToRY WARNING: Ignore both. As much as a simple ‘oK’ or ‘no worries’ will trigger a cloud burst. We don’t care if you think there is a late night booty call in it. put it away right now. 3) Remember there is a psycho inside every girl, no matter how normal she might look and feel; it’s just the small issue of channelling. 4) You can’t access your email. 5) Remember that other email you used to have? The one from school – the one before Gmail. The one that was your send ‘my password to this email’, email. You can’t access that either. And it’s not the bloody caps lock. 6) Your boss’ boss calls you into his frosted glass kingdom and wonders why you have resigned without notice. But more than that he wants to know why you can’t even spell your boss’ name correctly on it and sent it through your personal email ID (that college one that you were having trouble accessing). 7) Your friends keep calling to congratulate you on your impending marriage. Her messages resemble the commonwealth mass-mailers…23 days to go. Did someone forget to tell you? 8) She flings a whiskey glass at your shoulder, and then later swings a steering lock at the same shoulder (those ugly metal things that look like a dildo on growth hormone) in the underground parking lot of a hotel. This is the worst one – she’s targeting the same shoulder. The calculative psycho. 9) Every time you walk, you can smell pee and you are wearing clean underwear. You realise what a public rest room feels like when pedestrians cross the road to not walk past it. You good sir, have been peed around well and good. Even people you can’t tell from a black hole know you are dating her! 10) You break up and she writes an email to your boss threatening to blow the lid off a sex scandal about you, your boss and a girl who is now your closest friend. The funny part – you work in a newspaper office. 11) You hang up. She sends you 75 SMSes with the same message. And, she’s not even on a bulk SMS plan. She then calls you on the office phone, on the other office phone and then on the phone of the same girl whose sex scandal she was threatening to blow the lid off. 12) You are at an industry event – she disappears one day and arrives the next with her hand bandaged saying her mother beat her; and somehow it’s your fault. 13) You breakup and she develops mysterious illnesses (like a hole in the heart); stuff she just ‘accidentally’ happens to say in the vicinity of your good friends. 14) She insists on talking about her feelings on Facebook. 15) Sends you a message one night saying she’s going to get your name tattooed on palm. 16) She calls you after – threatens to kill herself over ISD. ‘She drank a bottle of phenyl’, she says, ‘can’t talk’. You ask a friend to call her. He does and she is sitting there chirpy as tweety eating a pizza. 17) Warning: Most psychotic women are very passionate and considered to be very good in bed. So be vary if the sex is very good and start thinking with your head – the one that your eyes are embedded in.

118

September 2010

M A n F A C T an aVerage man will daTe aT leaST one pSYcho woman in hiS lifeTime.

But, its not all Bad Don’t even try getting over a psycho woman – you’re probably going to take the experience to your grave. The good thing is you don’t have to put on the whole façade of being friends or even being civil after a breakup. It always makes for good conversation, it’s a bonus if you are a filmmaker ask Mahesh Bhatt. He made a movie on praveen Babi (though shalt not speak ill of the dead). p.S They are psycho men too, we just don’t want to venture into Cosmo territory.

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Kabeer Sharma

HOW tO SPOt a PSycHO


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all U p G R A D e e Xc e p t i o n s

tHe Guy uNder tHe BONNet

M A n F A C T don’T liSTen To BarneY STinSon, he doeSn’T eVen know how To driVe a car.

TRuE, THERE ARE MEn FOR WHOM CAR MAInTEnAnCE EnDS WITH DRIVInG IT InTO A GARAGE, CRIBBInG AnD PAyInG THE BILL. THIS OnE IS FOR THE OTHER KInD.

fhmindia.com

Men’s rules 1)

2)

When he needed money, when his kids needed doctors (mother’s rather expansive network came to help) Radhey was the guy. And to his credit he didn’t disappoint. He gave advice when fan belts broke on the mountain side, he came to rescue when on-road assistance showed no signs of appearing. Remember; A man who knows about cars might be hot; but the man who can actually get a car fixed is the one to hang on to. And Radhey and those like him come damn handy in that. Anyway, all was well, when one day the family 800 came back with re-used, spurious engine oil. There was also the matter of the Mahindra Scorpio that he almost made us buy without knowing that it was not a Common Rail Diesel Engine but a turbo one but damage had probably already been done. From then on it was exactly like a break-up. On the re-bound, we moved to the next mechanic –

Sajjan – with a workshop sharing a wall with Radhey kind of like dating a girl’s best friend. Radhey saw cars being driven in for repairs and avoided eye contact. Like an ex gf returns presents, the money he’s borrowed was returned through someone (his brother). The tension was so thick you needed a knife. So how is it complex? Well, the way it works usually, you’d want to take more people to a pub you like, or share the number of a good tailor, et al. But, it’s different in the case of a mechanic. Referring him to friends and family may be the best compliment...but we don’t live in an ideal world. What if friends and family annoy him? What if they keep asking him how much every little screw and nut cost? Or just ask too many questions? We’d all rather keep The Mech a secret - admit it. Now, Sajjan and we’ve been together for two years, thanks for asking. And no we’re still not giving you his phone number. Nice try.

3)

4)

5)

6)

All men under all conditions should know how to drive an automobile All men should always know where they are going. Even if they don’t you will never know. Never trust a man who doesn’t have a sense of direction (on the road; in life is quirky). It’s an unfair stereotype that men don’t ask for directions. We do, but only after we’ve been down the same street five times. All men should know how to change a car tyre. Those who don’t should be publicly flogged (parents are exempted) No man should bang car doors. Those who do too should be publicly flogged. If a man abuses when someone cuts him off while driving – it’s not bad behaviour, it’s meant to be cute.

August 2010

Words: Kabeer Sharma

You’d have trouble finding people who admit they are possessive in relationships. But not us, at FHM. We are utterly and completely and totally possessive about our car mechanic. And despite a miserable track record with women (turn to page-it might give you a clue) it’s the mechanic that we bafflingly stay more possessive of. We men are complex creatures that way. What brought on this rant? For one is a relationship so complex that even the Barney Stinson-scribbled fictitious Bro-code (it describes every conceivable scenario for a man – from threesomes to dating a friend’s ex) keeps mum on it. But then what would he know; he doesn’t even know how to drive, if what ‘The Bro Code’ scribbles on its Facebook page is to be believed. The mechanic is one of the more important relationships in the world for the man, even for the non gearheads. Don’t go smelling a sexual undertone in that – you’re just proving the women correct. You know how it is like when you buy your first car, you’re driving on a round-about when some prick on his Pulsar goes into your left door? Worried about the consequences at home you pull into the mechanic market. Lost, clueless (pig in the big city kinds) when you meet someone who promises to take that dent out for 50 bucks, it’s a match made in heaven. You meet him again for a little tuning here, a little servicing there and one thing leads to another – you fall head over heels. Radhey was the trusted mechanic for eight years. We stuck by Radhey, even when the workshop shut down and he started out on his own.

119


U p G R A D e h ow t o

M A n F A C T Bp SpenT 50 million dollarS on adVerTiSing To conVince america ThaT all “will Be well” in The gulf of meXico.

**##&@$!!

worst oil spills oF all tiMe 1. Gulf War, Kuwait, 1991 - 520 million gallons of oil was spilled into the persian Gulf during the gulf war by both the Iraqis as well as the Americans. 2. Deepwater Horizon, Gulf of Mexico, 2010 - 172 million gallons. A deepwater oil well leaked for 100 days as all efforts to plug the leak failed. 3. Ixtoc I, Mexico, 1979 - 138 million gallons of oil leaked into the sea thanks to a faulty off-shore oil well. The leak took a year to be plugged completely. 4. Trinidad and Tobago, 1979 - 90 million gallons. The Atlantic Empress, a supertanker carrying millions of dollars of crude oil collided with another ship in a tropical storm.

...cleaN uP aN OIl SPIll 1)

Do not. We repeat DO NOT organize a candle light vigil. It might be the new ‘It’ way to protest but a naked flame near crude? Really, even you are not that dumb. 2) Crude oil does burn. We checked. It’s difficult, but it does burn and no you can’t just burn off the crude oil floating on the surface of the ocean to save the mangroves. It will generate roughly 9.4 kilograms of CO2 per gallon. But then it’s the monsoons in Mumbai, so who’s going to notice the black clouds of SOX, NOX, VOCs, N2O and mercury? 3) Admit there’s a problem. Jairam Ramesh sure as well won’t. We’ll meet a girl, get married and have kids in the time it’ll take him to react. 4) Call Kevin Costner. Make as much fun of Waterworld as you want, but Costner’s grand-momma of all centrifuges had the folks at British Petroleum quite “excited”. Costner’s machine which is designed to

120

5)

6) 7) 8)

separate water from oil has taken more than 15 years and $20 million to perfect. During testing, the machine left water 99 percent clean of crude. Costner says if 20 of his babies were used at the Exxon Valdez spill, 90 per cent of the oil would have been cleaned up in a week Call James Cameron. He owns one of the world’s largest fleet of deep-sea diving submersibles and his expertise in underwater shooting is well documented, thanks to The Abyss and Titanic. Just hear the man out – he made Terminator for god’s sake. Its gotta count for something. Stop waiting for pictures of flamingos and egrets covered in oil to make their way into the newspapers. Get the TV reporters out of the sea – the poor sea creatures have enough on their plate. Repeat after us: Chemical dispersants are not magic. They will not miraculously

make the whole problem go away overnight. 9) Introduce a compulsory drivers’ training class for all personnel who operate sea vessels. If the driver training course can keep the Blue-line bus drivers in Delhi it’s worth a shot, it’ll at least keep these guys bumping into each other. The Mumbai slick happened when the MSC Chitra collided with a Panamanian ship. A couple of weeks ago two submarines of the Indian navy bumped into each other while pulling into port. 10) Make glasses compulsory for all ship captains. The captain of the Chitra says the collision happened because of a navigational error caused by the failure of radio communication. Incidentally, that’s exactly what the blue-line bus guys say when they crush autorickshaws – it was clearly the other Cappy’s fault, he should have honked.

September 2010

fhmindia.com

True PDF release: storemags & fantamag

Words: Kabeer Sharma

AnD nO, CAnDLE-LIGHT VIGILS AnD JAIRAM RAMESH WILL nOT HELP


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all

FInAL COunTDOWn

tHINGS tHat 18 SHOuld Be eaSy…

Paying your 18 girlfriend a compliment

You look really nice in that… “What do you mean by that?” You know, nice. “Nice?” Yeah, like, pretty… “I don’t want to be ‘pretty’, you should think I’m sexy.” I do. You do look sexy! “So you’re saying I’m cheap?”

17

basic maths

You got a more than respectable B in maths CBSE, yet since you’ve less need to worry about and ‘early finish’ to intimacy these days, you now have no use for times tables. Which means even splitting the bill at Mocha proves harder than quantum string theory.

16

A smooth entrance to a swimming pool Just point your arms, feet together, spring forward with the knees and enter with… all the elegance of that Michael Phelps guy.

Phil ‘The Power’ Taylor on a wet bouncy castle.

staying awake 15 past midnight

It’s pointless. Nothing brilliant happens after midnight. If you’re out, someone will be sick, a girl will cry and you might think it’s a good idea to dance. If you’re at home, the only thing on are pointless Kung Fu flicks. Who cares if nobody invites you out anymore when you can fall asleep on the sofa with the new Amitav Ghosh stuck to your face.

14

buying jeans

You’re not a lady. You’re not worried about anything accentuating your fat bum. You’re a man, this will be easy. And it is easy, as long as you’re only after something you can’t pull past your calves or that makes you look like aGym instructor from the ’70s who was later found guilty of interfering with kids.

speaking 13Public

Around your friends you’re a great conversationalist. Faced with a group of strangers, like the half-cut

room you’re telling your ‘year in the making’ best man’s speech to, it’s a different story. The penny drops that it’s not going well when you find yourself having an out of body experience and find yourself eerily resembling the cat’s chew toy.

11

keeping plants alive

All they need is water and sunlight. That’s what biology and logic say. So why does the basil have leprosy? What’s the deal with the house plant looking like a fish skeleton? And why the hell has that amazing ornamental tree in the garden started to smell like spunk?

10

Ironing a shirt

You think it’s finished, then you hold it up to reveal more creases than an 80 year old’s face. The arms are always the hardest; ironing one side makes the other even worse. Then you burn yourself. Then you cry.

12shaVinG your own head

Illustration: Robbie’s Brown shoes.

Plug the clippers in, grade two, attack from the front, accidentally carve a swastika in the back, leave tufts behind your ears, slash your bald patch wide open and you’re out on the town looking like Charles Manson after he’s been dismembered and stitched back together by a blind child. fhmindia.com

9CalminG an anGry Cat

you’ve opened a tin of the pricey cat food, spent 15 minutes working the ‘sweet spot’ behind the ears, and only now is the little shit starting to look at you with any amount of affection. And that’s when the attack comes, not from the front, but from the side, from the other two cats you didn’t even know were there… who also want a cuddle. Then your tears steam the shirt. If you’re lucky then your mum takes over.

8

Making sandwiches that taste like the ones in the deli

Sandwich maker: “Dude, it’s easy. Bread, mayo, salami, lettuce, tomato. Bam! Just like That.” Sandwich eater: “Tastes weird. Flavourless.” Maker: “Any suggestions?” Eater: “Here, use this. Sodium nitrate.” Maker: “What does it do?” Eater: “Makes stuff taste like seawater filtered through a cat litter tray.” Maker: “Delicious.”

7 Penetrating a woman smoothly

motionlessly, judging you, losing interest by the second, before… Bam! She’s whipped it off and has effortlessly slipped into a shapeless T-shirt/ trackie combo and is calling you a taxi.

a punch 5 Throwing

Raising your arms and saying the immortal words: “Come on then” was a mistake. Landing the first punch was good; unfortunately it was the sort of limp slap someone would expect from an affronted aristocrat’s glove. Oh well, best cover your face and hope the plastic surgeons don’t leave you looking like you’ve been attacked by a chimp.

6

a girlfriend 3Finding

Three billion women on the planet and you can’t bag one. Hmm, it’s almost undoubtedly your standards. Or the fact that you still consider lifting the covers for a crafty guff as being chivalrous.

in photos 2 smiling

They wanted a warm grin for the family album, but no matter what you try – laughing, pulling faces or even staring blankly – it always comes across as an unsettlingly pervy leer. A constipated dope-head will make a better pic.

pack furniture 4 Flat

It has instructions, after all. Step-by-step guidelines so simple a smashed crab should be able to build it. Look – there’s the big 1. And the bi… blow me, this is boring. I mean, how undoing many sides can a piece of a bra The longer this takes, the wood have? (Fast-forward harder it gets. Plus, if you 30 sweating, swearing, glue-spilling, minutes) “A started with one hand, bringing in the other shows bookcase?! No darling, it’s an angled, timber, room you’re struggling. Worse divider with holes for still, she’ll just lay there Without having to feed it in like a magician pushing silk scarves into a clenched fist.

extra aero-dynamicity.”

1Pull-ups

Will the determination not to be beaten get overruled by a desire not to be found curled up on the floor with soiled pants and two dislocated shoulders? Only time and the tensile strength of the door frame will tell. September 2010

121


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


storemags & fantamag - magazines for all


True PDF release: storemags & fantamag


FHM