Amanda Barry, who looka rather Ilka aha would make m worthy competitor In m Huntar 5 Mlnaon eating competition, geta her teeth Into her new Job aa ARIOLASOFT's Preaa Officer. Pre ma Officer? Dangeroua thing to be when Hunter Sis about,.,.
It is with a certain amount of regret that I inform you, Hunter S Minson is missing. Regret tinged with relief, t confess, because CRASH'S very own gonzo hack can also be a prime pain in the posterior. But mainly regret, because for all his failings, life is never dull when Minson is around. But we are currently Mins-less. He has gone AWOL before, vanishing for days on beastly binges of the most hedonistic kind. I have no doubt that he will turn up again soon. Let's just hope that he does nothing criminal. And God save those sober citizens who come into contact with him. I have known Minson for years, acting as his personal assistant. Many's the time he has handed m e a garbled cassette tape with a curt instruction to " M a k e sense of this goddam crap!" I've edited his most recent ramblings in an attempt to explain his disappearance. I pick up the story with Minson continuing his quest for sherbert. Once he's on a sherbert binge there is little one can do but humour him. But let Minson tell the s t o r y . . . "There is nothing remotely Swiss about LJamas, but then again there is nothing remotely Swiss about Swiss Cottage in North London, so it was probably a logical place for the lig to launch the HEwsoN/Jeff Minter marriage. "Minter, you mumble, equals Commie-unist. Quite right. And what was I doing in such unsalubrious circles, other than watching the fleshy, white, wobbly bits of overweight Holiday Inn-habitants as they used the exercise bikes in the pool next door? Well, I'd heard rumours that this was a likely source of sweet satisfaction. "I quickly cornered the very blonde and very beautiful Julia Coombs and quizzed her about the Fizz Connection, but all she would talk about was forthcoming HEWSON releases. One of these goes by the name of City Slicker. It allows you to roam round all my favourite London haunts in search of the bomb disposal kit that will stop a latter day Guy Fawkes blowing up the Houses of Parliament — though why youd want to hinder a public benefactor is beyond me! '' You can actually enter some of
the London landmarks, though the Holsten No 1, home of so many great HEWSON launches, is sadly not among them. Pity as a game of grab-the-free-food-and-avoidthe-drunken-hack could have been most amusing! "The Swiss Cottage nosh was great though, and the blue cheese and grape sandwiches were powerful enough to melt your socks (in fact, socks is what they smelt like!) but not powerful enough for me. My system craved a greater stimulant and, good ol HEWSON ... my prayer was granted. ' As is usual on HEWSON ligs, all of us hacks were handed our own little press packs containing a plastic toy and something to munch on dunng the long journey back to town... rather like Santa's grotto! "Well, this being a Minter extravaganza, we all got plastic sheep or rams (cue RAM pack wobble jokes). Then, as I dived down to scrape the bottom of the sack, what other fitting souvenir did I find? None other than the required white powder, encased in candy flying saucers that tasted like expanded polystyrene. My joy
14 CRASH October 1986Pion
lent, in particular a walnut merinwas complete. I guzzled the lot gue gateau. Minson and his combefore Baker Street." panion entered upon an eat'ng At this stage Minson's ramblings competition. become incomprehensible. Under the influence of the deadly sher"Five pieces. I've never seen ,bert he dictated the following. I anything like it. They should call have made no attempt to translate you Trapdoor. into anything resembling English. At this point the tape ran out and "Right . get this. I'm going to so did Minson, into the traffic of the Strand, totally deranged on a King's College in London, berk. deadly mix of meringue and the linNo, Berk. BERK"' Hero of a new TV show. Trapdoor. Launching it all gering effects of sherbert. today. I'm on my way." And that has been all. apart from (There is a break in the tape as a garbled phone call at 4.07am last he steps into a taxi.) Tuesday. "King's College. Great Hall of "Hey, Laszlo. youoldcrud. How some sort, full of cuddly toys and are ya? You'll never guess. Hawaii. kiddies' wellies, with a big TV Wild times. I can tetl you. Surfers screen at one end and what do we everywhere. And the waves. Wild have here? Mandy! Hi!" ' 'But let me tell you. Somebody (At this stage Mandy Keytio of just shipped me a copy of some PIRANHA can be heard talking to an other Commie publication. ZZIPor unidentified companion.) "Oh no! Look who it is. Yes, the KKRAP or something. Have you seen it. HAVE YOU SEEN IT? Take one we digitised ... Well, show a look then' Some squid calledTbe him the game then." Shadow tries to slag me off. (Dialogue, mostly indistinct, as Minson examines the Trapdoor ' 'No, of course I'm not going to game.) sue. I might do them physical harm, but sue ... no way! I could ' 'Jeesus! This is great. Are you getting all of this. This is the best slag myself of better than that. They've missed out on everything. animation I've ever seen on the Been reduced to fabricating Spectrum. This is brilliant. I just stones. It's pathetic! can't believe it... ' 'And hiding behind that "Try to explain ... make some pseudonym. Well, I knows that the sense of this, Laszlo ,.. cut that Shadow & nose is lustin front of his last bit... and that too ... you THALAMUS, but I can keep the Lidknow what I mean. Right... go again. You have to control Berk, a on. BIG sprite. BIIIG1 Make him follow ' 'Laszlo. listen. Gotta go. Going the orders of the master upstairs. harpoon fishing. Caught a CaliforThings like getting some eyeball nian kid on a surfboard yesterday. crush. Cooked him myself. Had him for "Eyeball crush. Reminds me... dinner." I'm thirsty. See you later. Mandy." Whether Minson was actually in Hawaii remains unclear. However (An audible sigh of relief.) "Hey, Cookie. Come here. Isn't it is expected that he will reappear this going to be big. BIIIIGG! Hey, in time for that spectacle that makes the decline of Rome look what's the food like?" like a vicarage tea party, the PCW Once again the tape becomes show! virtually incomprehensible, but using the latest scientific techniques I managed to deduce the following. The food was excelLaszlo Sandow