The Beginning of the End Show, or It's Later Than You Think Show [Musical interlude: http://freemusicarchive.org/genre/Jazz/, 1st listing: Art Of Escapism]
And now, here he is, the man of the hour, the guy they had in mind when ad men came up with the tagline “It’s Miller Time,” the white knight of late night, the wet dream of Dreamers, the Jesus Christ of Latter Day Liberals, Boooooooooob Muellerrrrrrr! (Fervent applause.) Mueller: Thanks everyone! Thanks! Whoa, you’d think I was investigating Trump and his whole family and administration here - instead of just Steve Bannon!! (Fervent applause.) Mueller: Stop, stop, folks! We have a big show to get to, and it’s later than you think! We have an incredible show tonight! Steve Bannon is gonna drop by, and he’s promised to spill his guts! I’d call Steve “Sloppy Steve,” but that would only encourage the president to think that’s a clever nickname he came up with for Bannon, and we all know that Donald Dumb is about as clever as his habit of colluding with the Russians in broad daylight! On TV! During a presidential debate! Is this guy dumb, or just demented? I don’t know. The doctor conducting Trump’s physical did give him a dementia test and determined that the Dear Leader could tell a camel from a lion. So yeah, I guess Trump’s simply dumb, he’s just dumb. I mean, saying Democrats who you’ve been dissing big-league for over two years are treasonous for not applauding your dumb State of the Union address, am I right? Dumb! You think Democrats are going to like you after gutting everything President Obama accomplished in eight years? Wake up and smell the writing on your stupid wall, Donald! Democrats are never going to like you, and they’re beyond pretending at this point. Dissing you, watching coverage of my investigation on CNN and MSNBC, and laughing at your ludicrous tweets, is Dems’ main hobby these days. You’ll never be able to train them like your GOP lapdogs who’d happily line up and pay twenty dollars to kiss your big doughy white ass. So stop whining that Democrats Dumb are mean to you. That’s just dumb. (Rim shot.) Okay, folks, are you ready to meet my first guest, the Notorious Steve Bannon? Heckler: Boo! Mueller: No, don’t boo him, folks! That’s not nice! Guy deserves points for bravery for showing up here and agreeing to tell the truth. Though in all honesty, it was either that or a darling orange overall ensemble in federal prison! (Rim shot. Laughter.) 1
Steve, come out here and say hi! Thanks for dressing up for us, Steve! Is that a new flak jacket or did you pick it up at the Goodwill on the way over? Bannon: Hahah, very funny, Bob. Actually, this is a very meaningful jacket to me. I wore it at a number of rallies during the president's campaign and then after. Mueller: Oh, like at the rallies in Alabama for Roy Moore? Hey, was he the stupidest idea you ever had, or was that working for DJ Trump or was it colluding with Russians? (Laughter from the audience.) I kid! Said with love! Not! Really not! Bannon: Well, no one would mistake you for a friend of the president, Bob. If this witch hunt, I mean Russia probe, was any more political, it would be wearing an Impeach Trump t-shirt! Mueller: Oh, touché, Steve! Very good! And may I remind you, since this is an investigation as well as a late-night talk show, taking the Fifth does NOT mean drinking directly from the whisky bottle in this instance. (Drum rim shot.) Bannon: Methinks my love of liquid grain is much exaggerated. Mueller: Really? That’s not what your gin blossoms are telling me! OHH!! (Drum rim shot.) Bannon: Well, who are you going to believe? My mouth or my gin blossoms? Mueller: I don’t know, Steve. But if you would kindly put your right hand on this Bible, we’ll just swear you in lickety split and we’ll find out how truthful you and your purple blotches are. Bannon: Okay. (Sound effect of hand slapping down on bible.) Mueller: Okay, Steve, you know the drill. Repeat after me -Bannon: I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. So help me God. Mueller: Very good! Something tells me you’ve done this before! Bannon: Well, there was that one time in 1996 when I was charged with domestic violence and battery for bashing my ex-wife, but nobody can blame you for beating your wife if it's out of love!
Mueller: What do you mean nobody can blame you? Sure they can! That’s what we have a justice system for! And I read in the Washington Post that very quote, of you saying that you beat your wife out of love! That’s an interesting defense for spousal abuse, and I’m sure Rob Porter would love having a fellow wife beating enthusiast. Bannon: C’mon, Bob, tell me you don’t ever feel like giving the missus a good punch in the face every once in a while! Mueller: What are you talking about? Are you trying to help Trump by coming out in support of wife abuse? I honestly can’t tell if you’re still on the Trump train or running after it with clothes spilling out of your suitcase. Bannon: Hahah, I’m not sure myself, Bob. Some days I want to elbow my way into the Trump trough with the rest of his tail-wagging lap dogs, and other days I feel like throwing on this flak jacket and give a speech at an alt-right rally to distance myself from the Washington swamp dwellers! Mueller: I see, I see. Well, tell me this, Steve, when did you first contact a Russian about how Donald Trump’s candidacy could benefit them? Lawyer: Objection! Mueller: Objection? Oh, I see you’ve brought your attorney. What are the grounds for your objection, Counsel? Lawyer: Um, well, you’re jumping way ahead! It hasn’t been established that Mr. Bannon ever contacted a Russian. Mueller (bored): Steve? Have you ever contacted a Russian? Bannon: Well, uh. Has the Pope ever contacted a Catholic? (Laughter from the audience.) Mueller: Good one! So true. So when did you first contact a Russian? Was it before the president announced his candidacy or after? (Whispering and mumbling.) Bannon: On Counsel’s advice, I refuse to answer on the grounds that my answers may tend to incriminate me. Mueller: No shit, really? Come on, Steve, we’re not in court here! This is just a friendly late night talk show! Do you want to help me entertain the folks at home or would you rather come off like just another weaselly, evasive Trump henchman? Bannon: Well, when you describe it like that, you make it sound kind of bad!
Mueller: Good, because it is! It’s kind of bad to obstruct justice, too, and doing that could tend to put you behind bars in an orange jumpsuit, if you get my gist! Bannon: I do. I get your gist. You’re coming in loud and clear. Mueller: Great. And if you tell all you know about the president’s dealings with Russians, I’m sure we can come to an arrangement that can keep you in flak jackets and out of jumpsuits. Bannon: Tempting. Tempting. Mueller: So I’ll ask you again, Steve, did you have any contacts with Russians about how they could help get Donald Trump elected? Or how a President Trump could help Russia’s President Putin fulfill any of his objectives? Bannon: Oh, my gosh. I have too many answers for those questions. It’s all a bunch of colorful images rushing around in my brain like a blurry montage of collusion scenes. I produced a few films, you know – mostly anti-Clinton ones – so I know my movie industry jargon. Mueller: Impressive. But if you could grab hold of one of those scenes from your recent past, kind of wrestle it to the ground, and tell us what you see, we’d all be most appreciative. So ask your blurry image jumble, if you would: did President Trump tell Flynn to lie to the FBI? Bannon: Um. Um. I don’t know! Executive privilege! Can’t answer on the basis of executive privilege! Mueller: Oh, crap! Executive privilege doesn’t apply to you, Steve! We’ve discussed this before. It only applies to the president, and only in a limited context. Bannon: Um, then yeah, the President told Flynn to lie to the FBI. Trump tells everyone to always lie 24-7! He says lying always works for him and the truth never does! The president hates the truth like Superman hates kryptonite! He says truth is for losers! Why do you think no one connected with Trump ever tells the fucking truth? It’s because the president painted the truth brown with a shit-covered paint roller! Mueller: Wow, Steve. That’s an eye opener! Bannon: And it’s the god’s honest truth! Mueller: Uh huh. But if Trump has ordered everyone on the Trump train to lie 24-7, and you’re still on the Trump train – Bannon: Yup yup yuppers, still on it – Mueller: Then why should I ever believe a word you say? Bannon: That’s a conundrum, Bob. I see where you’re going with that. Mueller: Of course, when I get you under the bright lights and I can prove you’re lying – 4
Bannon: I don’t like where I think you’re going here. Mueller: I bet you don’t! And if you really don’t like where I’m going – you’re really not going to like where you’re going when I’m done with you! Bannon: I don’t like the sound of that at all. Mueller: Well, if you don’t like the sound of that, you’re really not going to like how those scratchy polyester jumpsuits feel when you’re serving ten to twenty years in federal prison. I hear the food is crap, too. Kind of bland and mushy. Bannon: Oh shit. Mueller: Oh shit is right, Steve. Bannon: Suddenly I feel kind of truthtelly right now. Mueller: That’s wonderful. I was hoping you would say that. And I’d like to cordially invite you to pay my colleagues and me a visit very soon so you can tell us a lot of very interesting and truthful truths that may involve national security and thus can’t be discussed on national television! Are you in? Bannon: I’m in, I’m in. Anything to keep me out of that orange jumpsuit. Orange would totally clash with my purple splotches! (Laughter from the audience.) Mueller: That’s the spirit, Steve! And when you come to talk to us, just think: would Donald Trump ever lift one of his short little fingers to protect you? Bannon: Absolutely not! He’d rather eat broccoli! Mueller: Exactly! And do you promise to tell the truth about Trump, the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Bannon: As long as we both shall live, so help me God! I do!! Mueller: Perfect! Oh, and here’s a piece of paper for you. Keep it safe, because it’s very important to your future. You have been served. Bannon: Okay, okay. Gotcha. You bet, Bob. I’ll be there with bells on. Mueller: Bells won’t be necessary. Just a thinking cap and any notes that could be relevant. Bannon: Uh huh. Uh huh. And I’ll wear my lucky flak jacket. It’s always worked for me so far. Mueller: Sure, Steve. Sure it has. (Laughter from the audience.)
Mueller: Folks, we have to take a short break. But don’t move a muscle, because next up, Katy Perry’s going to sing the first cut off her new album: “The Reckoning is Coming for You, Donald Trump”! It’s sure to become an anthem for a lot of people over the next four years or thereabouts, I think! Stay tuned! [Musical close is the same as the opening interlude: http://freemusicarchive.org/genre/Jazz/, 1st listing: Art Of Escapism]
Another PolitiPod skit I wrote, with Bob Mueller as a talk show host interviewing Steve Bannon