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(here are the deepest thoughts that nobody knows)

Here are happy, confusing thoughts planted in me when I fell flat on my face, as you opened the doors and you came running really fast, straight for my heart. Upon series of sleepless nights I have decided that life was not worth living. I prayed for my heart to stay untouched, kept it fixed just like how God kept the planets and stars fixed on their respective orbits till gravity soon pull them, and with the loss of control they were sent falling to an abyss nobody has ever heard of. But my heart was rooted down the Earth and I kept my eyes on the road, I have set my directions and paths until you came and deliberately changed them. I never knew this feeling could grow or spread than any soul or mind could hide. And that was when I realized it was not worth hiding anymore. So I let it out of me, I let it waver like the ocean, reflecting the gleaming skies for you.


Nowhere

The stars were strangers, Each I yearned to get to know, I hope to find you out of the million Perhaps you’ll gaze down below.

If I dive down the ocean,

To look for you in the deep, Will you come along with me, Or resume to a long sleep.

In the Garden of Eden, The apples bore as bright as a warning,

I went straight for one, Soon I was sent falling.

I look for love everywhere, Through the stars, ocean and the heavens, Hoping to find you, Perhaps you are nowhere in love,


Man of My Dreams

The man of my dreams, I breathe him on papers, In complete anonymity, I bring him to life, Through dark pencil strokes.

Our love is prudent, But a distinct being, We loved what felt like forever, A nonexistent ethereal.

For the man of my dreams. Was never really a man,

No definite he or she, As I loved what was forever-the idea of loving More than I can love a man himself.


Platonic Love

She was the verdant when it’s autumn, Impassive, but seemed to be also watching, Craven with the loudest thoughts, Tenebrous, yet so beautiful, She was a sister I never had, That my extreme angst of the inevitable, Shall teeter,

To a complete ignorance.

Friendship is never compelling, Therefore I guess I’m in love,

No lust not sexual attraction, She is my one and only Best friend.


In The Shower

The mirror was my only lover,

Only when I shall reveal my real self, Skin shed,

Naked.


Supernovas

To cry, Is to let go Dry winter rain Heavy snow

To scream,

Is to lay out All repressed feelings Pain or sorrow

Like a supernova I explode Both screaming and crying

My eyeballs ignite Till it finally dims In the waning moonlight


Hold Me

Come, Let your touch lull me to sleep,

Rainy afternoons is when I think of you, Curtains drawn,

We watch our wildest thoughts begun, You and me,

Falling into this unmade bed of sea.


Lazy Days

Today is blue and hazy, I feel unexpressive. My relentless thoughts Are trapped within reach. I cannot breathe. I fail to decipher Poetry and the simplest things I used to find beautiful. Today I feel like most people Today I am not myself I am this girl An ordinary girl


Walking by the nature

Lonely gray skiesRaindrops fall, Like snow. It’s a depressing weather

A depressing show. Somehow the littlest things Holds the biggest meanings

Like ants crawling up Up and down the trees Like birds soaring high And melodious hymns all through the skies I wonder what it feels like

To feel another kind of alive.


In denial

Love is anything but real. It is like a phase revolving around us, like the moon illuminating different shapes through the limelight. Love changes forms. Like you and me, perhaps we love to eradicate each other’s loneliness. Perhaps you might think that you loved me as I was your first. Someday you will fathom what love finally is. What do you know of me? Are you thinking of my mind? Love is all things improbable. It is like a cough syrup. Sip it down when you’re sick and needy but sipping too much can take you to places, down and under. If you are here, in my heart yet why do I feel so alone? If you are here, whispering your thoughts on me why do I still feel unloved and unrequited?

Why is my mind against my heart? My heart is the beating source of my being and my mind belongs to the rest of the world. My mind is reality and my heart was a dream. A dream filled with all things embedded in my mind when I was happy and lustful. A dream I keep so close to my heart that my mind could not reach and awaken what has been luring me to sleep. And as I was dreaming, I was falling. Falling into mere oblivion. When my mind tells me to grab a rope to pull myself back up, to jump away from you, yet I still feel that loving you was the closest to being human. Perhaps I loved you with my heart and not my mind.


When I Got Myself Away from Everyfucking One

Alone at last, Alone by peace,

Alone in silence Alone with me


More than this

More than words More than my mind can ever concede

More than the enormity of what I felt More than an avalanche of sweet poetry

More than this I loved you More than this


Only If We Had Microscopic Vision If people were people Puppets would be puppets If nature had a heart Then so will the moon

And everything else beyond An excuse for a sad naked eye.

If raindrops were tears, The sky has always been sad

Looking down on a bunch of shit That has been going around And also the blame that Has taken a toll on-

Politics Self -appointed leaders Parents and our sole educators

Sometimes even on ourselves Where the blame shall appoint By a sheer noose tied around the neck

Still I wonder

If there are so much more beyond A sad excuse for a naked eye.


Thinking about You

I swear it was love As every morning I think of losing the least I have on my existence

I swear it was friendship As I had slowly cut myself open To become the pages of an open book Raw and unfiltered

I swear it was stars

As gazing upon the night sky had only made me dizzier Fallen madly Into a subliminal dream

I swear it was heartbeats For one step closer has only led me further From an unspoken dream

To an inconceivable reality

I swear it was lust, As you turn all bitterness to sweet And thawed all ice to rain Dripping down under my sheets

And I swear, I swear it was love For every now and then I think of it

I think of you


It was Raining

Raindrops will just be raindrops Not a gentle tune of a harp Raindrops will just‌. Pitter and patter,

The rain will be a cold, miserable gray The stillness will just be still,

An echo will just be an echo, A distant memory, unlike a calling

The languid sound on an unknown step Will just be a part of

another folk tale Another yesterday Same goes for tomorrowThat is my life without you.


Desserts

I am picturing a soft, buttery cake One that melts in my mouth As I sink my teeth into Its warm cinnamon tasting flesh And as I held it at the back of my tongue

Slowly I began to feel a little tingly And as I swallowed it whole I tasted the sugary sweet icing

Poised and crept down on my taste buds As I closed my eyes Down my throat goes in The rainbow sprinkles that Has purged me to a nomadic point of Madness and pleasure And a heavy burst of excitement and relief I remembered how the sugar had left me hungry And seemingly had a salty aftertaste I remembered how I was fed upon desserts That I was soon left with a huge pile Of sugary, salty and dirty mess


“Locked Out of Heaven�

If heaven had doors,

You would stand by the gates The pavement will be made out of your footsteps.

The gentle morning hymn of The little birds chirping is tuned To your heartbeat

If hell had gates

I would be the key For it is I who would lock myself down In my true place of belonging I could hear your footsteps Your heartbeats

I can hear you, I just cannot reach you.


November 10

When I was younger, birthdays were always special. I felt like the most special and happy little girl. My father would have wished me first and gave me the most adorable presents. Color pencils, coloring books and story books, stickers and stationeries, things I was very fond of as a child. As a child, my life has never been so complete. My childhood was the highlight of my recollection throughout my 18 years of life. I was happy. Happy of being of oblivious with what I have been through. To move around states and houses would be an adventure for myself, to not have many friends to come over never did bother me for a second. My best friend was my sister. Birthdays was always what I have awaited for as I will finally possess something new and rewarding. We will have parties, my family will come over and they would all celebrate how much I have grown and aged. My parents were the best. If God had a way of showing his kindness and love, he had already did so by gifting my parents as the sole gift of my life. Today my birthday felt discernible from what I have experienced before. I celebrated today with recollections and memories of my childhood. Though I may not have it revived I was still able to lie down and to think of how much these memories had made me. I had happy birthdays, sad birthdays but today I’ll have both.


When I cry myself to sleep

Long were the hopeless nights where all hopelessness and despondency come to wake

where fortitude and relentlessness fall back to sleep where I lay beneath the remoteness of the tenebrous nights where lost, undriven thoughts whisper words of sorrow.

Those nights were the nights I lay still, incarnating a visual representation of loneliness and silence at the back of my unfathomable mind. Those are times when my heart aches like no other, begging for my aching soul to relinquish the innermost resentment I have suppressed for myself. Those are little painful moments when I disregard my existence and my inadvertent ways of never failing to disappoint and to dishearten. I am the most spiteful, most hateful breathing entity on Earth. The most hypocritical yet the most self- contradicting person. What does it take to love and to cherish an inconspicuous being I am. I hate being the object to insurmountable judgements and cold eyes. Forgive me for being this dumb, ugly and disapproving. God , really I am just a girl. There is no value to my worth. Kill me now and I will soon be forgotten. My ambitions of being wise and intelligent is to no avail. I have no meaning. No open doors to serve my purpose here. I am of no use. Now, let me cry.


Another night

Most nights I lay alone Cold, somehow humid and a little wet I think of you Memories of you stashed In my innermost psyche

Another night Without you

Will be another nightTonight.


The kind of poetry I know

A ghost A transition A faรงade An aimless floating spirit

Invisible Cast away by an abysmal Sense of loneliness

A vast sea An open bay A safe land Beautiful Yet deserted Cast away by insurmountable sadness

Why are the best poems melancholic Perhaps the best poets are


Somebody I am Not

I do not want to be a girl Of unspoken words And all so depressing thoughts I never wanted to be anyone Of a tremulous voice Or another boring excuse For a sad poet

I do not want to be Anyone of fucked up misinterpretations And unruly connotations

I do not want to be heard of Seen or known I want to be like a cloud

Visible from time to time That when I cryI make flowers bloom And apples grow


Meetings

My love You came to my window When all stars somehow went missing And the heavy clouds Float aimlessly upon The blind sky

My best friend

You picked me up From dusty old shelves A strange, peculiar faรงade you see Yet you choose to read me through On my daysYellow and blue

My soulmate A long promise to hold, You spare a second forever The minute hand holds. All black fades to gray When we love though we age

My love, My love, My love.


Honestly

Nobody gives a fuck


Have you ever

Have you ever felt So lost So incomplete

That what was supposed to enlighten you Felt distant, alien

I am feeling An inconceivable sense Of emptiness My eyes caved in My heart, hollowed All of my insides that made me whole Was scooped out

Until all that was left Is a wide, empty space That

Soon my emptiness will consume The least I have for a heart The very little promise of my being, The most I had lived Has never felt the mostNothing.


Boring old love letters

Dear sunshine Dear love Dear sweetheart, Of all the words That could make me happy

The one that rhymes to your name Would last my broken smile an eternity

If forever stops now,

Then forever will be my later, Unlike you With or without you, You shall be My now My then My after


PMS

Don’t mess with me When I cry or bleed

A bitch I become A witch of my whim


Golden Sand Dunes

A poor girl A poor family A poor country An infinestimal grain of dust amongGolden sand dunes Insignificant Poor


Sometimes I Have No Idea Who I Am

It is like Every other day I am a different person

Today I’m in love More than yesterday Tomorrow I’ll be fully Indebted to my solitude

Today, Tomorrow Then Now The past The future

I’ll wait for days to come In my own skin But through the eyes of an unknown stranger


Well reserved

Though I write so much on papers

I have written more in my mind


A manuscript  
A manuscript  

art and writing by afi

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