The Appleberry Cove
Volume 42, Issue 2
The Word In The Hall With your’s truly, Sturdent X One of the professors may have a history of marrying rich men who die shortly after. There may be as many as three skeletons already in her closet. Has this antifreeze favoring brunette set her sights on our leader? The school cats, Pluto and Mars. have taken to sleeping with the students rather than in their usual place. A reliable source hints that this may be because there's no longer room for them where they usually sleep. I'm told a certain well endowed young woman has been showing of her "gifts." It's not clear if she's making a habit of this, or if it was a one time thing. Who knows? Be aware gentleman ... and ladies. A certain carrot-like lady gamer was seen leaving a staff member's room late at night. What on earth could this student have been doing? Perhaps she was just receiving some tutoring. A reliable source tells us that the school drama teacher may have been trained by Shaolin monks.” Mysterious lights in the skys, as well as the absence of certain students, has lead some to believe that aliens are secretly abducting people from ACA. A redhead was caught between a brunette and a blond at the pool party and was kissed by the wrong one.
Proposed Bill Threatens Rights of Gifted Individuals
gifted individuals, as well as forbidding gifted professors from teaching in non-gifted schools. Anyone with powers has the While most feel that the bill is potential to become a terrible perblatant discrimination, those that son, to commit terrible crimes. support it claim that, in this Most choose not to follow case, “the well-being of the such a path, but those that do majority outweighs the rights may be ruining life for gifted of the minority.” In a press people all across the nation. conference last week, Senator While gifted individuals have Mariad told reporters, “While had legal equality for just I understand that certain banearly a century, that may sic rights of gifted individuals soon come to an end. Senator may be infringed upon, knowWilliam Mariad, of New Jering who they are and where sey, has introduced a bill that they are will protect those of will essentially make gifted inus that would otherwise be left dividuals second rate citizens. helpless in a confrontation beMariad, who’s held his seat tween ourselves and someone for more than two decades, got with inhuman capabilities. The his start as a police detective. general public doesn’t underAfter two years on the force, he found new evidence in the Later this month, the US Senate will vote on Proposition stand what these mutated beinfamous Wyckoff Murders Thirty-four, a bill which affects the asic rights of gifted ings are capable of.” individuals all across the nation. Proposition Thirty-Four will case, which had gone cold Image From: http://arraupdate.com be voted on later this month. several years prior. The new While there are a number of evidence eventually lead to the convictions of pyrokinetic, tion, each gifted individual would senators, both Republican and Ardwen Groves, electrokinetic, be have to register their name, Democrat, that have come out in Marty Baldwin, and ice manipu- ability, and all contact informa- support of the bill, most have relator, Lucille Silvers. Since then, tion with their local government. fused to take a public stance. The Mariad has built a name for him- Among other things, it would also majority of political analysts exself crusading against what he has make it illegal for gifted youth to pect the proposition not to make it deemed, “the mutation epidemic.” attend the same schools as non- through the senate, however only time will tell. Lydia Mason
The bill, dubbed “Proposition Thirty-Four,” continues to gain support from conservatives all around the country. It would require that, upon initial manifesta-
Pool Party Brings Major Consequences Molly Kraft
Last month’s pool party not only managed to anger Headmaster Jake, but all the fairies as well. They haven’t shown themselves for days, because the loud, drunken kids trampled one of their most beloved princesses! The Headmaster has ordered both pools be shut down for winter, and weekend curfew has indefinitely been pushed back to the same time as weeknights. He
also has the staff conducting bed checks once every hour through the night, as well as having random room searches for contraband. Sure, it’s awful living in what can only be equated to a rich person’s prison, but at least we still have each other, and our esteemed staff! Lorelai, the poor, trampled princess, will never again grace ACA with her song. Partiers should be ashamed of themselves.
Apologies and Retractions: Our esteemed headmaster has expressed outrage over a "libelous" piece of gossip cited last month; despite our devotion to reporting the truth in accordance with the first amendment (and regardless of official opinion), we offer our most sincere apologies to Professor Langston.
Monthly Horoscopes from The Great Monsieur Spencer Aries
Your ram-like nature will come to the forefront this month. There is a high likelihood that your eyebrows will grow together and curl up at the ends to resemble horns. Also, avoid tenor saxophones at all costs.
Good relations with the Wookiees, you have. Make sure to take your vitamins and watch out -- you're likely to attempt to eat your soup with a fork instead of a spoon, which really doesn't work that well.
This is going to be an awesome month for you! You will come into some money. Let's just hope you can find someone here in Wyoming willing to exchange your Estonian kroons for American dollars.
I'm bored. You bore me. You will have a boring month.
If you see a butterfly, follow it. It might be a magical butterfly that will lead you to a leprechaun in the process of burying his pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. Of course, it's probably just a butterfly.
You go too. No, not there, over there. Specificity is not your friend this month.
You have a high likelihood of papercuts in the beginning of the month, but as the moon's phase changes, a bigger threat will be death by electrocution. Wear a radish to ward off the nargles.
Male Leos: Dude, SHE IS NOT GOING TO GO OUT WITH YOU. Give it up. Female Leos: If you go out with him he'll probably collect your toenail clippings or something equally gross and stalker-y. Don't go out with him.
Avoid pool parties at all costs. If you do attend a pool party, there's a good chance that you'll get smashed, do something you regret, and end up being soaked by an angry -- oh wait, that was last month. My bad.
From the Office of the Maintenence Staff: 1) We know it was you, and you know who you are. 2) The Cheetos are missing. We still want them back.
3) You are not famous. Write both your first and last name, not just first, Ashley.
4) To the young lady recruiting new soldiers; the Admiral of the Fleet called. He needs to speak to you. ASAP.
Take a chance on that lucky guy or girl. They might actually say yes. Which would be awesome. YOU GO, YOU. YOU GO.
Wow. Compared to you, Scorpio is a torch-juggling acrobat balanced on a striped elephant balanced on a ball of poo rolled by dung beatles. Good luck.
I SEE DEATH IN YOUR CARDS. The death of whatever plants or animals you might eat this month, that is. Shame on you. Shame, you selfish human. Iâ€™m looking for a young man with great manners, who enjoys walks on the beach, non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiris, and loves dogs. If you fit that description, please meet me on the tennis court, Saturday at noon. Bring a ham sandwhich.
5) Professor Murphy requests that all emtpy cans be left in the rainbow colored bin outside his classroom. 6) To the the person or person leaving cookies all over the grounds; stop it. The fairies donâ€™t like chocolate chip.
Get to Know... Desmond Quirke, Art Professor, 38, Dublin, Ireland.
Q: How long have you been teaching? A: I've been teaching for fourteen years, mostly in Chicago and Boston. Q: So, why art? What was your inspiration? A: That's a good question, actually. I guess... when my family moved here from Ireland I was still a kid, fourth grade, and I had some trouble fitting in, with the accent and everything. The art teacher took pity on me and let me eat my lunch in the art room, instead of the cafeteria. I guess the attraction just stuck. Q: So what kind of art do you do? A: I prefer abstract art. Not the squares on white
backgrounds sort; the kind that actually means something. Or tries to mean something, anyway. Q: Are you married? All the girls want to know. A: Now you're just trying to flatter me. No, I'm still a bachelor. Never been married. Q: Last question, any dark secrets you would like to reveal? A: Oh God. You're terrible. Let me think. Oh, right. I've got it. I'm narcoleptic. I fall asleep at random times, for no reason. Sometimes even in the middle of walking. So if you see a zombie walking around campus, it's probably just me. Be sure to let the admiral know that so she doesn't behead me, yeah?
Photo and Interview By Isabella James
ACA Had a Blast at the Masquerade Ball Alice Hopkins
Halloween for us has always been the time of year when we could dress up in silly costumes and go around the neighborhood for some free candy. While that is not the original intention or celebration of Halloween, it is what we all knew as children. Now Halloween has changed for us at Appleberry Cove Academy. No longer are we children dressed as witches, princesses, pirates, or devils. Now we are young adults, and our school was quick to treat us as such at the Masquerade Ball. The ball was headed by the lovely Professor Marissa Charles-
ton. Staff was readily available throughout the night, but I think we all know why. The ball started at 8 PM, late enough for everyone to have already eaten dinner then gotten ready. At least it should have been enough time. I know some girls who were running late. The ball was held inside the gym, but outside in the hallway was an area to take pictures with your date. The backdrop for the pictures was so cute! The gym was decorated beautifully, let me tell you. On one side of the gym was an area of tables and chairs, decorated with orange lights so you wouldn’t be stumbling in the darkness. Not only
Expert Advice FromTerri "I have a problem, Terri. People don't believe me when I tell them there's going to be a zombie apocalypse. How can I make them believe me? I don't want them to have their brains eaten."
Dear Zombie Hunter, In all honesty, it's all about how you present yourself. While some have trouble believing in the paranormal (which means they don't believe that they exist even at this school) you'll just have to sell yourself. Perhaps try something that seems comical, sure they'll think it's just a joke still, but at least they'll be reading. Odds are your vital info will stick if it's catchy and popular. Perhaps submit a "How to Survive" in the next chronicle issue? Good luck, and remember, cardio. When the invasion starts, it's best to be able to get away. "How do I tell someone I love her, with out scaring her off?" Dear Admirer, Cautiously. Hidden love of an enemy, best friend for years, or anything in between. It is best to exercise caution. Don't be afraid to drop hints, show your interest in a caring way...But by no means
rent a hot air balloon proclaiming love. That only works in movies. With limited information, I can't tell you if an admittance of love is too dramatic to your normal behavior. Perhaps like, interest, and maybe a date would be a better start? Best of luck with the dream girl. “How do you get over someone you agreed to be “just friends” with?”
Dear just friends, Slowly, and by moving forward. If you’ve said you’re just friends, then stop dwelling. You cannot expect the person to read your mind cause he or she probably doesn’t have that gift and more likely than not doesn’t realize that you have found yourself in this fix. If your goal is to get over the person and not go for an actual relationship, then do it. The only thing getting in the way of you finding somebody wonderful is you. Once you have pushed past that and found a good guy or girl for you to be with, you’ll find there’s less to get over and more to look forward to. No rushing though. I did say slowly. Take it at your own pace, but don’t dwell in the past of what wasn’t.
was it a nice area to sit down and rub those forming blisters, but there was also a table of refreshments! The table was decorated with a spider web styled lace table cloths. For the center pieces, hand-carved jack-o-lanterns with real burning candles. And to accent everything to make it more Halloween-feeling, black and orange balloons were set around the table. The table wasn’t the only decorated thing, though. For something to snack on, there were cute little cookies shaped like all sorts of Halloween items, such as pumpkins and black cats. And in the true spirit of Halloween, there was plenty of candy to help yourself to. I personally believe the best part was the different types of “Witch’s Brew” available. It was absolutely delicious and onehundred-percent safe according to a very reliable source. Thank you so much for such a wonderful treat, kitchen staff! But I think the best part about the ball was the dance floor. That’s where all the action was at! If you were wearing any white or neon colors, you would have been absolutely glowing! The dance floor was lit by black lights. They also had a fog machine creating a thick fog along the floor. I had to have faith in my feet sometimes because there was no way I could see where I was stepping. Anyone who attended knows that it was
such a wonderful, spooky effect! There was also a DJ, of course, playing the best and most popular music of our time. I know quite a few people requested special songs for their very special date. Speaking of special dates, if you stayed all night until midnight, then you know all about the last dance. Remember, it was a masquerade ball, so we all had to wear masks all night. For the last song of the night, we were allowed to remove our masks so that we could gaze upon our dates. Maybe even learn the identity of our newfound friend, who knows? I know one girl who had spent the beginning of her night alone, but ended up with a very special boy by the end of the night. I wish I would have had a date as handsome as him. So, the Masquerade Ball was a very lovely treat for all of us at Appleberry Cove Academy. I know some of us may miss dressing up like a fairy or cartoon character, but I think the ball was a nice, mature way to handle Halloween at a school full of teenagers. With a chance to take a picture with our date, to eat such delicious and spooky food, and to dance to our very favorite song with our very favorite person, what wasn’t there to love at the Masquerade Ball? I hope you all had a Happy Halloween. I know I did! I can only imagine what next year will bring.
Looking for tutoring!
Contact information for anyone willing to do homework. Willing to compensate appropriately. If interested, please email email@example.com
In cooking, that is! If you're out there and you know how to bake, please call Ezra Spencer, because I desperately need your help with a personal project. And I do not want to poison anyone with my inedible baking.