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Image: Chloe Buxton


MALE STYLE Dress to impress.

Image: Chloe Buxton

It goes without saying that not all men are exactly blessed with the physique of the son of Zeus, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have the right ingredients to turn heads – the right recipe is always achievable. As long as you don’t suffer under the weight of overbearing arrogance, I stand by the fact that there is always a means of drawing attention to yourself. I mean the right kind of attention – a man prowling across a bar with the swagger of Mike Tyson’s tiger probably isn’t going to cut it. Unless you’re both drunk. Very, very drunk. Providing the dish your suitors will delight over takes forward planning and that can start with something as simple as the way you dress. Size matters No boys, not like that. We’ve all heard the saying that all people are beautiful in their own way but, to put it simply, if it doesn’t fit, don’t wear it. Donning clothes with a good fit is an essential part of any discerning man’s appearance and if the gear you’re rocking is loose or riding up your legs, odds are you’re going to look pretty stupid. Although it goes without saying that many other factors come into play when engaging with your sex of choice, rolling up with trousers and a t-shirt so tight you look like you’ve been attacked by a high-heat tumble-dryer, bad things are going to happen. Unless you’re Ryan Gosling. He could probably make it work. This works the other way, too. If your attire is baggy enough to initiate you into a south-Detroit gang, you’re still far from heading in the right direction. It’s simple – wear clothes that fit. If you’re overweight, wearing clothes that are unnecessarily big is just going to accentuate your size. With shirts, measure around your neck and chest.

Allow an extra inch around the chest and half an inch for the collar for breathing room. Considering the task at hand, your brain is going to need as much oxygen as possible. Trousers should sit on your waist and go no lower than the bottom of your ankle.

Style definition This is the part where you really get to express who you are and give a flavour of who you are. As mentioned before, no matter the price tag, something that doesn’t fit is going to make you look disorganised and sloppy. Pick your style with care – it’s a chance to emphasise your best features and add depth to your appearance. If you’re not sure of what you’d look good in, grab some advice from a friend or take a leaf out of someone else’s book. Put some


thought into what the image you want to portray is. Whether it’s the suave-suited businessman or the rugged rock star, make it personalised and show yourself off.

Presentation Now, it doesn’t matter if your gear’s from Calvin Klein or Primark, if you don’t present yourself well you’re probably going to look crappy. Putting attention into the smaller details is exactly what turns your ingredients into a dish others will desire. Firstly, if you’ve chosen to wear leather shoes that’s cool, but make sure they’re polished. If you can’t find the time, at least make sure there’s no mud externally visible. Secondly, this isn’t the Bronze Age - sweat isn’t an aphrodisiac anymore. You can turn up looking as fine as Brad Pitt, but if

you’re smelling as bad as he looked in Snatch, you’re going to instantly push people away. Take a shower, have a shave, and carefully apply a bit of after-shave. If you have stubble, feel free to keep it, but keep it under control. You want to be rugged like Jamie Dornan, not Grisly Adams, because the female attention he’s receiving is the kind the majority would greet with a tranquiliser gun. Studies have shown that the peak beard length for female attraction is 10 days. Above or below - untrustworthy, unemployed, and creepy. There you go – the three main stages to getting the girl by defining your style. Take this advice, refine your appearance and before long you’re going to be swimming a sea of sexual intrigue. Go forth, sir, and make me proud – your dream partner is out there, it’s time to go and get them.


Global counsel assembles to discuss British flooding crisis Today, representatives of the Northern African countries gathered in Nigeria to discuss the intensifying situation in Southern England. Some of the countries, who have been at war with each other for over two decades, were distraught by the adverse weather conditions, with shock great enough to unite militia and government forces with the hope of working together to help the suffering region.

“We’re aware that providing assistance to the British might fall at the detriment of our own people, but the vast majority are being slightly inconvenienced by reduced public travel services leaving many with little choice but to car-share or book unwanted holiday leave - as humans, we can’t sit and watch this happen”.

The United States is joining the relief effort, halting election debates to organise the “We’ve watched all the videos on YouTube mass-shipping of wellington boots and and it’s a mess. Umbrellas flying everytravel-packed cup-a-soups. where, soggy clothes – something really needs to be done.” “It is our duty as Americans to offer assistance where we can. We will take full ad“Southern England has really borne the vantage of the flooding and intend to make brunt of the weather”, one spokesman port in inland Devon by early next week.” mentioned, “I’m shocked that some of them are having to deal with up to kneeDespite generous attempts to relieve the height water. I can’t imagine the pain they strain on English citizens, with rising conmust be in”. cerns surrounding tea-bag shortages and faulty kettles, the situation is expected to In an area where as few as 5% are million- get a lot worse before it improves. aires, the need for a call to Cameron for financial aid is growing daily, but with recent financial reports indicating slippery slopes that extend further than the Cotswolds, the PM has warned that tax increases might be the only pliable option. After a lengthy but rather one-sided debate, the African counsel have decided on a series of aid packages to be dispatched within the week.


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Over Over--inflated egos and why I’ll never buy a Kindle. Over the past 2 years, the arrival of the kindle has influenced a global surge in e-book purchases. Despite numerous positive reviews praising the device for its ingenuity, mobility and ability to add convenience to the consumption of literature, there are those who remain unconvinced. They are the change-resistant patrons of the printed novel and I stand firm-footed among their ranks. Aside from my personal opinion, I’ll be fair with my overview of the kindle. With an impressive storage capacity that will have home libraries running for the hills and weighing in at a slim 6 ounces, the kindle really does come with its benefits. It’s hard to deny that dropping a kindle on your face whilst enjoying a leisurely bedtime read hurts a fair bit less than a double-bound hardback copy of Great Expectations. This is an undeniable plus. What most users do seem to forget, time and time again, is that although a book might leave you with a sore nose, a momentary loss of concentration and an accidental loosening of your grip aren’t going to see it exploding into shards on the floor. A bent cover gives an old book personality; a screen crack gives a kindle a function-impairing fault.

This is where the benefits of the fashioned book really begin to sh through. Although some of us mi frown at having to shell out £15.9 for a hardback copy, the sheer weight and size of it does give yo some confidence in its resilience clumsiness. When you’re as clum as I and supporting any object w in your hands can result in a spon neous juggling session, employin fragile £169 device as a means o viewing literature has its obvious weaknesses.

When I question people as to the motives behind their kindle purchase, I often hear one of two an swers. It’s either mobility benefit that are brought into question, or the ability to browse a vast range books prior to download. The firs which I can understand – as men tioned previously, my sore nose c testify to this fact. What I can’t un derstand, however, is the second point of view. When someone speaks of this as an innovative fe ture of technology, I can’t help b get the itch. Last time I checked, village library has a pretty vast se lection and correct me if I’m wro but a membership there doesn’t cost £169. In fact, I’m fairly certa it’s free.

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Everyone is completely entitled to their own opinion, I don’t attack that, but I don’t think reading should be a solitary activity. Yes, my library might be a little out-of-date, but ou there’s no way I’m going to pass up e to on my Saturday morning shelf msy browse and occasional chat with the with- smiley old lady behind the issue nta- counter. ng a of Please don’t confuse me with the s middle-aged, technology-refuting stickler – I’m all for gadgets. iPhones are great, games consoles are great e and the reason I love them is because they all provide services that nwould otherwise be publicly unavailts able. As far as technology is conr cerned, this is exactly the reason e of why I place the kindle amongst the st of ranks of the electric can-opener. It’s ncool, yeah, and it might save me a can bit of time, but it’s still something I ncan do without a hit to my bank bald ance and the use of mains electricity. eabut The release of the Kindle Fire HD my shortly after once again boasted esome nice features but once again, ong, it’s been done before. To be honest, if you’re sitting on the train using a ain device specifically tailored to reading, using it to watch TV is just upsetting.


Having presented these arguments, I admit my last with shame, as it has been the one that’s governed my final opinion. Even if I’m on the train and fancying a read, I take a very firm stance that I hope some of you might well share with me. If I’m reading a particularly tricky novel, I might just want everyone to know what a tough time I’m having. You might deny it, but there is definitely something to be said for brandishing a book like a literary trophy to make yourself feel a little bit smarter on your journey home. So hold your opinion, read your kindle, but whilst I’m sat there thinking “yes, this is an original copy of Naked Lunch”, everyone else in the carriage is probably presuming you’re reading 50 Shades of Grey. Image: Chloe Buxton


Kent hospitality — service with a stare

The home of Kent Hospitality can be found East of the main Keynes building, in a detached shack similar to those inhabited by builders working night-shifts laying tarmac on the M2. Those of you who may have also happened by this building, or perhaps even inside in hope of directions or other assistance will undoubtedly recall the somewhat niche customer service strategies Hospitality employ. What training the staff in this establishment have received is somewhat unapparent, but from my experiences, I’m pretty sure they skipped the ‘service with a smile’ module. In fact, they’ve probably steered clear of the ‘service’ module altogether. Spot on, Hospitality - sticking to stares of primal aggression that worked so well for our Anglo-Saxon ancestors is a more than appropriate means of engaging with the student body. If you cock your head and squint your eyes you can just about make out where they’re coming from here, but although beneficial to their workload, I can’t imagine the ‘employ blunt attitude, push customers away’ approach is too good for business.

I should probably add that the basis of my less-thanpositive opinion isn’t ungrounded. Last year, after a string of bizarre events, I found myself homeless and in need of some assistance from the University. With only minimal delay and waiting room awkwardness with people who can’t respect urban solitude, I was directed towards Hospitality, who would help me find accommodation on campus. ‘Great’, I thought, imagining stepping through the door and being greeted with a tumbler of scotch and an open fireplace, as the department’s name flicked through my mind. After approaching the desk and being met by a stare Peter Capaldi would sweat from, I realised this was probably going to take a bit of time.

CAMPUS TALK After three further interactions on three separate days and a carefully-placed phone call from my Chief Petty Officer father, it was arranged that I could take one set of keys at a time and return to swap for another set if I wished, on the condition that I left my driving license as a deposit. I pointed out to the receptionist that, in the unlikely event of me deciding to steal the keys, my whereabouts probably wouldn’t be too hard to find, but giving homeless students pity-laughs obviously wasn’t part of her job description. I was presented with a contract, which I promptly signed, and after a period of only 3 nights spent on my friend’s sofa, I was allowed to move in.

way – maybe I should have brought them a bag of rubbish to tear open or a house cat to chase. You’re free to pass your own judgement, but in future I will be organising housing through external agencies and I strongly all those without substantial amounts of time to throw away to do the same.

Don’t get me wrong – I have few gripes with the University faculties, but when it takes the well-deliberated words of a military tactician to negotiate a viewing from a department whose primary responsibility is managing accommodation, there might be something a little bit wrong. I’m not sensationalising here – feel free to check for yourself, but trust me when I say that I have encountered urban foxes with more patience and common decency. Perhaps I approached the exchange in the wrong

Images: Image:, Uni_Kent_June2010_DSC5022.jpg

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Writing in the media portfolio - Alex Cutler