INCONSEQUENTIAL NEWS QUIZ
RESCUE 911 EDITION
PLAY AT HOME, WHILE NOT DRILLING YOUR NUTSACK. 1) In March, Charles Ferris, 50, of Rogers came to the emergency room with a painful bruise to his upper chest. According to police, what did Ferris tell ER personnel about how the bruise got there? A) “Never let a parakeet snort cocaine, man.” B) He’d chest-bumped his bro a little too hard when Duke lost to Michigan State. C) It was the result of a “Game of Thrones”themed dirt bike jousting tournament gone wrong. D) He said he had been paid to act as a bodyguard for a person he referred to as “the asset,” and, while wearing a bulletproof vest, had been shot by a mysterious man in a white suit.
5) Mitchell’s win was even more impressive given that in August 2018, he suffered an injury that many feared might end his career. What was the injury? A) Burns from a moonshine still explosion. B) He lost an eye during a tussle with an angry pig. C) Slipped into a coma after eating too many Texas Roadhouse yeast rolls. D) Lacking a tool belt during a home improvement project, he stuck a cordless drill down the front of his pants, accidently hit the trigger, and — as he put it in a social media post that included a gruesome photo of the bloodsoaked crotch of his boxer shorts — “I ripped my nutsack in half.”
2) After police talked to Ferris’ wife, a different story of how Ferris received the injury emerged. What, according to police, did she tell them? A) Ferris and his neighbor, Christopher Hicks, 36, were drinking on Ferris’ back deck when Ferris put on a bulletproof vest and told Hicks to shoot him in the chest. B) Hicks shot Ferris once in the chest with a .22 caliber rifle. C) Ferris, who his wife said was “pissed” about how much the shot hurt, had Hicks put on the vest, then Ferris “unloaded the [rifle’s] clip into Christopher’s back.” D) All of the above. Luckily, the vest worked, though both Hicks and Ferris were later arrested.
6) Speaking of bifurcated nutsacks, having run out of pressing issues to address, the Arkansas legislature passed a measure March 20 that takes aim at a certain foodstuff. Which food gets a thumbs down in what is now Act 501? A) Honey Bunches of Rationality. B) I Can’t Believe It Ain’t Squirrel Fat. C) Cranka-Cola. D) Cauliflower rice, minced cauliflower bits, which — in a move sure to delight the state’s rice lobby — state law now bans from being marketed as “rice.”
3) A Little Rock institution announced on April Fool’s Day it would close, but it was no joke. What’s closing? A) Jabbo’s Bait and Pets. B) Stop ’n’ Rob of Greater Little Rock. C) D-bags Without Borders. D) Cajun’s Wharf in Riverdale, which opened in 1975. 4) Featherweight mixed martial arts fighter Bryce “Thugnasty” Mitchell, a Texarkana native, gave a post-fight interview that quickly went viral after his March win over opponent Bobby Moffett in Nashville, Tenn. Which of the following were included? A) A triumphant request for his Papaw to call his Momma and tell her he was taking her out for steak (which he later clarified as a trip to Texas Roadhouse). B) Throwing shade at the haters who said he wasn’t supposed to be there because “Arkansas ain’t worth a piss.” C) A barbaric yawp for Reebok to make him some camo shorts. D) All of the above.
7) In March, CNN reported on the case of former Little Rock-based Immigration and Customs Enforcement Officer Brent Oxley, who was fired by ICE in May 2018. Why was Oxley reportedly fired? A) Didn’t follow ICE procedure when securing the doors of baby cages. B) His Inhuman Cruelty scores just weren’t up to snuff. C) He refused to wear his armband and brown shirt. D) An ICE investigation found he had forged his supervisor’s signature on arrest warrants for undocumented immigrants who had been jailed on unrelated charges, which allowed the immigrants to be put into deportation proceedings.
''Papaw call Mom ma and tell her we are taking her out for steak''
A CRA N K
ANSWERS: D, D, D, D, D, D, D 10 MAY 2019
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