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with Phil Bunton

I nodded sagely and lapsed into silence for

My beautiful wife Candice loves this time of

the next hour or so. But Candice and her total

day. She’s got at least two giant closets to lose

strangers were getting on like a house on fire.

herself in while she’s picking today’s outfit. But

“I love your hair. Where do you get it done?”

then she’s a very stylish woman. I’m not. The

“How many kids do you have?”

difference between us is she’s a fashionista.

“Have you seen that new boutique in New

I’m a fashion not-sa. In fact, you might just call

City? It has the most beautiful teaspoons.”

me a slob.

At the end of the evening, Bob and I shook

It’s a major social event for her. As she’s getting

hands and lied to each other. “It was so nice

dressed and beautified she talks to her friends

meeting you.”

on the phone, catches up on everybody’s lives. When I’m dressed, Candice will say: Didn’t you

Our wives were laughing together and promising

look in the mirrors? Your hair’s standing on end

to meet up for a shopping trip next week. For

and your navy sweater doesn’t go with those

my part, I only have one thing to say: Bob and

black pants. Duh.

What’s Wrong With Men?

I are NEVER going to meet up for a shopping

I ask the question because of what happened

trip. We’ll spend the rest of our lives, savoring

to my wife Candice and I when we attended

our two conversational exchanges.

Just let me just have my breakfast.

a wedding the other day. It was a beautiful ceremony and Candice and I ended up sitting

Finally, here are some dumb jokes if you

with three lovely couples, whom we’d never

The Naked Truth

met before. Within minutes, Candice and the

I must confess I’m not a morning person. The

three women were chatting away like old, old

sound of birds chirping outside my window


drives me nuts.

On the male side of the table, it was very

But the thing I hate most is I hate getting

different - oh so pathetic. I turned to the guy

dressed. Don’t worry – I’m not planning to walk

nearest me - a nice fellow about my age.

naked down Main Street.

“Hi I’m Phil,” I said.

run out of things to say at a wedding: • Who can shave 20 times a day and still have a beard? A barber. • I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. And then it dawned on me. • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just

But the whole business of getting dressed is “Oh, hi,” he said, pausing while he presumably

such a waste of time. When I get up, I want

tried to recall his moniker. “I’m Bob.”

my breakfast and to start work. With nothing

We were so stunned by the apparent wisdom

in between.

can’t put it down. • I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

of what we’d just said that we sat there for about ten minutes pondering what we were

Instead I have to shower, shave and – worst

• What do you call a dinosaur with an

going to say next.

of all, decide what I’m going to wear. Black

extensive vocabulary? A Thesaurus.

pants or navy. Roll neck sweater or V neck. Finally I said: “Horrible weather, isn’t it?”

Black or navy socks. Dress shoes or sneakers.

“Yes,” he replied. “But just wait until Wednesday.”

It’s a tough job.

• Don’t worry about old age. It doesn’t last.

Profile for Arlene Levine

Rivertown Magazine February 2019  

Rivertown Magazine February 2019