This Time

Mahoney / This Time / !1 Anabelle Mahoney 9 Priscilla Ln Winchester, MA 01890 339-293-2096 anabellesmahoney@gmail.com

about 2,900 words

This Time

By Anabelle Mahoney

Evelyn stared at the burning embers of what was her home, asking herself what could possibly be done now. The smell of smoke was heavy and thick in the air as beads of sweat formed on her forehead and arms. The fire was slowing down, but her heart rate was not. She glanced around her plot of farmland far outside of town and knew the firemen might still be a while away. Hell of a lot of good they would do now. The surrounding smoke seemed not to be a passive entity, but something tangible that choked her. Evelyn inhaled deeply as if to punish herself and looked to her granddaughters standing by her side. The two girls were barefoot and covered in soot, grasping the other’s hand. Rachel, blonde-haired with big brown eyes, was holding a picture of their mother in her other hand. Addy squished closer to her big sister, her brown curly hair in disarray. Addy clutched her blankey and asked her sister, very softly, to see the picture of their mama. Rachel put the picture in the middle of them and they both looked on.

That was their favorite picture of their mother. Bright eyed and happy, Angela looked so full of

Mahoney / This Time / !2 life. Not at all how she looked in the end. Rachel and Addy were not crying aloud as children normally do in similar circumstances. Instead, silent tears rolled down their faces. They had learned too young that their pain could not be quelled by voicing it aloud. Evelyn had never seen the expressions they wore on other kids before. It was unnerving. Their expressions were more suggestive of adults who have seen too much.

Behind Evelyn’s granddaughters was her son staring at the fire. Kyle wore a wistful expression—an expression his face was getting used to. He was once a happy and boisterous man. He still smiled frequently, but it seemed just to be in attempt to encourage his daughters to do the same. Kyle met Evelyn’s gaze with unreadable eyes. She adored her son, but when he looked at her, she felt as if she didn’t even know him. She didn’t know the man he had become as she was no longer privy to his thoughts. He had kept his emotions to himself after Angela lost her long battle with cancer. For the past two years, she had let him mourn without encouraging him to do otherwise. Tonight she would mourn too. She would mourn for the safe and predictable, if boring, future she had promised her son and granddaughters. She would mourn her ability to protect them and the promises that were effectively broken. Evelyn inhaled deeply again and felt herself begin to lose consciousness. The pine trees decorating the skyline swayed and swirled around her, closing her in. She surrendered completely. # The next morning, Evelyn assumed—without opening her eyes—she was in a hospital bed. The smell of smoke was still fresh in her nose. She squeezed her eyes tighter together and hoped that everything had all been a dream. Everything. She imagined that she had remembered to blow out the last candle. She imagined that her granddaughters were happy and secure. She

Mahoney / This Time / !3 imagined them dancing gaily as little girls ought to. When she rolled over, she noticed that something about the bed seemed familiar and comfortable to her. She opened her eyes then and her heart stopped. She was in her own room. In her own house. In the house she watched burn down last night. She screamed shrilly and sprang out of bed. However much she hoped everything was a dream, she had witnessed the events with her own eyes. There was nothing she could dream that would ever come close to being that realistic or heart wrenching or awful. Just then, her son came running into the room.

“What is it?” he asked, “What’s wrong?”

If she thought she lost her mind before, she was sure of it now. Kyle had just recently turned forty years old, but the boy who stood in front of her now looked little older than twenty.

She felt her face drain of all color. This was her son. The son she had known long ago. He waggled his eyebrows at her.

“You look like you saw a ghost,” he told her.

“Something like that,” she murmured.

If the fire was in fact a dream, then everything else had to be a dream too. Everything for the past twenty years? She could be more easily persuaded that she was on a different planet.

Not wanting to worry her son, she told him, “I just had a bad dream. Do you know what the date is today?”

“May 1st,” he told her.

That was the right day. She dared not ask the question that she really intended. She thanked Kyle and he nodded, flashing a brilliant smile before walking out of the room.

Mahoney / This Time / !4 Evelyn made her way over to her dresser, shaking her head, as if to shake out everything that didn’t make sense. Before she realized what she was doing, she looked into her mirror. She screamed again, but this time she slapped her hand over her mouth. She should have mentally prepared for the image she saw in front of her. She hardly recognized herself. Her hair was not gray like it had been for the past ten years or so. Instead she just saw a few white hairs that she only noticed in contrast to her deep, black hair. Her face that had been wrinkled from pressing her eyebrows together in worry, only showed signs of aging at the corners of her eyes from smiling. She was twenty years younger as well, though it felt like more than that. She had done a lot of aging recently.

Suddenly, Evelyn’s mind flashed to her granddaughters. In her nightgown, she tiptoed quietly over to the room they shared. She pressed on the door lightly and it squeaked as it opened. They weren’t inside and the room held none of their belongings. It was the plain, spare bedroom it had been before they moved in. As she crept back to her own room, she mourned the memory of her granddaughters who were not born yet in this version of reality. Her heart felt heavy and she allowed a few tears to escape from her eyes. In her room, she lay back down on her bed for a moment. Behind her eyelids, she saw her granddaughters dancing again.

Evelyn opened her eyes a moment later and got a chill. In this world, her daughter-in-law was still alive…Try as she might to push that thought to the back of her head, she couldn’t.

Evelyn decided that if she were to live twenty years over again, she would at least make some use out of her time. Why would she watch her life, and her loved ones’ lives, end up the same way? She would make changes. She also wouldn't tell her son what she knew. How could she?

Her biggest contemplation for change involved him. She was the one who had introduced him to

Mahoney / This Time / !5 his wife, the love of his life. Angela would die ten years into their marriage, leaving him to care for their two small children and nurse his broken heart alone. Evelyn would see to it that Kyle would not have to go through the same agony again. She felt tears welling up in her throat. She had to see Angela again. If only one more time. She closed her eyes and cried for the memory of her granddaughters once more. # Evelyn set out to see Angela before she could change her mind. She ventured out into this new world, or rather, this old world. Angela was the daughter of one of her friends, so she decided to pay her friend a visit first. After arriving at her friend’s house, she took a deep breath before climbing out of her car. To her surprise, Angela opened the door. Evelyn froze and had to catch her breath. Angela wore a subdued lavender dress that on any other woman would look dull. Her smile lit up her whole face and her hair danced in golden curls about her head like a halo.

“My Mom’s not here right now—she forgot something at the supermarket,” she told Evelyn. “She should be back soon though. You’re welcome to come inside.”

Evelyn stared at her in dismay. She shouldn’t have come. What had she expected would happen? She could see her granddaughters in Angela. She could see her son’s smile echoing her’s. Evelyn’s knees wobbled. She gripped the railing of the front porch to keep herself upright.

“That’s okay,” Evelyn murmured, “Another time.”

Evelyn stumbled back to her car. She flung herself inside and braced her hands on the steering wheel. She took in a deep breath, trying to find some piece of reality to ground herself to. It wasn’t everyday that you got to see the dead.

Mahoney / This Time / !6 # When Evelyn finally got back home, her son was all smiles and exuberance.

“What’s gotten into you?” she asked him “I ran into your friend at the supermarket earlier today and I met her daughter, Angela.”

Evelyn froze. Previously, the only reason Kyle and Angela met was because of her. And now they just casually ran into each other at the supermarket of all places? What was her son even doing at the supermarket? He could hardly make toast without burning it.

“Oh, yeah?” she managed to say.

“Yeah, I’m going to get dinner with Angela later tonight,” he said, still smiling. “It’s so weird,” he added, “She seems so familiar…I feel like I’ve known her before.”

Evelyn was awestruck. She had seemingly traveled back in time just to watch her life follow the same pattern. She was more than awestruck—she was angry. But angry with whom, she didn’t know. She didn’t know where to cast blame. Herself? Surely this was her fault. Surely she was being punished. But for what, she also didn’t know. For some reason, she had been sent back in time with memories of the future. She would have to find out why.

“I know I sound crazy,” her son said, flushing.

“No,” she told him, “No, not at all.” # As time passed, Evelyn became enchanted with Angela once more and watched her son wear a smile like it was his only facial expression. Sometimes Angela would come over for dinner. She would often help Evelyn cook and would sing as they did so. Her son would watch, being quite handicapped in the kitchen. Angela sang all of her son’s favorite songs as if not to

Mahoney / This Time / !7 make him feel badly for his lack of help cooking. His favorite song was Billy Joel’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” though Angela only knew the chorus, so Kyle would regale them with all of the lines in between.

Evelyn was rather conflicted with her feelings. She loved seeing Kyle and Angela happy together, but it also felt bittersweet. She hoped it would last this time. Evelyn tried her best to stay focused on the present. It was a novel idea that made her chuckle whenever she thought about it. Stay focused on the present. She didn’t know which present she was referring to. She also still didn’t know why she was here. # Evelyn watched her son and daughter-in-law get married again and waited patiently for her granddaughters to be born once more. When they were born, she encouraged them to spend a lot of time with their mama and to be happy. She spent a lot of time with them too and made sure they got more than enough hugs and kisses. She would play games with them and bake cookies with them. Baking cookies was their favorite because Rachel and Addy would always sit with Evelyn on either ends of her armchair to wait for the cookies to bake. They snuggled their necks towards Evelyn and were quiet for the only time all day.

It was a comfortable silence that would only be broken by Addy’s asking, “Grandma, are the cookies ready yet?”

Evelyn, who counted herself the luckiest grandmother in the world to have two lifetimes with her granddaughters would always reply, “Everything in its time.”

Sometimes Angela would come home early from work and join them. The girls would run up to their mama and give her a big hug. Angela would bend down and pick each of them up,

Mahoney / This Time / !8 holding them on either side of her hip as she staggered over to the couch. Evelyn would move over to the couch too so they could all sit together.

“Were you good for Grandma?”

“Yes,” The girls would say in unison after glancing over at Evelyn who nodded in encouragement.

Angela always thanked Evelyn for watching the girls, but it was never necessary. She loved spending time with her granddaughters.

“What did you girls do today?” Angela would ask.

The girls would tell their mama all about their day and then add, “But we missed you.”

“I missed you too,” Angela would tell them, “but you’re always with me,” she’d say pointing to her heart, “and I’m always with you.” # Through some clever maneuvering, Evelyn persuaded Angela to be screened for early signs of cancer. She decided that her purpose was not to stop her son and daughter-in-law from getting together, but to help save her daughter-in-law’s life. Evelyn was thrilled when the cancer was detected early and Angela beat it. A couple weeks afterwards, Evelyn decided to take the whole family out for dinner to celebrate.

At dinner, Angela simultaneously looked wearier and stronger than she ever had. Rachel and Addy, with chocolate milks in hand, smiled and giggled in that contagious way that only young children can. Evelyn couldn’t help but look at her granddaughters and beam. Surely those two girls could never do any wrong. Kyle looked even wearier than Angela, but there was no mistaking the undeniable pride held for his wife in his eyes. Evelyn looked at her family and

Mahoney / This Time / !9 smiled, tears welling in her eyes. Evelyn was proud of Angela too, as well as her son and granddaughters. And not just for how they behaved in this situation, but for being the people they were. The people who shared some of their lives with her. Her family. Her blood. # When Evelyn got home that night, she slept soundly. She was almost not awoken by the sound of the phone ringing early in the morning. It was Kyle. She could barely hear that words that choked out of his mouth in between sobs. But, Evelyn didn’t need to hear the words. Her whole world came crashing down before her. She remained motionless. She dared not even breathe. Angela had died in a car accident. How could Evelyn have forgotten. Today was the same morning that Angela died of cancer a lifetime ago. She pictured her daughter-in-law— bright eyed and light haired. She had radiated with strength at dinner. Evelyn still didn’t move.

She felt the sting of betrayal. She did not know from whom she felt this betrayal, but it stung deep in her heart nonetheless. She had thought Angela would live. She believed it with her whole being. The universe seemed to be laughing at her. How foolish she must be to believe she could change anything that seemed to be destined. She managed to murmur reassurances to her son while she stared up at the off-white celling of her bedroom, wondering what she had done to deserve such cruelness. # Twenty years after the first time, Evelyn watched her house burn down again, unsure of the cause this time. Her son and granddaughters were by her side as before. Rachel and Addy were not as they were in that previous lifetime though. Evelyn didn’t know what it was, but they didn’t seem broken. Foolishly, all Evelyn could think of was Angela singing, “We Didn’t Start

Mahoney / This Time / !10 the Fire.” The chorus danced in her head. We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning. We didn't start the fire. No we didn't light it but we tried to fight it. She couldn’t help but notice the similarities in the lyrics to her own life. Tried to fight it. She tried to fight the outcome of her family’s life during the past twenty years. But that wasn’t the point at all, was it? She couldn’t change the outcomes, but maybe she managed to change their perspectives.

Evelyn walked over to the ashes of her home after the firemen came. Something shiny caught her eye. She picked up a picture of her daughter-in-law in the rubble and walked back to show her son and granddaughters. Her son stared at the picture, confused.

“I don’t remember that picture,” he said, his eyebrows furrowing.

It was at that moment that Evelyn remembered the picture. She fought a wave of nausea that was not induced by the smoke. The picture was from that first lifetime, many years ago. She watched her granddaughters smile at the picture and knew instantly that everything would be okay. Lifetimes could not separate these two girls from their mama.