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In troduction to the In troduction Myth and Legend, Lo re and Tale What we know of the mind is that it is a bus y thing. We have made it so. Synap ses orchestrate the whims of what would seem to be a single thou ght or a simple act, yet in realit y hundreds and thousan ds of actions are at play each with the next and all with the goal of fulfilling that want or desire. If you interru pt the chain, chaos ensues. A stor y is hardl y differen t. Lette rs, sentences, paragraphs and pages, all ready to play their part within the mind. Alas, without context, without order, letters and pages incomprehensible the y remain. So we order things to understand them, or better, to make sense of them. If we trul y can “make” sense of things. It would be better to realize how it is we sense and the reasons we proclaim for doing so. But without an ordered mind ready to understand the order of things, perhaps making sense is quite quo. As far back into our collective histories as we can reach, we find that minds have always been bus y and that the y have always found ways to order the chaos that surroun ds them. From the ancient Sumer ians and their pantheo n of deities to the eastern Taoists, from the abori ginal north island burial mounds to the quakin g moments of colonial settlers, legend and lore have followed them all. And it is good to say “followed,” knowin g that man and his kind may not have been first to any one of these small points in space and time. It could be that the y were the onl y creatures so preoccu pied with self that the y alone cared to leave a record.

Lore is the collection things known as passed in stor y. Stories are things told. Things told are meant to be heard. We record what we wish others to know when our fault y selves will cease. We preserve our place, howeve r fleetingl y in the element of time b y travelin g with it, no longer bound b y the frailt y of a mortal frame. So, then, we become the stor y, the tale; passing a mere sketch of our existen ce into the hands of hopeful caretakers who often desire our tale more than we ourselves once had. To our tale is added the wei ght of their telling. A new tint. A new color. A new place. A new breath. By transcending time and space we climb to greater hei ghts and sink to lower depths. We become the myth. We become the legend. A hairsbreadth of distance separates a myth and a histor y. It often depend s entirel y upon the person selling the wares. What is myth to one mind may be lifeblood to another. And may it be known that, aside from the minds we embody, it is onl y us who can account for us. After our bodies fade, who will live to confirm the realit y of life once so vibrantl y flutter ing on this, our temporal plane? Who is left to take and care for our stories as we would have wished, if we had wished at all?

Who indeed. As we pass, so shall they. Legends grow. Truth remains.

Introdu ction

Many years ago I set forth upon a journe y to discover what I, with growing realization, considered a marvel of the world. A subject written upon countless times but without a proper sum to sate my curiosit y. No text to date nor translation of ancient h ymn had brou ght to li ght what I knew to be the truth concerning this most important of matters. My mind wracked and reeling from tempestuous ni ghts and feverish days set me on the edge of many a cliff. I would not let my temple rot. The myster y would not best what countless moments of solitude in meditation had wrou ght within me. A new creature I had become. How the earth shook beneath my gaze! Humilit y left me as an autumn leaf leaves its brethren, without thou ght or care on the winds of an unsettled breeze. I set my affairs in order. I packed for long travels over vast continents both in and out of the mind. I steeled body and soul, leaving no weakness, no pain. Having donned my cloak, staff in hand, I stepped out onto my front porch where I saw the rain dri pping li ghtl y from the heavens. I paused at the beaut y and wonder of the moment. Then I stepped back inside, closed the door and laid on the sofa for a nap. It was breez y too. Rain and wind, who wants to step out into that? Thus, I awoke from my slumber and, having onl y a few moments left before needing to settle in to a full ni ght's rest [naps will do that to you ever y time] I decided to pen some thou ghts about creatures I have met. o fits of hierarchies or ghastl y oneu psmanshi pper y. N o N r. orde ar icul part any in ed list not are t The creatures presented herein Yes. Pu r posefull y. Oh, not that the y wouldn' . ping flap p li ess usel y full pose pur of e dron narcolep s y indu ced b y the mon oton ous ll broo m closet, the chairs are imaginar y and sma a is room the t, Ye gs. thin g bi g kin thin like that, sitting a bi g room in bi g chairs because he looked at me funny the othe r ers flow s y' ill B on rain t ldn' wou I d, clou see, while most the thou ghts are thin gs like, “If I was a rain ... oh look at those lovel y cheese samples.� Yo u and one y t pret the m I' ers? flow ing hav off is man ifest day. Where does he get these creatures surv ive on the acrid sten ch that air, and k drin and food like gs thin nt orta imp creatures surv ive on a diet of much like tupperware; not the good stuf f thou gh, are le] icab appl [if ds min eir Th s. enes war una onl y in an env iron men t of total self use it was mic ro waved for too long or it sat too beca om bott the on ble bub ed shap d weir a s e' the stuf f whe re the lid alm ost fits and ther that burner and now the smell is filling the on tea e mad just d you' that ot forg and ch lun close to a burner while you were pack ing you r you. In side the min d[s] exi sts onl y at get to ting star y l real s it' use beca st kfa for brea . kitchen and you wish you hadn't eaten so much the back seat of an old car on a hot summer day in left is d sala egg of bit a n whe ens happ t what can be desc ribed as wha g. , the y are with great realit y living and thrivin iful fanc and us erio myst seem y the gh thou for Carr y these words with you, dear reader, man icu red leg hair~. Take heed! Fall not y full care r thei and es gaz yed e doer thei These torr id creatures may even tempt you with and beco me as the y have beco me. pre y, lest you be trapped as the y are trapped or may ~Depen ding upo n the season, said creature may

not have leg hair, or legs.

Creature Index Bahrthreelde Woestix P l l op S' Poophen Constance Smiter the Proud S uelfedg e


task. That's reIf you give a Bahrthreelde a task it may or may not accomplish said ied neithe r b y itself all y not what matte rs. What matte rs is that the Bahrthreelde, satisf of tu g o' war with or its surro undin gs, onl y accomplishes what it trul y can; a simple game the confin es of its its own inabilit y. The dange r spreads when the Bahrthreelde leaves y barbs are lobbed own dissatisfaction for the suppo sedl y greene r pastu res of another. Sill tude, making a mess witho ut aim and the resulting playin g field becomes littered with inepti of what was once, possibl y, a decen t place to have a quiet lunch. Said greener pastures of another may be actual greener pastures [that have now become onl y a sli ghtl y li ghter shade of tannish-yellow due to said recent arrival] or the y may be pastures of the mind. Regardless, once the Bahrthreelde sur prises itself with the revelation that there is no remaining fauna to wilt with remarks about its slow rate of growth or how, in spite of its own lack of abilit y to be fauna it intuitivel y knows that to live on the other side of the pasture would be much better, proceed s to produce a garden spade, chop the fauna’s roots and plant it on the other side of the pasture where it soon expires, the Bahrthreelde begins its retreat to a former abode. The ensuing exit dance has been

described b y social anthropolo gists and pharmaceutics sales representatives as a nearl y perfect h ybridization of moderatel y motivated sleep walking and the personal response to six hornet stings to the armpit. Which armpit, precisel y, is a matter of continuing debate.

To spot a Bahrthreelde in the wild, simpl y step outside to where any number of objects may be. You will most likel y find the creatu re engaged in a co y game of wits where [it] preten ds the object of interest is not satisfactor il y existing and proceeds to admo nish it for not being either better or worse than what it is. Task or no task, a Bahrthreelde preten ds be yond reason that it is capable... of something. What the y are most capable of, sadl y [or plaintivel y if you ask them] is being a Bahrthreelde.

Woesti x

brow. Thunder rolls across a darkened sky. Sweat pours from a disparaged of the dire Hands tremo r. Skirts ruffle~. All in the wake of the onslau ght Wo estix. Addressed in an ancient conve rsatio nal haiku:

“What is it, Edgar?” “The sun has quit, now we die.” “It yet shines. Please leave.”

No matter the variet y of Woestix [some smell of cranberr y jell y spiced with fear and indi gestion while others look like consti pated Meerkats] distress must be hurled. It is a form of currenc y. Where no duress exists, the Woestix has nothing with which to pay, and therefore is argumentativel y impoverished. Note the striking difference between impoverished and sterile. Attempting to sterilize a Woestix is to take one's sanit y in his own hands, place it in a blender and press “puree.� Grumble and rumble as the y may, the Woestix thunders and rolls against itself. To spot a Woestix in the wild, simpl y imagine a situation that is less than optimal and the Woestix will appear, running in circles with flailing hands raised towards the skies.

~A skirt is an article of clothing a bed wears.

P l l op

A P l l op’s name is as odd to pronounce as the manner in which it lives is to understand. Some pronunciations include: pyop, pee-op, pie-hop, preestop, hwooeeo-knop, ps yflop, red 7, feedlot, and Stewart III of Tellingham. The most striking characteristic of a Pllop is the exaggerated disproportion between the amount of work it does and the amount that it actuall y accomplishes. Strikingl y so. In fact the properl y stated ratio is: Large Mountain Range to Miniature Thimble Full of Sadness. This has most likel y been expressed as an advanced al gebraic equation at some point in histor y, thou gh none remain who even remotel y care about it. Hundreds of years ago, perhaps even several dozens of years ago, it was a well documented fact that the P l l op would

spend most of its entire day getting ready for the day. This generall y involved: waking; thinking about “importa nt” things that needed to be done; making lists about the aforemen tioned “important” things; re-organizing the list; copying the list in quadraplet; mailing several copies to itself; phoning [or si gnaling in a hitherto and unknown archaic fashion] several members of its hive to let them know the y had made a list of ver y “important” things that needed to be accompli shed that day; making toast poorl y; retrievin g the incorrectl y metered envelopes from the mailbox; re-mailin g the lists with correct postage; making new toast because the old toast got cold; going to sleep for the winter. To spot a P l l op in the wild, look for somethin g that needs to be done. Often, [if it is not bus y with its lists or winter slumber] the P l l op will be standing nearb y talking about how long it will take to accompli sh the thing that needs to be done. Following talking, it will make a list, mail the list, si gnal another P l l op and tell them about the list and the thing, make toast poorl y, and then fall asleep without ever reall y doing anything.

S' Poophen

Many years ago, when man first discovered the jo y of cooking meat over an open flame, he discovered the timel y consequence of hot cinders preci pitating the combustion of his hair. The meat was well seasoned. Possibl y with a bit of course ground black pepper, sea salt and some Greek oregano. Of course, if the meat is poultr y, a li ght sprinkling of rosemar y topped with butter and tart apples. A side dish is nice as well. With the red meat, deep greens always compliment the palette, along with a moderate amount of starches. So his hair cau ght on fire and this made him run around yelling lots of things that were probabl y impolite and grammaticall y shaky. Because the

idea of “stop, drop and roll� had not yet been invented, male pattern baldness became a hereditar y trait. Splotch y baldness, like pop art splatter painting from the previous centur y – the kind that sells for a cool million dollars but was probabl y somebody's pet ocelot ti pping over cans of paint in the middle of the ni ght because it didn't get the t y pe of treat it wanted. [Poultr y flavored instead of red meat flavored]

ses y word s an d phra k a sh y ll ca ti a er gramm Poophen. Aft n g impolite an d ' li S el y e d th n u of ro er a rk g e ct ma R unn in phen in its n ativ pain is a distin oo se P n ' te S in e of th se of n tion with the p rete co n d s of obse rva Poophen are n ever in ju red se 37 d n a es d a ec cl u sion: S' in n co n earl y three d g in ow ll fo e warran t mistakes in g in th ld ed lt ou w su t re a t th en rt m any so istak en v iron g actu al pain of that the y are semi-del u sion al, m in er ff su y e th ed rther n or are arch has co n cl ud of a m ost extreme n atu re. Fu se re er h rt u F ose in g grammar. situ ation s fo r th l mistake anyth il ce w a pl en ph on oo m m P co ' d the S n ormal an both to an d fro ed that, thou gh d om u fr cl n gs co in s n n ha ru h rc ed y craz fu rther resea or grammar an d g in s po n tan eo u s co mb u stio n, the po g n ti n a rr a w sultin fo r so methin g n all y co n cl uded fi place fin all y re s d n ha a h y rc a od se b re to rther cau sin g harm u rther fu rther fu F h. tc a w to n are awfull y fu deed, sill y. that the y are, in en in the wild. ph oo P ' S a t po ces to s vel great distan a tr to d ee n o n T here is

The y are an invasive species now inhabiting most corners of the world.


Three hundred years ago the famed spelunker Archibald Carnassus Le 'Deut happened upon a most startling discovering – a freshl y painted fresco on the wall of his favorite bistro detailing a long-necked, squat bodied creature sitting at a desk. Or it may have been a credenza. The y are ver y similar.

Now, more than 300 years later, the descenden t of Le 'Deut, a Mr. John, Whi pperbean has made as nearl y as startling disco ver y regarding the squat bodied creature featu red in the fresco. Chiefl y, it look s just like his aunt Matilda. Sur e the clothing look s diffe rent, but it could have been the li ght it was pain ted in. Even the exqu isite detail in the lack of facia l expression. The way the hand s look as if the y had at one poin t in time held a great deal of desire but have remained stationar y for ni gh the creature’s entire life. The way it favo red trun cated sentences. The liken ess is strik ing. Odd l y, aunt Matilda neve r comes out of her sewing room, requiring of others such item s as intr usio n and invasion of privac y in attempts to disco ver whether or not she is still breathing. Some ph ysici sts have expressed a grea t interest in stud ying both the pain ting and the aunt Matilda for the pur pose of establishing paramete rs for human time travel. While a bold venture, the search may be in vain. Fo r, if one look s closel y, he would realize that not onl y are the y one and the same , but also that the Matilda creature has not moved an inch in the past three hundred years. Society has merel y build around her.

If asked, a Constance such as fresco Matilda would quietl y state that, “this is how it's always been done.” What a grand explanator y response for the longevit y and overall survival of such a seemingl y useless creature; one that moves neither back or forth. No pro gress made. No ground lost.

d imat are ill-shap ed an th gs in th r fo ok lo d, a in the wil able chan ce that it is on as To spot a Constan ce re a is e er th d, s thin g is fo un stan ce. If it shriek on C e th m obile. If su ch a e ov m to pt m ubl y su re, atte liatio n fo r a po ssible ta re in ~ Constan ce. To be do fa so ur yo the cu shio ns on d a Constan ce. in te rror an d slashes un fo ve ha u yo , ld or w l, small up settin g of its smal

~Due to an atrophied vascular system caused b y centuries on motionless existence, the sofa would have to be ver y close at hand. Otherwise, the Constance will fall over sideways and faint from overexertion. This will leave an unsi ghtl y mark upon flooring or lawn.

Smite r the Pro u


a so rdid breed ed v li ce on go A paid n o heed Tilted n ostr il s, in d s ck in side their m ru st d n a e w A ght of self div in e ou th d n a k in th h Wit made of time y e th e d ra pa d n A gra in g in the brin e nn ru g, in lk a W in the m u rk Of sati sfactio n r own work Of belief in thei

y work at all It wasn't reall st the to rr id fall B u t gain amid heed less haste d n a t gh u ha of T he su m ght of waste. ei w e th , te a ol es D

A more lovel y verse was has rarel y been inscribed upon the stoneware potter y of a b ygone civilization. Thi s, however, was inscribed upon a ver y thin creatu re's outer thi gh, presu mabl y b y the hands of some other creatu re just as preocc upied with skin and ink as the other. Both were the partic ularl y fiendi sh variet y of creatu re known as a Smiter. The y are nearl y blind and are completel y deaf. Tho u ght extin ct b y many a culin ar y expert, recent evidence from some remote Pacific island in the contin ental Midwest has hown that the y are ver y much alive.

As the verse is wise to point out, the y are quick to make a grand parade of self. Such parades are onl y made grander b y the fact that the aforementioned blindness and deafness results in quite a menagerie of misdirection, bumpings in to and fallings of over. The y are rarel y allowed to carr y scissors. To spot a Smiter the Proud in the wild look for a traces of potential scattered alongside the edge of a walking path. The nearb y foot prints will become deeper with each new deposit of potential [evidence as assumed b y some to be the beginnings of a fabled Smiter's March to Oblivion] culminating in the final eschewing of reason and sound advice heaped up in a pile along with the Smiter's poorl y tailored clothing and a tiny si gn directing somebody else to pick up after it, for it has become much too important for menial things.


“iagreiluvewebarem'k in� [Ancient Suelfedg e field chant] A Suelfedg e is one of the most abominable creatures imaginable. Thou gh able to think for themselves at younger ages, the y willfull y attach themselves to any organism imaginable via an intricate set of tubes generated b y various parts of their bodies in an attempt to survive existence without exerting any amount of personal effort. Attempts to communicate with a Suelfedg e without its s ymbiont are fruitless as the y are inclined to speak throu gh the s ymbiont or to not speak at all. Indeed, be yond old recordings of younger Suelfedg e voices, no recordings exist. Sadl y, and due to hormone injection in a Suelfedges dietar y staple of braerckenspats, maturit y occurs at quite a young age with preliminar y tubing forming in the larval stage.

Do not attempt to spot a Suelfed g e in the wild. Do not attempt to make any form of contact with a Suelfed g e. If, for any reaso n, a Suelfed g e attaches one or more of its tubes to your perso n, do not pull or attempt to run away. Stand perfectl y still and make no soun ds whatsoeve r. Lo ok the Suelfed g e directl y in the e ye~ with an expressio n of utter disappoin tmen t. The gaze will cause the Suelfed g e to secon d-gu ess its pur pose, thereb y loosening its tubular gri p and allowing for

the oppo rtun it y to run from the now escap e. A word of extreme caution! If you do not take t for an advanced train ing exercise loosened Suelfed g e, it will mistake your disappoin tmen re-attach permanen tl y to the nearest and believe it is doin g exception all y well. It will then Exp erts su ggest carr ying a small object with the hi ghest internall y regulated temp eratu re. comb ustio n engin e with oneself at all times. been foun d during numerou s ~Good luck finding the e ye. Many “false� e yes have yet to be disco vered. False e yes may autopsies, but actu al e yes or photo sensitive receptors have pmen t or the drap es you purchased last resemble various pieces of man uall y operated office equi s, the floor ing. fall. If not the drap es, then the blind s. If not the blind

Gremebahro n

Long ago, witches had cauldrons. Sometimes the y were reall y bi g [the cauldrons] and the witches would throw in odd assortments of things that fit rather well. Throu gh much stor y we have come to know of “e ye of newt” and “hair of wartho g” as ingredients in these strange brews. Rest assured that the y are merel y fanciful characterizations of the actual ingredients and that the y taste much better than what was normall y used. The Gremebahron is a produ ct of one of several failed exper imental conco ctions that were stored on a shelf to gethe r durin g an other wise pleas ant afternoon in the month of what is comm onl y called November. And b y combined, do not read that the y were mixed to gethe r. The y were put on the shelf in separate jars for a reaso n. Bu t becau se the y were not rende red inert and used as garden sprin klings and becau se one contained much too much maple s yrup and becau se the y were thou ght harmless the y decided to hold a vote. The vote, as best we can recount, went something like this:

Jar 1: “Phhlllllbbbtttt!” Jar 2: “I second the motion.” Jar 9: “Commotion? What train am I on?” Jar 2: “I second the train!” Jar 2: “I second the train again and I love maple s yrup.” Jar 1: “Flaaaargeeessptt!!” Jar 2: “Yes!” Jar 9: “I wanted eggs.” Jar 1: “Raaaaarggh.” Jar 2: “Yes. Yes! You must lead us. You see the lands be yond!” Jar 9: “And ham.” Jar 2: “Guide us. Move us. Be our completion and devotion.” Jar 9: “And jell y.” Jar 2: “You must take us to the hi ghest hei ghts as onl y you can.” Jar 9: “Where’s the bathroom?” Jar 1: “Gromgromgromgromgromgrom.” Jar 2: “And so it shall be! The vote is cast and our future is bound!” That is the record of how Jar 1 became the first Gremebahron . The remaining jars were eithe r asleep or had already been spilled upon the floor .

A Gremebahron, thou gh its princi pal ingredients are unknown, consists of amor phousl y disproportionate amounts of: Possible abilit y / Desire to gutteralize long strings of abstract phonemes / Imitation desire to listen [from extract] Off-brand cou gh s yrup / Dye 2 / Pol yester / 3 bags of spoiled dreams / The abilit y to spawn moreGremebahrons. Additional curious descri ptions regarding the construct of the Gremebahron need not be mentioned. It should be enou gh to know that the y were things not meant to happen but happened anyway. Some of them smell a bit like a newt’s e ye.

Glossar y of terms Alphabetize – what you do to make words more orderl y Non-alphabetic – what has been done to the terms in this glossar y Glossar y – a list of things you i gnore until you can’t find something you’re tr ying to remember Term – a thing you can’t remember that’s probabl y in a glossar y somewhere Myth – Unverifiable accounts of the events of existence [thou gh not necessaril y untrue] held in strong belief b y many or few Legend – A narrative of facts or fi gures passed down throu gh many generations, often becoming accepted as true Lore – The body of knowledge on a given subject Tale – A stor y meant to inform, no matter how fanciful Sate – To satisf y or fill Hymn – Poem set to song. There’s probabl y a better definition somewhere. Not to be confused with, “him,” whoever he is Woe – A state of being in ill in one’s omen Sofa – A cush y thing good for naps Hair – striated masses of dead cells upon which we put things like eucal y ptus oil and avocado for a “better shine” Egg – The product of any number of living creatures that produces live young after a given period of incubation. Also something scrambled over heat. Also something boiled until hard, diced, slathered with mayonnaise and left on the back seat of an old car on a hot summer day Complete – What this glossar y is not Grammar – The useful putting to gether of words and phrases so that the y read sensibl y. Not that the y read themselves. That would involve some sort of textual anthropomor phism or machines gaining sentience and storming our homes. Fi ght! Be the revolution against our computer overlords! Abilit y – what some creatures lack in spite of their declarations to the contrar y Edgar – An ancient Woestix who was told to leave Season – A period of time either literal or fi gurative Tannish-yellow – Depending upon the visual context, a ver y un pleasant color Greek – A term descri ptive of ph ysical ori gin, collegiate pledge group or financial insecurit y German – A term descri ptive of attempting to fix “Greek” Fauna – Plants and things Ocelot – A wild feline twice the size of an average housecat with neat looking fur and rounded ears which would look more intimidating if the y had point y ear hair List – A collection of things often found in row and column form that are onl y useful if the y can be deci phered and used [see “Abilit y”]

And – The word “and” Expression – An outward display of inner goings on Le 'Deut – A sill y name Credenza – Something like a desk but with a longer name Spawn – See “Egg” Phoneme – A portion of a mor pheme Grom – A phoneme ~-~ Tube – A hollow device throu gh which things move in either direction Cauldron – A ver y large or bi g metal cup Chant – A gathering of mor phemes that are put to gether in chant form Gaze – What you do when you look at something for an inappropriatel y long season. Garden – A place where things grow. Loosened – A de-ti ghtening of something Wild[e] – The end result of something being too loosened Combustion – What happens when some things get too hot Scissors – The product of an experiment involving two knives. “Scissors” is not plural. Like bu ying a pair of jeans or underwear. It’s not like you can bu y a jean or a single underwear. It should be “Scissor,” but that’s a verb. “Jean” is still a noun, or an adjective describing a t y pe of outerwear. But not underwear. Tsk! We can’t do that, now can we? Vascular – Of or pertaining to the vessels or ducts that conve y fluids It – A noun Parade – What used to be held in honor of excellence but is commonl y an exaggerated gesture placed in the middle of a lovel y holiday. Parades are closel y related to “Standing Ovations” in their misapplication Lawn – Often a carefull y manicured collection of fauna that nobody is supposed to walk on Comma – Something easil y confused with an M Dash M Dash – Something easil y confused with a Semicolon Semicolon – Something easil y confused with a Comma Capitalization – The process of making something more important than it probabl y should be Proud – A word describing an often permanent state of existence eventuall y leading to a state of woe

Bestiariam Munustolidus  

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