with Phil Bunton
As we get older that thought gets more dominant in our minds. But if you have to get older, Florida is the place to be. Yes, the Fountain of Youth really is in Florida even though Ponce De Leon never found it.
Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying! Recently I had a big reunion with some guys I used to work with way back when newspapers still existed. Do you remember them? We sat down full of anticipation of the funny stories we had to tell. But after ten minutes, we realized that none of us could remember the funny ones. We sat around for the next 30 minutes complaining about our prostates and bowel movements and other fun things you face as you get older. The conversation finally got me down: OK, I’ve had enough. Maybe it’s time to retire.
What amazes me every time I visit Florida is how friendly everyone is. Even the ex-New Yorkers say hi when you walk past them. It’s great. One of the highlights of my most recent trip was that Candice gave me a wonderful birthday surprise. We went on a gorgeous cruise to the Bahamas. We ate like gluttons and had a wonderful time. On board the ship they played constant music from our past – just slightly changing the words. For example: “You’re so Varicose Vain” by Carly Simon “How Can You Mend a Broken Hip” by the BeeGees “Once Twice Three Trips to the Bathroom” by the Commodores “I Get By With a Little Help from Depends,” by the Beatles “You Can’t Always Pee When You Want” by the Rolling Stones “I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts” by Marvin Gaye
Two elderly Florida women, Marie & Edith, were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. Edith in the passenger seat thought to herself: “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, and the light was red again. Again they went right though. This time Edith was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through. She turned to the Marie and said, “Marie! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Marie turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”
Rivertown Magazine, April 2019