Book of Cowism new intergalactic version
Here is the Book of Cowism
, a collection of the parables of the Great Cow of the Cowist discipline as recounted by the Great Cowâ€™s illustrious prophets. It is written by way of commandment, commandment to aforementioned prophets and auspicious literal commandment to the masses who shall be touched by the glory of Cowism in their short, brutish lives.
table of contents The Tome of Rumen
Wherefore reality is such and whence the world came
The Tome of Reticulum
Wherefore humanity is so human
The Tome of Abomasum
Wherefore humanity is unable to embody the full glory of the Great Cow
The Tome of Omasum
Wherefore the Great Cow has prescribed the actions he prescribes
The Tome of Ru
An account of Rumen, the First Prophet of His illustrious lordship, His radiant au has obviously created with his ever-glorious power, His ever-potent duke of testost Kingdom of Heaven, Rumen observes His glorious spontaneous inspiration to pain meticulously notes the glorious process of creation, but for doing so, is benevolent humans of the Good Green Earth in order to recount this account.
6:022 ON BASKING IN ILLUSTRIOUSNESS
, Rumen, who was born basking in the rays of the omnipresent glory of the omnipotent and omniscient Great Cow, under the auspicious sign of a double rainbow at the foot of a Mountain in the Kingdom of Heaven heralded by two magenta heavenly swallows, have much to say. It was from a time before time that I lay as the humble servant of the Great Cow in the Kingdom of Heaven, performing auspicious tasks bestowed upon me by Him. It was a night of the fifth day of the week, in which the stars of heaven glittered with the providence imbued in their doubly protonated elements. I was basking in the illustriousness of the Great Cow when he beckoned toward me with his almighty hoof. Complying with His request, I strode toward him, bowing my head in the most delicate reverence. And he spoke to me: “Hark,
Rumen! I grow idle in a morass of un-productivity, a state that I shall now pronounce to forevermore be known as boredom! I know not what I shall do!” To which I replied: “Oh, your illustrious lordship, you radiant auspicious metaphorical embodiment of a sphere of nuclear fusion which you have obviously created with your everglorious power, your ever-potent duke of testosterone-induced vitality, how could you, in your all-knowing power, not know what you shall do?!” “Hark, Rumen! I shall smite you if you speak another offending word! I have already produced an answer to this ‘boredom’ I have spoken of! Now I shall give you the unique privilege of executing this answer!” “Affirmative, O Great Cow, I am forever your unquestioning loyal servant! How may I be of service to thine everlasting greatness?” “I have hatched a diabolic plan to occupy my wits forevermore!”
uspicious metaphorical embodiment of a sphere of nuclear fusion which He terone-induced vitality, the Great Cow. As the Great Cow lounges around the nstakingly craft what has come to be known as the Good Green Earth. Rumen tly banished from His Kingdom forevermore in order to descend upon the brutish Exclaimed the Illustrious One, “Press your ear closely to these sound waves that doth emanate from my mouth, for it is in thy interest to comprehend the words I have yet to utter.” Without a question, I complied with his more than reasonable and ever-logical request. “I have schemed to create this creation I shall term to be forever known as the ‘Universe’! And while I have already decreed that there shalt be many items in this Universe, there is one important item that I would like you to observe— the Good Green Earth.” “Most certainly, O Great Cow!” I replied with unquestioning reverence. “Among many other items, this Good Green Earth shall contain entities that I term to forevermore be known as ‘humans.’ Now press your ears closely to these sound waves that doth emanate from my mouth once more as I explain my glorious process of Genesis: I shall create the Good Green Earth
in six days, in order to show my skill to surpass any others who dare claim my place as Supreme Being of the omniverse. I decree you, observe my craft for these six days, and note every action that I may perform so that my undivine progeny may bask in my illustriousness anyways.” “Most certainly, O Great Cow!” I replied again with even more unquestioning reverence, kowtowing before the Great Cow.
10:23 ON GENESIS
, Rumen, stood steadfastly by the side of the Great Cow as he executed his diabolic benevolent plan. And here is what I have to document. On the first day, the Great Cow pronounced in his booming voice of everlasting glory: “Let there be bright!” And bright there was, for illumination began to exist in the world, and little real spheres of nuclear fusion began to spit out their fiery warmth (all the while incinerating all those who would question this
illustrious moment and contort it into something as grotesque as a “Big Bang” into perfectly charboiled cubes), and there was both evil and enlightenment, sight and blindness, gloriousness and ingloriousness. On the second day, the Great Cow pronounced in his booming voice of everlasting glory: “Let a thing be!” And a thing there was, for things began to exist in the world, things like dirt and grass and fruit-bearing plants, and plants and toasters and rock and sand and magma. And from this came the spherical matter that came together in what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be gravity, which used its everillustrious Great Cow-endowed force to smash these things together to form what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be a planet (all the while those who would be unwise enough to even think of the thoughtcrime of contemplating what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be Principia or Newton or Apple were also smashed together into this planet also), which would be completed later as the Good Green Earth. On the third day, the Great Cow pronounced in his booming voice of everlasting glory: “Let ‘er rip!” And a ripping there was, for a glorious fragrant wind blew down from the heavens and imbued the Good Green
Earth with the air, from whence illustrious substances like oxygen, ozone, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, and methenyl trichloride began to exist thanks to the illustrious radiance of the Great Cow. These illustrious substances filled the Good Green Earth with vitality, with wind, with ruggedness, with an excuse to exclaim “thar she blows,” and with awesome illustriousness (and also filled the life receptacles of those of immense idiocy to even utter a syllable of such blasphemous speech as Le Chatelier, Boyle’s, and Charles’ to such capacity that they burst into little shreds of flesh). On the fourth day, the Great Cow pronounced in his booming voice of everlasting glory: “Let me go number one for a second!” And number one there was, for a torrent of holy liquid streamed down from the heavens and blessed with Good Green Earth with not only nitrogenous substances that were protein predecessors but also a life-giving substance the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as dihydrogen monoxide. And this dihydrogen monoxide vaporized in the air to form the clouds; but it also drowned the valleys and the crevasses and the vast low expanses to form the rivers and the lakes and the oceans and the groundwater repositories and the glaciers and the polar ice
caps (and also drowned those with enough misplaced gall to incorrectly espouse such lies as Sir Charles Lyell or frost action). On the fifth day, the Great Cow pronounced in his booming voice of everlasting glory: “Let it get a life!” And life it got. The Good Green Earth was filled with a bountiful bounty of biological organisms, from Domain to Kingdom to Phylum to Class to Order to Family to Genus to Species. There were eukaryotes, there were prokaryotes, there was mollusca, porifera, and chlamydia. And of course, the Great Cow topped this off with his most unrefined refined creation: the humans, whom he could not bear to give his image and likeness. He set upon the Good Green Earth, at first, two specimens, one of each gender, the specimens Dick and Jane, in a vast garden of paradise. He commanded them to “be fruitful and multiply,” and Dick and Jane obeyed His command; they stole every last fruit from the garden until the plants and various garden items withered and began waver in photosynthetic processes; they attempted to discover that two by two did not equal five until the Great Cow produced a subtle divine implication that endowed Dick and Jane with the knowledge that perhaps multiplication meant another word that started with a “forn” and ended with
an “ication.” So Dick and Jane, who the Great Cow decreed mini-human’s tomes should be named after many thousands of years later, did exactly that, and soon the garden was teeming with humans in their everlasting mindless Cow-given glory due to all the Fun With Dick And Jane. Having been endowed with nothing but divine instructions and their bodies, the humans were aimless (but obviously not as aimless as certain mystical heretics whose titles start with “Dar” and end with “win” who dare commit heinous acts such as writing easily burnable tomes with names like “On the Origin of Species”). And the Great Cow was sadistically amused. On the sixth day, the Great Cow pronounced in his booming voice of everlasting glory: “Let the humans know of my divine might, and let them have knowle—” It was at this moment that I, Rumen, realized that the Great Cow’s glorious porcelain waste receptacle had somehow been clogged with a delectable item that he had termed to forevermore be known as bacon. I interrupted him from his pronouncement, which in retrospect, I think I ought not have done, for the Great Cow never endowed all the humans with knowledge nor wisdom, only unquestioning belief in idiocy and superstition. He had
meant to bestow upon those humans knowledge before I had cut him off, but because He had managed to, in His divine glory, pronounce half of the word, there were some humans of a more superior strain who managed to obtain this illustrious item of knowledge, but alas, they were outnumbered by those of a higher degree of imbecility who ostracized them for their understanding and wisdom (and at times forced them to perform such amusing actions as drink hemlock or receive what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as wedgies). But perhaps that was at His own volition, for, in spite of His everlasting illustrious and glorious power, He never bothered to make another pronouncement regarding the miserably blockheaded state of the world. Alas, I never questioned His most venerable and illustrious action, for I am confident that He conducted it for the purposes of increasing his sense of what he termed to forevermore be known as schadenfreude.
Great Cow contemplated his next act of schadenfreude. “Rumen, I beseech you, bring your body near mine and I shall speak words to you,” the Great Cow commanded. I obeyed his command. “O, Great Cow, what auspiciously glorious task may I perform at your request?” “Rumen, have you not been making meticulous written inscriptions of my past actions?” The Great Cow asked upon me. “Aye, O Great Illlustrious One, I indeed have, as to record your glory for any progeny or posterity of mine our illegitimately of yours to bask in when you see fit!” I expressed in everlasting delight. “Hark! And I shall render my benevolent gratitude upon you in the form of schadenfreude!” The Great Cow effused. “O, what honor thou canst beseech upon me! O, what exuberant joy doth touch my heart!” I effused back at him as my body was transported down to the Good Green Earth. Ad first came the stars, and the Great Cow spoke forth down from 10:23 ON SCHADENFREUDE the heavens: “thou art a figurative son of mine, and thou shall exert nd I basked before the your radiant influence throughout everlasting glory of the this Good Green Earth.” Great Cow as the Good And I beseeched upon the Great Green Earth elliptically Cow: “how doth you giveth this rotated around a sphere of power to me, so that it be mine nuclear fusion below the great until thine kingdom come?” Kingdom of Heaven. And the The Great Cow answered upon
me: “Fear not, young one, for you shall be restored to everlasting glory for thine days on this Good Green Earth. Stride forth, into the radiant sphere of nuclear fusion, so that thy radiance may be restored through the use of photoelectric cells.” “O, but for what auspicious purpose hath thou rendered my body upon this Good Green Earth for?” I beseeched upon him. “Rumen, thou art a prophet of mine, and I shalt render upon you the mission to spread my good word upon the wretched humans and writhe at their sheer incompetence so that you may sustain my laughter in the skies
forevermore!” He answered upon me. “I must have blind sheep to follow in a flock, for lamb chops without sight have everlastingly glorious tenderness that touches the heart of mine.” “O Rumen, Rumen, wherefore art thou Rumen!” I exclaimed upon myself in joyous masochistic reverence, noting each and every word and embarking upon the execution of his glorious mission, informing generations upon generations of the brute creation of the Great Cow known as humanity of whence their world came and whence the undying glory of that world was bestowed upon them.
The Tome of Re
An account of Reticulum, the Second Prophet of His illustrious lordship, His radia has obviously created with his ever-glorious power, His ever-potent duke of testost the Good Green Earth to wander around and note and observe the dealings of hum his acquaintances in a house of diluted-ethanol-imbued-liquid-substance procurem
, Reticulum, who was born basking in the rays of the omnipresent glory of the omnipotent and omniscient Great Cow, under the auspicious sign of a double rainbow at the foot of a Mountain in the Kingdom of Heaven heralded by two magenta heavenly swallows, have much to say. It was a certain lazy afternoon of a lazy seventh day of the week, and the Great Cow was lying in his lazy glory in front of me as I intricately crafted baconroses. “Hark, Reticulum!” The Great Cow spoke to me, “Hear my words!” “Yes-sir-ree!” I exclaimed in unquestioning reverence. “How may I be of everlasting service to you?” “Reticulum, in honor of your unquestioning servitude, I shall bequeath upon you one more task: I shall pronounce you temporary ambassador to The Good Green Earth, to observe and note the dealings of humanity and the
conveyance of their true, innate nature.” “My lord, I am most honored to receive this most illustrious task and shall execute it to be fitting of your glorious name!” I exclaimed. And with a simple flourish of his middle finger, the Great Cow rendered my body upon the Good Green Earth.
8:28 HENRY PUTTER AND THE RED BUTTON OF DOOM
pon my journeys on the Good Green Earth, I first met a man named Harry Putter who resided in the small hamlet of Wittle Lhining on a most glorious northern kingdom of unity. Now Mr. Putter was a unique specimen, who in his Cowendowed idiocy proclaimed to all that he could cast spells and expel a silvery cloud by holding his long wooden stick erect and chanting “Pxpecto Eatronum!” However, that anecdote was not the most important one
ant auspicious metaphorical embodiment of a sphere of nuclear fusion which He terone-induced vitality, the Great Cow. The Great Cow sets Reticulum down upon manity. The account is an accurate collection of anecdotes Reticulum relates to ment and consumption some time after his journey around the Good Green Earth. relating to Mr. Putter, for I befriended him in an attempt to learn about his most human ways. And it was by this I learned how unlearned Mr. Putter was. On a thirty-first day of a seventh month of the glorious year, Mr. Putter sprung forth from his residence in the small hamlet of Wittle Lhining and journeyed forth into the cobblestone pathway that lay before him. There, he observed a tall, imposing creation that had apparently been placed there at the bequest of the Great Cow Himself, in an attempt to show me, Reticulum, what the true nature of man could reveal and to also give Him a sense of sadistic pleasure to observe what might transpire. Mr. Putter, who had never read the parable of the Dangerous Curiosity whom had vanquished the most blockheaded Feline Creature, stepped forth and touched the tall, imposing creation. He discovered that it was made of a substance the Great
Cow termed to forevermore be known as concrete, and he began to attempt to open it, completely neglecting his own safety and failing to complete a full assessment of his surroundings and the current situation. As the concrete was most hard at the bequest of the Great Cow, Mr. Putter could not simply use his miserable human Cow-endowed hands to pry the tall, imposing creation open. Therefore, he enlisted the usage of what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as hammers and nails. Mr. Putter raised the hammer and placed the nail at a perpendicular position to the concrete creation. He hammered the hammer down, but alas, in his human stupidity, he had placed what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as his thumb atop the nail; this thumb of Mr. Putterâ€™s was instantly smashed as Mr. Putter cried out in a sharp, feminine cry of agony and desperation that measured 6.022x10^23 decibels.
However, the Great Cow had unintentional mercy on Mr. Putter, for the cry amused Him so much that he temporarily forgot to continue to imbue the concrete structure with strength, allowing Mr. Putter to somehow apparate through to the inside of the tall, imposing concrete creation. Inside, he discovered that the Great Cow had bequeathed upon him a large, crimson-red colored circular button that had these words rendered upon it: “DO NOT PRESS!” Although Mr. Putter was not completely illiterate and was in fact above-average as he could read at what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as the eight-grade reading level, alas, he was human. And being human, his blockheaded instincts overwhelmed what little rationality the Great Cow bequeathed upon the Good Green Earth. So Mr. Harry Putter of Wittle Lhining pressed the large, crimson-red colored circular button that had “DO NOT PRESS!” rendered upon it. And instantly the Great Cow sent two of what he termed to forevermore be known as missiles filled with several kilograms of a fissile material with ninetytwo protons in its composite components coupled with a detonation device to burst in their everlasting glory two inches atop
where Mr. Henry Putter of Wittle Lhining stood. And Mr. Henry Putter and the rest of Wittle Lhining were instantly vaporized in a cloud shaped exactly like what the Great Cow was consuming for his evening meal that night, a substance that He termed to forevermore be known as a mushroom.
1:82 THE HAPPENSTANCE OF THE GLORIOUS FLYING FISH
n the most glorious pastures of Bavaria I, Reticulum, observed a young Austrian named Adolfo, who took walks often by a flowing river under the most auspicious sun. Now Adolfo was a very intelligent Austrian - he dedicated his life towards the study of the twenty-four-hundred Scrolls of Barrons and pursued the league of the Creeping Vines. Due to his erudite nature, he not the least bit exposed to the soft contours and loving touch of a female until the day that a female member of his species bent over and stroked the Scrolls of Barrons that Adolfo was reading on an otherwise-normal fourth day in the sixth month of the Great Cow’s year. And Adolfo then exclaimed, “You are defiling the most powerful knowledge of Newton and Leibniz!”
However the beautiful woman merely flashed a seductive glance at Adolfo, before casting the Scrolls of Barrons into the river and walking away, harmonically oscillating from left to right, mesmerizing the young Austrian with her body much resembling a leminscate graph. It was at this moment that the illustrious Great Cow from above did his bidding in order to show me that I must note this story of Adolfo’s with as much care and precision as I could. A Glorious Flying Fish, summoned before my eyes by the Great cow himself to demonstrate the parable he would wish me to observe, rose from the river besides Adolfo from where the book had been cast and hailed: “Behold! I am the most Glorious Flying Fish, Temporary Apparition of the All-Knowing Cow!” Adolfo replied, “A most glorious morning to you, dear Comrade Flying Fish.” “That look in your eyes surrenders a dark and dangerous thought,” the Glorious Flying Fish noted, floating around Adolfo’s head. “You must wish to lie tangential to that woman’s curves. Fear her curves however, for they will be your undoing.” But the young follower was defiant, “but her curves are so smooth and continuous, I wish only to differentiate her with respect to me! For how can such a beautiful specimen be of any
danger to me?” The Glorious Flying Fish explained further, “that Fraulein has been sent here by Duke of Orsino of the lowlands, coveter of Olivia, Viola, and Sebastian. She is here to implant into your mind a thought to question your devotion to the All-Knowing Cow’s Four Stomachs and Grand udder!” Adolfo remained rebellions however, for the white rabbit had succeeded in her inception of sinful and treasonous thoughts. The Glorious Flying Fish let forth a heavy sigh and shook his head, flapping his fins in the soft summer breeze. “You will come to regret this decision and treachery, Herr Adolfo. I must make my passage to the northwest now so that I may seek the spices of the All-Knowing Cow. Do not let the Fraulein corrupt your faith!” Adolfo bid farewell to the Glorious Flying Fish and returned to his village, seeking the female who had so cast away his Scrolls of Barrons. He searched for the remainder of the day rather than dedicating that rich afternoon towards the study of his Scrolls of Barrons, forgoing the powerful knowledge of gradients and tangential planes so that he may gain the carnal knowledge of multiplication and oscillatory motions in his chambers that evening. Adolfo found his young
Fraulein standing by the rail of a beautiful dhow parked in the bay near the village after many hours of searching. He stepped onboard the dhow as the most harmonic music being blasted atop the decks urged him to put into practice Newton’s concepts of kinetic friction between two surfaces. Adolfo and the young Fraulein approached each other akin to two like charges, as their distance converged to zero as he slowly swayed himself latitudinally, modelling his motion upon a cosine curve as his force vector pushed upon two periods of a sine curve. “Oh, oh, oh!” The young Fraulein exclaimed. “I will be your genie! Tell me your wish!” Adolfo whispered into her ear, “allow us to bond as Hydrogen and FON, and we will never be apart.” And so Adolfo spent his evening with his Fraulein sent by the Duke of Orsino to corrupt his mind and cause him to deviate from the path towards the Creeping Vines. The following morning, Adolfo found himself laying in an empty bed, for the Fraulein had gone! Frantically looking about for the Fraulein, Adolfo caught sight of an angry Blue Bulldog, and bolted upright in the bed as if he had just heard a song of the birds. He dashed away from the empty bed towards the forests at the edge of the village’s boundaries, hoping
to escape from the Blue Bulldog, only to find himself crashing into a Crimson Tree. Reeling from the elastic collision, he called out “Oh Fraulein! Fraulein! Wherefore art thou Fraulein? Deny thy sheep and refuse thy pastures!” However his calls were in vain as Adolfo found himself without his Fraulein. He turned around and saw that an orange and black Tiger had crept up besides him. Screaming out of fear, he dashed back towards the river where he had first met the Glorious Flying Fish. “Oh Glorious Flying Fish, I summon thee to save me from the evil sprits who pursuit me!” The Glorious Flying Fish answered Adolfo’s summons and appeared besides him. “Dear Adolfo, you have seen the error of your ways, have you not?” The Glorious Flying Fish danced about Adolfo’s head. Adolfo repented, “yes I have, yes I have! May the Great Cow have mercy upon my soul!” “Oh but my poor Adolfo, the Great Cow is not as forgiving as you may hope, for the Great Cow is highly selective in his admission of individuals into Holy Salvation!” However, the Glorious Flying Fish felt sympathetic for young Adolfo and spared him from the final horror of facing the Evil Dictator Bunny who would render him unto Quarks. “I shall allow
you to be mauled by this Golden Bear instead, for he is most just in his mauling.” And so it came to pass that the Glorious Flying Fish summoned the Golden Bear to maul Adolfo, and Adolfo embraced the mauling of the Golden Bear with his arms wide open as the Glorious Flying Fish swam into a silver beer keg.
8:45 YELLOW CAKE
, Reticulum, continued my journey throughout the Good Green Earth, eventually coming to an island land east of west Timor. On that island land, I encountered a detachment of humans that the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as a family. This particular family I encountered consisted of two parental units, one female and one male, as well as one of their male progeny, also known as their child or their son. The two parental units were bequeathed with the names of Muammar and Hosni, and their son was bequeathed with the name of Ahmadinejad. Now Ahmadinejad was a very playful recombinant parental DNA receptacle, and it seemed that the Great Cow had provided me an opportunity to record yet another spectacle of the innate nature of humanity in my encounter with Ahmadinejad. And record I did. Ahmadinejad was a fastidious
young specimen of the humans. He had many toys that required amounts of 92-protonated elements, but these toys were of the utmost danger to the others who lived on the island land east of west Timor. Three wise men, an exceedingly rare occurrence on the Good Green Earth given that one wise man was exceedingly hard to find already, came upon the abode of Ahmadinejad and his parental units as I continued my astute observations of the situation. “O, Muammar and Hosni, caretakers of this child named Ahmadinejad, we beseech you, order your young one to cease in his playing with 92-protonated element related toys!” The three wise men pronounced in an air of intelligence and wisdom imparted upon them by the Great Cow. “Mummy, Daddy, NO!” Pronounced Ahmadinejad in a shrill voice, sending a piercing gaze of hostile intent in the direction of the three wise men. He then turned his gaze toward his parents, widening his eyes and assuming what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as an innocent-puppy-dog face. Muammar and Hosni, like the average human, lost all of the little rational ability and intellectual capacity they had managed to scrounge up as soon as they entered into the gaze of their young progeny. They
seemed entranced by the evil gaze of the young one, obsessed to the point of self-harm with this notion that the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as cuteness. And here is the point in which their true innerhuman overtook whatever more refined aspects the Great Cow had managed to sprinkle upon the world prior to the First Prophet Rumen’s interruption regarding bacon and porcelain waste receptacles. “You three, what business doth thou haveth here in our abode!?” Muammar shouted at the three wise men. “Of what capacity do you come down from your ivory tower and beseech us to do your bidding? Scoundrels, I hereby label you as elitists! We shall have nothing to do with your ways of intellectual deceit! What do you take me for, an idiot!?!” The three wise men stared quizzically at Muammar. They obviously knew that the true answer to the last question rendered upon them by Muammar was an unequivocal “yes,” for that is truthfully what Muammar and most of humanity was. But alas, because the three wise men were few in number and unable to withstand the prodding of an angry mob armed with pitchforks, they had to utilize terminological inexactitudes. “Of course not, dear sir, we only mean to advise you on the course
of action most optimal for the safety of both your family and the community around you!” The first of the three wise men expressed. “Advise?! On what grounds? On the grounds of your ‘science’ and ‘logic’? Pshaw!” Hosni spit back at the wise man. “Yes, your ‘theorems’ and ‘postulates’ have no standing among the discourse of the common man! The common man has strength in numbers and these numbers mean that, democratically, whatever we decide is the truth and the best route of conduct! As long as we put our heads together, roll up our sleeves, and put our hands together and break into the song that we call ‘Kum-ba-yah,’ our problems will go away into the wild blue yonder! Do not trouble us with your complicated drivel!” Muammar shouted, reaching for the pitchfork he had conveniently stored next to his door. The three wise men relented, for they knew they could not stand up to the evil capacities of the pitchfork. So they parted, journeying far, far away in full expectation of the horror to come. “Awww, Ahmadinejad, now that those three ugly elitists are away, you may continue your adventures in recreation!” Hosni and Muammar gushed. And continue them he did. With the full compliance of his parents, who were entranced
by his reality-distortion-field of “cuteness,” he expanded his collection of toys requiring 92-protonated elements and then began to request that his parents separate the toys that had to do with the number 238 from the toys that had to do with the number 235. His parents complied, and soon, Ahmadinejad started to create a yellow cake substance using his ever-delightful toys. And soon the anniversary of Ahmadinejad’s birth arrived, and in ever-human tomfoolery, Hosni and Muammar decided a celebration was in order. They saw that some of Ahmadinejad’s yellow cake was around, and combining it with what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as frosting, they produced what the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as a birthday cake. They placed flammable wax wicks with licks of flame emanating from them on top of this birthday cake and served it to Ahmadinejad. Ahmadinejad gurgled in idiotic delight. He extinguished the licks of flame with the saliva from his mouth, which was propelled by the carbon dioxide expelled from his lungs. Hosni and Muammar sampled the cake, taking huge bites out of what they previously determined to be a delectable substance
without having any prior qualitative or quantitative data to support that assertion. “Ahhhhhhh!” Hosni squealed in horror. “Ahhhhhhh!” Muammar squealed in horror. “Goo Goo Gaa Gaa!” Ahmadinejad squealed in delight. It seemed like the three wise men had been correct after all, for the toys had made a yellow cake that was most atrocious in nature. This yellow cake made the bodies of Hosni and Muammar undergo a very painful process that the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as necrosis, to which they succumbed after many agonizing hours. And after they succumbed, it seemed that Ahmadinejad had discovered my location of stalking and record-making, for he attempted to offer me a sample of yellow cake by throwing it in my face. Fortunately, I, Reticulum, by the grace of the Great Cow, managed to use my writing implement to bat the yellow cake samples away. As Ahmadinejad began to squeal and lunge at me, I used this same writing implement and flicked it in his idiotic face. A force of many newtons impacted his lipid-imbued face, and Ahmadinejad bothered me no more. I shuddered and took my leave immediately.
9:04 ON EXPLOITS RELATING TO THE KARNABIS FLOWER
, Reticulum, had then journeyed in the vicinity of the lair of the Golden Bear when I encountered two vagrants mulling about on the fog-wreathed streets. They offered me a pipe imbued with a substance of the most peculiar odor. I refused it, for it had an air of utmost repulsion. I then took my position in a building not far from these two vagrants in order to observe their actions. Very soon, another man in a long, dark jacket emerged, conversing with the two vagrants. He opened one flap of the jacket, handing the two vagrants a most peculiar looking flower, which I later learned was named the Karnabis Flower. The two vagrants handed the man back some green papers stained with erythrocytes. The man took his leave, but then a well-dressed man emerged from the shadows and discovered the two vagrants. “Expand your mind!” The welldressed man pronounced. “I have got the best goods for you two. When you get a whiff of this stuff, I guarantee you, your head will explode!” The two vagrants suddenly looked interested. The well-dressed man fumbled
with a briefcase he was holding. “In this briefcase, I have the keys to new worlds! You will be able to reach new levels of understanding and be lifted to a state of loftiness! You shall view visions that you never thought possible, you can smell what others taste, you can taste what others smell!” The two vagrants looked even more interested now. The well-dressed man emptied his briefcase out in front of the two vagrants. “I present you, my collection of erudite reading!” The welldressed man cried out in joy. I could see booklets of dead trees with names on them, names like “Invisible Man” or “Hamlet,” names of no significance except for to those who claimed they were wise on the Good Green Earth. And obviously, because the two vagrants knew very well that they had no capacity whatsoever to even claim that they were wise, they had no interest in this welldressed man’s products. “Well, this ain’t Karnabis, ain’t it?” The vagrants said in unison. They did not wait for a reply before pulling out a metal rod with a hole at the end of it imbued with metal projectiles propelled by a small combustion reaction. They stuck the metal rod into the well-dressed man’s face. The welldressed man instantly sprinkled some green papers unto the
vagrants and sprinted away, never to be seen again. “Totally rad, dude!” The vagrants pronounced to each other. They put away the metal rod and collected the Karnabis flowers they had, putting them in the pipe they had. The placed fire inside of the pipe. The pipe began smoking, and the vagrants allowed the smoke to enter into their lungs through an ingenious method that I shall neglect to describe here. “Dude…” The second vagrant expressed to the first. “Aww… yeah….” The first vagrant expressed to the second. The first vagrant, who had been holding the pipe, dropped it on the ground. He dropped it next to the booklets of dead trees that the well-dressed man had left. Unfortunately, dead trees are flammable. And there were flames in the pipe. So the booklets of dead trees became inflamed. “Dude… it’s so warm here… I can smell palm trees and taste the sand on my feet!” The second vagrant expressed to the first. “Aww… yeah… I can see a unicorn with a rainbow trailing behind it jumping through a forest fire!” The first vagrant expressed to the second. The two vagrants were obviously experiencing hallucinatory events and had their cognitive processes even more impaired than they usually
were. I chortled at their stupidity, and noticed that the booklet of dead trees was actually producing much flame in the vicinity of the vagrants. “Dude… I feel like I’m on fire.” The second vagrant expressed to the first. “Aww… yeah…. I’m so hot.” The first vagrant expressed to the second. I shall neglect to describe what transpired next for the sake of more impressionable young minds who may discover this tome. However, I can say for sure that the two vagrants ascended into the air in a pillar of light. And that is all I will say about that, because at that moment a figure tapped me on my back. The figure informed me that I was in his establishment of commerce. I inquired as to what commerce he was engaging in, and he informed me that he was dispensing Karnabis flowers to individuals who claimed that they were afflicted with illness. I laughed at this idiocy, for I knew that the Karnabis flower caused illness and did not mollify it. But the sheer idiocy of this whole escapade relating to the Karnabis flower was too much for me. So, by having the Great Cow summon me a helicopter and order the pilot to hover vertically atop a searchlight. I ascended into the air in a pillar of light.
The Tome of Ab
An account of Abomasum, the Third Prophet of His illustrious lordship, His radia has obviously created with his ever-glorious power, His ever-potent duke of testos Earth, conversing with humans of a wiser strain who have come to the realization regarding the Great Cow’s creation of the Good Green Earth. Fortunately, the Gre goes forth into the world to inform all who will listen that the most illustrious Gre
1:61 MUSINGS OF THE WISER ONES
, Abomasum, had conducted extensive studies on the Good Green Earth for several of the Great Cow’s illustrious years before I discovered a gathering of humans who were surprisingly not blockheaded idiots. This gathering was headed by a man named Wang Badan, who had discovered me and taken me for someone who could impart more wisdom among the gathering. He was correct, because I was a representative of the Great Cow, and He had shared with me His illustrious logic, reason and knowledge— all those items that He had so sadistically not provided in full to the humans on the Good Green Earth. Wang Badan beseeched me to impart my wisdom. “O, wanderer, I beseech you, impart your wisdom!” Wang Badan beseeched. “Very well, ” I declared. “But I daresay, I believe that we should let a hundred flowers bloom and
a hundred schools of thought contend. This meeting is not solely of my thought or conduct! I am simply here as an observer, as a guide! You shall think upon yourselves in order to find the most enlightenment!” Wang Badan and the others around him murmured in muted agreement. “O, wanderer, we as a collective have looked upon the existence of humanity and attempted to make sense of the predicament that we are in; however, I daresay that although we seem to have formulated a fitting diagnosis for what doth trouble our species, there is no solution in sight,” said Wang Badan. “And what of this fitting diagnosis?” I inquired. “That there are many flaws to humanity, yet we cannot find any explication for them, or any justification. For the pettiness, for the vast torrents of stupidity. We cannot find meaning, yet it seems that we have been mandated from above to search for it” Wang
ant auspicious metaphorical embodiment of a sphere of nuclear fusion which He sterone-induced vitality, the Great Cow. Abomasum starts off on the Good Green n of humanity’s idiocy. Through his interactions, he begins to have concerns reat Cow shows him the error of his deviant thoughts, and Abomasum happily eat Cow is indeed all-knowing, all-powerful, and all-correct. Badan declared. It was as if the Great Cow had dumped a cold pint of beer upon my head, inciting me to spread his word like spreading what He had termed to forevermore be known as anthrax in mail packages. “Then I beseech you, when thou art troubled, thou shalt look up for enlightenment, up into the skies and the Kingdom of Heaven. There rests, in all his illustriousness and glory, the Great Cow, who shall offer you protection and guidance forevermore. Do not waver in your faith, do not waver even if he does not show, for belief requires blindness, and blindness shall make you see,” I reassured Wang and the others. “And if not, I shall find the Great Cow Himself, and beseech him to convey upon us all what doth make up this reality and what doth make up meaning!” But it was at this point that I realized that it would be most prudent to talk with the Great Cow himself, to consult with him on what he thought of humanity
and its activity. So I lay down in silent prayer and was lifted on a glorious magenta lotus flower to the Kingdom of Heaven.
8:03 CONVERSATIONS WITH THE ALL-KNOWING ONE
, Abomasum kneeled in unyielding reverence before the All-Knowing One, the most illustrious guardian of us all, the Great Cow. I beseeched him: “O, Great Cow, most illustrious lord of mine, please allow me to posit a query of mine!” “Abomasum, my humble servant, I shall indeed let you posit your query as of this moment,” the Great Cow declared to my exaltation. “O, Great Cow, what doth make these humans on the Good Green Earth writhe in their predicament so, and why doth thou not giveth them complete knowledge and wisdom?” I asked. The Great Cow raised one of his brows and began to answer slowly.
“Abomasum, there is much that humanity lacks, yet there is much that it has. It may travel down a thousand rivers, but it may not cleanse, it may journey through a million forests, but it may not see green, it may light a thousand fires, but it may not be warm.” “O, Great Cow, most illustrious one, please forgive me for my insolence, but what doth these words of yours say in their plain meaning?” I queried inquisitively. The Great Cow raised his other eyebrow and began to answer slowly. “The phrase I just uttered was not meant to have plain meaning, and neither doth much in the Good Green Earth that I have created. It is with this thought that I present that the meaning, the purpose, of existence among those lower beings of humanity on the Good Green Earth is to embark upon a journey to discover what meaning there is of existence but to, inevitably, reveal to oneself that indeed there is no such meaning for existence, that meaning itself is nothing more than an illusory mirage, a pint of dehydrated water among a quart of fat-free fat.” “A most glorious revelation indeed, Great Cow, O All-Knowing One, you show your never-ending knowledge with this declaration, my lord!” I expressed in delightful reverence. “But what of this predicament of man, this state of
innocent idiocy they are cast in?” The Great Cow smiled gently. “Abomasum, I beseech you: look deeper into the early portions of my scripture and you shall find clues to what underlies your query. But apropos of your query, I daresay that I know perfectly well what afflicts mankind, for it makes their dealings most pleasurable to observe from my perch here in the Kingdom of Heaven. In truth, what traits compose the nature of humanity are those that incite delightful squeals in my gut when I see such actions as humans who consume themselves in their own combustion reactions.” “But nevertheless, I shall refrain from digression further. The predicament of humanity is an intriguing predicament. It is a predicament defined by what it lacks and what it possesses. What it lacks is intelligence, reason, logic, and a respect for the aforementioned; what it possesses is disgusting sentimentality and emotion, hedonistic desire, and the capacity to craft exceedingly truthful lies. But this predicament can be used to our advantage, to our amusement, and in fact, it is beneficial to humanity too, for it may give them more enjoyment that I as the Great Cow may enjoy.” “But O Glorious One, how may we take light at the misfortune of the lesser creatures below? How
doth that work in this world?” I queried. “It doth work because I decree it doth work, and that is the only answer thou art allowed to give thyself when thou asketh a query that may rile those above you,” decreed the Great Cow. “Existence is because I, the Great Cow, decree that it exists. Truth is what I, the Great Cow, decree to be true. This world exists on decree, and it exists upon decree because I decree it so.” I listened in silent reverence. “When a decree comes from above, it is a commandment of holy proportions; humanity shall respect it fully, and when it fails to, I shall smite it with fire and 16-protonated elements. Now,
Abomasum, I command you, go forth upon the Good Green Earth, and reap the humans unto our granary of faith, so that they may discover a measure of truth and be enlightened forevermore!” And with that, I was transferred upon the soil of the Good Green Earth.
3:98 EXHORTATIONS OF THE PROSELYTIZING ONE
nd I, Abomasum, journeyed upon the Good Green Earth for years to come, informing humanity of their state of nature and enlightening them to the path of the Great Cow. It was fun.
The Tome of Om
An account of Omasum, the Fourth Prophet of His illustrious lordship, His radian He has obviously created with his ever-glorious power, His ever-potent duke of tes efforts, attempts to deliver treatments for the predicament of humanity. However, t wants to do and begun to implement it. Omasum then notes the actions that the Gr
nd it came to pass that I, Omasum, stood before the Great Cow in the Kingdom of Heaven, having been touched by the work of my predecessor, Abomasum. “O Great Cow,” I beseeched upon the All-Knowing One, “Is it not true that you would desire more power?” “You are correct in that assumption, my humble servant, but wherefore do you ask such a query?” The Great Cow answered upon me. I kneeled down and presented my case in the most reverent manner possible: “O Great Cow, I believe that if we instituted a formal system of faith in which the humans of the Good Green Earth could worship you with as much zeal as I do, it would enable you to more effectively execute your schadenfreudeladen desires and also give the humans somewhat of a measure of what you recently termed to forevermore be known
as hope in combating their woeful predicament without bringing harm to your personal enjoyment.” “Intriguing. Continue.” The Great Cow beseeched upon me, his eyes lighting up with more glory than they originally were imbued with. “I believe that this system preys upon the very same innate traits of humanity that make their current predicament so idiotic, yet allows them to believe that they have the chance to remove themselves from that predicament or at least mollify its effects. In addition, it would give you more devotion, which would enable you to control the humans more directly to perform acts of amusing idiocy,” I continued. “Omasum, you do me well, but, in fact, it was I that originated this idea about three point one four seconds before you did, and it was I that implemented this idea about two point seven one seconds before I uttered this sentence. In addition, I have also expanded
nt auspicious metaphorical embodiment of a sphere of nuclear fusion which stosterone-induced vitality, The Great Cow. Omasum, inspired by Abomasum’s the Great Cow, in his all-knowing state, has already thought of what Omasum reat Cow takes.
upon this notion of hope to further ensure the unquestioning devotion of humans,” the Great Cow pronounced. “May I inquire in what manner you have crafted this insurance policy?” I inquired. “Indeed you may, Omasum. You see, I have opened the Kingdom of Heaven to humanity, albeit those humans who successfully complete the Commoner Application and are offered admission to the Kingdom. This prospect of admission to the Kingdom and bask in my everlasting glory forevermore and gaze down in sadistic joy at those in the lower planes will exploit the humans’ animalistic desires; yet, because I project that admissions will only account for around 6.9% of applications on an annual basis, I have also created other options. I have created a special waitlist option for those who may spend their waitlist time in the State of Purgatory. But those will be in the minority, for most will
eventually reside forevermore in the People’s Republic of Hell, where they indeed do serve beer,” the Great Cow pronounced. “And for those who refuse to believe, I shall discover a more fitting punishment after I form the Admissions Committee of the Kingdom of Heaven.” “May I commend you on your all-knowing intelligence, creativity, and capacity for innovation?” I spoke unto the Great Cow. “You may,” the Great Cow pronounced. “Then I commend you on your all-knowing intelligence, creativity, and capacity for innovation, My Lord!” I spoke unto the Great Cow. “And your commendation shall not go unrewarded, for I reward you with the position of overseeing the implementation and documentation of the actions I am about to take to assist humanity in lifting itself from its predicament whilst dooming it further to the whims of my
sadistic pleasures,â€? the Great Cow pronounced. I kowtowed before the Great Cow and awaited the tasks that he would bestow upon me.
1:59 THE NINE COMMANDMENTS
nd it came to pass that the Great Cow took it upon Himself to issue codified instructions for humanity to do His bidding in a structured manner. The Great Cow issued upon the humans of the Good Green Earth nine commandments to guide their behavior. In His everlasting glory, He summoned upon nine platinum tablets and carved the commandments into them, casting the commandments unto the Good Green Earth and, whilst I observed, announced them to all humanity in his booming voice of everlasting glory. And here is what he recited: Commandment One: I am His illustrious lordship, His radiant auspicious metaphorical embodiment of a sphere of nuclear fusion which He has obviously created with his everglorious power, His ever-potent duke of testosterone-induced vitality, the Great Cow. Thou shalt worship no other Cows before me. Commandment Two: Thou shalt not be a blockheaded dolt Commandment Three: Thou shalt
adhere to a one-child policy Commandment Four: Thou shalt not kill, except in holy crusades in the service of the Great Cow and except in cases where you may lay the unbelievers down unto dust Commandment Five: Thou shalt not steal, except whilst utilizing what I term to forevermore be known as a Torrent Commandment Six: Thou shalt not take the name of your Cow, the Great Cow, in vain, and thou shalt address me as such or as the Holy Cow Commandment Seven: Thou shalt not be annoying Commandment Eight: Thou shalt not divide by zero Commandment Nine: Thou shalt not make up a Tenth Commandment
2:65 APPLYING FOR ADMISSION TO THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
nd it came to pass that the Great Cow began to implement the details of his most illustriously and gloriously ingenious method to forevermore cow the humans into compliance, his idea of providing them with an everglorious incentive: the prospect of entering the Kingdom of Heaven. As the Great Cow told to me at the moment, â€œHark! All those who shall be true to my word shall enjoy the opportunity to apply for admission to the Kingdom
of Heaven, and all those who stray from the true path shall be rendered unto dust and cast into what I term to forevermore be known as a black hole.” And he further pronounced: “Let us form the Admissions Committee of the Kingdom of Heaven, and I shall be its head Admissions Officer! Let us perform a holistic evaluation of every applicant, and we shall bring into special consideration underrepresented subgroups that add to the diversity of the Kingdom of Heaven!” And for each individual denied entrance to the Kingdom of Heaven, the Great Cow decreed that the following message be sent: Dear Applicant, It is with regret that I write to inform you that we are unable to offer you admission to the Kingdom of Heaven. Please know that this decision does not reflect any deficiency or weakness in your application. We are humbled by your talents and achievements, and are impressed with the commitment that you have shown in all of your devotion to the Great Cow. We appreciate the thoughtfulness and care that went into your application and want to assure you that your candidacy received thorough and serious consideration. This decision should in no way detract from the very impressive
credentials that you presented; due to the large number of applications that we receive for a comparatively small admissions quota, we must unfortunately disappoint a vast majority of our applicants each year. You should know that we arrive at all admission decisions by way of an exhaustive committee review process. As a result, all application decisions are final, and we are unable to consider appeals of any kind. I want to thank you for your interest in the Kingdom of Heaven and the effort that you put into your application. I wish you the very best for an outstanding experience in the People’s Republic of Hell. Sincerely, The Great Cow
3:58 LAWRENCE OF SAXONY, A CASE STUDY
nd it came to pass that after this system was implemented, I observed many a intriguing occurrence apropos of the admissions process. Many generations did come to reap the benefits of this most efficient glorious Admissions Committee, however many a qualified applicant was denied entrance to the most prestigious institution of the Kingdom of Heaven. One of these was Lawrence of Saxony, who audaciously applied but was denied entrance by the Great Cow’s Admissions
Committee. However, young Lawrence was placed into the State of Purgatory rather than being banished to the People’s Republic of Hell. Upon entrance into Purgatory, Lawrence found himself in the company of many otherwise qualified Applicants to the Kingdom of Heaven who were cast into the State of Purgatory by the Great Cow. Lawrence decided to embark upon an effort to prove himself worth of the Great Cow’s acceptance and love, and admission into His Kingdom of Heaven. Lawrence conjured a scroll of parchment and a quill and began to write. He wrote of his continued devotion to the Great Cow as he resided in the State of Purgatory, and of the many things he hoped to accomplish should he be admitted into the Kingdom of Heaven rather than be banished to the People’s Republic of Hell. He wrote of the knowledge he sought to acquire of the Great Cow’s ways and the furtherment of his devotion to the Great Cow. And when Lawrence was done with his most glorious letter, he placed upon it his most brilliant signature and affixed a most excellent seal upon it to deliver to the Great Cow himself, but of course, I, Omasum, instead was assigned to intercept the letter and deliver it unto the Burning Trash heaps where so many other
letters lay. And so months passed around Lawrence as he awaited patiently in the State of Purgatory, continuing in his daily rituals of worship to the Great Cow. On one particularly momentous day, Lawrence was interrupted in his daily prostrations by the release and deliverance of the admissions decisions upon those poor humans who rested in the State of Purgatory. And did Lawrence receive admission into the most heavenly Kingdom of Heaven? Nay, for Lawrence had received a scroll of rejection, and was to be sent to the People’s Republic of Hell. The Great Cow expressed His deepest sorrows at not being able to graze the glorious pastures of the Kingdom of Heaven with Lawrence before concluding His message by informing Lawrence of His best wishes for Lawrence to have an outstanding time in the People’s Republic of Hell. And so it came to be that Lawrence arrived in the People’s Republic of Hell.
7:93 GLORIOUS-SIZE ME!
nd it came to pass that=t the Great Cow found yet another most gloriously effective method for entrapping humanity in His fold by making them horridly dependent on and engrossed with solid apparitions of himself.
As he pronounced to me: â€œOmasum, I shall bring upon the earth millions of delectable cows that the humans will want to consume, and they shall consume them with zeal and vigor. It is my decree as the Great Cow that the humans shall consume the meat of these animals, which I shall differentiate from myself by terming their meat to forevermore be known as beef, in order to always have a reminder of me deep inside their hearts, minds, and digestive systems. They shall having lasting reminders of what glorious taste the teachings of mine can bring them, and shall be forever dependent on those creations.â€? And it came to pass that I came to observe the Great Cow casting millions of these delectable hunks of beef upon the Good Green Earth. But the Great Cow had more glorious actions in store besides that. From above, He created what He termed to forevermore be known as steak, and also what He termed to forevermore be known as barbecue. From this, the illustrious and glorious land of Texas rendered itself into the most pure land on the Good Green Earth with everlastingly glorious and unwavering literal belief in the Great Cow and His teachings. But the 696,200 square kilometers of Texas did not
please the Great Cow. He wanted to expand this glorious and unwavering literal belief to the rest of the Good Green Earth, so he created what he termed to forevermore be known as a hamburger. To convey this hamburger across the seven continents of the Good Green Earth, he created the Abode of the Golden Arches. With his ever-glorious power, the Great Cow pronounced that humanity shall possess an unwavering desire to visit the Abode of the Golden Arches. And it came to pass that much of humanity (except those in the most destitute portions of the Good Green Earth), grew amply sized with large reminders of their reverence and devotion for the Great Cow bulging from the inside of their bodies. Some individuals, especially in the land that the Great Cow termed to forevermore be known as America, were the epitome of perfect devotion, for their reverence for the Great Cow manifested themselves in posterior regions that were so filled with reminders of the Great Cow that they began to exert large gravitational forces upon other objects in their vicinity, enough to cause said objects to begin elliptically rotating around those aforementioned regions. And applications for admission to the Kingdom of Heaven also began to exponentially increase.
And the Great Cow uttered
when He was inspired by the Wizard with the long white wisp of streaming hair, â€œthis fun is done.â€?
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