UTC
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS...
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS...
The auld yin has been known to very occasionally deviate from the spiritual path that is ‘Grouse and ice’, particularly at special times of year like Christmas where he needs all the liquid help he can get to drag his wrinkled arse through another year of having to spend extended periods of time with his family. It’s on occasions just like this that he has been known to indulge in a wee JD and Coke. Wouldn’t it be amazing though if somebody invented a machine that pours limitless JD and Cokes ready to drink? Well, guess what... Now that’s got to take the edge off under-cooked turkey, over-boiled sprouts, cheap prosecco and in-laws.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS... Not often keen to talk about his politics, UTC can nonetheless be persuaded to offer an opinion or two on our esteemed Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Most of them – well, all of them – are unprintable.
Wouldn’t it be amazing though if Boris paid a visit to a Tetley factory just before a General Election and was photographed sipping a cuppa, just so that we could use an obvious caption. Well, guess what...
BORIS, YOUR TEA’S OOT!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS...
There’s nothing takes the fun out of Christmas for our resident curmudgeon quite like having to keep getting up to go to the fridge every half an hour for a fresh can and some ice for his dram. Wouldn’t it be amazing though if somebody invented a machine that went to the fridge for you and brought your aperitif of choice back on a silver tray? Well, guess what... A company called servicerobots.com has launched the very dab. Unlike Mrs UTC, this wee bad boy will go to the fridge as often as your heart desires – and your liver can cope with. OK, technically it’s a champagne robot but UTC is sure that with a wee bash with a hammer and twist with a screwdriver it could be reconfigured to serve cans of Tennent’s Lager and glasses of Grouse with ice instead.
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SLR | DECEMBER 2019
SLR December 2019.indd 62
It will no doubt astonish many astute readers of this fine organ to find out that UTC isn’t the world’s most reliable life partner when it comes to remembering to buy a Christmas card for Mrs UTC. Many’s the time he’s been sat in the boozer on Christmas Eve willing the clock to slow down when it it’s dawned on him that he’s forgotten to drop by his local independent retailing outlet to carelessly grab the first Christmas card that comes to hand for the love of his life. Wouldn’t it be amazing though if somebody invented a machine that you could put in a pub that let you print off personalised Christmas cards as you waited for the head on your beer to settle. Well, guess what... UK tech start-up Bulldog Kiosks has built the world’s first ever self-service customised gift card kiosk, which is being rolled out in pubs just in time for Christmas. Apparently, “Christmas revellers are using the kiosks in pubs to design their own festive gift cards for loved ones and friends”. Or just their wives. The touchscreen tech even takes a selfie of you to be added to the card, a service the old boy won’t be availing himself of, bearing in mind the nick he’s usually in on Christmas Eve. www.slrmag.co.uk
04/12/2019 14:58:03