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THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

BEAR BRAWL EXCLUSIVELY ON Friday, August 6, 2010

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BEAR BRACKETS: 1st ROUND Yogi Bear

Paul Teutul, Sr.

Winnie the Pooh

The Care Bears

Boo Boo

Teddy Ruxpin

Bearenstein Bears

Baloo

Fozzy Bear

Teddy (from A.I.)

The 3 Bears

Smokey the Bear

Paddington

Masturbating Bear

Snuggles

Pedobear

Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

Yogi Bear

Winnie the Pooh

Right out of the gate we start with a fight between two of the odds-on favorites. Winnie clearly has the support of the fans, but he始s soft - lacking a mean streak. Yogi, on the other hand, would choke a bitch for a pic-a-nic basket.That ruthlessness will take him into the next round. Winner: YOGI BEAR Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

The Bearenstein Bears

Boo Boo

The numbers favor the Bearensteins, but, Boo Boo learned from the best. His craftiness and smarts will outwit that pansy-ass family any day of the week. Winner: BOO BOO Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

Fozzy Bear

The 3 Bears

Fozzy is one of the toughest SOBs in the bear kingdom. Anyone who can put up with Ms. Piggy始s shit for as long as he has must have balls of steels. The 3 Bears couldn始t even stop some blonde tween from eating their breakfast and passing out in their beds. Winner: FOZZY Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

Paddington

Snuggles

Paddington始s English heritage and general politeness puts him in the same category as Winnie the Pooh: Loved but otherwise useless. Snuggles, though, is one dangerous MFr. He carries that blanket with him for a reason. As soon as that limey isn始t looking, Snuggles will smother him FTW. Winner: SNUGGLES Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

The Care Bears

Paul Teutul, Sr.

One is a group of loveable, huggable, heroes. The other has a penchant for leather and handlebar mustaches. The Care Bears could shoot all of the rainbows and sunshine drops that they could muster, and Paul Sr. would still just run them down with his custom “Roadkill Bear� motorcylce. Winner: PAUL TEUTUL, SR. Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

Teddy Ruxpin

Baloo

You would think that Teddy始s magical story-telling powers would be enough to seal up a victory. But I had a Teddy doll when I was a kid and I threw up in his mouth. My mom had to remove his lower jaw. So, if that ninny can始t even handle the vomit of a four-year-old, there始s no way he could stop a jungle monster like Baloo. Winner: BALOO Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

Teddy (from A.I.)

Smokey the Bear

Smokey has the noble position of reminding people across our great nation that only they can prevent forrest fires. But, Teddy single-handedly saved the otherwise Sci-Fi abortion that was Steven Spielberg始s A.I.: Artificial Intelligence. Any one character that can carry an entire film that bad can surely blow out a few brush fires. Winner: TEDDY Friday, August 6, 2010


1st Round

VS.

Pedobear

The Masturbating Bear

Talk about a hard fight! These two behemoths would have at it for hours. In the end, The Masturbating Bear始s self-pleasuring ways would get the better of him, allowing the more crafty and tenacious Pedobear to employ an Ali Rope-a-Dope-style victory. Winner: PEDOBEAR Friday, August 6, 2010


THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE

BEAR BRAWL Come back tomorrow for Round 2 Friday, August 6, 2010


Bear Brawl Round 1