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regulars

Faux-diacs

with Mystic Marge

Aries After bemoaning your single status for the umpteenth time, you decide to take proactive action in the form of a tub of home brand chocolate ice-cream (such value for money!) and the complete BBC Pride and Prejudice. Dates, come at you! Taurus In the aftermath of the Budget, you will decide to ditch your tertiary qualifications to pursue a career as a ballerina. Don’t let your lack of formal training stop you: you’ve always got chaplaincy as a fall-back plan. Gemini You will deliver a deeply moving soliloquy on the societal ramifications of pet insurance during an amateur debate club heat. The year twelves you were up against will be annihilated and the sought-after post-competition scotch fingers will be yours. Cancer The continuous stream of mail you get for “Serenity Paws”, “Mary Smith” and “Xixin Chun” inspires you to create an instillation artwork titled ‘Identity Fraud: A

targedoku Find as many words as you can using the letters on the Sudoku grid. Words must be four letters or more and include the highlighted letter. Use the letters to solve the Sudoku (normal Sudoku rules apply). There are no repeated letters. Clue: We all gotta work together in this big, big world, you know? Yin and Yang. World peace, man. World. Peace.

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Scorpio You attempts to seduce your lecturer will continue without success after they willfully ignore the winky face you drew at the end of your last assignment and give you a 59%. Time to initiate phase two: more winky faces. Sagittarius You will experience a moment of awkwardness during your next sexual encounter after you ask if your partner has a preference between cola and banana flavoured condoms. The dodgy free uni condoms strike again!

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Libra You will begin listing your share-house on a timeshare holiday website for some sneaky extra income. This will be short-lived when your applicants discover ‘cosy twin share’ means having to spoon in your king single.

Aquarius You will be banned from DJ duty after you insist on only playing Kate Bush songs on repeat at your last house party. It’s okay, they just don’t understand her genius. Philistines.

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Virgo In an attempt to dazzle your peers with hitherto undiscovered intellect and emotional depth, you will take up spoken word. Unfortunately, the world is not ready for your innovative iambic-pentameter-acrostics-and-interpretative-dance combo. Their loss.

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Leo In a bid to avoid the microwave queues in the Hub, you will begin a raw foods diet. Your newfound love of #cleaneating #rawvegan will lose you friends and alienate people, but at least you got to feel smug doing it, right?

Capricorn After breaking into the Sexpo, you will be inspired to develop your own homemade line of organic, gluten free lubricants. Your goals are noble, but your choice of storage (reused Leggos jars) will garner criticism.

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Suburban Exploration Collage’. You will receive critical acclaim, as well as a visit from ASIO.

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Pisces In an attempt to make setting up an internet connection bearable, you will start a drinking game while on the phone to Telstra. Unfortunately, the ‘drink until you’re not on hold’ rule will result in permanent liver damage and a lack of ADSL.

47 PAGE

On Dit Edition 82.6  

INSIDE: What the 2014 Federal Budget means for students.

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