HARVEST FESTIVAL Davyhulme
22nd September, 2078 WE
BUY AND SELL
PRIME QUALITY CUTS BAUBLES, BANGLES & BRIGHT SHINY THINGS & BITS & BATS
ALL YOU CAN EAT KIDNEY, CORNEA, LIVER, PANCREAS, HEART & LUNGS, INTESTINES, BONE MARROW, BLOOD STEM PERIPHERAL AND CORD CELLS
EIGHT TILL LATE PURCHASERS The NHS is proud to host this year’s annual Harvest Festival where providers have the opportunity to select from the cream of the crop from our new season’s well-being range. From full transplants to a palette of augmentationopportunities, this year’s festival has a bumper harvest for our discerning clientele to peruse at their leisure. Whether it’s tired organs, an expanding waistline, or the simple signs of ageing, our NHS specialists are on hand to offer you help and impartial advice.
Purchasers will be greeted by their personal shopper at the Grand Canal Entrance where they
can choose to relax with cocktails in our fully interactive self-imaging suite, or perhaps visit the donor viewing area and witness our unparalleled levels of hygiene, professionalism and
For your comfort and entertainment the Evening Banquet is offered in the Great Hall, or within the privacy of your own family suite. Our mystery celebrity chef, will be preparing the finest free-range and wild cuisine.
PROVIDERS Due to increased demand from purchasers, the NHS is able to offer best prices for high quality organs, stem cells and blood products. Providers must be certified through their local Quality Standards Agency and any provider not in receipt of certification will be expected to undergo standard screening procedures, on site3. Families wanting to offer up a full individual harvest donation4, will be expected to have applied in advance and have completed clinical consent forms and accompany the fully sedated donation. Unsedated stock is never permitted in the 1
Post-natal infant donation is by pre-arrangement only, and postpartum donors will be
responsible for ensuring the donation meets NHS standards. First, second and third trimester foetuses can be harvested without an appointment, although donors may experience procedural delays if they cannot provide evidence of lineage . We reserve the right to reject sub-standard stock and recycle as the Act directs. Providers must use the Works Entrance clearly signed on The Old Sewage Street. The traditional Harvest Festival will be held for all donors and their families after harvesting is complete with Joints from the Gibbet provided this year, by HM Prison (Strangeways) Manchester as the Act directs 5
1. The National Harvesting (and wellbeing) Service replaced the National Health Service which was phased out between 1979 and 2020. 2. Quality: As defined in the joint Office for National Statistics, Department for Food Standards and National Harvesting Service Accord, 2030. “Organic products, that (where possible to determine), are free of disease and are a cost-efficient alternative to synthesised resources.” 3. Standard screening procedures on site must be paid for in cash, prior to screening. The costs for this will vary from stall to stall. The NHS will not be acountable for screening practices on the day. 4. If an elderly or ill relative is being donated as a full dispersal, this can only be undertaken if the individual donation is fully sedated and all certification has been provided. Failure to comply with this mandatory regualtion may result in the goods being forfeited and the accompanying family member being fined and/or imprisoned. 5. In terms of infant donations, the NHS only purchases, trades and exchanges healthy living donations under the age of one year. 6. The 2035 NHS Environment Act permits the appropriate rendering of all donations for research, charitable procedures and in the preparation of consumables. 7. The 2040 NHS Valuing Human Resources Act encourages the redistribution of condemned material to those on the lowest income.
Green variant of Baubles, Bangles...