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Work doWntoWn? try Snap FitneSS

We can’t win ’em all, friends. Some of our picks, possibly made under the influence of too much spiked egg nog, are just plain bad. Here’s a few of the ones that didn’t make the cut. (Note: the following rejected editor’s picks may or may not reflect actual, on-this-plane-of-existence reality).

WITh 24/7 aCCess for memBers

Where to go for some outdoor whoopee

How To Access Us

Worried about hook-handed murderers slipping up on you and your honey while you’re fogging up the windows of your Subaru some night? Fearful of a misplaced Foryour a no charge assessment 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, knee knocking it out of gear so you and nook-buddy roll into the river? Well, simply call us at: 501-316-1255 or 800-264-5640 au naturale canoodler, worry no longer. The best place in Little Rock fororoutdoor visit us theBig web Dam at: lovin’ is in the parking lot at the south end ofonthe Bridge, under the watchoffer a Police mobile assessment that is available in most areas ful, unblinking eye of one of the LittleWeRock Department’s new network of appointment. high-tech surveillance cameras. That’sbyright. Now you can make the growing, constitutionally questionable surveillance state work for you! It’s just like “The Dark Knight,” except that, instead of Christian Bale in skintight rubber protectively watching over you from the top of that streetlamp, it’s a balding cop in a too-tight polo shirt ... miles away ... alone ... in a darkened room. Best of all, if you want a reminder of that Bad Moon Risin’ moment, the LRPD’s cameras record 24/7, and the footage is accessible by any citizen through the Freedom of Information Act. Perfect for next year’s divorce proceeding and/or video Christmas card!

Where to pick up men

In The Victory Bldg • 1401 W. Capitol • 246-8266

New beginnings are possible at Rivendell.

Emotional And Behavioral Health Services For Adults Continuum Of Care Offers:

A Place For New Beginnings.

Ladies, are you tired of sipping crantinis with friends (the Virginal One, the Directions Rivendell:Parker One) while bemoanSlutty One, the Boring One and you, the SarahtoJessica 100 eligible Rivendell Drive | Benton, AR 72019 ing the fact that you can never find any men in Little Rock? Where does From Little Rock, take I-30 Westgym? toward Mostly Hot Springs/Texarkana a woman-on-the-go find a guy in Central Arkansas? The gay dudes. • Take exit 121 (AlcoaToo Road)many serial killers hiding Since 1985, our goal has been to provide the best to Rohypnol. Bars? Hope you’re not allergic Church? Turn right onto Alcoa Road, at the stoplight turnaright ontowho inand plain No,care thiswhile is a new world,• and a new economy! You need man psychiatric behavioral Highwaythe 5. Rivendell Drive of is the first street on thekeyboard, left. can stride boldly into the 21st century, clean crud out your laptop supporting the whole family. New beginnings are posand make you a bundle in tech. That’sFrom why best Hot the Springs, takeplace Hwy 70to Eastpick to I-30up Easteligible guys sible at Rivendell where ourArkansas mission is “changing Little Rock in Central is Z82 lives Retrocadetoward in Sherwood. You heard in the affirmative, • Take exitmotherboards 121 (Alcoa Road) and a room full of vinhuman female: the smell of fried wiring, hot through compassionate healing.” • Turn left onto Alcoa Road directions above) tage, carefully-restored console arcade games from the (follow Reagan administration is your ticket to a big house in San Francisco’s Presidio Heights (just a short commute to Silicon Valley) and vacations with Bill and Melinda Gates on the French Rivera. It’s easy: Just put on your sexiest “Gabe Newell is God” T-shirt, dab a little processor thermal paste behind your ears, wiggle up to that guy going for the high score on “Dig Dug,” and say: “Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket, handsome? Because I’d love to kick your ass at ‘Mortal Kombat II.’ ”


What to drink after a fun weekend Ever had one of those crazy nights on the town that leave you worrying over every cold sore for the rest of the year and periodically muttering “unclean! unclean!” while showering? We sure have. That’s why having a product in town like Hank’s Old Fashioned Memory Wipe is so important. Hank Bumpus was a veteran mechanic at a Honda dealership in North Little Rock before his manager caught him after hours one night trying to make tender love to a blue Civic he’d named Nancy Spinatra. Shitcanned and tormented by the pain of that bitter parting, Hank went out to his garage in August 2011 and mixed up a potent concoction of used motor oil, vodka, jock itch cream, lye, Pepsi, helicopter fuel, hydrocodone, mustache wax, the blue supermeth from “Breaking Bad” and Wite-Out, then downed it. Though his suicide attempt failed, ever since then, Hank’s Old Fashioned Memory Wipe — still proudly bottled in that same garage (FUN FACT: Thanks to an Indian Treaty signed in 1879, the Food and Drug Administration has no jurisdiction in Levy) — has been helping those who get the periodic “take me now, Lord” shivers scoop troubling old memories out of their brains quicker than you can say “Leonard Shelby.” It’s guaranteed to either kill you, or totally obliterate the last week. Either way, you’ll be free of those booze-cloudy flashes of running from the cops, pressing your butt cheeks against the window at The Flying Saucer, and eating fried chicken naked with a dude who looked like a cast member from “Duck Dynasty.”

- Acute Inpatient Hospitalization - Partial Hospitalization - Adult Psychiatric Services - Adult Dual Diagnosis Services Confidential assessments are provided 24 hours a day at no charge. Call today to determine a program that is appropriate for you and your loved ones.


100 Rivendell Drive, Benton Most insurance, TriCare, Medicare and Medicaid (AR KIDS A) accepted.

Changing lives through compassionate healing for over 28 years!

Special introductory rate for new Spa clientS: SwediSh maSSage or biodynamic facial for juSt $5000

JANUARY 2, 2014


Arkansas Times - January 2, 2014  

Arkansas Times Native Guide 2014

Arkansas Times - January 2, 2014  

Arkansas Times Native Guide 2014