with Phil Bunton
I nodded sagely and lapsed into silence for
My beautiful wife Candice loves this time of
the next hour or so. But Candice and her total
day. She’s got at least two giant closets to lose
strangers were getting on like a house on fire.
herself in while she’s picking today’s outfit. But
“I love your hair. Where do you get it done?”
then she’s a very stylish woman. I’m not. The
“How many kids do you have?”
difference between us is she’s a fashionista.
“Have you seen that new boutique in New
I’m a fashion not-sa. In fact, you might just call
City? It has the most beautiful teaspoons.”
me a slob.
At the end of the evening, Bob and I shook
It’s a major social event for her. As she’s getting
hands and lied to each other. “It was so nice
dressed and beautified she talks to her friends
on the phone, catches up on everybody’s lives. When I’m dressed, Candice will say: Didn’t you
Our wives were laughing together and promising
look in the mirrors? Your hair’s standing on end
to meet up for a shopping trip next week. For
and your navy sweater doesn’t go with those
my part, I only have one thing to say: Bob and
black pants. Duh.
What’s Wrong With Men?
I are NEVER going to meet up for a shopping
I ask the question because of what happened
trip. We’ll spend the rest of our lives, savoring
to my wife Candice and I when we attended
our two conversational exchanges.
Just let me just have my breakfast.
a wedding the other day. It was a beautiful ceremony and Candice and I ended up sitting
Finally, here are some dumb jokes if you
with three lovely couples, whom we’d never
The Naked Truth
met before. Within minutes, Candice and the
I must confess I’m not a morning person. The
three women were chatting away like old, old
sound of birds chirping outside my window
drives me nuts.
On the male side of the table, it was very
But the thing I hate most is I hate getting
different - oh so pathetic. I turned to the guy
dressed. Don’t worry – I’m not planning to walk
nearest me - a nice fellow about my age.
naked down Main Street.
“Hi I’m Phil,” I said.
run out of things to say at a wedding: • Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? A barber. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. And then it dawned on me. • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just
But the whole business of getting dressed is “Oh, hi,” he said, pausing while he presumably
such a waste of time. When I get up, I want
tried to recall his moniker. “I’m Bob.”
my breakfast and to start work. With nothing
We were so stunned by the apparent wisdom
can’t put it down. • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
of what we’d just said that we sat there for about ten minutes pondering what we were
Instead I have to shower, shave and – worst
• What do you call a dinosaur with an
going to say next.
of all, decide what I’m going to wear. Black
extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.
pants or navy. Roll neck sweater or V neck. Finally I said: “Horrible weather, isn’t it?”
Black or navy socks. Dress shoes or sneakers.
“Yes,” he replied. “But just wait until Wednesday.”
It’s a tough job.
• Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last.