Round One: The Golden Oldies. Featuring Sean Connery; George Lazenby, & Roger Moore Sean Connery is going to have to go I’m afraid. It’s the accent. It’s nothing personal, I just don’t want to be having sex with a guy who voiced the dragon in DragonHeart – I know Game of Thrones made the whole dragon thing sexy, but this really isn’t the same scenario. Not to mention that I want to burn his really bad hair piece. Imagine it, you’re going at it like a couple of dogs, then all of a sudden, a brown rat lands on your back and begins to tickle you mercilessly – oh wait, it’s Bond’s toupee. Mood killer much? Yes, the answer is yes in case you were wondering. Plus let’s face it – if the British government really hired a Scotsman to be a spy, he’d get a lot more flack and bullying in the work place. Us English are a cruel race. And although I’m all for a good romp in the hay with a man, Sean Connery was the sort of Bond to bring in five other women. Needless to say, Louise Stone doesn’t share very well. As for the bang, I picked George Lazenby. This is a name that many won’t recognise, and I don’t expect you to. Lazenby is known for starring in only one Bond film – On Her Majesty’s Secret Service (1969). Stop giggling at the 69 – stop that right now. And with this one film in mind, you have to understand that Lazenby didn’t really get the chance to develop his character. But for his one film, we did see a Bond who arguably had some genuinely witty one-liners; actually relied upon his intelligence rather than
just brawn and was a little more ‘woman-friendly’ than Sean Connery. Plus, let’s face it; the guy killed a man in a snow plough. I mean, that strikes me as situational-creativity – combine that with his athleticism (his epic ski scene) and his intelligence and I think we’re in for a good time. We’re going to the chapel and we’re gonna get married – and by we, I mean Roger Moore and I. I know what a lot of Bond fans are thinking – Moore was terrible, cheesy, and just not that great. Don’t talk that way about my future husband! Seriously, the guy has a licence to kill – he’s gonna fuck you up if he hears you talking smack about him. Why is Roger Moore’s James Bond an ideal husband? Believe it or not, cheesy one liners are okay with me – and if I’m going to be married to the man for the rest of my life, I’m going to need a good giggle now and again. Physically, he is arguably more handsome than Sean Connery’s Bond and more suave than the previous two Bonds. And out of the three Bonds so far, Moore’s Bond gets to face off against my favourite evil henchmen and sidekicks – and by my favourite I mean the cheesiest. We’re talking Nick Nack, Chang, May-Day, and – my all-time favourite Bond villain – Jaws. If my husband’s enemies are trying to kill me, I’d rather have these horrible henchmen trying to end my life than someone actually threatening.
Round Two: The New Dudes. Featuring Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, & Daniel Craig This is one of the easiest decisions I have ever made – kill Craig, kill him dammit. My decision has nothing to do with me disliking change and new things – if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it – and is actually based on my dislike for Craig’s portrayal as Bond. The latest James Bond is dark, moody, cold and a huge tosser (I know, we sound perfect for one-another). But that’s not what I personally want in a Bond. I think Bond is meant to be tongue and cheek, cheesy and a bit too unbelievable. I couldn’t marry Craig because he’d just be so bloody depressing – and I’m not putting up with him moping around the house, complaining that he is fit for duty despite what the government says. And can you imagining banging him? It would be quick, short, and over and done with before you could say ‘let’s turn off the lights’. Then he’d get up and leave to go sulk in the corner. Super sexy. Plus, the biggest drawback to Craig’s Bond, pretty much every woman he likes, touches, or looks at dies. My survival instincts say to stay away from Craig’s Bond – far, far away. Another unfamiliar Bond name for some, Timothy Dalton starred in only two Bond films; The Living Daylights (1987) and Licence to Kill (1989). While still a darker Bond than previous actors, Dalton was still not as dark and brooding as Craig is today, and this is why I would tap that. What stands out about Dalton’s portrayal is that it differed considerably from those of previous actors – this Bond was hard-hitting, gritty, and such a bad boy.
These are all the good qualities that a woman wants the bedroom – just not on a long term basis. Not to mention that Dalton’s Bond relies less upon gadgets than his predecessors, with Dalton employing a more ‘hands-on’ approach – it’s good to know that if the batteries die, my night won’t be ruined. This of course leaves Pierce Brosnan as my (un)lucky groom. I’m not going to lie here, I’m biased towards Brosnan’s Bond because I grew up with this Bond specifically – and it’s hard not to get nostalgic. Besides my personal preference, there are good reasons to marry Brosnan’s Bond. He returns us to the tongue and cheek we are familiar with – and familiarity and stability are arguably good things for marriage. At the same time, this Bond can do what has to be done – he is decisive and some would say cold-blooded in his killings, but the job has to be done. And sometimes a married man has to do things he doesn’t want to – this Bond doesn’t strike me as the kind to wimp out on cleaning the toilet. Not to mention that this Bond has an invisible car – say goodbye to parking fees and speeding tickets; and say hello to sexy-times in inappropriate places (not that we need the car for that). And – although not related to the actor’s portrayal – Golden Eye is one of the best Nintendo 64 games ever. That game alone is worthy of a marriage. 15