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CMYK

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T A S

Sunday, 14 - 20 October, 2018 I Issue 88 I Pages 04 I Sections 05 I Rs 30

Govt directs eCP, NaB to ensure smooth by-polls

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HE government directed on Tuesday the Election Commission of pakistan and the National accountability Bureau to ensure that the upcoming by-polls are carried out in the smooth manner. “We want for the by-polls to take place like clockwork with absolutely no friction,” said Shehryar afridi, the federal minister of state

for interior affairs. “We don’t want any funny business here. No untoward incidents, if you know what I mean,” he said to the NaB representative in the meeting he was chairing, to which the NaB representative winked, smiled and placed an imaginary zipper on his mouth. Earlier the ECp took several steps to ensure the smooth

execution of by-polls, like requisitioning the required quantum of police officials from the respective district administrations. NaB also prepared for the by-polls by placing leader of opposition Shehbaz Sharif in judicial remand in a case and is also preparing to do the same to Na-131 likely winner Khawaja Saad rafique of the pMl-N. g

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CJP outraged asad Umar didn’t consult him before inflating cost of Bhasha Dam

WhatsApp appointed government’s economic spokesperson

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opular messaging service Whatsapp was appointed govt spokesperson for economics and financial affairs on Wednesday. The messaging service will interface with the government and public through Islamabad-based pundit Dr Farrukh Saleem, who will read and forward the important spin on matters of public finance. liaison officer Dr Farrukh Saleem did away with pleasantries at the press conference and started right away. “Nawaz & Zardari were informed on 26 January, 2016 by the president of the asian Development Bank that a loan for Bhasha Dam was available at no interest rate whatsoever,” he read off his cell phone. “But shameless lobby said ‘No, we have our own vested interests to make sure pakistan does not get cheap power and reliable irrigation.’” “They were having Scotch while

they said this,” said Dr Saleem as an aside to the reporters present. “and the expensive, single-malt, not Murree’s Vat 1 that I sometimes use to prepare myself before my evening tweeting.” “Sir, please do not give us your own views,” said a reporter present. “please revert back to the government-appointed spokesperson on economics and financial affairs.” “oh, I am sorry,” said the liaison officer Dr Farrukh Saleem, resuming to read from his cell-phone. “Scroll all the way down to see actual footage of Hussain Nawaz stealing cake from pM House. Experts have calculated that this total stolen cakage (technical term) is 7 crore rupees, which has been virtually stolen from state coffers.” “ ”, he concluded. “Sorry, sorry, the spokesperson is a little tired,” said the liaison officer. “at times we need udhaar to pay off the mess of previous governments.” g

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N outraged Chief Justice of pakistan Mian Saqib Nisar on Thursday expressed anger and disappointment towards Federal Finance Minister asad umar for not consulting him before he inflated the cost of the Bhasha Dam by billions of rupees. “This is unacceptable. Totally unacceptable. I demand that I be informed of all such decisions taken my any ministry that might affect anything” he said speaking to The Dependent. according to details, the cost of the Bhasha Dam has risen by billions of rupees after the value of the rupee fell next to the dollar, resulting in a practical wipe out of the little money that had been collected as part of the pM-CJp dam fund. “None of my business? None of MY business? I’m the Chief Justice of pakistan, of course this is my business,” he said in response to a question posed by this paper’s reporter. When the CJp was pressed on the issue and it was pointed out that forget asad umar consulting him before making such a

“Hike in dollar price raises cost of Bhasha Dam.” – News item decision, even making dams had nothing to do with the judiciary, Justice Nisar did not react well. “of course it is the business of the courts, and if you don’t believe me, I think we’ll have to use article 6 against you. and trust me, that will definitely be the court’s business by all accounts” he went on to say.

#NoTimeToWork: Imran Khan set to complete 2-month long enactment of being prime minister

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ISLAMABAD

N a first, a play titled No Time To Work, a groundbreaking 2-month long performance that is being seen live around the world, will culminate on october 18. The play charts the first two months of pM K, played by acclaimed actor Imran Khan. No Time To Work has been an intense, unedited political scrutiny for two months. There are no breaks and the camera never looks away. Set inside a replica of an

actual democratic state, pM K’s journey began on 18 august, 2018, when he is elected through what on paper is an electoral system.

The performance accurately portrays what happens to prime Ministers of pakistan after their election,

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when they don’t find the time or space to do any constructive work, based on accounts of military, ministers and media. The performance has been streamed both online and in the real world and has had a large audience from across the world. The hashtag #NoTimeToWork is currently trending in pakistan. The groundbreaking live stream has a timeline of events charted to explain how pM K, also known as Khan Sahib, will be counting each moment of his life from the arrival do the prime Minister seat to the eventual removal by undemocratic forces. g

“Besides, all I’m saying is I need to be kept in the loop. My crippling need for attention dictates that I constantly be asked for my opinion about all things under the sun.” “Being asked such questions not only validates me but keeps me busy and my mind off the ever piling backlog that the courts currently have” he added. g

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E D I TO R ’S N OT E The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and meant to be taken in good humour. The Dependent is an “equal opportunity offender” and we would urge all concerned to humour our attempts at humour.

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

02 OPINION&EDITORIAL PICTURE OF THE WEEK

Sunday, 14 - 20 October, 2018

OPINION

Separated families and freelancers, you’re welcome

E D I TO R I A L

Protest!

The fine line no longer exists

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S working journalists across the country staged protests against curbs on media freedom and the worsening financial crisis the industry faced, staff of The Dependent staged a symbolic protest in which members expressed their outrage over every single piece of the genre published thus far. The protest, which was attended by, well, what optimists would term a few good people, witnessed a diverse spectrum of emotions including anger, tears, surprise and even pure rage. The aim was to downright reject the motto we stand for: learning and living longer. The typing of the previous sentence was followed by smashing the keyboard onto the table after having read one of the stories published in our publication. One...simply...cannot...laugh...anymore! How can one have a sense of humour when the fine line between us and others does not exist anymore? How does one deal with the reality that the trendsetting, globetrotting, superlative publication’s news is overlapping with others, lesser, media outlets. One points towards a news report published in a daily which had earlier been written by our staff with the disclaimer in bold red weird fonts. A staff member has since been crying curled up in a corner saying they could no longer tolerate the pain. “I am shattered,” he shouts into an empty room. In all this talk of press freedom, there is no one talking about us, our freedoms, our right to joke and our right to a chuckle. The staff has been protesting over how their credibility had been lost over the past two months. People really think we are like other newspapers. Who woulda thunk? If there’s one thing any seasoned media outlet shouldn’t tolerate is its news bulletin being filed with the mandatory disclaimer, elsewhere. But how was one supposed to know this, well, would actually happen? All one can say is that we know this looks bad...real bad. But hum ne ghabrana naheen hai. This has been the motto unveiled by the editor-in-chief, as he often addresses an almost empty room ending with a “buddum-tishh” signal which is received with weird glances by the staff. g

Z U B A A N - E - K H A LQ

“Damn. This is going to be one really awkward exit interview.” – Shabbir Hassan, IT professional

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By Sad Umm Err

told you all that I will take the economy of Pakistan to new heights. Within two months together we have reached new highs. Now, we will just keep on getting high, higher and then highest. I have fulfilled my promise. No finance minister in the history of Pakistan has worked with such speed. So much so that even the folks at Pakistan Muslim leagueNawaz are mulling replacing me with Shehbaz Sharif. For, I am faster, quicker and definitely higher. I do not know why people are criticising me and my government online. As I said, we promised to take things higher and to their peak – and we are doing exactly that. Petrol is expensive, electricity and gas rates have risen and

above all look at the price of the dollar: took it Rs 9 higher and that too within a day! If it is not a godspeed performance, I don’t know what is! Ask the people, whose siblings or parents or relatives send money from the United States. Ask those freelancers, who don’t have a fulltime job and take up overseas projects where they get paid in foreign currencies, most commonly the US dollar. Do you have any idea, how happy they will be? No, nobody cares about them, but I do. People who are already suffering from the separation of their loved ones, and those who are already upset that they don’t have a 9 to 5 job – the only respectable way to work in the country – deserve love from someone, and in this case that someone is finance ministry under me.

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I know, I cannot do anything to bring their relatives back to Pakistan immediately, or offer the freelancers fulltime jobs – because we would have to create them – but see I gave them immense happiness, this month, when they will cash their dollars, it will be much more money. This in turn means that there will be much more happiness for so many. They can have much better food on their tables, can pay the fee of their children easily and can lead a comfortable and easy life. And you know why, all because of me, because I care. I have singlehandedly increased the income of so many separated families and freelancers. You all are welcome. Even before the elections, our party repeatedly said that the overseas Pakistanis are an integral part of our main manifesto and that we would take care of them like no previous government did. This is how we are paying them back – by serving and distributing happiness among their families. No one care about those already grieving families and just have to make a hue and cry for their own selves. But no more, PTI government is here to be a strong support for them and I don’t care what other people say. Here I want to quote the couplet of famous ghazal sang by maestro Ustad Ghulam Ali: Hungama hai kyun barpa, dollar ki qeemat thori si jo barha di hai, Flat tau nahi banaya, money laundering to nahi ki g

Justice Shaukat Aziz Siddiqui of the Islamabad High Court was sacked by the President of Pakistan after a bench of the Supreme Judicial Council led by Chief Justice Mian Saqib Nisar said that a speech he delivered criticising the intelligence agencies was “unbecoming of a judge” and recommended to the President that he be removed. What do you think?

“If I’m being honest, I really think that the IS- hey . . . who are you? What are you doing? Where are you taking me? You can’t just pick someone off the streets and take them awa-.” – Farhan Amjad, activist

“If the SJC is listening, I swear that I heard the sessions court judge hearing the cattle theft charges against me deliver a very similar speech once.” – Shams Siddiqui, businessman

“The SJC basically just told Justice Siddiqui to F*** off and shit just got real.” – Eliza Lashari, content writer Mangobaaz

The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

ECONOMY 03

Sunday, 14 - 20 October, 2018

Pakistan to adopt gold standard in new barter system economy, reveals Dr Farrukh Saleem

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WASHINGTON

inance Minister asad Umar reaffirmed the nation that Pakistan has formally demanded money from the international Monetary Fund to address its economic challenges, and did not put forward any request. speaking exclusively to The Dependent, Umar said that the words used by iMF Managing Director christine Lagarde were ‘misleading’. “there was no requesting, imploring or begging. We demanded money as a selfrespecting, sovereign state that does not need anyone’s help to reaffirm itself as the very best country in the world,” Umar said. Umar confirmed that the demand for money came during his with Legarde on the sidelines of the iMF and World Bank annual meetings in Bali. “the demand was strong, firm and assertive. Had it been any stronger, it could’ve been interpreted as Pakistan holding iMF on gunpoint and robbing it – which of course would’ve been pretty cool!” Umar added. the Finance Minister urged the nation to be proud of its government for extorting more money than ever from the iMF. asad Umar also clarified that the money that Pakistan will get is what the iMF owes the country, and should not be mistaken as borrowing. “as a government that is

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‘Categorically demanded money from IMF, did not beg,’ Asad Umar reassures nation absolutely clueless about the functioning of economy in the real world, it is our right to demand money from others,

04 SPORTS

Sarfraz asks teammates to follow on as they make their way to team bus

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DUBAI

akistan captain sarfraz ahmed on thursday asked his side to follow on as the side made their way to the team bus in the aftermath of the first test match against australia in Dubai. as the thrilling contest went down to the wire, a tired sarfraz told his equally tired teammates to just follow on so that they could go back to the team hotel. the Pakistani captain said this with the authority and certainty that underscored that his was the right call at the right time, and was the best for his side. “Look here’s a clear-headed

leader who is giving directions to his team,” former captain and leading commentator Ramiz Raza said while talking to The Dependent. “He said follow on, just when the team felt lost, and not they’re following on. a successful captain knows when to say follow on.” as the Pakistani side made their way to their bus, the australian team walked towards theirs, as they set up to go back to their hotel. “Follow on!” shouted sarfraz as the two sides walked back to their buses, with only Pakistani players obviously responding to the call which quite clearly was only for them. g

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ISLAMABAD

akistan would adopt gold standard within the next five years in a revamped economy-based entirely on the barter system, newly-appointed spokesperson for the government Dr Farrukh saleem told our correspondent in a special interview. Dr saleem extolled the virtues of adopting the gold standard to escape the grip of Bretton Woods consensus. He mentioned the possibility of overseas Pakistanis sending tons of gold to shore up the fledgling economy in Pakistan as a possible result of this move. Under the new proposal, public employees will be paid in bars of gold and barter system would also

be made legal, Dr saleem confirmed. Orya Maqbool Jan, self-readand-proclaimed economist and media personality, has argued for years to get rid of the current currency system as a way to islamise Pakistan’s economy. “the currency-based economy is a Western plot to destroy the Muslim world,” Orya Maqbool said while talking to The Dependent. “We should also ensure that the barter remains between Muslim states, to finally culminate in what will be a caliphate economy.” “this revolutionary step would cause a tumult in the halls of iMF, World Bank, and the international illuminati HQs,” said leading conspiracy economist Zaid Zaman Hamid added. g

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which is why donations have been an integral part of our strategy to revamp the economy,” he added. g Sunday, 14 - 20 October, 2018

Bilal Asif among overseas Pakistanis influenced by Imran Khan’s speech: PTI

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DUBAI

akistan’s debutant offspinner Bilal asif, who tormented the australian side with his six-for, left his job of an electrician in kuwait only to help imran khan build naya Pakistan, the Pakistan tehreeke-insaf (Pti) said Wednesday. it is well-known by now that ten years ago, Bilal had almost quit cricket by joining his father in kuwait to work as an electrician, but a change of heart brought him back. in a press statement, the opposition-cumruling party credited PM imran khan for Bilal’s brilliant entry into Pakistan’s test cricket, asserting that he was one of the ‘overseas Pakistanis’ motivated by khan’s speech. the 33-year-old snatched 6-36 in the first test in Dubai to

trigger a spectacular collapse for australia, who lost 10 wickets for just 60 runs. “in fact, Bilal wanted to throw in some kuwaiti dinars, presumably for the dams fund, before it became cool,” the party added. Praising the not-so-young talent, the Pti explained that it

was only because of PM khan that players in their 30s were being given an opportunity, criticising the PML-n government for trying cricketers only over the 40 years of age. the Pti said even khan was “impressed by Bilal’s ability to surprise everyone despite being an underdog.” g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.


CMYK

NATIONAL 05

Sunday, 14 - 20 October, 2018

Mother berates Nawaz for being bad influence on younger brother Shehbaz

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laming the abstract concept of the ‘trickle-down effect’, the Sharif matriarch on Friday scolded former Prime minister mian nawaz Sharif for being a bad influence on his younger brother Shehbaz. “You know he looks up to you and you just had to go around setting such a bad example for him” she went on to say.

“no i don’t want to hear it” she said when mian nawaz tried to meekly protest while staring at the ground and scuffing his shoes against each other. “look i know you two are good kids. i know i raised you well, but it wouldn’t hurt you to for once actually act like it” she went on. “i mean there’s you,

disappearing from home for months on end, no news at all, leaving your little brother to take care of everything, and now that you’re back and getting all the attention he lashes out like this.” “god, i really shouldn’t have asked him to move back down to the bottom bunk last month when you finally decided to show up” she ended. g

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Govt in disarray after discovering twitter bots can’t delete embarrassing tweets of the past ISLAMABAD

Government expels Hafiz Saeed’s concerns

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ISLAMABAD

he government on thursday expelled the concerns of the owner and manager of multiple national and international non-governmental Organisations (ngOs) hafiz Saeed, The Dependent has reliably learnt. the ministry of interior categorically shut down operations of around 18 concerns creeping inside Saeed’s mind and ordered them to leave his head. Saeed’s concerns centred around the future of let, an international non-government organisation which works in areas of cross-border transportation, radical trade, peace alleviation and militant empowerment. talking exclusively to The

Dependent one of Saeed’s concerns revealed that it had received an expulsion notice from the ministry of interior. “We are here because of the international pressure, and the fact that Pakistan is asking for money from the same people who have exerted the pressure,” the concern revealed. all these 18 concerns have filed an appeal before the ministry of interior against their expulsion orders citing the Financial action task Force (FatF) team that has expressed dissatisfaction during its ongoing visit to Pakistan. “however, the government officials say that we are not needed because any action against the ngOs would mean the end of the government – like the previous one,” another concern confirmed while talking to The Dependent. g

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ith the Pakistan tehreek-einsaf (Pti) for years having depended on the army, of twitter bots, for its eventual electoral success this year, the party is finding it hard to cope with the reality that the soldiers can’t help it out in a mass purge of embarrassing tweets of the past. this has meant that the government is in complete disarray as it looks to deal with multiple crises, without the ability to rely on its most reliable militia to perform what government officials maintain is its topmost priority task. “having taken reliance on the army,” began a government official, while speaking to The Dependent, off the record, “to new highs, it’s a shame that there is now we can use it to remove, you know, the claims that we

made when we weren’t in the government, which of course, were hideously insane.” government officials maintain that the first two months of their time at the helm have been spent trying to figure out a way to find every single embarrassing tweet from every single twitter handle, especially the official ones, and deleting them.

“this is why we haven’t been able to do much else,” revealed a minister. “and of course a major problem is the fact that one also has to predict events in the future where some of our tweets from the past would appear embarrassing in addition to those tweets that have been embarrassing from the get go.” g

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OMG! Mush’s adorable military coup has grown up to be 19-year-old hottie

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LAHORE e all remember former military dictator

gen (R) Pervez musharraf’s adorable, sometimes awkward looking, offspring that dominated our television screens in the early 2000s. and we all remember

falling in love with the military coup and allowing it to win our hearts. For the uninitiated, the adorable little guy is not-so-little anymore, and turns 18 today. and the

latest images show that the cutie born in 1999 has grown up to be a hottie. after ruling the country for eight years as a child artist, the military coup remained mostly a social media sensation with fluctuating appearances in the ongoing decade. But recent developments have brought the coup to the limelight again. in an exclusive interview with The Dependent, the military coup shares future plans on

the eve of the 18th birthday. “Finally 19! YOlO! xoxo,” wrote the coup in the Whatsapp interview, further revealing the plans as an adult. “i’m an adult that can vote and participate in the democratic process in the next elections,” the military coup said highlighting the ancestors’ contribution to democracy in Pakistan. the coup that has

transformed into a handsome hunk reveals that fans can stay in touch on the instagram feed that is up-to-date with everything that the coup has been doing in life, years since being the undoubted star and centre of the limelight in Pakistan. “i might’ve been off the radar for that past decade, but i’m back now,” the hottie said. g

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The Dependent is a completely satirical publication. The articles within are not true and are meant to be taken in good humour.

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