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FASHION CULTURE PROJECT Photography: Pawel Niemczyk Assistant: Karolina Pisiakowska Styling: Gilbert Braun Designers (right): Lesley de Freitas (left): JeeHyun Jung Model (left): Stephanie-Swan Model Managment (right): Inga Parks Hair Stylists (left): Free Style 25 (right): Patrick Forini Make-up Artist (left): NOTIS London Academy of Make Up & Image Styling (left): Kamila Siemiatkowska

Laissez Faire: the last true adventurer, full of bravery and spunk, with a vast repertoire of stories about taking risks, about how he had a dream and beat the system. A rare thing indeed in this day and age of feckless famous for absolutely nothing celebrity wannabes and droves of star-fuckers. The latest deal was to cherry pick a handful of bubbling natural talent with a Wilo-The-Wisp imagination, as keen as mustard and hotter than a beauty in a bikini. I think we’ve done just that in both a witty and moving celebration of human achievement.


The horse is bolting and I feel an art-mageddon in the midst; so let us conjure up the imagination with this bohemian and tonnes of quirk-centric articles. Once again, a Big Thank You for all involved and scoring yet another psychological bulls-eye. Your muckraking editor Maximus Jo Kerr McGuire. @LaissezFaire888


by Richmond Media Ltd

H.Q: Soho

, London W1F 0HG




WE ARE ANONYMOUS An ancient evil awakens; step through the mirror and enter the fantastical universe of “Alice’s Apocalypse”.

Tinker Bell after image


Cloud Cuckoo after image


umble beginnings: these graduates from the University of Arts Berlin and University of Arts London, known as Artists Anonymous, is a collective group of artists founded in 2001 and have exhibited internationally throughout Europe and their works are included in a list of private collections for the likes of Deutsche Bank, Saatchi, the Rubell Family, Anita Zabludowicz, and names and families I frankly have not heard of but are definitely part of the upper elite, better known as the 1%. Their multi-disciplinary approach combines painting, photography, performance, installation and video dealing with a broad range of issues including war, famine, sex drugs the history of painting and rock’n’roll.

ART Most works in the exhibition are presented in pairs. The first, oil painted on canvas conveying a seemingly innocent scene from an alternate world bathed in vibrant acidic colours, is hung next to its reflected counterpart. At first impression this seems identical, but upon closer inspection the viewer will detect not only a difference in the use of inverted darker, nightmarish colours, but also a change of detail verging on the macabre.

Alice’s Apocalypse after image This act of experimenting with the boundaries of the art world and mainstream culture results in bringing painting and photography into direct contact with each other. This practice produces a fusion of information and endless inversion, which in turn opposes today’s commoditised contemporary art meltdown. The surreal effect of this twofold world of eccentric figures, transformed by masks or costume, incites a questioning of positives and negatives expanding our interpretation of what the opposing images might physically be and how we might receive and judge them.



nonymous Oops. You’ve missed this one:

Artists Anonymous: Alice’s Apocalypse 6 September 2012 – 13 October 2012 Lazarides Gallery 11 Rathbone Place London W1

NEMESIS painting



These new blood have a vantage point from which to take in the great reform, and opening up to the elements this month, is graphic designer Ricky Lai, with his Organic Wood Drawing, A bit of eloquence and a Willo-The-Wisp imagination is enough to turn modified square pieces of wood into a hand crafted precision tool kit beset with mystic traditions and visual magic.

Ricky: This project aims to create an illustration that is extendable, interchangeable, and unexpected. Rather than the use of traditional drawing mediums, the work uses wood, which is the raw material of paper, to portray a sense of nature and create an organic feeling that is lasting and unending. These modified square pieces of wood with holes on each side that can link up with other pieces; as a result the narrative on the wood could develop in different directions and represents an endless journey. The story may extend into other pieces or revolve back to the same position; therefore it is unpredictable and random. Can you see the ebb flow and here? The ebb and flow can undoubtedly become a very great mystery and is absolutely duck soup for Laissez Faire!




Lock-Jaw, And Three Smoking Doodles Charlotte Ajoodan-Poor is an animator, illustrator and compulsive sketcher. She told us about her art, her jaw and why she wishes she could wonder London’s galleries all day.

Mr Central Line and Mr Northern Line

How would you describe your style? Classic, I love finding the beauty. I get my inspiration from the classic artists: Picasso, Leonardo da Vinci. If I could I would spend my days walking around London’s art galleries I’d be happy. It’s almost something that comes natural to me, I spend most of my time analysing surroundings, trying to work out how I would draw the person sitting in front of me on the train, working out if I had a set of paints in my bag what tone their hair would be, and where the light falls.

I have always been and hands on, I love making things. We are in an age where technology is taking over; everything can be done with a click of a button. I try and use my computer as tool to help present my work. The tube features heavily in your art. Is it important to you? I seem to be a little bit of an underground geek, there is so much to know about the Underground I feel like I am always exploring. I like many other Londoners spend a lot of time travelling on the underground, you never know what you are going to get when it comes to the Underground.

You’ve used computers heavily in creating an animation about your TMJ (Temporo Mandibular Joint Disfunction), how did that come about? It’s never a good idea to Google your symptoms, but I could not stop myself. It’s because something that consumed me. Finding everyday reading different articles and posting on forums. TMJ is a disorder that affects the movement of jaw meaning that not something that can be ignored. Being something that was always on my mind I could not help but not draw about it. What really helped me along my way, getting support and good feedback from people who also have the same problem as me. From your work on TMJ, to your stains on the wall and your linocuts of hidden stations, a lot of your subjects are things that are hidden to the everyday person. Is this deliberate? As an artist I feel that I see the world differently: looking into the texture to see the finest detail. It’s hard to explain, it’s as if there is so much beauty in the world that most of us look past it, over look it as if it is not important. For example on one of my holidays I spent two hours drawing a mop, it was just an orangery mop and I was getting rather odd looks from my friends. I did not mind, getting up close you could see all the individual stands and way they were intertwining with each other, there were no rules each thread was individual. Your work rarely feels static, in subject or media, what’s next for Charlotte AjoodanPoor? I am exploring my options at the moment, always on the lookout for new projects, and learning new things!

Artist: Charlotte Ajoodan-Poor




Pushing the boundaries of imagination in the world of death and destruction, veterinary solo artist extraordinaire Todd James, is back in London-Town with a some awe inspiring work challenging the very pillars of what is right and wrong.

Triangles Don’t Work

ATION In this new collection of acrylic paintings, Todd continues his iconic Somali Pirate series, aptly name: World Domination. Draped in headgear and masks, and brandishing second hand AK-47’s and RPG’s, these pirates perform a range of quotidian activities: smoking cigarettes, drinking tea at sunset, preparing weapons, and standing guard.

The Good Listener

Time Waits For No One

Blue Shade Tree

Rendered in a vivid tropical palette, these works vibrate with good natured menace, poignantly addressing themes of David and Goliath, survival, justice and ingenuity. To top it all, he prefers to name his paintings with colourful monikers such as ‘Avacado Sea and Banana Clips’.

His distinctive cartoon-style paintings are very ironic. Todd’s paintings reflect a variety of influences, including the pop culture and American expressionist painters such as Willem de Kooning and Franz Kline, and it bears all the hallmarks in his latest exhibition at the Lazarides Gallery, Rathbone Place this month.




11 Rathbone Place W1T 1HR +44 (0)207 636 5443 So make sure you remember these colours of attraction when faced with Somali Pirates on the high-seas brandishing weapons in return for a princely sum! 6th March - 13th April 2013 Admission Free

Avacado Sea & Banana Clips



SPLATTER ‘N’ DAUB at Rosenfeld Porcini, 37 Rathbone Street, London W1T 1NZ (until 27 April)


n to Rosenfeld Porcini Gallery in Fitzrovia for the Finissage for Eduardo Stupía: Reinventing Landscape, the Argentinian artist’s inaugural UK solo exhibition which follows on from his recent retrospective as a featured artist of the 2012 Sao Paulo Biennal. Presented on both floors of the gallery, Stupía’s large works on both canvas and paper draw upon an extensive palette of marks and techniques within a single painting. He uses materials such as pencil, charcoal, acrylic, graphite, watercolour and ink to portray busy post-Freudian, post-Jungian black and white landscapes as an interior map, akin to stream of consciousness.

His monochrome, energetic works are arguably ‘not for lovers of calm abstracts’ (in the words of Ian Rosenfeld), and neither is his cold, rational approach to painting which puts one in mind of his fellow abstract expressionist Cy Twombly – minus the vibrant colours. But most and foremost, Stupía’s work is influenced by British and Dutch landscapes as well as Chinese and Japanese, and uniquely transformed:

‘I try to induce the eye of the beholder to perceive certain traces, appearing more or less legibly. They’re referential when there’s nothing but brushstrokes, lines, scratches and stains. I like to think of these landscapes as “language-scapes” – landscapes of the pure language.’

Words by Britt Pflüger


Fashion Culture Project took place on the 6th of April, at The White House in London. The next round takes place on the 16th May in Warsaw

When Worlds Collide Designer: Ola Kawalko Photography: Justyna Metrak-Radon



oland and Britain are two countries with a lot in common. Often their shared history and culture differ only from experiencing it from the opposite sides of Europe. These similarities mean Britain and Poland can come together pretty seamlessly when they have things in common but when they don’t then the results can be incredible. Fashion is one of those areas where Poland and Britain have taken different paths. The Fashion Culture Polish-British Fashion Show brought the two together and it promises to be an explosive event. Taking place at the White House in London, the show featured some outstanding students (or designers of tomorrow) from the International School of Costume and Fashion Design in Warsaw, Lodz Academy of Fine Arts and Cracow School of Art and Fashion Design, alongside home-grown talent from the London College of Fashion and Central St Martins College of Art and Design. Juries of the contest include Gosia Baczynska and Maciej Zien from T-Mobile Fashion.

“Since an increased influx of Eastern European to UK, working n all sort of jobs we felt there was something missing in terms of cultural communication,” explained Joanna Pietrzyk. Katarzyna Kwiatkowska, the main initiator (of the project) wanted to create something that would have common ground that would help build better relationships in a field of art and fashion between Poland and UK.” “It is about delivering something exciting, something that expresses beauty in another form to the one we are used to, silent communication of fashion sometimes says more about culture than its description and sometimes just reminds us how similar we are.” London has long had a reputation as one of the world’s leading fashion centres and its design schools are watched over every year by everyone from fashion houses to journalists trying to find the next great designers, photographers, illustrators and makeup artists. Poland is an emerging light in the fashion world; nobody is sure what to expect from it but everyone knows it will be something great. This is what it’s like when the two worlds collide.

STEPHANIE GHOUSSAIN The trick to making something outlandish work is always to commit fully. With the complete outfits of hats, shoes and full-length dresses, all covered in lurid patterns, there are few better examples of this than the work of Stephanie Ghoussain A surface textiles graduate from the London College of Fashion, Ghoussain combines elements of collage, sketching and computer design into colourful pieces that do their best to defy limitation. At times they look like the national dress of an African nation, at times like the illustrations in some psychedelic children’s book and at times the patterns are almost reinventions of classic paisley. There’s a refreshing modernity to the frankness with which these influences are used and the strength with which Ghoussain refuses to let them define her work.

Designer: Stephanie Ghoussain Photography: Pawel Niemczyk

Designer: Ola Kawalko Photography: Justyna Metrak-Radon



When struggling to make a name for themselves, designers have to avoid the two great dangers, the Scylla and Charybdis of the fashion world. On the one hand there’s the temptation to design something so groundbreaking it strays too far from clothing and becomes an interesting but impractical spectacle, on the other there’s the danger of your models walking down the catwalk in jeans and a t-shirt. Kawalko, a graduate of MSKPU in Warsaw, has walked the tightrope between these two with the ease of a circus performer. Her pieces are beautifully wearable yet breathtakingly stylish. Severe necklines and intricate fabrics combine to make pieces that you want, not just to look at but to actually wear.

Designer: Ola Kawalko Photography: Justyna Metrak-Radon


WALICKA At first glance Walicka’s models look like some of the best dressed superheroes you’ve ever seen. And, like superheroes, they manage to hold on to some very old-fashioned virtues whilst showing signs of changing fluidly with the times. Behind the sleek leather and PVC, fluted sleeves let slip the influence of very traditional Polish fashion whilst variations on modern classics like deconstructed suit jackets and blazers make Walicka’s work occupy that beautiful space where retro meets visions of the future. Like great Vodka these clothes are as Polish as they are international and like iPads, vinyl records and the Jetsons they are as timeless as they are looking to the future.

Designer: Anka Letycja Walicka Photography: Aneta Kowalczyk

Designer: Anka Letycja Walicka Photography: Aneta Kowalczyk

Words by Jon Madge



Homo Frisco

It’s never easy to express the inexpressible, but there is method in the Shaun Doyle and Mally Mallinson’s madness. Over the last decade Doyle and Mallinson have been sending out subliminal messages about contemporary society through bronze and mixed media sculptures, prints and works on paper, and their latest exhibition, titled ‘Mum Man’ carries that message with humour and cynicism. The title was chosen as it not only suggests a nickname for early hominids like ‘upright man’ but also as it references a change in the social role for men.

Homo Tesco Child

Ecce Homo Tesco

Homo Chavo

The ‘Ecce Homo’ works, namely ‘Ecce Homo Tesco’, the ‘Ecce Homo Suite’ of drawings, and ‘Homo Tesco (Bin Boy)’ all explore an imaginary branch of human evolution. ‘Homo Tesco (Bin Boy)’ depicts a skeletal figure clothed in a shopping bag, perched on a bin, clutching a rusty can opener. In this offshoot from the hominid family tree, Homo Tesco has evolved extended arms from shopping bag dragging and exists in a post apocalyptic world where family groups survive on so called value food and ready meals. The ‘Ecce Homo Suite’ of works on paper continues the artists’ speculation of specie groups, taking it to absurd lengths. Each Homo Erectus is overdrawn, modified and named to create a new hominid, highlighting the media’s penchant for creating stereotypes and ‘groups’ so that society can be neatly ordered. ‘Homo Disco’, ‘Home Chavo’, ‘Homo Anarchisto’ and ‘Asda Man’ all reflect the social, cultural or political forces that could have influenced the evolution of these ‘might have beens’. They are also speculative in the sense that human evolution has not reached any conclusion and Doyle and Mallinson’s ‘reconstructions’ are just as likely to have come from an article in The Sun as the New Scientist.

Homo Disco ‘Mum Man’ Shaun Doyle and Mally Mallinson Exhibition: 22 March – 27 April 2013 31 Museum Street London WC1A 1LH +44(0)20 7580 7001




very now and then, Laissez Faire gets hit by a seven ton truck and is sent sprawling all over London pavements. If I told you that analogue is the way forward, you’d imagine me sitting in a dark room rocking back and forth. Well, I’m telling you: whoever invented this next craft was a creative genius that deserves a place in history. Instead of black, white or grey, there’s a prism of colours: raw, and alarmingly beautiful, footage captured on Lomography analogue cameras. If photography was an Olympic sport, then this devastating camera would be on the rostra for a gold medal.

So what’s this Lomography is all about: In a nutshell, Lomography is a globally active organisation dedicated to experimental and creative visual expression, a playful combination of lo-tech and hi-tech, and a cultural institution involved in commercial photographic and design. We are dedicated to the unique imagery and style of analogue photography and will continue to contribute to its development! How did you re-discover the beauty of analogue in this technologically fastchanging environment – was it a conscious decision or by accident? The initial discovery of the LOMO LC-A camera was purely accidental...when two students in Vienna, Austria, stumbled upon the Lomo Kompakt Automat – a small, enigmatic Russian camera. Mindlessly taking the shot from the hip, and sometimes looking through the viewfinder, they were astounded with the mind-blowing photos that it produced – the colours were vibrant, with deep saturation and vignettes that framed the shot – it was nothing like they had seen before! Upon returning home, friends wanted their own Lomo LC-A, igniting a new style of artistic experimental photography that we now know as Lomography! Thereafter everything surrounding Lomography has been planned with great precision … Following the mania that ensued upon the introduction of Lomography, they flew to St. Petersburg to work out a contract for the worldwide distribution of this fantastic little camera. Soon, the ‘ten golden rules’ was set up as a guide to this analogue movement; followed by exhibitions, world congresses, parties, installations, collaborations and events. New products, films, and accessories were developed, and served as the communication hub for Lomographers globally. At the same time, Lomography Gallery Stores were put up all over the world.

RA EFFECT // OGUE Are other professional photographers more appreciative due to the fact you used old school analogue techniques?

Our world is one that embraces both amateur and professional photographers alike. They are ALL Lomographers to us, once they are shooting with our cameras, sharing on our website or just embracing our ideas. Do you use Photoshop to re-touch afterwards? Never, never, never – we believe fully in the power of the image as it stands. Lomography is all about ‘capturing the planet’ – warts and all.

1 Take your camera everywhere you go. 2 Use it any time – day and night. 3 Lomography is not an interference in your life, but part of it. 4 Try the shot from the hip. 5 Approach the objects of your Lomographic desire as close as possible. 6 Don’t think. 7 Be fast. 8 You don’t have to know beforehand what you captured on film. 9 Afterwards either. 10 Don’t worry about any rules. These rules encourage spontaneity and creativity and, in the democratic way that we treat all of our images, means that we DON’T DISCOUNT an image for being, possibly, slightly blurred or out of focus. These images are important to us too. However, most of our Lomographic community strives for years to be experts with their chosen camera/s. They work on their techniques with film, multiple exposure, light leaks and so on. They share photos, tips and experiences within the digital and social media channels and really look to create their own perfect style with whichever camera they are working with.

Can you achieve results that modern digital cameras cannot? Yes. There are lots of fake ideas out there trying to copy what we do – more and more we are finding that the digital design and photography worlds are attempting to emulate the spirit and essence of art that Lomography provides. They are succeeding in capturing small elements of what we do but will never succeed in recreating the global passion and commitment to pure analogue photography that is Lomography.

Interestingly, this positivity in embracing less than perfect images is really obvious when you see one of our exhibitions – a LomoWall. A LomoWall is a collection of hundreds, thousands, sometimes tens of thousands of real analogue photographs shown together. This is really the only way that we exhibit our community’s images and, in this format, the less than perfect shot, shown next to a more traditionally perfect shot, becomes equally as important in the overall artistic impression of the entire exhibition. It’s a truly democratic way to exhibit work and is a beautiful thing to see. Check out the Lomography website to see more examples of this.

What has been the reaction in photography circles? Total inclusion – we are, more recently, being invited by more traditional photography groups to show work, hold Q & As and share ideas. Laissez Faire has a real soft spot for things that are so bad that they come out of bad and straight back into good again – is this a fair analogy?

Where did you get the name Lomography?

No, our images are not ‘bad’. Most Lomographers would be really insulted with that analogy…I think it comes from the historical references that we have at Lomography – especially our ‘ten golden rules’:

It started as a reference word for the science of shooting with the classic LOMO LC-A camera and now pertains to the science of shooting with any of our cameras, being involved in what we do as a community member and being willing to share images and experiences within this world.

There is a world-wide Lomographic Society. What type of gatherings takes place? My God, where to start? I suppose the events that surround our Gallery Stores fall into four different types: Parties – Of course, we celebrate every new product we launch with a good old-fashioned knees-up of some sort. Camera Workshops – Both our London Lomography Gallery Stores run, almost daily, workshops from their designated workshop spaces. Here people can come along and learn the basics of Lomography, get some tips and techniques on a specific camera, make their own LomoWall panels, learn about different film types to use to achieve specific results. All sorts of stuff is possible. Processing Workshops – At our LomoLab in East London workshops are run where people can come along and learn about creative possibilities in film processing: instant coffee film processing, for example. All these workshops are listed on each Gallery Stores’ facebook page each month:

LomoWalks –We invite members of the public to come and take a stroll with us … shooting images all the time of course. We could take them to the fairground, have them wearing animal hoods to the river, go bowling or ice skating. We lend cameras and help with techniques before we head out and have some fun shooting. These events are an amazing way to meet people with similar creative interests at heart and an open mind for new experiences. Other, more random, stuff happens continually throughout the year in the Gallery Stores: Film night - LomoOlympics - Open Mic Nights. Then we go on-line. Here, there is a massive amount of events and participation that the public can get involved with: on-line rumbles (asking for specific imagery), comps, sharing films to make joint double exposure images. There is a magazine, interviews with LomoAmigos, tips and techniques and on-line workshops. There are a million ways to get involved in Lomography. Globally, we are active on the same level through all 37 countries where we have a presence. Every few years we hold a Lomography World Congress. This involves a couple of weeks of events held in a host country. Usually many hundreds of Lomographers come along from all over the world to take part.

It was held in London in 2007 to coincide with a massive LomoWall of 100,000 images that we erected in Trafalgar Square. So where did the road to success really kick off? People in the UK have, historically, been very open to the concept of Lomography. We have an amazingly creative community right here. Now, though, this has travelled out of Europe and we are now a genuinely world-wide community embracing America, Europe, Asia and Australasia. You have clearly achieved a lot in the game and built a strong reputation, but where do you aim to go next? Tell us more about the moves you are making in the UK? Who have you been collaborating with and what can you tell us about the way the scene works? Next for us? Well, we are developing more films, cameras and processing facilities. Our main goal is to be endlessly inspiring people. We are currently collaborating with people in the music and fashion business, arts and cultural institutions and art colleges.

What is your opinion about modern photography? What do you like and dislike? The interesting element of modern photography, for us, is that so many more people are now taking photographs. Thanks to the ease and cost efficiency of digital photography, many people have come to creative photography and are now looking for new kicks in their photographic life. Having recently discovered digital photography, they are now really open to experimenting with analogue photography and are totally relishing the diversity that it offers. We don’t really hate anything about photography – it’s what we love. Something interesting about us is that although all of our images are gathered through film – analogue – photography, the images themselves are used and shared fully within the digital world. All of our community is hugely active within all the social media channels and image sharing sites and so on. I think it’s lovely that all our analogue images survive so fiercely within the digital channels – we really embrace all sides of technology. Tell us more about your production style. How do you continuously roll out banger after banger? What are your secrets? We have a hugely talented team that listens constantly to what our community is looking for to help them enjoy their experimental, analogue photography to the max.

Who is your favorite photographer? Who do you aspire to emulate (if anyone)? The guys at dinner, I guess. There are many Lomographers that I hold in high regard: you can check their LomoHomes here to see examples of their work click on ‘most recent albums’ to peek at their work: Golfpunkgirl - Maya Newman - Mephisto 19 - Danny Edwards - Scootiepye - Do you have a party trick? Here at Lomoghraphy UK, we all have hidden party tricks: I’m (Linda Scott, Marketing Manager) the best bubble writer in the world. Heidi Mace – our on-line Marketing Manager - is a magnificent hula-hooper. Adam Scott – the GM for Lomography UK – can put both feet behind his neck at the same time. The Gallery Store managers Liana and Gemma are the most expert analogue people out there – they make tapes, they play golf, they drink Guinness and dance. Does Lomography have a party trick? Well, you get a lot of attention when you take out one of our cameras at a party, that’s for sure.

The Lomography Gallery Store East London 117 Commercial Street London E1 6BG 020 7426 0999

The Lomography Gallery Store London 3 Newburgh Street London W1F 7RE 020 7434 1466

INTERVIEW Words by Jon Madge:



successful comedy career should be pretty easy to spot. You trawl the circuits for a bit, get your own 3 part, 15 minute show on Radio 4 then hit the big time and make all your money from TV panel shows. Robert Newman hasn’t done that. The writer, stand-up, political activist and broadcaster first appeared on British TV as part of the Mary Whitehouse Experience, the same show that made the careers of Hugh Dennis and David Baddiel. Since then he’s been the first comedian to sell-out Wembley Arena, written 4 novels (the fourth is out soon) and managed to make some of the most complex political and social ideas both accessible and hilarious. He also has a new live show about to start touring and managed to find some time in what sounds like quite a full diary to tell us all about it, his new novel and why things could be much nicer.

Is there a link between your new book, The Trade Secret, and the stand up show? There's more of a link with the previous DVD/stand up show History of Oil because The Trade Secret is based on the true story of the first Elizabethans to discover oil and coffee. In Isfahan, seventeen year old servant Nat Bramble and his friend, the poet Darius Nouredini, strike out for secret oil wells said to lie under the abandoned Temple of Mithras. But their oil venture lights a trail of fire that follows Nat all the way back to the Pool of London where he is caught in the crossfire of the battle between the new King James and the Levant Company, the City's most powerful corporation. The forgotten (or rewritten) bits of history seem to be a consistent focus of your stand-up shows and your literature, what is it about these seldom-recounted bits of our past that interests you? Forgotten histories remind us of an important truth: there is nothing inevitable about the way we live now. The rich and powerful are very keen to make the existing structure of power look like a law of nature. It is not. The present set-up is purely arbitrary and flukey and, in the words of Spartacus, ‘things could be much nicer’. You’re doing quite a few venues in and around London, do you have a favourite to perform in? The best comedy club in London is the awesome Lolitics in the Black Heart in Camden. That's my absolute favourite to perform in. What have you been up to since the last tour? Oh man. When was the last tour? 2007? Well, since then I’ve had a couple of operations on my back and spent a year relearning how to walk. (I’m fully recovered now. Yes, sir. I can boogie. ). Wrote and recorded a BBC 4 TV show that no-one watched, not even my mum, then I became someone’s dad, and throughout it all I spent six years writing a swashbuckling adventure story called The Trade Secret. Your new show is called New Theory of Evolution, does it propose one? How does it differ from the old theory? My theory is that cooperation drives evolution more than competition. Is that new? I don’t think so because I also argue that Darwin thought the same thing too. But from Herbert Spencer’s ‘survival of the fittest’ (which Darwin hated) to Richard Dawkins’ Selfish Gene, evolutionary theory has been hijacked by a reductive, individualist philosophy that has left people with a narrow and pessimistic idea both of humanity and of nature. The good news is that recent advances in epigenetics and brain imaging are giving people a more complex, generous idea of human nature, and returning Darwinism to the Darwin who wrote: ‘Those communities which included the greatest number of the most sympathetic members would flourish best.’ The show contends that these are exciting times: the simultaneous collapse of both free market economics and selfish gene dogma clears a wonderful space for us to imagine other societies. And of course the two dogmas are linked in a tight double helix: Selfish Gene ideology came in with Maggie Thatcher’s ‘There is no such thing as society’ - an idea with which it has rather a lot in common - and is going out with the banking crash.

I am currently trying to persuade the Little Angel Puppet Theatre in Islington to have me. It's a fantastic room. I think it would be ace for comedy, but I haven't heard back from them yet. The most exciting London gig I ever did was when I did the Climate Camp at Heathrow. It was the only time I've had to get through a police cordon to get to the gig. And, because it was the night before the action, the atmosphere was electric, with TV crews from 100 countries outside the tent and not allowed in, and I loved the fact that the whole gig, the lights and sound were powered off-grid by Generator X's solar truck. Above all, the Climate Campers were such an inspiring crowd, I felt humbled to be performing to hundreds of these brave people who the next day were putting their bodies and their liberty on the line, by which time I was back home in monogrammed dressing gown and reading Variety magazine as the maid brought me breakfast in bed with the single rose I insist upon.

Robert Newman will be performing Robert Newman’s New Theory Of Evolution around London between 4th March and 4th May. More information at

BOOK REVIEW MAY WE BE FORGIVEN by A.M. Homes Granta Published 480pp £16.99

‘May we be forgiven,” an incantation, a prayer, the hope that somehow I come out of this alive. Was there ever a time you thought – I am doing this on purpose, I am fucking up and I don’t know why?’ with the bedside lamp. In the wake of her death, Harry finds his life being turned upside down: not only does his wife, unsurprisingly, decide to divorce him, but he is suddenly in charge of his brother’s pre-pubescent and somewhat precocious son Nate and daugher Ashley as well as the family home complete with pets. What follows is a mad picaresque roller coaster which involves internet affairs, an elderly couple suffering from dementia, a bar mitzvah in a remote South African village, the discovery that Harry’s pet project Nixon wrote short stories, a swinger’s party, another murder, a failed attempt at carjacking, a surprise wedding in an old people’s home and the infiltration of an experimental prison programme, culminating in another, far more peaceful Thanksgiving dinner where Harry finds himself surrounded by his surrogate, and now very much extended multicultural family – whose members may be as disparate and flawed (and in some cases racist) as ever but are ultimately bound by their love for each other.


his pitch-black American satire, the latest offering from the author of the bestselling novel This Book Will Save Your Life, opens on Thanksgiving in a suburb on the East Coast and charts a year in the life of Harold ‘Harry’ Silver, the first-person narrator. When we first meet him he is having Thanksgiving dinner at his brother George’s house, consumed by envy of his younger, taller, more successful sibling, and drooling over his wife Jane while George’s children sit, zombified, hunched over their ‘small screens’, ‘the only thing in motion their thumbs – one texting friends no one had ever seen, the other killing digitised terrorists.’ Then, when Jane unexpectedly kisses him in the kitchen, events are set in motion which shall change the lives for all concerned in ways none of them could ever have imagined. A few months later, George runs a red light and crashes into another car, killing the couple inside and orphaning their young son. When he escapes from the hospital and heads home, only to find his brother in bed with his wife, he smashes Jane’s head in

In many ways, May We Be Forgiven, despite its easy readability, is far from straightforward, meandering, episodic and complex as its themes and narrative strands are, but the very fact that it does not fit easily into one single category is one of its biggest strengths. One moment it is brimming with absurdity, the next it addresses serious themes such as puberty, middle age and, inescapably, old age, all set against a backdrop of the modern world in general and America in particular, where we find ourselves increasingly isolated from those to whom we are supposed to be closest, preferring instead to form transient relationships on the internet. Even such serious themes such as death, Third World poverty and senile dementia are tackled with Homes’ trademark dark, satirical humour. However, there is also something deeply moving and redeeming in the way in which Harry, arguably a deeply flawed anti-hero, takes on the responsibility of father and son, reluctantly at first, but eventually with great gusto and success, after years of wasting his life on a doomed book about Nixon – a burden which is finally expunged when an African witch doctor brings about a rather farcical and explosive cleansing. Truly original, highly topical and yet, I suspect, utterly timeless.

Words by Britt Pflüger

Literary scout, agent and literary consultant at Hardy & Knox

TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNED ABOUT LOVE by Sarah Butler she left Daniel and confessed all to her husband, determined to let him raise the child as his own. Now, more than thirty years and many jobs and dismal homes later, Daniel is a homeless elderly man roaming the streets of London in search of the daughter he has never known, a picture of his long-lost love in his pocket. He experiences words and letters as colours, and collects things other people have lost or no longer notice – a piece of coloured paper, a hair clip, a bottle top or a string of plastic pearls – to be given to his daughter once he finds her.

‘”If you stand still in a place, for long enough, it will show you itself. It takes time, but you find the patterns, and once you find them, you can start to feel at home.”’

Picador Published 277pp £12.99


hen thirty-three year old Alice arrives in London, back from yet another far-flung trip, her luggage lost in transit, it is to see her dying father. Alice has long been running away, from the dark family home in Hampstead, from her sisters Cee and Tilly, one a perfect but somewhat disapproving mother and housewife, the other in a difficult relationship with a married man who seems unwilling to leave his wife, but mostly from her ex Kal, a Hindu doctor who was always intent on keeping their relationship a secret from his family. As Malcolm, the only father she has ever known, lies dying in his bedroom, her real father Daniel is not a million miles away. Alice’s mother Julianne, who died in a car crash when she was four, had an affair with a charismatic and capricious man she met at the National Gallery. When she found herself pregnant

In Hampstead, Malcolm finally slips away, taking his secret with him. Overcome by grief, and distraught by an ultimately futile reunion with Kal, Alice throws herself into getting the house ready for sale. Then, little pieces of artful ‘rubblish’ suddenly start to appear on the wall outside the house, and a strange homeless man turns up after Malcolm’s funeral and says he knew her mother. Alice’s sisters seem apprehensive, but who is this dishevelled stranger who has clearly seen better days? Over the following summer weeks, both Alice and Daniel drift across London, Daniel too frightened to tell her the truth, Alice debating whether to run away again. And still the mysterious offerings appear on her doorstep...

TEN THINGS I’VE LEARNT ABOUT LOVE is a richly satisfying and intelligent read, as compelling as it is moving, and beautifully told. While Alice convinces as the lost ‘child’, on the run from a relationship in which she felt just as sidelined as in her family, Daniel’s story is utterly heartbreaking, from his childhood with a distant father who killed himself when his gambling debts got the better of him, to his all-consuming love for Julianne (who is portrayed as a bit of a femme fatale but is arguably the least well developed character here), and his lonely walks across London on which he sees beauty in things discarded by strangers and empathises with other homeless men. Daniel’s legacy to his daughter is to ‘stand still’, to stop running and reassess the beauty around her, to allow herself to feel and dare to be different. This is a novel of quiet shifts of character and outlook rather than dramatic event, and all the more stirring and believable for that, coupled with great clarity of writing. It is the story of one man’s unconditional love for his daughter – but it is also the story of his love for London, which itself becomes a major character in this absorbing and satisfactorily inconclusive tale.


There’s more great unsigned music from around London every Sunday afternoon at:

And if you want to be on the show, just go to the site and get in touch.

Words by Jon Madge:



The boat of popular music is rocking and I’m not entirely sure I want to get off.


here are three things that are true about music now that weren’t true a month ago. Number one, the only place that sells it on the high street is closing down. Two, it’s being described as one of the causes of the Syrian revolution. And three, David Bowie is no longer retired.

I know how I feel about two of these things, I’m proud and I’m excited, but HMV going into administration is harder to decide on. It was nice to be able to go and look at music, to browse and to not have to get it as an mp3 if I wanted. The flip side of that coin is that it rarely had anything that anyone I know wanted, alongside a painfully ironic choice of t-shirts. When the US finally said goodbye to Tower Records, the boarded-up branches were replaced in less than a year with independent, local music shops. All of which seem to be doing business just fine. With the quantity of unsigned bands that I hear every week going up, and the quality never dipping, I can only hope the same thing happens here. In anticipation of that shopping spree, here are a few great bands to look and listen out for. One of them was even nice enough to tell us a bit about themselves.

G i l e s L i k e s Te a Some fans call it folk, some indie, Giles Likes Tea describe themselves as gypsy folk pop. They’re all wrong. This seven piece powerhouse defies any genre almost as quickly as they reinvent it. Their slick melodies and catchy vocal riffs have flashes of klezmer blended with ska one minute and are channelling the edgier elements of the British folk revival the next. To hear them is a joy, to witness them live an experience.

D a v i d G r o u t Tr i o Sincerity, so they say, is the key. Fake that and you’ve got it made. Sometimes it feels like that’s the advice musicians take, singing songs about heartache their smiling faces have luckily avoided. With David Grout that was never the case. Now his tender, honest lyricism has evolved into a band that offer more of the same but with the sort of warm, rich sound that we all need. At least until it stops snowing for good.

Hitchcock Blonde


itchcock Blonde are a four that are as striking visually as they are musical. Their blend of influences is broad, their sound is eclectic (but always danceable) and their live gigs are better shows than most things on in the West End. Finding some time in a ludicrously full schedule of live dates, recordings and new releases they talked to us about music, wrestling and Tippi Hedren.

First things first, who are Hitchcock Blonde? Hello. We are Ella from Scotland, Drew from Belgium, Joss from Dorset and Ben from Birmingham, all living in Ealing. And second things hot on their heels, how did you all meet? I, Ella, met Joss in the summer of 2009 and said, ‘Let’s do a band!’ He got the others together and we made a band. Is there a story behind the name? Given you used to be called Avenge Vulture Attack, is there a fear of being pecked to death by birds involved somewhere? Our Hitchcock roots definitely stemmed out from the avian vein of Avenge Vulture Attack. We were drawn to this image of a blonde woman, seemingly innocent but turning into an avenging mistress when under attack.

Your sound has lots of different influences, and you all have very different styles, was that something you consciously planned when the band was getting together? No! Creatively we leave the writing unplanned and let all our styles amalgamate somewhere into this blend of what we have. There's all sorts of compromises and wrestling involved but it makes it more fun that way.

What can we expect from the new EP ‘Five Pounds’? Is it a taster of EPs to come? Expect six Hitchcock Blonde Songs. I like them, have a listen, you might like ‘em too. What we’re writing at the moment is a little different, nothing crazy different but an older-skool-er rock sound. We’ve got a song about Spiderman which I love, it’s called ‘Araknahump’.

Your live gigs are real visual performances, how have you developed your stage-craft? Thank you! You’re welcome It’s come through playing together a lot, through becoming better friends, hanging out...and the wrestling.

If you want to see and hear more Hitchcock Blonde, there are samples, gig dates and chances to buy albums at:


undance returned to London for four days last month at the 02 Arena, headed by the president and founder, Robert Redford, and the festival’s director John Cooper. The festival offered a varied mix of some of the films that were originally screened in Park City Utah in January. Londoners got a chance to see independent films made by new and emerging filmmakers: Francesca Gregorini, whose film Emanuel and the Truth About Fishes a darkly humorous film that moves between surrealism and realism but incorporating suspense. Lake Bell, director, writer and star of her first feature In A World, a rich and original comedy about voice-over artists for trailers etc. She personally introduced her film and stayed for a Q & A afterwards and to meet anyone who wanted to talk to her. What a wonderful effervescent person, just like her film. Jeremy Lovering’s In Fear, a visceral thriller that concerns a young couple lost in a maze of country roads and targeted by an unknown tormentor. Shane Carruth’s Upstream Color, a romantic thriller seeking truths that lies beyond our reach. Last but not least, Mud starring Matthew McConaughey and directed by Jeff Nichols, who is a rare talent who showed so much promise with Take Shelter and confirms one’s belief in him with this, only his third feature. So the sun sets on Sundance London for another year and I cannot wait for its return.




lek, aka the Vulture, (Michal Zebrowski) is assigned to a mysterious case where people are disappearing without trace. Aleksander appears to be emotionless, seemingly a loner, incorruptible, yet has the ability to totally focus on his job to discover what has happened to these missing people. He is no ordinary policeman – he is the best. So begins an investigation that soon accelerates into a very dangerous game where the players lead double lives. For The Vulture he finds himself surprisingly side-tracked when he meets gym instructor Natasza (Anna Przybylska) who has a son who is seriously ill in hospital and in need of a heart transplant. Aleksander visits her son who has always wanted to meet a policeman, and slowly Aleksander realizes that he is falling in love with Anna. Meanwhile he is being outsmarted every step of the way in locating a crime syndicate behind the killings of the missing people and instead finds himself manipulated and caught in a deadly trap. The best Polish thriller I have ever seen, taut, tense and nail-bitingly suspenseful. A well executed screenplay, superb direction and acting. Zebrowski is memorable as The Vulture, playing him as a tough unsmiling professional, appearing to the outside world as cold and hard, yet in a poignant scene at the beginning of the film we see him at his apartment lovingly talking to and feeding his cat. Again in scenes with Anna and her son, he betrays his true feelings, but not in a sentimental way: with the dying boy he doesn’t weep but shows him how to handle a gun with a gentle understanding of giving something of himself to the boy. It is hard to believe that THE VULTURE is Konan’s first film as a writer and director, it is a remarkable achievement. LF: Eugene, it is a very powerful film, what compelled you to make it? EK: I think you have to be passionate about making a film and determined to get it made. You cannot worry whether the film is politically correct or not but just believe in your subject. I made the film for the audience that is always my priority. LF: Michal & Eugene: There are many tender moments in the film. Your relationship with your cat which I thought was quite moving and said a lot about your character. And then with the young boy in hospital who needs to find a donor for him to live. Were those scenes difficult to play or direct? MZ: Filming with the cat was a nightmare, but it was shot quickly. With the dying boy I didn’t want to show emotion and be crying, so because I knew how he loved the idea of being a policeman, I showed him my gun and that made him feel happy and for a moment took his mind off dying. EK: I am a cat lover and wanted to show that The Vulture was warm and tender with his pet, but once he leaves his apartment he is the professional, hard, cold and emotionless. The outside world must not see his softness, but then he meets Anna... LF: Michal & Eugene: You both have a very firm connection with the theatre, Michal a founding member of the Sixth Floor Theatre in Warsaw and Eugene your own theatre company. How important do you think it is to you both to have theatrical experience when it comes to making a film?

The Vulture is being screened exclusively at Cineworld Cinemas across the UK as well as in Ireland.

EK: It is very important but filming is a totally different medium and The Vulture could not be confined to the stage. But in the theatre you rehearse and that is what I got the cast to do prior to filming. LF: Eugene, you have staged Woody Allen’s plays in Poland. Could you tell me a little bit about that? EK: Woody Allen is very popular in Poland. I directed his play Central Park West, which wasn’t successful in America, but was a resounding success in Poland. LF: Michal, do you have a favourite actor who has inspired you? MZ: Anthony Hopkins. One of my favourite films is Shadowlands. I mentioned that he would soon be seen in Hitchcock, playing the master of suspense; a comment which produced a knowing and appreciative smile from both of them. I asked the producer of The Vulture, Sylwia Wilkos what led her to working as a film producer after studying to be a lawyer. SW: It has always been my ambition to be a film producer and I just had to make a decision to go for it and I did. It resulted in me making a successful TV series: Conversations with the Master, which broadcasted on TVN and TVN 24. LF: And this led to now producing your first narrative feature The Vulture. Are you happy with the results? SW: Yes, it is a very powerful film. Perhaps it could have been shortened by ten minutes, but besides that I was very pleased. LF: And what comes next? SW: My next film is already in production. A political drama called Jack Strong, which is being shot in Poland, Russia and America.




Directed by Terrence Malick Starring: Ben Affleck, Olga Kurylenko, Rachel McAdams


errence Malick’s films are challenging both for audiences who see them and actors who play in them. TO THE WONDER is, like THE TREE OF LIFE, for discerning cinemagoers who can appreciate and respect an artist’s craft; difficult only if one expects to follow a conventional narrative. The film was made without any script, no actor knowing where their character might end or even if their part or scene they were playing would be in the finished film or end up on the *cutting room floor. Dialogue is secondary to narration, movement favoured to stillness; visual images which are generally shot at sunset are always paramount to everything else including plot. The male lead, Ben Affleck, plays Neil an engineer who has fallen in love with Marina (Olga Kurylenko) while in France. Their passionate affair is acted out against a backdrop of Parisian parks and avenues and the magnificent Mont Saint-Michel in Normandy. Most of these sequences are narrated by Marina, and while she dances and cavorts in rejoicing her feelings of love, Neil remains stoically taciturn. He agrees to take Marina and her 10-year old daughter to the US with him on a tourist visa. At first they are enamoured with their new surroundings but then slowly as Marina begins to question her love for Neil and her daughter gets homesick, amour evaporates. For Neil it is momentarily rekindled when he meets Jan (Rachel McAdams) a lovely childhood friend. While their affair blossoms, we are shown the sadness and confusion facing a priest, Father Quintana (Javier Bardem). Like the faltering feelings of Neil and Marina, Father Quintana is becoming increasingly disillusioned. The film is beautifully cinematographed by Emmanuel Lubrezki, images that will stay embedded in my mind forever. There is also an incredible acting performance by Romina Mondello who plays Marina’s friend and leaves an indelible impression. Olga Kurylenko could not praise Malick enough as a director. His method, she said, was so liberating for an actor. She worked on the voiceovers for over a year, and said that you never really leave a Malick film. *Like most of Malick’s films they are crafted in the editing room and many roles are never seen: Rachel Weisz and Jessica Chastain never made the final cut.

Words by Brian Mills

Follow Movies-by-Mills at:


Thanks for all the jokes you have sent in. You lot clearly love this page! Try to keep them clean though London, some of these are really pushing it. Sorry for any offence caused.

Illustrated by: Alvaro Arteaga

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!” “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

Evils of Liquor A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. “Now, class. Observe the worms closely,” said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. “Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the professor asked. Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!” Generous lawyer A local government fund-raising office realised that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least £500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the fund-raiser mumbled, “Um ... no.” The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?” The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “...or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea...” On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

The Less You Know, The More You Make “Salary Theorem” states that “Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People.” This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates: 1. Knowledge is Power. 2. Time is Money. As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time Since: Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money It follows that: Knowledge = Work/Money. Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge. Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done. Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make. Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”


Artist: Yoanna Pietrzyk in collaboration with Facehunter. /

This is no time to hang about, so take a good look at yourself and make that change. As usual, a disclaimer is needed as these are only the premonitions of our grumpy star gazer and not the views of Laissez Faire!







Monday nights is affair night. If you go to any pub near a mainline station on a Monday night, particularly with a discreet basement, there will be several examples of brief and doomed love taking place before train journeys back to the suburbs. Before heading home, remember to wipe the lipstick from your collar and any gum that may find its way into your underwear.

Although you are normally very down to earth, you may begin to be interested in the more spiritual side of your life. Angels, meditation, yoga, channelling, and ESP are all grist for mill. Your dreams may be especially vivid, so much so that you feel moved to start a dream diary. Listen to your intuition on Thursday because it could bring a very fortunate event your way.

One of the things you’ve always liked about your life is how seemingly lucky you are. Expect big changes this week, ya jammy plonker. Someone will approach you today with an attitude you cannot get on with at all.

This month is a series of blunders that follow each other. All your problems cannot be solved by putting them in on basket full of eggs. All this week you are set for uncontrollable setbacks to all your plans. There’s nothing you can do, so you might as well start being awful to people you suspect might cause your setbacks

Business cloths are not suitable for the swimming baths. Please take extraordinary ideas about personal freedom elsewhere. Whilst bad things can happen in quick succession, it takes an absolute genius to screw up an entire life within 30 minutes.

Your spoiled and selfish ways must change if you are to become a better person. You will be loved only for your incredibly large endowments. Try to absorb plants into your skin in order to make yourself into some kind of Marvel Super Hero. Everything you think about yourself will not be called into question this week.






Romantic evenings are much overrated. Instead of romance, think about mutated pigs. All of your aims are achievable, although many of them would involve bionic implants and a lot of theft. Three is the magic number, because some people have a magic superfluous nipple which can change the colour of the sky.

You are trapped in a cave with a panther and a sound system playing Michael Bolton’s greatest hits. What do you do? Dave is not a name you want to associate with this month. Dave may be the devil’s spawn. It’s hard to tell. Experimenting with animals isn’t always wrong. Here’s a handy hint: If you are smuggling drugs, take a catnip.

All the yearnings you have will all of a sudden find explosive release this week. Cold winds encircle your future. Cartoon fun can be yours if you pick up the right set of pencils and think really hard about drawing.

Horrible smells and green patches on your body may make your day turn sour. Screaming loudly only serves to wake the neighbours. They’ll only investigate once they’re sure you’re dead and the murderer has left the crime scene. Think of a number. Now times that number by eighteen. I can confidently predict that your number does not rhyme with “Golfing Umbrella”.

Paper can cut, and words can hurt. Which is why you should burn any mail that comes through the letterbox - preferably while still in the postman’s hands. Christmas may seem like it’s just round the corner, but really that’s just nonsense.


Having a secret agenda is all very good, but posting it on your blog/company intranet is not advisable. Take your time over getting where you’re going today. You are only going to have shitty things happen when you get there. Feel free to go dancing until 3am with various transsexuals at a local notorious disco. Only this way will you be able to say “I’ve danced till the early morn with some crazy bender lady-boys!”.

Laissez Faire London Issue 15  

Laissez Faire: the last true adventurer, full of bravery and spunk, with a vast repertoire of stories about taking risks, about how he had a...

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