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EAT ME


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INT. ADINOS HQ - DAY

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A group of BUSINESSMEN/WOMEN in suits gather around a large table that spans the distance of the board room. In the background we see can see the Chicago skyline. They discuss replacing an athlete. BOSS Alright people, we are in need of a new athlete...the death of Enrique was a huge surprise to all of us BOSS points to a huge picture of Enrique in the corner of the room. It shows ENRIQUE gorged to death with a taco still partially in his mouth. It reads "In Loving Memory". BOSS (CONT’D) Now I know this is going to be hard, but we need to find a replacement...any ideas? LADY 1 We could look into recruiting from our farm teams! BOSS No, no, no that’s too simple...I want something else...something different. LADY 2 How about we go scouting for a new man in the city. BOSS Freelance scouting! I like it! Great idea, now follow through on it, Chop chop! Everyone leaves the room except for Boss who stands up and looks out on the Chicago skyline. He stares out onto it in curiosity and wonder. 2

INT. JACKS HOUSE - DAY

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Blackness. An alarm sounds playing a classic rock station. It reads 5pm. We see a CURLY/SHAGGY HAIRED MAN wearing short shorts and a megadeath tank top. He slams off the alarm. Sitting on his bed, he reaches out of frame and pulls up a bong and lighter; he takes a hit. He sets the pipe down and puts on jeans and a tye-dye shirt (Custom Made). He gets up, grabs his keys, gets into his 1989 van, and takes off.


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INT. BIG BOB’S BBQ - NIGHT

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We see the man from before. He sits at a table surrounded by PEOPLE chanting "BlackJack". He now wears a pair of Reflective Aviators and a headband with a picture of blackjack on it. BIG BOB Ok JACK, you have one hour to eat this 5.5lb BBQ sandwich. Now get crackin’ (slaps Jack on back and starts timer) JACK (standing up and bowing) Ok people, watch and learn! We hear AC/DC’s shoot to thrill play over the system. Jack sits down and digs in. Minutes later he has finished the sandwich with flying colors; he flips over the table while simultaneously standing up. JACK (CONT’D) That is what I’m talkin’ about! WOOOOOOOOOO! Jack grabs TWO ATTRACTIVE WAITRESSES as he poses for a photo with his new trophy. BIG BOB drapes a t-shirt over his shoulder and extends his hand to congratulate him. BIG BOB On behalf of my whole establishment I would like congratulate you on your feat! (Holds out hand) Jack snubs the handshake, but takes the 100 dollars he earned. He struts out of the restaurant. 4

EXT. BIG BOB’S BBQ PARKING LOT - NIGHT

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Jack comes out of the restaurants front door and struts to his car. A MAN steps out of his limo and approaches Jack. He wears a sharp black suit, and carries a steel briefcase. MR. GRAY (approaches with smile) Hello, my name is Mr. Gray. I assume you are Jack, correct? Jack looks at Mr. Gray angrily for having interrupted his celebration.


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JACK What do you want? MR. GRAY (amiably) Well Jack, I work for Adinos. Are you aware of us? JACK No. MR. GRAY Well, we have a business offer for you; we have been watching you for several days at all of your competions and Adinos wishes to sponsor you as a competitive eater. JACK ARE YOU TRYIN’ TO CALL ME FAT MISTER? MR. GRAY Uh, Erm, w-w-well no of course not Mr. Jackson, it was strictly meant as a business opportunity. We just want to sponsor you! JACK With all do respect Mr. Gay-MR. GRAY Please, Mr. Gray. JACK Yea, whatever Gayboy. This here, (points to stomach) this is my gut, and it doesn’t sell out for anyone. You got that?! MR. GRAY Yes, but you understand that Adinos would pay you quite handsomely for your talents. JACK Well, Mr. Gay I just don’t know what toAt this moment, Mr. Gray opens the suitcase and flashes the money in Jack’s face.


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JACK (CONT’D) (Eyes opened wide and face lit up) But, I mean, of course everyone has their magic number...I’ll be happy to represent your team Mr. Gay. MR. GRAY It is Mr. GRAY! JACK Whatever. (Yanks briefcase of money from Mr. Gray) I’ll take that. MR. GRAY We will be in touch (hands his card to Jack) Goodbye, Mr. Jackson (offers hand) Jack offer his hand in return, but then pulls it away at the last second. JACK Sucker! (Jack laughs) Mr. Gray, confused, heads to his limo and drives off. Jack looks down at the suitcase he still holds. He walks to his van and throws the suitcase in the front seat. He starts the car and looks over at the money; he can’t help but to open it once again. He stares at the cash for a bit and drives home. 5

INT. JACKS HOUSE - DAY

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One week later Jack meets his TRAINER. His trainer knocks on the front door. Jack gets up from his spot on the couch where he was playing video games. JACK Yea, I hear you knocking! Jack opens the door and finds himself staring at a man just about foot shorter than himself (5’4 / 140lbs.) he has a manly beard and a very sinewy frame. He is fairly pale and when he speaks he has a German Accent. JACK (CONT’D) What do you want you little fart?


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PETER (german accent) (agitatedly) My name is PETER and I am your new trainer. JACK What the hell do I need a trainer for? Buzz off short stuff! (begins to close door) At this insult, Peter drops the bags he is holding, jumps up, and puts Jack in a headlock twisting and pulling his nostrils. PETER (german accent)(cockily) What do you think about that, eh? Who is taller now? Say uncle! JACK (in pain) UNCLE UNCLE! Peter lets go of Jack. Peter is glowing with victory JACK (CONT’D) Alright, but I’m not going to stop calling you little man... Peter shifts suddenly and Jack flinches JACK (CONT’D) Okay, okay, I’ll call you Peter! (lets Peter in and closes the door behind him) ...You are a surprisingly feisty man! 6

INT. JACKS HOUSE(MONTAGE 1) - DAY The Montage Over the next few weeks, Jack is trained by Peter. In addition to eating, Peter makes Jack workout daily. This scene is a montage of Jack binge eating, jogging, intensely working out, and building discipline.

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EXT. JACKS FRONT PORCH - NIGHT Before training, Jack was naive about the serious challenge of competitive eating, but Peter teaches him the skills of binge eating and he becomes great. Now, Jack and Peter sit on the front porch and talk of life the night before Jack’s first competition. JACK Peter, where did you learn all of this stuff? PETER Well Jack, I picked my skills up here and there, some from the motherland, and then some from my glory days... (reminiscing look in eyes) JACK Glory days? PETER Yes, the days where I was world eating champion...I was once had the biggest, baddest gut in all the land. JACK Well what happened? PETER Well... (hesitantly) I retired then...I decided to end on a good note. (sighs) JACK That’s awesome! Hey, you want a beer? I’m going to get one... PETER No thanks, Jack. Jack gets up and goes inside. Peter still sits in his chair on the porch. He wears a sad look on his face, a face of regret. PETER (CONT’D) (to himself) Good luck to you, Jack. You will need it in this sport.

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EXT. THE LOCAL FAIRGROUNDS BATHROOM - DAY

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We are at a local carnival, the location of Jack’s first competition. Jack is nervous. He paces about the bathroom. PETER Calm down, Jack, everything will be fine... JACK (shaky, frightened) It’s not going to be alright, I just found out I have to face Chad! Did you know he is the top recruit? PETER (calm) Yes JACK (exasperated) Are you serious? Why wouldn’t you tell me? I am already putting a lot of pressure on myself! PETER Get a hold of yourself (slaps Jack) Jack comes to his senses JACK Ouch man! That really hurt! PETER That’s a good boy, pain does the body good! JACK You are a crazy man! PETER Thank you! (evil laugh) Now, stay here while I go find you something to calm your mind before this contest...we have to have you performing in all aspects! Peter leaves the bathroom. Jack goes to the sink and looks at himself in the mirror and is hit with an incredible idea. He runs to his van and locks himself inside.


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INT. JACKS VAN - DAY

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Jack jumps in the back of the van where there is an accumulation of food wrappers and junk. He begins rifling through the garbage and finds a small baggy of marijuana. JACK (jubilantly) Score! I should get the munchies in no time! Jack tokes up his new found scraps and then gets out of the van. Smoke billows from the back doors as he exits. Jack stumbles back to the competition. 10

EXT. EATING COMPETITION (FAIRGROUNDS) - DAY

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It is a sunny day and there are HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE gathered around. We see Jack take to the stage early, his sense of time is blurred. Peter comes back with some pills (to calm Jack). PETER (loud whisper) JACK WHAT ARE YOU DOING, (Waves Jack down from stage) GET DOWN FROM THERE! IT ISN’T TIME TO START YET! JACK Sir yes sir! (giggles) Jack stumbles off stage, the spectators looking at him in puzzlement. He finally exits stage and Peter grabs him by the ear. PETER What did you go and do?! JACK (giggling) I don’t know what you are talking about small stuff! Peter, with Jack still by the ear, flips Jack over onto his back and smacks Jack. Jack comes back to his senses. Jack still pinned to the ground. JACK (CONT’D) OUCH! That’s the second time today!


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PETER TELL ME! JACK Don’t worry Peter, I got it all under control! Now, I figured that hey, why not secure my victory with a little help AND at the same time, calm me down? (Laughs and pats Peter on the shoulder) Now am I a genius or what? No need to worry, I got this! Peter is glaring at Jack, now knowing what he did. His anger is so intense, he cannot reply to anything Jack says. His face turns red and veins pop out. The RING ANNOUNCER calls Jack’s name. JACK (CONT’D) Alright Pete, I got to go, wish me luck! Jack runs up to the stage and trips on the last step. The crowd laughs. Jack gets up and plays it off as if nothing happened and takes his spot on the stage next to CHAD and the OTHER CONTESTANTS. JACK (out of breath) Good luck guys CHAD *I* should be the one wishing *you* luck! Jack looks over at Chad, not knowing what he did to deserve such a comment. The horn to begin rings, and Jack jumps in fright. He begins to eat, the munchies have set in. Jack gets ahead of everyone else, but when he hits 50 hot dogs he vomits. JACK (gargling puke noise) Ah! Why me? Jack vomits on all the other contestants. The women in the crowd cringe and the children begin to cry. Jack flails his arms about, knocking a table off the stage which in turn puts a halt to the competition. Jack tumbles off stage with the table and kicks over several stage lights.


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JACK (CONT’D) (screams obnoxiously, agony) Everyone watches as Jack thrashes about in his sickly tantrum. When he runs out of steam he drops on the ground unconscious. Peter runs to Jack. PETER MEDIC! Isn’t anyone a doctor here? We end the scene with Peter at Jacks side. Jack lays on the ground still. Jacks fit has started a fire (broken stage lights). In the background we see confusion, and we hear screams and shouts of mass panic. 11

INT. JACKS ROOM- DAY

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Jack wakes up in his bed, dazed and confused to what happened. Peter stands over him. JACK Oh man, what happened? PETER You went into a rage after you vomited all over the contestants. JACK Oh... PETER That is just the half of it...after you passed out, Chad pulled your stash out of your pocket and showed it to the judges. JACK (jumps out of bed) That son-of-a-bitch! I’ll kick his ass! PETER Don’t even bother, its not his fault you were banned, after all he didn’t use banned substances... JACK Well, whats going to happen to me now? PETER You’ve been banned from the MTE for a year and you have lost your


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PETER sponsorship from Adinos...Dammit Jack are you happy with what you’ve done? JACK W-w-well, I, uh...wait, why do you have your suitcases with you? At this moment, Jack realizes what is happening. He is awestruck. Peter puts on his hat, as if about to leave forever. PETER (sighs) I am sorry, Jack. I must go home. I have enjoyed training you, I just wish you would have made better choices. Peter, grabs his stuff and walks out of the room. Jack attempts to run after him, but makes little progress due to his injuries sustained from the fall off the stage. JACK (hobbling) Peter, wait! Peter shuts the door on Jack and leaves in a taxi cab. 12

INT. JACKS HOUSE - DAY

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Jack falls into a drug/alcohol fueled rage. He doesn’t leave his house for months. He quickly accumulates empty pizza boxes in his living room, and he spends most of his time smoking pot and laying on his couch. He begins to develop a scruffy beard and his skin turns pale. One day, laying on the couch in his own filth, a MAILMAN knocks on his door. JACK Go away! I don’t want your god damned bibles! Now get out of here or I will come and kick your ass! MAILMAN Um, sorry sir, but I am not trying to sell you any bibles...I just have an overseas letter that I need you to sign for. Jack gets up of the couch, and heads towards his front door.


12. JACK Oh, well why didn’t you tell me that. MAILMAN Well, you didn’t give me a chance... Jack opens his front door. JACK Save it, Jackass. Jack grabs the clipboard the Mailman hold and signs it. The mailman hands him the letter. And Jack slams the door before the mailman can say anything else. Jack walks to his couch and rips the letter open, it is a letter addressed to him from Peter. Jack reads it aloud JACK (CONT’D) Dear Jack, by the time you read this I will have passed. I have been struck by a series of heart attacks, and my body is weak. The doctors say that all the years of eating wore down my heart; they say I have a week to live. Alas, before I die, I just wanted to let you know that you remind me a lot of my self at your age. Cocky, rambunctious, and ready for any challenge. Know that I am proud of you. You are perhaps the most magnificent eater that I have ever seen, and I’ll be damned if I let that go to waste. As a dying man’s wish, Jack, please pick up the competition one last time. Best regards for an inspiring athlete, Peter. PS-Beat Chad’s Ass Jack closes the letter and we see tears roll out of his eyes. He gets up from the couch and walks to his bathroom and shaves off his beard. 13

INT. JACKS HOUSE (MONTAGE 2) - DAY

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The montage (2) For the next 4 months (the last 4 months of his suspension) Jack trains harder than he ever has, he begins eating massive amounts of food and running for 10 mile periods. His body reaches its absolute peak. Once he has finished his training, he tests himself in a competition.


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INT. LOCAL SCHOOL BASEMENT HALLWAY - DAY Jack attends the Jr. Eating Olympics. He arrives at the school and immediately begins to hit on the KIDS’ MOTHERS. JACK Hey pretty lady, if you were a sandwich, I’d name you McSexy! MOM 1 Gross you pig! The MOM 1 slaps Jack and kicks him in the crotch, he falls on the ground. As he slowly gets up, the woman storms off. JACK Guess she didn’t want none of this (gestures at his penis) Jack sees MOM 2 as she walks past him. Jack turns about, walking backwards, to stare at her butt. JACK (CONT’D) What is up with all the fine mamacitas? (howls like wolf) As Jack gawks, he walks backwards into a SHORT PUDGY BOY with red hair and a buzz cut. The boy’s over sized T-shirt reads ’get in my belly’. PUDGE BOY Watch where you’re goin’ idiot! JACK (surprised by language) What did you say to me little boy? PUDGE BOY I *said* watch where you’re walkin’ or I’ll beat you down! JACK Hey, now listen here you little pudge, I don’t want to, but I’ll whip your ass right here! The Pudge Boy kicks Jack in the knee and Jack falls to the ground in pain. The boy kicks him in the gut once more. PUDGE BOY What a loser! (laughs and points)

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The boy walks off as Jack writhes on the ground. JACK I’ll get you, you little shit! Once again Jack pulls himself off the ground. He winces in pain. JACK *Sweet lord*, that kid has a boot! Jack hobbles off to find the registration. 15

INT. LOCAL SCHOOL CLASSROOM - DAY

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Jack arrives to the registration and walks up to the desk. The REGISTRATION LADY he talks to is quite dumb. REGISTRATION LADY Name and age please. JACK Jack Jackson...I’m twelve, um...er...I have a disease. Jack looks at the lady as if she were to kick him out for his falsifying age. REGISTRATION LADY (creepy nice tone) Well of course, that is completely understandable little fella! We will have you signed up in no time! JACK Really? Uh, well thanks lady. REGISTRATION LADY Oh no need to thank me! Just remember your number is 52. Okay take care then! Jack reports to the contestants room, the Pudge Boy sits in the corner. Jack approaches him, but is interrupted as they call the CONTESTANTS to begin the competition. They line up and file onto the stage, Jack is placed next to Pudge Boy. JACK You are going down you fat little turd.


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PUDGE BOY Blow me, douchebag! (Jumps at Jack) Jack flinches. The horn to start begins and the competition is on. Jack defeats the children. He throws his hands up and shoves a hot dog in the Pudge Boy’s mouth.


Eat Me (Revised 1)(Unfinished)