Trump’s Bunker by Alice Jacobson Narrator: To many of us on the left of the political divide, waiting for Trump’s Impeachment is as frustrating as Captain Ahab’s search for Moby Dick. Or the quest for the Holy Grail. Or the arrival of Godot. But with the FBI’s raid of Trump fixer Michael Cohen’s New York City home and office, followed by Trump’s inevitable unhinged tweets about witch hunts and the death of attorney en dash shoulda been a hyphen client privilege, we resistance folk felt a frisson of – something. Could it be hope? It’s been so long. We don’t remember how it felt. Come with us, won’t you, to the White House presser, April 10, 2018. Sarah Huckabee Sanders pokes her finger towards American Urban Radio Networks correspondent April Ryan. You’ll remember that early in the Reign of Error, Ryan asked Trump whether he planned to meet with the Black Congressional Caucus. He asked her if she could set it up for him, as though the journalist were suddenly Trump’s personal scheduler. April Ryan: Sarah, has the president considered resigning? Sarah Huckabee Sanders: No, and I think the question is absolutely ridiculous. Narrator: Later that day, Sarah walks towards the White House cafeteria. It’s almost noon and she’s dying of hunger. SFX: (Footsteps as she walks down the hall.) Sarah Huckabee Sanders (muttering to herself): I hope they’re having Mexican food today. I could eat an enchilada and a bean burrito and a couple of tamales and maybe a pork taco bowl. Let’s be honest, I could eat a horse. And maybe they’ll even have flan for dessert. Mm, flan! So soft and sweet and yummy…. Trump: Sarah! Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, hi, Mr. President! I didn’t see you! Trump: Well, I saw you in the presser on Fox! Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Uh huh, uh huh. Trump: So you know what I’m thinking all of a sudden? You think you know I haven’t considered resigning? 1
Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, you never actually revealed that to me -Trump: So, what are you, in my head now? Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Frankly, no, Mr. President, that ahh, would be a very undesirable place to be these days! Heheh. Trump: Well, I think of resigning every day! Like anyone would in my shoes! I might be stupid, but I’m not retarded! Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Sir, that’s a very politically incorrect term! Nowadays people say – Trump: Do you think I give a flying fuck what people nowadays say? I don’t answer to those fucking people! I answer to people who don’t give a flying fuck what those people say! Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, right. Well, sorry, gotta go, sir. My tacos are calling me! Hehehheh! SFX: (Footsteps as she hurries away from him.) Trump: Oh, so tacos are talking to Sarah. How soon the tide turns. I remember when she’d stand there while I said any old shit and she’d respectfully wait for me to dismiss her. Now she runs away from me like everybody else around here. Well, I know where there are pretty girls who still like me! The Presidential Personnel Office. Why don’t I stick my head in there and see who’s in a mini-skirt today. SFX: (Footsteps.) Trump: Here we are. Knock knock! President in the House! Hey, PPO kiddies! Whassup? Hey, are you looking for someone to replace John Bossert, the homeland security guy? (A millennial laughs.) Trump: What’s going on in here, a party? How come you’re just all standing around? And what’s all this smoke? PPO Kiddie (exhaling): We’re vaping! 2
Trump: Yeah, well be careful with that kind of stuff. Because that’s how I first started getting in trouble, in my crazy younger days! PPO Kiddie (exhaling): Yeah? With vaping!? Trump: Oh, vaping! Silly me. I thought you said “raping”!! Heheh, gotta get the old ears checked soon, by my new VA chief. He always gives me an incredible bill of health. Better than an Olympic athlete. People want to think I have the health of a Kentucky Derby winner. PPO Kiddie (bored): Cool. Trump: Gotta go. Find me a good homeland security advisor, now. PPO Kiddie: Okay. SFX: (Footsteps.) Trump: Jesus, they’re not even pretending to care. What the fuck. Might as well go hide out in the bunker. Maybe get someone to give me a backrub or something. SFX: (Footsteps.) Nixon’s Ghost: Donald J. Trump! Trump: Huh! You look like Nixon! Nixon’s Ghost: Damn straight, Donald! Trump: But you’re dead! Nixon’s Ghost: And you’re not as stupid as people say you are! See, you can look right through me. I’m a ghost. Whooooooo!!! Trump (terrified): Ahhh, I’m scared! Nixon’s Ghost: You should be! You’re about to be impeached! Trump: I am? 3
Nixon’s Ghost: Well, some time after the coming blue tsunami of the midterm elections! Trump: Yeah? How do you know? Nixon’s Ghost: Well, I may be dead, but I’m not stupid! Trump: Good one! Nixon’s Ghost: You know, it’s awfully hot in hell! Trump: Yeah, so I’ve heard. Nixon’s Ghost: Why don’t you do yourself and everyone on earth a big favor and just resign? Trump: Well, honestly, it’s because unlike you, I’m not a quitter! No offense. Nixon’s Ghost: None taken, you bastard! But do you really want to go down in history as the first American president to be impeached and convicted? Trump: I don’t know. It’s better than being some weaselly quitter, in all honesty. Nixon’s Ghost: Stop saying that! There’s nothing wrong with quitting when you can’t get the job done. When you don’t have Tool One. Since we’re being honest, you had no business running for president. None at all! I mean, I might have not been the greatest president, but at least I started out as a lawyer, then a senator, then a VP! But you make me look like a Quaker – choir boy, if there were such a thing. You’re just in it for the money! And you already were rich! You’re a greedy pig, Donald! Just throw in the towel. Pence will get the job done after you’re gone. Trump: That prick Pence? I’m not gonna let that smug bible-thumper have my job! I won it sort of fair and kind of square! Nixon’s Ghost: You did not and you know it, unless you really have hoodwinked yourself with all your prevarications and lies! Lookie here, you fucking prick! You’re sullying the office of the presidency. Trump: Well look who’s talking! Nixon’s Ghost: What I did was tiddlywinks compared to any one of your sex scandals, money laundering schemes, or treasonous dealings with the Russkies! 4
Trump: Fuck off, Ghost! I’ll see you in Hell! Nixon’s Ghost: Yes, you will. And it won’t be long now. Your big fat gut is a fatal heart attack just waiting to happen! Hoo hoo hoo hoo!!!! Trump: Aww, fuck! I feel like shit now. I need someone to cheer me up. Think I’ll call my darling girl. Wifey wishy girly pretty blond ‘n tall ‘n light ‘n lovely. Let me…. SFX (he makes a call): Ivanka: Hi, Dad. Trump: Hi, Ivanka, sweetie. Can you come over? I really need to see you. Ivanka: No, Dad. Busy. I’m at another Women’s International Day Summit or something. Trump: Can you just come to the bunker and do what – you know, I like you to do to me? Ivanka: You mean what Hitler made his niece do to him. Ugh. Trump: Yeah. I get on the floor and you kick me. In your high heels. Kick me. I deserve it. Ivanka: I know you do. Mad as hell at you, Dad. Jared’s probably going to wind up in prison and sometimes I worry I might end up there, too. All because you had this insane dream. Trump: Come here and kick me, honey. Ivanka: No time, but I know who’d love to kick you, Dad. Trump: Who? Ivanka: You know who. The forgotten one. [Musical interlude: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8V9XO4_SGQ, “Filipino Shufflers”) SFX: (Kicking sounds.)
Trump: Oww! Oww! Eric Trump: You like that? Huh? Huh, Dad?
Trump: Oww, Eric! That really hurts.
Eric Trump: Well, that’s what you get for always ignoring me!
Trump: I’m sorry!
SFX: (Kicking sounds.) Eric Trump: I don’t think you’re sorry at all! Maybe now you will be, though. Trump: Oww! I am, Eric! Sorry! SFX: (Someone’s banging on the door.) Trump: Stop, Eric. WHO’s THERE!? Eric, if it’s the FBI, shoot me! Got that? Eric Trump: Got it. FBI Guy: (Banging on the door.) Sir? Mr. President? FBI! Let us in right now! We’ve got a warrant for— SFX: (Gunshot. Someone kicks down the door.) FBI Guy: What the fuck? Pulaski, check the president’s pulse! SFX: (Someone rushes in and kneels down to check Trump’s pulse.) Eric Trump: He told me to do it! Dad made me! SFX: (Handcuffs being clicked on.)
Pulaski: There’s no pulse. Should I give him, you know? CPR? FBI Guy: Nah, we’re good. But Eric Trump, I’m arresting you for the murder of the president of the United States. You have the right to-Eric Trump: Shit!! And just when he was starting to pay me some attention! [Musical interlude: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t8V9XO4_SGQ, “Filipino Shufflers”) END
Comedy sketch that I wrote for PolitiPod. I played Sarah Huckabee Sanders in the podcast!