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PITY PARTY FOR MOM Ally Farrish INT. KITCHEN Two teenage siblings JOHN and SAMANTHA walk into the kitchen. Their MOM sits at the table, which is set for dinner. MOM Do you two know what time it is? JOHN It’s 6, Mom. You said to be home for dinner at 6. SAMANTHA and JOHN sit down to eat. MOM angrily throws her hands in the air. MOM There go my PERFECT children, honoring commitments again. SAMANTHA Oh no. Mom, you had lunch with your girlfriends today, didn’t you? MOM Yes, and it went just like it always does. A pity party for everyone but me. Barbara talked about her son who got caught shoplifting. Cindy’s daughter was just expelled for having an affair with a teacher. Tammy’s daughter keeps sacrificing goats to Satan in their backyard. And then there’s you two, who can’t even forget to recycle once in a fucking while. JOHN That’s a bummer about Tammy’s daughter, she used to be so nice. MOM Nice at generating attention for her mother. SAMANTHA Well, Mom, at least you can feel good about the spaghetti you made. It’s really tasty.

2. MOM (Under breath) Kiss ass. SAMANTHA What? MOM Nothing. John, honey, could you grab the parmesan from the fridge? JOHN gets up and opens the fridge. It’s chocked full of beer. MOM (CONT’D) Oh, would you look at that? I got so much beer when I was shopping that I probably won’t notice if you kids take some and, I don’t know, get drunk after dinner, or... JOHN I’m just gonna play Xbox before bed. SAMANTHA I have a test to study for. MOM (Under breath) Pussies. MOM (CONT’D) Well, speaking of underage drinking, prom’s right around the corner! Did you guys figure out who you’re taking? What you’re wearing? If you’re going to steal my Mercedes and crash it on the way? JOHN I’m going with a girl named Tina. MOM Oh, tell me more about Tina. Does she go to your school? Does she go to school? Drop out? JOHN She goes to my school. It’s not a big deal, we’re just going as friends. We’re not even staying that long.

3. MOM Well, that leaves plenty of time for some casual sex afterward, doesn’t it? So, as your mother I should tell you to use a condom, even though it feels way, way better without one. Did you know that, son? WAY better. JOHN After prom we’re going to movie night at Tina’s church. MOM (whispering) Goddamnit. MOM (CONT’D) Well, what about you, sweetheart? Did you order that prom dress we saw online? With the plunging neckline? SAMANTHA Actually, I bought this one after school today. SAMANTHA pulls a dress out of her backpack, it’s modest and normal looking. MOM (exasperated) It’s like, you WANT your nipples to stay in your dress. SAMANTHA Wait, Mom, did mail come for me today? MOM No. SAMANTHA walks to the trash can. SAMANTHA What’s this? Oh my god, there’s a letter from Yale in here. SAMANTHA rips open the letter. SAMANTHA (CONT’D) I GOT IN! I GOT INTO YALE! JOHN runs to hug her.


JOHN You did it! You always said you’d have your own law firm one day, and now you’re on your way! SAMANTHA I am! And then when you pass the bar, I’ll give you a job at my firm, just like we talked about! JOHN Mom, aren’t you proud of Samantha? JOHN and SAMANTHA look around for their MOM. SAMANTHA Mom? MOM is crouching in the corner, quietly talking on her cell. MOM Yes, Barbara, my children are in actual love with each other. I’m watching them right now, they’re hugging and making all these plans for their future together. JOHN and SAMANTHA look at each other, disgusted. MOM (CONT’D) And now they’re looking at each other longingly. JOHN and SAMANTHA run out of the room in opposite directions. MOM (CONT’D) What’s that? Oh, yes. (begins to fake sob) It IS hard. It’s SO hard. Blackout.