diversions what food are you?
Pick a baby animal: a) Polar Bear b) Pig c) Goat d) Sloth
What is worse? a) No frills b) So hungry c) Slow internet d) PDA
Mostly As: Cafe Grande Connoisseur Ice Cream
Pick a celebrity: a) Drake b) Jennifer Lawrence c) Miley Cyrus d) Benedict Cumberbatch
Pick a bed time: a) 1am b) 9pm c) 7am d) 11pm
You love being comfortable, you love being yourself and you ain’t ashamed. Go you!
Your personal style is: Pick a movie: a) Ali G Indahouse a) Damn stylish b) Non existent b) The Hunger Games c) Pulp Fiction c) Sexual d) Live and Let Die d) Classic
You live by the three Es: Exlusive, expensive & educated. But really you’re a sweetie at heart.
Mostly Bs: pizza
Mostly cs: 2 minute beef noodles You’re a creature of the night. There is not use for daylight or nutrition. Love, money, party.
Mostly ds: roasted carrots Rules aren’t made to be broken. But you’re above the law, so that doesn’t apply to you.
Life advice from someone who probably needs to see a therapist Uh, hi there Emma. There is this cute girl in one of my tutes and I have no idea how to start up a conversation with her. What should I do??- Cecil, 22. Well Cecil, first off I think that I and all the readers should share a minute of silence. It must be hard being the only man under a hundred called Cecil- you’re already a social outcast. I’m almost disinclined to give you advice; things that work for other people just might not work for you Cecil. Please keep that in mind. Second off, have you heard of this crazy thing called the weather? It is a fail-safe conversation starter, every time. Being subjected to that fickle mistress is the only thing that truly binds us together as human beings. Even if you spend 99.99% of your time indoors (which I suspect you might, Cecil), a cursory glance at such reputable sites as http://www.bom.gov.au/ will give you a general impression of the day’s weather. You can even look up predicted rainfall for each day if you really want to impress her. Though, Cecil let’s be real here- if you don’t even have enough initiative to start up a conversation about the weather with this woman with my help, there is little to no chance you will ever get to awkwardly fondle her left boob in a movie theatre.
Hi Emma, I’ve been studying law for a year now but I feel like my true calling is acting. I did a couple of plays in high school and I know I was good but Mum was always like ‘you need to do something practical’ so now I’m doing law and basically I hate my mum, she ruined my life.- Undiscovered, 18. Here is what you need to do: firstly, write up a list of all the reasons why you think your mum has ruined your life. Keep those as they are probably true. Then, write a separate list of reasons why you would be better off as an actor. Really get into detail. Consider at length and the pros and cons of an actor’s life. Examine the innermost workings of your soul. Then, take this list and burn it. Burn it into a million little flakes of ash until the paper thinness of your dreams has disintegrated into the blackened, bleak soot of reality (sorry for the melodromatics, it’s your fault for mentioning acting). Let’s be real here, you probably don’t want to be an actor. If you did, you would be acting in terrible student plays already. What you probably need is some form of excitement other than law. Have a gap year. Hell, have a pregnancy scare! Life is for the living. Never pester me with your juvenile first-year identity crises again, Emma
INSIDE: Defamation, Section 18C, giant killer shrimp, Red Bull investigation, armpit hair.