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Everything Is Hilarious... Everyone Will Laugh... And Nothing Is Sacred.





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THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -2-

Contents 4.

From the Editors


Meet the Editors


Letters to the Editor

7. 8. 11. 12. 18.

While You Were Away

20. 22. 24. 26. 28.

Gangster v Gangsta

Scoop of the Week Hunter S Thompson in Adelaide? Introducing the AULSS 2012 Crouching Tiger, Jade Fountain

Ligertwood Folk A Summer with Jessup First Day at the Law School TV Guide

Editors: Lily Black, Patrick McCaffrie, Will Maitland and James Stewart Contributors: Carlisle White, Tom Macura and Ken Menz Publisher: Rainbow Press This publication does not represent the views of the University of Adelaide Law School. This publication is not endorsed by the University of Adelaide Law School or the University of Adelaide generally. This is a satirical publication and it is the sole production of the University of Adelaide’s Law Students’ Society.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -3-

FROM THE EDITORS Welcome to the return of the Hilarian for 2012. In this L.A.(W.) Confidential themed edition we invite you to share the deliciously depraved and scandalously secret aspects of the Law School and beyond. That’s right - you can’t spell unlawful without law and so we at the Hilarian have decided to provide you all with a brief glimpse at the dark underbelly of our beloved university that is Ligertwood and her people. We delve into the horrors of that first day within our hallowed walls, discuss the cultural benefits of an Asiatic clerkship and completely overlook the political carbuncle that is the Australian parliament. Keep an eye out as we cook up a list of the best television viewing for 2012, splash gossip like a galleon of Black and Gold vegetable oil in a dirty frying pan and then drizzle with a fine sauce of gangster madness. We’ll hear from a selection of the newly elected LSS to see what exciting things they have in store for us. Or, you know, important resume building self-inflated ideals. Whatever. Sadly, in a desperate bid to hold onto some vestige of influence within the Law School, Patrick and Lily continue as editors from 2011. Nonetheless, we are most excited to welcome James and Will to the editorial table. May we thrive on their fresh blood. Lily, Patrick, Will and James.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -4-


Lily Black

James Stewart

Patrick McCaffrie

An orphan, raised in the Outer-Hebrides by a blind cowherd and his callipygian wife, Will Maitland shared a great affinity with Highland cattle and learnt gaelic and kung fu from a very young age. This combination stood him in good stead when, in his early twenties, Will very rapidly rose to the head of the Scottish Underworld or Gràisg, basing his operations in a disused tinned herring factory on the outskirts of Aberdeen. As the ‘athair-baistidh’ or godfather of the organisation, Will became greatly popular with the street urchins of mid-Lothian for whom he provided food, financial support and the occasional woman. Will’s proudest achievement to date is having won the Cowal Highland Gathering river dance competition for three consecutive years.

Lily Black, or “Smutty” as we like to call her in the office, grew up in Featherton, Wisconsin. After winning a drama prize in year 12, Lily bought a one-way ticket to New York to pursue a career in acting. Unfortunately for Lily, she bore an uncanny resemblance to a certain indie actress (considerably older than her and with a much bigger nose, mind you) and failed to score an audition. She gave up on her dream and moved to Chicago where she became a high-class, celebrity-look-alike prostitute. Alongside contributing to this publication, Lily also provides tip-offs to police from some of her criminal clients. Lily enjoys tortured relationships, Lana Del Ray’s new album and cocaine.

James Stewart was raised on the mean streets of Tusmore, and as with many others from this ‘hood he attended the school of hard knocks. After witnessing countless white-collar crimes he took his rage to L.A., where, in his delusion, he believed the heart of this criminality lay. After realising that he would instead need to deal with drug dealers and wife beaters, he took a lot of ‘roids, wrote some deep poetry that the BAFTA’s would refuse to air, and got mean. He has a penchant for beating up guys that beat up women, a penchant for throwing phones at hotel staff, a love of damaged women who like coke and look like celebrities, and the South Sydney Rabbitohs. James contributes to the Hilarian in the hope that it will help his poetry career to take off. After 17 rejected attempts, Patrick McCaffrie’s application to join a respected crime syndicate was finally accepted after a senior club member, believing he was approving a motion for more whiskey in the coffee room, mistakenly seconded his application. Having spent 12-and-a-half years being breast-fed (a world record) Patrick ‘The Lactator’ McCaffrie enjoys his role operating and organising the club kitchen. His time in office has not been free from controversy. A move towards fat-free milk, decaf coffee and ‘sugar-free’ sweeteners has proved immensely unpopular with members who variously describe him as ‘a poof’ or ‘fag-chops’ and despair that equal opportunity legislation prevents them from revoking his membership. For his part, Patrick enjoys the sense of self- worth he derives from the position and pays tribute to his late-father, James. THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -5-


Dear Jess,

I am a first year law student and I have just completed all of the additional readings for Foundations of Law (obviously I’ve done the required readings) and am wondering whether there is anything else I can do to prepare for my first lecture and tutorial?

Thanks for your correspondence. Unfortunately, given the unbearable disdain with which you treat your intended audience, I suspect you meant to address this letter to On Dit. Eds.

Jemima – Law Dear Hilarian, Dear Jemima, Given the amount of reading you have done we recommend that you muzzle yourself, wear a bullet-proof vest and have someone try all of your meals before you to ensure they aren’t poisoned. Eds. Dear Hilarian, I write in response to your recent article on the impact of feminism on the SouthSudan conflict. I disagree with your correspondent’s analysis and instead proffer that religious & cultural factors are a greater influence on the current political impasse. I would point you to the article by H. M. Mayala on the role of civil disobedience in Sudan and argue that the most viable solution is one which acknowledges the impact of punk, counter-culture and outsideridentity on the development of a nationstate. Jess – Law/Arts

I have spent my summer holidays clerking at a number of high-profile lawfirms who all said I was fantastic. I really valued the bridges that I built and feel like I have put myself at an advantage compared to other law students. It was also great to meet a number of prominent barristers and judges on a personal level. It made me confident that I can one-day work 10 hours a day on discovery at a national law-firm. Thanks. Emily – School Captain, TER of 99.95 & winner of 3 competitions prizes. Dear Emily, Everybody hates you. Eds.

Something you’d like to get off your chest? Feel like telling the world of your problems? Email us at and we’ll do our utmost to ensure your message never makes its way through our spam filter.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -6-

Undoubtedly most of you enjoyed the luxury of spending your summer wilfully distancing yourself from any goings on which may affect your life. After all, summer is hot and that makes it difficult to concentrate. It’s over summer that people enjoy unplugging from the world and ignoring this planet’s ‘goingson’ for a few weeks.

While You Were Away...

Luckily we boozehounds, sorry newshounds, at The Hilarian, moments before leaving to do exactly the same, chained our young intern, Craig, to a table. We gave him a laptop and a sack of potatoes and told him to prepare a summary of the stories we planned on missing over summer. So here it is, a collection of the big news stories that we all missed over the holidays1: Captain Morgan’s Rum was forced to change its name after a maritime disciplinary hearing stripped the Captain of his title. The disciplinary hearing was called after (now) Mr. Morgan was found to have been drinking on the job. Mr. Morgan’s Rum is now available for a much lower price in all bottle-shops. Since his demotion, Cap’n Morgan has found new ways to keep occupied. Disabled golfers finally got the word ‘handicap’ removed from the game. Disabled golfers will now play off a ‘physical impediment’.

After a protest staged by LGBT groups, tennis authorities agreed to the formation of a “mixed singles” competition to be run alongside official grand slam tournaments. The endangered species list was altered to remove from the list any animals deemed “too dickish”. This was bad news for the Acadian Whitefish, the Idaho Ground Squirrel & the White-browed Jungle-flycatcher. Kim Jong-Il revealed to the world that he was not in fact dead at all & had been alive the whole time but had merely faked his own death so that he could enjoy some peace & quiet. His eHarmony profile reveals he enjoys Bruce Springsteen, romantic comedies and nuclear armament stand-offs. In an attempt to force changes to the 2012 curriculum, a group of law students staged an ‘Occupy the Law School’ protest. Dean of the Law School John Williams expressed surprise that anyone would care about the 2012 curriculum and pleasure at the increased student numbers in the Law School.

After a succesful dance career, Thailand’s The protest group ‘Citizens for Gaza’ held a minutes silence to remember Win Saem Yun is considering taking up the victims of the conflict between Israel and Palestine. Unfortunately a mixed-singles tennis.

group of Israeli students chose to protest the event and so the minute of silence in fact became a minute of the Fiddler on the Roof soundtrack and amateur boxing. 1

Thanks Craig. The editors would like to wish you a speedy recovery! We also acknowledge that yours was a case of false imprisonment and urge you to accept the settlement offer we have proposed.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -7-


The Adelaide Law School Community is in a state of misapprehension as, just 3 hours into the semester, a first-year student has been seen reading the recommended text required for week one of class. In a shock bid to overcome the general panicked state of disorganisation so frequently prevalent during the first few weeks of law school, Jemima Simpson allegedly took the bull by the horns and was to be seen leafing through the recommended ‘Foundations of Law’ readings before her first lecture. In a moment some have described as “brave but foolhardy”, Ms Simpson Super keen: Jemima suffers from chronic defied over 12 years of Ligertwood tradition with her overly-ambitious overenthusiasm. approach to the methodology of Law School learning. Not since the presence of the fabled - and some would say deranged - Dennis Lim, has such behaviour been seen in the halls of Adelaide University’s most celebrated pebble-clad building. One student was quoted as saying; “[Jemima] really is doing us no favours. She has set the bar impossibly high and in one fell swoop has led lecturers to believe that the amount of weekly readings is legitimately manageable”. When contacted, Ms Simpson declined to comment, stating that she was too busily involved in applications for her first clerkship; however, she did stop just long enough to ask us whether first years could be LSS president. Whether or not Ms Simpson’s moment of daring is simply an over-exuberance of first-year nerves remains to be seen. Remember, dear readers, you heard it here first. Off the record. On the QT. And very HUSH HUSH.


Patrick McCaffrie

The Adelaide Law School Library is shrouded in controversy after rumours that three editions of the Spanish Law Reports have mysteriously gone missing. The volumes in question range from 1971-1989. Several law librarians have been questioned about the mysterious disappearance of these volumes but satisfactory answers are yet to emerge. An investigation by The Hilarian has uncovered murky dealings between law librarians and a law professor from a sister-university in Madrid. When told of the reports, one law student, who agreed to speak to The Hilarian on condition of anonymity, said “Which reports?” and “Does our library even need them?”, another responded: “Where’s the Law Library?” The Hilarian has reason to believe that and “What’s Spain?” Juan Carlos I may be behind the theft.

Watch these pages for further updates. THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -8-

Scoop of the Week!


A Torts seminar was thrown into disarray when mature-age student Eleanor Dunderniss asked a question that was relevant to the subject matter of the seminar and not a 20 minute rambling treatise on her time working at Centrelink. Ms Dunderniss, a 63 year-old mother of three boys reportedly has been studying for law the past six years after her divorce proceedings against her ex-husband. The incident occured in the Piper Alderman Room when tutor Martin Handle asked several questions in an attempt to involve students in the seminar. After being confronted with a deafening silence, Mr Handle reportedly stared around, willing someone to answer his question so that he could continue with the seminar. “It was really sad,” seminar attendee Sarah Moon reported. “It was obvious he just wanted someone to say something, but everyone was so confused; I certainly wasn’t going to put my hand up. Then I noticed that the mature-ager had her hand up and I was just like, here we go.” Fellow students have reported that an audible groan filled the room as those within prepared themselves for a long-winded tirade that involved how Ms Dunderniss knew law better than them because of her ‘life experience’ in the Sudan, before segueing into a protracted and deeply personal discussion of her divorce proceedings - all of which would culminate in a discussion as to why her son wouldn’t eat the ham in his sandwich. “I mean, you could actually see that the seminar leader was trying to avoid looking at her so he didn’t have to answer her question” added Ms Moon. To the astonishment of the students in attendance, Ms Dudnerniss instead asked Ms Dunderniss is very pleased with herself. whether the problem question in week 7 was compulsory or not and whether the mark was redeemable. Mr Handle was reportedly so astounded that a sensible non-rambling question had been asked that he was unable to answer the question and had to leave the room for ten minutes to recover. When asked to comment on her out-of-character question, Ms Dunderniss began rambling about Court proceedings against a woman who spilt coffee on her at the hairdresser. The point of the story was never made evident as this reporter became distracted by the piece of egg sandwich affixed to her horn-rimmed glasses.


Patrick McCaffrie




Briefs Cafe: Closed until hygeine standards improve or Social Services lose interest.

Briefs Café is currently the subject of an investigation after an unnamed student suffered food-poisoning upon consuming a banana muffin and a skim-milk cappuccino. The student was reportedly hospitalised in late February and has been unable to attend any of her classes since the incident.The student tells The Hilarian that “the illness has really made it impossible to get to Uni. That and, you know uni’s a bit far away for me and I find the first few weeks are a bit of a write-off anyway you know?” The Law School is now investigating Briefs after confessing to being unaware that any human had ever ordered food or beverages from the café. THE HILARIAN 01/2012 -9-


Vincenzo Focarelli narrowly escaped the 196th attack on his life today after being shot at with 17 grenade launchers while recovering from gun-shot wounds in Royal Adelaide Hospital. Focarelli has lost his face, diamond earrings and 18 family members in the attack. An unnamed Hell’s Angels representative was overheard saying “will this bitch ever die?” Actually, not really. This was just an attempt to get your attention. What we really want is for you to contribute to The Hilarian. Send ready-to-print articles to to appear in future editions. THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 10 -

Hunter S Thompson... In Adelaide? James Stewart

Pre his ashes being fired from a cannon into the atmosphere, Hunter S Thompson had been a pioneer of gonzo journalism. His unique style had been forged from staying at the cutting edge of counter-culture, and not shying away from risqué topics. His first book Hell’s Angels propelled him into the spotlight, making him an authority on one of the most feared motorcycle gangs in the world. What is not widely known is that before he went to California and lived with the Angels there, his inspiration had come from a short holiday staying with another gang, in another bikie safe haven – Adelaide. Posthumously these early notes have been found and are soon to be published. Following the acclaim of the Rum Diaries it is likely these too will be made into a film, which is also likely to receive limited release everywhere. The good news is that the Hilarian has got exclusive excerpts we can share with you:

“…met up with the whole gang today, including me there’s now four of us, possibly the biggest gang in all of SA. Later there’s talk of doing a Hindley St cruise, this seems to be how they spend their time” “…it’s 11:20pm, we had to wait for Baz’s mum to fall asleep before we could head out, but now it’s getting crazy. Baz stole some of his mom’s cigarettes, this might seem tame for an outlaw motorcycle gang in their mid 30’s, but these smokes are unfiltered!!!” “…HUGE FIGHT! The headlines will be heaving with this for days to come. We met up with a rival gang who were also on a Maccas run today. Shit got crazy when we order the last soft-serve, it was an all out brawl between the 7 of us. Fries, coke and ice cream flew in all directions. It was like a bad trip, but in 3D. Davo’s mum picked us up, the gang grimaced through the betadine, but made it to the other side”

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 11 -

The Hilarian Welcomes a New AULSS 2012 Executive President:

Sophie Waples (

Vice-President: (Administration)

Charlotte Thomas (

Vice-President: (Education)

Molly Snaith (

Vice-President: (Careers & Sponsorship)

Tom Ootes (

Activities Director:

Annabelle Reeve (

Competitions Director:

Michael Tsiavlis (

Social Justice Director:

Benjamin Cosentino (

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2012 Committee Robert Canizzaro, Edward Gainer, Kate Healy (

Activities Representatives:

Katie Aust, Careers and Sponsorship Representatives: Carlisle White, James Stewart ( Competitions Co-Ordinators:

Education Representative:

Caitlin Hartvigsen-Power, Hannah Martin, Sam de Cure ( Sam Christie (

I.T. Officer:

Mature Age Representative:

Social Justice Officers:

Hilarian Editors:

Taylor Rundell ( Sally Dipell ( Delia Obst, Rebecca Cox ( Patrick McCaffrie, Lily Black, Will Maitland and James Stewart (

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President’s Report: Sophie Waples So here we are for Semester 1 of 2012. As per usual, the AULSS has been hard at work organising the things law students know and love, plus more. First up we welcomed First Years through the Orientation Week Induction Day with delicious cupcakes, lollies and riveting pamphlets about what the AULSS can do for you. Seminars on ‘doing law’ and First Year Drinks at the Oxford followed. Next up, the annual AULSS Careers Fair on Wednesday the 21st of March. This is sure to attract many Law Students in search of stationery (and prospective employers) to Bonython Hall. Our Careers Guide will also be available from this date. On Thursday the 22nd of March we will hold the inaugural Law School Orientation Party, named ‘Sue Me’ at Zhivagos bar, which promises to be the start of many more orientation parties to come. Other events coming up include the Oakbank Races (Monday the 9th April), Pub Crawl, Law Ball (1st June), Adelaide Competitions, Social Justice Breakfasts, City to Bay fun run, South Australian Law Students’ Committee (SALSC) Competitions and the SALSC Law Dinner. On top of this, the Australian Law Students’ Association (ALSA) have their annual Conference in Melbourne from the 9th-16th of July. Over 600 Law Students from around Australia flock together for the week to discuss issues with their LSS, compete nationally and attend frivolous and exciting events. All Law Students are welcome to attend. More information about ALSA can be found at www. or more specifically about July Conference at All our information can be found on our brand-spanking new website ( and facebook page, both of which will be constantly updated. Please let us know if we can help you out with anything. We’re at your disposal! All in all, we’re looking forward to an exciting 2012 and we hope you are too!

Administration: Charlotte Thomas My name is Charlotte Thomas and I am the Vice President (Administration) of the AULSS. My primary role is to act as the AULSS’s Treasurer which involves maintaining a record of the AULSS’s affairs and authorising payments. I am also responsible for assembling the agenda of and taking minutes at our monthly meetings. In my capacity as Vice President I also sit on the Legal Practitioners’ Education and Admission Council as a student representative.

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Education: Molly Snaith & Sam Christie We would like to introduce ourselves as the LSS’ Education Portfolio for 2012 – Molly Snaith (Vice President (Education)), and Sam Christie (Education Representative). We hope you enjoy your Law studies in 2012! Our piece of advice for the year: study, study, study, but do not under any circumstances forget to have fun! Getting the most out of Law School is all about having a good time as well as studying! Please don’t hesitate to email us if you have any educationrelated questions or concerns regarding your law studies, because it is our role to advocate on your behalf. We look forward to meeting you all at the next pub crawl, hopefully drink in hand!

Careers & Sponsorship: Tom Ootes Life is all about work and money, I’m hoping to help out along the way. The C&S team organise the Careers Guide, The Careers Fair, many careers info sessions throughout the year and also getting as much money as we can from corporate sponsors to provide you with discounts for events, and make your journey through law school rad. This does not mean we are going to sell our soul... no-one wants to pay money to put their logo on that.... we are law students after all! 2012 will see an attempt to explore alternate careers law graduates, because let’s be honest, only half of us will even sit for the Bar. The rest of us will become struggling musicians, actors, models, accountants and circus freaks, in that order and nt the other way around. Never before have we had sponsored pub crawls.Will 2012 be the first? Lets hope so! Perhaps we can have pub crawl top hats or judges wigs, you never know! Lastly I’d just like to say if anyone has any particular interests or queries about potential opportunites for work experience, clerkships, or even whether law is what they should be doing, send us a line on the email provided somewhere in this booklet (you’’ have to find it first though!) and we’ll try to help you as best we can.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 15 -

Activities Director: Annabelle Reeve When deciding which degree to study at University, I began by looking at which faculty offered the best social calendar, similarly to my legal role model; Elle Woods from the blockbuster film Legally Blonde. The Adelaide law school has without a doubt one of the best reputations in South Australia for hosting crazy, alcohol induced events that are friendly to the student budget. It is because of this that I am so excited to be your Activities Director for 2012. This year we are mixing things up a bit, with the introduction of the new orientation party titled ‘Sue Me’ which was held at Zhivago. My hope is that this will become a Law School tradition for decades to come and will one day be more popular than Skullduggery as that will really piss off all of the med students. My activities representatives have almost too much personality, with Kate Healy, Robert Cannizzaro and Edward Gainer assisting me in delivering bigger, better and most of all cheaper events for you guys! We have been working hard over the summer to organise Sue me, Oakbank, Pub Crawls and Quiz Nights and, most exciting of all, Law Ball.We look forward to continuing these events as in past years, as well as adding our own touch to make 2012 a year to remember at Law School.

Competitions Director: Michael Tsiavlis Hi, my name is Michael and I’m excited to be your 2012 competitions director! This year we are running mooting, negotiating, witness examination and client interviewing and have already had a record turn out with most of the competitions filling up beyond their capacity. In second semester we want to try to continue to involve people in competitions with plans for a ‘just for fun’ (read: alcohol fuelled) moot. As a former competitor I know how competitive law students can be and competitions are a healthy way to indulge this. Plus, after 5 years of a law degree everyone deserves a chance to suit up, be the centre of attention and pretend to be in Boston Legal. After all isn’t that why we all got into law? Give ‘comps’ a try! If you are interested in what the competitions are or have anything you would like to see in semester 2 look on the AULSS website ( or email

Social Justice Director: Benjamin Consentino The Social Justice Director and Representatives are committed to actively defending and promoting issues of social justice in the law. The officers provide students with a broad range of experiences that give a real world perspective on the legal issues most affecting the wider community. The main roles of this portfolio are to promote work experience opportunities relating to social justice and the law; and to run events and services which raise awareness about social justice and the law.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 16 -

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 17 -

Crouching Tiger, Jade Fountain or How I got my Legal Experience. Lily Black

Unsure as to whether I’d be a lawyer in the future, I haven’t had the drive to clerk in Adelaide. In my penultimate year I realised law wasn’t half bad/what the hell was a realistic alternative career path anyway? I became determined to gain some legal experience over the summer. Four avenues presented themselves to me…

AVENUE ONE: The Relative

During my degree it has rarely been of benefit that my father is a lawyer. Sometimes, my regurgitation of case-facts during dinner has roused some legal chit-chat between us but it bores the dog and we’d all much rather comment on Leigh Sales’s array of silks. One evening, I asked my father if I might follow him into work the next day. I was met was a perplexed look and a “why? It would be so boring.” I returned to my roast beef and said nothing. The next day I was waiting in his car at 8:30am. Dad’s prophecy was right. I stamped a lot of shit that day. Nepotism shut down.

AVENUE TWO: Clerking

Sadly, by the time of my ‘I need experience’ revelation applications were closed/ I couldn’t use that resume website/ I never got round to it. It’s a shame because I’m sure I would have got lots of offers..........nothing more I can really comment on here. Good luck to you!

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AVENUE THREE: The Human Rights Internship

I did an exchange in Sweden last year. I learnt little about Swedish law and more about gaining weight and how to sound like a twat when I got back home, “Mycket bra! OMG sorry, that was a Swedish word, sometimes I just slip into it! Did you know I lived there for 2 seconds?” The chance to travel again and perhaps ‘making a difference’ seriously appealed to me. What a shame it was so terribly difficult to organise and I received little assistance from the University.

AVENUE FOUR: Work in a cucina for 3 months and pay someone to organise it for you/ Projects Abroad The human rights internship just wasn’t happening. I had one option left. Projects Abroad. Sceptical about paying for something I could probably organise myself (I said probably) I went to a lecture on the types of programs you could do. An internship at a Chinese/Western firm in Shanghai sounded good. PA also organised accommodation with other interns, a support network and even a phone for me when I got there. I went to their office on Pirie Street that afternoon and the wheels were set in motion. A month later I received my placement details. The firm was called ‘Jade Fountain PRC Lawyers’. How fitting.


This is the part when I say “it was a life-changing experience” or “I felt out-of-mycomfort-zone-but-it-felt-ok!” or “the Chinese are all about paying respect. Like they respect, respect” etc etc. Was the placement valuable? Sometimes I sat for literal hours at my desk wondering if the girl in the next cubicle was a) having an orgasm b) giggling or c) deranged. Other times I helped seal a deal with a legal team from England, worked on cases and did other fun lawyery-thangs! All in all, it was rad. As Sir Te said in Crouching Tiger, “Be you Li? Lower your head and ask for mercy. I am the desert dragon”. THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 19 -

Find yourself getting Kanye confused with Capone? Unsure of the difference between a T-gun and a T-Pain? What is the difference between gangsters and gangstas? One ends in ‘a’ and the other in ‘er’ you may say, but Will Maitland discovers there’s more to it than that...

Our old-school gangster was all about refinement, enforcement and efficiency. Refinement meant manor houses and jet-black Cadillac’s. It meant perfectly fitting pinstripe suits, black fedoras and silk cravats. And most importantly, it meant supreme eloquence and an oily friendliness. A friendliness that comforted said gangster’s allies while simultaneously chilling the blood of his nemeses to the very tips of their spatterdashed brogues.

But all this refinement would have been nothing without an efficient business plan that ensured our gangster friends their place as selfproclaimed law enforcers. The gangster’s method of ‘enforcement’ involved making ‘unrefusable’ offers to better the family business. And when the family business expenses included .45 calibre rounds and garrotting wire in bulk, it’s clear that these offers were about as ‘unrefusable’ as they come. While the gangster could never be accused of using one bullet where 35 would do, there is little doubt that he was willing to invest in more inventive methods of persuasion. A glock pistol to the head might be pretty convincing, but nothing instils obedience like waking up with the severed head of your $600,000 thoroughbred. Our ‘gangsta’ friends, on the other hand, do not

buy into this image of affluence to produce their desired effect. No, the gangsta’s preferred attire is no more perfectly fitting than it is pinstriped. Sports singlets, skate shoes and baseball caps constitute the regalia of our hoodied amigos and ‘grillz’ provide some scare-factor with a rhinestone studded grin. Gone are the sleek black Cadillacs and fortified stately homes, the new gangsta’s paradise is all about subwoofas and the ghetto. For the gangsta, rich is the new poor and poor is the new black, because there is nothing gangsta about Wall Street and everything gangsta about “flossin’ in yo’ fly ass scraper”.1 The old-school gangsters’ business model, while magnificently effective in the 1920’s, has proven unsustainable in modern society and herein lies the greatest source of adaptation for our backstreet brigands. Gangsta business has, for the most part, had to go ‘above board’. And, in so doing, the gangsta has predominately chosen the music industry as his new means of expression. ‘Gangsta’ has become not simply associated, but indeed synonymous with rap and hip-hop. From Biggie to Snoop, Fiddy to Tupac, the new world of gangsta is inextricably linked to music. It would be remiss, of course, to suggest that the 1

Showing off in your 1991 Buick.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 20 -

mob’s association to this industry has not always existed - Ol’ Blue Eyes was renowned for his mafia connections– but the eponymy of the link has undoubtedly arisen in recent years. Unfortunately, however, gangsta involvement in the music industry has also manifested itself in, and indeed can be directly attributed to, the increase of teen stars, the like of which have only served to fuel growing levels of dissatisfaction with the state of humanity over the past decade.

...the gangster could never be accused of using one bullet where 35 would do... Without gangsta help, Rebecca Black would be simply another slutty schoolgirl and Justin Bieber just another, well, slutty schoolgirl. For years the streets have been the domain of gangsters and gangstas, and to the law-

Facilitation of teen stars is soon to become an indictable offense

abiding law-student, there might appear to be no difference. But from this brief exposé into the fundamentals of gangsterity, we can see that Coolio is no more Corleone than is Frank Lucas a backing vocalist for Miley’s latest mephitic melody or Lana Del Rey a gangster Nancy Sinatra.

And so, in the words

of our gangster friends, I say to you: Dayum, shawty. Bada-bing badaboom.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 21 -


Di, 4th year - Law/Media

Oli, 5th year - Law/French

Loki, 4th year - Law/Arts

Describe how you feel when you walk through the law school doors. Honestly a little depressed. It needs a facelift

Describe how you feel when you walk through the law school doors. I feel sorry for the 1st years who actually think they’ll do the readings

Describe how you feel when you walk through the law school doors. Elated. I love law!

Name and give a brief synopsis of ANY case from ANY jurisdiction. I’m a terrible law student......

Name and give a brief synopsis of ANY case from ANY jurisdiction. Donoghue v Stephenson (sic). Something about decomposing snails tasting bad?

We’ve run out of law-related questions. So, have you seen any good Fringe shows? No, but hopefully checking some soon. Hoping to see ‘Streetcar’ for the festival. Have you been called a fag/had shit thrown at you/been generally abused by drunks on the way to and from the Fringe? Unfortunately not, but here’s hoping this weekend... If you were a teacup, describe the kind of teacup you would be. Round and smooth with flowers

We’ve run out of law-related questions. So, have you seen any good Fringe shows? Yeh - Frank Woodley - brilliant! Have you been called a fag/had shit thrown at you/been generally abused by drunks on the way to and from the Fringe? Probably but the insults and throwing skills of intoxicated 15 year olds don’t have much effect on me. If you were a teacup, describe the kind of teacup you would be. One with a handle and a saucer, just in case.

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Name and give a brief synopsis of ANY case from ANY jurisdiction. Tyson v Holyfield.Tyson bit Holyfield’s ear. We’ve run out of law-related questions. So, have you seen any good Fringe shows? Not yet... Have you been called a fag/had shit thrown at you/been generally abused by drunks on the way to and from the Fringe? Yeh, it was pretty tough. If you were a teacup, describe the kind of teacup you would be. A dainty one, with pretty, intricate blue print.

As Richard Harris asked in the 60s classic Camelot, “What do the simple folk do?” We asked 6 real-life Law students intimate questions about life, love and all the crazy thangs in between!!!

Becci, 2nd year - Law/Commerce

Patsy, 3rd year - Law/Engineering

Pat, 4th year - Law/Arts

Describe how you feel when you walk through the law school doors. Knowing that one day I’ll own this fucking school.

Describe how you feel when you walk through the law school doors. I like that it emulates Bonython Hall. Perhaps the interior could be revamped.

Describe how you feel when you walk through the law school doors. It makes me feel like I’m the only girl in the world.

Name and give a brief synopsis of ANY case from ANY jurisdiction. Ooh, tough - so many to choose from. Ok um I think that Australian Capital Television Pty Ltd v Commonwealth is amazing because like it’s where the court developed the concept that we have implied human rights in our constitution.

Name and give a brief synopsis of ANY case from ANY jurisdiction. Chappell v Nestle[1960] AC 67. I will never forget Richard Bullen giving this lecture about a peppercorn being nominal consideration.What a character and what a loss to the law school.

Name and give a brief synopsis of ANY case from ANY jurisdiction. Rihanna v Brown. Some sort of assault.

We’ve run out of law-related questions. So, have you seen any good Fringe shows? Loving the garden right now! Went and saw some circus show thing - don’t know what it was called but the guy had an amazing rig & looked like Gosling so I would totes recommend it. Have you been called a fag/had shit thrown at you/been generally abused by drunks on the way to and from the Fringe? Only guys throwing themselves at me ;) If you were a teacup, describe the kind of teacup you would be. Wedgwood. Loving their Harlequin collection atm. Cute little red hearts all over!

We’ve run out of law-related questions. So, have you seen any good Fringe shows? More of a festival dog myself.The garden is full of riff raff these days. Looking forward to Raoul, Ennio Marricone and some friends are catering at Barrio which should be culturally rich and exciting. Have you been called a fag/had shit thrown at you/been generally abused by drunks on the way to and from the Fringe? More often than not, yes to all of the above. If you were a teacup, describe the kind of teacup you would be. A Limoges. Classic style in off-white.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 23 -

We’ve run out of law-related questions. So, have you seen any good Fringe shows? Yeh, I went to see something in the garden. It was at the Umbrella (ella ella, ey ey ey) at the Umbrella Revolution. Have you been called a fag/had shit thrown at you/been generally abused by drunks on the way to and from the Fringe? Sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me. If you were a teacup, describe the kind of teacup you would be. Come here rude boy, boy is you big enough? A big one.

A Summer With Jessup By Tomas Macura


was one of the lucky 5 who were selected to represent our uber-prestigious School of Law at the Jessup International Law Moot Competition held at the Australian National University in February. Or so I thought. Preparing for the competition while meeting the assessment criteria resulted in a summer devoid of holidays. However, if you have at least a passing interest in public international law then I strongly recommend applying. The experience will improve your advocacy skills, enhance your ability to conduct legal research, allow you to network with academics and practitioners and make life-long friends. Selection Process And Assessment To get selected, watch out for an email from the law school around July asking for expressions of interest. After a written application in which you bullshit about the usual pish, you will be notified about whether you were shortlisted. If so, you will be invited to an informal interview with the team coach/course convenor to again sell yourself. After enjoying a brief ego boost, you will meet the coach and other eager students in order to discuss assessment, which really should be credited with more than 3 units towards your degree. The problem question, called the compromis, neatly divides into four parts, prayers for relief, which are essentially the remedies sought by both the applicant and respondent state. The scenario and states are based on live issues and you are expected to apply existing or emerging law contained in treaties or based on state practice. Writing The Memorial Our compromis included a coup against a democratically elected government, airstrikes against the armed forces of the new regime and the seizure of a state’s property by another state. The unsettled legal issues were whether the coup regime was the lawful government to represent its state before the jurisdiction of the Court, the legality of the use of force and the responsibility of

The Jessup Moot team: Mark Giddings, Samantha Sisomphou, James Krumrey-Quinn, Jenna Sorby-Adams and Tomas Macura. international organisations, state immunity from a foreign court’s judgment, and whether destroying a cultural building can be justified under military necessity. It is a good idea to start with chapters from general text books on the topics in the problem before getting into journal articles and primary sources. Looking at past memorials is a good tip – just skip ours as it turned out pretty shite. Unlimited free printing and photocopying and 24 hour access to the library was pretty sweet and resulted in extreme hacky sack, phone curling (like the winter Olympics ‘sport’) down the corridor and joy riding on wheely chairs during ‘breaks’ from research and writing. This will also result in having to smooth things over with security. Practice Moots Eventually the coach will schedule moots for the team. The applicants and respondents both get 45 minutes which is divided between each side. In addition to wanky names for the problem, written submissions and the desired remedies, judges are referred to as Excellencies and counsel as agents.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 24 -

The art to mooting successfully is being able to succinctly answer questions from the bench and seamlessly integrate the responses into your substantive material. Being able to build a rapport with the judges by welcoming questions, engaging them in a conversation and directing their questions in a way that persuades them of your arguments are important skills. Once the memorial has been submitted, moots with guest judges will happen daily in the weeks leading up to Canberra. So forget about travelling, clerkships or full-time work. A diversity of locally sourced judges who include practitioners, academics and past mooters is a great benefit to the team in preparing for when the shit gets real.

“We stayed in Burgmann college, which included prison-style gates and a group of raucous American frat boys...” Canberra Just before you get sick of arguing and hearing the same tripe from your co-agents, the time will come to pack your luggage with as much useful material that fits within the airline’s weight limits. The university will kindly book a painfully early flight and provide sub-par accommodation in a student college. We stayed in Burgmann college, which included prison-style gates and a group of raucous American frat boys who ‘partied down’ with goon every night. Perhaps I just have no idea of how to have a good time. The first day feels like a holiday until the team receives the memorials submitted by the teams it will compete against in the preliminary rounds. This is followed by an adrenaline rush comprised of panic and/or supreme confidence when reading the opposition submissions and suitably amending your prepared speeches. Our four moots went swimmingly – including losing to the impressively slick USyd applicants and comfortably defeating Flinders – and saw us break into the quarters as ten other universities hit the end of the road. On the eve of the quarter and semi final rounds the real ICJ handed down a decision on which part of the compromis was based. This skewed the substantive law in favour of the applicants

in relation to state immunity. Despite this, the respondents from Melbourne persuaded the bench of their substantive claptrap with their deceptive style while our bulletproof arguments apparently did not cut the mustard. Getting knocked out of the competition was sad as it would have been awesome to be one of the two Australian universities participating in the international rounds in Washington. The sense of no more Jessup created a giant hole in our lives. This hole was filled with alcohol before, during and after the High Court dinner which announced Melbourne and UQ as the finalists and gave each team a prize so that everyone felt like a winner. The Canberra night life leaves something to be desired and almost makes Hindley Street look classy. After a few hours of weird looks and sophisticated comments from locals on account of us being clad in formal attire, we somehow got back to Burgmann. Not competing in the final day ensures you can finally sleep in, nurse the hangover from the previous night and dress casually before arriving at the High Court to watch the two remaining teams. UQ deservedly won over Melbourne’s crafty slickness but if you are a sore loser like me, you will grumble under your breath throughout the final about being robbed.

The rigorous research, structuring of arguments, development of advocacy skills and the intellectual pursuit of international law all combine for a memorable chapter of your university life and something for which it is well worth sacrificing the summer holidays.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 25 -

y a D t s Fir

! ! l o o h c S w a L

at the

Carlisle White reminisces about those first moments within our beloved walls. The world was an entirely different place when I nervously stumbled into the horrendously uninviting foyer of the Ligertwood building for the first time in the early days of Autumn 2008. Zimbabwe’s inflation was an entirely manageable 230,000,000%, Neighbours was still viewable on channel 10 during primetime (the decision to then relegate it to channel “Eleven” should warrant indefinite detention in Guantanamo Bay) and a small cult within society was still persisting under the mistaken illusion that the blue/grey part of a double-sided eraser could successfully erase ink. But despite the stark differences between then and now, one thing has remained constant – the first proper day of university (inexcusably, vomiting after consuming 2+ litres of strawberry milk in 45 seconds during an O-week competition isn’t considered assessable material) is appalling. The following words outline my thought process before and during the first Introduction to Australian Law seminar (now called “Foundations of Law” or something wanky) that I attended, a simultaneously memorable and traumatic 2-hour blur - roughly one fifth of my overwhelmingly demanding 10 contact-hour week. 8:31 am: I have absolutely zero idea whether I am even enrolled in university successfully due to the unfathomably difficult enrolment process on Access Adelaide. The system must have been designed to only be usable by robots or those with an IQ above 250. How this intricate system fails to wean out the dreaded mature-age student is beyond the realm of human comprehension. 8:35 am: Why is that teenage person wearing a suit at university? My current outfit includes Big W thongs and a Mambo t-shirt manufactured shortly after the Adelaide Crows entered the AFL.

8:45 am: Why is every person around me walking around with a cup of take-away coffee and looking important enough to either perform open heart surgery or negotiate an end to a World War? I hate the taste of coffee and the most important thing in my life is whether I include tomato in my ham and cheese toasted sandwich when I get home today. The roof of my mouth is still raw from the scorching hot tomato included in yesterday’s edition and I don’t know if I can face another burn. 8:51 am: Now that I have found my seminar room – by intelligently (creepily) following (silently stalking) another person who looked roughly my age and slightly less retarded than I felt – where do I sit? There are three seats left.

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 26 -

Option 1: Sit next to nerdy-looking 18-year old male sporting glasses as thick as the average chocolate chip biscuit, with a doughy frame that has never seen a sporting field of any sort. Also is wearing a collared shirt buttoned up to the top button (this didn’t become a hipster trademark until years later) and chinos with a pair of sneakers boasting a level of traction more hardcore than even the most robust hiking boots. Was seen inexplicably reading a broadsheet newspaper prior to the class.

on the desk in front of me and all attention is directed at the friendless corner I am sitting in. After 15 minutes of almost unbearable silence, in which my prime concern was not breathing too loudly through the nose and potentially offending anyone, the tutor (some form of teacher/student hybrid from initial impressions) asked everyone to individually tell the class why he/she decided to study law. Strangely, the dreadfully dull answer of “because I got a good enough mark in year 12” didn’t result in rapturous applause from all around me. However, it no doubt gave the tutor a hugely reassuring feeling – at least she could take heart from the fact she was investing hours into teaching such a passionate, inspired and directed student.

Option 2: Sit next to female in late twenties with unremarkable outfit consisting of ~10 year-old blue denim jeans, an average white t-shirt and a non-offensive ponytail. Also wearing glasses but looks approachable despite apparent blandness. Seems intent on avoiding eye contact at all costs 10:59 am: After 1 hour and 58 minutes, I was still and is consumed by looking down at blank unsure about whether I was in the correct room, notebook. building and indeed university. I understood nothing. But after class was dismissed and I Option 3: Sit next to teenage male who looks as donned my unnecessarily large backpack, I had desperate, twitchy and alone as I am. May need conquered seminar one. It was time to leave the to attend to the 25cm x 20cm sweat patches campus as hastily as possible and pray that I underneath each armpit but otherwise an never had to come back again. outstanding candidate. He is the winner and I take my seat. Blissfully, I was unaware that I had roughly 250 seminars to go until I was awarded a degree. 8:52 am: I do not recognize one single face. I But I had to start somewhere, and I could only think that one guy sitting across from me went to improve after my uninspiring flop of a university a party I attended in year 10 but I can’t be sure as debut. My journey towards graduating from a I wasn’t invited to it and spent the evening hiding degree involving three metric tons of reading in the shadows avoiding attention. per semester had begun. The good news is that soon I discovered that no one actually does 9:09 am: My royal blue 500-pen capacity this reading, and in seminar two my hands had Billabong wetsuit-material pencil-case now rests become significantly less clammy.

The Hilarian is sponsored by Lipman Karas and Clayton Utz

THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 27 -

TV SCHEDULE YOUR GUIDE TO THIS SEASON’S VIEWING Each new year brings exciting new developments in TV.We witness the return of some old favourites, and the excitement of new programmes. James Stewart and Patrick McCaffrie stare into the vast chasm of despair and nothingness humanity has dubbed ‘TV’ and return not-quite empty-handed…

HITS: Must See Shows for 2012 THURSDAY 6pm Channel 10: Celebrity Big Brother vs. Celebrity Survivor The producers of these two popular reality shows saw the opportunity for an exciting cross-over. 12 celebrities are placed in one house for 12 weeks while cyanide is slowly pumped into the building through the air-conditioner. They are denied medical treatment while viewers eagerly watch to see whose vital organs give out last. The winner will be interviewed, dead or alive, in front of a live audience by Gretel Killeen. ‘Killeen will have to do’ FRIDAY - Channel 10 Executive 8:30pm Channel 7: Let’s All Catch And Kill Nickelback The title pretty much says it all in this exciting new project from Channel 7. While the show is yet to be fully detailed, reportedly, the citizen who can saw-off and hold aloft Chad Kroeger’s head wins a $250, 000 ‘thank you’ reward from humanity and the right to mount the head on their wall. Starring John Bunting and Ivan Milat. 9pm Channel 7: Celebrity Arsonist Australian celebrities are awarded for setting fire to the homes of random Australians. A particular highlight is the episode where Dannii Minogue exacts revenge on her more successful sister Kylie as she celebrates burning her sister’s house to the ground. Dannii Minogue - Better with a lighter than a microphone SATURDAY 6:20pm SBS: USSR Child Stars: Where are they now? In this special, Mike Munro interviews a series of former child stars from the Soviet Union to see where their lives have taken them. In an emotional, and unforeseen, turn of events, Munro catches radiation poisoning after sharing a meal with a former child star & survivor of Chernobyl. ‘Touching’ does not come close.

MISSES: I Hope You Have a Good Book... TUESDAY 5pm Channel 9: Scalps of the Rich and Famous Avoid this misguided new game-show where contestants are asked to determine which scalp belongs to which celebrity. No one could possibly justify the episode where contestants are asked to identify Macaulay Culkin’s bloody, lice-ridden, scalp during the filming of Home Alone. 6pm Channel 10: Heil Mary A series set in 1930s Germany where Mary, mother of Jesus, is transported into Eva Braun’s shoes. Viewers are taken on a predictable journey as Mary ‘grapples’ with the complexities of life in 1930s Germany and being in a relationship with Adolf Hitler as he sets out to slaughter her people. Starring Christoph Waltz as Adolf. THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 28 -

2012 WEDNESDAY 8pm Channel 9: Backyard Blitzkrieg Jamie Durie and the gang jump in Henkel HE 11 stealth bombers and target the homes of citizens not tuning in to Channel 9. After the raids have finished one lucky target will have their backyard rebuilt from scratch! Durie: ready to rebuild a FRIDAY recently napalmed garden 7:30pm Channel 7:The Amazing Racist Three old, white, Southern-Baptists are placed in a room with a group of 12 mixed race people. The cranky white man judged to be the most racist receives a re-education and rehabilitation course by virtue of court order.

BREAKING NEWS: Australian Remakes After taking it on their back for many years Australia is finally rolling over and starting to take a “stand” from a different position. The announcement earlier this month that a concession on the proposed FTA between the USA and Australia was going to be given the green light has been a true boost to the Australian television and film industries. The demand, that has now been met, enforces a clause that 90% of shows on free-to-air stations are required to be Australian made. A discussion between the major networks has resulted in a decision to ‘Australianise’ popular films and movies from the US, until such time that the Australian writers are able to create anything but stereotypical ‘Aussie dramas’ or pieces on how down-to-earth and heroic the working class are. The likelihood of this happening anytime soon is low, so prepare for the onslaught of remakes. The Hilarian has found a list of just some of the ideas that networks are considering for a legally-themed series that might interest Adelaide law students… THURSDAY 7pm Channel 9:The Kingswood Lawyer A sleazy defense attorney has a crisis of conscience when he represents a wealthy client who has a foolproof plan to beat the system. Starring Bryan Brown and Madge from Neighbours. 8pm Channel 9: Frankston Legal Alan Shore and Denny Crane as you’ve never seen them…in stubbies and thongs. Starring the late Charles ‘Bud’ Tingwell and Dave ‘Hughesey’ Hughes. FRIDAY 9pm Channel 7: CSI: Cronulla The cases of the Cronulla, NSW police department’s Crime Scene Investigations unit. Starring everyone from Home and Away, except Alf Stewart, and real Cronulla citizens (close to 17% of Cronulla’s citizens if statistics are anything to go by). SATURDAY 7:30pm Channel 10: Legally Blonde:The Sophie Monk Story When a blonde “celebrity” is dumped by her reality TV created pop band, she decides to go to law school to get back at them and, once there, learns how to pose for men’s magazines. Starring Sophie Monk THE HILARIAN 01/2012 - 29 -

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High Quality Writing

May Be in Standard Definition

Editors Have Minimal To No

Editing Standards May Vary



Actual Ability Hilarian available in English, American, Canadian and Strine. Hilarian for the hearing impaired also available.

Last year’s editors Lily Black and Patrick McCaffrie team up with newcomers Will Maitland and

James Stewart to serve up a thrilling new installment of the Hilarian. Four editors, a mysterious mooter (Tomas Macura), a nostalgic fifth year (Carlisle White) and the executive body of the AULSS fuel an action packed adventure rife with humour, ambition, mystery and bad puns. Three writers in this edition have been nominated for Walkely journalism awards.*

Special Features Introduction To The Editors Social Commentary By All Members Of Hilarian A Word From Our Sponsors Meet The AULSS Of 2012 Behind The Scenes: The Making Of Hilarian - L.A.W. Confidential* Interactive Map Of Ligertwood* All Nineteen Sets Of The Dennis Lim Notes* Sections 51 - 74 Of The Australian Constitution In Expanded Form (Including An ‘Easy To Understand’ Guide To Interpretation By Isaacs J)*

* This might be a lie.




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The Hilarian, Issue 1, 2012  

The Hilarian, Issue 1, 2012

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