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Editors’ Desk We’re With Her: 2016 Presidential Endorsment

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his election should be a no brainer. In one candidate, we have an unprecedentedly experienced former secretary of state, New York senator, and first lady, with a well-fleshed out plan to make the future brighter and more prosperous for all Americans. In her opponent, we have a careening fool’s goldplated rocket ship hell-bent on taking us on a one-way trip back to the 1950s. Voting in this election isn’t rocket science. Endorsements of this sort generally tend to focus on how awful the other candidate is and how, despite the flaws of the candidate soon to be endorsed, he or she is our only hope. Hillary Clinton, however, is an impeccably qualified candidate for the presidency, regardless of her opponent. One of her biggest strengths is her extensive network of past and current connections in Washington.Being part of the “establishment” does not disqualify Mrs. Clinton. Rather, it suggests that she is particularly well-prepared to serve as president. The relationships Mrs. Clinton has built will allow her to achieve compromise, lead effectively, and open valuable chains of communication. Through her work as secretary of state, Mrs. Clinton established rapport with foreign leaders, placing her in a comfortable position to negotiate and develop coalitions with countries around the globe as president. In short, her wealth of knowledge and experience in both domestic and foreign governmental affairs has few equals. Mrs. Clinton’s proposals concerning immigration, education, clean energy, jobs, infrastructure, and criminal justice reform, among others, demonstrate a desire to build on the nation’s past successes and ensure that historical financial and cultural barriers to personal success will continue to be eroded. Her nuanced and detailed policy proposals offer a better deal to our nation than the ill-conceived and

Zackary Boullt - Editor in Cheif

dangerous whims of Donald Trump. Unlike her opponent, whose call to “make America great again” is rooted in a horrid pessimism about our national identity, Mrs. Clinton recognizes the greatness that generations of hard-working Americans have already built while identifying those areas needing improvement. This brand of self-reflective optimism is a much more accurate representation of Americans than Mr. Trump’s polemics. For many, Mrs. Clinton is not the ideal candidate. AMP is quite familiar with the scandals haunting Mrs. Clinton and her campaign. After all, we endorsed Bernie Sanders for president back in April. It is the right and duty of every voter to acknowledge these criticisms of Mrs. Clinton’s character and consider them when deciding how to vote. However, Mrs. Clinton’s Wall Street ties, mishandling of emails, and potential negligence in the Benghazi crisis pale in comparison to the raging typhoon that is the Republican candidate. Mr. Trump has shamelessly encouraged and harnessed humanity’s most shameful and embarrassing instincts, including misogyny, xenophobia, racism, homophobia, and violence. A Trump presidency would only affirm and motivate those that hold these views. A Clinton presidency, on the other hand, would strive for tolerance, acceptance, equality, and peace. These ideals have motivated the progress of not only the United States but humanity at large since the dawn of civilization. If we want to continue humanity’s upward climb toward liberty and justice for all, then a Clinton presidency is our best bet. AMP proudly endorses Hillary Clinton for President of the United States and looks with hope toward the brighter future she will provide.

Matt Carpenter - Managing Editor


IN THIS ISSUE 06 08 10

Lesser Evil, Greater Good

Editor-in-Chief Zachary Boullt

by angeera naser

Managing Editor

Voting third party sabotages your political interests

Matt Carpenter

Keeping A Global Perspective

by vishal keswani Out next president has a minefiels of international problems to navigate

A Hostile Home

Art Director Bryar Bennett

Web Editor Nicholas Provenghi

Marketing Director

by valeria acosta Everyday milestones become difficult hurdles for immigrant students

Ruchika Darapaneni

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Food for Thought: Hoki Poki

Staff Designers

by bryar bennett

Jennifer Moravits Shannon Ramirez Katie Risor

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DJ Showcase: Arcade Stereo

Contributers

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How to (Not) Talk About the Election

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by amp staff

by maisha razzaque

Rad Fibs: Election Outcome 2016 by nick chiavel

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UTD Heroes: Ross Ulbricht

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Redeem Our Memes

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by zachary boullt

by maria neblett

2024

by nick chiavel

Valeria Acosta Nick Chiavel Vishal Keswani Angeera Naser Maria Neblett Maisha Razzaque

Media Adviser Chad Thomas

Disclaimer Opinions expressed in AMP are those of the editor or of the writer of the article and are not necessarily those of the university administration, the board of Regents of the University of Texas System, or of the operating board of the magazine.

Have an opinion? Think you’re funny? Write for AMP! Contact us at amodestproposal@gmail.com and follow us on social media for more information.


AMPLIFY YOUR VOICE This month, AMP explored student opinion concerning voting in the presidential election. We asked 49 students about their satisfaction with the choices of candidates and their intentions for voting third party. For more info on whether or not it’s worth voting third party, turn to page 6 for “Lesser Evil, Greater Good.” Are you happy with who you’re voting for President?

51% 49% 73% 27%

Are you voting a third party for President?

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Is this your first time voting?

53% 47% If yes, are you excited to vote for the first time?

60%

40% november 2016

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OPINION

.Voting third .party sabotages .your political .interests 06

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ith the presidential election mere days away, perhaps you’re realizing that neither of the frontrunners adequately represent the values you stand for. Both Trump and Clinton have been caught contradicting themselves and making decisions that call into question their trustworthiness — in fact, they are two of the least popular presidential frontrunners in recent memory. But if neither of them are qualified to be commander in chief, what other options are there? Surely, you wonder, there must be someone running for office who you can trust with your vote. Someone you can vote for, instead of against. Someone, if nothing else, with whom you can join in taking a stand against the evil, ever-present political establishment. Short answer: no matter how bad Trump and Clinton are, voting for a third party is still a horrible decision. Third-party voting is a hotly debated subject every election cycle, but this year it has been more present in political conversations and the media than it has since 2000. Disgruntled Bernie supporters and relatively moderate anti-Trump Republicans alike have been searching for alternatives to the two readily available evils. Meanwhile, the leading third-party nominees, Gary Johnson of the Libertarian Party and Jill Stein of the Green Party, are both doing their best to show the nation that there are more than just two options. Despite the allure of their alternative views and antiestablishment status, it’s clear, between Stein’s lack of political experience and Johnson’s “Aleppo moments,” that the two aren’t necessarily better candidates. It’s just that their flaws, for the most part, aren’t as widely broadcasted as Clinton’s or Trump’s. In practice, Gary Johnson only barely subscribes to Libertarian ideals. His fiscal policy history is questionable at best (he increased New Mexico’s debt by $2.8 billion during his term as governor). Moreover, his grasp on several domestic and foreign policy issues is famously tenuous; for example, in September, Johnson was unable to name a single living foreign leader. Stein, on the other hand, has some fairly severe integrity issues – she’s given dubious answers about her stances on vaccination and other aspects of public health, made more dubious by her status as a doctor. Her running mate, Ajamu Baraka, has a long record of political activism but sports academically elitist attitudes and worryingly radical tendencies. Additionally, the only times Stein has ever held political office were in 2005 and 2008, as “Town of Lexington Meeting Representative,” meaning that she does not have the experience or connections necessary to lead the country. Putting the candidates’ faults aside, even if Trump and Clinton were perfect, voting third party has always been and will always be a terrible idea. America has had a two-party system since the 1790s, and the entire system of voting fundamentally supports its existence.


Lesser Evil

GREATER GOOD The Electoral College, which allocates a number of electors to each state and ensures that the candidate with the largest plurality of votes in a state wins all of that state’s electors, puts third-party candidates at a heavy disadvantage. Third parties can succeed in other countries because of a system of proportional representation that does not exist in the United States. The only possible way for a third party to win is for the candidate to win over 40% of the vote in a three-way or four-way race, which, pragmatically, is not going to happen; even the most successful third-party candidates in history, Ross Perot (1992) and Teddy Roosevelt (1912), garnered only about half of that. Essentially, a third-party candidate has never, and will never clinch the presidency in the foreseeable future. Many potential voters realize this, but the appeal of an ethical vote, one that protests the broken system, is still incredibly strong. Sanders’s campaign built up a lot of momentum, especially among young voters. It swept social media and left a lot of frustration and broken hearts in its wake. After working so hard against Clinton, many of his supporters refuse to acknowledge her as a viable candidate. These people make up the vast majority of Stein’s supporters; she offers similar views and lofty promises, as well as a running mate with a lengthy record as a human rights activist. On the flip side, many of Johnson’s supporters happen to be (former) Republicans who dislike the party’s current direction. Despite their ideological differences, both Stein’s and Johnson’s fervent supporters are voting for their chosen candidate because they believe it is unethical — undemocratic, even — to pick the lesser of two evils, regardless of whether their candidate can win. However well-intentioned this line of thinking might be, it’s also incredibly shortsighted. Voting for a candidate with no chance of winning means that the contrasting major-party candidate has a greater chance of winning. For example, more votes for Stein only limit Clinton’s and increase Trump’s chances of winning. This isn’t just conjecture; it’s history repeating itself. In the 2000 presidential election, the frontrunners were Al Gore (D) and George W. Bush (R), but a third-party nominee named Ralph Nader gained a lot of traction. Nader spouted much of the same rhetoric that we still hear from independents and their supporters today: that both parties were essentially the same, that major-party politicians never kept their promises or incited any real change, et cetera. He was, according to U.S. News, the “preferred candidate of what was then known as ‘alternative culture.’” His appeal was that he was anti-

establishment, and many people who disliked Gore for not being “left enough” or for not embodying their values sufficiently voted for Nader instead. Nader, of course, did not win; the presidency went to Bush, who subsequently gifted the nation the wars on Iraq and Afghanistan, the 2008 financial crisis, and a massive budget deficit during his eight-year term, and is now ranked as one of the worst presidents in American history. If leftists had united to vote for the lesser of two evils, then Al Gore – who already had the majority of the popular vote – would have won, and trillions of dollars, as well as millions of lives, would not have been unnecessarily lost. Now, hundreds of former Nader supporters are pleading with people, especially young voters, to not repeat their mistakes. This year, the stakes are even higher than they were in 2000. Trump has no political experience, no coherent or stable plans for the presidency, and, frankly, dangerous attitudes regarding almost every category of domestic and foreign policy. If he wins in November, every remotely societally disenfranchised demographic is going to suffer potentially devastating losses. Clinton is by no means an ideal candidate; she has time and again failed to gain the public’s trust, she tries too hard (and ultimately fails) to be relatable, and she has some views even many Democrats find morally repugnant. However, she is one of the most politically experienced candidates to ever run for president, and she had a significantly favorable public rating during her time as Secretary of State. She has the experience, knowledge, and temperament necessary to lead the country, and therefore it’s a futile endeavor to pretend that a Trump and a Clinton presidency would be equally damaging. Politics is a realm of compromise and concession. Voting for the major-party candidate with views the closest to your own may be unsavory, but it certainly isn’t unethical — not when thousands of lives and the economic and social well-being of the nation is at stake. So, this year, even if your vote goes to the lesser of two evils, rest assured: it’s ultimately working for the greater good.

ANGEERA NASER sophomore | CS/moleculor biology When she isn’t busy drawing or coding, Angeera can be found letting people know about her very strong opinions

november 2016

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OPINION

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E V I T C E SP

ba o l g a g keepin

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Our next president has a minefield of international problems to navigate

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ou might already have made up your mind about who you want to see as the next president of the United States. Not that you have many options. D-Day is less than a week away, and President Obama is already bidding adieu to his staff at The White House, his home for the last eight years. Soon it will be either the Clinton family or the Trump brigade occupying the palace in the capital. U.S. citizens have devoted a lot of mental energy into determining who deserves their vote. After all, the candidates’ wildly diverging

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platforms will have major ramifications on many citizens’ daily lives. In this turmoil and concern over domestic issues, though, it’s easy to forget the countless ways that the United States and its commander in chief affect world relations and the citizens of other nations. Other countries’ leaders have already begun outlining their different strategies depending on who becomes the new president, and Trump has already accomplished the building of at least one wall — a diplomatic one between the United States and nations he has insulted and disparaged. Of course, Democratic candidate Clinton’s policies and previous relationships with nations as secretary of state demand to be given close attention as well. Firstly, immigration, which is a pivotal point of his platform. Donald Trump has been vocal, to say the least, on immigration and the approach he would take toward illegal immigrants coming into the United States. Some goals pertain to prevention, such as increased aerial surveillance, increased staffing, more fencing, and, of course, the wall. But prevention is hardly the main focus. Trump’s primary aim is the immediate mass deportation of all undocumented people, even illegal immigrants that entered the U.S. legally and never left. He also said that he plans to cut federal funding for the cities that have shown leniency to illegal immigrants. Such a plan would create immediate backlash not only among our own populace and the cities and towns illegal immigrants call home, but also among the nations that will face a large, immediate population influx. Clinton, on the other hand, plans to give leeway to undocumented people so that they can attain U.S. citizenship while enforcing detention and deportation of violent criminals. This much more nuanced approach will lessen strain between the US and immigrant nations while protecting the livelihoods of immigrant residents. The multinational nuclear deal with Iran is one of the most recent and important foreign policy initiatives. Polar opposition on this issue exists between Clinton and Trump, the latter of whom doesn’t ignore any opportunity to bad-mouth the deal. The Republican candidate wants to renegotiate the deal if he gets the chance, in classic Trump style. Clinton, who played a major role in laying the groundwork for the deal’s formation while working in the Obama administration, wants to go ahead with the deal. Her stance is to re-apply the sanctions on Iran if the country fails to comply in any way. There is a high likelihood that Trump’s idea of renegotiation won’t be welcomed by Iran. In this way, Clinton’s agreement to lift sanctions in the event of no bad behavior makes her a better ally. Any sort of agreement or goodwill that can be gained is important in that area of the world, especially in terms of dealing with issues surrounding ISIS and Israel. Something that is troubling the United States’ trade status is China’s presence in certain international markets, a sensitive matter for whoever becomes the next president. Clinton believes that increasing cooperation with China in the areas that are of common interest to both the countries is the best course of action. This will pacify the anti-U.S. language amongst China’s political lobbies. On the other hand, Donald Trump plans to increase the presence of U.S. military in and around the South China Sea because he sees China as a threat. China, however, won’t simply quietly welcome this action. Clinton has said that her focus in the Asia Pacific region will be to strengthen relations with Japan and South Korea. Trump, meanwhile, is focusing his energy on proving his theory

that China is a currency manipulator, and he wants to investigate them for unfair trade practices. Such a bold stance and accusation can easily misfire, causing a loss in trust toward the United States within its trade markets. During the second presidential debate, a question was asked concerning the candidates’ plans to tackle ISIS and turmoil in Syria. Both the candidates are in favor of coordinating with the Arab countries to fight the Islamic State and establishing a no-fly zone over Syria. Both of them also want to conduct and cooperate toward more military liberation initiatives for cities under ISIS control. However, unlike Clinton, who is in favor of announcing attacks beforehand on humanitarian grounds, Trump doesn’t see any need for prior warning. He sees it only as a signal for ISIS leaders to hide. Such a stance puts civilian lives at risk. He also feels that a strong stand against Russia is necessary at this point of time in the matter of Syria. Clinton, meanwhile, seeks Russian compromise. After opposing the U.S. withdrawal of troops in Iraq, Trump wants to increase U.S. ground forces in Iraq and Syria while Clinton wants to avoid involving U.S. ground forces. She argues that arming the Kurdish and Sunni Arab fighters is a better option. While the potential ramifications of further arming these groups remains to be seen, it does protect the involvement of U.S. lives. The United States holds a strained relationship with Russia. For one, the United States has condemned Russia’s actions in Ukraine. Clinton plans to reduce Europe’s energy dependency on Russia, which will strengthen European nations’ relations with the United States while alienating Russia. Doing this will also pave way for her plans to increase U.S. missile defense in Eastern Europe. Though Trump’s plan is similar, he focuses more on diplomatic pressure over energy independence. Such diplomatic pressure is difficult, however, when European nations still need Russia’s energy. North Korea is still attempting to increase its nuclear arsenal, a scary prospect. Both candidates feel that China can make a difference in this matter and can pressure North Korea to cease its belligerence. However, if Trump plans on alienating China by adding forces to the South China Sea, how can he attempt to request China’s aid on this matter? Other nations look up to the United States when it comes to contributions toward the environment. Clinton has declared that she will abide by the Paris agreement, which limits global carbon emissions. Trump, who opposes the Paris agreement, plans to withdraw from it and remove limits enforced on U.S. power plants. Moving out of the Paris agreement could have terrible repercussions on the climate given that other countries will be spurred to ignore the agreement if the United States chooses to. It is not only the eyes of U.S. citizens but the eyes of the world watching this year’s election. World leaders are waiting with bated breath and planning for every possible scenario. While your first concern should be your personal needs and your community, before you vote, think not of just yourself but of the world at large. The lives of seven billion people depend on it.

VISHAL KESWANI grad student | info. tech & management Vishal hails from Rajkot, India. He is passionate about writing and is a big fan of Dan Brown.

november 2016

09


OPINION

Everyday milestones become difficult hurdles for immigrant students ver since Trump’s announcement to run for president, immigration has dominated the 2016 presidential election. With Hillary Clinton discussing the benefits of immigration to the United States economy and Donald Trump arguing for the immediate removal of illegal immigrants, the stakes for college students like me keep rising rapidly as election day gets closer and closer. Without a vote, we are left practically helpless, forced to comply with the whims of the next president. Our only tools are our words and actions, through which we can encourage and demonstrate our views to our friends and allies. Immigrant children, like me, have built a livelihood within United States borders and are quickly becoming aware of just how easily it could be taken away from us. The traditional life story of an immigrant child should be common knowledge to the general population. It’s not because empathetic exposés of child immigrants come up every now and then on the nine o’clock news, or because we hear amazing stories of children brought into the United States with nothing who end up incredibly successful. No, this story is familiar because the life story of a child immigrant is not that different from the story of every American child. We attend public school, make Valentine’s Day goodie bags, and celebrate our eighth birthdays at arcades. We climb our way up through middle school band and take embarrassing photographs of our pubescent youth just before going to Friday night football games. We go to prom, experience love, heartbreak, and, at the end of senior year, mourn the loss of a decent high school class rank at the hands of an ambitious valedictorian. These tropes are a traditional staple of growing up. What can change, though,

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is dreams. Rarely is there pressure toward immigrant children beyond self-motivation to become great corporate leaders. Rather, the journey of going to school, enrolling in any form of higher education, and working hard enough to earn a regular salary is satisfactory enough for the parents who have sacrificed an entire world as equally familiar to them as my own life is to me. In an interview with Ezra Klein on Vox.com, Hillary states (in reference to the 11 million undocumented immigrants living within the United States), “I have met many of them – in fact, we all have, whether we acknowledge it or not…these are people who are already contributing to the economy, whose children are in schools, who are really absolutely committed to the American dream.” It’s uncommon for an immigrant parent to desire extraordinary circumstances, to expect anything above living a stable lifestyle. Though we learn from an early age that our transgressions unto a new country come at a price, there must be a setback for the benefits of escaping a third or second world country more easily than others. At the age of fifteen, immigrant children begin to wonder why it is that we can’t enroll in driver’s education. The answer being the same cause for worry when we discover that FAFSA declines aid to immigrant children lacking a Social Security card. The same interview with Hillary saw her state, “We already know that undocumented workers are putting about $12 billion into the Social Security trust fund with no anticipation at this point that they’ll ever get anything out. They’re paying payroll taxes; they’re paying other forms of taxes — state and local as well as federal.” The FAFSA program is meant to benefit rightful citizens of the United States, and rightfully so. We pay taxes to stay in good standing in a country we do not legally belong to; it is, in all honesty, a fair trade. However, at this stage, the journey so familiar to us all begins to fork off into unfamiliar territory. At this stage most parents begin to google phrases such as “how to pay for college” or “how to apply for a loan”. Imagine the disillusionment of a parent forced to search “how to pay for college, no FAFSA” or “financial aid for college, no social.” With limited resources, and thousands of equally qualified immigrant children, it’s a wonder how many of us have found the means of paying for higher education. Ezra Klein states that “scholars have estimated that the number of families living in extreme poverty, under $2 in cash income, has skyrocketed in the last 20 years.” The term “need-based” became a form of competition between families who ate stale bread and those who ate spam for all meals of the day. Qualifications like GPA, high school class rank, ACT, and SAT scores became so much more important than our parents had imagined. Scholarships and grants to fund students who were in every other way ordinary eventually boiled down to a matter of who can win the sympathy game. So here we are, students, sons and daughters of immigrants, living our lives just the same as our peers, or at least trying to. With the oncoming stakes of the presidential election, there is a new concern added to our lifestyle of balancing academics, friends, and family — the possibility of saying goodbye to the life we have built. An NBC News article written by Benjy Sarlin and Alex Seitz-Wald in September 2016 stated that Trump would,

“immediately remove any undocumented immigrant arrested for a crime.” While I do agree that immigrants disturbing the peace should face the consequences for their crimes, Trump’s definition of crime is considerably different from what I expected. The crime of illegally entering the United States will be sufficient to deport someone, and so will the crime of staying within the United States past a visa expiration date even though entrance was entirely legal. “Though it’s true that some in the U.S. illegally have criminal records, the majority of those have violated only immigration laws or committed other nonviolent offenses,” states the Los Angeles Times in an article written by Brian Bennet in August 2016. Children who entered without choice and achieved the American Dream, an American livelihood and a comfortable lifestyle derived from honest work, risk the possibility of being uprooted and deported entirely without amnesty. Of course, there are some comforts that could be found if I returned to my parents’ home. It would be a chance to start over in the native country to which I belong, to familiarize myself with the forgotten culture I am associated with. It would be a chance to reconnect with family I had forgotten existed, to share my own stories of the native country similar to my mother’s. It would be the freedom of not worrying about documentation or discrimination. It would be the ability to be treated as an equal amongst my peers. But the distinctive element here is choice — rather than embracing my freedom, this radical change would be forced upon me. Staying in the United States is a tradeoff for a better education, a more fulfilling career, and an overall better quality life, despite the legal setbacks. Very simply: people immigrate to the United States for a reason. The presidential election is right around the corner, and with each passing moment there is more information released on immigration issues. I implore you all to delve deep into this issue before voting, as it is a policy that will affect millions of families, as well the United States’ socioeconomic status. But beyond that, look around to your friends, your family, and the people surrounding all of us who will likely be affected by the new policy, whichever it turns out to be. We have become part of a culture that celebrates diversity in all forms, whether it be ethnicity, sexual orientation, race, or gender identity. It would be unfortunate to see the United States take steps to purge its diversity, a distinct characteristic of its splendor.

VALERIA ACOSTA sophomore | emerging media & comm. Valeria likes cats and pretending that talking about them doesn’t annoy people.

november 2016

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FOOD

Food for Thought:

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Hoki Poki

et me start by saying that I’m a sucker for rice bowls. As a college student with a limited budget and a tendency to live off of leftovers, I’ve developed a bad habit of just dumping whatever is in my fridge over rice and calling it a day. Day-old Torchy’s tacos? Throw it over some rice. Mom dropped off some pot roast? Add some rice. Only have two bucks and a bottle of steak sauce to your name? Steak sauce-flavored rice bowl. It’s easy, it’s filling, it’s cheap, and it’s become my way of pretending I’m capable of cooking for myself. Let me also say that I’m done with tacos. They’re good, obviously, but you couldn’t pay me to step foot in another Fuzzy’s. I mean, you could, but I’d have some very strong opinions about why tacos have become the new burger and fries of UTD. I need more than tacos and Masala Wok in my life. I have dreams. Food sources on campus are limited, and students can pretty much exhaust all of their options within a few weeks. Off-campus, there are more choices, but a severe lack of unique or novelty restaurants. Richardson has never been the paragon college town, and I myself have been eagerly awaiting the rise of that quirky, scholastic restaurant scene that our sister schools brag about. The recent boom in enrollment has led to a few new spots, but nothing Instagram worthy — which, let’s be honest, is half the fun of trying new food. That’s why I’m so stoked about Hoki Poki. It originally caught my attention with the promise of sushi

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burritos. Or, as I initially imagined, a giant sushi roll that I could shove down my face hole. Upon further research, however, I discovered that their headlining dish was a sushi bowl. A blessing in disguise, I ended up sick as a dog one weekend, and used my miserable state as an excuse to take a well-needed break from rice and steak sauce. I figured I could at least have rice with actual food. A friend and I first visited for lunch during the grand opening, and I can say with only mild self-loathing that I returned three times in the next two days. After writing a gushing review on Facebook and being one of about 10 followers on Instagram, I decided that I had to share my new favorite spot with the world. Not only because it’s delicious, but because I for one welcome the end of taco tyranny and encourage the rise of new insta-worthy options. Also, I really want to feed my addiction, and maybe writing this will convince more people to invite me when they go. If I go in a group, the owner, David, might not think I’m a raving lunatic. Hoki Poki offers a variety of sushi and Hawaiian poke themed dishes, the primary one being their colorful Poki Bowl. Customers can choose a base of warm rice or greens, pick 2-4 scoops of their preferred protein, sides, any number of toppings or mix-ins, sauces, and their preferred level of spice. While I usually stick to tuna and salmon, they also offer yellowtail, shrimp, chicken or cooked Korean short ribs for those who are squeamish about raw fish. Poki Burritos are crafted with a similar equation and are a great alternative for people in a hurry. Recently they’ve begun to offer


roasted seaweed and various bowl sizes to further enhance the Poki Bowl experience. The ingredients are all fresh daily, presented beautifully, and taste awesome regardless of what combination you choose. In addition to the bowls, they make fresh Boba smoothies in house and seem to be adding new options every time I stop in. Stamp cards can get you a free bowl after a few visits, and the prices for main dishes are under 10 bucks. Plus, there’s a 10% discount students, military, campus staff and seniors. And for those who are looking to make some money as well as save it, they are hiring as of last time I was there. It’s easy for me to sit here and gush about how much I love Hoki Poki for the food alone. However, there’s much more to it. Richardson has definitely covered its bases in terms of run-of-themill hot spots in the past few years, but this is the first one-of-akind spot I’ve seen around campus. It’s not a franchise, it’s growing, and it offers a unique and modern vibe that a more popular venue can’t. The open, clean aesthetic caters towards students and offers a great atmosphere for between-class breaks. They have guest WiFi, table space for small groups, and are located a convenient five minutes off campus. For those with late night classes, they’re open until 9 PM, so you can get your deconstructed sushi fix after dark. Hoki Poki and its Poki Bowls are an exciting precursor of what’s to come for future original off-campus dining options. As our student population grows, so does the potential for a unique off-campus culture, and small budding businesses like this little gem are a great place to start. Check them out at 581 W Campbell Rd Ste 105 Richardson, TX 75080

BRYAR BENNETT senior | EMAC When she’s not designing this specific magazine, she’s on the hunt for delicious noms or shopping for dog clothes

november 2016

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MUSIC

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DJ SHOWCASE in collaboration with RadioUTD

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What is the main focus of your show Arcade Stereo?

The main focus of Arcade Stereo is to inform people about upcoming game releases, gaming events, and development news

arcade stereo

The main focus of Arcade Stereo is to inform people about upcoming game releases, gaming events, and development news so that our listeners can stay up to date on all the gaming information.

Why do you feel UTD students should be informed about video game news and developments?

UTD has a huge video game culture on campus. This is partially due to the ATEC program’s game development major, as well as the general “geek culture” commonly associated with UTD as a school. Keeping the student body up to date on video game news and development keeps students aware of the changing climate of game development and the different trends of the game industry as a whole.

What games were foundational in developing your love of video games?

Kolton: Personally, my favorite game growing up was Conker’s Bad Fur Day for the N64. I really shouldn’t have been playing it at the age I did, but the goofy, adult humor made me develop a love for gaming from a young age. The game really showed me that you didn’t have to make a game funny for everyone, and that games could fall into a niche category. Caleb: I first started playing games on my brother’s Genesis, playing the Batman Forever video game with my dad. That grew to eventually getting a PS2 and playing games like Star Wars Battlefront with my best friend. When my friend wasn’t around I didn’t enjoy those games as much and looked for new titles. Jax and Daxter holds a special place in my heart because it was the first game in which I became invested in the story. That drove me to seek out other games with great stories and lead to me finding a love for the Final Fantasy series and other JRPG style games.

What are your current favorite games?

Kolton: My current favorite games are Overwatch, Hearthstone, and Animal Crossing: New Leaf. I’ve been a huge Blizzard fan for a long time and Overwatch and Hearthstone provide me with a platform to play with my friends and also be individually competitive against other players from around North America. Animal Crossing has also played a pretty huge role in my life, providing me with an easy escape whenever I’ve gotten too stressed due to school, work, and other factors throughout normal life. My Animal Crossing town

provides me with a small space to focus my energy and decompress after difficult and stress-filled situations. Caleb: Lately I’ve really been into CS:GO and League of Legends. Being able to pit my skill against others is a feeling like no other. Outside of those games, the recent Fire Emblem games for the 3DS have been some of the most enjoyable games I’ve played in a while. When I’m not playing these games I’m usually finding new mods for Fallout and Skyrim. Being able to add onto the game in terms of story quests and outfits is really great, and the games never run out of things to do.

Is this a show made by gamers, for gamers, or is this show trying to change the average student’s perspective toward gaming?

Kolton: The show is designed for anyone to learn about gaming news. We do our best to explain games, characters, and development terms to people who wouldn’t understand them normally. We want to create a friendly, podcast-like environment where everyone is allowed to call in and discuss something with us in a civil manner, or just sit back and enjoy listening to the news about games and game development. Caleb: I think this show is more a combination between the two. We talk about the newest gaming news and events, and if a topic is controversial we try to provide both sides of the topic so our audience will be able to make their own judgement. We want the show to be fun for listeners and give them something they can listen to and think “Hey, that’s a really good point,” and “Someone else thinks this too.”

Is there anything else you’d like new or current listeners to know about your show? Kolton: Please don’t be afraid to call in or message us questions. We list the number during every show, and I say my Twitter handle so people can message me off-the-air with questions or topics they’d like to hear discussed on the show. For those of you who don’t know it, it’s @ArcadeStereoKC (ArcadeSCAREeoKC for October/Halloween). Caleb: Don’t be afraid to talk to us about the show if you see us around. We both handle events for on campus activities and would be more than happy to talk gaming news with people. Besides that, call in or tweet at us during the show.

november 2016

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SATIRE

nee-high boots and North Face jackets have emerged in 60º weather, your Facebook feed has been reduced to quotes from Love, Actually, the radio exclusively plays the song Sweater Weather, and your friends who work in retail have a certain air of dread about them. All this can only mean one thing. Thanksgiving break is just around the corner! Once again, you’ll find yourself at the dinner table, grimacing through your favorite home-cooked dishes while your extended family shares anecdotal opinions that will inevitably give you heartburn. This year, however, is a special year because Thanksgiving falls merely weeks after the presidential election. You get the added bonus of passing the green bean casserole to your racist uncle as he tells you what he really thinks of the election results. Navigating through a conversation like that while your mom’s elbow is sinking deeper and deeper into your arm might be trickier than you’re anticipating. Consider this your comprehensive guide on how to talk to your relatives about the election, without talking about the election. Every person going through a midlife crisis is equipped with the question, “why don’t young people get involved?” Be sure to have a few good reasons up your sleeve. Some acceptable ones include: we were all blindsided by Frank Ocean’s new album, still grieving over the end of Brangelina, too busy standing in line to buy a Kanye shirt at a Pablo pop-up shop, or still processing after watching Suicide Squad. It’s very distracting being a twenty-something these days. Assure your relatives that using social media as a platform for political discourse

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and sharing memes is, like, impossible. Despite being a college-educated individual well-exposed to politics and social issues, you have to keep in mind that every opinion you have is wrong. Forget your poli-sci classes and in-depth understanding of social infrastructure. Despite having only taken an intro to macroeconomics course in 1986, your uncle is the most credible expert on domestic spending at the table. Repeat after me: my thousands of dollars’ worth of education is meaningless in this alternate limbo. Go ahead and say it out loud in the middle of the aforementioned conversation about domestic spending. Your family will find your candor refreshing. Many of you might find that it really aggravates some of your adult family members that you have educated opinions that make theirs sound invalid. Because of this, the conversation might steer toward a tense, uncomfortable fight. Nothing ruins a pumpkin pie like knowing your parents are going to murder you for telling your aunt’s fiancé that he’s delusional. To avoid this kind of spectacle, you need to learn how to dodge hostile questions directed at you; but you have to be subtle. If you ignore the question, you might come off as rude. One way to get out of this is to respond to every ill-disguised hostile question with Hamilton lyrics. For example, if you’re asked “what do you even know about Reaganomics,” reply with: “Well… I’m just like my country… I’m young, scrappy, and hungry.” Punctuate this line by shoving a large helping of stuffing in your mouth. Congratulations, that’s good theater!


A particularly grating kind of relative is the one who believes in absurd conspiracies with an almost pathological sense of conviction. The only way to handle this kind of thing is to be fully prepared. By this, I mean you have to out-conspiracy theory your conspiracy theory aunt. Before the day in question, get on top of your theories by poring through conspiracy threads in the dark underbelly of Reddit. Brush up on your episodes of X-Files. “What was that, Aunt Carol? You say that the voting booths are rigged? Why would they need to be rigged when the voters aren’t even human beings? Have you ever heard of the Martian Initiative?” If you need to one-up a particularly kooky theory about the election, pick any CNN buzzword from the last few months (e.g. Clinton, Trump, servergate, birtherism, etc.) and make a connection to the Illuminati. A beloved holiday tradition among the family is to overreact to some of the endearingly disgusting things that the younger kids spew. Usually it’s just them parroting what they hear their premature-brained seventh-grade friends say. Perhaps, they’ve discovered the ugly part of YouTube where gaming vloggers with a raunchy non-gender-friendly sense of humor flourish. Indubitably, cousin Ben is going to want to offer his two cents on the election. Adhering to the normal pattern of his thought process, it’s going to be wildly sexist and nonsensical in nature. In the interest of making it through the meal without murdering cousin Ben, apply one of the following tactics. You can compliment his colorful input on the debates that he was forced to watch in seventh-grade history class. He did, after all,

write an enlightening D-minus essay highlighting his thoughts on what animal each candidate resembled the most. Comment on the vivacity of the youth of today when you witness him inhale a turkey leg and then joke about which candidate belongs in the kitchen. Sometimes, despite all of these highly effective methods to keep the peace over the plate of peas, tensions can spike and you can find yourself in a confrontational situation. It’s important for you to remember – like painstakingly important for your sanity – that no matter how much you try to talk sense into your problematic family members, literally none of it will go through their heads. You can spend hours debating race relations with your least favorite blood relative; when all is said and done, you’re going to be scrolling through your Facebook feed in a couple days and see some grossly racist post about the BLM movement shared by that same relative, who learned nothing from your thoroughly explained arguments. So, just enjoy the democratic process, eat some turkey, and remind everyone as they’re leaving that if you get rich somehow, none of them are making it onto your will.

MAISHA RAZZAQUE junior | cognitive science In her spare time Maisha listens to podcasts, writes, and concocts absurd conspiracy theories about celebrity breakups.

november 2016

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SATIRE

RAD FIBS election outcome 2016

Wow! What an election! Now that we’ve finally picked the lesser of two evils and settled in for four years of gritting our teeth, let’s take a look at exactly what this outcome means for the country: (read the blue words if Hillary Clinton has won or the red words if Donald Trump has won) 18

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Congratulations America! Somehow you’ve managed to elect this country’s first female / least qualified president. But regardless of how surprisingly open-minded / secretly prejudiced you revealed yourself to be in this election, the next President of the United States is still bad with secrets / a reality TV star , so don’t be too quick to pat yourself on the back. If we’re honest, this election outcome probably isn’t going to matter much; the president won’t get anything done in the face of opposition from most congressional Republicans / most congressional Republicans . In fact, no matter who was on the Democratic / Republican ticket, they would have been viciously opposed by the crazy tree-huggers / gun-lovers . But if you’re going to engage in a meaningless gesture of participation, you should at least save yourself from the indignity of a farcical circus. Where was Joe Biden / Paul Ryan when we needed him most? In the absence of an opportunity to (overcome partisan gridlock / understand the Constitution) , perhaps the only significant impact of this election outcome will be in national image. Under our new president’s leadership we can expect to invade / be invaded by new countries, send more (jobs / nukes) to our enemies, and lose the respect of the victims of our nation-building / all of our allies) . The foreign policy of this next administration will (misguidedly enforce / drastically erode) America’s global leadership. If the president-elect’s experience (enabling the murder of an American ambassador / outsourcing jobs is any indication, the next four years could be very embarrassing. On domestic policy, things could be even worse. Even if you spent the entire election ignoring private servers and pay-to-play / sexual assault and open racism , and supported the president purely on policy, you’ve hardly done a great job for our country. If we were in the business of electing people on the merit of their policy, we would have picked Martin O’Malley / John Kasich . Instead, your president-elect has no respect for (fiscal responsibility / civil liberties), thinks a ($15 an hour minimum wage / border wall) is practical policy, and believes (gun manufacturers are responsible for gun deaths / China invented global warming). You had better cross your fingers and hope that by the end of this presidency we aren’t living under (a bankrupt socialist welfare state / an authoritarian dictatorship). In short, I hope you’re happy that your president thinks you’re (deplorable / white and racist). You have nobody to blame for this but the voting public. Through the mass apathy of decent and sensible people, the president managed to win the primaries against far more (likable / reasonable) opponents. So every time in the next four years that you’re angered by your government’s (corruption / incompetence), go ahead and yell at your neighbors; it’s probably their fault. november 2016

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utd heroes:

L

amentations were shouted into the heavens at the thought of never having his mythical presence grace the concrete pathways of UTD again. Tears were shed at the thought that he would spend the rest of his days within the cold confines of the prison cell the world placed him in — a world that would not and could not understand his vision. But hark, Hope, in its radiant splendor, has emerged from the mist of the Fog Log to reveal a ray of, well, y’know, hope. Ross Ulbricht, thought to be removed from public eye forever, has taken his case to appeal and seeks to overturn his life imprisonment charge. For those unaware, Ross Ulbricht, a UTD Class of 2006 AES Physics graduate and campus legend, founded what became known as Silk Road, an online darknet market for selling illegal drugs. He operated this market under the pseudonym of Dread Pirate Roberts. The entirety of AMP’s investigatory team has been devoted to determining whether or not Ulbricht was actually a pirate, but unless someone’s performed a covert hit job on the requisite sassy but ultimately redeemable parrot, no evidence has been found...yet. AMP will continue this research and will update this article in realtime as more information becomes available. Aargh. With this recent development, AMP found itself duty bound to determine what makes Ulbricht such a visionary for UTD students to admire. Our findings below illustrate why all of you should add “The Alma Mater of Ross Ulbricht” to the byline of the education section of your resumes. First of all, Ulbricht’s LinkedIn account is phenomenal. I’m personally surprised the Career Center has not printed out copies and distributed one to every student interested in applying for a job, any job whatsoever. His experience as CEO of Good Wagon Books and as a graduate research assistant give short but specific details on what skills he gained from his positions, and his bio has the most effective use of “I love learning” of anyone I’ve seen — I actually believe that he does! The bio even devolves into a short manifesto so that prospective employers can easily discriminate

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against him for his politics and beliefs. Speaking of work experience — he was CEO of a used bookseller! His goal to “abolish the use of coercion and aggression amongst mankind” obviously concerned the oppressive textbook market. His “economic simulation to give people a first-hand experience of what it would be like to live in a world without the systemic use of force” must pertain directly to professors forcing students to buy their newest editions along with online homework software access codes. (Seriously, the REAL criminal in this story is paying just to submit homework, am I right? [I’m not right. Ulbricht ruled over a network of drug smugglers. But I sure fooled you guys!]) Ulbricht’s manifesto is a call to the proletariat to rebel not against the government and the institutions that control it but really against the virtual monopoly of the textbook market. Under Dread Pirate Roberts’s direction, we can crawl out of the Pit of Despair that is the textbook industry’s hold on our lives. [AMP Investigation Journal Log 1: Alerted by the potential sound of cannon shots in the distance, we walked miles toward the horizon. The journey was long, mostly because we had to stop and check each stick to see if it was a peg leg. As we reached the end of the convenient trail that pointed in the direction of the sound, though, we found only a singular laptop. Despite being in the middle of nowhere, it was connected to the PlotConvenience WiFi network. Inconceivable! Opening the laptop brought us to a new version of the fabled Silk Road. To test the validity of this site, we ordered lots of drugs. It was really easy. They arrived in two business days. These, of course, will be returned to the police, in accordance with our ethical responsibilities as journalists.] Ulbricht is remembered in his time here not only as a successful graduate and drug network founder but as a quite eligible bachelor. AMP reached out to an anonymous lovestruck female student for comment and was immediately replied to with “What’s not to love about a mastermind who happens to love the outdoors?”


image via rolling stone

Desiring Ross purely out of sensual passion and reasons of the flesh, of course, would do his legacy no justice, and our source was quick to point out that “he was aight (sic) but his intellect made him hot.” Waxing poetic about his keen insight into “the potentials and pitfalls of FinTech and the blockchain revolution” that “showed [the] international community a speck of opportunity it could create”, our source concluded that “Ross is a boss.” Any student wishing to woo the female populous of UTD should seek to emulate Ross’s charm. (Editor’s Note: This is an actual interview that took place with a real UTD student.) (Editor’s Note: I am the editor.)

sEa BECKOniNG. avaSt, let uS HArnEss tHE wInd AnD THe WavEs aND SAil to foRTUnEs UNkNOWN.]

[AMP Investigation Journal Log 2: We did the drugs. It was for the story. The nearby songbirds began to speak in tongues, and only by putting a piece of cloth over one eye were we able to discern their truth. The ground below melted into the gentle waves of the ocean. We were on a ship. We were the ship. A pirate’s hat was placed on each of our heads, or maybe we were placed under the hats. Nevertheless, we set sail to find the answers we so longed for, and maybe to find ourselves along the way.]

When searching for an alumnus candidate to enshrine in this month’s pages, I could think of no one more qualified than Ulbricht. His notoriety is matched only by charm, his past virtual fortune matched only by his keen perception, and his eye for innovation matched only by his eye for revolution. Any student seeking to maximize their talents and do the impossible should dive into Ulbricht’s past in order to secure a better future for us all. [AMP’s investigation team was found deep in the wilderness, attempting to swim on land. One was found murmuring “You killed my parrot…Prepare to die…” Three were dead, seemingly murdered by the rest of the team. The rest were arrested on charges of drug trafficking, possession, use, and homicide. Their trial is pending.]

Some would argue that maybe we don’t want someone that paid $730,000 for murders-for-hire that did not end up occurring to be a role model for UTD students. However, the amount of economic and computer science knowledge necessary for this kind of feat is worth its weight in bitcoin. As we are capable of separating Scott Baio’s portrayal of Bob Loblaw on Arrested Development from his support of Donald Trump, so too can we separate Ulbricht’s criminal past from his academic prowess. [AMP Investigation Journal Log 3: tHe NEw siTE oWNerS WeRE aRrESTeD. One oF US wAS a NARK. he WaS DisPOseD of. WE Are aLl tHaT Is LEFT. we aRE In cHArGe NOw. An EMPiRE iN ouR HANds. ThE wORLd AT ouR FEeT. tHe

The greatest insight into this man, however, is how adorable his prison cell is. He grows little trees in there! He raises mice! Not only is this totally cute, this is direct evidence of a keen eye for aesthetics and arrangement that any artistically minded student can draw inspiration from. While it could be that he’s raising the mice only to conduct nefarious scientific schemes on them in the future, such as injecting them with artificial intelligence, he would only be aligning with what we already do to mice here at UTD.

[AMP is hiring investigators! Apply now at amodestproposal@ gmail.com. ]

ZACH BOULLT sophomore | political science Zachary enjoys pretending that his stupid jokes are changing campus for the better. Pseudonyms are for chumps.

november 2016

21


SATIRE

A

REDEEM OUR

MEMES

mericans, millennials, and broke college students – I address you today over a problem that has been going on for too long, to call you to action against the ever-rising severity of this issue that almost constantly plagues all of us, especially in this day and age. It is our duty and burden as the next generation to deal with and end this problem, for no one else has the courage or the guts to do so without great failure. “What is this pandemic?” you may ask, unaware of the great horror of which I’m about to speak. Why, it’s only the worst annoyance imaginable, the greatest waste of time, worse than watching paint dry or trying to keep up with college loans: helping the elderly with the internet and the inexplicably weird things we call memes. Wait, wait, don’t skip ahead, this is important! It’s a massive pain to deal with, no one wants to do it, and who would? As much as we love the elderly, especially the ones that aren’t in government, we want to be able to keep loving them without getting a nervous tick in our eyes while having to explain to them what a troll is and why wasting their time with one is never a good idea. But exactly therein lies the problem, especially this year, as our government refills many seats in Congress and replaces our leaders in the White House. We the people enjoy and employ grand politicians who are masters at protecting the rights of those who look exactly like them, and who work tirelessly day and night to secure the vital funding necessary to enjoy another few years in office. The campaigns they mount, wisely and responsibly spending large sums of money to gain votes, are massive and enormous undertakings that confuse us so much that we can’t focus on whatever small mistakes they have made. So, it hurts them, as politicians, and us, as people with eyes, when this July one of them decided to force a very bad Pokémon Go joke in an attempt to try to reach younger generations in Virginia. It was such a bad joke that multiple news sources called it excruciating, cringe-worthy, and painful, and in the end it strongly hurt her campaign. Unfortunately, there have been far too many examples of this, to the point that when a hoax political ad for people to “Netflix and Chill” with someone who looked like the Zodiac Killer was produced, no one even tried to question it. At this point we’re so used to this awkward, failed pandering, that we’ll just cringe and move on! And it doesn’t stop there! Recently, politicians using internet memes have gotten so bad that Pepe the Frog (yes, the

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green meme that refuses to die) is now considered to be a symbol of hate by the Anti-Defamation League. Looking for someone to blame? Just thank everyone’s least favorite real-life troll for using it in his own campaign. No, I’m not joking. He actually did tweet a picture of himself as Pepe. This has to stop. Nothing good can come from mixing these two poisons of politics and bad memes together. But fear not, for the greatest internet minds have come together to create the perfect antidote to this visual poison plaguing us. It is time for you to grab your elders of choice (preferably one you are related to, or not, you do you), grab a computer or phone with access to any social media, and ruin memes for them. Drive them off the internet! Show them the Pepe memes, the Doge, the Nyan-cat, and the tens of thousands of variations of them that will convince them to never open the internet ever again. Make them an account on any social media and bombard them with memes to the point that they become so sick of them that they never want to use, see, or hear of the internet again. In their misguided efforts to participate in modern society, older generations pose a grave threat to our sanity. How can we, the digital natives, hope to efficiently use social media to waste time when we are perpetually beset by the awful and embarrassing travesty of old people on the internet? By ruining memes for our elders, we can save them for our youth. If we succeed in doing this, the elderly will quickly run out of patience for candidates who use memes, meaning that politicians will be forced to look for new ways to reach the youth vote while campaigning, including taking us seriously! New politicians who know better than to meme will take elections seriously again, and no longer will any of us have to cringe at their facade of trendiness. This shall be no easy task, as most politicians have already learned how to tune out everything but their own voice and the voices of those who sound like them, but we must at the very least try. So get out there and start meme-ing!

MARIA NEBLETT sophomore | atec A pun lover, Maria loves hiking, working out, and her favorite food, salted sunflower seeds.


november 2016

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SATIRE

202 Disclaimer: Nick Chiavel, AMP, UTD Student Media, and any other parties that you might hope to sue are not responsible for any injury, emotional distress, rioting, global nuclear warfare, lethal time paradoxes, or other misfortunes that result from publication or distribution of this piece. Read at your own risk. Or in the presence of a lifeguard if you want to be careful. The following document details events of the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election. This political forecast comes to AMP by the way of a friendly comet, who caught ripped and singed newspaper clippings flying out of an anomaly orbiting Jupiter and brought them to the AMP staff in a very tense, eerily lit,

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24 and dramatically scored Deep Throat-style parking garage rendezvous. Clearly from a future universe in which Donald Trump serves two terms as President of the United States, the clippings appear to describe the members of the Republican primary field fighting to succeed President Trump. This information was painstakingly compiled by dozens of aspiring AMP writers desperate enough for a chance to be published that they do the magazine’s grunt work for free. While we necessarily can’t guarantee the accuracy of the following information, AMP hopes that our readers’ mental health will benefit from seven years of advance warning in the case that this possible future is our destiny.

november 2016

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The two terms of Donald Trump’s presidency have not been kind to this country. In fact, they’ve been downright offensive. Behind closed doors (and in some cases, in press conferences), many Republican lawmakers would agree with that assessment of their standard-bearer’s administration. But for better or for ill, this old brand of Republican, folks like Low-Energy Jeb, Lyin’ Ted, and Little Marco, is becoming ever rarer in Trump’s party. Emboldened by the Donald’s astonishing 2016 success, scores of previously unelectable individuals have toppled Republican elites in primary challenges across the country. These generally bizarre and apolitical candidates have had stunning success at winning office through association with Trump, despite the theoretical difficulty of defending a presidential record of authoritarianism, discrimination, economic turmoil, world war, and a failed A.I. coup. (Now that’s a story! From what we could piece together, it appears that America’s increasingly selfaware artificial intelligences somehow began to observe domestic politics and, upon perceiving the behavior of the Trump White House to be entirely irrational, decided to correct the situation by force. Crisis was averted when, in what was either an act of selfless bravery or the duty of servile bondage, Chris Christie, recently returned from a clandestine mission to hamstring Chinese productivity by closing important bridges during rush hour, threw himself in front of the dive-bombing Amazon delivery drone that was attempting to assassinate the president.) Now, as we approach the 2024 presidential election, swarms of Trump wannabes have descended upon the Republican primary race in an attempt to be the next horrendously unqualified narcissist to convince the American electorate that right is left, the sky is pink, and Barack Obama is a timetraveling Nazi plotting to use solar panels and confiscated guns to destroy the Moon. Estimates of the number of

candidates on the ballot for the New Hampshire primary vary wildly, as it is nearly impossible to keep track of everyone who declares in a given day, but they average to about 80. Some of the highestpolling candidates have been included on the next page:

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Morgan Freeman

Gordon Ramsey

(Actor, token black celebrity, and sexiest voice in Hollywood) Putting his long acting career to good use, Freeman has parted the waters of this stacked primary field by portraying himself as God. Using the powers of his voice and sideshow sleight of hand, he has managed to develop an intensely loyal following within the GOP. He is currently in a dispute with party officials over his desire to remain backstage at the debates and have his voice pumped in through speakers in the ceiling, complete with thunder and lightning effects.

(Reality TV personality and perpetually livid British chef ) After eight years of Donald Trump’s bellicose press conferences, it takes a quite a lot a vitriol to continue to provoke people to rioting. When asked about his Constitutional ineligibility for the presidency he explained that the question was irrelevant because “I have so little faith in America’s s**tty laws that I wouldn’t use them as f**king kindling.”

A nice, white, suburban, born-again Christian, Republican woman who knows her place in the home, loves using her gun collection to bag dinner, supports a woman’s right to choose which contraceptive is most sinful, would never be seen in a scandalous bikini or burkini, and wouldn’t dare to try to work while pregnant The Republican party embraces diversity (but that doesn’t mean it has to win).

Tom Brady (Star athlete and grad of the Clinton School of Dodging Inquiry) Brady is certainly a front-runner in this race. With a proven track-record of weathering scandals, Brady clearly knows how to stack the deck in his favor, lower the tension in high-pressure situations, and win at all costs. Calling himself the only “true Patriot” on the ballot and promising to lower inflation, Brady may be the candidate the Republican party needs to pump up young voters and put wind in the sails of the Republican base.

A low-quality leftover hologram of Tupac wearing a Ronald Reagan mask and shouting “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

Donald Trump, Jr. (Son of President Donald Trump and Secretary of Defense) Donald Trump has always been about his brand. By plastering “Trump” on everything from golf courses to steaks to fraudulent universities, Donald has built a legacy of the highest quality. However, he isn’t the only person to benefit from the prestige of his last name. His children are already poised to take over his business empire, and in the spirit of a good ‘ole democratic dynasty, why shouldn’t they take over the White House too?

Ivanka Trump/Eric Trump (Daughter of President Trump and Secretary of the Treasury/Son of President Trump and Secretary of State) See above.

30 Anonymous KKK Members Nobody really knows who they are or what platform they stand for, other than white supremacy, but they’ve been on stage, in their robes, for every debate this primary season. It’s really heartwarming to see the GOP become a home for marginalized groups who have been the victims of social ostracism.

Walter Wahlberg (Assistant Manager of Home Depot Branch #386, Odessa, TX) Many of Trump’s core 2016 voters were understandably disappointed when he failed to build the border wall. Wahlberg promises to use his employee discount and experience in home improvement and free installation to finally build the wall.

Phil Robertson (Reality TV personality and redneck Saruman) Robertson, of Duck Dynasty fame, is one of the frontrunners in this primary. Like Trump, Robertson has spent many years being asked about his political views simply because millions of Americans watch him on TV in order to kill off excess brain cells. Robertson has the added advantage of being very outspoken about his faith, which is sure to inspire the GOP base if the combination of multi-million-dollar enterprise, guns, and a Southern accent didn’t have them groveling already.

Marshawn Lynch (Seattle Seahawk and fiscal war hawk) Running what can only be construed as a conservative anti-tax candidacy, Lynch has declined to make any policy statements other than “I’m just here so YOU don’t get fined.”

Daniel Day-Lewis (Oscar winner, scarily dedicated method actor, and vampire slayer) Who better to unite the party of Lincoln, than Lincoln himself ? Having fully immersed himself in the role for 2012’s Lincoln, the celebrated British actor appears to have decided to permanently adopt this American persona, even going so far as to petition to list his name as Abraham Lincoln on the ballot. Running on a platform that is extraordinarily relevant to Donald Trump’s America, Day-Lewis promises to prevent secession and restore fundamental rights to minority citizens.

Justin Bieber (Mediocre popstar, useless celebrity, and world-renowned jerk) Few people can effectively communicate complete and utter distaste for the common man in one photo, but that’s not the only trait that Bieber and Trump share. Between his propensity to offend somebody every time he steps into public, and an ego so big it travels down the highway on the back of a semi with its own police escort, Justin Bieber is perfectly prepared to fill Trump’s shoes. He was born in Canada you say? You expect me to believe that? Show me the birth certificate!

NICK CHIAVEL sophomore | finance After taking a gap year to short the housing market, Nick now preps for global economic collapse in his spare time november 2016

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AMP, November 2016  
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