STRANGERS OVER-STALK EACH OTHER BEFORE DATE ALLY FARRISH INT. RESTAURANT SARAH and MIKE sit at a table. SARAH It’s such a coincidence that you picked this restaurant, it’s my favorite. MIKE Actually, I have to confess. I always Google a person before a first date. I saw you come here all the time on FourSquare. SARAH Oh, actually, I checked you out online too! MIKE It’s just what modern young people do. It’s not creepy. SARAH Or weird. MIKE It would be weird if I HADN’T watched all 12 YouTube videos of your cat. Chester is adorable! SARAH Honestly, half the reason I came is because I saw you were a cat for Halloween three years ago. WAITER approaches. WAITER Did you two decide? MIKE Mind if I order? I think I can guess what you like based on your Yelp reviews. Sarah nods.
MIKE She’ll have the ribeye, medium rare, swap potatoes for salad, dressing on the side, light balsamic. And I’ll take the spaghetti, hold the cheese, because I’m... MIKE AND SARAH Lactose intolerant. SARAH (giggling) We don’t want a repeat of Thanksgiving 2013! Did your grandma ever fix the plumbing? WAITER I could have sworn I heard you introduce yourselves when you came in, clearly I was mistaken. MIKE No, no, we’ve never met before. We just share a certain...connection. Sarah and Mike stare at each other and clasp hands. WAITER Alllllright, then. I’ll grab the bread. SARAH Speaking of your Grandma - how was the funeral? Her obituary was beautiful. MIKE It was tough. But, well, look who I’m talking to. It can’t have been worse than finding out your father has an entire other family in Des Moines. SARAH Wait, what? MIKE You didn’t know? He shows her his phone.
SARAH Why is my dad in this woman’s Facebook photos? MIKE I’m so sorry. SARAH Oh my god. Her kids have my nose. Sarah starts to cry. MIKE No, don’t cry! Here, this will make you feel better! Your bosses are planning to give you a raise! SARAH (sniffing) You hacked into my work email server? Mike nods. She grabs his hand. SARAH I did the same thing with your boss’s phone. He thinks you have so much potential. MIKE I’ve never felt so seen, so known by anyone before. SARAH Me too. MIKE Sarah, this might be crazy, but, WAITER And here’s your bread. SARAH AND MIKE I think we should get married. WAITER Oh...my god. Sarah and Mike embrace. WAITER I’ll, uh, get some champagne then.
MIKE So, which engagement ring on your Pinterest board is your favorite? SARAH Well, given your credit score, none of them are realistic. But my dad could loan you the money. MIKE Please don’t rub your father’s success in my face. Your posts of his Porsche are emasculating enough. SARAH I’m just saying, if you applied yourself, you could realize the potential your boss sees. MIKE I’m never going to if you’re always questioning my judgement. SARAH Your ex-girlfriend was right, you DO love to play the victim. MIKE You know what? I’m leaving. I’m sure your father can cover the bill. And another family’s while he’s at it. SARAH You’re a monster! Mike storms out. Sarah sobs. The waiter appears with champagne. WAITER Oh, god. Ma’am? Are you okay? SARAH GO AWAY. Waiter chugs a glass of the champagne and walks away. WAITER Fucking millennials. Blackout