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Out & About

Letter from the Editor

Web Reviews


The Funny Pages

Erotic Story


Local Legal Expertise

Lone Star Lovely



Director’s Chair

DVD Reviews

Guide to Adult Entertainment in Houston................................................ 10 Facts VS Fiction.................................................................................... 14 Houston’s Adult Rumor Mill...................................................................22 A Better Show....................................................................................... 24 A Clean Slate for 2013?.......................................................................26 The Men’s Club Houston’s 23rd Anniversary Party.................................30 The In’s & Out’s Of Pornland.................................................................38 FOR AD RATES CALL 281-780-1758

Finding the Web’s Naughtiest Sites........................................................42 Something To Tickle Your Funny Bone....................................................44 We’ve aligned the stars just for you.......................................................46 Mioko of Glamour Girls..........................................................................48 Check Out What’s In Store For You........................................................52 This Month’s Hot Choices......................................................................54

Dave Cummings Last Column

The Final From The Trenches................................................................ 36

Submissions will not be returned unless requested and accompanied by a S.A.S.E. Adult Quest reserves the right to revise any accepted material to fit editorial guidelines. Submission implies the work is original. Those submitting bear the responsibility of any copyright infringement. The products and services available herein are also not to be purchased by minors. The articles and editorials are meant for entertainment purposes only, and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Gray Entertainment Service, LLC, it’s affiliates and/or subsidiaries. This publisher in no way offers any recommendation, endorsement or guarantees of any kind in regard to any service, product or person advertised or mentioned within. Therefore Adult Quest and it’s publishers may not be held liable or responsible in any way for any actions ensuing from advertising. For questions or comments on this publication please don’t hesitate to write us at: 5722 Fairdale Lane, Houston, Texas 77057. Adult Quest and the original typeface creation and logo configuration are copyrighted representations of the Adult Quest trademark owned by Gray Entertainment Service, LLC. On July 27, 2006 President Bush signed into law the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act of 2006 (HR 4472). The series of acts within the bill are targeted to protect children from harm and exploitation. Elements of the new law also expand the types of images that require performers to provide government mandated documentation. Historically Adult Quest has chosen to not publish adult content that would be subject to these record-keeping requirements. However, the new expanded definition of adult content does cover some types of images that we allowed, specifically those which included genitals or pubic areas, even if blurred. We sincerely appreciate your understanding as we comply with the requirements of the new laws.


Miss March 2012 Lisa Licious at Glamour Girls.....................................40 · January 2013


Copyright 2013 © No part of this publication may be reproduced without the written permission of its publishers. The Adult Quest logo design, was created by, is copyrighted and is the property of Gray Entertainment Service, LLC. Adult Quest Trademark is owned by Gray Entertainment Service, LLC. The publishers reserve the right to refuse any advertisement for any reason including, but not limited to, content or design with no further responsibility than a refund of any payments made. The publishers assume no responsibility for errors and/or omissions, or inability to publish due to mistake or any other reason caused or suffered by themselves or their subcontractors. Such an occurance will not constitute a breach of any contract and the publisher will be liable for only the price of the ad space and may at their option run a “make good” ad of the same size in a subsequent issue. No right to discount or credit will be given. The advertiser is solely responsible for ad content and photos and/or art work submitted for their advertisement and shall indemnify and hold harmless the publisher from photos or art work run in their ad due to copyright or trademark infringement, lack of proper releases, slander, libel, unfair trade practices etc. The advertiser also assures and takes full responsibility for keeping all records as to the age and identity of all models in submitted photos as required by law and proving that all models are 18 years old or older.

Send questions, comments & submissions to: Gray Entertainment Service, LLC 5722 Fairdale Lane · Houston, TX 77057

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BOOK & VIDEO STORES 24 Hour Video & DVD 12745 East Frwy (Exit Normandy) 713-445-8670 DT 24 Hour Video 176 N. Sam Houston Pkwy East 281-445-7727 BJ’s 24 Hour News 6314 Gulf Frwy 713-454-0340 Cupid 5305 Easthampton Dr. 281-219-7999 Executive Video 14002 Northwest Frwy (US 290) 713-462-5100 Fantasy Adult Bookstore 8120 Steadman 713-674-3805 Intrigue 9374 Richmond 713-244-2787 Pinemont Video 7700 Pinemont Suite F 713-460-8745 smoke alley 4602 Dacoma St. 713-688-0600 Talk of the Town DVD Stores 8226 Gulf Freeway 713-644-8140 10550 Gulf Freeway 713-941-8447 4121 N. Freeway 713-697-0542 12310 Hempstead 713-462-7424 9906 Eastex 713-692-6403

studios 7th Star Spa 2647 Winrock 281-974-5386 emerald spa 2235 Richmond Ave. 713-572-5618 envy 2637 Winrock 713-277-8782 Golden Times 3824 S. Dairy Ashford 281-589-7911 h bath house 7609 Broadview Dr 713-649-6025 j.c. spa 2900 Hillcroft 713-339-3303 mayflowers 9331 Gulf Freeway 713-947-0766 Moon Spa 5114 1960 West 281-587-0883 mystique spa 10800 W. Bellfort Ave. 281-575-7223


new heaven 8314 Gulf Freeway oak spa 9544 Richmond Ave. 832-859-4088 Oasis Relaxation 1319 FM 1960 West @ Ella 281-580-8808 oriental bath house 8022 Almeda-Genoa 713-991-5995 oriental bath house south 10150 Almeda-Genoa - Suite H 713-944-4499 pink 730 Highway 6 South 281-531-8668 star bath house 7506 Park Place Blvd. 713-645-3333 v.i.p. spa 6318 Gulf Freeway 713-643-8881 zaz spa 2029 Mangum 713-688-0944

clothing boutiques Adam & eve 17531 Hwy 249 281-469-0619 25701 I-45 North, Exit 73 281-298-0069 Boogie’s Boutique 3303 Sage 713-629-7900 Bizarre Bazaar 12344 Gulf Frwy 713-944-1957 6306 Fairbanks N Houston Suite 500 713-462-4555 9441 FM 1960 Bypass Rd Humble, TX 281-318-7638 7110 FM 1960 East 281-812-0696 3403 W. FM 1960 #C 281-843-1776 920 S. Mason Rd • Suite A 281-395-4747 10602 FM 1960 281-477-0885 7127 Spencer Hwy • Suite 150 281-478-9900 1401 Spring-Cypress Rd 281-288-4700 Bizarre Times 5727 Richmond Ave Across from Sam’s Boat 713-334-2021 8261 Richmond #N 713-532-9990 8726 Richmond 832-767-0331 8615 Westheimer 713-954-7121

Cindie’s 1641 Westheimer 713-528-6016 25915 I-45 N #C 281-367-3331 120 W 1st St. 281-970-0969 7903 Westheimer 713-266-8665 3507 S. Shepherd 713-522-9339 821 FM 1960 W 281-397-0731 4303 Hwy 6 N. 281-463-6234 1629 Hwy 249 281-897-9246 18165 Gulf Frwy 281-486-1000 Erotic Cabaret Boutique 1222 Westheimer 713-528-4565 Eros 1207 1207 Spencer 713-944-6010 High Times 6881 S. Gessner @ Bellaire 713-777-1783 Love Works 25170 I-45 North 281-292-0070 Yandy Promo Code: QuestTX Zone D’ Erotica 19211 Hwy 45 & Cypresswood 281-528-7861 2626 W. Loop South 713-960-1762 22401 Loop 494, Suite 650 281-358-2720 131376 Willowchase Dr 281-970-4980 821 I-45 North Conroe 936-539-6607

male dance (for women only) La Bare 6447 Richmond Ave 713-780-0930

clubs Babe’s Cabaret 5614 Hillcroft 713-781-3675 Centerfolds 6166 Richmond 713-952-0799 chicas locas Michael’s International 6440 Southwest Frwy 713-784-5900 Chics Cabaret 10255 East Freeway 713-670-8438 Club Desyre 6920 Fairbanks N. Houston 832-439-0755 · January 2013

Club Onyx 3113 Bering Dr 713-785-0444 Cover girls 10310 West Little York 713-937-7772 crazy horse houston 5608 N. Shepherd Dr Diamond Club - Richmond 3136 Richmond Ave. 713-528-8116 eclipse 6821 South Gessner 713-771-7777 Fantasy North 8503 N. Frwy 281-999-6833 G Cabaret 9009 Airport Blvd. 713-910-3953 832-588-7726 glamour girls 14428 Hempstead Hwy. 713-462-1700 Gold Cup 12747 NW Frwy 713-460-0171 Hottyz Latino Cafe & Sports Bar 9870 Westpark 713-787-0081 Houston Dolls 313 Rankin Rd 281-443-1819 Joy of Houston 11242 FM 529 713-538-9200 la chatte 13335 Duluth 713-455-4424 Legends 6333 Richmond 713-784-6333 Legs Cabaret 8307 Gulf Freeway 713-242-6555 lust men’s club 9924 North Freeway 281-272-LUST Moments on the Southside 5133 Spencer Hwy · Pasadena 281-487-1962 The Men’s Club 3303 Sage 713-629-7900 Moulin Cabaret 8930 Winkler 713-910-4300 oceans cabaret 1244 Gulf Freeway 409-938-1515 the palace 9301 Bissonnet 713-774-8200 Playmates 9605 SW Frwy 713-778-1440 Pleasures 11150 NW Freeway 713-686-3401

privilege 6430 Westheimer Rd 713-364-1220 Rick’s North 410 N. Sam Houston Prwy 281-999-7891 The Ritz houston 10520 Gulf Frwy 713-944-6445 sinfully young 8926 Gulf Freeway 713-941-9600 Showpalace 1411 Spencer Hwy 713-943-2990 Solid Platinum 2732 West TC Jester @ 610 713-680-1414 Splendor 7440 W. Greens Rd 281-477-3000 sunset strip 2425 Mangum Rd. 713-680-3500­ Treasures 5647 Westheimer 713-629-6200 vegas men’s club 1925 HWY 6 South 281-531-7900 Scores 9850 Westpark 713-266-6560

Misc. Services adult cakes by kim 713-320-3454 adult SMS texts 1-866-451-2622 Bunny Ranch 1-888-BUNNYRANCH custom motor sports 13326 Westheimer #C 281-741-0600 Greco & Associates, PC 8100 Washington Ave., Suite 250 713-972-1100 Greg’s Mobile Entertainment 281-772-3948 iron city gym 15922 Cypress N. Houston 281-213-2851 KCISS Guys: Girls: mega mates dating 713-229-9900 rookies sports bar 305-B Sawdust Rd 281-362-9610 safari sun screen printing 1-866-339-7291 Wine her dine her liquor 5410 Almeda Rd. 713-807-0054

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the matter is, there are stupid people everywhere else too. In all reality, there are a lot of great business minds in this industry. Some of these women open their own businesses, invest money in the stock market, and actually try to improve their lives. Just take a look at Jenna Jameson.

Adult Quest Magazine

4. These girls do nothing but waste their money on the stupidest of things. Please refer back to #3. LOL!

Office: 713-785-8684

5. All these girl do is support their unemployed boyfriends. As funny as it sounds, I have met some of these girls too. But I have also met girls outside the industry that have the exact same issue. Funny thing is, I can’t find a single one of these girls, whether in the business or outside the business, that will support me. Damn it!!!

As we begin 2013, I thought this would be a good time to clear the air of a lot of misconceptions about the adult industry. So I hope this article sheds a little light on what you think, as compared to what the actual truth is, about the business. 1. Adult clubs exploit and degrade women. Really? How is it that this the popular belief? Women are given the spotlight, put on stage, and made the center of attention. How is this degrading? A woman comfortable enough with her looks, to go onstage by herself and disrobe for all to see, to me that is a confident woman. And what man does not like a confident woman? As far as exploitation, I understand how this can get twisted in the view of people. Yes, these clubs make a lot of money, but so do these women that are confident enough to go on stage and perform every night. So both parties benefit, and from what I see, most businesses make money off “exploiting” everything else the same way. I mean, aren’t your children being exploited by candy and toy commercials, because they show these commercials during peak times when kids watch TV? Hmmm, think about it. 2. People in the adult industry are all drug addicts. Are you serious? LOL!!! Drugs are something that effect everyone, and every business. Problem being, main stream media will only focus on the adult industry, in order to keep it fresh in everyone’s mind. Fact of the matter is, drugs affect everyone, in all businesses and walks of life. So please take note, and open your eyes. This is definitely not just an adult industry problem. 3. All women in the adult industry are stupid. LOL!!! Ok this one is sometimes really hard to argue, but the fact of


6. The only thing the adult industry cares about is itself. You could not be more wrong with this one. There is a ton of people in the adult industry with huge hearts. There are cancer survivors, church goers, and animal lovers in the adult business. Some are the least judgmental and most caring people you will ever meet. They volunteer at local hospitals, soup kitchens, and animal shelters, even donate their own money to charitable causes. The saddest thing is, they have to do it in silence. Reason being, is that people are so shallow, ignorant, and judgmental that they will refuse help from anyone in the adult industry. 7. All the women in the adult industry are nothing more than prostitutes. Truth of the matter is that there are some. Are they all? No, absolutely not. Just like my parents used to tell me, don’t let a few bad apples ruin the barrel. There are some that do socalled “extras”, but not all, not even most. What’s funny, is that when someone does the same thing, but doesn’t work in the adult industry, she is called a gold digger. So let’s make sure I have this right: Adult Industry Female = Prostitute, NonIndustry Female sleeping with a man for money/jewelry = Gold Digger. Intelligent society we have here, huh?

Houston 5722 Fairdale Lane Houston, Texas 77057

Advertisement Sales: 281-780-1758 Owned by Gray Entertainment Service, LLC Publisher Walter Gray Editor Mitch Murphy Advertising Sales Dezifab Ramos Mitch Murphy Art & Design Director Heath Stillwell Contributing Writers Dave Cummings Art Koch Paul Allen Jeffery Greco Misha Moré Distributors Gray Entertainment Service, LLC

8. The Mayan Calendar has ended and we are all dead. Enough said. LOL! Hopefully you will read this and it will open your eyes just a bit, that people in the adult industry are just people. They have the same fears, expectations, and joys as everyone. They are just normal people trying to make a living. So do us all a favor, get off your high horse, put down your gavel, and try to educate yourself rather than being so quick to judge. When we stop letting fear and ignorance rule us, is when we start to rule our own life. · January 2013

Quest is published monthly. The Publisher assumes no financial responsibility for errors in ads beyond the cost of the space occupied by the error. A correction will be printed in the case of an error. The Publisher is not liable for any slandering of an individual, business or group. We mean no malice or criticism at any time. Advertisers agree to hold publishers harmless for failure to produce any issue as scheduled due to reasons beyond the Publishers control. Publisher is not liable for any promised or lack of fulfillment from advertisers. All advertisers are responsible for the content of their ads, and Publisher is held harmless from all suits, claims or loss of expenses. This includes, but is not limited to, suits for libel, plagiarism, copyright infringement and unauthorized use of person’s name or photograph. Publisher is not liable for advertisers’ coupons in any way and does not promote excessive consumption of alcoholic beverages. Due to the active nature of the adult entertainment business, there may be staff changes after deadline affecting availability of models depicted in ads. All models pictured are 18 years of age or older. Custodian of records is Mitch Murphy. Quest contains adult material and should not be distributed or sold to minors under the age of 18.

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Bizarre Bazaar Opens Two New Locations Head shop and boutique Bizarre Bazaar now has nine area locations for your shopping and smoking convenience. Their two new locations are located at 6306 Fairbanks North Houston in Suite 500 (off of 290) and at 9411 FM 1960 Bypass Road in Humble, Texas. Bizarre Bazaar is one of the Houston areas premier smoking accessory and adult novelties shopping centers specializing in items such as toxin removers, lingerie, gag gifts, body jewelry, DVDs, rolling supplies, dance wear and much more. Stop by a location near you and get that Valentine’s shopping for your someone special done a little early!

Save Money & Promote Your Business For a limited time only you can get $50.00 off of your first order from Safari Sun at www. when you mention their ad in this issue of Quest Magazine! They are one of the top sources for bar and nightclub apparel at affordable prices. Their line up of designs is amazing and they are also

available for custom jobs as well. Whether you call them at 1-866339-7291, visit their website at or find them on facebook, check them out and get your business’s name in front of more people by using the power of apparel and the word of mouth appeal that comes with it.

2013 Gentlemen’s Club Owners EXPO to Focus on MONEY “MONEY — Make More. Keep More. Learn How,” is the theme of the Annual Gentlemen’s Club Owners EXPO this coming August 20-22, 2013, at the luxurious Mandalay Bay Resort & Casino in Las Vegas. The 2013 show will mark the 21-Year Anniversary of the multi-billion-dollar adult nightclub industry’s only national convention and tradeshow. “Now that the elections are over and the economy is starting to slowly come back to life, we thought it was time to focus our Annual EXPO on the different ways that club owners can increase revenues, decrease expenses and maximize profits,” says Don Waitt, publisher of ED Club Bulletin, the producer of the EXPO. “EXPO 2013 will be about money, plain and simple.”

erotic gift cake. Chef Kim offers a wide variety of items and flavor combos to satisfy all tastes! So call 713-320-3454 and get your orders in early for Valentines Day!

What Happens In Vegas Vegas Men’s Club has promoted Eric Garcia from Day Manager up to General Manager, please stop by and congratulate Eric and tell him you read it in Quest! Also Vegas always has great deals to sweeten your trip like free steaks on Tuesday nights and an amazing Happy Hour everyday so don’t hesitate to stop by 1925 Highway 6 South and enjoy yourself.

Free Pool at The Palace Every Monday at The Palace is free pool night! Play all the pool you like while you enjoy $50 VIP Champagne bottle specials, $2.50 Domestic Beers and Wells during Happy Hour and all the sports you can handle on multiple big screen TVs! Ask management about The Palace’s free bachelor parties and manager’s specials and never forget the free buffet Monday through Friday from 11am to 2pm and from 4pm until 9pm.

Seeking Lone Star Lovelies

Make Your Valentine’s Day Special Adult Cakes by Kim is a sure fire place to get a unique valentine’s gift for that certain someone you want to surprise, so get over to and place your order early for a super sexy

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Are you a fine local woman who wants to show off her assets to the entire city? Do you know someone who does? Quest is seeking beautiful ladies, whether they be bartenders, waitstaff, dancers, etc. If you’re hot and want to flaunt what you’ve got, call us today at 281-780-1758 for details.

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he day was a Sunday in the late afternoon and my girlfriend wanted me to go with her and her family to the production of a play that her brother was in. Outside in the cold walking from the car to inside the build, ing everyone was bundled up and looked quite boring off however, once inside it was different. People took for their coats and I saw a bunch of people dressed up the event and I was taking in some glances. There were for two attractive girls in skirts handing out brochures the play. I looked at them both, you couldn’t go wrong and with either one, but I chose the one on the left and I took the brochure, smiled, said “Thank you” moved to my seat.

d much trouble Katie,” at the same time that I noticewe that we passed a Men’s Room. A little confused as passed the Men’s Room I must have muttered some me syllables of befuddlement because she turned to one and said, “That one’s broken, we need to use the down this hallway.”

girls On the way down to our seats I noticed two more handing out brochures a few rows down from where to our seats were. Since my girlfriend was talking at her family I got to look around and get a good lookthe the girls handing out the brochures. The one girl, and first that I noticed, was a brunette that was short got sweet. She seemed okay but the other girl really tall my attention. She was a blonde haired girl who was the and her skirt really showed off her legs. She was type of girl that you knew that you couldn’t turn down because she was that attractive. So, time goes on, I keep looking at her to save a menally tal image of her in my head for later and eventu I the play starts. Midway through the second half sneak out to go to the restroom. On my way there I see her again standing there talking to her friends who were all dressed in the same style. I had never been in this school before so I had no idea where the bathroom was so I looked around and must this have looked lost. The blonde girl took note of with and approached me and asked, “Can I help you something?” my About a million and one ideas quickly ran through go head about what she could help me with but I had to urinate really badly so I responded, “Oh, um, ah, yeah, I need a bathroom.” “Right this way,” she responded as she took my hand led and began to lead me down a side hallway. As she too me on I heard one her friends yell, “Don’t get into


She led me down a little further than we turned downit an abandoned hallway where the lights were off andI’d felt a little creepy but she was attractive so I figured t take it as it was a nice gesture of an attractive studen greeter showing me where I can relieve myself. Eventuin, ally we came upon a girl’s bathroom and she walked reasked the air if anybody was in there and with no sponse told me that it was clear and I can head inside. She then left and I was alone.

hard and out in the open. There was no turning at this moment.

and She took my fully erect member into her mouth The started to suck me off right there in the bathroom.than depravity of the place turned me on a bit more usual. I watched her bob up and down with her mouth oron my cock, the sucking sounds sounded like a fulleyes chestra of pleasure to my ears. I stared into her s as she went to town on my cock. After a few minute my of a full on aggressive suck session I began to feel I load building up. I decided not to tell her but insteadlife grabbed her head by the sides and held on for dear of as my load shot of in a fury of passion into the back it her throat. She choked a little but I held on and shot all into her mouth. She was good, she didn’t spill a drop.

out I went into one of the stalls and whipped my dick as I and began to piss. It was a long heavy piss and shut was going I thought I heard the door open and again but I really paid no mind to it. As I was finishwho ing I flushed the toilet and raced the water to see the would be done first. I won. I turn around and open stall door and standing in front of me was the blonde girl. She had opened her blouse a little and I saw sometits cleavage. At this point I was surprised because her ed. seemed larger than before. I was pleasantly surpris “Where do you think you’re going?” she asked me. “Me?” I replied, “I was just going to go back to my and enjoy the show.”


ded, “I’m putting on a better show in here,” she respon g “I know you want to be a part of it. I saw you gawkin at me before the play started.” “You saw that?” “It was quite obvious, you got me wet standing there,” eyes she responded as her eyes moved down from my to my crotch area, “let me see what you’ve got there.” I was growing in size and she could tell. She pushed and me back to the toilet. I knew what she wanted on she was right, I wanted her as well. She kissed me my the lips and ran her hand over my crotch through jeans. She then broke off the kiss, laughed a sexy laugh and and dropped to her knees. She reached behind me my lowered the toilet seat down and then opened upfully pants. I was like a flagpole at that moment, I was · January 2013


After I released myself of my seed I released the sides of of her head from my grip. She backed her head off to my cock and said, “Next time tell me you’re going it cum, and I would have braced myself. Maybe tookand on the face even.” She looked at me in the eyes “Oh, smiled, then looked back at my softening cock. still no you don’t,” she said to my shrinking member, “I need you hard.” She began stroking my cock and all the feelings in my cock were intense. She took my cock back into her mouth and started to suck it again. This girl was insatiable it seemed and I was done. Or so I thought. After a few more sucks I began to grow again and soon after I was fully erect again. A smile came to her face as she stopped and slyly said to me, “Now bend me over and fuck me like the slut I am!” I stood up, grabbed her by her hair and forced her to bend over the toilet. I took a second to admire those long legs and that tight ass then I lifted her skirt and saw no underwear. This girl wanted to fuck and came prepared for it. I put my cock up to her pussy and told her, “Put me inside your hole, slut.” She did as she was commanded. I grabbed her hips and she braced herself as I gave a hard, deep thrust. She grunted, I waited before slowly

her backing out of her until just my tip was inside of still. “Fuck me!” she screamed. five I did the same thing over and over again about times because I wanted to enjoy the feel of her surpris ingly tight cunt. Each time she’d yell the same thing. In the sixth thrust I began to pump into her harder re. and faster and she was moaning loudly in pleasuher The combination of her moans, the wetness of the hole, and how tight she was got me ready and I felt load of cum brewing. I gripped her hips tightly, leaving marks into her skin and told her, “I’m ready to cum. Where do you want the load?” “Right on my face.” She said. her We repositioned ourselves so that she was on last knees on the bathroom floor and I worked out the load few strokes with my hand. When I exploded my and shot all over her face. When I was done, she smiled thanked me. That is when I heard some giggles coming from the room. I looked around and I saw a camerar phone to the right, another from the left, and anothe from behind me. they “Good job Katie,” the girls with the phones said as got up close to her face with the camera phone that was still filming. “That cum looks great on your face. Oh, yeah, and welcome to the club.” The three girls with camera phones all left together as I stared at Katie in disbelief. “What the fuck was that?” I asked. “I just joined their club,” Katie responded, “And this was my initiation.” “What was?” I asked “You were,” she replied, “Well, your cum on my face was. Sorry, about using you, but give me your number and we can get together again.” I was still in disbelief, but figured, “What the fuck? Why not?”

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Happy New Year! If you are reading this, the Mayans were wrong. The world did not end. For many of us, this is a blessing to be able to start fresh in the New Year. A clean slate, if you will. However, for many people, this is hard to fathom. In fact, as I write this, news of the elementary school massacre in Connecticut just unfolded earlier today. For those families who have lost their precious kids, and for families who have lost loved ones to senseless tragedies in 2012, there is no “clean slate” in 2013. They are forced to endure the pain and suffering that this sudden loss of their loved ones due to what violence has caused. The road for them will be long and painful. Personally, it is difficult to listen to politicians who advocate for gun control, especially in times like this. I don’t feel safe anywhere, much less with my kids in public schools. The very places where they should absolutely be held safe and cared for. Sure, I know the argument bends both ways. If we had gun control, these mad men wouldn’t be able to shoot up a school full of kids. But do you really believe that? Do you really believe that the evil people in this world would have their plans thwarted because it was made a little more difficult to get their hands on a Bushmaster .223? As a criminal defense lawyer, I have yet to hear of a crime that was thwarted because


Issue a summons and give the guy a citation and let him be on his way.

the bad guy was not able to get his hands on the type of gun he was looking for. It doesn’t happen. Guns will always be available, usually for the people least needing them (i.e., the bad guys who use them to commit crimes). That is no more the answer to our country’s crime problem than the idea that keeping marijuana illegal will prevent many people from abusing it. The answer to our country’s problems is realizing that there are no answers. The sooner we accept that and try to operate in a less pro-police state, the sooner we may actually see a decrease in crime. Does that mean I am in favor of less police action? No. I am in favor of less police tactics to harass the poor and the common citizen minding his own business. Go out and investigate the unsolved rapes and murders of our citizens. Stop pedophiles before they victimize our kids. I could care less if you make 100’s of arrests of young people for being in possession of marijuana. Every officer that makes an arrest for misdemeanor marijuana charges is one less officer on the streets of our city protecting us from truly evil people who rape, rob, and murder our citizens. You don’t want to legalize it? Fine. · January 2013

Our society is evolving into more and more of a police state. They are talking about trying to get DWI checkpoints passed by lawmakers. Currently, Texas is one of the states that does NOT allow DWI checkpoints, and rightfully so. It is an unwarranted intrusion into our privacy and freedom from illegal searches and seizures. The year ahead of us will hopefully be a good year for you all. I hope that it brings you peace and prosperity. I hope you find yourself free of any entanglement with local or federal law enforcement. But understanding that, sometimes that kind of thing just happens; if it does I encourage you to call us at once. Don’t wait until the indictment is handed down. Call me at 713-972-1100 as soon as you learn you are being investigated for a crime. Wishing you and your family a safe and prosperous new year!

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It’s happened. There’s so little porn production these past couple of years that material for this monthly column has ebbed terribly. IMO, piracy is to blame. Rather than fight it any longer, this tired 72 year old porn star is making this the last “From The Trenches”. Herewith, It’s happening with this final column. I basically shut down Dave Cummings Productions a few years ago when it became evident to me that the pirates and down-loaders made it seemingly impossible to continue. I’ve tried to keep positive, but it’s now time for this column to wave the white flag, and for me to concentrate on performing for other companies whenever a booking comes along; sex will still be occasionally available to me via San Diego’s swinging community and groupie coeds, and the hope that the rest of the porn world can keep surviving so I might have some future booking/performing opportunities. Piracy has taken a heavy toll on many companies and personnel. It’s happened. Yes, my writing is terrible, but there have been times when I’ve felt like the column was still of some value to groups of readers, especially the porn fans in Texas who frequently told me that they liked the column. But, “From The Trenches” is dying from the pirates and other obstacles that the porn world is now faced with. It’s happened. I’ll keep up with porn news and happenings, and will comment from timeto-time via Internet boards and other outlets. But, herewith, the demise of “From The Trenches” has now happened. Thanks for reading past columns! As you might have noticed in the past, I frequently quote other columns. One of my favorites has been, and remains, “Sexual Intelligence”, written by Dr Marty Klein, Ph.D. Found at, the many top-notch articles in each month’s issue have topics that are so on target that I recommend you sign up for his newsletter. To give this month’s “From The Trenches” validity, below is one of the many fine reports in Marty’s most recent posting “Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, copyright © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (”; “Porn Industry Fights For Your Rights Even if you don’t watch porn—even if you think porn should be illegal—you still get the benefits of the porn industry’s fight to safeguard your freedoms as an American. And this goes way beyond your right to watch porn, to areas of privacy, capricious taxation, and elsewhere. Here’s the latest. Say you produce adult porn films for a living (go with me on this). You, the government, and society all agree that only adults should act in such films. And in fact, the adult film industry has an amazing record of accidentally employing almost no underage actors/actresses girls in the last 30 years—a far better record than the number of oil spills, crashes, or explosions in any other industry. So it’s illegal for underage people to act in adult films. No problem. The

36 · January 2013

government goes a step further, and requires age documentation of every participant in adult films. You must prove you’re an adult. No problem. One day you decide to make a film featuring only 50-year-olds. All participants must prove they’re adults, and they do. But the government has this law (called “2257”) about record-keeping, unique to the adult film industry. They can come into your office unannounced, with no warrant or even probable cause, asking for the IDs of the 50-year-olds in the film; if you don’t have them handy right there, you can be prosecuted and sent to jail. You can go to jail not because you have underage actors in your film, but because you can’t prove that three 50-year-olds are over 18. This law isn’t keeping underage talent out of films—because they haven’t been in commercial films to begin with. It’s simple harassment of a legal industry, which no other industry has to suffer. It’s an unconstitutional invasion of privacy—government agents coming into your premises unannounced not because they have a reasonable cause, but because the law allows them. So here’s the big news—the porn industry has challenged this law, the government asked the case to be dismissed, and a federal judge refused. In this case, the porn industry is protecting all Americans’ rights—to be, as the Fourth Amendment says, “secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures.” Here are just three other ways (there are many others) the porn industry protects your rights, whether you watch porn or not: • Fighting arbitrary zoning: Cities and counties around the country try to prevent adult bookstores from opening by inventing discriminatory zoning rules—which are also used to prevent swing clubs, education centers, and religious centers from opening. • Fighting taxes based on content: Several states now tax strip clubs more than other forms of live entertainment. If they can do this, they can levy extra taxes on any form of communication they want to discourage (such as violent video games or religious newspapers). • Fighting government agencies advancing a moral agenda: Even though there is no HIV problem in the adult film industry (you’re safer sleeping with a porn actress/actor than a stranger you meet in a bar), Los Angeles County plans to require condoms and dental dams on all porn shoots. If they can do this, they can supervise any legal activity of which they disapprove, such as fashion shows, church bake sales, and campus protests. So whether you watch porn or not, whether you think porn is evil or not— this holiday season, give thanks that, in addition to making films, porn producers are protecting your rights.” See, Marty Klein is one sharp, professional, and in-tune gentleman! Take care everyone; and, Happy New Year, Dave Cummings

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Threatened with Eviction, Mother and Daughter Duo Create Porn Together; Shrink calls it Emotional Incest A mother and daughter from Florida were recently stuck in a financial rut that had them thinking of ways to make money. The daughter then suggested they create porn together. According to the Daily Mail, The Sexxxtons, which includes mother Jessica Sexxxton and daughter Monica Sexxxton, have been creating porn videos for their website since last year. They also recently released a DVD. They were prompted to create and sell their own porn when Jessica’s family, which includes a younger son and daughter Monica, were about to be evicted from their home three years ago. At first, Monica worked as a bartender and dancer before she suggested to her mother that they give porn a try. It seemed like the perfect fit for Monica as she had “always been an exhibitionLarry Flynt and Hustler Not at AVN This Year Is Porn in trouble, or, is it at the AVN show? Super secret info.. Larry Flynt the godfather of porn says no to AVN. Hustler will not be appearing, and it will not be exhibiting at AVN. Hustler will not be advertizing at AVN and most importantly Hustler for the first time will not even be attending the awards show.

be “giant” with a capital “G,” the Hockey Mom Madam gave a distinctly mischievous laugh that portends bad news for the bigwig client. “Everyone’s going to have to watch Dr. Phil,” she said. “I will tell you that one of the names is high-level [NFL] management. Then there’s an older [football] player who’s still very well known. Tune in to Dr. Phil!” Gristina spoke yesterday after making a brief reappearance before Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan, the same judge who earlier this year set her bail at $2 million on a single count of promoting prostitution. But this time around, Merchan’s ruling was more favorable to Gristina — allowing the Scotland-born mother of four, over DA objections, to fly to Los Angeles next week so the Dr. Phil taping can go forward.

Remember the days when Larry Flynt would would sign at the Hustler booth and have thousands of people line up to be there? Guess Larry has other things to do what with the 33 million he just shelled out for a cable empire. Yeah, that must be it. Madam Set to Name NFL Biggie Notorious Upper East Side madam Anna Gristina is about to start naming names of highpower clients from her little black book — and an unlucky NFL executive will be the first bombshell name she lets fly, we’re told. “There is going to be a giant name dropped — actually, a couple of them,” Gristina told The Post’s Laura Italiano, speaking of her plans for an upcoming interview with TV host psychologist Dr. Phil. Asked if those names would

Last month, Gristina was sentenced to six months in jail followed by five years of probation. And she’s now in the midst of transferring the probation stint from New York City to closer to her home in upstate Monroe. She had been barred from leaving the city until her new, local probation officer was assigned. “I don’t see how anyone is harmed” by her traveling to LA, explained the judge, who might not have been aware of Gristina’s talking points on the upcoming Dr. Phil episode. The taping is scheduled for Wednesday or Thursday of next week, Gristina says, and should air about a week later — just in time for the holidays. Kimberly Kane: GIFs Are Better Than Porn I knew that X-rated GIFs had truly come of age when porn star Kimberly Kane tweeted earlier this week that they were “better than actual porn.” I’d heard similar proclamations from pornoisseur friends, but a celebrated adult performer calling it the pinnacle of smut? Now that is something. For those of you who are visiting the World Wide Web for the first time ever, a GIF is a static or animated, looped image that’s been

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ist” and “sex just oozed out” of her. “It was my idea. The money was part of the reason, but so was fun, and having sex with hot guys,” Monica, 22, explained. The mother-daughter duo do not actually touch each other during sex scenes due to legal reasons, but they usually have sex at the same time on camera and have the same sexual partners. A psychiatrist in Beverly Hills, Dr. Carole Lieberman, said the two are engaging in “emotional incest” because even if they are not having sex with one another, it is “titillating to one or both of them.” Jessica admitted that they had a threesome with one of her boyfriends. “We were talking about sex and it happened. We all had a good time,” Jessica said. While the two believe they will eventually make a lot of money from the porn, adult film historian Bill Margold said it is unlikely they will. “The adult industry is not that stupid. They have enough problems without creating on-camera incest.”

compressed for quick loading. The rest of you have probably come across your fair share of GIFs showing dramatic reactions, catly shenanigans, dancing politicians or Ryan Gosling doing any number of things. Most GIFs are meant for laughs, but, increasingly, they’re being designed to tickle a different bone. Nowadays, you can find porn sites that consist of a seemingly neverending wall of GIFs, sometimes with high-quality motionless photos thrown in the mix. Just as with the glut of image-driven Tumblr blogs devoted to sexy still photos, these sites curate a particular aesthetic, sometimes focusing on a specific sex act. These sites, many of them Tumblrs, are the artisinal version of the ubiquitous tube site (although, there are certainly GIF-porn tube sites, as well). And they are multiplying like rabbits on a GIF-loop. Steve Hirsch: L.A.’s New Law Puts The Con in Condom Steve Hirsch from Measure B passed on November 6th, and Los Angeles voters made it mandatory that performers wear condoms while shooting adult movies. But in reality, the voters were conned and nobody’s any safer; not the performers and certainly not the taxpayers. First of all, it’s not just condoms that are now mandatory on adult sets. Actors may now be required to wear a virtual hazmat suit goggles, gloves, lab coats, dental dams and facial protective gear? Movie sets will look more like a hospital ER. This is sex, not surgery!

also opens the door to harassing civil lawsuits by any industry opponent. This means that any selfappointed morality “monitor” who feels that a studio has not lived up to the letter of Measure B can file suit and claim monetary damages. AHF, the sponsor of the bill, carefully hid everything but the condom part when arguing for passage of Measure B. And they misled voters when they argued that the cost of inspections would be paid for by permit fees charged to the studios before shooting a sex scene. Because adult films simply won’t be shot in Los Angeles County anymore. Virtually every major adult studio is actively planning their out-of-town shooting strategy. What’s more, according to County officials, LA taxpayers will have to pay $582,000 over a two year period just to construct a plan for implementing the law. That’s right, not to actually implement it, but to figure out how to implement it. As we plan our shoots outside the county, we can’t help but feel for the estimated 10,000 professionals whose jobs will also leave the state, an unintended consequence well beyond the loss of fees, permits and income to L.A. The adult industry and The Free Speech Coalition are already preparing to challenge the new law in court, and we are confident that we will win. But we could also lose; and if we do, we will most definitely leave the state. But win or lose, taxpayer money will be spent defending this lawsuit, and taxpayer money will also pay to prosecute the next suit... the one that will surely come from AHF if we win.

The penalties are hard to imagine. Violators are subject to up to six months in prison for each infraction. If there’s more than one infraction on one set, years of imprisonment could be levied over a single movie.

And all of this for what purpose? The adult industry doesn’t have a sexually transmitted disease problem in the first place. In fact, our industry has an amazingly good health record -- far better than the general public -- because we test rigorously and frequently.

As if this wasn’t draconian enough, the new law

Sometimes the best of intentions yield the

worst of results. This will likely be the legacy of Measure B: a misguided case for condoms that deserves only condemnation. Another Lawsuit in the Making? Spice Girls Parodied in Juicy Film

THE Spice Girls are at the centre of a porn storm – after raunchy body doubles posed as the five pop legends in a hard-core film. Posh, Ginger, Baby, Scary and Sporty romp with bodyguards, music business execs and even each other in the X-rated flick. Veteran porn director Jordan Septo hired look-a-like porn stars to play the singers in OMG...It’s the Spice Girls Parody. Redhead Dani Jensen takes on Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell while Allie Haze embodies Posh Spice Victoria Beckham. Sweet-faced Baby Spice Emma B is played by Jessie Rogers with Misty Stone appearing as Scary Spice Mel B and Dani Daniels as Sporty Spice Mel C. The hardcore film, scheduled for release next month, may anger the real superstar stunners and could even result in legal action against porn studio bosses. But a spokesman for blue movie distributor Juicy Entertainment said they hope the real Spice Girls would enjoy the film – and even offered to send free copies to them. “It’s just a bit of cheeky fun,” he said. “We hope the Spice Girls will see the funny side.” Philly’s Last Porn Palace Closed for Good If you were looking to catch a little XXX entertainment after work in Philly, hopefully you weren’t planning on going to The Forum, the seedy adult cinema (is there any other kind?) that I chronicled in “The Last Porn Palace“, an article that appeared in the November 2007

issue of Philadelphia magazine. No word on when it closed or why, but The Forum is — at least currently — not open for business. According to city real estate records, the building has not been sold. Its owners were cited in October for doing interior structural work without the appropriate permit, says an L&I spokesperson, and an online L&I report indicates that the first floor seating had been removed. Longtime Forum operator Anthony Trombetta did not immediately return a call seeking comment. I can only imagine that the residents of the Murano condominiums across the street are praying that The Forum has closed for good. Holly Hanna Nominated for 2013 XBIZ Web Babe of the Year When Holly Hanna turned 18 she began doing webcam shows for One of her favorite tricks was deep throating a dildo being force fed to her by a fuck machine. Another is riding the stick shift in her Corvette. But answering the door naked for the pizza guy with a dildo shoved up her ass brought her instant notoriety and internet fame. A year later she began working on her website which launched in 2011. Her site has seen its membership swell in the past few months. Her most recent additions include sizzling scenes with two of her favorite girls – Lexi Belle and Sammie Rose. She is also getting ready to upload her first ever on camera boy girl scene! That’s why it’s no surprise to her ever growing fan base that XBIZ recently nominated her for their Web Babe of the Year. “I think what’s worked for me in the past is being completely hands on,” the flirty blonde teases with a wink. “I do everything myself, including creating all the titles on my website. So far I’ve been my own product, sales, webmaster, director, CEO, and publicist.”

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DDF Busty is another great site from Denys De Francesco. You just have to hear the names of some of the chicks on this site to know that you’re going to see some massive tits on some incredibly beautiful women. You’ll find Anna Song, Aria Giovanni, Anita Blond and Ashley Robbins. There are 215 models on DDFBusty and the members’ area is easy enough to navigate. Some of the older videos don’t look quite as good as the newer ones and are only available in a series of clips, but these days you can get your hands on some spectacular-looking and full-length flicks. In fact, newer vids often come in two high-def formats. There’s also the option to stream each video in Flash.

ally produced. The content, for the most part, is softcore posing, but you will get to see several sets with hot lesbian action and a bunch of straight hardcore. Hopefully, the good people at DDF Busty will keep up with the frequent update schedule. With so much content waiting for you, I don’t know why you’d pass up this site. If you’re a boob lover, it’s definitely worth joining. If you want to pay around $10 more, you can get access to the DDF Network, which gets you 12 more sites, including Hands On Hardcore, Hot Are you tired of seeing flakey American babes having a good time on Legs And Feet and Only Blowjob.

camera? If you have started to realize that they all look the same and want something more exotic, then check out the massive collection of black, Latina, Asian, Indian and interracial movies available on Ethnic Pass.

The pictures can be viewed in small, medium or large sizes and the largest of the three are super high-res. It’s a real treat to see a busty beauty like Joanna Bliss in such great quality. Each of the sets is very profession-

Some hot chicks have their noses turned up so far that even guys with everything going for them would think they don’t stand a chance. On Aziani, however, the babes you are about to see are not only known pornstars, but they also share some intimate details about themselves, which brings them back down to Earth. If getting up close and personal with some of the hottest chicks in the industry sounds great, then this site might be the one for you. When I first arrived, I was obviously struck by just how sexy these hotties are. The second thing that grabbed my attention was just how welldesigned Aziani is. Everything looks clean and tidy and it’s easy to get around. You can even check out the “most viewed” and “top rated” scenes. I’m sure you’re hoping for some hot videos and I’m here to tell you that you’ll be getting them. In one vid I watched, the lovely Taylor Kurtis talks about her likes and dislikes, shows off her DD boobs and gets down and dirty


When it comes to movie sites, you usually pay a lot of money for the luxury of never having to go to the adult video store down the street. However, on this site, you will be pleasantly surprised with the huge collection that you get for a great price! Beyond the good-looking design of EthnicPass, you will also notice that this enormous movie database is well-organized and easy to navigate whether you are a new or returning user. with her sweet shaved pussy. When I saw the galleries, I thought the site would be all softcore stripping, posing and exposing. However, checking out the high-quality videos revealed that these babes are just dying to moan and cum while you watch. There are also plenty of toys and Sybian machines and even a few flicks with hardcore sex. Over a dozen bonus sites are included with a membership. Even though you get tons of content with the main site, these extras make signing up even more tempting, if that’s possible. · January 2013

To date, you will find more than 7,534 DVD titles translating into over 40,398 full-length scenes. You might think you’ll have trouble getting through all that porn during your time as a member and you’re probably right! The site is also adding a couple of DVDs a day, so be prepared to get an overload of porn. The main ethnic categories are along the top of the page (ebony, Asian, etc) and the rest of the movies are separated into categories on the left-hand side. These include lesbian, party girls, mature, hairy, handjob, fetish and cumshot. You can stream the movies in Flash and download them in four qualities of MP4, the highest of which gives you good-quality playback and one of which is designed for portable devices. The action is hardcore and you will be able to see it reasonably well. Watch scenes with your favorite type of ethnic beauties, some of whom need an interpreter because they can’t understand English! There are no photos here, but there are vid caps to go along with all the scenes. If photos are what you’re after, you’ll want to check out the “channels” section that shows you 324 scenes sampled from other network sites like Ebony Internal, Booty Studio, Black Feet Booty Street, Lesbian Sistas and Rap Video Auditions. Given the amount and the quality of the porn you’re getting access to, Ethnic Pass is one heck of a deal. If you don’t mind that most of the content is nonexclusive, you’ll more than get your money’s worth.

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Through Thick and Thin This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?” She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your breast is hanging out.” She looks down and says, “OMG! I left the baby on the bus!” Hunting

“I think you’re bad luck.....” Nude Beach A mother and father took their young son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and he asked her why. She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad. His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.” Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.” Blowing Bubbles There were three ducks swimming in a pond one night after midnight and got they arrested for trespassing. They were called to appear in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what he was doing in a pond swimming after midnight. The duck said, “blowing bubbles”. So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said, “blowing bubbles”. Then the judge called up duck #3 and said, “let me guess you were blowing bubbles too?” and the duck said, “No. I am BUBBLES!” Blonde Mothers A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop


is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right breast is hanging out.” · January 2013

One day Nick is walking into town with a wagon load of duct tape. Farmer Jim say’s, “where are you going with all that duct tape?” Nick says, “I’m going to catch me some ducks!” “You ain’t gonna catch no ducks with that there duck tape” Says Farmer Jim. But sure enough the next day Nick comes back with some ducks and a wagon load of chicken wire. “What are you going to do with all that chicken wire? Now don’t tell me....” Says Farmer Jim. Nick says “I’m gonna catch me some chickens!” “You ain’t going to catch no chickens with that there chicken wire” says Farmer Jim. But sure enough, the next day Nick rolls into town with chickens and a wagon load of pussy pillows. Farmer Jim says, “Is that a wagon load of pussy pillows?” “Yup, the finest I could find” says Nick. Farmer Jim says, “Hold on, I’ll go get my coat!” Communication A wife and her husband were doing yard work, after a while the wife felt she had done enough for the day and went inside to have a shower. After she was in and soaping herself her husband threw a pebble at the sliding glass door to get her attention and she got out sopping wet to see what he wanted. Her husband then pointed to his eye, then to his knee and made raking motions wit his arms, trying to tell her, “I need the rake”. His wife then pointed to her eye, grabbed her left breast, and then smacked herself on the ass and walked inside. The husband seeing this was confused and went into the house. After his wife dried off and put on a robe he asked her, “what on earth was that you were trying to say?” She then said, “I left it behind the bush”

followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?”

The Barrel A guy goes on to a ship to sail and work, but he notices no women on board so he runs to the captain and says, “Captain! Captain! There’s no women on board, what will be do for pleasure?” The Captain replied, “Ohh... Don’t worry laddie, just stick your dick in that barrel over there and everything will be alright.” So after a few weeks at sea the guy sticks his dick in the barrel and gets a wonderful sensation. So he does this every day after that until one day he sticks his dick in the barrel and nothing happens. So he runs to the Captain and says, “Captain! Captain! I stuck my dick in the barrel and nothing happened!” “Ohhh... I forgot to tell you,” said the Captain, “it’s your turn in the barrel!” Wishes Do Come True A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died. The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

The second friend says, “I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp.” “Wow!!” the first guy exclaimed, “Your day was MUCH better than mine! Did you get a blow job, too?” “Nah,” says the second friend eating his meal, “I couldn’t find her head.” Damham A Christian mother thought to herself, “since my husband has been working so hard preaching, maybe I should cook him a nice dinner. He loves ham so I’ll get him some ham.” She went to the grocery store and asked Mr. Brown the deli manager, “Do you have some fresh ham?” He said “No, all I have is some Damham.”

“Henry,” she said, “you know that mink coat I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat.”

She said, “I’m a Christian, how dare you say that to me!”

“And Henry,” she said, “you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!”

“Oh!” she said, it has a beaver and a dam. So she took it home and got ready to prepare it.

“And Henry,” she continued, “you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for for the last five years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream.”

When her husband got in he asked, “What’s for dinner?”

“Oh, and Henry,” she said, “you know that blow job you always wanted?” and with that she blew the ashes out of her hands and into the sea.

He said, “Woman, how dare you say that?”

Camping Stories Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, “You know, we’re starting to get on each other’s nerves. Why don’t we split up today. I’ll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we’ll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire.” The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. “Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I

He said “No, that’s the brand. See?”

She said, “We are having some Damham.”

She said, “No, that’s the brand name, Damham.” He replied, “Oh, it has a beaver and a dam!” She said, “Lets eat!” Father said, “No, we have to wait for our son.” When the son came in he was greeted and when told to sit and prepare for dinner he said, “Cool with me!” His father began to eat he said, “Son, will you pass me that Damham?” “Oh Snap, Pops” the boy said, “I didn’t know you rolled like that! Would you pass me those mother fucking mashed potatoes!” January 2013 ·


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Your ability to be a good listener will be needed this month as a close friend goes through a rough time. Your pleasant nature will help get him or her back on track. Don’t let a quarrel with your special someone get you down. Your good nature will bring him or her around.

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You’ll have to fight your fear of crowds this month as a meeting at work puts you in the spotlight. Your organization and perfectionism will pull you through with flying colors — and a lot of praise. Don’t be too hard on yourself after a fight with a loved one.

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Winter has given you the urge to clean house when it comes to work. However, don’t let your temper get the best of you this month. Remain calm and think about what’s best for your future before making any rash decisions. Seek advice from a close friend or relative if you’re not sure what to do.

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Don’t let feelings of self-doubt keep you from reaching a new level of success. Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything. A realistic look at finances will help you plan for the future. Pay attention to details at work, especially if you deal with numbers. Diet plays a role.

January 2013 路


48 路 January 2013

January 2013 路


50 路 January 2013

January 2013 路



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January 2013 路


54 路 January 2013

January 2013 路


56 路 January 2013

January 2013 Quest