He Stormy Weather at the White House by Alice Jacobson Narrator: Amid too many scandals infecting his presidency to even list without the benefit of an Excel spreadsheet, Donald Trump had the gall at a Pennsylvania rally to announce his 2020 campaign slogan: Keep America Great! With an exclamation work. That’s right, Trump now claims he’s already made America great – presumably by colluding with Putin to sow discord in the U.S., gutting health coverage for Americans, and dismantling consumer protections from environmental pollution and Wall Street firms that cater to the very wealthy while ripping off everyone else. Oh, and Trump appointed one lousy Supreme Court justice. At first, the Stormy Daniels scandal, which would have rocked any previous presidency and likely triggered immediate impeachment, barely registered on Americans’ radar. But fear not, true patriots! The Stormy story is picking up steam and may yet trigger the downfall of the so-far non-stick Traitor Trump. [Musical interlude: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qneo7iquNY4, “Strut Miss Lizzy”) Pizza boy: Howdy, ma’am! I’m here to deliver your extra-large pepperoni pizza, and – whoa, it looks like you’re not wearing anything at all underneath your transparent nightie. Amber: That’s right, sweetie! I just stepped out of a steamy shower and couldn’t wait to bite into your red-hot pepperoni -Stormy: Cut! And take ten. Amber: What’s wrong, Stormy? Stormy: Nothing, Amber! I just have a call I have to take. Pizza boy: No prob, Stormy. I gotta pee, anyway. BRB. Amber: Fine, I’ll have a smoke. And a Tic-Tac. Stormy: Hello? Stormy Daniels. Who’s this? Emmet Floyd? That’s a great porn name, honey! Emmet Floyd: I’m not in porn, Ms. Daniels! I’m President Trump’s new attorney. Stormy: Oh, that’s right! The one who worked for Bill Clinton when he was impeached over the laughably trivial Monica Lewinsky scandal. Emmet Floyd: That’s right. You’re well informed. Stormy: When you’re suing the president of the U.S., I have to be. Better informed than him. Which is admittedly not difficult. Not difficult at all. To be better informed than the factdeprived Tronald Dump. Emmet Floyd: Be that as it may, I wonder if you could meet with me next Wednesday at 9 a.m. at my Washington office. And please ask your attorney to join us. Stormy: Michael Avenatti. His phone number is-1
Emmet Floyd: I’ve already left many messages on his answering machine. He hasn’t called back. Stormy: He’s been busy. Emmet Floyd: I know. I’ve seen him on CNN, MSNBC, the Today Show, Meet the Press, The View, and The Chew. Stormy: The Chew? I need to write that down! That would be a great adult film title! Emmet Floyd: Well, be that as it may, you’ll need to bring in any records you have of any meetings you’ve allegedly had with the president. Stormy: Ughh. It’s gonna be painful to relive that horrible moment of my life. Emmet Floyd: You’re a porn star, Ms. Daniels. I’m sure you’ve been through a lot of hard times. Stormy: Well, I’ve had male co-stars insult me, poke me, prod me, breathe their disgusting breath into my mouth. I’ve had trolls on Twitter and Facebook call me pig, whore, skank, and fat. But nothing has been quite as bad as the night in 2006 that I spent with the narcissistic, misogynistic piece of shit who I will never ever call “President Trump.” Okay, Mr. Floyd. See you next Wednesday. I’ll bring all my notes. Acchh… Amber: Stormy? Are you okay? You can confide in me. Amber: Thanks, Amber. I’m getting this awful flashback to 2006. Lady: Oh right. That’s when you met him. Stormy: Yup. It all started with a golf tournament where I met this self-obsessed celeb, and he immediately glommed onto me like bubblegum on a hot sidewalk and persuaded me to meet him at a hotel so he could live out his private porn fantasy, I guess. Amber: Sound gross AF. Stormy: Oh, trust me. It was. He grabbed me right in my – hotel room! [Surreal musical interlude: http://freemusicarchive.org/music/Tagirijus/Cinematic_2017/manuel_senfft__fast_transaction.] SFX: (Knocking on door. Door opens.) Donald: Hi, Stormy! SFX: (Door slams.) Stormy: Ow! That hurt my ears! Donald: Whoops, hehehe! I just didn’t want to be seen by anyone in the hotel! The paparazzi are always hounding me. Stormy: Well, sure, and welcome, Donald, and make yourself at home in my humble hotel suite. Do you want a drink? I’ve got the full bar and I also ordered food serv— whoa, are you taking your clothes off? 2
Donald: Hon, we’ve gotta get a move on here. My wife just had a baby and she’ll probably notice I’m not around soon. Can you fluff me up, here? That’s what they call it in the porn biz, right, Storm? Stormy: Um, yeah, and there are low-paid fluffers who handle-- that sort of thing. You know, just because I work in the adult film industry – Donald: Porn!! Stormy: Whatever! You know, I don’t think this is going to work out. You’re in a hurry, and understandably so. Donald: No! Me not in hurry! Me want sex! Take your clothes off! Be sexy! Stormy: Donald, you should go back to your wife and newborn baby. I’m sorry I even agreed to this whole thing. Donald: Whaaa! Slut! Whore! Tramp! GrarrhhghHH! Stormy: HEY! STOP IT! THAT HURT! YOU JUST GRABBED MY VAGINA! Donald: So what?! You must be used to that, in your profession! I just want to live out the fantasies I get when I watch you and other porn whores on my DVD! And I can pay you! Here, have a hundred! Have another hundred! Stormy: Stop throwing your money at me! I’m not a hooker! Donald: Hooker, porn star, what’s the difference? Stormy: Uh, a lot, and I’m also a director, by the way, so I don’t appreciDonald: Porn director! And woman! Stormy: What? Woman? Yes, I am a woman, and what are you saying exactly? Donald: Me Trump. You woman. So I can grab your pussy if I want to, and you should appreciate it! Stormy: Are you insane? Donald: No, I’m a celebrity! You should be honored to have me grab your pussy! Most women are! Stormy: I think you’re suffering from delusions of grandeur. Or narcissism. Or something. But you know what? This date is over. You can get out. Donald: Not before my happy ending! I want a happy ending! I’m Donald Trump! Stormy: I have a hot red news flash! You are not all that, Donald! So you have a crummy reality TV show, so what? It’s not like you’re – president of the United States or something. So get the fuck out of here before I call hotel security!
Donald: Fuck you, Stormy Whory! I’m going, but I’m gonna make you sorry you ever talked to me like that! Stormy: I’m sorry I ever met you, Donald Dumb!! SFX: (Door opens, footsteps, door slams.) Lady: Whoa! So this whole Trump presidency nightmare has been -Stormy: My fault! Achh. I’m sorry! Lady: You should be, Stormy! Not since my step-father molested when I was in first grade me has my life been such a hell as it is since that fuck won the election! Trump sucks a Dirk Diglersize dick dipped in shit! Stormy: Tell me about it! Lady: But you know what? You’re the only one who can fix this! You can tell the media, tell the world, get Trump impeached! Stormy: I’m trying, Amber! What do you think I’ve been doing? Lady: Yeah? Well that’s awesome, Stormy! If you get that fuck impeached, I’ll do anything for you! Anything!! Pizza boy: Me too, Stormy! Crew: Yeah! Us too! Stormy: Thanks, guys! I’m trying! We need to return this country to the integrity and honor it once had on the world stage! I’m going to do my best to really make America great again, and that means getting the cowards of Congress to impeach that fat fuck and putting him in prison! Crew: YEAH!! (Applause.) Stormy: Okay, let’s get back to work. We’ll take it from the next scene, Amber, where you crawl into bed. Austin, you’re gonna get into her bed and feed her a piece of pepperoni and Amber, you’re gonna chew on it like it’s a little piece of heaven! Amber: No problem! Pizza boy: Stormy? Was Trump’s dick as big as mine? Stormy: Austin, his dick was a limp piece of lettuce that wilted on the vine in the Texas sun! Pizza boy: Hahah!! Cool!! Stormy: All right! Roll cameras! Cameraman: Cameras rolling, Stormy! [Musical interlude: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qneo7iquNY4, “Strut Miss Lizzy”)
I wrote this skit and got to play Stormy Daniels in the PolitiPod podcast, at SoundCloud.com/PolitiPod.