6th of Pheonix
Not sure how to do this… my father always told me it was girls who wrote journals… But I need to empty my chest, it grows heavier by the hour. And what did he know of pain and grief anyway? He lived such a blissful life, with servants and money… fancy food and strong drink… masquerades and parties… sure, he grieved when mother died but after that he lost his memory … he never knew real pain. Ignorance is bliss.
We faced unknown horrors today… there were casualties. Owen lead. He proved himself too, he isn’t the skirt-chasing ladies’ man many would think he is… well, not just that anyhow. It’s helped seeing all my old friends in the Third again. Good company can help you forget what troubles you. Well… most of it. Sophia says she’s there if I need someone to talk to. She’s like the sister I… once had.
7th of Phoenix
No rest for the wicked they say… such has proven true lately. As if it wasn’t enough that we have wounded men, now some are… well, possessed? I now know why Rolfe and Jones acted so strangely earlier… apparently, something got into them at the cave. Something evil. Rolfe got cleansed, or whatever you want to call it… I had to hold him down as he screamed and tried to pull away. I spoke to Sophia about it as well. She shares sentiment, that it is a stinging pain to see a friend in such agony whilst being unable to help.
Agony. I’ve been in some myself. It would be wrong of me to compare mine to that which Rolfe felt, but…. Still, a different kind of agony. My thoughts drift back ten years… to when I met Canthara… beautiful… sweet… funny… caring… I thought. She tears heart from chest, only to die herself the next day. Heh, I wasn’t sure if I was glad or dismayed back then… pretty sure now that I was dismayed. Don’t think I ever fully recovered… promised myself I’d never be like her… a lustful creature. However, my will is failing me. Earlier, I caught my gaze lingering longer than I’d like at one of the Corporals… I guess she reminds me of Canthara in a way, or how I thought Canthara was. She helped me with my armour, which was kind of her. To make things worse, I find myself wanting her to aid me again, even though I believe I manage to hide it well… Who am I? I feel like I’m becoming the very thing that once destroyed me. What is the value of will when the spirit is found wanting?
I told Murray that I held no faith in the gods anymore… that they have abandoned me. She says I mustn’t lose hope, and that they haven’t left us. I hope she’s right.
8th of Phoenix
Much has happened. As First Lieutenant, my thoughts should remain solemnly on the matters regarding the Regiment. Such is my duty. Yet I fear I may be failing them all… as my thoughts drift towards other matters…
Sophia calmed me today. She reminds me very much of Iyanna… may you rest in peace, my dear little sister.
Even though I grieve for my sister and my father… and I miss my mother… my thoughts have been drawn elsewhere. Corporal Carr approached me before she left for her scouting mission today. I feel we’ve… connected during recent times. She told me that one of the men in the Regiment had made a pass at her… but that she did not encourage it. Why… would she tell me this? Why me? I struggle enough as it is already to keep my gaze away. She begged me not to make her say his name. I told her it was alright. I had to, for my own sake… would I have done something to him? After a while, I told her that I did not want to waste her time any more, that she should depart for her journey. She asked if I wanted her to leave… I wasn’t sure how to respond. As First Lieutenant… or as Alexander.
I feel I am absent choice regarding my own feelings… for what is the value of will when the spirit is found wanting? Perhaps returning to the Third Regiment was a bad idea.
9th of Phoenix
What makes a man…? His heart. Whether filled with joy, love, hate, righteousness, or wickedness… the heart of a man may very well be his most defining quality. Even a broken heart may serve a purpose. To drive a man further than he could ever imagine.
Jaffa’s punishment got a lot worse today. I gave him a barrel of prunes to feed the dolyak. Blasted beasts wouldn’t stop shitting. I agree that a Seraph… drunk… is an outrage. But I would not wish Jaffa’s fate upon any man.
I had a long chat with Sophia. She made me realize the error of my ways. When Canthara died, I was broken. I sought the aid of alcohol to heal my wounds. But the strong drink only hid my wounds. And in their concealment, they festered upon me. Sophia taught me how to grieve, so I could move on. I feel as if a great weight has been lifted off my chest.
I briefly shared some words with Rolfe as well. We made a promise to each other. If I die during the campaign, he will keep an eye out for Sophia. If he dies, I am to keep an eye out for Lynia.
Near the end of the day I sparred with Corporal Carr. As experienced as she is, I still emerged the victor. Later in the evening, as I prepared some supper for myself, I happened upon her again. She joined me for some oats under the tree in the upper levels of the Fort. It was a pleasant moment. As if my worries disappeared. We got… close. Yet I fear near the end of our conversation I may have upset her. I’m not sure what to make of neither her, nor my emotions towards her. Will I regain my heart only to have it torn out again? Perhaps this is my punishment for my past transgressions…