diversions 46 PAGE
colour me good: banana edition this shit is bananas
Life advice from someone who probably needs to see a therapist Hi Emma, Don’t call me a hipster or anything, but I recently got a nose piercing because I feel I have been getting more alternative since I started at Uni. What are some tips you could give me on dressing more alternative? The only thing is, I really don’t want people to think I’m a hipster because hipsters are super annoying – I would hate for someone to call me a hipster. Hipsters. – Amelia, 19 Hi Amelia, Generally the only people who say they don’t like hipsters, or in fact make any reference to them at all, are people who are desperately trying to prove that they are extremely up with the times. Problem is that hipsters haven’t been particularly zeitgeist-y since, like, 2007. I mean American Apparel isn’t even that cool anymore. Don’t worry about what meaningless label you should affix yourself with, Amelia. Just be yourself. Your real self. Okay, obviously don’t be your real self if that is like a paedophile or whatever, but just be a socially acceptable version of your real self. There, now that’s helped hasn’t it. EMMA, HI. I HAVE A PROBLEM; IT IS URGENT. WHEN IS IT OK TO USE THE POKING OUT TONGUE EMOTICON (:P) AND WHEN IS IT NOT OKAY? PLEASE ANSWER ASAP I EAGERLY AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE. ALSO, YOU HAVE A PRETTY FACE BYE. – Anonymous stranger, 38 Hey Anonymous, After a moment of quiet reflection I have come to the conclusion that there are only two situations where :p isn’t socially reprehensible. These are:
1. If you are a foreign exchange student and can blame the creepiness inherent to :p on cultural differences, and 2. If you are over the age of fifty and still think “lol” means lots of love. (I used to think my mother was constantly mocking me via text. Now I have realised that she is simply an old person and I should treasure her.) There are no other situations in which :p is okay. None. And thank you for saying I have a pretty face, anonymous stranger! It’s been said. Hi Emma, I just went through a terrible break-up, and I was wondering, how do you fall out of love with someone? I miss him so, so much. –Annie, 20 Annie, I think you should— Shiiiiiiiit. Shit shit shit. I knew this was going to happen at some point. An actual real life problem where someone is legitimately going through pain and needs my help? You guys realise I don’t really have any life knowledge, right? Like, I literally took on this advice column gig just so I would have something to do while drinking red wine other than write in volume 12 of my feelings journal. Maybe get some hobbies to distract yourself – have you tried yoga? Or beekeeping? Is beekeeping a thing? Christ, I am feeling hopelessly inadequate right now Annie, and it’s all your fault. Oh god, fuck shitting fucketty fuck, I knew this day would come. Guys, can somebody grownup answer this please? Got a question you’d like Emma to answer? Email us at ondit@ adelaide.edu.au with the subject title ‘Emma’s Dilemmas’.
INSIDE: Missing children. Taib Mahmud. Entrepeneurs. Death of the Festival.